Prologue: Transportation and Transformation
The Crystal Empire was a very self-sufficient territory of the diarchist nation of Equestria. Tourism, exports, and other variables and coefficients exploded to new heights. T.F.R. (total fertility rate) was at an acceptable level for a country, what with everypony knowing when and when not to have foals. Culture flourished and spread, mostly due to Pinkie Pie's obsession over flugelhorns.
Yeah.
Politics mumbo-jumbo.
Economic bullshit.
A whole lot of the stuff that made the current leader of this province, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza ('Cadence' was preferred, and only her hubbie, sister-in-law, aunties, and extremely close friend could call her 'Cady'), slumped over her bed with complete and utter boredom, a hoof placed under the chin of her bemused face. Every few seconds, an impatiently sad sigh escaped from her lips.
How did everypony I know suddenly decide to have "urgent business to attend to" at the exact same time?! Cadence thought with exasperation.
Indeed, everypony was gone.
Cadence's husband, Shining Armor (or 'Shiny', as she sometimes liked to playfully call him despite complaints as to otherwise), was off in the Griffin Lands, fighting off defects from their more peaceful new leader. Many assassination attempts had failed, thanks to their new leader's unnerving prowess in the way of the sword. He was so good, the defects decided that they wanted to attack Equestria instead. Just thinking of the situation made Cadence shudder involuntarily.
Her recently created sister-in-law (and most favorite filly to foalsit for ever in her meager one hundred years of living), Princess Twilight Sparkle the Alicorn Archmage, was also away, but this time she was busy with her friends, dealing with Tirek way, way, WAY down in the deeper bowels of Tartarus. They were bringing the fight to him, as he was creating an army from the creatures there. Would he ever stop? Would he ever die? Cadence had no idea.
Auntie Tia and Auntie Lulu (they insisted that she call them that for reasons unbeknownst to Cadence) were always busy dealing with the petty squabbles amongst the bureaucrats. They were constantly begging for money to fund insignificant projects like hoofball stadiums or demolishing the Pony Joe's Doughnut Shop to make way for an expensive winery. It was more annoying than Discord before his reformation.
And then there was Cadence's secret. A secret so vast in its need for secrecy that, should it leak out, there was a very good chance it could leave the both of the ponies involved dead, or worse. Far, far worse.
Princess Cadence was in love with Queen Chrysalis, Ruler of the Changeling Commonwealth. And it was thanks to Cadence that it was a commonwealth, and not the dictatorship from centuries previous.
About two years ago, Chrysalis had finally decided to let go of her pride and sneaked into The Crystal Empire alone at the dead of night. Once at the palace she had found Cadence and, on hoof and knee, begged her for forgiveness and some love. Cadence, ever the sympathetic one, assisted Chrysalis in her plight. Over those two years, much dark chocolate flavored love was shared during the short span of an hour in which they met. Secrets were made, kept, and revealed. A relationship was formed.
Unfortunately their monthly meeting was today, but it was a long twelve hours away, and even if it was, it would be outside of the Empire's boundaries, where ever changing Changeling security matters made it damn near impossible to get inside the palace.
Thus, we have a bored, sad, and more than a little bit disgruntled, Princess Cadence on her bed, feeling all of these.
What can I do?
There came a knock at the door.
"Come in," Cadence sighed.
"Hello, Cady," said a two-toned, all too familiar voice.
Cadence turned to stare wide-eyed at what anypony would normally assume was a run-of-the-mill, blue-gray citizen of the Crystal Empire. To a trained eye, however, the eyes of this "mare" just screamed "magic" Those... alluring emerald eyes that sparkled as they took you in when you gazed within their depths. Eyes whose powers didn't work on cadence but, to her, were beautiful all the same. Eyes whose presence in Cadence's chambers stunned the princess.
"Chrissie... WHY THE BUCK DID YOU COME NOW?! Our meeting isn't for another twelve hours! You're risking everything by coming here. What were you thinking?"
