Meet Mah Uncle

by GeneralLiberator

Rating: teen
Tags: Cheerilee, Gore, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Comedy, Crossover, Human
Length: 7820

Once again, it is Family Appreciation Day. And once again, Apple Bloom's "family" member steals the show...

It's that time of year again at Ponyville Elementary, with Family Appreciation Day. Little Apple Bloom is feeling left in the dust yet again, as all of her immediate family members are too busy to come in to speak. The little filly is left with only one other option:
Her "honorary" family member...
If only he had actually taken a bath for once...

Rated T for Trevor, so expect colorful language and some bloody good violence. Don't worry, no ponies were harmed in the making of this story.
However, many changlings were.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to Hasbro.
Grand Theft Auto V belongs to Rockstar.

Edit at 12:05AM on 7/12/2014: Holy Featured Box!
Words cannot describe how much this means to me. Thank you all so much!

Edit at 12:40PM on 7/12/2014: Now with a Youtube reading by the amazing Soupr5! Check it out!

Published 2014-07-12 00:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-12 00:10:04 UTC

Meet Mah Uncle

Apple Bloom shifted a bit in her desk, fidgeting her hooves nervously. She looked up to the clock for what had to have been the tenth time in the last fifteen minutes, only to see that the hand had barely moved at all. A sad sigh escaped her lips before she hung her head over her desk.

Despite her downed mood, the rest of the classroom was very lively. Every colt and filly chattered amongst themselves with their family members sitting beside their desks. Once again, it was Family Appreciation Day, and the turnout was even bigger than last year. Every singly foal in the classroom had a family member with them, ready to speak about themselves to the class when the time came.

Scootaloo had her mother, who was talking with Sweetie Belle’s visiting aunt from Trottingham. Rumble and Button Mash both had their older brothers, who seemed to be in a very secretive conversation while shooting weird smiles at Miss Cherilee. And Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon once again had their fathers, who seemed to let off an aura of self-smugness.

Yes, everypony had a family member.

All except a certain farm filly.

Apple Bloom’s ears folded down against her head. This day was once again turning out badly. Granted, last year’s had ended up being terrific, despite her fear of Granny Smith embarrassing her. But her grandmother had gotten up in front of her class and amazed them all. The story she told was almost unbelievable, dating back more years than Apple Bloom could have imagined. Who would have thought that she actually helped found Ponyville? The look of disbelief on Diamond Tiara’s face was priceless.

That comforting memory however was not enough to alleviate the downer she was feeling right now. Granny Smith had been having some hip problems, and had declined to come in to speak again. Apple Bloom had gone to both of her older siblings, but had once again been met with disappointment. Applejack and Big Macintosh were both busying themselves in the orchards, already well into the harvest season.

And thus Apple Bloom was left with no other options.

Well…almost…

There was one other honorary family member that she asked to show up. The only problem was that he was a very busy guy a lot of the time. And even when he wasn’t busy…

“Hey.” Whispered a snide, yet familiar voice off to her side. Apple Bloom begrudgingly turned her gaze up to meet the smug grin of a certain pink filly.

“Where’s your family member for this year, Blank Flank?” Diamond Tiara asked in her overly confident tone. Her father was so deep into conversation with Silver Spoon’s father that he paid no attention to his own daughter’s words. “I would have figured after last year, you would once again steal the show.”

Apple Boom bit her bottom lip. “Well…he’s…uhh…”

“Ha! I knew it!” Diamond crossed her forelegs and snickered. “That act you pulled off last year was all you had, wasn’t it? It looks like this year you will get left in the shadows.”

“Nu-uh!” Apple Bloom narrowed her eyes. “Fer yer information, Ah do have somepony comin’!”

“Oh really?” Diamond raised an eyebrow. “And where is he?”

“Well…he…” Apple Bloom scratched the back of her head and looked out the window. “He’s just…runnin’ a little late, is all.”

“Pff, as if.” Diamond leaned forward on her desk. “You’re probably just making up a family member to make yourself feel better. How very pathetic.” Diamond shook her head.

“Ya don’t know nuthin’!” Apple Bloom said with an angry frown. “He is comin’!”

“Whatever you say, Blank Flank.” Diamond said, her smug grin once again present on her face. “Not like it would matter anyway. Even if your grandma was here, she would not be able to outshine from my daddy again.” She leaned toward Apple Bloom, her smile growing bigger. “Did you hear that his company recently bought out Speckled International?”

Apple Bloom kept her stare for a moment before letting her head fall in defeat. Of course she had heard, mainly because Diamond had not shut up about it. Speckled International was one of the largest exporters of precious gems out of Equestria, with contracts in Gryphonia, Saddle Arabia, and even The Badlands. Supposedly her father had recently gotten control of the company, making a lot of bits in the process. Whereas her family was wealthy before, now they were filthy rich, no pun intended.

“Money isn’t all that important.” Apple Bloom said quietly, but loud enough for the bully to hear.

Diamond Tiara frowned. “Yeah I suppose you are right.” She said before her smile returned once again full force. “I guess what is important is having family members who actually care enough to make some time for you.”

