FOR SCIENCE!
by GeodesicDragon
Commissioned by HB_DS2013
As Twilight observed the object she held in her levitation aura closely, scrutinising it from every possible angle, I crossed my arms and let out a loud sigh in an attempt to get her attention. When it failed, I strolled over and snatched the item out of her grip.
I took a look at it myself, my eyes lighting up as I made out a very familiar blue and orange label. I cocked an eyebrow at Twilight and grinned. "Irn Bru?" I asked. "Jeez, Twi, you've been obsessed with this stuff ever since you tried it. You already know that it makes you very horny – not to mention very sleepy – so why are you still wasting all this time and effort on it?"
"Thank you for reminding me about that," Twilight snapped, snatching the back. "I may know what effect is has on me, but I'm simply curious to know what our friends will think of it." She beamed from ear to ear. "Which is why I am going to run an experiment — on the girls, that is. You, John and Ace aren't included, since this is something invented by your species... so I think it stands to reason that none of you would be affected in the same way I was." She giggled. "Mind you, it would be nice if it did."
I rolled my eyes. "Trust you to change the subject back to me," I replied. "I can see your logic, Twilight, but this stuff isn't going to taste itself — so let's go and find the others." I rubbed my hands together. "I don't know about you, but I'm sure as hell looking forward to seeing the outcome of this particular experiment."
Twilight smirked at me as she led the way out of the library and onto the streets of Ponyville. Our first victim – oops, I mean, test subject – was none other than Fluttershy. She was at the cherry stand in town, having a discussion with the owner.
"Five bits," the owner said. "No more, no less."
"But I just want a single cherry," Fluttershy replied. "So why should I pay the price for a full punnet?" She sighed. "Are we really having this discussion again? I thought you'd have learned your lesson after what happened the last time you tried to overcharge me."
"Well that crazy pink mare and her snooty friend ain't around to help you now," the owner sneered. "So... five bits, or get lost."
Hearing enough, I strode up to the stand. "I've got a better idea," I said. "How about you give her all the cherries she wants, for free, and I won't have you shut down by Trading Standards?"
The stallion gasped at my sudden appearance and pressed his muzzle into the ground as he bowed. "P-Prince Geo," he stammered. "I never meant any offence, please forgive me for my behaviour." He pushed a single cherry towards Fluttershy. "Here, take it, on me." He looked at me and I folded my arms. "I'll also do as the Prince commands, and give you all the cherries you want for free."
I nodded curtly and went to rejoin Twilight as Fluttershy smiled warmly. "Oh, um, thank you," she said, taking the cherry and putting it in her saddlebag. "Have a nice day."
The cherry seller didn't reply as Fluttershy came over to us. "Thanks, Geo," she said, giving me an appreciative nuzzle. "I thought for sure I was going to be there all day. I just can't bring myself to be assertive now, not after what happened the last time."
"Well, all of that negotiating you did has probably made you thirsty," Twilight offered. "So, how about a drink?" She held the bottle out to her, and Fluttershy took it with a look of apprehension clearly evident on her face.
"'Irn Bru?'" she asked, puzzled. "What's this, Twilight?"
"It's a drink, popular where Geo comes from," Twilight replied. "I've tried it, and it's really good." I couldn't help but grin, since she neglected to mention the effect the stuff had had on her. "Go on, Fluttershy, you'll like it. Trust me."
Fluttershy looked at the bottle for a moment, then shrugged and unscrewed the cap. She put it to her lips and took a few small sips, smacking her lips as the taste washed over her tongue. After a while, she put the cap back on and gave the bottle to me. "You're right, Twilight," she said. "That is very nice. But... I feel a bit s—"
Without warning, she suddenly went rigid. Twilight and I looked at her, then to each other, looks of worry on our faces. "Um, Fluttershy?" I asked. "Are you all rig—"
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fluttershy screamed at the top of her lungs. "That's some good shit right there!" She turned around, locking eyes with the owner of the cherry stand. "How does it feel to be taken down a peg or two, bitch?!" She cackled loudly as the poor cherry stallion hid under his counter. "I need to get me some of this stuff." She slapped me on the back with a wing. "You can get me some, Geo, right?" She laughed again. "Who am I kidding, of course you can get me some!"
Just then, Haywick appeared at the far end of the market. He saw us and came over. "Hello, everypony," he said jovially. "How are you all to—" He let out a shocked gasp as Fluttershy suddenly picked him up. "Um, Fluttershy, what are you doing?"
