My name is Fluttershy, I have something to express. Writing isn't my strong suite, but I'll try my best to deliver. I've had murderous thoughts, wanted to kill myself, and thought of becoming a slut. It's something that has plagued me all my life. Why did I want to do these things? I've been through so much suffering at this point that I don't know how I haven't been broken yet. I usually consider the facts that there were moments when I would slaughter mass amounts of fillies and colts. Hanging their organs over the wooden walls of my yard and serving their corpses to my meat eating pals. I've thought of having sex with every stallion I could get my hooves on, maybe even breaking in a few colts and giving birth to their colts or fillies, it would be hilarious to me at least if I went through it. Maybe its because there is a part of me that has gone this far that doesn't want to give up.
Some kind of hope that there is something really worthwhile in this life. That there is a purpose to my existence. I've met so many valuable friends and have a balanced life as an adult. There was no loss of life, no bullying like back in Cloudsdale, and not a single attempt to take advantage of me. It's funny that I've lasted this far, though I think I know why. Through all the horrible stuff that has been endured in my existence, there has been a glimmer of something more that makes it all worthwhile. I'm starting to believe that I'm delusional or something, but deep in my heart, something tells me there is something there. Usually ponies like me would lose themselves in darkness and just fall in to a deep sleep of promiscuity and violence.
Maybe the pain was too make me strong for I'm completely numb to pain. I may respond to it and acknowledge its existence, yet I do not become affected or changed for the negative. It's like I have gone through so much that it doesn't bother me anymore. Is that a good or bad thing? Anything could happen to me and I would be silly old Fluttershy, sweet as a soft rabbit. I like being considered this, I don't want to become a monster like those other ponies. The more I think about it, I realize it's like a sense of honor, that I shouldn't let this world turn me in to something horrible. It's scary to write all these aggressive thoughts. What would happen if somepony read all this? I could be incarcerated or something, no thats silly, the worse thing that could happen is how they perceive me as a pony.
I guess an explanation is in order for how things turned out like this. When I was a mere filly, I lost both my parents from an excursion to foreign lands. They were wealthy ponies and while losing them tore me apart, at least the butler from the mansion estate stayed with me. Becoming shy and reclusive from that, I didn't do well with those ignorant colts and fillies snobs in Canterlot Education Institute for the Advanced. I had to move out of that hole to stay sane, I couldn't handle their snide remarks and terrible bullying. I guess shyness is a trait of weakness because it didn't stop there. Taking classes in Cloudsdale didn't change much and the worst part is that I had to stay there. My caretaker, who I'll get to later, cared less about me. Only when I grew older did things get worse. At least I met a friend, who saved me against bullies once and a while. Rainbow Dash, always there for me to the best of her abilities. Too bad she wasn't able to protect me in certain situations, like being beaten after school, all alone and weak. Her efforts were admirable, but the occasional beatings and teasings were inevitable.
Usually somepony would be terrified by the notion of writing these thoughts on paper. I guess I'm not your average mare, even though I almost fell multiple times. Its so odd, like a snarling diseased beast locked up in a cage, I had the urge to commit the unspeakable from so many years of pain. It comes out once in a while, goading me to let loose all this tempered anger and resentment from within. Promising freedom from the restraints of living and moral grounds. Finally getting back something from this horrendous world. All of this lead to a point until I met a pony named Twilight Sparkle, a book smart and intelligent mare who changed my life. Who knew I would be a bearer from one of The Elements of Harmony. It was like fate was preparing me to defend Equestria against all manner of madness. I would wonder how a pony with traits that could make her do bad things would be perfect as the literal representation of kindness. That was a complete surprise.
Well, I'm running out of stuff to write about, I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'll write about my caretaker, he wasn't my butler by the way so don't get confused! His name was Exemplar Gold, he took over the business so it wouldn't fail. He acted horrible to me and I never knew why. I always thought that it had something to do with my parents. He never remembered my birthdays and would usually would give me commands. So unreceptive, and uncaring, no matter how much I cried. He would say things like "Toughen up, or you'll have the same fate of your parents". So cruel, at least he would leave me be until I was of age...
Now, I would feel hurt at this point to bring up such a painful memory, but at this point I just don't care anymore. Why does it matter when its been done to death? He violated me one sunny afternoon. I had no idea what he was doing, or why I felt the way I did. It was confusing to feel something good from somepony and I let him have his way with me. He even gave me his seed. I didn't know what to do at this point because after a while, some significant changes started to happen to me. My stomach would get thicker and I would ask my caretaker what it was. Finally knowing the truth, I thought of it as anything, but normal. As time went past, going to college at the time, ponies would look at me oddly. So used to the abuse that I was normally getting, the sexual intercourse with the caretaker and the booming belly that grew. My friend, Rainbow Dash was concerned and asked me questions that I could not answer. I was told not to tell anyone about the father, but at this point I didn't care. This is when things got out of control.
Canterlot Guards busted in and apprehended my caretaker right when he had a meeting in Canterlot. I wondered, what would I do as a single mother going to college. Rainbow came to me again, giving me advice. She said I could send the foal to...
Thats as far as I go, I'm sorry, that information I can't divulge. I just can't...
All I can say is that I watch my little foal every day who doesn't have her mother and I don't even bat an eye. She plays with her friends and they have those 'Crusades' and I wouldn't feel a bit of remorse. I don't know if this has taken a toll on me...
Fluttershy closed the notebook, her hoof shaky from all she has written down. It felt good to express herself from all the time bottling up her emotions and trying to keep it all under control. At least this was a way to have it all let out. The silent knock on the door startled her. She shook quickly, her body shivering from the fear of being revealed. Creeping to the door, she opened it casually to find three little fillies staring at her.
The End.