Those words hit home, and Apple Boom turned away from her. “Just leave me alone.” She whimpered, which earned a triumphant laugh from Diamond.

“Alright, everypony!” Ms. Cherilee said aloud in her usual chipper tone. “It’s that time of year again, with Family Appreciation Day! So, who would like to speak first?”

Quite a few hooves shot up, and Cherilee selected Sweetie to come up with her aunt. Apple Bloom tuned out the next hour, choosing instead to gaze out the window. It was a nice sunny day out, which bugged her greatly. With the way she was feeling, a thunderstorm would have been more appropriate. The minutes rolled on as more and more family members gave explanations of themselves and what they did for a living. Apple Bloom ignored most of it all, right up until the end.

“Thank you very much, Filthy Rich.” Cherilee said to Diamond’s father, who gave a proud grin before returning with his daughter to her desk. “Now then, is there anypony else who we haven’t introduced yet?” There were a few seconds of silence before Cherilee spoke again. “Nopony left? Alright then, well then I suppose that would conclude-“

It should have ended right there. Celestia knows Apple Bloom wanted it to end right there. But her tormenter would not let her be.

“Excuse me, Miss Cherilee?” Diamond Tiara spoke in a polite tone as she raised her hoof. “But I think we forgot Apple Bloom.”

The filly in question turned her head sharply to Diamond Tiara, who gave her a smug grin.

“Oh?” Cherilee cocked an eyebrow as Apple Bloom looked forward. All eyes in the room fell on the filly as the teacher spoke. “And where is your family member, Apple Bloom?”

“Ah…uh…well…” Apple Bloom’s ears folded down against her head as an awkward silence fell across the room. “Well…Ah did ask somepony to come in…”

“Alright then.” Cherilee said. “And where is he or she?”

Apple Bloom remained silent for a few moments, and in that time she heard a few snickers across the room. Finally, she let out a defeated sigh and hung her head. “He’s not here.” She said sorrowfully.

“Oh…” Cherilee said with a look of unease. “Well, perhaps another time then. I suppose then we should wrap things up for today and-“

Cherilee cut herself off by the sound of something screeching from outside. Apple Bloom immediately turned her head to look out the window, and a gigantic smile found its way onto her face.

From down the road, she saw a familiar red metal cart barreling down the path on four rubber wheels. As it came close, a sound akin to something rumbling could be heard along with it. It swerved a bit until it disappeared around the edge of the schoolhouse near the front, where the sound of loud screeching could be heard as it came to a stop. A few second later, the rumbling was cut off. And a few seconds after that, there was a rough pounding on the door.

“Strange.” Cherilee said to herself as she walked across the room. “I wonder who that could be.”

As the teacher made her way toward the door, the students and family members all began to talk amongst themselves in hushed whispers. And amongst it all, there sat little Apple Bloom, still with that massive grin on her face. It soon disappeared as soon as she realized that Cherilee had never met this particular family member before. She turned her head just in time to see her teacher open the door.

“Hello,” Cherilee said as she opened the door with a warm smile. “Welcome to Ponyville Ele…men…tar…”

Any other words she had died on her tongue. Her pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks, and her breath got caught in her throat.

The tall, biped creature leaned against the doorframe with a twisted grin on its face. It was wearing a messy, stained white t-shirt and a pair of ratty grey pants. On the bottoms of its legs was a pair of brown boots covered in dirt. The top of its head was partially covered by a messy black mane that had a balding spot on the top. Across its neck was a black dotted line with the words “CUT HERE” written in black into its skin. It held a bottle in one of its claw-like appendages, which it brought up for a long swig.

“Well, hey there beautiful!” It said in a gruff male voice, drawing everypony’s attention to it. It threw the bottle it was holding against the outer edge of the building, where it shattered. “I’m here for the Family Worshipping Ceremony!”

Startled gasps rang out from the room as most of the ponies all stared with wide eyes and slack jaws. A few of the colts and fillies scooted a little closer to their family members, clearly afraid of this strange creature that was standing at the door. None of them were more terrified than Miss Cherilee, who took a few uneasy steps back from the strange biped.

The creature took a long glance around the room at all of the terrified expressions he was receiving and cocked an eyebrow. “What the hell are you all lookin’ at? Do I got something on my face?”

Everypony froze up where they were, not daring to make a move. Nearly every single one of them had fearful expressions on their faces.

Well, all except for one.

“Uncle Trevor!”

The biped and everypony turned towards the source of the voice to see Apple Bloom happily scampering through the rows of desks. The creature crouched down as she ran up to him and practically leaped into his waiting arms, wrapping her hooves around his neck.

“There’s my favorite niece!” He said with a laugh as he hugged her and ruffled her mane. At least until she stopped her nuzzling and bopped him in the forehead with a hoof. “Ow! What the hell was that for?”

Apple Bloom slipped out of his grasp onto the floor and looked up to him with an angry frown. “Yer late! What took ya so long?” She looked down at her legs and chest, which were slightly damp. “And why are ya all wet?”

“Sorry, sweetie.” He said as he shrugged. “Got caught up earlier.”

