A Beautiful Oblivion

I knew I should be afraid. But what of? I felt so at peace, safe, loved, it was all I needed, all I wanted. It felt so real, but it couldn’t be. Where was the fear? I tried to be disgusted with myself, having these thoughts knowing my older sister was suffering; I couldn’t leave her like this. I was her only little sister, only sibling. Only family. I felt my lips eerily droop and my face scrunch up in confusion. But then, once again, there was that sound. That sweet majestic lullaby, the soothing one that seemed to wrap me in its rhythmic notes as if it would protect me from everything.

I looked around confused, where was that melodious sound coming from? And then it hit me like a gust of arctic wind, there was no noise. It was all silence, the silence was so appealing, drawing me as if I were a honey bee headed for the luscious nectar filled flower, peaceful, relaxing; I could sleep in a sweet serenity like this for a very long time...

The lighting around me had faded, a soft relaxing tone, there was waves of color, cautiously swirling around me. Light pinks and baby blues, soft yellows and off whites clouded my vision, and yet somehow everything seemed to become clearer and clearer, I felt invincible with my new understanding.

The monitor beside my bed went off in a fit, beeping rapidly and fiercely, the green dead waves lingered and yet it seemed to be so far away, the sound was fading and it was like it was just an itch buried deep in my subconscious.

Ponies, nurses and a doctor filed through the door quickly and circled around my bed where I was laying flat on my back, no pillow. The females had on creative artsy clothes, cartoon characters and animals were pasted into their matching pants and shirts. The males were plainer, mostly blue, some yellow and light green, the green reminded me of spring.

I tried to count the ponies circled around my bed, but it seemed so unimportant. One broke the circle and took Rarity’s leg, dragging her out of the room, her screams were throaty and her eyes seemed to be infinite faucets with the amount of water pooling from them. A dull ache numbed me, seeing my older sister so lost and hurt. I longed to wrap my legs around her, tell her everything was ok now, that I was safe, at peace. That her little sister was finally going home.

I turned my attention to the ones fussing with my clothes, cutting them and fussing with the material tearing it off frantically until my top half was naked. One of them pulled a cart over with some instruments on it; he took the paddle looking things in his hooves that were connected to a box with dials. Somepony else rubbed jelly on my upper body and they watched the monitor steadily. I should have been embarrassed, that these strangers were undressing me. But I wasn’t and that shimmering veil of light in the corner was becoming so much more appealing...

No, I couldn’t have those thoughts. I had to stay, be with Rarity. She needed me and I needed her. I refused to give in, this is where I belonged. The green lines on the screen sputtered slightly.

“Now!” somepony yelled as the paddles connected with my skin.

The soft easing tones erupted in a splatter of neon paints, and yet things were dulling, I was losing my realization, my ability to see everything so clearly, crystal clear. Everything was foggy again, noise targeted from around my bed was suddenly clear. They continued working with my body, each time the paddles made contact my body rose into the air.

“Collapsed lung!” somepony yelled and at the same time somepony else was lining up a long needle, near my ribs, a hoof pump on the end. I couldn’t bear watching the abuse and trauma my body was going through, so I walked through the door, yes, through, and I went to go find my older sister.

She was in the waiting room, bent low in the chair, her face buried in her hooves. My strong, proud, smart, hardworking older sister looked anything but that. She looked as if she had aged at least a few years, sitting there with lost hope. A nurse offered her a cup, probably with water, and she shook her head refusing it. The nurse set the cup on the table and walked away after patting her back and a few re-assuring words.

I walked to her, standing directly in front of her. I wondered how I could get her attention, and as if on cue her head lifted, and she stared straight at me, through me rather. Her face was pale, shadows casting under her eyes and her cheek bones seemed hollow. Her sapphire eyes had no light, they were blood shot and dull.

“Rarity?” I asked carefully. Her eyes showed no signs of having heard me. “Rarity!” I said louder, watching careful for any signs that she could hear me. But it was pointless, I had no voice. I stomped my hooves in frustration and the cup on the table beside her spilled over. Her face snapped towards it, but she only frowned showing no interest. That’s odd. I thought.

I stomped my feet again, and this time the T.V. from across the room turned on. She looked at the T.V. wiping her eyes as if she were seeing things. “Rarity...,” I said slowly dragging the word out. This time her eyes widened in shock, a light coming back into them, and her head snapped around looking for the source. When she saw nothing her eyes dulled again and they filled with more tears.

“Sister, please listen.” Her mouth opened slightly, as if she were going to say something, and as if deciding against it, closed again. “Rarity, I’m here.” I laid my hoof over hers, and of course, it passed through, I glared at it angrily. I tried again, this time being careful to hold my hoof right above hers. She snatched her hoof back as if something had bitten it and stared at it in horror.

I frowned, I was getting nowhere. Suddenly her features softened. “Sweetie Belle?” she whispered not sure if she should believe it.

“Yes Rarity! It’s me.” I said excitedly. An elder mare walked by, two nurses were holding onto her legs and she was barely moving on her own. Until she saw me.

“Hello dear,” she smiled sweetly at me and I looked at her puzzled, how could she see me and nopony else could? “I think I’ll be joining you quite soon don’t you think?” Rarity looked at her, puzzled.

“I’m sorry, come again?” she asked and the old mare shook her head.

“No no, not you dear, she pointed directly at me making eye contact, your little sister! She’s a ghost,” I looked back at Rarity, her eyes had widened in terror as she looked at where the mare had pointed, at me. The nurses looked at Rarity sincerely.

