Psychquestria

by IAmNotSmartest

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Human
Length: 4012

A technically 'insane' human is dropped in Equestria by a misfired teleportation, crossed by the stars. Of course, this first thing he does in agitate the ponies in various rude ways. Both intentionally and unintentionally.

When Ross Gregory gets pulled to Equestria via an alignment of the stars crossing the wires of a teleportation spell, his first instinct is to get really pissed off. With no way back for another year, he's going to need to live there for the duration of his 'kidnapping'. It doesn't help that he's not quite right in the head either. Being neurotic and having three voices in your head can really screw around with the relations he'll make.
Rated Teen for colorful language.
(Would love an editor, if you're offering.)
(If anyone can come up with a better title, please PM me. -_-;)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-27 14:43:42 UTC

Alignment of the Stars (Self-edited)

Twilight only meant to teleport upstairs. She wanted to get a good look at the alignment of the stars through her telescope in the observatory. She was taking notes for Luna, who was home sick in bed. Who knew even alicorns got the cold? The stars only aligned like this once a year, and she was in charge of making sure that they aligned properly and normally. Otherwise, she'd have to tell Celestia about it so they could be fixed. Honestly, that was pretty much it. So when she landed on top of this nearly-hairless-covered-in-cloth thing, she was as freaked out as it was. Well, maybe not quite as freaked out. First it began swearing like a sailor. It called her things that offended her great great grandmother's grave. Then it shoved her off of itself (even as she made the effort to do so herself), got up on two legs, and proceeded to brush off it's clothing with it's forelegs. Then it held up the center appendage of it's... claws in a gesture she didn't recognize. It wore a hooded burgundy shirt, black canvas pants, and rubber-bottomed white shoes. The little hair it did have was atop it's head, brown and wavy in all directions. The eyes were grey as storm clouds.

"Screw you!" it intoned. "And everything you and your family stand for!"

"I'm sorry, I don't-"

"Where the hell am I? Did you do this?" it said angrily. "Did you kidnap me?"

"Well, yes and no, I-"

"Which is it?" it demanded.

Twilight got mad. She bound it's forelegs to it's sides and held him airborne, and silenced him so it'd stop ranting. "Yes, I brought you here. No, I didn't do it on purpose, so no, I didn't kidnap you. You're in my home, and you will not insult me or boss me around like that, okay?"

The vision of the creature's grey eyes softened, and a different, less angry light took the place of the inferno that they beheld. It nodded. Twilight thought something about it had changed, but she was not sure exactly what. Twilight slowly lowered it down and released her mystic grip on it.

"My apologies, fair lady- I'm assuming you're a woman- I was simply confused and unsure of my situation, and such emotions end only in frustration. I trust you will forgive me for my rude behavior?"

Twilight was taken aback. This was nothing at all like how he- for at this point she was near certain of the gender- had just been acting. It was as if he had completely rewritten himself. Trepidation in her heart, she forgave him.

He clapped once. "Good! Great. Marvelous. Now, if I may ask, what exactly are you?"

"I'm an alicorn, and Princess of Friendship."

"'Alicorn?'"

"A cross between a unicorn, earth pony and Pegasus."

He snorted and shook his head. He muttered something about the 'correctness' of the Greeks and the ridiculousness of the situation. "You've already demonstrated magic on me, so that's irrefutable. I take it that as royalty this is a monarchy or something similar?"

"Similar. A Triarchy."

"Oh? Three royal rulers?"

"Yes. I'm one of them, and we have close ties with a fourth ruling a specific area to the north."

"Interesting. Do you have a name?"

"Twilight Sparkle. Do-"

"Ross. Ross Gregory."

Twilight giggled. "What an odd name."

"A name like yours would earn you little respect, knowing the nature of some humans. Then again, there are those who'd respect you for the boldness of the name. Hm."

"Human?"

"That'd be what I am. Evolved from apes, stood up straight."

"Oh, so a human is a nearly-hairless form of upright ape?"

"Fairly good description." Said Ross, mildly impressed. "You have apes here, but no humans? Curious."

"It is." Twilight said, catching herself staring before he did. Fascinating, a whole new sentient species...

"So where exactly am I?"

"Your in the observatory of my castle."

"Country?"

"Equestria?"

"Never heard of it. Not Earth, I'm guessing?"

"No, this is Equus."

