Chapters This is a spinoff of my story, A Dream . It's not required reading.
Wet Dreams
“Wake up, Valiant.”
“Screw you, Twilight," I replied.
She sighed. “I’ve got a letter from the Princess. I think you’ll want to hear this.”
"All right, fine." I climbed out of bed. Or rather, shuffled myself off of the couch located on the ground floor of the library. Twilight, my purple unicorn roommate, stood there holding a letter in the glow of her magic. She began reading.
Dear Twilight,
Since the incident with the Changelings is now over, Equestria appears to be entering a period of relative calm. There is little need for the Elements of Harmony in such peaceful times, so I’d like to ask you and the other Element Bearers to embark on a trip around the globe to spread friendship from Equestria to all nations. Please meet me in Canterlot for futher details.
You might as well invite Valiant along since we both know he would find a way to attach himself to the project anyway.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
“She knows me too well,” I said.
Twilight gave me an annoyed look. “Just don’t cause any trouble, all right? While you were asleep, I got us tickets on the next train.”
“Boring. I could fly us there.”
“This is not the time for one of your crazy contraptions, Valiant.”
“Hey now, I thought we’d agreed that I'm not crazy, just from another universe.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. She seemed to do that every time I reminded her of the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be a pony. “We should be going if we’re going to catch the train,” she said.
We found Spike, Twilight’s young dragon assistant, and headed for the train station.
“We’re going on a trip around the world?” said Spike excitedly.
“It sure sounds that way,” confirmed Twilight. “I can’t wait! There will be so much to explore! So much to learn!”
“And if we find any unclaimed territory, that would be pretty cool, too,” I said.
“I don’t know if we’ll do that,” she said.
“What, you’ve never had a primal urge to run up on some beach, plant a flag and shout, ‘first’?”
Twilight shook her head and did not respond.
I glanced around as we walked. Ponyville was nice this time of year, I supposed. When I was new in town, I got a lot of looks. None of the residents had ever seen a hood ornament cutie mark before.
These days, they mostly left me alone. Twilight once told me that about half the town thought I was a harmless lunatic and the rest assumed that I was an out-of-work mad scientist. With the steam powered robots I had built, I would have thought the distinction was pretty clear-cut.
At the station, a pony named Applejack waited for us. She was a more mellow shade of orange than I, and had a straight blonde mane that contrasted with my unkempt black. She also talked like a hick, but that was okay. Some of my best friends from Earth were rednecks.
Next to show up was Rainbow Dash, a multicolored pegasus. I’d had a long-running grudge against her, mostly because I thought she was a bitch.
With her was Pinkie Pie, whose name fit her perfectly. She was pink and liked to bake, sometimes even pies. She was also a lesbian, but had sworn me to secrecy.
After Pinkie came Fluttershy. She was usually as easy to push around as a falling leaf, but her pale yellow coat and pink mane concealed the fact that she was capable of violence when it suited her.
Last to arrive, as usual, was Rarity, the local fashion expert. Her blue-purple mane was elegantly styled, and her white coat was perfectly groomed. She’d probably spent two hours that morning making it so.
Twilight gave a little motivational speech and we got on the train. I went back to sleep, waking up in Canterlot later. I discovered that I was hoofcuffed to my seat.
“Well, that’s unusual,” I said, or more profane words to that effect. The rest of the ponies had gotten off and I was alone in the train car.
I looked out the window and saw Rainbow and Pinkie waving to me. I sighed. This must be one of their pranks. The sad part was, it wasn't the worst thing they had ever done.
The train attendant came by. “It looks like you’re in a little bit of a predicament.”
“You might say that,” I agreed.
“That’ll be fifteen bits for the trip to Manehattan,” he said.
“Bite me.”
Well, that was one way to get out of the cuffs. I was thrown off the train before it left the city limits.
I got to my hooves and dusted myself off. While I didn’t want to miss an audience with the Princess, I acknowledged the fact that it would probably turn into a political argument. This whole deity-ruler thing needed to be replaced by a nice warm helping of democracy, but nobody would listen to me. We'd been down this road before and it usually ended with me locked in a dungeon. Getting stuck on the train was probably a good thing.
For a dictator, Celestia was pretty cool, though. They didn't have the internet in Equestria, but I knew a fellow troll when I met one.
After being thrown off the train, I didn't know where exactly I had ended up. Luckily the castle was the tallest building in the city so I had no problem finding my way there. I got distracted by the donut shop across the street, though, and that’s where Twilight and the others found me later.
“What did I miss?” I asked.
“First off, we’ll be aboard a ship,” said Twilight. “The Princess provided us with one.”
“Oh my God, an around-the-world cruise? This is amazing.” I clapped my hooves together with joy.
“We all have a list of jobs to do,” said Twilight. “Rarity with her cloth experience will be in charge of the sails and rigging.”
“Wait,” I interrupted. “This is a sail boat? You’ve got steam trains, why not steam ships?”
“We'll be traveling in unknown territory and we don’t know where we could get more fuel. A sailboat doesn’t need any," she said.
Twilight examined a list and went on. “Applejack will be doing carpentry and deck work. Pinkie will be the cook. Fluttershy will act as the doctor. Rainbow will be the lookout. Spike is in charge of communications.” She finished, “And I’m doing both science and diplomacy.”
“What about me?” I asked.
“Shall we tell him?” said Rarity.
“Yes, we should,” said Twilight. “The fact is, Valiant, you aren’t really qualified for anything else."
"I could be the Awesomeness Officer."
"Got it covered," said Rainbow.
I glared at her. "You know very well that my brand of awesome is less flashy but a lot more useful than yours."
The multicolored pegasus shrugged. Twilight said, "Valiant, your job will pretty much be to steer the ship in a straight line.”
“So I’m basically the Captain here?”
“I wouldn’t say that,” said Twilight.
“But you told me that the rest of you have specialized jobs.”
They looked at each other. Twilight sighed. “Fine, you’re the Captain.”
“Awesome!” I frowned. “Wait, my pet bird is already named Captain. I guess that means I’m…a Commodore. Yeah, I like the sound of that.”
“What about Admiral?” asked Applejack.
“I’m too modest to promote myself to Admiral. At least not until we get another couple of ships to sail in our fleet.”
“Yeah, modest,” said Twilight. “Anyway, the ship is waiting for us in the Fillydelphia Naval Yard. Once we get there, it’s all ours.”
We made a trip back to Ponyville to collect our belongings. I figured that since we were going to be gone for so long, I had probably better take my bird with me. Back when Rainbow was looking for a pet, she'd gathered a whole crowd of animals. I'd adopted the falcon. While Captain was not much good for anything, I looked pretty badass with him perched on my shoulder.
I also took along a selection of parts and gadgets from my collection. The various devices and vehicles that I'd assembled had awed and alarmed the townsfolk, and they seemed to be glad that I was leaving for a while.
Once we got to the Fillydelphia Naval Yard, a sailor showed us to where the ship was docked. I hadn’t counted on it being so…crappy.
I had no idea why Equestria even needed a navy, but the sailor pony told me they had a long, proud history. I decided that this was either their very first ship, or one that had been wrecked a couple of times.
When I asked what the name of the shambling pile of timbers was, the sailor shrugged. “Nopony knows. It’s been moored there as long as any of us can remember."
I had my doubts that the ship was salvageable. My proposal of "put it out of its misery" was rejected, however.
Twilight was somewhat more optimistic. “It’s a chance to really get to know the vessel. While we repair it, we’ll come to intimately know how it works and become more in harmony with its quirks.”
“You’ve been reading too many ‘period’ romance novels,” I said.
“Well, none of us know anything about sailing,” Rarity pointed out. “This gives us more time to learn.”
“Nothing about sailing? Not one single thing?” I stared at them all. “I know Celestia trusts you and all of you really want to go on this voyage, but if we set sail on this rickety thing without any experience we’re all going to die.”
“Afraid of water, huh?” said Applejack. “It’s all right, Valiant, you can admit it.”
“That’s not what I said!”
“Nopony as awesome as me would let anything bad happen,” said Rainbow.
“Statistically, there is a small increase in the percentage of injuries while on a ship,” said Fluttershy quietly.
“Is that bad?” asked Spike.
“Everything is all right! We’ll have a ship-fixing party!” shouted Pinkie. “The whole Navy Yard is invited!”
Well, at least the influx of shipyard workers got the hard work done for us. When they left that night, filled with cake and punch, only some minor painting and finish work was left to do. It would probably take the six mares, Spike, and I another day to complete everything.
“This is so exciting! I can’t wait!” said Twilight. I really wished she’d shut up so I could sleep.
“Let’s see...okay! I’ve finished making the checklist for tomorrow.”
“What are we going to name this ship?” asked Rarity. “A vessel should have a proper name.”
Twilight thought about it for a minute. “I suppose we should think about that. I’ll pass around a piece of paper to collect suggestions.”
Spike was already tucked in for the night, but the rest of us wrote down our thoughts. When the paper was finished, it read:
Ocean Magic
Strong and True
Awesometastic
Compassion
Diamond Seas
Giggles
America, F**K Yeah
“Uh, maybe we should think about this again tomorow," said Twilight.
Fresh matresses had been laid on the bunks, but everything still smelled like mildew and rot. I got comfortable and closed my eyes. I was suddenly unsure if I really wanted to go on this trip.
In the morning, I woke up to water lapping at the bottom of my bed. I glanced out the porthole, somehow not surprised that the hull had sprung a leak overnight.
"Twilight! This boat sucks!"
Startled by my shout, she jerked awake and fell in the water. I sighed and waded over to help her up.
"I don't understand!" she said. "We did all that work!"
"Just admit defeat and get us a new ship."
"No." Twilight set her jaw in determination. "The Princess gave us this one. I'm going to make her proud."
I facehoofed. It was going to be a long, wet day.
Author note:
With the help of a several unicorns, the ship was lifted clear of the sea and the hole in the bottom was patched. We had to wait a few minutes for all the water to drain out. I kept trying to get Twilight to just abandon the project and find us another means of travel.
“At least name the boat Celestia's sick sense of humor because that’s what got us into this situation,” I said.
Twilight did not reply as she directed the workers in preparing the boat for painting. I didn’t know what they expected to cover with the paint. Decades of rot, probably.
The other ponies were not very enthusiastic at the prospect of spending time on a ship that would have served better as a garbage barge, but they at least were willing to contribute to the repairs. Rainbow, Rarity, and Applejack got the sails strung up. Fluttershy and Pinkie helped with the paint crew.
I sat on the shore, trying to think of a name and/or trying to figure out how to steal one of the sleek Equestrian Navy ships docked nearby. I wasn’t having much luck with either.
Perhaps we could name it Iron Maiden after one of my ex girlfriends.
My attention was distracted when some supply ponies came by with a load of gear to bring onboard. In the middle of the pile was a cannon.
It actually looked to be in pretty decent shape. Intrigued, I walked over and took a closer look.
“I thought this was a science and exploration mission,” said Twilight, who had also seen the cannon.
One of the supply ponies consulted his list. “Cannon, one, to be used for demonstration.”
Twilight nodded. “Oh, I read about that. It’s used for a signal, or for a formal salute.”
“Can it actually shoot?” I asked.
“I don’t see why not,” said the pony. “We weren’t ordered to give you any cannonballs, though. This is just for making noise.”
Twilight thanked him and said that she would be sending a list over later for more supplies. All of them went back to work.
I took over cannon duty. I got it installed on a swiveling mount at the rear deck. It was near the wheel that controlled the rudder. As designated steer-er, I expected that I would be standing there a lot.
I took a trip around the boat. The area below deck was still soggy, but appeared to be drying quickly. I encountered Pinkie, who was fixing lunch.
“Ahoy there!” she said. “I’m working on my ‘sea’ voice, matey! Now I'm a monkey! Eekey leaky loo!”
“Leaky Loo ,” I muttered. “That would be a perfect name for this stinking outhouse. Sinking outhouse, that is.”
I said goodbye to her and wandered outside. The sails had been put up, and more gear was coming aboard. Huh, maybe this trip would get going on time after all.
Twilight found me. “If you’re not doing anything, do you think you could be useful and take this acquisition list over to the warehouse and get the stuff we need?”
I took the piece of paper. “I can do that. You know Twilight, you look tense.”
“I’ve been up since early this morning trying to organize a complete overhaul on this vessel,” she snapped. “It’s not easy.”
“Jeeze," I said. "You really need to loosen up a little. Maybe we should name it The Relation so you could finally be in a relationship."
She flushed slightly and turned away. I walked away to the supply department to aquire the things on the list.
“It’ll take a while to get this stuff,” said the pony I gave it to. “We’ll bring everything over later.”
I went back to the ship and spent the rest of the morning helping Pinkie perfect her hardtack biscuits. Much as I liked them, with that much sugar they would never keep, so I regretfully told her to tone it down a little.
Twilight came through at noon and told us she was treating everyone to lunch for all the hard work. She glared at me while she said the last two words.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m not hungry.”
While they were all gone, the stuff we’d ordered came. I helped carry the eight cutlasses, half a dozen cannons, pile of cannonballs, and spare gunpowder below deck.
Twilight hadn’t ordered any of that stuff, but if she minded, she shouldn’t have left the acquisition list in my care. It was almost like it was her fault.
While I waited for them all to get back, I took stock of my own equipment. My distilling system was accounted for. The set of tools was packed carefully away. All the robot parts were in their place.
“Well Captain,” I said, “It looks like we’re almost ready to go.”
The falcon preened his feathers and did not reply.
I went up to the back deck to load the cannon. Pouring some gunpowder down the muzzle and dropping in a cannonball was easy enough. Once we got out on the ocean, I could set up the others.
After the ponies and Spike returned from lunch, the supply workers brought over more stuff, including food. Most of it was packaged so it would keep for a while. For some reason, there were eighty cans of sauerkraut.
“Oops,” said one of the supply ponies. “I guess that was supposed to be just eight.”
“It’s all right,” I told him. “I’ll eat it.”
“Wow,” said Rainbow. “You actually like sauerkraut? That weird.”
I shrugged. “I like eating some and then breathing on people to watch them squirm.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “You would.”
“You’re a bitch, Twilight.”
“Oh, I like that,” said Pinkie. “We should name the ship that.”