Hurt, the mare cringed away. "But... but don't you remember what day today is, Cady?"
"Whatever do you mean, Chryssie? It's November the fifth. Why does it matter?"
Queen Chrysalis' maid form wore a bemused expression. "You don't know?"
"Yeah!" Cadence was indignant now.
Chrysalis started to sultrily saunter over to Cadence's bed, a Cheshire Cat grin spreading across her muzzle. "'Remember, remember, the fifth of November, and all through Canterlot; I know of no reason why our new princess' birthday should ever be forgot.'" At this, Cadence's eyes widened in realization and joy. Chrysalis sighed happily. "I mean, everypony is there. Shining Armor, Discord, Luna, Celestia, and The Elements of Harmony all pitched in to bake the now extremely tall cake. I'll have to admit that it's very fun watching Discord, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie argue over the decorations, but-oof!" Chrysalis was suddenly interrupted by a chitin-crushing hug from Cadence.
"It's my birthday! I completely forgot! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for coming! You wouldn't believe how grateful I am!" Cadence hopped up and down like a giggle of Pinkie Pies in her excitement, making Chrysalis slightly nauseous. Eventually, she was set down, wobbling away the effects of the shaking and bouncing, while Cadence grinned like The Mad Hatter.
When she had recovered, Chrysalis' maid form shook herself. "Let's go get some cake, shall we?" She started to walk off, but stopped when she noticed that Cadence hadn't moved, and was instead staring at her intently. "What's wrong, Cady?"
"... Who was the maid?"
Chrysalis did not expect that question. "What?"
"Who was the maid?" She sounded more serious than ever.
"Don't you remember me telling you about the new form I've been crafting to be able to see you more, two meetings ago?"
Now that Cadence thought about it, she did remember her Chryssie saying that, and she promptly facehoofed herself for good measure. "Damn it. I'm so sorry. You're right, and I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?"
Chrysalis had half a mind to say 'no', and then promptly storm out in a huff, but a quick magical scan told her that Cadence was being completely honest in her apology. She smiled. "Sure!"
They beamed at each other, then walked hoof-in-hoof down to the lower floors of the Crystal Castle. There came sounds of conversation from up the stairs when they had almost reached the end of another flight, but then somepony whispered, “Girls, I think I hear that maid bringing her down. Quick, hide!” There was a scuffle, some scraping, the distinct sound of wheels badly in need of oil rolling across the floor, the sound of a match igniting, some more scuffling, and then silence.
Chrysalis and Cadence exchanged worried glances. Gingerly, they finished climbing down the last few sets of stairs and looked upon an empty room. Well, empty, that is, apart from a suspicious-looking cannon with a blue barrel and flowers on its wheels and a lit wick that had very nearly burnt itself out. Chrysalis recognized the weapon, and Cadence had put two and two together. They both grabbed each other protectively, shouted, “Duck!” and promptly did so just milliseconds before the cannon exploded with a kazoo-like noise as confetti, crepe paper, streamers, and other party supplies settled neatly onto tables.
Then, as one, Princess Celestia , Princess Luna, Discord, Prince Shining Armor (Cadence’s adorkable hubbie, military captain, and tabletop gamer), Princess Twilight Sparkle the Alicorn Archmage, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy emerged from various hiding spots from around the throne room. Apart from Fluttershy, who murmured a quiet, but happy, “Yay,” everypony shouted, “SURPRISE!” Then, as they started singing the infamous Happy Birthday Song, Pinkie Pie rolled in a ten layer cake that was taller than Discord, who (according to the author’s self-drawn conclusions) is roughly twelve feet tall. Somehow, five hundred candles made themselves comfortable along the layers of cake.
“This cake is kinda like the Cake’s cake: ‘The Marzipan Mascarpone Madness’! MMM! But this cake is cakier. Ooh! Cakier! That’s a fun word.” While Pinkie Pie kept babbling on, Cadence’s eyes were all for the great majesty of the cake itself.
