Gummy is not suitable bathing apparatus
Sighing contentedly, Twilight allowed herself to sink further into the bathtub's waters, its foamy surface eagerly leaping at the chance to cover her face in a silken layer of soapsuds. Languidly, she stretched out leg after leg, the tension eagerly peeled off just as the mud from Froggy Bottom Bog had before it. It had been a hard afternoon’s work collecting amphibian samples with Fluttershy from the Bog's marshy pits, and Twilight was more than certain that she'd earned a good few hours of luxurious soaking.
"And maybe a few minutes after that," Twilight mused happily, as she began gathering bubbles up into a scale replica of Ponyville, destined to destruction at the squeaky beak of the rubber duck clasped in her other hoof. "And a few minutes after that, and, well, maybe a few minutes after –"
“Twi-light!” Pinkie yelled at the top of her lungs from about two feet away, causing Twilight to jerk forwards in surprise, plunge her head into a stack of bubbles and swallow a great amount of the misty water. “Ohmigosh, Twilight! Are you alright?”
Spluttering, Twilight coughed out what felt a small lake back into the bath before reaching up and disentangling the duck from her hair.
“I'm – Hccack – I'm fine, Pinkie... Thanks for asking.” Twilight twisted round, her hooves pushing her up off the bathtub's sides for an emphasis only slightly spoiled by her thick, foamy beard. “Now, what the hay do you think you're doing? I'm having a bath! And it's in my house! Haven't you heard of privacy?”
“Oh gosh Twilight; I'm super sorry, but my shoulder's felling all achy. And you know what that means.” Pinkie grinned up at a thoroughly baffled Twilight.
“No, Pinkie, I haven't the –”
“There's an Alligator in the tub!” Pinkie said, dashing forwards and pulling out the offending pet from his foamy retreat.
“Why am I not surprised,” Twilight dead-panned, as Pinkie shook Gummy rapidly from side to side, spraying wall, ceiling and floor with soapy water.
“Because you're such a super-smart smarty pants that you'd have to get up real early to catch you by surprise!” Pinkie responded, Gummy already safely clamped onto her ear as she bounced merrily up and down. “I mean, remember when me and Rainbow Dash snuck that invisible ink onto your desk? I had to stay up a whole week for that! So, you wanna go to Sugarcube corner with me? The Cakes were making a fresh batch of those cookies you liked so much last time when I left.”
“Uh huh,” Twilight replied, slumping down back into the water with a groan. Already, she could feel the water's siren call trying to tug her further down, but life, it appeared, had arrived in the form of an excitable pink pony, and Celestia had taught her to be a better citizen than to unleash Pinkie bored onto Ponyville. She'd be far, far worse than the duck.
“Just give me a minute Pinkie. I'll need to dry off first.” Pinkie nodded. Twilight waited. It eventually occurred to her that she might be waiting a while.
“Err, Pinkie... would you mind waiting in the hall?” The blue eyes widened dramatically as understanding struck Pinkie meteor-like upon the head.
“Oh, right! Sorry. I'll see you in a while then, you alligator bath collector!”
As Pinkie trotted out, Twilight wondered whether it would be worth asking her exactly why Gummy had chosen to get in her bath, never mind exactly how.
'Meh, best to leave it,' she thought, allowing herself to succumb slightly to the warm, all encompassing lap of the water. 'I mean, it's not like it'd make much sense anyway. Mmm, this water's really good... Maybe she won't notice a few more minutes...' A purple haze wrapped itself around the door's lock, and – very, very quietly – slid the latch home.
*****
The sound of a frantic banging on the door roused Twilight from her slumber, the first words to tumble from her lips a series of incoherent “Muarghs?”
“I – Muargh – I... I... Pinkie!” Twilight thrust herself forwards with a gasp, waves breaking away from a body that looked more prune than pony. But the current situation was far, far worse than wrinkling, un-Rarity approved skin: Pinkie had been left unattended in her library for hours, and she'd only just finished sorting the shelves for the fourth time this month!
