And Then Spacestar Ordering Happened…

by Shark8

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Doctor Whooves, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Other, Sex, Random, Crossover
Length: 6164

When Jen rebuffs Douglas Reynholm's advances saying that she'd be with him when her entire department got ponies, but not just any ponies, talking ponies he turns to the only thing that can possibly help: Spaceology's “Spacestar

Every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true — wishes that have come true because of something called spacestar ordering, which is based on the twin scientific principles of “Star Maths” and “Wishy Thinking” — this is what Spaceology (a religion, not a cult) is all about.

So it is to this deep and powerful understanding of the true nature of the universe that Douglas Reynholm turns when Jen, a co-worker he has his eye on, sarcastically remarks that they could be together when she [and her department] have magical talking ponies.

What ensues is obviously “weirder than a fire at a sea parks”.
(Teen and sex for innuendo, jokes, and some situational comedy.)

Published 2014-07-20 02:40:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-20 02:40:09 UTC

Reynholm

Reynholm

Two Weeks Ago

“I wish I had remembered to lock my door.” Jen sighed as Douglas Reynholm poked his head through her office door.

“Hello, Jen.” Reynholm said, posing against the doorframe, sticking his butt out and looking at her over his shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine Mr. Reynholm.” she replied, obviously not fine, trying her best to ignore her boss.

“I want you, Jen…” Reynholm said, clenching his butt and swinging it up and down, and just as she was about to open her mouth to protest the sexual harassments he continued, “to do good work.”

“I’ll do my best, Mr. Reynholm.” She said hesitantly replied, hoping that this visit would end quickly.

“I also want you sexually.” He said, now staring deeply, and disturbingly into her eyes. “What would it take for me to… get you?”

“Ponies.” Jen said with a dry sarcasm, then remembering that, as head of Reynholm Industries, Douglass Reynholm had enough money to buy dozens of ponies she amended her demand with a smile: “Ponies for everyone in the IT department; and not normal ponies, magical, talking ponies!”

“Magical talking ponies.” he repeated, “Are you sure about this Jen.”

“Positive, Mr. Reynholm… there’s no way I could be with you unless I had a magical, talking pony.” She said, ushering him to the door of her office, “I have work to do; you know, IT work, with the mouse and e-mail and… screen-thing.”

“Yes, I know... you with all your technical jargon, I just wish there was some way that I could take you home.” Reynholm said, looking over his shoulder as he left her office.

Twelve Hours Ago

“Say, Mr. Reynholm, how did the cosmos grant you a helicopter?” Moss asked, oozing interest as he was having fun with the newest craze that their boss had bought in to, “a religion, not a cult” called ‘Spaceology’.

“Well, I visualized the thing I wanted — in my case it was a helicopter — I drew a picture of a helicopter, on a piece of paper; then I stood, with my back to space, threw the paper over my shoulder and wished really hard.” Douglas Reynholm replied, smiling and gesticulating as he recounted the steps he’d taken.

“But when you say that you stood with your back to space…” Roy started, obviously with a question.

“Yes?” Douglas asked, prompting Roy’s question.

“How… how exactly did you achieve that?”

“I waited till night time.” Reynholm replied.

Moss made a ‘there you go’ gesture with his hand. “Of course.”

“A couple of days later I bought myself a helicopter.” Douglas Reynholm leaned back to peer into Jen’s office to yell “Explain that one, if you can!”

He paused to see her there, over her desk, not even looking at him… and then he remembered what he needed: Ponies… he needed to get her, and her entire department, ponies.

Present Day

Reynholm lifted his black pen from the paper and examined his work. He had just finished drawing his picture — a stick figure for Jen, Roy, Moss, and himself (he’d decided that if they were going to get a magical talking pony then he would, too... oh, what about a unicorn? that would be awesome!) and misshapen blobs for their ponies… they needed something more, after all this was a very special wish, so he looked in his drawer and found a few pens, a colored pencil, and half a Butterfinger.

Devouring the Butterfinger, he colored the ponies various nonsensical colors… red, orange, purple, blue… hey, if they were magical then they could have more interesting colors, right? Sadly though, Roy’s pony got a smear of chocolate on it that must’ve been from the Butterfinger which stained it a more regular brown.