"You, me, home, bedroom," Fluttershy demanded. "NOW!"
Haywick grinned meekly. "R-really? But it's such a nice day outside," he replied. "Maybe we can go to the park instead?"
Fluttershy thought for a moment, then nodded. "That's a good idea," she said, to which Haywick looked relieved. "I've always wanted to do it in a public place!"
Haywick looked stunned, but Fluttershy had sped off before Twilight or I could stop her. All we heard amid the rush of wind were the desperate pleadings of a scared stallion. Twilight and I looked at each other, both of us looking guilty.
"Well," Twilight said flatly. "That was certainly unexpected. But at least the effects should wear off as quickly as they did with me." A loud squeal of horror coming from the park confirmed Twilight's theory. "Good, that's one less thing to worry about."
I shook my head. "Poor Fluttershy." I chuckled. "She's going to have a hard time getting over this."
"We'll make it up to her later," Twilight replied. "Come on, let's continue the experiment — because I do believe I just saw Rarity going back into the Boutique..."
With those words she trotted off, leaving me to wonder just what in the hell was going to happen next.
***
After I rang the doorbell of the Boutique, I could have sworn I heard Rarity cursing before she opened the door.
"Can't a mare get some time to herself once she gets home from a hard day at the spa?" she grumbled to herself before opening the door. "I'm sorry, but I'm closed. Please come back to—" She finally noticed she was addressing my leg, and looked up slowly. "Oh... oh, my. Hello, Geo, Twilight. Please, come in." She stepped aside and let us pass, then quickly shut the door. "Sorry about that, it's just that I wasn't expecting company."
"It's fine, Rarity," Twilight replied. "We saw you coming in and decided to pay you a visit." She smirked. "So... a hard day at the spa, huh? I bet you could use a drink."
"I most certainly could." Rarity nodded. "Normally, I would have some green tea — but since I could have sworn I heard Fluttershy of all ponies shouting and swearing in the street earlier, I think I'll have a gin and tonic instead."
"Or," Twilight said. "You could take a swig of this stuff." She held up the bottle. "It's called Irn Bru, and it's really popular where Geo comes from. I've tried it, and it's really nice."
Once again, she failed to mention the potential side effects the stuff had on ponies — but Rarity seemed convinced, and motioned for her to pass the bottle over. "Very well, Twilight," she murmured. "I shall take you up on this offer."
Slowly, and with some hesitation, she brought the bottle to her lips and took a sip. She gulped the liquid down and wordlessly hoofed the bottle back to Twilight, who simply smiled wickedly.
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"I feel..." Rarity began, only to cover her mouth in a failed attempt to stifle a burp. She blinked in surprise, then narrowed her eyes. "I could have been a Princess, too, you know." She said, suddenly prodding Twilight in the chest. "If things had gone my way at the Gala, I would have been a Princess long before you ever were." She waved a forehoof in the air dramatically. "But oh no, my Prince just had to be a pompous jackass." She pointed at me. "But your Prince is perfect in every way, shape and form."
Twilight giggled. "I wouldn't say perfect," she replied. "Don't get me wrong, I do love him very much — but seriously, Rarity, you should smell his breath in the morning."
Both Rarity and I glared at her, though she spoke first. "That doesn't matter, dammit," she snapped. "Why should you get to become a Princess? What makes you so special?!"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I'm the Element of Magic?" she offered. "I'm Princess Celestia's best student, I was the one who warned of the coming of Nightmare Moon, I tried warning everypony when I realised something was wrong with 'Cadence'—" She made quotation marks with her hooves, "— and I was also the one who finished Starswirl the Bearded's spell."
There was a long period of silence as Rarity processed what she had just heard, before she bared her teeth and growled. "Don't get smart with me, Twilight!" she yelled. "Both of you just got lucky, and that's all there is to it!" She was about to continue her rant, but she belched again. "Oh, my. I do apologise, darlings, that was very unladylike of me. I don't know what's in that drink of yours, Geo, but it... it... oh, sweet Celestia, I am so sorry for what I said!"
Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. "Don't worry about it," she said. "It's this stuff." She held up the bottle. "I'm actually running an experiment, to see what kind of effect it has on ponies. It made Fluttershy show us her more aggressive side, and it made you show off your repressed jealousy about Blueblood."
"Whom you are better off without," I added. "Seriously, Rarity, the guy is a bigger arsehole today than he was during the Grand Galloping Gala. Besides, you've got Spike now... so just be happy with him, like he is with you." I cracked a smile. "Oh, and by the way, Irn Bru makes Twilight both very horny and extremely sleepy."