“Let’s not,” said Applejack.
“But we do need a name,” pointed out Rarity.
“We could ask some of the sailors,” suggested Fluttershy. “I’m sure they have plenty of ideas.”
“Celestia’s Posterior !” shouted one of the sea ponies when we asked. There was a chorus of laughter from the crowd.
“Hey, I like this guy,” I said. “I don’t think it’s a very impressive thing to name a ship after, but it’s funny.”
“You don’t think it’s impressive?” asked the pony.
“Silly,” said Pinkie. “Valiant doesn’t think anypony’s posterior is impressive.”
The ship had been made ready for a formal christening ceremony. Everything, somehow, had been put in its place and we were nearly ready to sail. One rope still held it to the dock. Some mixed fruit juice in an ornate bottle had been prepared to smash on the bow. That was the way things were done in Equestria since they didn’t know the wonders of alcohol.
A stiff breeze had come up, which would work to our advantage to push the ship away from the dock when we got ready to go.
I was eating from a can of sauerkraut as I watched the crowd argue over the name of the ship.
“This is getting ridiculous,” said Twilight. Some of the sailors appeared to nearly be coming to blows.
“Do you have a better idea?” I asked.
“Actually, I do. I know what we should call the ship.”
I pointed to the crowd. “Good luck getting their attention.”
She glanced back, spying the cannon.
“I loaded that,” I said helpfully. I didn’t say with what.
“Thanks Valiant.” Twilight made her way to the aft deck. Her horn lit up and the fuse began to sizzle.
When the cannon went off with a thundering explosion, the ball whizzed out of the barrel and smashed through the hull of the Navy ship next to us.
Fluttershy squealed in surprise, recoiling from the noise and knocking the bottle of juice overboard. The crowd went silent, staring at the destruction the cannon had caused.
“We’re going to kill you all!” shouted one of the senior sailors.
“Hey, that’s pretty good,” I said. I poured sauerkraut juice on the bow and said, “I hereby christen thee Equestrian Navy Ship We’re going to kill you all . May God grant us absolutely hilarious misunderstandings with primitive societies.”
Finished with the ceremony, I shouted, “Burn though that rope, Spike!” The dragon nodded, and with a puff of green fire the rope holding the ship to the dock fell away.
I got a hold of the mainsail tiedown and undid it, letting the canvas flap free. The wind pushed the ship away from the dock, just ahead of a crowd of angry sailors. Luckily, most ponies in the Equestrian Navy weren’t pegasi, and they were unable to pursue us.
I ambled to the aft deck where Twilight still stood, looking stunned. Taking hold of the wheel, I smartly snapped the rudder around and got us pointed out to sea.
“What…” Twilight started.
I bumped her shoulder playfully. “You’re in the Navy now.”
Many thanks to Doctor Whooves for the cover art.
The sea breeze was pleasant as we tacked through the wind. Somehow, we’d gotten the sails aligned just right and the boat was sailing beautifully.
I was still unsure why the ship was designated as a naval vessel. While the cannons were currently below deck, the mounts were still there. Maybe the only ship the Princess could spare was from the Equestrian Navy.
At any rate, ENS We’re going to kill you all had turned out to be seaworthy after all. I was sorry that I had doubted it.
“I hate this ship!” said Rainbow.
“It’s boring if there’s only eight of us to have a party,” sulked Pinkie.
“The salt air is simply ruining my mane,” moaned Rarity.
“There’s no apples in the food stocks,” grumbled Applejack.
“Or gems!” cried Spike.
“We might be on the run as criminals for shooting that other ship!” exclaimed Twilight.
“Bleceh,” said Fluttershy, who was seasick.
I sighed. “Am I the only one having a good time?”
“We want to go back!” the all chorused.
“…And face a couple dozen angry sailors?” I asked.
Their faces fell. “Right!” I said. “Onward!”
Once I managed to convince Twilight that it was better to carry on with the mission rather than wimp out and go home, she provided a set of directions for me to steer by. With a compass mounted in front of the wheel, that seemed easy enough.
A couple hours later, I said, “This is boring. I want to go home.”
Twilight facehoofed. “You made it so we couldn’t !”
“Oh, right.”
“They probably want to kill us!”
“Haha, yeah, we even named the ship after that.”
Twilight shook her head. “Wait, what?”
“Didn’t you see me go ahead and perform the christening ceremony? Amid heavy resistance, I might add. I deserve a medal.”
“What did you name it?”
I told her. She facehoofed again.
“We can’t do that!” Twilight cried. “I was going to call it—”
I cut her off. “Too late now.”
“We’ll just rename it.”
My turn to facehoof. “Don’t you know anything about the ways of the sea? It’s bad luck to rename a ship, especially without a formal ceremony shoreside.”
“Where did you hear that?”
“Where didn’t you hear it? I thought you read a lot.”
“Well, there was a book about nautical superstitions that I haven’t gotten to yet,” Twilight said.
“That could be important. Our luck depends on it”
“I don’t believe in luck,” she said.
“But…you do believe in magic?”
She sighed. “Okay, fine.”
“Read that book. Read it now,” I commanded.
I got Applejack to spell me at the wheel for a while, and went to get some paint. With a rope harness, I hung over the railing and painted We’re going to kill you all on both sides of the bow.
That done, I ventured below deck. The galley where Pinkie worked preparing meals was there, as was the sleeping area and a few miscellaneous compartments. One more deck down was the bilge and storage area.
I’d seen Twilight sitting on her bunk with her nose in a book, so I figured she wouldn’t mind if I started hauling the cargo of cannons up to the deck.
It was kind of heavy work, but with the magic of simple machines like pulleys, levers, and inclined planes (not to mention screws!) I was able to get everything topside.
“Ooh! Are those for partying?” asked Pinkie, who for some reason was not in the galley.
“No, they’re for fighting.”
She frowned. “But I prefer parties.”
“Someday, a country will throw a war and nobody will come. Until then,” I patted one of the cannons, “we’re armed and ready.”
“I guess I like being armed and ready, too,” said Pinkie.
I nodded. “And on a completely different subject, go make me a sandwich.”
“Okie dokie loki!” She bounced away.
Two hours later, I had gotten everything in terms of weapons ready to go. I wandered down to the galley.
“The bread is alllllllmost ready,” said Pinkie.
“I asked for a sandwich.”
“Yeah, and bread is part of that, isn’t it?” Pinkie looked thoughtful. “Unless you meant some other kind of sandwich. A hoof sandwich?” She drew back her front leg to slug me in the mouth.
“Ah, no. Besides, assaulting the Commodore will get you twenty lashes.”
She held up a pepper shaker. “But apeppering is okay, right?”
“No. You’re a bad pony and you should feel bad.”
“Aww darn. You know, Valiant, you should really lighten up.”
“Commodore Valiant.”
“Okay!”
I suddenly remembered that I’d left Applejack on steering duty for several hours. When I got up to the aft deck, her hat was pulled low, and she was asleep at the wheel.
“Preposterous!” I roared. “We could be going around in circles for all you know!”
“Huh? Oh.” Applejack yawned. “Nah, Ah never move an inch when Ah fall asleep. This here wheel didn’t turn one bit.”
I checked the compass. It was still pointing in the right direction.
“Oh, well then, carry on.”
I went to see about Rainbow. After receiving no response to my shouts, I climbed all the way up the mast to find her asleep, too.
“You’re the lookout! You’re supposed to look out !”
“No sweat. I can do that with my eyes closed,” she said.
“I seriously doubt that.”
“Well, it’s not like there’s anything to hit out here.”
“What about that coastline over there?” I asked, pointing.
She turned. “Huh? Oh, that wasn't there a minute ago.”
I felt the urge to knock her out of the crow’s nest. Pegasi always landed on their feet, right? I refrained, however, because Twilight called to me.
I climbed down and went over to where she was standing. Her eyes were wide with fear.
“I just finished the book,” she whispered in a terrified voice. “There’s…so much bad luck out there.”
“Did you read that part about how it’s bad luck to have females aboard?”
She nodded.
“Yeah, three-quarters of the crew is made up of mares. We’re pretty much doomed.”
Twilight started to hyperventilate.
I sighed. “Just calm down, okay? There’s a shoreline over there. Why don’t we just pull in for a while and hang out?”
She appeared to calm slightly. “That’s the Griffon Kingdom. It’s one of our scheduled stops.”
“Great, two birds with one stone.”
“The book also said killing a bird is bad luck.”
“What evil looks had I from old and young! Instead of the cross, the Albatross about my neck was hung ."
“Huh?”
“Just some verse about weird neckties. No biggie.”
Twilight shook her head. “Anyway, set course for land.”
I nodded and went back up to the aft deck. Applejack had gone back to sleep. I carefully extricated her from the spokes of the wheel and set her off to the side. She continued to snooze, standing there stiff as a board.
I shook my head. “Weird. Anyway…” I turned the wheel, and the ship turned to face the distant coastline.
“Prepare yourself, land,” I muttered. “Here we come.”
“Here’s your sandwich!” said Pinkie.
We made ready to approach the Griffon Kingdom. Despite the ship’s status as a naval vessel, we did not fly the Equestrian Navy jack, substituting it for the civilian flag. That solved some problems, but created others.
For one, if we were aboard a military ship, were we supposed to act military-like? Could we be taken as hostile by unfriendly nations? Would they accuse us of subterfuge because we used the civvy flag?
Either way, that's why I wanted protection. Twilight threw a fit when she saw the cannons I’d installed.
“They were on the acquisitions paperwork,” I said.
“Who could have possibly put them on there?” she wondered.
I said nothing.
“We need to get these covered up so the griffons don’t think we’re invading!” She found Rarity and the two of them used spare sail material to fashion covers for the weapons. I was okay with that. We didn’t need the cannons getting wet or anything.
We were hailed by a pair of griffons in a rowboat. It seemed that they were sitting there outside the harbor to make sure no undesirables came in. They looked with suspicion at our freshly painted, but still kind of ugly, ship.
“We’re here for a diplomatic mission,” Twilight told them.
“We’re here to spend loads of money,” I said.
Smiling, they invited us in.
We were directed to an empty dock. Twilight and Spike got off to go talk to someone. Somegriffon, I guess. Applejack went to find some find some acceptable produce to buy.
There was no way to refrigerate stuff aboard the primitive ship, so unpreserved food didn’t last long. In other words, it was a good idea to get fresh produce at every opportunity.
Rarity mentioned an exotic sewing shop she was simply dying to check out. Fluttershy was interested in what kinds of animals the griffons had in their city park. Pinkie went looking for a party.
I left Rainbow in charge of the ship. I figured she would probably go to sleep and let some shady characters on board, but at least it wouldn’t technically be my fault.
I walked down the street. Captain Falcon accompanied me, sitting on my shoulder. I looked around for a while, taking in the sights. How do I describe the town in one sentence? How about: Griffons, griffons everywhere. Yeah, that pretty much covers it.
I was accosted by a rough-looking specimen of the species. He looked rather old and weatherbeaten.
“Are ye part of the Equestrian crew that just pulled in?” he asked.
“Part of it? I’m the leader. Commodore Valiant, at your service.”
“Pleasure to meet you, sir. May I ask ye where the ship be headed?”
“Everywhere, pretty much. We’re sailing around the world.”
The griffon seemed impressed. “That’s a voyage, that is. Ye would be wise to keep a lookout for pirates.”
“Are there a lot of them?”
“It’s not the numbers, it’s the ferocity.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. I turned to go.
“One moment,” said the griffon. “What is the name of that vessel you arrived in?”
“We’re going to kill you all .”
He nodded. “Ah, I like it. Have a good day. Fair winds to you.”
I walked away, feeling somewhat confused. The old griffon hadn’t batted an eye at the name of the ship. Also, pirates? How come I’d never heard of them before?
Well, if that was the case, maybe the ship would have to live up to its Navy heritage. I was as anti-pirate as the next pony, except when it came to DRM. Illegal downloads? More like shmillegal shmoundloads! Eh, maybe not. There was a reason the RIAA hadn’t caved under my monstrous wit.
When I got back, Rainbow was asleep as expected. She at least had the good grace to park herself right in front of the gangway to force any would-be intruders to step over her.
“Ouch! What the heck, Valiant?”
“Sorry, didn’t see you there. Did I step on you?”
She was about to retort when Applejack came walking up. “Ah got us a whole load of produce!” The basket she was carrying contained nothing but apples.
Rarity arrived just then, showing off a few large thimbles of thread. “The shop on the corner had this fantastic high-strength stitching!”
Fluttershy walked up, looking happy. “The city park was lovely! There were songbirds and mice, and all sorts of small, cute creatures.”
Captain looked at me. I nodded, and he flew away towards the park.
“Wow, that was some party!” said Pinkie, bouncing along the dock. “These griffons sure know how to have fun! I knew they all couldn’t be as meanie-pants as Gilda.”
I counted heads. “Where’s Twilight and Spike?”
“Maybe the diplomacy ran long,” suggested Rarity.
“Or…they’re prisoners!” said Pinkie.
“Considering that none of the other griffons have attacked us,” I said, “That seems unlikely. Still, let’s go with it.” I dashed below deck and came back up carrying a cutlass.
“Chraaage!” I gurgled around the handle in my mouth. None of them did.
I spit the weapon out. “You guys aren’t with me?”
“Maybe they just got held up,” suggested Applejack.
“We don’t even know where they are,” added Rainbow.
“That doesn’t stop us from ripping shit up until we find them!” I shouted.
“Can we take a vote on this?” asked Rarity.
“That’s not how military leadership works! I say things, and you do them. Right now, I’m going to lead by example, so follow me!” I grabbed up the cutlass again and charged down the gangway. While I didn’t see it, I imagine the rest of them gave a collective shrug and decided to go along with the idea.
We ran around the city for a while. The townsfolk stared at us. I gave them all menacing looks. In a few minutes, I spotted a large stone building that appeared more ornate than anything else, so I headed in that direction.
It turned out to be a castle. Curious guards watched us pass by. I glared at them as if to say Don’t try anything.
Bursting into a conference room, I found Twilight, Spike, and an important-looking griffon engaged in conversation.
“Unhand them!” I shouted, after letting go of the cutlass.
“Um, okay,” said the griffon.