Finally his work was really and truly complete. So he stood with his back towards space and threw the picture over his shoulder while wishing really, really hard.

Author's Note

So, this is what I prioritized over P**7's development... I hope you like it.

Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash rolled over, her normally soft bed of clouds seemed to be rather warm, lumpy, bumpy, and… full of a body?

Looking around in the dark room, she saw the figure under the covers move, groan out something, and reach over to a fixture near the bed: a lamp… which was quite odd, because she didn’t have a lamp by her bed.

Suddenly the room was flooded with light.

There before her sat a disturbing creature: it had hair that reminded her of a sponge, but only on the top of its head, the rest of it was bald skin with an off-beige coloring… it was pawing at something on the end-table next to the bed and came away with something that looked oddly like goggles or glasses before shoving them on its face.

“Ah, a pony!” It shouted, pointing a finger in her direction, which caused a startled shriek from Rainbow Dash — not that she’d ever admit it — followed shortly by a giant hug.

“I can’t believe it.” his voice cried, the joy plain as day, “My very own pony!”

“Um, hey…” Rainbow Dash tried to say something by the whole situation was so awkward, at least twenty percent more awkward than when she’d been nicknamed ‘Rainbow Crash’… the first time.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash asked when she recovered from the shock. “Wh-who are you?”

“Oh, I’m Moss… Maurice Moss, but everybody calls me Moss… just Moss.” the creature, apparently named Moss nervously replied, still hugging her… then he stopped as his hands found appendages that weren’t normally on a pony: her wings.

“Wings… you’re a pegasus.” Moss said, in a tone of unbelief, as if pegasi were some sort of mythological creature suddenly come to life; his face blossomed into a bright smile, and he literally bounced as he declared “I have a pegasus-pony in my room! A pegasus.”

“Uh, yeah…” Rainbow Dash elegantly replied, “I am a pegasus-pony.”

“This is brilliant, just brilliant!” Moss shouted, “I’ve got to call Roy!”

Moss threw the covers aside ans scrambled to a dresser pulling something small off the top and, after a moment of waiting, talked into it… his face suddenly drooped and he looked rather sad as he put whatever it was back.

“Apparently Roy’s not feeling too well,” Moss said, his earlier exuberant joy completely gone replaced with a look of disappointment, “Seems he had the doctor make a house call…”

“Who’s Roy?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“He’s my best friend…” Moss said, shuffling his feet as he looked at the ground. He indicated the cyan pegasus, “I wanted to tell him about you.”

For some reason this made Rainbow Dash feel for the guy, as she was reminded, just a little, of her friend Fluttershy. It wasn’t much, but maybe just a similar awkwardness around ponies they don’t know, and a tendency to get excited about creatures they hadn’t seen before. Rainbow Dash thought quickly about what she could do to escape the uncomfortable feeling…

“Well, I am the coolest, most awesome pegasus in all of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash declared with as much pride as she could, hoping that the boasting would put things back to a place where she was comfortable.

“Obviously.” Moss replied, indicating the bright blue pegasus, “I mean you’re here talking to me in my room, how is that not awesome?”

Rainbow Dash was stunned for a second, she hadn’t expected him, a complete stranger, to accept the claim so readily. Well, maybe he was smarter than he looked… her train of thought was interrupted by her belly rumbling.

“Oh, are you hungry?” Moss asked. “I’ll ask my mum to make you something too.”

● ● ● ● ●

Twenty minutes later Rainbow Dash and her new friend made their way down to the kitchen for breakfast, her mind still reeling from having a game (Magic the Darkening) explained to her… there were just so many rules and interactions. To be able to remember all of them Moss must be an egghead or something.

Anyway, they came to the table and the food, which Moss called a “Full English Breakfast”, smelled great — there were fried eggs, grilled tomatoes, puddings, toast, hash browns, sauteed mushrooms, and two items she couldn’t identify: two long calendrical brown things, and two wide undulating strips of… something.

In any case it was delicious, especially the two unidentified items which Moss told her were “sausage” and “bacon”, respectively. She wondered for a moment about getting the recipe because she’d never had anything quite so interesting in Equestria, the textures and flavors were all so new.

“Let’s go outside, Moss.” Rainbow Dash suggested, as Moss cleared the breakfast dishes from the table.