Rarity smiled politely, while Twilight opted for smacking me in the face with one of her wings.
"I can't believe I could be so callous about my sweet little Spikey-Wikey." Rarity groaned. "I thought I had forgotten all about my idea of being with Prince Blueblood after the way he behaved that evening, but it would seem I haven't." She sighed. "You've both given me a lot to think about, so I am going to ask Spike to come over so that I can tell him about what has transpired here today."
"Good luck with that," Twilight said. "And I'm sorry I wasn't more upfront with you about what we were doing."
I cleared my throat. "'We?'" I asked. "I think you mean 'what I was doing,' my dear Twilight. I am but a pawn in your grand scheme."
"Shut up and let's go find Rainbow Dash," Twilight growled. "See you later, Rarity. I hope you and Spike work things out."
"As do I, darling," Rarity replied. "As do I."
With that, Twilight and I left the Boutique and went towards the park. We knew that Dash would be there, either doing her daily coaching session with Scootaloo or sleeping in a tree, so finding her wouldn't be all that hard.
***
As we entered the park, we saw that Dash was indeed coaching Scootaloo — who was hovering a good couple of feet off the ground with a huge grin on her face. Dash stood next to her wearing a grin that was both proud and smug.
"I'm... I'm doing it!" Scootaloo squealed. "I'm hovering!"
Dash guided the eager filly back down to the ground, ruffling her mane as she did so. "Just like I said you could, squirt," she said. "I'm proud of you, Scoots — you'll be flying in no time."
Scootaloo nodded and rushed over to Twilight and I. "Did you see that?" she asked. "Did you, did you, huh, huh, did you?"
"We sure did, Scootaloo," I replied, giving her a high five. "With a teacher like Rainbow Dash showing you the ropes, you're well on your way to becoming an ace flyer."
Scootaloo gave us a delighted squee, her wings buzzing furiously. "I gotta go tell Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle about this!" She rushed over to her scooter, got on, and took off. "I'll see you tomorrow, Rainbow Dash!" She shouted over her shoulder.
"See ya, squirt!" Dash called back, as she finally turned her attention to us. "Hey, guys, what's up?"
"Oh, nothing," Twilight nonchalantly replied. "We're just out for a walk, that's all." I poked her in the side. "All right, fine, I'm doing an experiment, and I would like your help." Dash gave her a confused look, so she held up the bottle. "All you have to do is drink this stuff – which is called 'Irn Bru,' a popular soft drink where Geo comes from – and let me observe the results. We've already tried it on Fluttershy and Rarity, so you can be next."
"The former didn't know it was an experiment," I added. "She got rather... excitable and left, so we'll need to find her later — as well as apologise to both her and Haywick for what happened."
Dash didn't even hesitate. "Sure, I'll try it," she said. "Give me the bottle, Twi, and let me see what's so special about this stuff."
Twilight did as she was asked – okay, ordered – and Dash was soon taking a swig of the delightful orange liquid. She smacked her lips together to savour the taste, and passed the bottle back. After a while, something happened.
As we watched, the orange in Dash's mane suddenly began to take over the rest of it — but it didn't stop there. It soon encompassed her entire body, turning her orange from head to tail. I lost my composure and fell over laughing, while Twilight tried her best to maintain some sense of professionalism.
Dash opened her mouth and pointed at me, presumably to ask why I was laughing — but the question died on her tongue as she caught sight of her bright orange fur.
"What the hell?!" she let out a shrill yelp. "That stuff has turned me into Applejack!" She pointed angrily at Twilight. "Change me back, Twilight, right now!"
Twilight snickered. "The side effects are temporary, and will wear off in a few minutes," she replied. "So don't worry yourself." She paused for a moment. "But, with that said... orange you glad you didn't turn yellow?"
She fell over giggling uproariously at her 'joke,' while I stopped laughing and joined Dash in giving Twilight a stare that could probably bore through solid concrete.
"That was ridiculous." Dash facehoofed. "Just... tell me when the effect has worn off, will you? I really cannot stand not being my usual awesome self."
We were about to reply when John, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts, suddenly appeared out of nowhere and tackled Dash to the ground. He put her in a full nelson and looked at Twilight and I.
"I don't know what magic this thing was using, but you should hopefully be clear of it now," he said. He then looked at Dash. "As for you, you stupid changeling, you should know that Applejack has a blonde mane, not an orange one, and that her cutie mark is three apples, and not... wait, Rainbow Dash?"