Each layer was one and a half feet thick, and its contributor's name was written in large, friendly letters on its cover. Fluttershy's layer was the most easily recognizable, being that it was just as small, canary yellow, and timid looking. Cadence laughed internally, thinking, The poor mare. She needs somepony to watch over her. Thank Faust that it's Discord that's there for her, and not that demonic little rabbit.
After all of the gift receiving, saluting those about to rock, dancing with herself, all of that jazz music in the background, all of the noise, noise, NOISE, and eating the cake (somehow, Cadence's assumption that Discord's layer would be Pineapple Upside-down Cake came true), Chrysalis and Cadence excused themselves to discuss a topic that had been on their minds since six meetings ago.
Revealing that Chrysalis, through much assistance with Cadence, had regrown her heart.
Revealing that this heart could sustain Chrysalis' love needs perfectly, and was aimed towards Cadence.
Revealing that Cadence's feelings on this were just as passionate as Chrysalis'.
And how to explain all of the above without getting a divorce, banished, and even executed for high treason? They had no idea.
"Wouldn't it be simpler just to not tell them, Chryssie? After all, you got in so easily. Your 'most trusted advisor' ruse is so perfect! Ugh!" She banged her head against the closet wall softly in frustration. "How the buck did I get myself into this?"
"The both of us feeling particularly alone and depressed, and singing about that very subject in the more remote areas of the Crystal Gardens? The both of us bumping into each other mid-lyric , arguing with each other, begging for forgiveness, and reconciling? The five long years of happiness, love, and secret meetings that followed? What could possibly be wrong with what we've had together that deserves that reaction?" Chrysalis asked all of these questions with the gentleness of Fluttershy.
Cadence sighed. "I just... I just... I don't want to lose you!" She started to softly sob into Chrysalis' shoulder.
Chrysalis looked down at Cadence and smiled sadly. "I know, Cady. I know." She placed her hoof under her lover's chin, looking her directly in the eyes with all the seriousness of a certain twelve-hundred-year-old stallion. "Just remember; every rose has its thorn, every day has its dawn, and every cowpony has his sad, sad song. And while all of this may indeed be true, I will love you until my last breath escapes my withering lungs. I would gallop a thousand miles, and I would gallop a thousand more, just for you."
And with that, they kissed.
So passionate was this kiss, this kiss, that this kiss was number one on Cadence's list of the best damn kisses she had ever received in all of her five hundred years... for now.... At the moment, however, Chrysalis kissed deeper, and Cadence pushed back. To Cadence, this was better than one of Rarity's ponysally designed, pink diamond-tipped mane brushes, better than an embrace from one of Twilight's new wings, and was even better than 'Applejack's Apple Family Applejack Beer; What it says on the Tin: Apple Cider, Southern Comfort, and a touch of Jaeger!'
The love shared was so vast in its sweet intoxication that they barely noticed as two things happened at once. First, Chrysalis phased to her normal form without her knowledge, an uncontrollable impulse from her subconscious telling her, "Yes, yes, oh Gods, yes!"
And the second thing that happened was that Discord happened to be opening the closet door in order to check on the mare of the hour, and saw the both of them kissing like a nuclear bomb had just gone off in the distance, and the wall of fire, air, and radiation was almost upon them.
Chrysalis looked up as the door creaked open, confused. "Hello, Di-" she was about to say, then gasped at the sound of her voice. Lifting a hole-filled hoof, she examined it. "Shit," she muttered, eyebrows furrowed in mild annoyance. "My cover is blown." She turned to a shell shocked Cadence. "I'll miss you, my love." Kissing her quickly on the cheek, Chrysalis turned to face Discord, glaring ferociously. "Do what you want, but DO NOT hurt my Cady!"
Discord was, for the moment, petrified at the sight of her.
Celestia trotted forward. "Discord, what's wr-"
Then she saw Chrysalis.
To even say that she was wrathful would be a severe understatement. "What the buck are you doing here?! Twilight, scan my niece for any possible spells this... spawn of Tartarus itself," she spat, "may have placed upon her. Thoroughly, meticulously, painstakingly even! NOW!"