“Um, yeah… are you sure you want to? I mean it’s all outsidy with trees, and thunderclouds, and bullies, and squirrels, and everything.” Moss protested.

“Yes! Let’s go.” Rainbow Dash replied, wondering if perhaps the bullies and squirrels were the same thing, after all Fluttershy was constantly being bullied by her ‘pet’ rabbit, Angel.

After pushing her way out of the house, leaving Moss to chase after her she soared high in the sky, pulling off a few aerobatic stunts for a few minutes before her conscience got the better of her — she couldn’t just leave her new, if somewhat odd, friend in the lurch (especially after breakfast)… it just wouldn’t be loyal.

She soon found herself alternately hovering around Moss’s shoulder-level or swinging a wide orbit above and around his head. On about the third orbit she asked:

“So, what’s there to do around here?”

“Well, there’s a Sea Parks…” Moss suggested, “I’ve always wanted to go to Sea Parks with a pony.”

“What’s a ‘Sea Parks’?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Only the funnest, wettest, most splish-splashy place in the world!” Moss enthusiastically replied.

● ● ● ● ●

“That was awesome!” Rainbow Dash declared as they walked back from their day at the Sea Parks, “I never thought that otters and sea lions could be so cool!”

“I told you it was great.” Moss said, so happy at being right and talking with his pegasus-friend that he didn’t notice the group of people on the bench… three bullies.

“Stupid hair!” said one bully.

“Dem glasses is shit, innit?” said the next.

“Dorky jacket, mate!” the last yelled out.

Completely blind-sided by the hurtful comments he immediately started crying and running — not that the result would have been any different if he wasn’t blind-sided — dropping the bag of Sea Parks merchandise as he tried to make his escape.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash interjected, flying between Moss and his tormenters, “That’s my friend! You’d better apologize.”

“Yeah?” one of the bullies belligerently bespoke battle.

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, reading for a fight.

“You wanna make us, little horsey?” another bully asked, sneering at the pegasus.

“Um, that’s a pegasus.” the last said, trying to get his fellows to see the… uniqueness of the situation.

“Sure!” Rainbow Dash said, closing the distance between them.

The second bully lunged at her, but she dove and clipped his leg, throwing him off balance, and looped back to face them again.

“I’m the toughest pony in all of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash gloated, egging them on with a rude gesture — though it was lost on them as they weren’t ponies.

Five minutes later Rainbow Dash had reduced the three humans to painful piles. There were three broken bones, one of which was a complex fracture, multiple contusions and a few lacerations.

Seeing the carnage that Rainbow Dash wrought upon the bullies, Moss was tempted to smile and walk away… but, no, they really needed to be seen by the emergency services, so he pulled out his phone and, singing the number so he could remember it, he dialed 0118-999-881-999-119-725…3.

● ● ● ● ●

Arriving back at the flat Rainbow Dash settled down to wait for dinner, something that Moss called Smarties cereal, but looked like candy in a bowl of milk it tasted… different.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Moss said pulling out the bag of merchandise and pulling out a tee-shirt, “I’ve got to fix this for you.”

Ten minutes after his work at the sewing machine and Rainbow Dash had her a shirt with holes for her wings — it had been an awesome day for Equestria’s most awesome mare.

Roy

Roy

Roy rolled over to bump into something hard, something bony, something warm… a body? In his bed?

Prying an eye open he was treated to the sight of a small horse’s head laying on the pillow next to him.

‘Eh, I knew I shouldn’t have watched The Godfather last night…’ he grumbled to himself as he rolled over to try to go back to sleep.

The movement however had woken his guest who jumped up in excitement at what he saw, “A human! A real-live human!”

“Go to sleep.” Roy launched a pillow at the Doctor’s head… then several things struck him:

(1) he was in bed with a horse,

(2) the horse had talked,

(3) the voice was male,

(4) the horse was leveling a ridiculous and more than somewhat disturbing grin at him, and

(5) he still had a hangover.

‘Ah, crap… what did I do?’ Roy asked himself as he pulled himself to a sitting position.

“I’m the Doctor, and you are…” The horse said, extending a hoof.

“...still drunk, I think.” Roy said, blinking at the hoof.

“Well, you are Irish, right?” the Doctor asked, grinning at the joke.