“Oh?” Apple Bloom tilted her head to the side. “With what?”

Trevor brought up a hand and stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Well…”

***

30 Minutes Earlier

***

“FUCK” *SMASH* “YOU!” *SMASH* “FUCK” *SMASH* “YOU!” *SMASH*

Trevor lifted his boot off of the changling’s head, which had been reduced to a green, bloody pulp by his relentless stomping. All around his truck, there were others as well, all with puddles of green around their dead, limp bodies. Some had small holes punched clear through their black chitin, while others looked like they had been brutally beat upside the head with a blunt object.

“You little fuck!” Trevor screamed at the dead changling at his feet while he waved his pistol at it. Large splotches of green blood covered his shirt, pants, and face. “We could have just made the deal and gone on happily with our lives, but nooooo! You had to go and try to fuck me, didn’t you?! YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST HAD THE COMMON COURTESY OF GIVING ME A REACH AROUND FIRST!”

He lashed out yet again and kicked the changling’s body in the torso, his steel-toed boot smashing clear through the chitin. He retracted his foot, and more green and entrails spilled out of the opening left behind.

“Well, now you are right where you belong!” Trevor screamed as he pointed at his boot which was covered in green. “A smashed bug beneath my boot! IT’S JUST SO FUCKING APPROPRIATE, ISN’T IT?!”

Trevor seethed in rage as he stared down at the pulverized head of the changling. After taking a few deep breaths, he let himself slump down to the ground, sitting on his bum. He sat there for a few moments just staring up into the sky, with the pistol resting on his knee. He turned back to look at the dead body before reaching a hand out to pat it on the back.

“I’m sorry, Axle.” Trevor said in a comforting tone to the dead changling, whose name had been Axle. “You know I would never hurt you. It’s just that I get at little…irritated sometimes, ya know?” The body just remained where it was, it’s wings giving a slight twitch.

“Yeah I know.” Trevor said. “But I sincerely hope this will not affect our relationship. Because know this…” Trevor leaned in to stare into one of the eyes that floated in the brain mush. “I will always love you.”

“Hey boss!” Came a distorted voice from the truck. “Boss, are ya there?”

Trevor let out an irritated grunt before he stood up, rushed over to the truck and picked up the radio. “Dammit, Cook! I am trying to have a heart-filled moment with some fallen former friends, and you just interrupted it!”

“Wait…fallen former friends?” The radio was silent for a few moments before the voice of the pony came again. “What about the meeting? Did you make the trade?”

“Unfortunately, the deal did not go down as planned.” Trevor said as he threw the empty pistol into the back bed of the truck. “We had a bit of a…” He reached a leg over to kick away a changling corpse, which had been slumped against one of his truck’s tires. “…corporate disagreement.”

“Shit.” Said the voice of Trevor’s pony employee. “Well, what happened?”

“Apparently, what we had brought them was not what Twitch had promised to them beforehand.” Trevor said as he went over and picked up both the shipment and the case of bits that were to be exchanged for it. He returned and threw them both in the back of the truck next to the large pile of weaponry. “They…got a little angry and demanded more. So…I in turn…got a little angry as well.” He reached up on the hood of the truck and picked up the severed foreleg of the changling whose throat he had stuffed a grenade down a few minutes earlier.

“Buck, boss.” Cook said in a desperate voice. “Did you really have to kill them, though?”

Trevor’s face twisted up into one of anger. “What was that, Cook?” He threw the changling’s foreleg onto the ground. “Are you questioning the way that I do business?!”

“No man, no!” Cook said hastily. “It’s just…well, business will be harder if shit like this keeps happening. It’s because of this that we had to stop dealing with griffons.”

“Not like I’m shedding a tear over those bastards.” Trevor said as he jumped into the driver seat of the truck with the radio still in hand. “Changlings are so much easier to work with than those feather fucks. Seriously, those griffons have such attitude problems!” Trevor reached up and switched on the wipers and washer fluid, cleaning off the large splatter of green blood from the windshield. “I found their lack of patience and tolerance highly offensive!”

“Well, I doubt those ‘feathered bucks’ will be working with us anytime soon.” Cook replied with a sigh. “Especially after how our last meeting with them went.”

Trevor smiled at the memory. The attempted deal with their friends from up north had gone south when one of the griffons made the dire mistake of accusing Trevor of cheating them out of product. With a high-powered sniper, the entire thing had then turned into a turkey shoot.

Well, minus the turkeys.

If only Cletus had been there. Trevor thought with a nostalgic smile before he shook his head and brought the radio back up to his mouth. “Well, I am sure in time they will forget and forgive. But in the meantime, we have changlings.”

“Yeah, but what if the other dealers from the hives hear about this?” Cook asked. “They might not want to work with us.”

“Because changlings breed like fucking rabbits.” Trevor said as he started up the truck. “You kill one, and there are 10 others to take its place. Therefore, we won’t have to worry about a shortage of potential business partners. With demand in the hives so high at the moment, more and more dealers keep popping up.”