“Valiant, what are you doing?” asked Twilight. “We were just in the middle of a discussion about socio-political effects on world trade and business and the underlying causes for economic unbalance for the same.”
“Save me!” said Spike.
That was good enough for me. I tossed him onto my back and pushed Twilight out the door.
“Stop! That was an important conversation!” she shouted.
“If I couldn’t make it through even the name without getting bored, then it’s not important enough for me.”
After a while, Twilight gave in and started walking by herself. “At least I learned something that you’d be interested in,” she grumbled. “That griffon told me to be wary of pirates.”
“Did he? Bet you’re glad we brought those cannons now.”
She did not reply.
We all got back aboard the ship and untied from the dock. Twilight seemed interested in the things that the others had bought in town.
I gestured to the fresh produce. “Eat up and get your vitamin C. Don’t want to get scurvy.”
“We have vitamin tablets, Valiant. That won’t be a problem.”
Captain returned with a smile on his beak just as the sails were raised to begin the next leg of the trip.
“Point us south, Valiant,” said Twilight. “Next stop, Kangaroo Kingdom.”
“Seriously?” I said. “That’s a name that just invites parodies and fun-poking.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Just sail.”
It was not too long after leaving the griffon port that we spied another ship in the distance.
“Hey Rainbow!” I shouted. “Go check that thing out!”
She sighed and flew away to have a look. I figured it was best to know what we were up against. While even I wasn’t stupid enough to want an unnecessary fight, I sure as heck wanted to be ready if that’s what was required.
I watched through my spyglass as Rainbow circled around the other ship for a bit and came back. “Just a bunch of traders,” she said.
“Maybe we can talk to them,” said Twilight.
“We can use some fruit,” I commented. “Don’t want to get scurvy.”
Twilight rolled her eyes and said nothing.
The ship sailed closer. It did not carry a flag, and the crew was made of mixed species. They looked like a rather motley bunch, but seemed non-threatening. Still, I stayed close to the cannon on the aft deck. I told Spike to get a fireball ready, just in case.
When we were within hailing distance, Twilight called to them. She said we were on a scientific and diplomatic mission. They advised us to steer clear of pirates. That was about the end of the conversation. They sailed away.
“Well, they weren’t very nice,” grumped Pinkie.
“There must be more pirates out here than we thought,” I said.
Twilight frowned. “It troubles me that we hadn’t heard anything about piracy before we came on this trip.”
“Maybe the other sailors can tell we’re inexperienced and they’re just trying to scare us,” said Fluttershy hopefully.
I shrugged. “We can only hope.”
We continued on to the south. A troubling line of clouds appeared on the horizon, drawing slowly closer.
“Hey Rainbow,” I called. “Get rid of that storm.”
She shrugged. “We’re not in Equestria anymore. The ocean is just like Everfree Forest. Nopony controls it.”
“Nobody but Poseidon,” I said, sighing. “I suppose it’s too late to sacrifice someone for the sake of clear weather. Or maybe I’ve got my gods mixed up.”
“Ah don’t like the look of them clouds,” said Applejack.
“We’d better secure the sails,” added Rarity.
The rest of the ponies worked while I continued to steer. The wind was picking up, and we had to get the sails tied up so the excessive breeze wouldn’t tip the ship for a dip. In the water, that is.
“Does anypony else get excited by thunderstorms or is that just me?” asked Pinkie.
“I like them,” I said. “At no other time do you feel quite as alive as when you’re dodging lightning bolts and shit.”
A few raindrops pattered down. “We’d better get below deck,” said Twilight.
“Oh, no problem guys,” I said. “I’ll just stand here in the middle of a thunderstorm."
The purple unicorn looked at me. “I thought you just said you liked that?”
“Yeah, but I don’t especially like getting wet if I can help it.”
Thunder rumbled and the rain picked up. I glanced out over the water at a flash of lightning. When I looked back, the deck was clear, and I was the only one outside.
I muttered a few choice words and set about keeping the ship pointed into the wind. There was no need for us to get too far off track.
Several minutes later, I was still at the wheel. My few choice words had evolved into a constant stream of profanity. I didn’t think we were inside a hurricane, but wouldn’t have been terribly surprised if that turned out to be the case.
I was pretty much convinced that we were going to die.
The hatch to the below deck space opened a crack. “What are you doing?” shouted Twilight. “It’s dangerous out there!”
“No shit! I’m pretty sure our odds of survival are nil, but since we’re on a freaking ship and I can’t run away, I might as well stand here and take it like a man.”
“Are you really sure we’re doomed?” asked Twilight.
I gestured to the storm. “I think the wind’s picking up even more.”
“That’s it?” she demanded. “We’re just going to sit here until the sea kills us?” She put her face in her hooves. “No no no, this can’t be happening! There has to be something we can do!”
“Can’t control it,” I said. “Just luck of the draw. Sometimes you punch mother nature in the face, and sometimes she kicks you in the dick with a terrible storm.”
“But…you can come down and have a party with us while we wait for the inevitable,” said Pinkie.
I thought for a moment. “Yeah, all right.” I let go of the wheel and stepped towards the hatch.
I heard a sudden crack, and looked up to see one of the masts splintering. It loomed large in my vision as it fell towards me.
“Are you okay?” asked a soft voice. Fluttershy, I thought.
I opened my eyes. I was lying flat on my back on deck. The yellow pegasus stood over me, blocking some of the light from the shining sun.
“We lived through the storm?” I asked.
“Ah reckon so,” said Applejack.
“What happened?”
“You had a little accident,” said Twilight.
“Huh.” I sat up. Our boat was damaged, but still floating. The masts and rigging were a mess.
“Ship sighted!” called Rainbow. She zoomed off to have a look.
“Is this a dream?” I asked. “We’re still alive, I’m not in any pain, Rainbow’s doing her job without being asked…”
“We had better get this mess cleaned up,” said Rarity. She began tending to the scattered sails and rigging material.
“I have a ‘Hooray, we survived’ party to plan!” said Pinkie.
While the rest of them worked, I got up. “Where’s my spyglass?” I asked. I found it among the debris.
I put it to my eye and looked in the direction Rainbow had gone.
“That’s weird,” I said. “That ship doesn’t have any sails.”
Rainbow came hurtling back. “I’ve never seen anything like that before!”
Realization hit me. “Oh my God, holy shit, we’ve crossed time and space!”
I frowned. “Or I’m dreaming.”
I heard some vague muttering. I opened my eyes, but didn’t see anything. The sounds I heard appeared to becoming from above me as I lay on my back.
I tried to move, but found myself in some enclosed space.
Calm down, there’s no way they would bury you alive , I thought. But the question remained, where the buck was I?
I felt slowly around. I seemed to be in a box.
Okay, don’t panic…
I panicked.
At some point after I began pleading for salvation, but before I lost control of my waste processing facilities, the planks in front of my face were torn away.
Six ponies and a dragon looked at me with a mixture of shock, surprise, relief, and horror.
“You’re alive?” stuttered Twilight.
“Obviously.” I sat up. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s like you’ve never seen anyone pull a Jesus before.” I looked around. “You put me in a freaking coffin?!”
“Well, we thought you were dead, sugarcube,” said Applejack.
“You didn’t, oh I don’t know, check to make sure ?”
There was an uncomfortable silence.
“Or did you want it to be true so much that you blinded yourself to any other possibility?” I asked suspiciously.
They began vigorously denying the claim, except for Spike, who said, “I wanted you to stay in the coffin, honestly.” He shuddered. “I’m afraid of zombies.”
“Well, it sure doesn’t look like any of you have brains,” I said. “Trying to bury me without first checking to see if I deserved it.” I clambered out of the box and promptly faceplanted into the sand. My coordination was off. Apparently, I still hadn’t recovered from getting squished by the falling mast.
“You need rest,” said Fluttershy.
I moaned, getting a mouthful of sand for my trouble. I slowly rolled over. “How bad is it, doc?”
There was another uncomfortable silence. I was getting tired of those.
“Perhaps we should be getting back to the boat,” said Rarity. Rainbow and Applejack half-carried me back to the shore.
The good ship We’re going to kill you all had somehow come out of the fierce storm with relatively little damage. The hull was scratched from being bound tightly against the rocks, but at least the wood hadn’t been cracked open from being repeatedly slammed against them.
“Any other damage?” I asked.
“We lost a whole tray of cupcakes when a nasty wave washed down the hatch while we were pulling you out from under the mast,” explained Pinkie.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “More importantly, the wave also flooded the medical supply cabinet. The vitamins are ruined.”
“Are we going to get scurvy?” I asked with alarm.
“Don’t worry,” Twilight assured me. “We aren’t far from the Kangaroo Kingdom.”
Working together, the other ponies managed to the broken mast set upright and lashed on well enough to hold it for a while. I lay nearby, this time with a legitimate excuse to skip work. My body felt like it had gone through a meat grinder, and my head was even worse. I wished the still was set up, so I could at least get drunk, but that would take time. At least I still had sauerkraut.
Once everything was ready, we untied from the rocks and rigged the sails. I wondered vaguely about the pirates we kept hearing about. If they were out there, our ship would be an easy, crippled target.
It was lucky, then, that we made landfall in the homeland of the kangaroo later that day. I was still feeling under the weather, so I stayed in my bunk.
Through the porthole, I could see the harbor. Kangaroos look really weird when they’re just walking. Maybe the proper plural is just kangaroo, same with cannon. I don’t care. I failed English.
On deck, above where I lay, I heard a friendly voice approach. The ponies said hello.
“Call me Hopper,” said the voice.
I snorted. Dennis, perhaps?
“It’s real nice to meet you,” said Applejack.
“Well, I’m happy that you’re here,” said Hopper.
At least he didn’t sound like an Aussie. That would have been comically stereotypical.
“We’re going to wrestle some crocodiles!” he said.
I sighed. Stereotype activated.
“That sounds a little dangerous,” said Twilight.
“Oh wait, you aren’t here for the croc tour?” asked Hopper. “Sorry. Say, this boat looks kind of beat up. Didn’t run into any pirates, did you?”
“I’ve been meaning to ask about that,” said Twilight. “Could you tell us more about these pirates?”
“Oh, they’re a terrible scourge, they are. They sail a weatherbeaten ship, and prowl the seven seas. The crew are like demons, or so I’ve heard.”
“Go on,” said Twilight.
“They have mysterious powers. Some can levitate, some are quicker than the eye can see. Others are strong, or crafty. Still more can use magic or throw fire.”
And how is that different from our own crew? I wondered.
Hopper continued. “They say that these pirates are invincible. They can sail through cyclones with nary a hiccup. When they do sink, the ship rises back up again. They’re led by a mysterious skipper. He’s a cruel and unusual cuss, caring little for anyone but himself. He is ruthless, terrifying, and quite possibly insane.”
I started chuckling. The thought that we might have been mistaken for pirates had crossed my mind, but I dismissed it. What I thought was really funny was that we kept hearing these stories, yet no one we talked to had ever actually seen this pirates. Maybe I should get Rarity to make us a skull and crossbones flag.
“What’s that noise?” asked Hopper.
“Oh, that’s the Commodore,” said Pinkie. “He’s sick right now, so he’s below deck.”
“Hopper,” said Twilight, “Do you know how we might get an audience with the King? We have important diplomatic things to discuss.”
“Why sure,” replied the kangaroo. “In fact, come with me. I’ll get you in.”
They all trooped off the boat. That was the last I heard from them for a while, which was good. I hated to admit it, but I needed rest. The whole rising-from-the-dead thing really takes it out of you.
Author note:
The next day, I felt well enough to get out of my rack and walk around a little. There was still something wrong with my head, and after finding a mirror, I learned why. It was deformed.
My initial comparison to my head “getting cracked like a walnut” under the falling mast seemed to have been pretty accurate. I couldn’t manage to get my ears pointed in the same direction, my eyes weren’t even, and somehow, even my nose was crooked.
It was kind of a wonder that I wasn’t dead from brain damage. Good luck keeps you from being a dead duck.
I was okay with my new look, however. I had no need to be pretty, and while I had rarely been propositioned by mares, this would surely keep them at bay now. While I was physically the same species, my mind hadn’t managed to get over the Great Bestiality Divide, and I wasn’t eager to make the jump.
I contemplated the mental image of Evel Knievel building a ramp next to a gap labeled “bestiality” and then jumping a motorcycle over it while having sex with a pony. Goddamnit brain, what is wrong with you?
Twilight came in. “You’re up, I see,” she said. “Would you like to take a walk?”
“Sure.” I went topside and down the gangplank to the pier with her. There was a kangaroo market set up along the shore. They sold about the same stuff that could be found in Ponyville.
A kangaroo with a hat came bouncing up. His headgear was of the bush variety, typically thought of in conjunction with Australia. I hadn’t heard any of the residents of the Kangaroo Kingdom speak like Aussies, though, so I really couldn’t afford to assume that any particular stereotypes were true.
“Hey there Twilight,” said the kangaroo. “Who’s your friend?”
“This is Valiant,” she said.
“Commodore Valiant,” I corrected.
“Hopper,” said the kangaroo, offering a paw. He knew enough about ponies to make a fist so I could brohoof him.
He glanced at my face. “Wow, when Twilight told me yesterday that you weren’t feeling well, I had no idea that you’d gone a few rounds with a crocodile.”
“Can I go a few rounds with one?” I asked.
Hopper laughed. Twilight looked worried.
“We can do that,” he said.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Hell yeah,” I said. “When will this opportunity come again?”
“I wouldn’t exactly call it an opportunity,” Twilight commented.
“What would you call it?” I asked.
She thought for a moment. “Suicide.”
I shrugged. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve got a secret weapon. I’m pretty confident about this. If you don’t rock, don’t fight a croc.”
The Croc Pit, as it was known, was a popular place for the locals to go and have some fun. Such festivities seemed to have a steep mortality rate, which might indicate that the Kangaroo Kingdom did not put much public spending into Arts & Entertainment to keep them otherwise occupied.
I fought to suppress my rage at the lack of government spending. One evil dictatorship at a time , I told myself. While a world tour of democracy would have been pretty cool, I was only one pony. Can’t spread myself too thin if I want to win.