“I don’t see what that has to do with having a horse in my bed,” Roy replied, indicating the other side of the bed, “especially one that talks and thinks it’s a doctor.”

“No, not a doctor, the Doctor.” the Doctor corrected.

“Whatever… it still doesn’t explain why you’re in my bed.”

“No, it doesn’t…” the Doctor agreed.

There was a long pause as the two looked at each other.

“So… what are you doing in my bed?”

“Haven’t a clue, honestly.” the Doctor answered with a grin.

“Well, you know… it’s not exactly a common occurrence.”

“What isn’t?”

“Waking up with a horse in my bed.”

“Oh, come on now, we’ve already gone over that.”

“But. There’s. A. Horse. In. My. Bed.”

“Yes.” The Doctor said flatly. “And, what are you going to do about it?”

Roy sighed and massaged his temples before reaching down to the floor by the head of the bed, retrieving a bottle. After a few swigs he gestured the bottle toward the Doctor.

“Why not?” The Doctor shrugged, taking the bottle from his new friend.

● ● ● ● ●

“Now… let’sh wash this.” Roy slurred, holding up a DVD case for the Doctor to read, but the way his hand kept moving made it really hard to lock on to.

“Wah’zit?” the Doctor asked as he tried, and failed, to read it.

“Jus tha best-est science-fiction the U.K. has to offer… an’ thish fitz tha sheashon.” Roy replied as he set the DVD in the player and set it to play.

After the anti-piracy ad played the first scenes of the film played out: Earth, as seen from space, zooming in on England; a Christmas tree and a blond woman fiddling about with presents, then a auto-shop with a black youth hearing something strange…

The Doctor thought they looked strangely familiar. Almost as if…

The next scene the TARDIS burst out of the sky in the alleyway, careening off a building or three before coming to rest…

“Wha!?” the Doctor pointed a hoof at the screen, “It’s the TARDIS!”

“Zzz’ctly, my good Doctor.” Roy nodded, sitting back down on the couch.

“No, you don’t understand!” the Doctor cried as Mickey (the black youth) and Jackie (the woman) met the Doctor stepping out of the TARDIS. “My TARDIS! …and me!”

“Wait, you’re not saying you’re THE Doctor, Doctor… are you?”

“Yes, that was right after I regenerated…” The Doctor replied, then said, more to himself than Roy, “I was a good-looking bloke then.”

“But, you’re a horse.” Roy protested, if there was one thing he knew about Time Lords it was that they looked human.

“Pony, actually.” The Doctor replied.

Roy just looked dumbfounded at the horse sitting on the couch.

“Right. A talking pony… that thinks he’s a Time Lord.” Roy scoffed, “Prove it then, take me on the TARDIS.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not.”

“It’s not here.”

“Then where is it.”

“Back in Ponyville.”

“Ponyville.” Roy repeated, with a note of dry disbelief, “Ponyville?”

“Yes.”

“Like a town, of ponies, called Ponyville.”

“Yes, in Equestria there’s all sorts of pun-based names, like Trottingham or Cloudsdale, or Cantorlot.”

“Equestria?” Roy parroted again, “No, wait, Ponyville.”

“Right.”

Roy brought a hand to his face covering up a nervous smile and a bit of a laugh. “I can’t. I just can’t. — The Doctor, turned into a horse, er, pony… and then in my flat… I can’t believe it.”

“I can prove it.” The Doctor replied, getting off the sofa and taking the single step to the TV before pulling out his sonic screwdriver and prodding the television with it. “See, I’ll clear up the interference pattern on your tele…”

The Doctor sat back down, admiring his work… as did Roy, although he remained standing; he was amazed at his tele presenting a clearer picture than it had even when new.

“I-it, y-you’re… Real!” Roy pointed at the pony sitting on his couch before shrieking with fan-boy abandon and then fainting.

The Doctor kept his eyes on Roy for a few moments before returning his attention to the tele and watching his old adventures; Roy would wake up when he woke up.

A few minutes into the episode, the phone rang and the Doctor answered. It was some guy named Moss wanting to talk to Roy, but Roy was still unconscious so the Doctor explained that, hung up, and continued watching Doctor Who sometimes mumbling “They made me into a tele show, brilliant!”