“Alright boss, if you say so.” Cook said with a sigh. “So, you got both the money and the goods. You bringing them back to the farm now?”

“Not yet.” Trevor said as he laid on the gas. The truck lurched forward and took off down the road leading back into town from the remote clearing in the Everfree. “My niece asked me to come speak at her classroom today. I get to tell them all about Trevor Philips Industries!”

“Woah, woah!” Cook said hastily. “You’re not gonna tell them…everything, right?”

“Do you take me for a fucking idiot, Cook?!” Trevor practically screamed into the radio. “Of course not! I will give them the impression of a legitimate business, without all of the unpleasant bits!”

“But…I thought we are a legitimate business…”

“Of course we are!” Trevor said as he turned another corner down the forest path. “But they don’t know that! Which is why I am trying to help alleviate the obliviousness that is the consumer system.”

“Oh, I see now!” Cook gave a chuckle. “So this whole family speaking thing is just to help us with advertising. Gotta say, that is a smart-“

Trevor immediately slammed on the brakes, stopping along the forest road. Along either side, the dark trees surrounded the truck, creating a very foreboding atmosphere. Trevor’s face twisted up in a snarl upon hearing Cook’s words.

“What…” Trevor took deep breaths as he spoke dangerously low into the radio. “What…the fuck…did you just say?”

“The speaking, boss.” Cook said, completely oblivious to Trevor’s growing anger. “A lot of parents and older ponies will be there. This is a great opportunity to spread our business.”

“You…” Trevor began to shake as his grip on the radio tightened. There was a bit of movement along the tree line, but he ignored it. “You…little…greedy…FUCK!”

“I…huh? Boss, I don’t understand.”

“WHAT KIND OF A SELF-CENTERED FUCKING DEGENERATE DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?!” Trevor screamed into the radio. The silhouette of a large creature appeared beyond the tree line. “YOU HONESTLY THINK I AM DOING THIS FOR MYSELF?!”

“B-but…I thought…I-I didn’t mean to…” Even distorted, the panic in Cook’s voice was easily identified.

“YOU LITTLE SHIT-EATHING MOTHER-“ A roar came from the shape in the tree line, and a few trees parted to allow a large creature to step onto the road towards the truck. “RAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Trevor let out an even louder roar of rage before reaching back and pulling a light machine gun out of the bed of the truck. He hopped out of the driver’s seat, leveled the weapon on the beast as it charged and squeezed the trigger.

The silence of the forest was shattered by a series of loud crackling as the machine gun let loose a volley of fire just as the manticore began to charge. The bullets slammed into its face, and it gave a roar of pain. While the manticore stopped to cover its head up with a paw, Trevor continued to stomp forward, all the while holding the trigger. The bullets tore the paw of the beast to pieces in a spray of red, and then got to the face it was trying to protect. The manticore was only able to let off a single pained shriek before another wave of lead shredded its face into a gory mess.

However, even after the beast slumped to the dirt ground, Trevor continued to fire at the dead body. He sprayed bullets all up and down its length, painting the forest floor a fine red. He eventually stopped walking until he was right over the corpse, but did not stop firing even from point blank range. The spray soon covered him as well, with his gunfire kicking up a thick layer of crimson and gore that mixed with the green blood of the changlings on his clothes. Finally, the gun gave a few clicks as the barrel ran dry. Trevor stood there over the shredded, bloody mass of entrails and fur, dripping with its blood on both his clothes and the spent machine gun. He took a few moments to let the last of his rage dissipate with his heavy breathing.

“Boss! What the buck is going on?!” Came Cook’s frantic voice from the radio. “Boss, can you hear me?”

Trevor turned away from his fresh kill and walked back to the truck, throwing his blood coated machine gun in the back bed as he did so. He jumped up into the driver seat, landing in the leather with a wet splat from his crimson-soaked clothes. He reached a blood covered hand out and took the radio.

“Well, I hope you are happy, Cook.” Trevor said as he wiped some blood out of his eyes. “I just had to kill a magnificent creature of the forest because of you.”

“I…what?” Came Cook’s confused voice. “I don’t understand, boss.”

“All you need to understand is that I am not going to this thing because of my own business endeavors.” Trevor said as he laid on the gas and took off once again down the road. “I am going because a sweet, adorable, innocent filly who looks up to me asked me to go, and I intend to keep that promise. Not for me, but for her.”

“Oh…” The radio was silent for a few moments before Cook spoke again. “Alright then. Family is important, I guess.”

“You’re damn fucking right it’s important, especially after all that her family has done for me!” Trevor said as he continued to drive. “Once I am done there we will come home, and then you and Dozer get to clean both my truck and the guns while I have a little chat with Twitch about his negotiating skills.”

“Shit.”

“Alright, now get back to work!” Trevor commanded. “I expect that next batch to be ready by tomorrow for the deal.”

With that Trevor hung up the radio and turned it off. He continued down the road that led back into town from the forest. Along the way, the truck gave a slight jump as it ran over something, which gave a yelp of pain.

“Timberwolf.” Trevor said flatly as he continued to drive. “Definitely a timberwolf.”