Instead, I channeled my anger into the upcoming fight with a crocodile. Hopper and I picked out a particular croc near the edge of the water. A couple of kangaroos had showed up to watch.
“Um, what’s this secret weapon you were talking about?” Twilight asked me.
“Why do you want to know?”
“I just want to make sure it makes sense and isn’t some crazy scheme.”
“I’m going to hold his mouth shut,” I said matter-of-factly. “Crocodiles supposedly have powerful bites, but have weaker muscles that open their mouths.”
“You’re basing your entire survival on that?” she asked, incredulously.
“I don’t see you fighting a crocodile,” I said. I turned and waded into the water.
As it turns out, holding a croc’s mouth shut is the easy part. The hard part is hanging on while he flips his head around. I probably shouldn’t have picked one that was larger than I was.
“Yeah, ride ‘em cowboy!” whooped Hopper. The gathered crowd shouted encouragement.
When my back legs came unclamped from around the croc’s neck, I knew I had a problem. When my front legs pulled loose of his muzzle, I knew I was in trouble. I got tossed into the air and the croc opened his mouth wide.
When you’re about to be lunch, answer with a punch. Jeeze, Iron Will should be paying me for these lines.
I performed a neat swan dive straight down the crocodile’s throat and smacked his uvula around a little. I had carefully tucked my appendages together to stay inside the teeth, so all he could do was gum me.
It was kind of weird there for a while with the saliva and stuff. Eventually the crocodile, like many of the residents of Ponyville, decided I was too annoying to deal with and spit me out. I landed in a heap at Hopper’s feet.
“How about that?” I said, standing up.
“That was nuts,” he said, laughing. “We should go get banana-nut muffins to celebrate how nuts that was.”
“I’m allergic to nuts,” I said.
“Well, it’s a good thing you’re straight,” he said, slapping me on the shoulder.
In Equestria, I had long ago gotten tired of that joke. Perhaps here I could get everyone to be afraid of telling it. It was the first time that it had been told by a kangaroo, so maybe if I made a strong impression, I could ensure that it was also the last time.
“Twilight, do you have a glove?” I asked.
“What?” she said, clearly confused.
I sighed. “Go kill that croc, take the skin, make some nice crocodile hide leather, stitch a pair of gloves out of it, and give me one so I can slap Hopper’s face and demand satisfaction.”
“Are you challenging me to a duel?” he asked.
“Damn right I am. If I win, you will no longer tell that joke.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” he said, “but all right. Since you challenged me, I’ll decide the terms. How about…boxing? Meet me in the town square at sundown.”
“It’s a deal,” I said. He hopped away.
“Valiant, what did you just do?” demanded Twilight. “If you lose, the Kangaroo Kingdom will think ponies are pushovers! If you win, we’ll look like troublemakers!”
I thought for a moment. “Maybe I should let him win. That would make the kangaroos take me less seriously and make a regime replacement more of a surprise.”
Twilight facehoofed. “Are you seriously considering that?”
I shook my head. “You’re right. Honor comes first. I could never throw a fight.”
“That’s not what I meant!” she called, but I was already on my way back to the ship. I had to get ready.
“Now Ah know you ain’t never done a lick of honest work in your life,” said Applejack, “but as an earth pony, you do have a natural strength advantage going for you.”
“Pfft,” said Rainbow. “You’d be better off as a pegasus with a natural speed advantage.”
“I certainly think that using magic as a unicorn would be best,” said Rarity.
“He isn’t allowed to use magic,” said Twilight. I’d picked her as my second, and she’d reluctantly coordinated the duel with Hopper’s second.
“This is a boxing match,” Twilight continued. “While it’s a very loose definition of ‘boxing’, that’s all it is—a fight with only contact strikes allowed.”
I shuffled back and forth a little and hoofed the air a few times. Twilight watched me critically and sighed, going back to reading a copy of the dueling code. She was probably worrying about how the fight would affect Equestria’s image with the kangaroos.
“Oh, I’m so excited, I’ve never seen a duel before!” said Pinkie. She put a hoof around Fluttershy’s shoulder. “You’ll sit with me in the front row, won’t you, ‘Shy? Maybe we’ll even get blood on us!” She giggled. Fluttershy didn’t.
I glanced at Pinkie, wondering perhaps if I should instead try a quick dye job and pass her off as me. No—honor, dammit. If I was going to be dishonorable about this, I would have just stabbed Hopper as soon as he cracked the joke in the first place.
I may not stand for many things, and sometimes inconsistently at those, but I finish what I start. Yes, even if it is stupid and has international political repercussions.
We showed up in the town square at the appointed time. I was a little surprised at the crowd that had showed up to watch.
“Wow,” said Spike. “I want to be the announcer!” He found a place to stand and began calling the event.
“In this corner, sporting boxing gloves and a grin, we have Hopper!”
The kangaroo crowd cheered.
“And on this side, coated in orange, we have the ugly...the fugly...Valiant!”
Pinkie cheered.
I shot Spike a look for his description of me, although I really couldn’t blame him. It was true.
Hopper’s second gave Spike a list of rules. He read them out loud. “The fight will last until one opponent cannot rise after a ten-count. No weapons are allowed, and no projectiles will be tolerated. This will be a close contest of hard blows. And…fight!”
Hopper bounced a little, smiling at me. He wore boxing gloves on his paws.
“Valiant!” called Twilight. “The gloves are just a ruse! Watch out for his kick!”
“No shit!” I yelled at her. “I’d have to be an idiot to forget that a kangaroo’s back legs are the strongest part of his body!”
I turned back and realized the follies of getting distracted. Hopper was at least nice enough to wait for me to face him again before propping himself up on his tail and kicking hard with both legs.
He hit me square in the chest and I went flying backwards, tumbling end over end. I slammed into a nearby building face first.
The referee hopped over and began counting. It took until three before I stopped seeing stars. He counted six before I sat up. It wasn’t until nine that I was back on my hooves, swaying a little. Hopper made a “come here” gesture.
“Ohmygosh,” said Pinkie. “Your face is back to normal, Valiant!”
“Huh?” I felt my head. She was right.
“You son of a bitch!” I shouted. “You had no right to re-rearrange my face!” I galloped towards him and launched myself at his head. I got a 5-hit combo as he flailed backwards, landing on his back. While he was down, I kicked him in the kangaroo junk.
The crowd went dead quiet. I looked around. Every eye was wide with surprise and every mouth was open with shock.
“What? Nobody said I couldn’t make him stay down for the count.”
I had time to contemplate that statement later after they tied me to a stake in the middle of the croc pit.
“Well, here you are Valiant, talking to yourself in the middle of a swamp filled with a swarm of crocodiles. You dun goofed, boy.”
I sighed. Luckily, I had been lucid the whole time the kangaroos had been dealing with me. They didn’t touch my junk, so I guess they weren’t big on the whole “eye for an eye” thing. They were pretty good at the creative revenge, though. I never saw this coming.
The rope that bound me to the post in the middle of the croc pit was pretty tight. It had been applied with extreme prejudice. I thought that was illegal, but then, this was the Kangaroo Kingdom. They had kangaroo courts, you see.
I glanced around, watching the crocs circling closer. I tried to stay still in the hopes that they only responded to movement. It gave me a little time to pray.
“Dear God, sup? Yeah, I know I’m terrible with this kind of thing. I’d make you a promise about being good for the rest of my life if you get me out of this, but I think we both know I wouldn’t keep it. At least I'm honest right? Ahahahaha...it kind of sucks to be me right now. Anyway, if you’re feeling generous, could you possibly send Steve Irwin my way?”
I glanced around again. There was no deus ex machina in sight.
Well, it looked like I was going to have to deal with things myself. Again . I may be trussed up like a Christmas roast, but how often do you get the chance to say that you got eaten alive by crocs? Never mind, I’d have time to contemplate the metaphysical ramifications of that statement later.
Crocs don’t like it when you kick their noses with sharp hooves. I amused myself with that for a little while. I had to amuse myself, because they sure as hell weren’t. Crocodiles aren’t much for “dinner and a show”.
Maybe the Crocodile Hunter really was watching over me, because at some point a croc lunged for me, missed, and got the ropes instead.
“Ha ha, suckers!” I shouted as I sprinted over their scaly backs. I dodged a few open mouths and made it to shore.
I flopped down, panting hard. I’d often wondered if ponies were especially lucky, what with the horseshoes and all. I decided that if I ever met a leprechaun, I would ask.
That’s when I suddenly realized crocodiles could walk on land, too.
Several minutes later, I was beating my hooves against the hatch that led below deck aboard the good ship We’re going to kill you all .
“Guys? Hello!" I gasped. "It’s me, Valiant. We’ve got a serious problem. Just thought I would let you know so we can get the buck out of here before things go really, really wrong.”
I got no answer. I tried the hatch again, finding locked just like before.
I sat back. “Where is everyone?”
The sound of many hops came thundering through the town. I looked up and saw a huge group of uniform-wearing natives coming towards me.
I sighed. Just one of those days where you fight for your life against crocodiles only to fall into the clutches of a kangaroo army.
The group of them crowded around the ship. One kangaroo wearing more decoration than the rest stepped forward.
“You’re going to surrender and come with us,” he said.
“Who are you?”
“This is the Royal Hopping Infantry. I’m Captain—”
I cut him off. “You’re a Captain?”
“Right.”
“Captain Kangaroo?”
He rolled his eyes. “I guess that’s technically correct.”
“That’s amazing. Anyway, let me tell you this really great joke to stall for time—”
This time, he cut me off. “Sorry, you’re coming with us right now.”
“Listen, I’m flattered that the King would send the whole army after little ‘ol me.”
“This is just two platoons,” said the kangaroo.
I shrugged. “Still, you might have a bigger problem coming your way very soon.”
The Captain’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean by that?”
“Well, all the crocodiles kind of followed me out of the croc pit. They can’t keep up a quick pace for very long with their stubby legs, so they’re slowly converging on the town right now.”
The Captain’s ears twitched in annoyance. “If this is some kind of trick, it won’t work.”
“Well, you can think that if you want and be eaten by giant hungry lizards, or you can let me handle the problem.” I shrugged. “Your choice.”
Instead, he picked option three, which I hadn’t seen until then. That was to tie me up and put me in the town square as bait.
“Seriously, Captain?” I said. “I’m starting to think that you guys think I have a bondage fetish.” I thought for a moment. “If I said I did , would you untie me?”
“No. This time you’re going to properly get eaten,” he told me. The lead crocodiles in the pack began turning the corner into the square.
“Have fun,” the Captain told me. He hopped away.
“Well, shit,” I muttered. Just then, I heard a fluttering of feathers and I looked around.
“Captain Falcon! Good to see you, buddy.” I was very sincere. “Can you do me a solid and get these knots untied?”
The bird considered it for a moment and then shook his head.
I rolled my eyes. “Alright, what do you want?”
He stared at me, knowing that I already knew. “Oh no,” I said. “Not that.”
The falcon shrugged and glanced at the incoming crocodiles.
I sighed. “All right, fine. With the power vested in me by nobody in particular, I hereby promote you to a flag rank of the Equestrian Navy. Is that good enough?”
Admiral Falcon nodded and attacked the ropes. I was freed just in time to scramble away from the first croc. I turned to run and found that I was surrounded. They were coming from all directions.
The bird saluted me with a wing and flew away. I dodged out of the way of a gaping pair of jaws. Diving behind an abandoned cart that some merchant had left behind, I paused for a moment to consider my options.
The town square had few other things besides the cart lying around. Every exit was blocked by crocs. The only way out was to pretty much go over the top of the buildings. The shadows were long in the light of the setting sun.
I have never been particularly athletic, as a pony or otherwise. However, it looked like my only option for survival was parkour. Yeah, this wasn’t going to end well.
I thought carefully for a few moments. Guess it was time to choose my last words.
I spoke to the crowd of crocodiles. “In the words of my favorite Autobot, ‘Freedom is the right of all sentient beings!’. Let’s get it on, you scaly mothers.”
I watched the sun rise the next morning from poolside at the K&R resort. It was just down the coast from the harbor.
I had no idea who Kanga and Roo were, but they sure knew how to build a swank hotel. I somehow doubted that they were the same creatures from Winnie the Pooh. The attached casino was mostly the cause of that opinion.
“Tell me again how you saved the town from the crocodile infestation,” said King Kangaroo.
I took a sip from the fruity beverage beside my chair. “Well, I remembered my tap dancing lessons I took all those years ago in the studios of Manehattan. I figured that if I was going to die, I could at least do it with style. As it turns out, that kind of dancing is the one thing crocs hate more than anything else in the world, and so they left.”
The King shook his head. “Amazing, simply amazing. Where did they go?”
I shrugged. “It’s one of those things that will probably remain a mystery.”
“At least your friend Pinkie knows how to host excellent parties,” he said. That’s what we had been doing all night at the resort.
“Yeah, she’s never thrown a ‘Glad You Didn’t Get Eaten By Crocs’ party before. It was something new.”
The King nodded. “Well, you all are most certainly invited back to my country any time.”
I toasted him with my drink. “To crocodile diplomacy.”
Later that day, the six mares, Spike, and I boarded the ship. I was still a little sore that my pet bird now outranked me, but I had other things to worry about.
Namely, the cargo hold being filled with crocodiles.
“Tap dancing?” said Twilight.
I shrugged. “It was a lot more interesting story than you using magic to take the crocs somewhere else. Besides, this way makes it sound like we’re big, fancy heroes.”
Twilight frowned. “I only put the crocodiles in the ship because I didn’t know what else to do with them. They really wanted to eat you, Valiant. If I’d dropped them off back at the croc pit, they probably would have overrun the town again looking for you.”
“So no problem,” I said. “We’ll just leave them off somewhere else. In the meantime, the Kangaroo Kingdom loves us.”
Twilight sighed. “I guess we can do that.”
"All right," I said. "Let's get out of here before any more screwups happen."
"That might be the smartest thing you've said on this whole voyage," Twilight noted.
We untied from the dock and unfurled the sails. Twilight examined a map she had picked up that contained all the geography surrounding the Kangaroo Kingdom.
"That looks kind of empty," I observed.
"Well, this part of the world is kind of unexplored," Twilight admitted.
