Ponies Vs ATMs

by Pen Mightier

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nightmare Moon
Length: 2627

Celestia wants Muffins. Luna just wants her to shut up. Both requires money. She decides to withdraw money from an ATM like all the other ponies. An epic battle to the death ensues. Just another Tuesday in Equestria.

Celestia wants Muffins. Luna just wants her to shut up. Both requires money. She decides to withdraw money from an ATM like all the other ponies. An epic battle to the death ensues. Just another Tuesday in Equestria.

Published 2014-07-14 15:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-14 15:50:02 UTC

Luna's Last Stand

"What a glorious day this is, dear sister! Look how beautiful the sunny sky is today." Celestia beamed as the two regal sisters trotted down Canterlot's mane street.

"Yes, yes, rub it in." Luna rolled her eyes wearily.

"Come now, sister. We have taken much pains to be together for a day. It is difficult for us to spend time together, with how difficult it is with our duties and our, well, sleep habits..." Celestia said.

"And yet it was I that must shoulder the burden of staying up for thine own convenience." Luna muttered, rubbing the dark rings under her eyes. "Oh, my comfy bed, how I miss thee."

"You can sleep when you're dead sister! We have sisterly bonding to do today." Celestia declared.

"We're immortals, sister. Thou suggests I forego sleep for all eternity?" Luna muttered. "Why must we bond anyway? We have weapons that run on Friendship and Magics of Mass Destruction fueled by Love, hay we have a Magic-Instant-Kingdom-In-A-Box-Just-Add-Friendship, but we don't have any weapons of mass glittery doom powered by sisterly bonds. Yet."

"Sssst, no spoiling the next season!" The familiar form of Pinkie Pie popped down from above. Where from was anypony's guess. And just as suddenly as she appeared she had disappeared again.

"What was that?" Luna blinked.

"Oh, look, sister!" Celestia pointed at a....

"Don't tell me. It's a banana muffin stand." Luna muttered, darkly.

"Dear sister! Are you psychic?" Celestia gasped. "Can you read my mind?"

"I wouldn't even if I could. There are certain things not meant to be read." Luna muttered. "Fine, let us have at these muffins, find a choice park to sit upon and devour them, look the very picture of idyllic sisterly love, and allow that to qualify for sisterly bonding for the day. Agreed?"

"Good plan, sister. I love your plans as much I love you." Celestia giggled, giving her sister a wing-hug. "Which is why I'll let you buy today."

"Uh, come again?" Luna blinked.

"You. Buy. Muffin." Celestia whispered, peering deep into Luna's eyes.

"Fine." Luna was quick to give in. There was no winning staring competitions with the sun. "Give me the bits and I shall retrieve these muffins post-haste."

"But aha, this is where it gets interesting." Celestia smiled her serenely superior smile. "Sisterly bonds are strengthened by facing challenges together. Thy challenge today lies in acquiring the funds for our pursuit of muffins."

"Excellent. I was hoping we could go rob a bank together, sister." Luna rolled her eyes. "Where do we start?"

"Silly sister." Celestia chided. "Times have moved on since your day. Today we simply withdraw money from ATMs."

"Hate-Tea-Manes?" Luna blinked. "What sort of crowds have thou been getting thy plot involved in, sister?"

"Consider this an exercise in fitting in with our times, sister." Celestia said, nodding over at a box-shaped machine in a corner of the town square. A young mail mare pegasus tapped a few buttons on the machine. A few bits popped out of the cash slot at the bottom of the machine. With a satisfied smile said mail mare trotted away, cash in hand. "See? Simpler than robbing banks."

"Fine." Luna, silently suffering sister extraordinaire, sighed. "And, pray tell, what will your part be in this sisterly challenge?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I shall be right behind you sister." Celestia smiled beatifically. "About a hundred yards behind you. Now you go over there and get us some money while I go park my glorious flanks in my sun."

"I'll park your flank..." Luna muttered to herself under her breath as she set off on her latest trial. She stepped up to the machine, boldly going where no lunar regent has ever gone before. She eyed the machine suspiciously, expecting it to suddenly fling burnt toast or banish her to the moon or something. Seeing as it had yet to attempt to enslave all Equestria or steal everypony's cutie marks or something ridiculous like that as yet, she decided to approach it.

It was a surprisingly simple contraption, with a big shiny screen lined by hoof-sized buttons. There was a wider keypad below bearing a set of numbers under which there was a slot where, presumably, money came out. "Push buttons. Get bits. This is below my significant talents." Luna scoffed as she studied the screen.

Please insert your credentials here ->

The machine indicated the card slot with a helpful arrow.

"My credentials?" Luna tapped a hoof on her chin. "Of course. My credentials. Thou shalt have it in all its pointy glory!" She lifted her crown off her mane with a burst of her magic. "Hahah!" With a triumphant battle cry she shoved it into the card slot. There was a crackle and fizz of abused electronics. "How is that for credentials? Dost thou approve?"