***

Present Time

***

“Traffic.” Trevor said plainly.

Apple Bloom cocked an eyebrow. “Traffic?”

“Yep, traffic.” Trevor said with a shrug.

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Alright then. But why are ya all wet?”

Trevor ran a hand down his soaked pants and shirt. “Because I jumped in the lake on the way here.”

Apple Bloom cocked her head to the side with a slight smile. “And why did ya jump in the lake?”

“Because…” Trevor thought for a moment. “I was dirty.”

“But yer always dirty.” Apple Bloom said with a smirk.

“Yep, and I just figured I would make myself nice for my little niece’s class.” Trevor said with a proud smile as he held a hand to his heart. “I take my hygiene very seriously.”

Apple Bloom gave a few giggles. “Uncle Trevor, yer so silly sometimes.”

“Ahem.” Both Apple Bloom and Trevor turned her head upwards and remembered that they were not the only ones in the classroom. Miss Cherilee gave a nervous smile. “So, um, hehe…Apple Bloom, I assume you know this…” She thought for a moment for the right word. “…individual?”

Apple Bloom perked up. “Yep! He’s here to speak fer me fer Family Appreciation Day!”

“I…uh…” Cherilee looked around nervously. “I wasn’t aware that your family consisted of…well…something like this.”

“Excuse me?” Trevor gave an irritated look as he stood back up, towering over the school teacher and every other pony in the room. “What the hell do you mean by ‘something’?” He took a step forward towards Cherilee with an enraged glare and she shrunk down to her haunches. “This ‘something’ has a name, and that name is Trevor Philips! If you don’t like it, you can shove it up your-“

Trevor was cut off by something tugging at his pant leg. He looked down to see Apple Bloom giving him a scolding look. “Uncle…remember yer temper, please.” Trevor backed down with a defeated grunt and crossed his arms. Apple Bloom looked back up to Cherilee with a pleading gaze. “Can he speak, Miss Cherilee?”

“W-well, I don’t know. We were getting awfully close to the end of the day…” Cherilee trailed off as she looked back up at Trevor, who gave her the greatest death glare she had ever received in her life. She immediately turned back to Apple Bloom with a gigantic, fake smile. “But we can always make time! Yes we can.”

Cherilee gave a nervous laugh as she ushered them toward the front of the classroom. As Apple Bloom and Trevor walked forward he turned his head both ways to see the faces that were regarding him. A grey filly with reading glasses gave him a look of disgust, and he growled at her. She fearfully shrunk back against her father, who clutched her protectively. The two of them reached the front of the class and turned around. Cherilee had opted to take one of the empty desks in the very back trying to stay as far away from the human as she could.

“Everypony…” Apple bloom said with a big smile as she motioned to the human standing next to her with a hoof. “Meet mah uncle, Trevor!”

Everypony merely stared in silence, and somepony in the back coughed. Trevor scanned the room with a cocked eyebrow. After a few moments of awkward silence he received a nudge to the shin from Apple Bloom, and he looked down to see her tilt her head toward the class. He gave a heavy sigh.

“Hello everyone-“ Apple Bloom gave him another nudge. “Hello everypony, my name is Trevor Philips, and I am an alcoholic.”

“Uncle!” Apple Bloom scolded him with a frown.

Trevor looked out on the shocked and disgusted faces of the ponies in the room with a satisfied smile. “Just kidding…well, no not really.” Everypony continued to stare, with looks ranging from surprise to unease. “Soo…any questions?”

A small hoof raised up amongst the crowd, and Trevor turned his head to see a little grey unicorn filly a few rows back. The filly had a very nervous look on her face. Trevor pointed to her. “Yeah?”

“Uhhh…” Dinky twiddled her hooves nervously. “If you don’t mind me asking sir…what exactly are you?”

“I am a businessman.” Trevor said plainly.

“No.” The filly shook her head. “I meant, like, what species are you?”

“Oh…” Trevor said with an amused look. “Well, I am called a human. Although, if you want to get fancy, our scientific name is homo sapiens.” There were a few stifled giggles, and Trevor turned his head sharply toward the source, which were the older brothers of Button Mash and Rumble. “What? You think that’s funny!?” The two immediately shut up, but Trevor did not. “You know what else will be funny? The sight of you two laughing with no goddamn teeth!” Everypony in the room gasped as Trevor growled in anger.

“Uncle!” Apple Bloom said as she tugged on his pant leg. “Please! No threatening ponies in the classroom. And watch yer language!”

“Sir!” Cherilee called from across the room with a frown. “I will not tolerate threats to anypony in my classroom!”

Trevor turned his head up to her, and she once again shrunk under his gaze. He lifted a finger and pointed at her with an angry glare. “You…” He gritted his teeth and remained silent for a few moments. “…are a good mare, and I like you.” Cherilee cocked an eyebrow at the sudden change of emotion, but Trevor ignored it and turned back to the rest of the class. “Any other stupid questions?”

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof, and Trevor pointed to her. “Yeah, you aren’t actually Apple Bloom’s uncle, are you? You aren’t even a pony.”