I pointed to the spot where the features of the map abruptly ended as if the artist had gotten bored. "So we don't know anything about this? It might as well say, 'here there be monsters'."
"I don't think it's that bad," said Twilight.
"Let's see, in Equestria alone we've encountered manticores, an ursa minor, cerberus, hydras, vampires, quarray eels, shall I go on?"
Twilight suddenly looked less sure of herself.
"Oh look!" I said. "Sharks! They're smiling. Maybe they're happy to see us."
Fan art Kitsunehero 's idea of what a pony drunken stupor looks like.
The sharks alongside the ship did not seem threatening, or at least not as threatening as sharks could be. I walked back to my customary position at the wheel and promptly forgot about them.
A few minutes later, Twilight came up to the deck in a panic. “We forgot to buy vitamins before we left the Kangaroo Kingdom!”
“We have some fresh produce,” I said.
“Not very much!” she wailed.
“When’s the next time we can pull into port?” I asked.
“Don’t you remember the map?” Twilight said. “We have no idea what’s out there!”
I thought for a moment. “Is it too late to turn around and go back? I really don’t want to get scurvy.”
“We could,” said Twilight. “We may have to.”
“Well, just a couple of days without vitamins won’t kill us,” I pointed out.
She sighed. “Okay. I guess we can go for just a little while longer.”
Not quite ‘a while longer,’ but still later in the day, I went down to the galley to see what I could find. Fluttershy had apparently taken the news about the missing vitamins pretty hard. Pinkie was bemoaning the fact that she hadn’t brought along enriched baking flour. Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow all wore grim looks. Twilight seemed to be grinding her teeth together. I didn’t know why. That would only give her calcium shavings.
Spike looked unperturbed. I guess someone who ate gemstones got a lot of minerals.
I pulled out a can of sauerkraut and went back out on deck. Rarity would have been horrified by eating straight from the can, so I took it out of her sight.
I walked over to the railing and watched the sea pass by. “Oh, hey,” I said, spotting the sharks that were still with us.
“What’s up?” called one of them.
I swallowed a lump of sauerkraut. “Uh, well, I guess I am?”
The shark laughed. “I guess you are up there. Want to come down here with us?”
“Let me think about that for a moment,” I said. I walked back down below deck.
“Did any of you know that sharks could talk?” I asked.
Spike and the six ponies stared at me. “Really?” asked Twilight.
I shrugged. “One of them just did.”
All of us went back to the railing.
“Hey, you’re back!” said one of the sharks.
“Come play with us!” suggested another.
We all pulled back and had a quiet discussion.
Rainbow shrugged. “Well, they talk.”
“This is amazing!” said Twilight. “We’ve just discovered a new sapient species!”
“Ah don’t trust ‘em,” said Applejack.
“They are rather charming, in a roguish sort of way,” said Rarity.
“But the teeth,” worried Fluttershy.
“Woo! New species party!” exclaimed Pinkie.
“I don’t know about this, guys,” said Spike.
We all went back to the railing.
“Did I hear party?” asked one of the sharks.
“I’ve got to throw you a party!” said Pinkie. “I don’t know you, so you must be new, and if you’re new you don’t know any of us, and if you don’t know any of us, that’s sad, and so we should have a party and be friends!”
The sharks looked at each other. “Uh, sure,” said one of them.
"I think it's more important to set up relations first," said Twilight. To the sharks, she said, "Do you have a society?"
"Yeah, we've got our own little undersea country," said one. "It's pretty cool. You should come check it out and meet the Shark Supreme."
"I don't know," said Fluttershy.
"It's better, down where it's wetter. Take it from me," I said.
"See, this guy gets it," said one of the sharks.
"You're not from around here," I said. "Any time I quote The Little Mermaid , it means I'm making fun of you."
"Actually, this is kind of our territory," came the reply. "You're not from around here. But we won't hold it against you."
"They're awfully nice for how badly you treat them," said Rarity, glaring at me.
"Um, guys?" said Spike, quietly. "I'm not very good with the whole biology thing, but doesn't sharp teeth usually mean they eat other creatures?"
"That's what I'm worried about," said Twilight.
"Are they being nice just so we'll go down there?" asked Rainbow.
I shrugged. "One way to find out." I went below deck and came back a moment later.
"Here's to international relations," I said, and jumped over the side. "Cannonball!"
totallynotabrony dropped his cigarette in surprise. "Jesus! Valiant, are you an idiot ?" He glared at the small figurine of Twilight on his desk. "Don't answer that."
Pausing for a moment below decks before jumping over the side of the ship was the smartest thing I had ever done. It gave me time to slip into my Pressurized Hardsuit for Diving (PHD, pronounced “fudd”)
I had built the suit out of the spare robot parts I had lying around. I’d never used it, because I’d never had the opportunity before. Heck, it hadn’t even come up in conversation until now.
At any rate, it was very effective at keeping me from becoming eaten. Sharkbait, ooh hah hah.
“So, um, are you guys finished?” I asked.
“Yeah, I guess so,” said one of the sharks, spitting out my armored foreleg.
“This kind of goes against the whole ‘come play with us’ thing you were saying earlier,” I pointed out.
“Well duh, we’re sharks,” said one of the others.
I nodded. At least they were honest and upfront. “So now that I’m down here, I might as well go ahead and meet your leader.”
“Sure, we’ll take you to Shark Supreme,” said one of them. “By the way, my name’s Hammerhead.”
“But you aren’t,” I said.
He rolled his eyes. “It would be pretty stupid to be named that if I were a hammerhead. I mean, it would be like if I had a pet sea cucumber named Sea Cucumber.”
“Are there any hammerheads named Great White?” I asked.
“Yeah, I know that guy,” called one of the other sharks. They all grouped around me, and I followed them towards the bottom of the sea. It got kind of dark down there, but between the breathing apparatus and the crablike pincers I’d cobbled together, I’d also managed to install lights on the suit.
I had no idea how deep the bottom of the sea was, but the suit didn’t implode, so I didn’t care. There was kind of a cavern down there, and inside we found Shark Supreme.
He was kind of big and looked rather old. I’m not really sure how I knew he was old, he just looked like it. Some of these things you can just tell.
“You’re kind of funky looking,” he said.
“Probably because I’m a pony in a metal suit,” I explained.
Supreme shrugged. “Probably.”
“I came here on a mission of international goodwill,” I told him.
“That’s nice,” he said.
I paused for a moment. “So…let’s get goodwilling.”
“I’m afraid I don’t know how,” explained Supreme. “We don’t get many visitors here, other than dolphin diplomats.” All the sharks shuddered when he said that.
“Huh, goodwill,” I said. “Honestly, I was hoping you knew. I’m not usually the guy who takes care of this kind of thing.”
Supreme thought for a moment. “So we’re basically ad-libbing this?”
I shrugged. “Sounds about right. Why don’t we just say that we had some goodwill and call it good enough?”
He nodded. “I’m down with that.”
“Okay, see you,” I said, walking out of the cavern. I suddenly realized that the suit was too heavy to float back to the surface.
Several minutes later, Hammerhead asked me, “Are you finished.”
“Just a sec,” I told him. “Celestia motherbucking bitchass creationism! ” I took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m all out of swears.”
“So how are you going to get back to the surface?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Do you have any ideas?”
He thought for a moment. “Well, there is the device.”
“What device?” I asked.
“We’re not sure,” he said. “It arrived here one day and we can’t figure out how to get rid of it.”
“Take me to your device,” I told him.
“There’s one problem,” he said. “We kind of worship it as a god.”
“My previous statement stands.”
Hammerhead led me to a small shrine that had been set up near the cavern. A few sharks were around, appearing to pay respects to something in the middle of the circle.
“Wow, a minisub,” I said. “I wonder whose it is?”
“Swim back from the device,” a guard told me.
“I’m walking,” I told him.
He frowned. “Walking?”
“Sorry,” I said. “Land joke.” I looked past him to examine the submarine in more detail. It wasn’t very large, probably only big enough for a couple of ponies. The exterior hatch looked bigger than pony-size, however. The sub was wrapped in chains that connected to a large anchor that looked more than big enough to hold it down.
“So this thing just came here one day?” I asked Hammerhead.
“That’s right,” he replied.
“Have you ever considered that maybe it should go back?” I asked.
“Heretic!” shouted one of the sharks.
I suddenly realized that I was in trouble. Usually when that word gets busted out, you know you’re about to be chased by a torches and pitchforks mob. Or whatever the shark equivalent was.
Well, things couldn’t get much worse. I dashed forward and applied the suit’s pincer to the anchor chain. I figured that if I cut it loose, the sub would rise and take me with it.
“He’s violating the sanctity of the device!” I heard a voice shout.
Suddenly, everything went dark and I realized that a shark was trying to bite my head off. I felt a couple more latch onto other parts of my person. Pony. Pony-shaped metal suit. Whatever. I’m not great at thinking during a shark attack, okay?
I felt the chain fall away, and sure enough the sub started to go up. The sharks hung on. I waited patiently while we came up from the depths.
The sub had quite a bit of excess buoyancy, and bobbed violently as it broke the surface. The sharks were knocked off me and I slammed into the underside of the sub’s hull. The glass viewing portal in front of my face cracked and a trickle salt water dripped into my eyes.
Pulling myself out from under the submarine, I managed to scramble up on deck. I saw the good ship We’re going to kill you all off in the distance.
“We’ll get you one day!” shouted a shark, shaking a fin at me. They swam away as the ship approached.
“Valiant!” called Twilight. “We thought you were dead!”
“Um, I kind of stole the sharks' religious artifact,” I said.
Her face changed to a mask of horror. “Why would you do that?”
“Well, it’s not like they were using it for its intended purpose,” I said. “Sharks don’t need submarines.”
“While we’re here, we might as well investigate it,” said Rarity. “There could be treasure onboard.”
We tied the sub up to the side of the ship. Wiping some muck off the hull, I noticed that a name was painted on the bow. Astikus Alchés .
With a little help from Twilight’s magic, we got the hatch cranked open and looked inside the submarine.
All the controls were suspiciously large, and appeared to have been set up for an operator who didn’t have pony hooves.
I ran a quick inspection. The sub had been sealed tightly, and the interior was basically perfect. I found a wooden box on the floor. Inside was a small key, and a piece of paper.
The paper had a cloven-hoofed print near the top. Below was a single line of print. Property of her Royal Mooseness.
“Well gang, it looks like we have a mystery to solve,” I said, in my best impersonation of Fred Jones.
“Moose?” said Twilight. “I’ve heard of them, but nopony knows where they live.”
“Well, let’s take this submarine under tow,” I said. “If we can’t locate the owners, then it’s finders keepers.”
I had a sudden thought. “Wait, we have two vessels now. It’s a small fleet, but a fleet nonetheless. I could be…a Fleet Admiral. Ha! In your face, bird!” I pointed at Admiral Falcon. He gave me a look, but said nothing.
I climbed out of the submarine. “Well, it’s been a productive day. I’m going to take a nap.”
“You infuriated all the sharks, possibly stole a Royal Moose naval craft, and we still don’t have any vitamins!” shouted Twilight.
I shrugged. “Never a dull moment, huh?”
Author note: TheUrbanMoose for the idea.
The problem of the submarine was slight. We could pretty much tow it wherever we needed to go. However, the wooden box we’d found aboard was a mystery. There was no way to tell what the tiny key was good for.
Everyone was still going on about the lack of vitamins. They were all concerned about scurvy. Truthfully, it was beginning to worry me slightly as well.
With nothing better to do, I studied the submarine a little more. I had no idea who or what Astikus Alchés might have been, but it sounded like a name. Perhaps some important moose?
At any rate, we sailed on. We were now well into the part of the map that was blank, as if the cartographer had shrugged and said “Whatev, I be takin’ a break now, yo.” It was kind of exciting to be exploring new territory, but at the same time, we had zero idea what might be out there. I might have felt more confident if my mental image of the mapmaker spoke with a little less of a jive accent.
I remembered that the cargo hold was still full of crocodiles. It had been a while since I’d thought about that. Hmm, what to do with them?
I went back to my place on the wheel. It was another rather boring day at sea, despite the vitamin situation and the lack of mappage, and the sharks that may or may not be circling below.
Off in the distance, I spotted a small dark shape. I raised the spyglass and had a look. It appeared to be an island.
“Hey Rainbow, go check that thing out!” I shouted. After a moment, the sleepy pegasus complied.
Twilight came up on deck. “Is there something out there?”
“Looks like an island,” I told her. “Kind of a rocky shore and not much vegetation.”
She shrugged. “Well, at the very least we can claim it for Equestria.”
“Um, yes. Equestria. Excuse me for a moment,” I said. I went below deck and began working on something.
For whatever reason, we didn’t have a small boat to help us get to shore from the ship. Instead, we just anchored We’re going to kill you all and took the submarine. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it was smaller and could get closer to shore.
Twilight jumped out with a flag pole. “I hereby claim this land for—”
“Hang on,” I said, “What’s that over there?”
The eight of us walked over to where I had pointed. A few crude fences dotted the area. There was a scattering of bones and the ashes of old fires.
“These look like pig skeletons,” said Applejack. “And they’ve been…chewed on.”
“Okay,” I said, looking at the scene. “We’ve got pig pens over here, and barbecue fires over here. I don’t see any other distinguishing features of this island, so I guess it’s down to those two to name it.”
“Pig pens versus barbecue?” said Rarity. “I’m not sure which I prefer less.”
“Well, I’m the Fleet Admiral,” I said. “I’ll make the decision. Let’s call it Pen Island.”
“I guess that works,” said Twilight. She levitated a quill and a piece of paper out of her saddlebags and wrote it down. She stopped and frowned. "P-e-n-I-s-l-a-n-d. Wait, is this one of those double entendres?”
I didn’t reply. I was too busy trying to tie a rough drawing of a US flag to a nearby tree. There hadn’t been time to make a proper flag, and I don’t know how I would have managed the sewing, anyway.
“This place doesn’t look very nice,” said Fluttershy.
“Ugh, you’re right,” said Rainbow, carefully hovering above the pile of bones.
“I bet they threw some wicked parties here, though,” said Pinkie. We all stared at her. She laughed. “What? I said they were wicked. That’s what tearing apart animals is, right?”