The screen seemed to frizzle a little at the intrusion but inexplicably yet stoically carried on.

Insert your PIN

"Pin? Thou makest light of the size and girth of my mighty horn?! I shall show thee 'Pin'!" She impaled the card slot with her horn. "Hahah! Dost thou approve of my pin? Surely thy approval hath been doubled now! Well? Well?" She asked, turning her head this way and that just to make doubly sure. The machine seemed to crackle and sputter at the wanton violation. It was not having a good day.

Verifying....

PIN invalid. Your PIN must contain capital letters, numbers, emoticons, status updates and a sacrificial goat.

"Invalid?!" Luna cried in disbelief. "I shalt show thee invalid when I banish thee on a tour of our solar system!"

The screen seemed to frizzle at this as if considering its options. And possibly its warranty.

User Authorized. What would you like to do today?

Check Balance

Withdraw Cash

Transfer

Your sister.

"Hahah! Thou know thy place, good subject. I applaud thy wisdom in submitting to our grand presence." Luna nodded with approval as she studied the options available. "Hmm, being the pragmatic soul I am, I shall first examine my treasury." Luna nodded to herself, selecting the first option.

Processing Query.

Checking Balance.

Balance: 0 Bits and ?? Lemons

"Wait! How is this possible? Surely our treasury is flush with funds!" Luna balked.

A job search directory popped out of the cash slot.

"A job? Thou accusest us of being an unemployed hobo-type pony? I shalt hath thee know, I am the night!" Luna barked.

A can of energy drink popped out. It clunked pathetically at Luna's hoof.

"And it is not just because I sleep all day! That is a common misconception!" Luna declared, indignant. She popped open the energy drink and took a generous swig anyway. "My job requires I be vigilant day and night!"

Processing Query.

Error 404. User not found during Changeling invasion of Canterlot.

Plead sleeping on the job.

"Did not! Fie, metal cur! I am the Princess of the Night! Thou doth insult royalty!" Luna barked angrily.

Another job search directory popped out.

"How dare thee?! I shall have thee know, mine is a most taxing profession!" She shouted.

A baloney rolled out of the cash slot.

"What doth thou insinuate by presenting me with this...this meat stick?!" Luna demanded, raising the baloney and wiggling it threateningly at the screen. "Thou mockest my dedication to my job?!"

A slip of paper slid out of the receipt slot. It was a holiday allowance slip signing her off for 1000 years.

"Oho! How generous! As thy princess I shall grant thee the boon of an even longer holiday! How about all eternity?!" Luna gave a menacing howl as her horn crackled dangerously with enough magic to stomp angry centaurs into rainbow-food.

Error Detected.

Reprocessing Query.

"Hmph. So thou retains thy senses, enough to recognize thine own folly." Luna calmed down, the fire in her horn banking gently. "We all make mistakes, good modern claptrap. I am magnanimous enough to overlook thy trespass this once. Now, show me my balance."

Processing Query.

Checking Balance.

You weigh 1.6 Celestias.

Her eyes widened. "What?!" She hissed, placing a hoof on either side of the machine to steady herself. "What?!" She repeated, absolutely flabbergasted. "What doth my sleek aerodynamic flanks harbour that my sister's flabby blubbery plot hath not?! H-how much d-doth a Celestia even weigh?!"

Processing Query.

One Celestia is exactly 456 bananas.

"Bananas?!" Luna demanded, eyes practically bulging, "Bananas?! 456 of them?! By Starswirl's balls, sister!"

A lemon popped out of the machine.

"This isn't a banana!" Luna cried, tossing the lemon at the screen, inexplicably eliciting a squeak from the lemon. "It's yellow but it isn't long and curvy! It is as banana-like as the sun! It is an un-banana!"

Two more lemons came out.

"Why art thou giving me these lemony fruit?!" Luna demanded, lifting both lemons up in her magic. "Why, I ask thee?!" She demanded as she squeezed them both. They gave death-squeaks as they erupted into lemony juice.

This time a bottle of lemonade dropped out before rolling up against her hoof.

"Why art thou making lemonade out of my lemons?!" Luna cried. "What hath I ever done to thee?! What hath my lemons ever done to thee?!" She raised a hoof to her temple. "I, I think I have a headache."

In case of Overwhelming Stress, please use the following stress reduction function.

"Thank you." Luna banged her head against the screen. There was a soft squeaking sound as she rubbed her forehead against the screen for extra measure.

I am happy to help. Is there anything else you'd like to do today?

Withdraw Money

Transfer

Your sister

Challenge to a Duel to the Death

"I would rather thou stopest helping me." Luna muttered, wearily, as she tapped a hoof on the second option. "If funds I lack then perhaps I may transfer it from elsewhere."

A slip of paper popped out of the receipt slot. It was a ticket. One-way. To the moon.