“And why does that matter?” Trevor said with narrowed eyes. “Do I need to share blood to be considered family? Hell no, I don’t. Blood isn’t all that important.” Trevor thought for a moment before continuing. “Well, metaphorically blood is not important. Physically, however, it is very important. After all, firsthand experience has shown me that if you bleed something enough, it will die. Painfully.”

Once again, shocked gasps filled the room, and Sweetie Belle covered her mouth to muffle a terrified shriek, looking like she was about to faint.

“He’s kidding!” Apple Bloom shouted with a nervous laugh. “He’s just kidding.” She cleared her throat to draw everypony’s attention. “Anyway, no he is not mah uncle by blood, but he is an honorary member of the Apple Family. He arrived here in Equestria about 3 months ago and mah sister offered Princess Celestia that he could stay at our farm. He had been with us ever since, and Ah consider him family.”

“Wait, you’re not from Equestria? Scootaloo asked aloud.

“YOU DIDN’T RAISE YOUR HOOF!” Trevor screamed at her in a low voice. Scootaloo’s ears folded down and she ducked beneath her desk. Apple Bloom once again jabbed Trevor in the side, and he let out a heavy sigh. “I am sorry for snapping like that. It was uncalled for and I give my most sincere apologies.” He spoke in a very monotone voice, as if the words he said had been practiced many times. Scootaloo, with a bit of encouragement from her mother rose back up and hesitantly raised her hoof. “Why yes, young filly? Do you have a question?” Trevor spoke as if his previous outburst had not happened.

“S-so, if you’re not from Equestria, then where are you from?” Scootaloo asked nervously.

“Unfortunately…” Trevor began as he ran a hand over his balding spot. “…due to “Royal Decree” handed to me by Princess Solar-Ass, I am not permitted to speak about where I come from.” There were a few gasps at the taking of Celestia’s name in vain, but Trevor ignored them and continued. “Apparently it is a matter of ‘national security’ or some bullshit.”

“Language, uncle!” Apple Bloom once again jabbed him in the leg.

“Yeah, yeah.” Trevor waved a hand at her before continuing. “All that I can tell is that I come from a world very different from this one, where one man can beat another man to death and not have to worry about consequences for it, as long as he can drive fast enough.” Again, more gasps rang out as Trevor scratched the back of his head with a smile. “Oops. I did it again.”

Apple Bloom gave a forced, fake laugh and waved a hoof at him. “Oh Uncle Trevor, you are such a kidder.” She gave a few more nervous chuckles before she coughed. Everypony continued to stare with fearful expressions before Apple Bloom got an idea. “Uncle, why don’t you tell ‘em about what you do fer a livin’? Apple Bloom asked innocently.

“Ah! Great idea!” Trevor gave a smile before placing a palm over his heart. “I am the president and CEO of my very own company, Trevor Philips Industries!” Trevor opened his mouth to speak again before a stallion cut him off.

“Pardon me, good sir…” Filthy Rich said, causing Trevor’s eye to twitch from the interruption. “But I do not believe that I am familiar with your particular business.”

“Well…” Trevor said, trying very hard not to snap from the interruption. “We run a very small operation at the moment. However, there is always room for…” He gave a sly smirk. “…aggressive expansion.”

“Really?” Filthy Rich asked. “And what areas does your business deal with?”

Here was the moment of truth. Trevor thought long and hard about what to say, knowing that his wording would have to be careful. He thought back to the attempted deal from earlier that day.

“Well…there’s economic trade…”

Trevor thought for a moment, remembering all of the speed runs and smuggling over the border.

“…and courier services…”

He recalled the fine illegal lab set up at Sweet Apple Acres, hidden of course.

“…manufacturing…”

And he at last remembered the occasional competition who needed putting down.

“…and sometimes waste disposal.”

“Hmmm…” Filthy Rich thought for a moment, tapping his hoof against his chin. “Interesting. Perhaps we could discuss a potential business partnership later on.”

“Daddy!” Diamond Tiara turned to her father with a look of shock. “You can’t be serious!”

“Now, now sweetie…” Filthy Rich turned to his daughter with a scolding look. “There is no need to tarnish any potential friendships.” He gave Trevor a genuine smile, which the human surprisingly returned.

“But…but…” Diamond Tiara looked between the human and her father, and then to Apple Bloom who had a very smug grin on her face. “But…he’s just a big, dirty, talking monkey!”

The entire room fell silent, so much so that you could hear a pin drop. Several eyes widened and looked toward Diamond Tiara with disbelief. She in turn looked up at Trevor, and immediately wished she could have taken the words back.

Trevor stared at her with one eye opened farther than the other.

“You…” He whispered.

His hands clenched into fists.

“You…little…”

His eye twitched a little, and his mouth twisted into a horrible snarl.

“You…little…pink…”

The big vein in his forehead popped out, and Apple Bloom’s eyes widened. Her sister had warned her about this particular feature of Trevor. Supposedly, after some rehabilitation, he had finally turned away from responding violently to mere words from others. However, he still had a tendency to get rather…verbal.