“I’m not sure we actually want to claim this place for Equestria,” said Twilight. “If it was our territory, we’d have to take responsibility for a meat-eating species living here, and then there’d be the environmental cleanup from these bones and fires.”
Aha, thinking like a bureaucrat. You’re gonna go far in government, Twi.
“At the very least, maybe we could abandon the crocodiles here,” suggested Applejack.
“There’s not much here in the way of food for them,” said Fluttershy. “We wouldn’t want them to starve.”
“On the other hand,” I pointed out, “if we did, we could call this place Crocodile Rock.” I immediately regretted wasting that joke on ponies. Not even Elton John is flamboyant enough to be known in Equestria.
Twilight sighed. “Well, back to the ship, I guess.”
As we turned to go, a squealing noise began and seemed to be gaining in volume. A plump pink pig came running over to us.
“Aren’t you the cutest thing?” said Fluttershy, putting out a hoof to stroke the pig on the back. “Good piggy.” Visions of bacon danced in my head, but I knew none of the ponies would go for that.
“We can’t leave him here to fend for himself,” said Twilight.
“It’s a girl,” corrected Fluttershy.
“But…but…a pig ?” demanded Rarity.
“Ain’t nothin’ wrong with them,” said Applejack.
“Liver is high in vitamins,” I pointed out. They all glared at me, the pig included.
“Relax Rarity,” said Pinkie. “There’s no mud on the ship. If given the opportunity, I’m sure a pig could be really clean. Now, what are we going to name her?” We kicked around several suggestions, but hadn’t decided on anything by the time we made it back to the ship.
“I don’t know how much longer we can last,” said Twilight sadly as we pulled away from the island. “Without vitamins, we can’t go much further.”
“It’s a problem,” I admitted. I left her and went below deck to get something to eat. I grabbed a can of sauerkraut and opened it up. As I munched through it, I idly turned the can around to look at the nutrition facts on the label. Low in fat, high in Vitamin C.
I grinned. This should be hilarious.
Author note:
“The Sauerkraut Incident,” as Twilight called it in her letter to the Princess, started shortly after she came to the difficult decision to turn the ship around and head for civilization.
“You guys know there is a supply of vitamin C on board, right?” I said.
“What are you talking about?” demanded Rainbow. I indicated the can that I was eating from. She made a face and called me a liar.
I shrugged. “More for me.”
Well, once they all figured out I had been hoarding minerals—even if I hadn’t realized it—an inquiry was held. Having only myself as a witness (and as an attorney), I didn’t stand much of a chance. They charged me with dereliction of duty.
I wish the trial would have been long and epic because that would have given me lots of chances to muck with the proceedings, but with only eight of us aboard, it was open and shut within ten minutes.
“Well, now comes the sentencing,” said Twilight, the self-appointed judge.
“Make me walk the plank,” I suggested.
Her eyes went wide. “Really? I mean, we were only going to put you on bread and water rations for a week, but if that’s what you really want.”
I think she was expecting me to go, “No! It was just a joke!” After several seconds, she shrugged and banged the gavel. “Sentencing is as follows: Valiant will walk the plank.”
We went up on deck and the plank was prepared. I stepped out on it. “You’re really going to do this?” I said. “Abandon your Fleet Admiral out here in the middle of the ocean?”
“That’s right,” said Twilight, still sounding surprised that I’d suggested it.
“Well, in that case, I’m afraid that you are going to have to walk the plank.” I swapped places with her. “For charges of mutiny. Seriously? You were planning on abandoning your leader out here in the middle of the ocean?”
“But—but—” Twilight stammered. “This is madness!”
Chuckling, I said, “You aren’t going to get the joke that you just set yourself up for, but trust me, it’s going to be good.”
I cleared my throat and kicked Twilight in the chest. “Madness? This is Sparta!”
Turning around, I saw the other five ponies and Spike looking on in horror. They’d all heard the splash as the purple unicorn hit the water. They really should have read the naval bylaws. Disobedience of superior officers was a much more serious crime than waiting until the right moment to reveal a secret source of vitamin C. That’s what happens when landlubbers go for a boat ride. They get smacked right in the naïveity by unknown rules.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go have some celebration kraut.”
Things were much quieter without Twilight. When a letter arrived from Celestia, we all looked at each other and quietly tossed it over the side. Nobody, myself included, wanted to talk about what had happened.
I think we all had different reasons for that, though. Pinkie threw a going away party for Twilight. The rest of us raided her stuff. It all turned out to be good practice, however, because the next day we pulled into a pirate port.
It was a medium-sized island that had a sheltered cove and a volcano. I took down the Equestrian flag and put up a pirate jack of my own design.
“What the buck is that?” demanded Applejack.
“Exactly what it looks like,” I answered. “Celestia getting—”
“Arrg!” interrupted Pinkie, who had donned a pirate costume. “If ye have to ask, ye needn’t know!”
“That’s a really great line,” I said. “I’ll have to remember that.”
We pulled up to the dock. The moose submarine had been hidden from view, which wasn’t too difficult being that it was a submarine.
There were creatures of all kinds in port. A minotaur was standing on the dock when we arrived. He looked up to the top of the mast and whistled. “Wow, you guys must be hardcore. That looks like Princess Celestia taking a—”
A massive explosion muffled his next words. The minotaur didn’t appear to notice the blast. I asked, “What was that?”
“Oh, the volcano does that sometimes.” He shrugged. “Just part of living on the Blowhole.”
I assumed that was the name of the island, and wondered vaguely about it. Maybe it was because of the volcano.
We’d done our best to hide all our valuables on the ship, and felt kind of safe leaving it alone, even in a pirate haven. Spike, the ponies, and I went for a walk. There were a few fights in the street, creatures walking around with eye patches and peg limbs, and lots of brokenly accented speech.
“Hey you! Orange pony!” called a voice.
“Yes?” answered Applejack and I. A large male griffon came walking over to me, ignoring the mare. “You don’t look like a pirate.” He glanced at the rest. “Except for that pink one, none of you do.”
I touched a small hole in my ear. It’s kind of a long story, but to put it simply, there was this one time that I was fighting a vampony named Blueblood in the caverns beneath Canterlot Castle, and he punched a hole in the thin skin of my ear with one of his fangs. To the griffon, I said, “Sorry, forgot my earring.”
He nodded, his expression slightly softer. Rainbow said, “I’m a pirate. Look how little time I spend grooming my mane.”
Rarity rolled her eyes, but decided to help us with the charade. She snatched Applejack’s hat and quickly retooled it into a pirate tricorn. The white pony explained, “Applejack is a pirate, too. Fluttershy and I are…wenches.”
The griffon nodded, now smiling. “Well, have a real fine day here at Blowhole.”
The real pirate left us alone, and we continued on, looking for a place to buy vitamins. There was a greater species diversity here than any place I’d ever seen in the world. There may have even been a few moose.
The breeze shifted and I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks.
“What’s up, Valiant?” asked Rainbow.
“Does anypony else smell that?” asked Rarity.
“Ah’ve never smelt nothin’ like it before,” said Applejack.
“It’s…nice,” said Fluttershy.
“It’s amazing ,” corrected Pinkie. “What could it be?”
A big stupid grin slid across my face. “It’s bacon.”
It didn’t take very long to discover the source of the unexplained bacon smell. The pig we’d rescued from Pen Island was on fire.
“Well, that’s something you don’t see every day,” I commented.
“Ah’m more worried about the ship,” said Applejack.
“Uh, yeah, that’s a problem,” agreed Rainbow.
It was unclear which had combusted first—the swine or the boat—but between the pork, the wood smoke, and the salty flavoring of the ocean, it smelled exactly like bacon.
We stood on the pier for a minute, watching the fire. I honestly didn’t feel too put out about it. It sort of sucked that the ship was gone, but it was kind of a piece of crap to begin with. I wondered if we could write to Celestia and have her pick us up with a rental boat. She would most likely want to know where Twilight was, though, so it was probably not worth it.
Surprisingly, a pirate outpost like Blowhole had a sizable fire department. I said as much to a large elephant that came walking by.
“Yep,” he agreed. “We have to put out fires quickly before they become beacons for invasion.”
“Invasion from who?” I asked.
“You’ll know them when you see them,” he replied cryptically. “Anyway, I’m Green Fuzz. Nice to meet you.”
He gently bumped my hoof with his massive foot. “Fleet Admiral Valiant,” I said. “Well, I guess it’s not much of a fleet anymore.”
The elephant shrugged. “Ships happen.”
I laughed. “I like you. Where’d you get that name, anyway?”
“There was this incident in which my crew and I were out of supplies and were reduced to eating mold that we found in crevices on the ship. I was the only one who could eat the green fuzzy kind and not get sick. Subsequently, I was the only one who survived.” The elephant shrugged. “Anyway, after that every pirate decided I was a tough guy and made me Mayor of Blowhole.”
Green Fuzz burped suddenly and all the fire fighters and dock workers in the area suddenly stopped what they were doing and ran away, cheering.
I stared after them. “What—”
“Sorry about that,” said the elephant. “There’s a local tradition that whenever the mayor belches in public, work for the rest of the day is immediately called off.”
“Meanwhile, there’s still a burning ship,” I pointed out angrily.
He shrugged again. “The prophecy says that only the Mysterious Moose Key can unlock the secrets of prosperity and work not tied to the local leader’s burps.”
“It’s still a stupid policy,” I said. “However, I think I can help you.”
The small key that had been aboard the submarine had been on a string around Rarity’s neck most of the time since we’d found it. It was closest thing to jewelry she could find aboard the ship. Green Fuzz’s eyes lit up when he saw it.
“Oh my,” exclaimed the elephant. “This may be the very thing we were looking for.”
“If you say so.” Me, the ponies, and Spike followed him through the town and up the side of the volcano. There was a small metal door set into the solid rock, and a keyhole that fit the moose key perfectly.
“Here we go.” Green Fuzz grinned and twisted the key in the lock with his trunk. Everyone oohed and ahhed as the door swung open. I’ll admit to making some noises of surprise and delight, too.
It was gold.
Yeah, pretty much.
From a historical point of view, it was pretty amazing. There were all kinds of artifacts and stuff from the time of the moose. There was some more weird writing that plausibly sounded like it had produced Astikus Alchés , the name of the submarine.
From a technological point of view, there was stuff in there that was probably old but looked modern, as if it had been invented long ago and modern society had only just caught up. Tools, paper and writing utensils, clothing, and armor.
From a money point of view, oh my God, the gold! Everything was gold. Like, everything.
Green Fuzz slammed the door shut, eyes wide. “It’s all true,” he said. “The prophecy has been fulfilled.”
“Care to explain?” I asked.
“I would, but we don’t have time,” he said, gazing out from our vantage point on the volcano. “The invasion is about to start.”
“Ah don’t like the sound of that,” said Applejack.
“Good heavens,” exclaimed Rarity.
“You still haven’t told us who is invading or why,” pointed out Rainbow.
Fluttershy made a small squeaky noise. Spike bit his fist, probably attempting not to blurt out something stupid about aliens or zombies or whatever he read about in his comic books. Pinkie started to say something about an invasion party, but thought better of it.
“Come with me quickly,” said the elephant. “We’ll talk on the way.” And he did. By the time we got back to town, he’d told us everything.
Step one of the prophecy was pretty simple: a ship would catch on fire. That’s why they had a fire department that tried to prevent such a thing from happening.
Step two involved opening the mysterious moose door on the volcano. It had been locked for as long as any creature on the island could remember, and none of the residents of Blowhole knew what was inside.
Step three was an invasion.
Step four was the reversal of the mayor’s burps from a signal to stop work to a signal to start.
“None of this makes any sense,” I said. “Granted, what we saw behind that door was pretty cool, but you could have broken the chain of events by simply not opening it . Now that you have opened it, you’ve set the island up for an invasion. And just what the hell does any of this have to do with the workers’ reaction to burping?”
Green Fuzz shrugged. “I don’t write the prophecies.”
I facehoofed. “Fine. I guess we’ll deal with the invasion when it comes.”
All of us looked around. No signs of attack.
“Can we have a ‘no invasion yet’ party?” asked Pinkie.
“Look!” said Fluttershy, pointing. A dolphin washed up from the surf, flopping in the sand. We all ran down to the beach. Fluttershy was making noises of worry the whole way.
As we got there, the dolphin stood up on his tail and cleared his throat. “Attention creatures of the island: We’re invading you.”
“Well, that was straightforward,” I said. “But why?"
The dolphin thought for a moment. “Well, who else should be in control of a place called Blowhole?”
I certainly didn’t like getting invaded, but I had to admit he had a point. Behind him, a couple dozen other dolphins rose out of the water, hopping onto dry land with their tails.
“It’s like a Dolphin Army,” said Rainbow with wonder.
“They’re ocean creatures. It’s more like a Dolphin Navy,” said Applejack.
“Wait a moment,” I said. “They’re coming from the water onto the land. I think that would make them…Dolphin Marines?”
“Regardless, they’re kind of invading us,” said Green Fuzz. The dolphins were rather less violent than a TV show I had watched once that had roughly the same plot. I figured they would probably stage a peaceful protest at the courthouse or something. I didn’t know how else they would take over.
We watched as dozens of dolphins exited the sea and moved past us…along with one purple unicorn. Twilight’s eyes were vacant and she hopped along just like the sea creatures around her.
“Ohmygosh,” said Pinkie. “Has she been brainwashed?”
We all fell into ranks with the dolphins, walking alongside Twilight, who didn’t appear to recognize us.
“What’s the standard way to un-brainwash someone?” I asked. The five ponies, and the dragon and elephant looked at each other, but said nothing.
I shrugged. “Time to break new ground. I love experimental medical procedures.”
So I bucked Twilight in the head. Maybe just a little too hard. Instead of coming to her senses, she hit the ground, out cold.
Suddenly, all the dolphins were giving us unpleasant looks. “That was our newest recruit,” said one of them.
“She wasn’t much of a swimmer, but she had determination,” added another. The whole group of them began to close in around us.
“Backup plan!” I shouted. I raced away, back towards the docks. Dolphins aren’t so great at ground speed, and we were able to outpace them.
The toasted hulk of We’re going to kill you all was right where we had left it. The top deck surface had pretty much burned away, but everything below the waterline was unaffected.