“Oh no, oh no, oh no!” Her hooves shot up as she clasped her head in despair. “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! Princess Celestia will never forgive me if she's turned Ponyville Library into... into some sort of rave thing whilst I've been sitting up here, marinating in... in...” She gave the funny, brown coloured water she was lying in a splash, before lifting some up on her hoof and gently dabbing it on her tongue.
“Coffee?” Twilight whispered, far, far beyond confused and out into the wild pastures of bewilderment.
The hammering on the door reasserted itself stronger than ever, faint waterfalls of dust cascading out from between the cracks.
“Hold on... I'll be a minute...” Twilight called out, eyeing the coffee bath she was lying in with a great deal of suspicion. She had to admit, this was certainly the most complicated prank Pinkie had ever pulled, though its purpose easily escaped her. “Just... just let me dry myself off before I–” She hopped out of the bath.
Instantly, the coffee-water flowed from off her sides and into a shining rivulet of caffeine that twisted itself easily across the room and flowed back into the bathtub, a faint series of plops announcing droplet after droplet discussing the marvelous adventures they'd had in the land outside.
“Or I'm fine... I guess.” Twilight blinked rapidly, before trotting over gingerly and pulling open the door, expecting to be hit full on in the face by a party cannon and a bellow of 'Surprise!' Instead, Pinkie Pie – clothed head to toe in a white rabbit costume – barreled through the door and collided heavily with Twilight, causing the two of them to bounce drunkenly across the room.
Shaking her head, Twilight rose to her feet with a groan before blinking idly as the disturbed bathtub's contents were eagerly siphoned out of the window and into the sky. Frowning, she glared down at a sheepish looking Pinkie.
“Pinkie Pie, what have you done!” She struggled briefly with the urge to shake the rabbit-costumed pony, before giving in. “What! Did! You! Do!”
“Heeeyyyyy! Tttthhhhiiiiiissss wasssnnn'ttt alllll mmmeeeee!” Pinkie replied, her head lolling backwards and forwards randomly as her words spluttered forth in an incoherent mess.
“Ssssoooommmee ooofffffff itttttt wassssss GUUUuuummmmmyyyy!” Caught in shock, Twilight stopped shaking her.
“What? You're blaming Gummy for this!” she yelled, disbelief decorating each and every letter in a fashion fancier than Christmas.
“Well, I suppose it is kinda my fault – but only a little! I mean, maybe I should have paid more attention when he started taking baths every day rather than every week. I mean, duh! That's way too abnormal for –” And then Twilight started shaking her again.
“What! Does! That! Have! To! Do! With! This!” She ceased shaking long enough to point at a chair half-heartedly scrapping itself across the floor towards them. It gave a slight moan of discontent as they watched, and then redoubled its efforts. They'd probably only have a few years left before it caught up with them.
“I was getting to that, honest! You see, Gummy's bathing more often because he's shedding his skin – well, he's shed it now, but –”
“Pinkie...” Twilight growled.
“Okay, okay! There's no need to be such a meany, Twilight.” Pinkie glanced over once at the chair, before beckoning with a hoof for Twilight to come closer, as if scared the chair would denounce her if this came to trial. Cautious, but curious all the same, Twilight leaned in.
“Gummy shed his skin because he had to evolve.” Twilight raised her head, nodded solemnly, then lifted her hooves into the air to begin her first attempt at mareslaughter (no jury could possibly convict her of murder, not under these circumstances) when Pinkie pulled out from under her with a startled squeak.
“I'm being serious, Twilight! At first, he was just a flashing Gummy: black, white, black, white, black-white, black-white, blackwhiteblackwhiteblackwhite... and then he was sorta pulled out like this!” Pinkie raised her arms above her head and tried to indicate pulling. Twilight tried to levitate a book off a shelf to bat Pinkie with, but her attempt failed as the novel instead targeted her, drenching her quickly in a deluge of gerunds.
“You see, what I'm really, really trying to get at, Twilight, is that Gummy's... Gummy's a Draconequus. You know, like that big old king of the meanies, Discord.” She put on a silly voice like another mare might put on clothes. “Chocolate milk! Make everypony grey! Dancing Buffalo are so in this season!” Twilight halted in her murderous advance.