“You…you…” He continued to repeat the word over and over again, his face twisted up into one of boiling rage. He seemed to have actual fire in his eyes, which made Diamond Tiara go pale faced. Apple Bloom coughed loudly, drawing the attention of everypony in the room. Luckily, she had been told by her sister what to do should she ever see the signs of what was about to happen.

“To all of the older family members in the room…” She said aloud as she brought her hooves up to cover her ears. “Ya may wish to follow suit with yer colts and fillies.”

Everypony in the room seemed to understand immediately, and all of the older family members brought their hooves up to cover the ears of their young ones. Just as they did, Trevor’s rage finally boiled over.

“You…little…FUCKING…CUUUUNT!” Trevor screamed the last word, his eyes firmly fixed on Diamond Tiara. Even though she did not hear it through her father’s hooves, she still felt plentiful fearful from the human’s gaze. And he did not stop there.

“And not just you! EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE I GO, I DEAL WITH THIS CHICKEN SHIT BULL SHIT!” He stomped his feet around as he spoke. Trevor brought his arms up and started to wave them around, while speaking the next part in a high-pitched mock-filly voice. “Oh! Look at the big, dirty monkey! Mommy, can I throw peanuts at him?! Mr. Monkey, are you going to throw your shit at us?!”

“Do you fucking know who I am?!” Trevor screamed as he pointed at himself, and then at Diamond Tiara. “I’M THE GUY WHO’S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN…WITH THE JERRY CAN!”

“Ever since I landed in this land of fucking sunshine and rainbows, I have dealt with one shit-storm after another!” He then cupped a hand to his ear. “What’s that, Celestia?! You want to reform me?! You want to make me a better person and individual!? Well, guess what?!” He then gave double middle fingers to the ceiling and screamed at the roof. “REFORM THIS, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!”

“And then you all dare to question me, ME, thinking you all understand when you don’t know shit!” He again altered his voice to a mock high pitched voice while he pranced around Cherilee’s desk. “Oh Trevor, why did you bash that poor griffon’s head in?! Oh Trevor, why did you blow up that pawn shop?! Oh Trevor, why do you always have to be such a degenerate fucking scumbag?! You wanna know why?! YOU WANNA FUCKIN’ KNOW WHY?!

“Because…” Trevor took a few seconds to draw in a long breath, and then let it out full force.

“ASSHOLES!” He made a sweeping gesture to every individual in the room. “EVERYPONY!!! ASSSSSSHOOOOOOOOLES!!!!!!”

Trevor, finally exhausted, slumped back against Cherilee’s desk. He took deep breaths to try to alleviate his tired lungs. After a few tense cautionary minutes of silence, the hooves of the older ponies left the ears of the younger ones. The colts and fillies, their innocence having been spared by the actions of their family members, all looked up quizzically at the stallions and mares.

Each and every older pony had the same look on their face: completely slack jawed and wide eyed. Their expressions were completely still and unmoving, save for the occasional eye twitches. None of them seemed more stunned that Miss Cherilee. Apple Bloom, who removed her hooves from her ears and looked between the heavily breathing Trevor and the shocked ponies in the room, gave a sheepish smile.

It took every ounce Cherilee had in her to summon up the will to force out two single words.

“Class dismissed.” She said flatly, still wide eyed.

Apple Bloom did not skip a beat. She scampered up to Trevor, reaching up to grasp one of his hands with her hoof. The filly then led the human across the room and out the door as fast as she could, not daring to glance around at the still shocked, unmoving faces as she did so.

The two passed out the door and arrived outside, where Trevor’s red Bodhi was parked mere yards away from the front door. Trevor went to lean against the front bumper of his truck, still breathing heavily. The two of them sat there for a few tense moments before Apple Bloom broke the silence.

“Um, Uncle Trevor-“ Apple Bloom began, but Trevor held a finger up to silence her as he continued to take deep breaths. It was a few more seconds before he turned his head up to meet her worried gaze.

“Well…” He began, standing up straight. “That actually went better than I expected.”

“Yeah…” Apple Bloom gave a nervous laugh. “Ah reckon it could have been way worse.”

“Child, that there is the golden lesson in life that I learned a loooong time ago.” He put his hands on his hips and let out a heavy sigh. “No matter how fu-…messed up things may get, it could always be a hell of a lot worse.”

“Hehe, yeah I guess that is true.” Apple Bloom sat silent for a few moments before she spoke again. “Well…ya should probably get goin’ before somepony calls the Royal Guard. Again.”

“Yeah...not a bad idea.” Trevor made his way over to the driver door and opened it up. Before he hopped in, a voice off to the side caught his attention.

“Wait!” Both Trevor and Apple Bloom turned their heads to see Filthy Rich stumble out the door of the schoolhouse and walk up to Trevor. “Mr. Philips, I wish to have a word, if I may.”

Trevor let out a heavy sigh before slamming the truck door and turning to the stallion. “Sir, if this is about what I think it is, you had best do yourself a favor and just let it go and walk away.”

“What?” Filthy Rich cocked an eyebrow before his eyes widened in realization. “Oh, you mean your little outburst in there? No need to worry about that. Believe me…” He gave a slight chuckle. “It happens to the best of us.”