"Excuse me a moment." Ross said, releasing a deep breath. He walked over to the balcony, staring off into the starry abyss above. Then he let loose a stream of profanities that flowed for a solid three minutes. When he finished, he turned to her with a smile.

"Well, it's been nice meeting you, Your Highness. Now, if you could kindly send me home so that we may never have to speak of this again...?"

"Oh! Of course. Hopefully the spell that brought you here should send you back..." He horn charged up a teleport spell, and launched it as a bolt at the human boy. He vanished.

"Well, that's settled. I should write about this in my-"

The door slammed open with a bang. Ross stood there, breathing heavily, . "You transported me... to fucking space... for an instant. I ought a kill you."

"I-I'm sorry, I thought-"

"Did you really? I'd never have guessed."

"Listen. I'm honestly sorry, but if that didn't work, then I can't get you home. The stars have moved since I teleported you here- accidentally, I might add- so there's no way I can take you back to those interstellar coordinates."

Ross took the nearest table and flipped it, then threw the comically large telescope off the balcony. He smashed a window with his bare fist, bloodying the glass and his hand. Twilight restrained him, finally overcoming her shock at the actions.

"Let go of me you royal bitch!" He yelled. His eyes seethed with rage unlike any she'd seen before, even in the darkness of Sombra himself. It wasn't with direction- it was just aimless, ready to snap up and burn anything that drew too close. But it wasn't entirely bad either. Within the rage, there was a warmth. A small consolation to the burning, but a kindness underlying it's unpleasantness. The light she'd seen earlier. The one who had spoken with her civilly was gone, consumed in this inferno.

"When you calm down, I'll let you down."

"Lemme go you purple prick!"

Twilight repeated herself. She sat down on a cushion near where the flipped table had been, resetting it's contents. She began to take notes on his behavior. First he would rage. For hours. Then he finally began to make logical and cordial sense. She released Ross, noticing it was nearly dawn at this point.

"Thank you," he said, flexing his bloodied hand. "It's rather uncomfortable to be totally immobilized."

"You're Neurotic, aren't you?" Twilight asked bluntly.

"Ah, finally. Someone who understands. It's annoying to explain that to someone who has no background knowledge. Do me a favor and don't go spreading that around. Better for first impressions."

"So I guess this means you apologize."

"Oh no. I'm still quite angry with you over this." He said, rubbing the dried blood off his hand. "I'm almost entirely not sorry for what I did."

"'Almost entirely?'"

"Long story. Making it short, I think in three personas, two of which hate you as of now. Lucky you!"

"Which one am I speaking to?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"I know, quite confusing. Say, we've been at this all night- I'm assuming you call the dark period night- shouldn't you sleep?"

"I should, but-"

"Now that I think of it, how are we speaking the same language?"

"Equestria has a mass translation spell laid across it. So we can communicate with the gryphons and cows."

"Ah. But it is early, and even I was on my way home to sleep when I got here. I feel like it would be best for both of us if we were to take a rest, however brief."

"I..." Twilight found it difficult to disagree. She was growing tired and frustrated of this... human. "I guess that's a good idea. Come on, I think I have a guest room nearby."

Understanding.

Ross gently opened the well oiled door to Twilight's bedroom. It had been the third room he'd checked, finding a restroom, second guest bedroom, and an empty room with no discernible purpose. He held a pillow in hand loosely as he slowly crept up to the alicorn in her bed. She was sound asleep, despite the daylight streaming into the room through the open window. Delicately he position the pillow over her face. Then he pressed down with all his might. Immediately Twilight awoke and struggled against him, flailing her hooves and knocking him in the jaw. Still he pressed down, determined to get vengeance. Twilight, panic leeching away with her oxygen, remembered she could use magic, and she teleported and reappeared flying just outside the window, where she hovered, panting.

"What the heck was that?" She gasped.

"Attempted murder." He said darkly. He then grabbed the lamp, smashed it in half on the nightstand, and threw the jagged object at the princess. She dodged it narrowly, and it smashed on the ground far below. Twilight, in retaliation, fired off a concussive bolt of energy at the boy, launching him across the room and against the wall, where he lay unconscious.

When he awoke he was tied to a chair. He could feel ropes around his ankles, waist, and wrists. He looked up and was met with the faces of six ponies and some kind of upright lizard.