Dash growled at him as the effects of the Irn Bru wore off, giving her back her usual vibrant colours. John chuckled sheepishly as he released the angry pegasus and stood up.
"You've got three seconds," Dash said slowly. "Then I am going to hunt you down and hurt you." John didn't need to be told twice and immediately took off running, followed closely by Dash. "THREE!"
Ignoring his frantic apologies and pleading, Twilight spoke. "So, it would seem that Irn Bru changes some part of what makes a pony unique," she theorised. "In Fluttershy's case it removed her shyness, in Rarity's case it amplified her desire to be famous – by way of being a member of the Royal Family – and in Rainbow Dash's case... it simply got rid of the rainbow part."
"Mm-hmm." I nodded. "Now we just need to find Applejack and Pinkie Pie so that we can complete this crazy thing."
Twilight pointed at John, who was hiding in a bush as Rainbow Dash flew overhead. Both of them saw her pointing, so John leapt out the hedge and resumed running as Dash dive-bombed it. "If he's here, then Applejack might be nearby," she offered. "So let's go find her."
"Might I suggest the swimming hole?" I asked. "John was only wearing shorts – something I didn't need to see – so maybe that's where he was before he saw us with the 'changeling?'"
"But the Apples have their own swimming hole," Twilight countered, somewhat smugly. "So why would they come to the park?"
"Because ours is full of beavers!" John shouted as he ran past, dodging another Dash attack. "They're using it to cool off, so we came here instea—aaaaaarrrrrrggghhhhh!"
Dash finally got a hold of her target, whose face she began to pummel relentlessly, so Twilight and I took the opportunity to beat a hasty retreat in the direction of our next 'test subject.'
***
The sounds of splashing and laughter filled the air as several townsponies took advantage of the cool water. Most of them bowed to Twilight and I, but we quickly told them to stop, which they didn't. It was only after I tossed a pony into the swimming hole did they realise we wanted them to have fun.
Applejack was lying on the grass, taking in the sunshine, and Apple Bloom was sailing on the Good Ship Macintosh — which was otherwise known as Big Macintosh doing backstrokes around the lake with his little sister sitting on his chest.
"Hi, Applejack," Twilight said. "Enjoying the sunshine?"
"I sure am," Applejack responded. "Though I reckon the heat is gettin' ta me." She sat up, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I coulda swore I heard John screamin' like a filly earlier, but I can't imagine why." She waved a forehoof dismissively. "Meh, ain't nothin' I need to worry about. So, what can I do for y'all?"
"Perhaps we can help each other," Twilight replied. "You need a drink, and I happen to have one I'm experimenting with. So if I give you a drink of this stuff—" she held up the bottle, "— could you let me observe what effect, if any, it has on you?"
Applejack eyed the bottle warily. "Uh... sure thing, Twi," she said. "I guess I can do this fer ya." She took a hesitant sip. "But if somethin' happens ta me, I'm gonna kill you."
She took another sip and passed the bottle to me. I looked around for a moment and took a quick sip myself, relishing the god-like flavour washing over my tongue before Twilight snatched the bottle from me and slapped me on the arse with a wing.
"Killjoy," I teased, sticking my tongue out.
Twilight ignored me, instead focusing on Applejack. Nothing appeared to be off with her — until we noticed that she appeared to be half-asleep. Twilight cautiously approached and poked her gently with a forehoof, which Applejack batted away with one of hers.
"Get lost," she snapped. "I'm tryin' ta sleep."
John came back – complete with a black eye, many bruises and tissue paper lodged in once nostril – and stood over his wife.
"Come on, AJ," he said. "Let's go for a swim so I can clean myself up." He glared at us. "Dash told me what you two are doing, and I can't say that I'm impressed."
"Not now, sugarcube." Applejack yawned. "Just five more minutes."
"Really?" John scratched his head. "Well... if you're bored, we can always go home and make a start on harvesting the south field. I know how much you like to work."
Applejack scoffed. "Workin' is fer losers," she replied. "I'd much rather stay here an' drink mahself silly."