Chrysalis was dragged away by a furious Celestia, while Cadence was dragged away by a confused Princess Luna. Both were tied down separate from each other. Both were vigorously interrogated. Only Cadence, however was the one that went through the third worst torture in the multiverse; spell scanning.
When being scanned for any spells a creature able to use magic might use, one must first place a magic inhibition ring on the subject's horn, which feels as if a vacuum was placed in your head. If the subject has wings, tie them down. Finally, strap the subject down to the floor using thick, heavy metal chains.
And then there's the actual scanning.
The sensation is similar to that of molten tungsten into one's skeletal system, then cooled and used as a lightning rod. Not a very fun experience to have happen to you, and there were thousands of spells to scan for!
Then there were the emotional torture of everypony, especially Shiny, ask her painful, provocative questions that she was unable to answer due to the agony of the spell checks.
The second worst torture in the multiverse, however, is having your pimples popped, and the worst torture in the multiverse is having a Vogon read poetry to you.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Queen Chrysalis was being interrogated. It hurt her to see her Cady tortured so. She tried explaining this to Celestia and the one who toyed with her feelings until they broke oh so many years ago, but she would hear none of it. Her rapid-fire, penetrating questions ran her through like a laser, leaving her with less than nothing. Discord was still trying to assess the situation. Chrysalis snorted contemptuously, with an added dash of derisiveness on the side. He was the one who hurt her back then, yet Discord was acting as if he still had a fleeting glimpse of feeling for her. Yeah, right. Still, her lovely Cady had taught her to give peace a chance, so give peace a chance she did.
"Do you really love her, Chrysalis?" asked Celestia sardonically. "Then again, Changelings only feast upon love, since they don't have a heart!"
"I had one once!" Chrysalis was angry now. She turned towards Discord, pointing an accusing hoof at him. "But you tore it out during that battle of yours! I tried to reason with you, but nooooooooo. You had to literally tear my heart out!"
"Seriously?! I hurt you? No, you hurt me! I remember no such battle, and when my head was cleared by Fluttershy, you never answered any of my letters, and you kicked me out of what was left of your home! You never explained JACK to me!" He suddenly flew up to the ceiling, shouting angrily. "You're in the wrong, Chryssie! You!" In his hands, a large orb of fudge-scented chaos energy formed in his right paw. "And you shall perish!"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Cadence had heard the argument, and something within her exploded like the Houses of Parliament at the sight. Her strength being worth ten times that of her husband, she snapped the bonds that held her down with ease. When Shining armor rushed to stop her, she bucked him right through a plate glass window, dislodging a smiley face pin he had on, and he fell long and hard onto the cobblecrystal pavement. A long shard of glass followed, running through his chest with ease.
When Luna and Twilight stared to charge up their magic, she put inhibition rings on them both and knocked their heads together, barely noticing as they slumped to the ground, out cold.
Then she turned, snorting, and charged her magic as she galloped towards her lover.
As Discord threw the ball, Chrysalis put up a shield, but she couldn't reach Cadence in time before the ball of chaos magic combined with the baby blue ball of love magic on Cadence's horn.
"Cady!"
"Chryssie!"
The explosion that followed rocked the planet.
Chrysalis watched as Cadence was evaporated in front of her, hearing the screams of all those around her. Discord and Celestia had just enough time to kiss each other before they too were enveloped in the blast, their ashes floating away.
The shield was beginning to become difficult to hold together.
"I'll be joining you soon, Cady," she murmured, sobbing dryly, and let the chaos magic envelop her.
Her ashes were blown away, mingling with those of her lover, the Two Sisters, Discord, and the Elements of Harmony, becoming nothing but dust in the wind on a dark desert highway in Margaritaville.
And in Margaritaville, not only am I searching for my lost shaker of salt, but the wheels on the bus keep on turning it inside out!
...
I really ought to end this chapter, shouldn't I?
...
Yeah, I thought so.