"Hi." he said simply. "Where am I?"

"The dungeon," Twilight said. "Celestia, I never thought I'd need this place..."

"Ooh, does this dungeon have anyone else? 'Cause If you guys leave it'll be boring." he said with a British accent. "Who are you, anyway?"

"That's not important," Said the blue pegasus. "What is important is that you just tried killing our friend."

"I did? Oh yeah, I did. Sorry about that. I'm told I've got a wicked temper. Real nasty."

"Why are you speaking with an accent?" Twilight asked, confused.

"Why aren't you? If it's bothering anyone, I'll stop. It's just fun."

"On a more serious note," Said the white unicorn. "We need to figure out what to do with you. You're aggressive and violent and must be punished."

Ross's brow darkened. "I couldn't agree more, miss. What I did was terrible and I must be reprimanded."

The ponies and lizard looked to one another in surprise. They hadn't expected him to agree so quickly. Or at all, really.

"So? What'll it be?"

"You aren't going to be punished." Twilight stated.

"What? That's it? Really?" The blue one said incredulously.

"I'm with Rainbow, that don't seem right." Said the orange pony.

"It's my judgement, and it is final." Twilight said, somewhat uncomfortable with using her princess authority.

"I... Very well then." Ross said, looking away. "But why, if I may ask?"

"Because it's not your entirely fault, and you're not entirely unjustified. You're here because of me. I stole you from your life for at least a year. However, the reason it's not entirely your fault is because of what we discussed in the observatory. You lack control, is all. " Twilight said, undoing his bonds.

"I see. I thank you for your kindness." Ross said, standing. He was two times taller than any of the ponies, and four times the height of the lizard. "Now, again if I may ask, who are these ponies and this... Lizard?"

"Hey! I'm a Dragon!" He huffed. "And my name is Spike."

"Ah. Well then, I figure your name begins with 'Rainbow'...?" He asked the airborne pegasus.

"Rainbow Dash." Ross extended a hand. She looked at it and turned away.

Ross shrugged, then turned to the white unicorn. "And you?"

"Rarity, darling. My name is Rarity."

"Pleasant to meet you." He didn't bother extending his hand again. Turning to the orange pony, he asked the same question.

"Name's AppleJack." She began to tip her hat, but stopped herself mid-motion.

"A pleasure. And you would be?"

"Pinkie Pie!" Shouted the bubblegum colored mare in his face.

Ross pretended to clean out an ear, then turned to the last pony. "You've been rather quiet. Who are you?"

She muttered something too softly to hear.

"Hm?"

"My name is FlutterShy..." She whispered.

"Okay, everyone, this is Ross Gregory." Twilight introduced. "He'll be a guest in my castle until the time comes when I can send him home. On one condition."

"What?" Ross asked, already knowing what it was.

"If you hurt anypony, you are subject to all Equestrian laws and regulations regarding the damage. From here on out."

"... Deal." Ross extended his hand, and Twilight met it and they shook on it. "I'm sorry, by the way. I nearly forgot to say so."

"It's... It's alright, Ross. It's... fine." Twilight said, trailing off.

Non-Believer

Twilight's friends, having met her attempted assassin, had to leave, having their own respective jobs and duties to attend to. Ross walked with Twilight and Spike through the main hall of the castle, and upstairs to the observatory. They sat around the previously flipped table, Ross uncomfortably forcing his knees underneath it.

"So," He began. "I will be quite honest with you; I have little interest in anything not concerning returning home, but believe this is an opportunity for an information exchange."

"You mean I tell you about Equestria-"

"And I tell you of Earth." He finished. "So? Where do we begin? We've already covered forms of government, so why not use that as a launch pad of sorts?"

"Okay then. Celestia is the eldest of us three, Luna her sister, and I her student. Well, I used to be her student."

"An heir to the throne?"

"That works," Twilight said, magically summoning a tea set from the castle kitchens. She offered the boy some, but he declined. "Celestia is the one who chose me when I was still a unicorn to become her student."

"You weren't always a... what did you call it... Alicorn?"

"No, born a unicorn. Celestia made me an Alicorn when I passed her final trial. Alicorns are immortal crosses between Earth Ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns. Anyways, Each of us have a specific duty that helps the world function. Celestia and Luna raise the sun and moon respectively, and I spread the magic of friendship to all of Equestria-"

"Hang on a second. 'Raise the sun and moon?'"