● ● ● ● ●

Roy regained consciousness he joined the Doctor for the last half of the Christmas invasion, and when the end-credits began to roll he asked,“So, how did you become a pony?”

“I’m not sure…” the Doctor explained, “I was traveling on in the TARDIS and it started acting all wonky, I landed and started walking about, and then I ran into a talking pony who seemed to think I was a pony as well… turns out I was!”

“Ah, I see…” Roy said, nodding, “So it ‘just happened’.”

“Exactly right!”

“Well, that’s a bit of a bummer… I was thinking it’d at least be an interesting story, what with you saving the Earth from the Daleks or the Cybermen or the Zygons.”

“Well, after I was a pony I did have a bit of an adventure going up against the...Cy-cy—” the Doctor broke into a fit of giggles before clearing his throat and finishing, “—Cyberponies.”

“Cyberponies?” Roy repeated with a dry befuddlement.

“Yes, Cyberponies!” the Doctor said with a huge smile, “Equestria has a lot of equine-based puns and wordplay, I just love it!”

“…yeah.” Roy nodded along, “I can see that… you’re much weirder than I would have imagined.”

“Why, thank you!” the Doctor grinned, “I… wait, you’re not still going on about the pony thing, are you?”

“Well, without being able to ride in the TARDIS… it’s kinda… you know.”

The Doctor and Roy stared at each other a bit.

“Well, yes… I suppose it is my most defining trait at the moment. —” The doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver again, “Well, and this.”

● ● ● ● ●

Roy and the Doctor walked along the city streets, their destination a mere block away.

“Are you sure about this?” the Doctor asked, “I don’t think they’ll allow animals inside… and I sort of do look like a pony.”

“Yeah, yeah… just be quiet and let me handle it.” Roy responded, his belly growling for the delicious food served at their destination: fried chicken that came in a real galvanized iron bucket — it was the greasiest, and therefor most delicious, chicken in the entire city.

The restaurant was packed for a Saturday, meaning there was a line waiting to be seated, but the waiter took such a while that Roy headed off to the toilet leaving the Doctor to hold their place in the line.

When he came out he ran into the manager who’d been summoned by a waiter due to reports of a pony standing in line.

“‘Ey, you’re not disabled!” the manager roared pointing at the door Roy’d just emerged from — the disabled restroom.

“I am; I’m disabled.” Roy insisted.

“Howso?” the manager put his hands on his hips and glared at Roy.

“I used to be a bosseye, but the medical operation screwed up my vision so now I see doubles and have to be escorted about in public…” Roy replied, remembering the fiasco with the calendars.

“Oh, where’s your escort then?” The manager crossed his arms, not believing the story.

“Over there.” Roy pointed to the Doctor, “that’s my seeing-eye pony.”

“Seeing-eye pony?”

“Yes… I need a seeing-eye pony because I’m disabled.” Roy explained.

“Sir, he’s telling the truth… my cousin has a seeing-eye pony, too.” the waiter said earning incredulous looks from both Roy and the manager… though the manager’s held his whole attention.

“I see…” the manager nodded after a second, then turned to Roy grabbing his arm, “Let me escort you back to your pony.”

“Thank you… it’s so kind, because I’m disabled.” Roy said, almost crying at how this ridiculous ploy had worked… again.

● ● ● ● ●

“So, how did you get me in here.” the Doctor asked, wiping his muzzle with a napkin.

“I told them you were my seeing-eye pony.” Roy replied, finishing off a drumstick.

“A seeing-eye pony?” the Doctor laughed.

“Yeah.” Roy nodded, “It’s pretty ridiculous… say, what do you want to do after this?”

“Well, we could visit the racetracks.” The Doctor suggested, “I do speak ‘horse’.”

Roy shrugged, “Sure, I could use a few quid.”

● ● ● ● ●

“You dirty cheat!” the thug roared at Roy the instant before punching him.

“Ah!” Roy cried, raising a hand to his now-bloody nose. “Ah d’n’t cheat!”

“Yeah? Get out o’ here before I beat you to a pulp, wanker.” the thug replied.

“Fine,” Roy left with an incredible speed considering how the world was spinning. “We’re going.”

Retrieving the Doctor, they made their way to Roy’s small flat whereupon Roy put a DVD on for his guest before announcing he was going to ‘have a bit of a lie down’ and collapsing on the floor.