"I do not want to transfer myself!" Luna barked, zapping the ticket into cinders. "Thou mockest thine princess for the last time, infernal claptrap!" She punched the last option. "I challenge thee to a battle to regain my honour!" She declared.

You wake up in a room. You do not have any gear. You are naked.

Examine Room

Panic

"It is 12 noon! I do not wake up at 12 noon, no matter what it is thou insinuates by this false accusation!" Luna snarled. "Thou darest discriminate against the decency-challenged?! Well, I remind thee, nopony wears clothes! So there!" She tapped the first option. "Thou shalt not drive the great Luna into panic that easily, coward!"

There is your plot. There is also a table. On the table there is a plat of muffins.

Examine plot

Eat Muffins

Impale plot with horn

"Ahah! Thou expects me to think option 2 is a trap! But no, thine princess is too smart for thee!" Luna pressed option 2.

Nicholas Cage eats your muffins. There are none left.

He leaves you a lemon.

"Who?!" Luna demanded, "Who in the name of Starswirl's holy underwear is Nicholas Cage?!"

You questioned the Cage.

You die.

Luna stared slack-jawed at the machine, one eye twitching dangerously.

Half a lemon popped out of the machine.

"WHY?!" Luna demanded, picking up the half lemon. "The mangy cur! He even ate half the lemon! WHY?!" She asked it, as if hoping it might somehow answer her. But all it did was give her a sour look. "I shall hunt down this impertinent knave Cage and impale his muffin-stuffed plot with my horn!"

Game Over

"I was playing a game?!" Luna gaped. "When did that even happen?!"

Insert 10 Bits to Continue

"If I had money I would not even deign entertain thy jest!" Luna barked at the machine. "Pray tell, why would I want to continue this tomfoolery?!"

Cheapskate. Hobo.

Go back to your sister's basement.

"Thy mockery hath trespassed a bridge too far, insolent claptrap knave! I shalt have thine metal heart under my hoof!" Luna roared, rearing back in anger. "Thou shalt have a taste of my eternal night! No light nor hope shall ever grace thee where thou sorry plot is bound!" Her coat turned a jet black as her mane burned with the fire of a million oblivions. "Taste the wrath of Nightmare Moon!" She bellowed.

The machine spat 6 familiar objects out. The Elements of Harmony gleamed in the mid afternoon sun, looking about as menacing as 6 pieces of sparkly pony jewelerly could.

"N-No! Please! Not those!" Luna squeaked, backing away slowly. "A-anything but that! Please!" She squeaked in fear, dropping to the floor as she cradled her head protectively with her hooves. "P-please....no..." She sniffled, curling up into a protective ball. "W-woona w-will b-be good, p-promise....a-anything b-but that..."

There was a brief silence as the machine whirred away idly. Then, as if finally making up its mind, it popped out the missing half of the lemon. It rolled along the floor before booping the quivering Luna on the nose.

"T-this is..." Luna slowly opened her teary eyes to regard the half lemon. She blinked in disbelief as she looked up in awe and fear at the machine. "T-this is..."

Transaction Complete.

"Verily, it is thy victory." Luna conceded defeat, head bowed, coat and mane colour quickly returning to her usual midnight blue. "I surrender." She sniffled, slowly getting up with her lemons, lemonade, baloney and job search directories.

"Any luck, dear sister?" Celestia asked, trotting up.

"By thy sunny flanks, dear sister, I have been defeated upon home ground!" Luna cried, throwing her hooves about Celestia's neck before sobbing into her mane. "I-I feel so violated, sister! Violated!"

"Oh, come now. What nonsense, Lulu." Celestia trilled, stepping up to the machine as she brushed her sniffling sister off. "It is a most sensible product of our children's ingenuity. Watch."

456 Bananas Detected.

Credentials Authorized.

Welcome, Princess Celestia.

Celestia's eyebrows twitched dangerously. Her horn crackled. There was a burst of blinding light. And the ATM was gone.

"Didst thou just....banish yon machine unto my moon?" Luna blinked, peering out from behind Celestia.

"It's fine, it was a pay-to-use machine anyway." Celestia huffed, trotting away. "Come, sister, we shall simply have my personal student pay our share."

Exactly 1000 years later when the stars align and aid in its escape, a sentient machine known only as 'Automated Tyrant Moon' returns to Equestria to bring about everlasting monopoly as it buys out capitalism. The Elements of Market Freedom would be the last things standing in its path to world domination and free market collapse. But that's another story entirely.

Author's Note

This was fun to write. Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Disclaimer: MLP is the property of the epicriffic Faust and Hasbro. Ever noticed how Hasbro also owns Transformers? Ever noticed how both Transformers and MLP are both awesome? Ponies are actually Transformers in secret and Michael Bay's the shadow director behind the entire MLP series. Just you wait till the big reveal in season 5 when Optimus Prime is revealed to be an Alicorn prince.