“That's... that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!” she shouted.
“Well, that's only because sights can't be sounds, or else your face would fit the criteria, I'm sure,” a strangely feminine male voice purred from out the hallway.
“Oh no!” Pinkie gasped dramatically. “I left the door open, and Gummy... Gummy can get in! Look, look! It's Him! Quick, Twilight – try and hide as this!” A dictionary was hastily shoved into her hooves, the book flapping a single cover weakly in protest. Then Gummy stepped into the room.
He'd certainly changed, that was for sure, but he was still recognisably Gummy. Except... well, except that he'd been stretched out like putty. His limbs were all thin and spindly, almost spider like, and it was doubtful whether they could support his full weight. Thankfully, though, the two black, leather wings flapping hard behind his back more than made up for any gravitational deficiencies he may or may not have had. Idly twirling an edge of his long, villain like mustache, Gummy smirked down at the two ponies, his spine contorted into knots so that he could fit inside the room.
“I'm afraid that won't work any more, Pinkie Pie. Hiding as Angel bunny was a brilliant though rather easily foiled plan. But as a dictionary? Oh, please.” The grin turned savage. “I ate the last few, and I must say, they're so much better caught fresh and young.” A reptilian tongue flickered out from his lips.
“Ang... Angel bunny?” Twilight whispered, turning her gaze onto Pinkie's costume before hurriedly backing away when it lazily winked at her.
“Besides, what chance did you think you had, hmm? I've scattered the Elements of Harmony across Equestria, and have three of their bearers locked up inside my own, personal fortress.” He clapped his bony limbs together merrily, though evilly, as the air about him began to be steadily stained green. “Even if you managed to find the way to the exit, I've parked Neighmann's Hippopotamus outside the front door, and nopony – and I mean nopony – can get past that.” Twilight Sparkle stomped a hoof.
“I can!” she said fearlessly, her nose already aquiver at the thought of tackling it head on.
“Oh, please. As if some mere child could beat that. I bet you haven't even heard of Moobius or Whinneystrass, have you? Besides, it's irrelevant. You'll never even see that hippo, Twilight Sparkle.” Gummy clicked a pair of scaly digits, and the room was suddenly packed to the brim with an assorted array of Gummi bears. “Get her, my pets! Get them both! Mwhahahah!”
“Oh no, Pinkie! What do we do?” Twilight moaned as the bear's gelatinous limbs backed the two of them firmly into a corner, their see-through limbs waving back and forth before her like tentacles.
“Oh Twilight! I'm so sorry,” Pinkie cried, the tears streaming down her face boiling into small clouds and floating away. “I should never have kept that egg from my chicken costume all those Nightmare Nights ago! Inky was right, Twilight! She! Was! Right!”
“Not so fast!” a raspy voice thundered through the room, causing all of it's occupants to freeze as suddenly as if they'd been caught in a game of musical chairs.
“Why, if our little egghead hasn't decided to join us,” Gummy cooed, clapping his claws softly together. “You're late to the funeral party, Rainbow Dash.”
A shape flew into the room. It was indeed Rainbow Dash, and her head was most certainly an egg.
“I've had enough of you, Gummy!” Rainbow cried, her head wobbling dangerously back and forth. “And you know what? Your little scheme hasn't worked out after all! Your joke's backfired big time, cos I'm an egghead now, and yeh know what eggheads do?” She grinned, and even though she was an egg, it still managed to look cool. “We solve problems! Get 'im, Hippo!”
With a thunderous roar, a huge, mainly transparent Hippo burst out of hiding behind her and slammed its way through a surge of Gummi bears towards the cackling villain. Maybe it was down to jealousy, or maybe it was just one too many weird, curvy straws stacked upon a camel, but something in Twilight Sparkle snapped.
“This doesn't make any sense!” she screamed loudly, as bits of bear flew throughout the room and Gummy taunted Rainbow with Humpty Dumpty jokes. “This doesn't make any sense at –”
*****
Covers thrown aside, Twilight pushed forwards roaring “Nothing makes sense!” at the top of her lungs, hooves wrapping like vines around something softly pink and yellow.