“I’m sorry ma’am, she isn’t herself lately,” one of the nurses turned to the mare, “Anna, there’s nopony there, let’s get you back to bed ok?” The old mare just smiled and winked at me.

“See you soon honey,” she said nodding towards me. “And I’m sorry about your little sister dear, so sorry.” She continued to mumble on with apologies and the nurses started pulling her more urgently towards the exit.

“Wait, Wait!” Rarity called urgently towards them. She sprang to her feet rushing towards the mare, “You can see my little sister? How? And what do you mean she’s a ghost? She’s not even dead!” her voice was quick and panicky; she ignored the glances between the two nurses. The mare smiled and turned to her taking Rarity’s hoof.

“The dead can see the dead, the dead can see the living, but only the near dead can see the dead,” she paused for a moment, “And you my dear, are lucky you can’t see her.”

“M-my l-little sister is,” she stuttered the words, the last one catching in her throat, “dead?” the old mare shook her head.

“No no, not dead, not yet,” she looked over Rarity’s shoulder at me, “She has to find strength and prepare for her death.” My sister nodded as if considering this all. Then, just as quickly tears started cascading down her face, sobs broke out rocking her body.

One of the nurses let the mare go, and went to my older sister, guiding her back to the chair. The mare looked at her sympathetically as another nurse from down the hall came to take the mare’s other leg, leading her away.

I couldn’t bear the pain throbbing in my mind, it was unbearable. I longed for that peaceful place but no matter how hard I tried how much I focused, it just wouldn’t come. I couldn’t stand being here another moment longer, so I headed back to my room.

The room was calmer now, the green line was back, rising and falling like the seas waves. I looked at the filly on the bed, me. Everything around me took minutes to process, like I was seeing everything for the first time, surfaced from a whole different world.

I was surprisingly tired, weak even. I looked at myself in the bed, IV’s were poking out of my legs, one for a blood transfusion, a white bandage was wrapped around my partially shaven head and some blood had come through dotting the white material with red. I always looked like my older sister, but now my bones were hollow and my ankles and joints were bruised with shadows.

I felt a tremendous weight pressing down on me; I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Everything was foggy, unclear. The persistent flashy colors were distracting yet meaningless. Everything seemed fake and unreal.

The door opened with a soft swirl and my sister appeared, stepping into the room. She walked to my bedside, pulling a plastic chair up to the head of the bed. She lifted my hoof and held it in hers. She took a shuddering breath and surprised me when she spoke.

“I know you’re hurting Sweetie Belle, and I need you to know its ok to let go now.” Those words, I wanted to believe they were only for comfort, but I could feel them, every syllable of those words, she meant.

She smiled gently and I noticed she was now clutching my hoof for dear life. She started talking again, telling me her favorite memories of us together. Our favorite place to be, our favorite meadow. I wondered if I would be able to see it again if let go...

Weeds and wildflowers grew as high as your knees and the soft naturally created soil provided the world around it with nutrients. In the spring the wildflowers would erupt and blossom into unending waves of fruitful colors, any color you could imagine. A bubbling stream zig-zagged through a couple trees and ran downhill, small stones piling around and beneath it making it look almost hoof-made. Luxurious rich green trees stand like sentries on either side as far as the eye can see, providing a nice, cool place to rest with the over bearing glare of the sun.

Her voice was becoming dull, light and distant even though I was the same distance from her as I had been the entire time. The tender tone of her voice floated away into the air like drift wood on a river.

I felt light, invincible again. I could see my sister’s lips moving, but I was beyond the point of hearing. The colors had dulled around me, mixing with the baby blues, light pinks and yellows again. There was a warm breeze in the room and I wondered where it was coming from, but like all my thoughts, it was consumed by the majestic sounds around me. Silence. Everything around me seemed muffled but I couldn’t find the feelings or sense to incorporate them.

There was a buzzing in my ear, everything seemed to be vibrating around me, moving faster and faster until it was a wheel of colors all smudged together. I could feel the pull of the sea of light that was casting downwards, talons reaching like my older sister’s legs out to me. I felt myself moving towards it slowly, but gradually.

The hum grew louder, more appealing, I was a lemming and the light was my sea, and I needed more than anything to find my way into that sea. Like a moth drawn to a flame, I made my way into the shimmering veil of light. The colors around me swirled different tones of white and light blues, the comfort it provided evaporating all confusion and fear. The warmth the light emitted traveled through my veins filling me with warmth and serenity.

This entire journey felt as if I had been plunging, plummeting towards darkness and the fear masked the benefit of doubt. I wasn't falling anymore; I no longer felt the fear of losing my grip and plunging. Instead I casted my vision forward, proud and dominant.

I smiled, because there standing directly in my line of vision was the old mare, her white ghostly mane curled tightly against her head, she stood there smiling warmly back at me, welcoming, but I also sensed some attitude of “I told you so.”

I knew my older sister would be crying, but somehow that light assured me, assured me that she’d be ok, and I knew deep down all on my own she would be too. I knew I would be too, and I knew I’d see her again, someday.

As I took my last needed breath, my heart took its last needed beat and my lungs their last intake of air, I knew the monitors behind me would be erupting in fits of fury and the doctor and nurses would be barging into the room with panic stricken faces as they set to work reviving my already lost soul.

The light had overtaken me, brought me home, ready to show me a new way of life. I was completely, undeniably, hopelessly, oblivious. But it was a beautiful oblivion.