Jen

Jen

Jen woke to the sound of something crashing in her flat. For a moment she thought it was a burglar, but then a decidedly un-burglar yell in what sounded like an American accent… a south American accent: “Consarnit, where the hay am I?”

Jen turned the words over in her mind, on the one hand it really could be a burglar, or even a rapist… on the other hand it could be a lost tourist. A really lost tourist.

“Why the hay won’t this door open!?” the voice yelled out.

Yeah, probably not a burglar.

Jen grabbed a shoe and held it up as if to bludgeon the intruder, it probably would have been useless but for the wicked looking spike of the high heel — that was probably sharp enough to kill a horse — and crept towards the noise.

There, in the middle of the livingroom was a pony. An orange pony. An orange pony wearing a cowboy-hat… had the intruder brought the pony? And if so, why the hat?

Jen looked around for the voice she’d heard just moments ago, glancing toward the kitchen and then the laundry-room… maybe the intruder was in the loo?

“Erm, excuse me… but where am I?” asked the voice.

Jen jumped, whirled around and pulled back the shoe to strike at the voice that came from behind her, but the only thing that was there was the pony. Only the pony.

“Wait… no. No, no, no no.” Jen said, shaking her head in denial. “There’s no way there’s a talking pony in my house.”

“What’s so odd `bout a talkin’ pony?” the pony asked, confirming Jen’s fears.

“Nope.” Jen said, shaking her head again, “Ponies can’t talk. It’s just impossible.”

“Well, Ahm here, an’ Ahm talkin’.” The pony responded, “So ‘course it’s possible.”

Jen sank to the floor in a squatting position and mumbled to herself how this couldn’t be happening.

“Anywhay, Ahm tryn’ to get outta here — got work to do on the farm.” The pony said, looking for an exit to the house.

“I– there’s no farm’s `round here.” Jen replied, “we’re in the middle of the city.”

“City, what city?” the horse asked.

“London.” Jen replied, finally coming to terms with the fact she was conversing with an equine.

“Lunden?” The horse repeated, trying out the foreign-sounding word, “Ah ain’t never heard o’ Lunden.”

“Well you should have… it’s the capitol of the United Kingdom.” Jen replied.

“Tha what?” the horse asked.

“You’ve never heard of the UK?” Jen asked, incredulous.

“Nope.”

The two stared at each other for a few moments.

“So, what’s yer name?” the horse asked,

“Um, I’m Jen…” Jen replied, then asked “You are?”

“Ah’m Applejack. Pleased ta meet’cha.” Applejack introduced herself, offering a hoof in what looked oddly like an offer for a handshake.

Jen eyed Applejack, then jumped when a knock came on the door.

“Jen, are you home…” the voice of a middle-aged woman came from the other side of the door, “Open up for your mum.”

“I can’t…” Jen yelled back, a look of surprise tinged with terror touching her face.

“Why not?” the voice asked.

“I’m indecent.” Jen yelled back, hoping to buy herself some time.

“Oh come on, I changed your diapers!” Jen’s mom yelled back.

“No I mean…” Jen’s eyes flicked about before setting on Applejack, “I’m with my lover… my lesbian lover.”

“What!?” Applejack’s eyes shot open in surprise, almost yelling herself, “Why’d ya go an’ say that for?”

“Yes,” Jen shouted back toward the door, “I’m with my luscious lesbian lover.”

There was silence from the other side of the door for a few moments before Jen relaxed a bit, got to her feet and looked out the peephole… she breathed a sigh of relief when the peephole revealed nobody standing outside and collapsed against the door in relief.

The silence was interrupted by Applejack, “So, why’d yah tell your ma I’m yer ‘lesbian lover’… an’ what’s a lesbian lover, anyway?”

“My mum… well, she’s overly critical.” Jen replied, “I had to get her to go away before she started going on about ‘grandbabies’.”

“An’ ‘lesbian’?” Applejack asked accusingly.

“Um, well, it’s a relationship between women… one that precludes children.” Jen explained, suddenly embarrassed for some reason. Maybe it was explaining it to a pony who seemed to have a rather childlike naivety.

“But Ah’m not yer lover,” Applejack stated, “Yah shouldn’t’a’ lied.”

