The best Appledash story ever.

by NeggaMunneySwagMunney

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Dark, Alternate Universe, Romance
Length: 1004

Applejack and Rainbow Dash go at it as if they are Cheetos-covered figurines mashed together head-to-head by you, the reader, who is most obviously a euphoric man without a job.

"Ah love me some good ol' fashioned APPLEDASH!" -Applejack
"Ew no homo. *smooch*" -Rainbow Dash

The most generic of fictions. Rated Romance because everyone knows the purple tag is the homosexualest.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-14 11:40:20 UTC

Wholesome Christian Fanfiction.

Rainbow Dash suddenly became a lesbian. Though she was a purebred, good-at-heart, through and through Christian who believed in Jesus Christ (Peace be upon him) she started having second doubts whenever she was around Applejack. She'd suddenly get so wet when she imagined Applejack reading the verse John 3:16 from the Bible in a chapel while holding her Cowboy fedora to her chest. That level of enlightenedness turned Rainbow Dash on to no end.

So, despite the teachings of Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour and the obviously tens of thousands of verses in the Bible that condemn homosexuality, Rainbow Dash decided to become a lesbian. And while she was at it, she became more offensive by becoming an Atheist, since the bible (now in lower caps since she no longer reads it [inb4 RD can't read]) is totally incompatible with a homosexual's lifestyle. And to rustle even more jimmies, Rainbow Dash decided to go up onto the Mayor's podium to give an important announcement to all of PonyVille to hear.

"Citizens of PonyVille!" cried Rainbow Dash through a mic. "I'm gay and an atheist, so I'm a GAYTHEIST!"

There was silence. Then, there was slow but sure applause. The cyan mare just didn't understand.

"What the fuck?" whispered Rainbow Dash to herself. These ponies should be wholesome Christians too! But the applause only got louder, followed by shouts of 'BRAVE!'.

"Fuck! DAE EVOLUTION = GOD ISN'T REAL!!" cried Rainbow Dash, but the cheering didn't abate.

"I LOVE GRINDING MY SORE CUNT AGAINST FURNITURE!

"APPLEDASH OTP!

"In this moment, I am euphoric; not because of any phoney god's blessing, but because, I am enlightened by my own intelligence," - Rainbow Dash - Ashleigh Ball

In that moment, the cheering subsided. Rainbow Dash's last autistic comment should have done the trick, rustling up every pony's jimmies for the final time. She was smirking to herself when suddenly, the crowd parted to let somepony through.

"Apple... jack?" said Rainbow Dash as she saw the cowgirl pony come up to her, her hat on her chest, her orange, sexy little ears out for her to nibble on and chew off because she, like all ponies, was born with original sin. Oh wait, fuck the bible.

"Did you just say... Appledash... OTP?" said Applejack uncertainly, her eyes fluttering. Oh gosh. Applejack was probably the most redneckiest pony in all of Equestria who still believed that Equestria was flat, only a century old and believed that every pony was made from wafers and wine. Rainbow Dash nodded; such was her bravery.

"Well. then..." said Applejack, hoof on her hat," COUNT ME IN!"

Then they fucked. Insert whatever demented lesbian story you can in here, I'm too fucking lazy. And uncreative, to be honest. You guys know the ropes, I'm just a newbie.

Just kidding. They did every trick in the goddamn book with the ropes and the chains and the whips and the lashes and I'm just stating the equipment because I'm too goddamn lazy to write out their actions. Their cunts grinded together (OBVIOUSLY) and they kissed until their lips looked like their cunts. Then afterwards, they were panting on the floor; of course, being the demented, god-less sex demons they now were, they didn't bother to find a room so they had an audience of about a hundred. And since the image of lesbians is so shocking that it can convert an entire band of wholesome Christian ponies into evil atheists, the ponies didn't move and instead cheered them on, even letting their children watch since this was natural selection and survival of the fittest in action, clearly an educational watch.

Then, Rainbow pulled out a smoke (since she was the feminine one but they could be versatile with the roles because THEY'RE BOTH FUCKING FEMALE) and said to Applejack: "Let's go to Vegas and get married, baby."

"Sure thing. Vegas is where the atheists go!" said Applejack.

In Vegas, the two newly atheist ponies were a little confused at first because how can atheists (or gays for that matter) marry when they can't get into a church? But fret not, the church was purged of all of the crosses and the statues of Jesus and saints and apostles and glass mosaics and what not and replaced with pictures of Carl Sagan, Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye, and the walls were painted with the colours of the LGBT, which are clearly the same as the colours on Rainbow's mane. Brave gay activists' portraits like the current Pope Francis of the Asissi and Tyler Oakley were put in place of the crosses, and Chris Crocker's 'Leave Britney Alone' video was played on repeat and screened to all present in the aisles (the Mane Six were all there committing debauchery with the other church-goers since atheists have no moral discipline). The two ponies wanted to be married in the skimpiest outfits possible but they decided the traditional marriage garments would suffice; being atheists, it was their heaven-bound (irony un-intended) duty to mock Christians. Then, they exchanged vows (lines which can be found in Richard Dawkins' the God Delusion) and kissed. At that moment, somepony took a picture of that kiss and that picture... remained a picture.

Oh, if only that picture remained a picture. Oh, if only Ashleigh Ball didn't burn her incense to the Emperor, oh WOE IS ME. Unfortunately, Homosexuals everywhere rejoiced while heterosexuals were victimised, and were thrown out of their homes. Left to starve on the street, they succumbed to Darwin's law of Survival of the Fittest, and they clearly weren't fit enough to follow such a law. And so Equestria succumbed to homosexuality. Due to Stalinist and Maoist policies (which an atheistic society must inevitably adopt because, well, atheists are like that) food stores were depleted and reproductive rates declined to the point where there was widespread cannibalism, until the entire pony race was destroyed. At this, God smirked and told everyone, I told you so.

END