"Well, yeah. Keep the day and night cycle going."

"You mean your sun orbits the planet?"

"No, she raises it in the sky. Same with the moon." Twilight said slowly.

"Is this why she rules?"

"In part, yes."

Ross stood up, rubbing the bridge of his nose, eyes closed. "I can see I must explain something to you that you won't want to hear." He took a deep breath. "The-sun-is-orbited-by-smaller-bodies-or-planets-and-moons-orbit-the-planets, meaning-your-teacher-is-a-liar-and-your-fellow-rulers-are-deceivers."

Twilight blinked."What?"

"They don't control the celestial bodies. It's impossible."

"I've done it myself! I had to make the sun rise when the other three princesses conveyed their power unto me."

"I don't believe you."

"But it's true!"

"You cannot sway me with your lies. You may have the ability to use magic- that I believe- but controling the cycle of day and night? That would be a no."

"Neither of us can prove our points, so can we just call this an impasse and move on?"

"Of course. What of your religions?"

"Religions?"

"Beliefs. Gods, deities, et cetera."

"We don't really have too many widespread religions, then. Some worship Alicorns, but that's generally discouraged."

"Earth has a wide variety of religions, many of which are variations of one another. Generally they're monotheistic, but there are and were a few that aren't. Personally, I'm atheist. I choose not to believe in a greater power or force, or whatever you'd call it. But the majority do believe in one. Or more. I can't really list this information accurately, I can't remember all the kinds of religions there are."

Spike stopped his note-taking to accept some tea from Twilight. "Sounds complicated."

"Oh, you don't know the half of it. And I won't taint your society with that other part. Unless you're comfortable about hearing of death and war." Ross raised a brow.

"Perhaps later." Twilight said, looking at Spike's notes. "I think it's about time we took you into town, familiarized you with it. You'll be around for a year, so it's going to be like a second home for you."

"Yes. Thanks for that, again." Ross said, glowering.

Twilight did not get the glare he put on. She was already halfway out the door, Spike following along on his short legs. Ross sighed. Today was going to be just peachy.

Wandering (Attention)

Ross looked about as he strode aside the Princess, and the dragon atop her back. He took note of the seemingly impossible nature of the physics the architecture relied on. Some buildings seemed to lack supports entirely, while others looked ready to collapse in on themselves. The trio passed by a blackened crater in the ground, with a scorched stump at it's center.

"What happened here?" Ross asked Twilight.

"It's a long story. That used to be our town library and my home." She sighed. "It's gone now, though."

"I can see that. An earthworm could see that." Ross said, seeing burned bits of paper drift about in the ruins of the library. "Why have you not replanted?"

"The ground has been rendered infertile by the dark magics that destroyed the tree-library."

"Can you not cleanse it?"

"I've tried, but the spell is too powerful even for me to break."

"That's unfortunate."

"I know." Twilight said, staring at the splintered wood and twigs. "Let's move on."

They continued their route through town, eventually coming to the market. Ponies stared at Ross, unabashed until they met his glare.

"So, I take it you have a form of currency?" Ross asked.

"Yes, we do. Small golden coins called bits and various jewels make up our money." Twilight said, gesturing to a pony paying for some carrots with said items.

"Such things are commenplace here? On earth they would be worth a fortune. Hundreds of dollars."

"Dollars are your currency, I guess?"

"Yes, but not all over the planet. Just in my country. They're paperlike, but made from cotton, in actuallity. Those, combined with smaller valued coins of nonprecious metals, make up the money where I live."

"That's quite descriptive."

"Is it? I tend to remember things like that very easily. If only useful facts were as easily remembered. Although now they're useful, come to think of it." Ross rambled. "Nevermind that, I suppose you won't give me money, and mine is worthless here, so I'll need a job."

"I can give you some mon-"

"No no, it wouldn't feel right. Not after my actions. I should be considered a felon here, by all rights. No, I'm going to find work and earn money for myself."

"That's very... mature, I suppose is the best word."

"More like foolhardy," Ross muttered under his breath. Then, speaking aloud, "Thank you Twilight. Now, onwards?"

Spike suggested the group visit the bakery, as it was nearing lunch, and 'Ross might find work there,' as he said. So as they stepped up to the counter, Twilight pulling out a small bag of coins from beneath her wing, only Ross recieved a surprise by seeing Pinkie Pie popping up from behind it.