“Oh sod-off, miss honesty… you have no idea about what’s going on.” Jen said, suddenly angry on being called out on lying.

“Ah’m serious… lyin’ like tha’ ‘ll only cause troubles.” Applejack nodded at her own wisdom.

“Yeah?” Jen asked incredulously, “How’s getting rid of my mum going to cause trouble?”

“Ah don’t know, but I do know you’ll be sorry ‘bout it.” Applejack responded.

● ● ● ● ●

“Aw, c’mon… take me with you.” Applejack pleaded, “Ah don’ wanna stay here, alone.”

“And how do you think people will react to seeing a pony with me? A talking pony?” Jen retorted.

“How should Ah know?” Applejack replied, “But it’s not like Ah’d be involved in their business.”

“Look, I’ll put the tele on for you.” Jen offered.

“The wha?”

“Tele. You know, television…”

“No, Ah don’ know.”

“Well, it’s...” Jen paused unable to explain it. After a long, awkward silence she walked over to the TV and turned it on, “this.”

Jen flipped the channel to the cartoons, those would probably be the best thing for the pony… or so she thought.

● ● ● ● ●

Jen returned home from the store with the groceries only to here yelling coming from her flat — her unexpected houseguest was excited about something.

“Um, excuse me.” Jen interrupted.

“This ‘tele’ is awesome!” Applejack cried, turning her attention to Jen, “Ah, jus love this Spider-man!”

“Spider-man?” Jen asked, unsure of anything regarding the wall-crawler… she wasn’t a geek and Spider-man was something only geeks paid attention to.

“Yeah, the only thing I’d change is if he were a bit more honest… he gets into a lot of trouble with his folks, and friends, because he ain’t honest with ‘em.”

“Right…” Jen said, hoping that the conversation didn’t go any deeper, pulling what would hopefully be a distraction from one of the grocery-bag, “anyway, would you like a carrot.”

“I’d love a carrot!” Applejack jumped up, she hadn’t had any breakfast and so she was a mite bit hungry… though on the plus-side she hadn’t been doing any farm-work.

Jen moved over to the kitchen and began to cook up breakfast, more a brunch really, as was her habit over the weekend. She would have slept in, had she not been awakened so early… she eyed the pony and debated not asking if it wanted any food.

“So… would you like some French Toast?” Jen asked, finally deciding to be a good hostess.

“Um, yes. Ah’m a mite bit hungry, so that would be nice.” Applejack answered.

Minutes later, as they ate the tele blared on as useless background noise. Their meal was interrupted by the phone ringing.

Jen answered and was dumbstruck when the other party was revealed to be the hospital, calling her because her mother had been found, collapsed…

“My mum…” Jen said numbly, and she put her phone back in her purse… “She’s in the hospital.”

“Oh no! We gotta go see her.” Applejack said, jumping away from the table.

Jen was so numb she didn’t object, didn’t think of what it would look like to be in public with a pony.

● ● ● ● ●

“Oh, Jen…” her mother cried as she entered the room…

“It’s ok mum… I’m here. I’m here for you.” Jen said, trying to comfort her.

“It was such a shock…” The elder woman said, shaking a bit.

“What was, mum?” Jen asked.

“Finding out your… predilections.”

“Ah’m sorry you collapsed.” Applejack said, trying to offer consolation.

Unfortunately the older woman looked over and saw that her daughter’s lesbian lover was also a horse… the strain was too much.

Author's Note

And that's why you don't lie — you'll give your mom a heart attack.

Twilight Sparkle

Twilight Sparkle

Twilight Sparkle was surprised, and more than a little puzzled, when she woke draped in sheer opulency of silk sheets in a bed not her own. This was not the only surprise as a pair of arms wrapped around her all of a sudden and the slurred words of someone asleep spoke in her ear.

“Love y’r sexy bod.” the voice said, almost whispering, a stallion by the voice’s timbre.

The voice’s comments caused a furious blush to rush to Twilight’s cheeks, partly because she was not used to such whispers, but also because of the situation. As a rather bookish mare, Twilight didn’t think her body was that great, certainly not toned like Applejack or Rainbow Dash, but likewise she didn’t think her body was bad, more “just average.”