John's jaw dropped in shock, but it didn't take long for him to realise what the big deal was — at which point, he turned on Twilight and I. "You gave her Irn Bru, didn't you?" he demanded, to which we nodded. "For fuck sake, guys, are you out of your minds?! Whatever goes into that stuff isn't even available here, so who knows what effects the ingredients will have on ponies?" He poked me sharply in the chest. "You of all people should have had more sense. I know Irn Bru is fucking awesome, but that doesn't give you the right to try and introduce an unknown substance to a society that doesn't have any understanding of—"
"John," Applejack's voice interrupted his little tirade. "What in tarnation are you doin'? We've gotta get back ta the farm, an' you're standin' there havin' a conversation. Quit bein' lazy, and get yer butt in gear, ya hear me?" She didn't even question his various injuries — something which made me figure that he gets hurt so often, she's come to accept it with good grace.
John looked at Applejack, then at Twilight, and then at me. I simply shrugged, so he let out a sigh and walked over to where Big Mac and Apple Bloom were packing up. Applejack watched him go, then tipped her hat to us and left.
"Well, then," I said. "I guess that answers that question — Irn Bru gives Applejack a work allergy." Twilight joined me in a bit of hearty laughter. "All right, let's go find Pinkie."
I put my arm around Twilight's shoulders and we walked away, passing Rainbow Dash snoring in a tree as we left the park.
***
Instead of us finding Pinkie, it was the other way around. She leapt out of a bush as we approached Sugarcube Corner, wrapping herself around my legs like she had done the night I went to my welcome party. Beaming from ear to ear, she looked up at me and climbed up my body so she could look into my eyes.
"Word on the street is that you two are doing an experiment," she chirped. "And that you were coming to find me, to see if I wanted to take part." She paused for a fraction of a second. "Which, by the way, I totally do! Now gimme that bottle!"
Before we could react, Pinkie had grabbed the bottle from Twilight's grasp and – to our considerable shock – finished off the remainder of the contents in a single gulp.
She tossed the bottle into a trash can – which was nearly fifty feet away – then belched with such force, windows rattled in their frames. "Mmm!" Pinkie licked her lips. "That was delicious!"
Without warning, she began vibrating. Twilight and I took a step back, but Pinkie thought it was funny and began giggling. But then she stopped and stood completely still.
Her eyes widened, and I could swear that I saw stars. She slowly looked around, a single "Whhooooaaaaaaaa..." being the only thing she uttered. Twilight licked her lips nervously.
"Uh, Pinkie?" she asked. "Are you all right?"
"The infinite of the cosmos has been laid out before me," Pinkie replied. "I can see into forever, and count unto infinite..."
"Oh, great." Twilight groaned. "The Irn Bru has heightened her Pinkie sense to super-pony levels."
"I HAVE SEEN THE COMING OF THE APOCALYPSE," Pinkie's voice boomed across Ponyville. "THE END OF THE WORLD SHALL BE BATHED IN RED AND BLACK BY WINGED ABOMINATIONS FROM THE FIERY PITS OF THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF TARTARUS."
"What is she going on about now?" Twilight growled. "Honestly, I thought I was done trying to understand 'Pinkie Sense.'"
"BUT THE WINGED CREATURES ARE ONLY THE BEGINNING," Pinkie continued. "FOR THEY SHALL BE FOLLOWED BY THE DREADED 'DISLESTIA' AND 'FLASHLIGHT,' THE TWO MOST EVIL SHIPS IN EXISTENCE. QUIVER IN YOUR HORSESHOES, MORTALS, FOR THERE IS NO ESCAPE — THERE IS ONLY... BAD FANFIC."
She belched again, much louder than before, and fell onto her back. She shook her head and sat up, the friendly smile returning to her face as she trotted over to Twilight and I.
"That was a nice drink, Twilight," she said. "Any chance I could get some more?"
"NO!" Twilight and I replied in unison.
"Aww, ponyfeathers," Pinkie whined. "Why not?"
I floundered for a moment as I tried to find the right words. "Because that was the only bottle," I said finally. "And you just drank it all. Sorry, Pinkie, but that's it."
Pinkie shrugged. "Oh, well," she said. "I guess I'll just have to go and get some more." She started to trot away.
"'Get some more?'" Twilight parroted. "And how, pray tell, do you plan on doing that?"
Pinkie giggled. "I'll just use the teleporter Acey built for me, silly!"
She broke into a canter, and then a gallop, as she raced towards Sugarcube Corner, leaving Twilight and I to slowly look at each other and once again speak in unison.
"Aw, fuck."
Author's Note
And there we have it.
I enjoyed writing this, and would like to thank HB_DS2013 for one, commissioning it in the first place and two, being so patient while I wrote it.
Now, how many of you understood what Pinkie was talking about? 