I released the cargo hold full of crocodiles. “Go forth and make sure you attack the ones who wronged the ones who wronged you !”
I have no idea whether the crocs understood or not, but sure enough they chased the dolphins back to the sea. Somewhere along the way, Green Fuzz had picked up Twilight’s comatose form. We sent her to the local medical clinic. The rest of us partied.
It was a pretty good ‘so happy we didn’t die’ party, one of the best I’d ever attended. Green Fuzz took me aside, a happy look on his face. “We can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done. I’m sure we can have a new ship built for you very quickly.”
“But how?” I asked. “You’ve let all the workers go because you burped.”
“Ah, but it’s been reversed now,” he reminded me with a smile.
Regal flatulence drifted from the mouth of Green Fuzz, generating economic facility as the dockyard workers all cheered and returned to their previously scheduled duties. Strangest damned thing I ever saw.
“Yay, working party!” said Pinkie. The festivities continued for quite a while. Twilight, when she woke up later, was sad to have missed it.
When Twilight finally did come to her senses, we were leaving the coast of Blowhole behind. She looked around, not recognizing the ship we were on.
“What did I miss?” the unicorn asked, groaning in pain from her bruised head.
I thought for a moment. “Let’s see…after you walked the plank, you were apparently brainwashed by dolphins. Meanwhile, the rest of us met some nice pirates who kindly put out our ship when it suddenly caught on fire. Then we got embroiled in some ancient prophecy that had something to do with a highly advanced moose society that liked to build little rooms into the side of volcanos and submarines. After that, the dolphins—including you—invaded the island, but we sicked the CargoCrocs on them. In gratitude, the pirates built us this nice new ship.”
Twilight nodded. “I’m not sure whether it’s harder to believe that actually happened, or that you made up a story that complicated on the spot.”
“Well, maybe this will help.” I pulled up the hatch to the cargo hold and showed her what was inside.
“That’s a lot of gold,” she observed.
I nodded. “Yeah, while everyone was distracted by the party I helped myself.”
“You stole it, Valiant!” Twilight shouted.
I shrugged. “But I also took the documentation, writing samples, artifacts, and even the roast beast.”
“Well, I suppose that will give me a lot to study,” admitted Twilight. She frowned, “Wait, what was that last one?”
“Instead, why don’t you worry about how we’re sailing the ocean on a pirate-built vessel and have none of the proper flags and paperwork to prove we’re with Equestria?” I suggested.
Twilight’s eyes went wide. “You’re right. I need to send a letter to the Princess right away.” She went off to find Spike. Meanwhile, I hoisted the pirate jack to the top of the mast. You know, the one that had a picture of Celestia eating some—
Suddenly, Twilight came back. “We’ve been denied status as an Equestrian Navy research and exploration vessel. They say that anything to do with pirates would make the rest of the fleet look bad.”
“Screw ‘em,” I said. “We can be pirates anyway.”
Twilight nodded. “It’s funny you mention that. The Princess regrets not letting us back into the fleet, so instead of true Navy status, we’ve been issued a privateer license.”
“So we’re…pirates with a government charter?” I asked.
Twilight sighed. “I wish you wouldn’t use that word, but yes, that’s the legal definition.”
I thought for a moment. “This certainly changes things. Who ever heard of a pirate research vessel?”
"We'll just have to be careful," said Twilight. "I'm going to go send another letter to tell about the treasure we collected. I'm sure it's valuable to somepony."
She started away, but stopped. "Oh, what's the name of this ship?"
I opened my mouth, but she held up a hoof. "Never mind, I don't want to know."
As she dissapeared below deck, I shrugged. What was so wrong about naming the vessel after our fallen companion? I grabbed some paint and went back to my duties of adding the name to the side of the ship.
Bacon
“All right you landlubbing scoundrels! Come forth and offer tribute to King Neptune!”
The six mares and one dragon looked at me suspiciously. Twilight said, “I’ve never heard of this ritual before.”
“We’ve been over this,” I told her. “Every time you cross the equator, the junior sailors aboard get hazed.”
“That still doesn’t seem right,” Rarity protested.
And it wasn’t, but damn did I like making excuses to create a good hazing. I glared at them. “Do you all want to walk the plank?”
“There ain’t no plank on this new ship,” Applejack reminded me.
“Freaking pirates,” I muttered. “Can’t build anything right.”
The not-so-good ship Bacon cut through the waves, helped along by a stiff breeze. All of us aboard were having a reasonably good time, so I had decided to up the ante with a crossing the line ceremony. It didn’t work out, so now the crew was back to passively disliking me. At least they had a good reason now.
I went down to the cargo hold. The pile of gold and gold accessories sitting there was certainly a good trade for the crocodiles that had previously occupied the space. I shoved a few of the coins into a small bag.
I faintly heard Rainbow call, “Ship sighted!”
Coming up on deck, I grabbed my spyglass and sighted through it. Sure enough, the multicolored pegasus was awake and doing her job. Oh, and a ship.
“All hands to battle stations!” I called.
“Why?” asked Pinkie. Any other pony I probably would have had court-martialed for questioning orders. Any other pony probably wouldn’t have been able to get away with an insanity plea, though.
“We’ve got a Celestia-issued privateer license,” I reminded her. “Fighting other ships is our job.”
“We aren’t at war with any country,” Twilight quickly reminded me.
“We’re still pirates,” I said.
“Privateers ,” she corrected.
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever floats your boat.”
“Root beer floats?” asked Pinkie. “Oh! We should invite that other ship over here and have an ice cream root beer social!”
Fight or party, fight or party. It was honestly a tough decision. A sudden thought came to me. “We don’t have any ice cream or root beer.”
“How about we go ask them?” suggested Pinkie.
Hmm. That would be a perfect excuse to get close without tipping them off to our true intentions. I grabbed the wheel and steered us in that direction.
As it turned out, the ship was carrying a cargo of ice cream and root beer. I facehoofed. “Fluttershy, prepare to receive casualties!”
“I thought we weren’t going to fight!” exclaimed Twilight.
“We aren’t. We’re going to Pinkie Party.”
“Oh, right.”
We got our ice cream and our root beer and everyone had a pretty swell time. In fact, between the two ships we consumed the entire cargo, leaving no reason to actually fight. Even I had to admit it worked out for the best.
“That was great!” exclaimed the other captain. “I am a little down that we just burned through a really expensive load of confections. Hey, what are you carrying in your ship? We shared our cargo with you.”
Instead of answering, I calmly stepped back across the boarding bridge and touched off a broadside barrage of cannons.
“But I thought we weren’t going to fight!” squealed Fluttershy.
“Doesn’t count if they aren’t fighting back,” I replied. The other ship plunged straight to the bottom, the crew floating free in life boats.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve just done?” demanded Twilight.
“Nope.”
“You attacked a merchant ship from the zebra homeland! They’re going to be really angry!”
“How did you know it was from there?” I asked.
“They were flying a flag that matched the one in Zecora’s passport,” she explained.
“Zecora has a passport? Huh, I always thought she just kind of hung out in the forest because she couldn’t establish residence due to her illegal alien status.”
“You assume a lot, Valiant.”
“How is that different than what you do?” I asked.
“I read and understand documented data before I made any decisions,” Twilight replied angrily.
“Data documented by others ,” I pointed out.
“They have accreditation!” she screamed.
“Um, hate to break y’all’s argument up,” said Applejack, stepping in, “but the submarine’s doin’ somethin’ funny.”
I glanced over the stern of the ship at where we towed the moose-built sub. It was wallowing in the water a little, and I soon spotted the reason why. One of the zebras from the ship we’d sunk was climbing aboard, a cutlass clenched in his teeth.
I grinned. “I’ll take care of this.”
After carefully climbing down the tow rope, I squared off with the stallion. I think that’s the proper pronoun for a zebra. I didn’t have time to contemplate it further because I had a freaking swordfight to start.
The zebra looked at me curiously. I suppose he’d never seen a pony wielding a cutlass in each hoof.
“How does that even work?” he asked.
From the stern of the ship, Applejack gasped. “He ain’t rhymin’!”
“It's not a zebra thing, Zecora’s just weird like that,” I said. “She once told me that some problems had developed in her brain from sniffing all those herbs.”
Turning back to my opponent, I grinned. “There’s a lot of things that I’ve given up on trying to explain, like how a hoof can hold a cutlass. Just call it magic and go with it.”
He charged me and we had an epic little duel.
Ching! Ka-chink! Clang!
“What the hell is that noise?” I said. Looking around, I spotted five sharks biting at the hull of the submarine.
The zebra said something that was probably a swear where he came from. He had good reason to, as one of the sharks lunged out of the water and ate him.
“Oh…dang,” I said.
“Oh dang!” screamed the shark as the zebra’s cutlass slid down his esophagus. The other sharks paused for a moment and then began trying to eat me.
I dodged their attacks frantically. I couldn’t even pause to get a slice in with my weapons because another shark would be on me if I did. The submarine suddenly swung around, knocking me off balance. I fell down the hatch.
As near as I could figure, the tow rope had broken. A shark tried to fit down the hatch to bite me and failed because he was too big. He glared at me from a distance of about three inches.
“Why were you trying to eat me if I could stab you from the inside?” I asked, careful not to move.
“This is our device!” he shouted. “We worship it as no others do!”
“Well, technically it was the mooses’, then it went to you, then I claimed salvage rights and took possession.” I poked him in the nose with a hoof. “Now are you going to leave peacefully or will I need the bigger boat to come help me kick your ass?”
“Oh, that,” he said. “It’s sailing away without you.”
I suddenly wondered if the tow rope had broken or been cut. I sighed. “Well, that makes things easy. As soon as I figure out which part of a shark is his ass, I’m going to kick it.”
Fortunately, I was saved the trouble by the shark suddenly remembering he was out of the water and dying. I shoved him back and closed the hatch.
It was remarkably simple to keep going in the general direction the ship had gone. The sharks continued to circle around, but with the hatch closed there was nothing they could do. I hoped they weren’t religiously zealous enough to throw themselves on the propeller in an attempt to stop me.
I reached land a while later, finding the mouth of a freshwater river and heading up it. All the sharks had to either quit following or suffer over-hydration from the lack of salt in the water. I cackled deviously. Science had saved the day once again.
When the water got too shallow, I had to stop. I pulled up close to shore and tied the sub to a tree. On one side of the river was a dense jungle. On the other side was flat grasslands.
I spotted a boat coming down the river. I hoped that I had gotten to shore before the lifeboats and their angry crew.
Of course I hadn’t, and they threw me in zebra jail.
Stuck in zebra jail was not really the place where I wanted to be. Apparently, “non-stripers” like myself were a novelty. As I was also a non-stripper, I did not like the situation. Not one bit.
Speaking of one bit, I still had the little bag of gold I’d brought with, which was worth considerably more than just one bit. In fact, it was worth so much that the guards happily accepted the bribe and let me go.
totallynotabrony scratched his head. “He got out of zebra jail within two paragraphs? Eh, screw the rules, I have ponies.”
Trekking across the zebra homeland did not look like a viable option. As I had noted from the river, one side of the country was dense jungle and the other was flat grasslands. Going either way, I’d probably starve before making any significant progress.
I facehoofed. “Oh yeah, pony. Plants are everywhere.”
Yes, subsisting on grass like some common beast of burden was not fun. It beat being part of a harem, however. More on that later.
I was headed for the coast, where I hoped to meet the ship. Day by day, my mood swung back and forth between “they abandoned me” and “it was only an accident.” True, they hadn’t turned the ship around to come get me after I was set adrift, but if there was one thing this whole crazy trip had taught me, it was that you couldn’t count on anyone. Not even yourself, especially if it’s me you’re talking about.
I managed to make my way to the capital of the zebra homeland, which was called Zebraburg. I was able to find a tourist map there that pointed me towards a likely city on the coast, Zebraport. Strangely, none of the rest of the cities in the country shared a similar naming theme. Freaks.
My worldly possessions were just the pair of cutlasses I had brought with me from the ship. I had fashioned a way to hold them comfortably on my back in a crossed, X-shape and felt like kind of a badass for doing do. More on that later.
I hooked up with a companion named Zed and we walked together for a while. He sang me the song of his people. I sang him Friday and told him it was the song of my people. He didn’t talk much after that.
The two of us wound up in a small town whose name was painted on a sign that had fallen down. I elected not to turn the sign over and find out, and therefore will never know the name of the place where I found the best sauerkraut in all of the zebra homeland. More on that later.
We eventually reached Zebraport and Zed asked me if I was interested in hookers. I was not. He asked if I was into exotic stuff. I was not.
Zed then asked me if I would go to a tavern with him and make sure he didn’t die of alcohol poisoning. I told him that I would likely be too drunk myself to notice, but vowed to try. I have no idea if I succeeded however, because I saw something that interested me greatly and left. Later, Zed looked around for moral support after finding himself unable to drink his problems away, expecting to find me there. I was not.
I had gone down to the waterfront to see if the ship was there. I actually found it, but there didn’t seem to be anybody aboard. After waiting around for a while, I decided to go looking for them.
I was a little surprised to find that they’d been adopted by a madam, and had become part of her harem. Pinkie was the only one who realized what was going on, but she was also the only one who didn’t seem to mind. Go figure.
Of course, after I busted into the place intent on rescuing them, then the chains and shackles came out. I got into a little argument with the harem management about that. They didn’t seem to care.
It was a good thing I was always carrying my crossed cutlasses, and threatened them all a little. The madam didn’t budge, but I had to duel a couple of guards.
Fed up that, I opened some of the sauerkraut I had gotten and threw the can at the restrained ponies. They recoiled from the stuff so hard that the chains and whatnot broke. After disengaging from the battle, I followed them back to the ship.
“Jeeze, is it that hard to stay out of trouble without me around?” I asked.
They all gave me dirty looks. Twilight said, “We usually get into more trouble with you.”
“Well, I guess there’s a first time for everything. Wow, working in a harem. Princess Celestia will be so proud.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Just sail.”
I facehoofed. “We forgot the submarine!”
“Where did ya leave it?” asked Applejack.
I stared out over the empty water around us. “I don’t know the name of the river. I don’t know how far up it I was when I left it.”