“Oh, of course it doesn't, Twilight; how silly of me to think it does,” Fluttershy whimpered with a placating smile as she curled herself up into a tight, yellow ball.
“Whoa, take it easy, Twilight,” Rainbow interjected, pulling Twilight's arms off the now retreating Fluttershy. Twilight's eyes roamed shakily around the room before latching onto Pinkie's.
“Yeah,” Pinkie continued, a concerned expression on her normally cheerful face. “You've been out for quite a while now, and the Doctors all said you've been through one heck of a doozy.”
“I... I was just in my bathroom, and... and...” She blinked and took a look round the room. Recognition struck after a few moments' thought, her head seeming a bit muddled for some reason. She was in a hospital bed, the hospital gown she was wearing clinging slightly to her coat from sweat. All of her friends were there.
“Ahem.” Twilight's head followed Rarity's cough to its source. “I'm afraid Applejack's a bit too tied up with applebucking season right now to attend. I'm sure she'll be along this afternoon, however.” Twilight nodded, her mind still distracted by the ever-present fuzz and her lingering memories of... whatever that was.
“What... happened to me, Pinkie?” she asked cautiously.
“Well, when you didn't come back down from your bath, I went up and found you all twitchy. But it didn't look like the fun kind of twitchy, nuh-uh, so I went and got help as fast as I could.”
“But... but what happened to me? I mean, why? What caused it?” She turned to Fluttershy, who had finally unfurled herself and was back within hoofreach. “Fluttershy, do you think I picked something up from Froggy Bottom Bog?”
“Actually, no. The truth of what happened to you is rather more exotic.” Rarity gave a slight glare towards Pinkie. “You see, apparently our dear friend Gummy the alligator isn't an alligator.”
“Huh!” Twilight gasped. “So he really is a Draconequus!”
“What? No!” Rainbow stifled a giggle. “He's some sorta lizard thingy majegy.”
“A Mmm,” Fluttershy corrected.
“Yeah, that.”
“A Mmm? Oh of course.” Twilight clopped a hoof against her skull. “The skin of a Mmm produces a poison that causes hallucinations and vivid dreams when consumed! It's meant as a defense mechanism.” She frowned. “Still, that doesn't explain how it got into me...”
“Well... Gummy was in your bath, wasn't he Twilight? Maybe you, accidentally of course, drank some of it,” Fluttershy offered. Twilight's mouth opened to protest that she'd never do something so stupid as to drink bath water when...
“Oh dear.” Her hoof met her face again and agreed dates for later pleasantries.
“Hang on a minute. There's one thing I don't quite get,” Rainbow interrupted, frowning at Pinkie. “I mean, Pinkie lives with Gummy, and she's never.... had anything... like this...”
The group stared at Pinkie. Pinkie grinned at the group.
“Oh, I usually get super-cranky if I don't have a bath with Gummy at least twice a day!” She bounced higher than should be possible, before flipping over in mid-air and landing on her back. “La-la la la-la.”
“That... that explains a lot, actually,” Rainbow concluded.
“Well, it was certainly interesting, and I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere about friendship for the Princess.” Her friends smiled warmly down at her. “Maybe something like: No matter what happens, your real friends will always be there for you.”
Just then, the doors barged open as a sweat drenched farm pony burst into the room, the apples from her side-baskets tumbling over the floor. Panting heavily, she looked wide-eyed around the room, until she finally spotted Twilight and hastily trotted over.
“Twi! You're alright! I came as soon as I heard. Dropped absolutely everythin'. What in Equestria happened to yeh?”
“Oh, Applejack,” Rarity tittered as the group burst into laughter. “You're so silly.”
*****
This. This is what I make when I drop my three day wait-before-you-write policy on new ideas.
I hope you're all happy.
Unless you're asking if the poison of Mmm has any side effects other than hallucinations, to which the answer is yes.
Twilight died two hours after this fic.
And NOW I hope you're all happy.