"Hi Twilight! Hi Spike!" She greeted her friends. Then she turned to Ross. "Um, hi Ross Gregory." She said awkwardly.

"Just Ross is fine," Ross replied.

"Hi Just Ross." Pinkie said with more confidence.

The boy sighed. He looked at the various pastries displayed in the counter-display. All of them looked as if they could give him a sugar high to trump all others. In the end, Twilight and him both decided to try the cinnamon buns while Spike chose a sapphire cupcake. They sat by the window, ponies still ogling the human as they walked by. Pinkie decided to take her lunch break and join them for the meal.

"This is delicious," Ross said, wiping the icing from his face with a napkin. "But hell if I don't get a heart attack from this thing."

"What's hell?" Spike asked, having swallowed his meal whole.

"Hm... the underworld? Not heaven? Land of the damned? I don't really believe in it, but it's good for a frame of reference."

"Oh, you mean Tartarus."

"Ah. More Greek mythology. Well, it's not as if it's real anyways."

"Tartarus is real," Twilight corrected. "I've been to it's gates myself. I had to bring cerberus back."

"Oh, ha ha, very funny. Play me for a fool."

"She's serious. Tartarus is where the evil creatures of Equestria are sent."

"No kidding? So it really is the land of the damned. Or a prison."

"Yeah, I think it's closer to the second thing you said." Spike said, licking the frosting from his lips.

Ross clapped once, drawing attention to him unnecessarily. "So! Pinkie Pie, I don't suppose you know if this establishment is hiring at the moment?" He said this very quickly, not unlike how the hyperactive mare herself does from time to time.

"What?" She asked.

"Are your employers looking for more employees?" He rephrased.

"No, not right now. The bakery only really needs the Cakes and I, and I double as the babysitter every once in a while."

"Shame, that is. I've been told I can make really good pineapple upside-down cake. For some reason though, I never can get it to stay upside-down."

Twilight, Spike,and Pinkie looked to one another, confused.

"That was an attempt at a joke," Ross explained. "A failed attempt, as it were."

"Oh," they said uncomfortably. There was a moment of total silence among them, and then Pinkie spoke up.

"Hey, Just Ross," She said. "This is gonna sound weird, but do you like parties?"

"Eh... Crowds give me a headache. So does loud noise. A lot of things do, come to think of it." He said "But, a part of me does like them. Why? You weren't planning on starting one for me?"

"W-what? How did you-"

"It was rather obvious what you had in mind."

"Well, usually I plan a surprise party for the new ponies in town, but for you, I wasn't so sure." Pinkie elaborated. "You don't seem the type. But it never hurts to ask! So, is that a yes or a no?"

"Flip a coin, I'm never good at deciding on these things." He said, leaning back on the stool. Forgetting it was a stool, he leaned until he fell off with a flailing of his arms. He popped up, bouncing on his toes. "I'm okay. Okay."

The other three giggled, Spike laughing outright.

"Okay then. I'll take that as a yes."

"Thanks! You know, here I thought you'd hate my slimy guts for  what I did." Ross said, clapping a hand over his mouth as soon as the words were out. "Oh- I, uh- Forget that second part!"

Another silence settled in among the four.

"... So..." Ross said, stopping his bouncing, looking down at the floor. "I, uh, guess I'll be going then..."

"Nah, it's okay. You didn't totally mean it, and you apologized." Pinkie said with a small smile. "Besides, I already got party supplies stashed upstairs in my room. It'd be a shame if they went to waste."

"But they don't spoil or any- Ooh," Ross said, slowly grinning. "Thanks. Again. Really."

"No problem!" Pinkie said. She looked at her foreleg. "Oh, would you look at the time! I gotta get back to work! I'll see you tomorrow!" And with that, the bubbly mare returned to her station as the trio left Sugar Cube Corner.

"She's nice." Ross said. "A little too upbeat, but nice."

"That's pretty up front of you, Ross." Twilight said with an eyebrow raised.

"Yup."

"... That's all you got to say about that?"

"Mm-hm." Ross said, hands behind his head as he looked at the pegasi moving the clouds above.

Strange, thought Twilight. He was much less direct earlier. I wonder if this is what he meant by three personas... Furious, Cordial, and... this?