“It’s gone, then,” said Rarity.
Rainbow glanced over the railing. “Hey you sharks, your stupid device is gone!”
There was a chorus of angry protests, but the school of sharks following us gradually dispersed. Honestly, they looked a little old for school. A university of sharks?
We sailed uneventfully for a couple of days. We’d all reached the quiet decision to go home. There’s only so much adventure you can stand. Frankly, though, it was a little bittersweet. We’d seen some cool stuff and gotten a whole bunch of gold to take back with us. Still, sauerkraut was getting a little bland, even to me.
Thanks to us solving their croc problem, the Kangaroo Kingdom was happy to have us back. We stopped in to get some supplies and did a little partying.
I spotted Hopper, but he didn’t approach. Probably afraid that I would kick him in his kangaroo balls a second time.
The festivities, organized by Pinkie at the K & R resort again, carried long into the night. It was a good way to spend some time ashore. At some point during the party, the Kangaroo King pulled me aside. “I have to warn you, there have been many reports of pirates in the area.”
“We’ve been hearing reports of pirates ever since we left Equestria. I think it’s actually us, and our reputation has been blown way out of proportion.”
The King shrugged. “Well, it’s not too much further to get back to Equestria. Have a good trip.”
I told him that we would. In the morning, after the party had finished winding down, we climbed back aboard the ship and headed out. The wind was blowing nicely and the sky was clear. Off in the distance, a ship came into view. I yelled at Rainbow to go check it out.
She flew away and came back a few minutes later. “Moose.”
“How many?”
“Lots.”
I was somewhat proud of her that she didn’t say “mooses.” “It would be nice to finally meet some of them.”
“Uh, about that,” said Rainbow. “They didn’t seem to be any kind of organized crew.”
“So they aren’t representative of the moose country?” I asked. “That’s okay, I suppose.”
“Are we going to tell them about the submarine?” asked Applejack.
“We can, although since we have no idea where it is, it won’t do them much good.”
“Are we going to tell them about the gold we got from that cave in the mountain?” asked Rarity.
“Hell no.”
The ship drew closer. The moose aboard seemed to be working on something. It looked like a thin cannon. With a pop a package flew across the gap between the ships. Pinkie picked it up and read the message.
“Greetings, we are looking for the lost moose treasure. Our country poured all its resources into creating a highly advanced machine called a submarine in order to safely store the key to the chamber on a the volcanic island where tons of gold were hidden. After the revolution, however, the secret was lost.”
“So it rightfully belongs to them,” said Twilight.
“We don’t know who these guys are,” I said. “Rainbow, you said they didn’t look like any kind of organized group, right?”
The pegasus nodded. I stepped over to Pinkie to read the note for myself. “Unless they have proof—which they don’t, the note says everything was lost—then it’s salvage rights.”
Twilight nodded. “I guess that makes sense. They might not be too happy about that, though.”
“Who says they have to be? We’ve got privateer rights issued by the Princess.”
Just then, there was a whistling sound. Something splashed into the water on the other side of the ship. I looked over at the moose vessel. There was a cloud of smoke rising from one of their cannons. They had also hoisted a black flag with a skull on it.
“Moose pirates.” I narrowed my eyes. “Fluttershy, you aren’t doing anything, go get our own pirate flag.”
Timidly, she asked, “The one with a picture of Princess Celestia doing—”
“That’s the one.” I touched my sheathed cutlasses and turned to face the rest of the crew. “All right all of you, listen up! They fired the first shot, and that pisses me off! Get to your battle positions and prepare to fight!”
“But…they’re pirates!” stammered Twilight.
“And who are you?” I asked. “Celestia gave you a privateer license.”
“I don’t know how to be a pirate!”
I turned away. “Ye best be learnin’ then. Davy Jones gives no quarter to idiots.”
Not the best pre-battle speech, but I could have done worse. Our two ships squared off, and the fight began.
I have to say, about the last thing I expected were ninjas. Moose ninjas. Worse, they had somehow teamed up with the pirates into some sort of the-enemy-of-my-enemy-is-my-friend collective.
I stared across the water at the hostile ship. There were a couple dozen moose aboard, versus our crew of seven ponies, one dragon, and a bird.
Admiral Falcon gave me a look as if to say, You get us into the gosh-darndest messes, asshole. I thought his mixing of swear levels was a little unwarranted, but then I was sometimes guilty of it myself. What a piece of fucking poop.
Twilight had dropped to the deck and was making scared squeaky noises. Fluttershy was doing something different, although her noises were closer to crying. I rolled my eyes. “Look, we might be about to die, but you aren’t helping! Get up and fight!”
Rainbow, for perhaps the first time in her life, pleased me by actually responding to my command. She flew off to take the fight to the enemy while I touched off a full broadside of cannon fire. A couple of the cannonballs actually hit the other ship, which was great considering they hadn’t really been aimed that well.
I knew I couldn’t get the cannons reloaded all by myself, and the rest of the crew didn’t really know much about how to do that anyway. I bitterly regretted not forcing them to run practice drills.
With not many other options, I swung the wheel over to present the other side of the ship to fire the other half of our cannons. As the bow turned through the wind, an enemy cannonball nearly took my head off. It was only reflexes and luck that gave me a happy ending. Probably not the same qualities that would get you a happy ending from an Asian hooker.
I saw Rainbow distracting the moose, so I guided the ship a little closer to make a shot easier. I was just about to touch off the cannons when they spotted us and fired a barrage of their own.
Splinters flew everywhere and our masts came down. I was a little surprised to be alive. That surprise quickly turned into terror when both ninja and pirate moose began pouring over the rails.
“Prepare to repel boarders!” I shouted.
“Too late!” yelled Applejack.
I drew my cutlasses and prepared for battle. We were outnumbered and the moose had more weapons. I cut my first attacker down, but then tripped over his body and found myself at the business end of a katana. The ninja tensed in preparation to make sushi out of me, but then he got hit in the face by a falcon. I took the opportunity to stick the moose in the gut. Admiral and I shared a quick wing-hoof high five and went back to the battle.
Unfortunately, the same situation quickly occurred again, but this time Admiral wasn’t around to save me. Instead, my attacker got hit in the face by a dolphin.
I looked around. Dozens of the sea creatures were coming aboard. Twilight was still on the deck squeaking quietly. I figured she must have learned to speak Dolphin during her time with them. I had no idea whether she had meant to summon them, but I was happy that she had.
I tossed her limp form onto my back and picked my way through the crowd of fighting moose and dolphins. The ponies, Spike, and I made it aboard the moose ship which by now was abandoned. Admiral Falcon joined us.
We watched the battle for a while. I almost touched off the cannons but refrained when I remembered all the gold that was still in the hold aboard Bacon . Eventually, the dolphins won out, and we went to meet them.
“Fancy seeing you again, Twilight,” said one of them.
She nodded. “Hello Bottlebutt. Sorry I wasn’t much help trying to take over that island.”
He waved a flipper. “No worries. Stupid prophecies anyway, right?”
“Wait a minute,” I said, “Bottlebutt ?”
“We can’t all be noses,” he explained, with a touch of sadness I thought.
“If you help us fix up our ship, we’ll gladly give you this one as a spoil of war,” offered Twilight. Bottlebutt accepted her offer, and soon we had all the dolphins doing woodwork and cleaning the dead moose off the decks.
Dolphin carpenters aren’t much for ability, but they make up for it with enthusiasm. Soon, we were ready to go again and the dolphins were happy to sail away in the moose ship. Why exactly dolphins needed a ship was a question that never really came up.
“So, you speak Dolphin, huh?” I asked Twilight.
“I didn’t think I could, but apparently I can.” She looked bewildered. “I didn’t mean to. I guess just whatever nervous noises I make are subconsciously cries for help in dolphin language.”
Weird. Anyway, after we parted ways with the dolphins, we continued sailing on to Equestria. The pirate/research ship Bacon had served us well. It was a heck of a lot better than the old wreck Celestia had initially given us.
We were all in high spirits upon entering the Fillydelphia Naval Yard, the place where we had started this crazy trip. Unfortunately, they took us for pirates, research notes be damned.
Princess Celestia came to get us out. She was a little concerned about our lack of communication on the trip, and we were still debating whether to tell her what had happened to her student along the way. Twilight was unsure how it would sound that she disobeyed her Captain, was made to walk the plank, joined the dolphins, and invaded the shore.
In fact, there were a lot of things that had happened in international waters that we all didn’t want to tell Celestia. She seemed to sense this, and took us for a walk down by the water. I wasn’t sure whether she thought we would loosen up with some sea air, or what. I'm sure we were all thinking about the gold, too. I know I was. Hopefully, I would get to keep it. The ponies would probably want to divide it into fair shares. Heh, they were so cute when they were trying to be fair.
“You all seem quiet,” the Princess observed. We said nothing. Trying a different tactic, she chuckled. “I suppose I could break the ice. Would you like to hear a funny story about Twilight?”
“Yes!” said everyone who wasn’t a purple unicorn.
“Well you see, there was this one time in magic kindergarten…”
Twilight opened her mouth to say something but only managed a nervous squeak. A dolphin jumped out of the water and hit Celestia in the face.
Author Note: Well, that was a weird story. Want more? Try the original, A Dream . Now with 50+ chapters and all the lovable Valiant you could want!
The large ship approached. I saw tiny figures moving along the deck. They were bipedal. A rope was thrown across and Twilight secured it. Two men, yes men, slid across on the rope and came to rest on the deck.
“Hey guys,” I said. “How’s it going?”
The looked at each other and one of them spoke in a language I didn’t recognize. Judging by his expression, it was probably something along the lines of Dude, did that pony just talk?
I was temporarily stunned by the language barrier. After finding that ponies, griffons, dragons, and everything else spoke English, it was a bit of a shock.
One of the men suddenly drew a samurai sword and sliced the rope holding the boats together. His companion seemed irate and pulled out his own weapon. They commenced to duel.
“Well that’s…weird,” I said. “You’re both weird!” I shouted.
“Popcorn?” asked Pinkie.
“Thanks.” I took the bag from her and munched away while watching the two guys go at it.
“I don’t understand what’s going on,” said Twilight, her eye twitching. “I don’t like it when I don’t understand.”
“I figure this is just a dream,” I said. I clopped a hoof against my head and found that it didn’t hurt.
“Cool.” I wandered over to the crate of apples. I picked one up and tossed it towards the flurry of swordplay. It came hurtling back, neatly sliced. I giggled.
Beside me, Applejack was chomping apple after apple. “Think maybe you should slow down?” I asked.
“Buck you! I can eat all these apples!” she shouted.
I shrugged. “If you’re sure.” I turned to survey the rest of the ship.
Rarity was turning slowly in front of a campfire she had built on deck. It seemed like she was getting nicely browned.
Fluttershy was attempting to start a chainsaw that had appeared out of nowhere. I wondered what she was going to do with it.
Twilight’s facial tic continued to get worse, and she had begun to grind her teeth.
Pinkie continued eating popcorn, only now she was doing it out of Rainbow’s skull. I hadn’t noticed when the switch had occurred.
“Ooooookay, this is turning out just a little weirder than I wanted,” I said. “Can we go back to watching the swordfight now?”
None of them appeared to hear me. Fluttershy got the chainsaw started and began hacking and slashing indiscriminately. Rarity appeared to have caught fire. Applejack was lying comatose on the deck, stomach stretched out. Twilight seemed to be constructing some kind of satanic summoning circle. Pinkie continued eating, watching the show.
I jumped overboard. If it was a dream, I figured it would be okay if I died. I didn’t plan on the water being suspiciously wet and hard to breathe.
Oh my, I’ve made a terrible mistake, I thought, or words to that effect. I became aware of a pounding on my chest and suddenly found myself being given CPR in the middle of a thunderstorm. The drowning feeling had apparently been caused by rain going down my nose as I lay on my back.
Unfortunately, as a side effect of having my life saved, I found myself eye-to-eye with Twilight, her lips on mine. I sat up and slugged her in the face as hard as I could.
“Yep, he’s back,” I heard Spike say.
I got up, but couldn’t hold my balance and nearly went overboard for real. My head hurt, I was disoriented, and the rest of my body didn’t seem to be cooperating.
“What happened!” I shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly.
“Now calm down, sugarcube,” said Applejack. “You just had a little, well, a big little accident. You need to calm down before your skull splits wide open.”
I dropped to my rump, feeling my head. It didn’t seem to be the right shape. Luckily, my dizziness appeared aligned just right to actually be canceling out the motion of the ship.
“The mast tried to crack your noggin like a walnut,” said Pinkie. “Bad mast!”
The broken mast apologized for nothing.
“This kind of sucks,” I said. “We’ve just lost a whole bunch of sail power, not to mention the mast is also a significant structural component of the ship. The storm is only getting worse, Twilight’s out cold, nobody’s steering the ship, and I’m in so much pain it feels like my brain is trying to escape.”
“What are you saying, dear?” asked Rarity.
“We’ll be dead soon.”
They all gasped, except for Twilight, who lay motionless, hopefully drowning on rain.
“Well, I know what’s going to happen to me,” I said. “I'm going straight to Hell. Who's joining me? We can be Hell-mates together.”
“N-no, that can’t be true!” said Fluttershy.
“You’re so adorable when you’re naïve.”
“There’s gotta be somethin’ we can do!” shouted Applejack.
I raised my head. “How about we crash on those big rocks over there?”
They all turned to follow my gaze. As usual, Rainbow had failed to spot land, and we were now quite near. The wave action was only bringing us closer.
I suddenly realized that if we could hold the ship fast to the rocks, at the very least it wouldn’t be repeatedly slammed against them. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but at this point I didn’t give a shit.
Wobbling, I picked up a thick rope in my mouth. One end was fastened securely to the deck. As the ship got closer to shore, I managed to climb a short distance into the rigging. There was a notch between two rocks that might hold the rope if I could get it in there.
Carefully timing the waves, I waited until the right moment and launched myself across the gap. The rope trailed out behind me just as I had expected it to, catching the indentation on the rocks like I hoped.
The slack went out of the rope, and the sudden change in direction rattled my teeth. I found myself speeding back towards the rocks, face-first.
I like to think that if the rope wasn’t in my mouth, I would have said something heroic.