Trevor cocked an eyebrow. “Alright then. If not that, then what?”

“What I want to discuss is what I mentioned earlier before my daughter’s rather rude remark.” Filthy Rich began. “The possibility of working together in the near future.”

“I…seriously?” Trevor asked with a bewildered expression. “Erm…not that I have a problem with it, but most would be a little more hesitant after witnessing something like that.”

“On the contrary…” Filthy Rich gave a smile. “I happen to admire both your passion and your…” He coughed. “…blunt honesty. More than that, you give me an impression, Mr. Philips. You take me as somepony…er…someone who can get things done.”

Trevor was silent for a few moments before he smiled. “Well…I have been told that time and time again.”

“So then…” Filthy Rich held out a hoof. “Partners?”

Trevor stared at the offered hoof for a moment before he took it in his hand, giving it a firm shake. “Like I said, always looking for expansion.”

“Excellent!” Filthy Rich grinned as he retracted his hoof. “I will have my ponies contact your ponies to arrange something.” Filthy Rich turned to walk back towards the schoolhouse, but was stopped by Trevor.

“Pardon me, sir…” Trevor said as he crossed his arms. “But my services are a special field. Are you even aware of what it is that I do?”

Filthy Rich was silent for a moment before he gave a dark chuckle and turned to Trevor with a sly smile. “What was it that you said before? Waste disposal?” Filthy Rich fished out an expensive pair of designer sunglasses and put them over his eyes. “Well, you are not the only one in that particular business. Rest assured.” He turned away from the human. “You will be hearing from me soon, Mr. Philips. I look forward to our future business ventures.”

With that, the stallion walked and disappeared into the schoolhouse. Trevor stared wide eyed at the doorway, a look of disbelief on his face. Apple Bloom, who did not understand in the slightest what had been implied, turned to Trevor with a naïve smile.

“Well, maybe everything is gonna turn out ok after all!” She chirped happily.

Trevor blinked himself out of his trance and turned to her. “Yeah.” He smiled. “I guess it will.”

“Well…” Apple Bloom pawed at the dirt with her hoof. “Ah guess you will be goin’ back to work now?”

“Nah.” Trevor said with a wave of his hand. “I think that concludes it for today. I would say it is about time for us to go home.”

“Wait, us? What do ya mean by-eep!”

Apple Bloom let out a surprised squeak as Trevor scooped her up into his arms. He then opened the driver door of the truck and hopped into his seat. Apple Bloom was then gently laid down on the passenger seat, and she looked up to him with a look of disbelief in her eyes.

“R-really?” She asked as she looked around the inside of the truck. “But…Applejack said that Ah wasn’t allowed to ride in here…”

Trevor started the truck, the rumbling of the engine making Apple Bloom jump slightly in surprise. He turned to her with a half-smile. “If she catches us on the way in, say it was my fault.” He reached an arm out and adjusted the side view mirror.

“Hey…” Apple Bloom spoke softly. “Uncle Trevor?”

“Yeah?” Trevor asked before he felt something scamper onto his chest, and a small set of hooves wrap around his neck. He looked down at the small filly who softly embraced him.

“Thanks for comin’ in today to speak.” She said as she nuzzled his cheek with a smile and closed eyes. “Yer the best Uncle ever.”

It was then, in that moment, that Trevor Philips, the half-insane, psychopathic, cannibalistic, murdering, drug-addicted, gun-running, alcoholic criminal of Los Santos felt something. In the depth of his chest, a very warm feeling spread through his heart, wrapping him in an embrace unlike anything else. It was a feeling that he had not felt in a very long time, and it was only a few seconds later that he realized what it was.

*belch*

Apple Bloom immediately released her grip and jumped back into her seat, her face scrunched up. “Eww! Trevor!”

Trevor let off another burb into his fist. “Sorry. Heartburn.”

Apple Bloom reached over and smacked him on the arm playfully, giggling as she did so. “Alright, how about we just go home?”

Trevor reached over and grabbed a strap along Apple Bloom’s seat, pulling it over her and clicking it into a little plastic piece on the other side. “Safety first!” He said as he shifted the truck into gear.

“Safety?” Apple Bloom cocked an eyebrow. “But why would Ah need-“

She was cut off as Trevor slammed down on the gas pedal, causing the truck to take off. Apple Bloom let off a shriek as they took off down the road at great speed, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake. The Bodhi raced down the path toward the direction of Sweet Apple Acres, with Apple Bloom putting her hooves up like she was on a roller coaster, a gigantic grin on her face. The filly was having such a great time that she failed to notice the faint red stain on the driver’s seat, or the large pile of weaponry in the back bed.

Author's Note

Well, here it is. My first story.
I am new to the writing game, I really don't know what to expect, so I decided to play it safe and write a shameless crossover comedy featuring an iconic game character who is also a lovable psychopath. And behold, this abomination called a story was born.
Anyway, all feedback, even the negative kind, is appreciated. And if this goes somewhere (which I sincerely doubt) then who knows?
Perhaps you all may see a sequel in the future...