As pleasurable as the comments were, Twilight had to try to figure out where she was, to understand what happened... how she got here and how she had no memory of getting here. Her thoughts were interrupted by the voice again speaking:

“You’re so beautiful, I want you so much.”

If she thought that the blush before was bad, this one bade her think that her face would burn only a little more if she were to put her face in a fire.... though it wasn’t unpleasant to hear.

“You’re wonderful, Jen.”

Her flush ended instantly with the mention of another mare’s name, the mood instantly and violently killed. He wasn’t thinking of her, but somepony else.

What was pleasure twisted and for some reason she felt like crying… it was so unfair, that nopony was interested in her, that she was unwanted as a mate.

Twilight suddenly broke down, feeling tears rolling down her cheeks, she cried herself to sleep.

● ● ● ● ●

Twilight woke to a sudden movement on the bed.

Turning over she saw a creature had pushed itself into a sitting upright position… a moment later it occurred to her it must have been the ‘stallion’ in the night/early-morning. — The face was round, covered with a short beard ans the hair was a bit on the long side.

“Hello?” Twilight asked, wanting to make sure.

“Ah, hello.” The same voice from earlier replied… “I wasn’t expecting you in my bed.”

“But you were expecting me?” Twilight asked, trying to understand what was happening.

“Yes, I was.” the man replied, “I’m Douglas Reynholm, and you are my wish.”

“Your… wish?” Twilight asked, gasping in a breath… maybe she had been summoned but the name ‘Jen’ was attached to her — maybe she was wanted. Like that.

Then it struck her as odd that she should be pleased to think of that sort of relationship with this creature and not another stallion.

“Yes, you see I’m a member of the church of Spaceology, and I wished for you last night.” Douglas explained, though what this had to do with sharing his bed she didn’t know, “Thanks to Spacestar Ordering my wish was granted.”

“Spacestar Ordering?” Twilight echoed, wondering how all this was going to end up.

“Yes, you see it taps into the very nature of the universe using the twin scientific principles of ‘Star Maths’ and ‘Whishy Thinking’ —” Douglas paused, allowing Twilight to absorb the information.

What was all this? ‘Star Maths’? ‘Wishy Thinking’? ‘Spaceology’? How could these be scientific, how could these be tied to the nature of the universe? — This wasn’t Pinky’s ridiculousness, this was making the universe itself to make no sense.

“Yes, the granting of my wish for a unicorn-pony is yet another success for Spacestar Ordering.”

Twilight felt her eye twitch.

● ● ● ● ●

Twilight was exhausted after learning about Spaceology, and Spacestar Ordering, and Star Maths… having her entire understanding of the universe overturned was draining on a mental and emotional level… and that, in turn, drained her of physical energy.

“You look worn out.” Douglass said, offering her a glass of water.

She took it in her magic, drank, and gave it back before offering a “thank you”.

“It’s quite alright, I myself found my mind blown like that just two weeks ago.” Douglass reached over and grabbed something in his hand, pointed it toward the far wall, and a box sprang to life with pictures and sound, “How about a bit of Tele?”

After the advertisements finished, the Unicorn was surprised to see herself on the television… what was happening? It looked like it was the setup to one of her adventures with her friends… and then the television broke into song.

Twilight felt everything that remained in her world-view shatter.

Celestia

Celestia

The white alicorn had just finished her morning breakfast when the dragonfire deposited a letter in front of her — is was as follows:

Dear Celestia,

I give up. I quit. There is no way that I can continue my studies in magic when the

universe has no set laws, where the capricious will of the cosmos determines that

‘Star Maths’ and ‘Wishy Thinking’ are the fundamental philosophies upon which

the universe is built. In short, it would be irrational of me to seek understanding of

a non-rational world using methods of rationality.

Your Former Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Celestia would have been hurt if the whole thing weren’t so puzzling and irregular. As it was the millennia-old alicorn thought it would be best to let her cool off and then visit her in a few days. Whatever it was would probably have been taken care of by then, and if it hadn’t then that’s when it would be.

‘A simple solution for a simple problem.’ Celestia smiled to herself as she levitated a teapot up to pour another cup of tea.

Author's Note

And that, my dear students, is how Spacestar Ordering destroyed one of Equestria's most promising students.
Remember: It's not a religion, it's a cult.