Shady Horsey Heist

by lonely colt

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 1283

Ponies hold up department store. Edgy, mediocre material ensues.

Unnamed ponies hold up department store. This is the product of 4:17AM boredom, coffee with creamer and sugar, and playing Payday 2 for three days straight.

Published 2014-07-15 11:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-15 11:40:05 UTC

and we danced to 'cecilia,'

This was it. Our payday.  Operation Get Rich, Yo. Or some other stupid-ass name like that.

Bank robbery. Full throttle. 2mlg4u. Let's do this, Marines. Equestria Win. Game Winning Killcam. 10,000XP.

In short, some friends and I were planning to pull of a little heist and split. I mean, how hard can that be? If I've learned anything from an over-saturation of action movies involving bank robberies, it's that there is nothing cooler than a stallion robbing a bank while wearing sunglasses.

Except, we weren't robbing a bank. Or not yet, at least. That's too rich for our blood, so we chose a higher-end clothing store in good ol' Fillydelphia. A little four-walled establishment with an office and a store room. We knew that it definitely pulled in more than a few bits each day. All we needed was four ponies. One to take as much as possible, two to watch any ponies looking to be heroes, and one to watch for nosy bystanders.

I'd have to give us real props if we actually pulled this off. We were just a bunch of stupid kids armed with duffle bags, cheap masks and sunglasses, dyed manes and colored contact lenses, and kitchen cutlery and outdoorspony's tools. All that, and a dream. A dream of getting rich, or going home broke and a chump.

\

My hooves were shaking so bad that I couldn't even think straight, albeit the only thing I could think of was how screwed we were if we got caught. Sure, it's a pretty funny thing over a few beers when you say, “Hey! You know what would be a fantastic idea? Robbery. Doesn't that sound like a easy get-rich-quick scheme?” When in reality, I was about to vomit all over the side walk.

“Hey, don't lose it, yo. We haven't even started yet,” said a mare to my left.  She always was my right hoof as much as I was her left. She was the one who'd be crowd controlling, and grabbing anything of interest along with me. “Were just gonna get in, smash and grab, and dip. No big deal, right?”

“Yeah, no big deal.” I gave a deep exhale, and loosed the opening on my bag so I could use a wing to easily pull out my weapon of choice, a metal baton. I wasn't planning on going crazy and bludgeoning somepony to death. Just something blunt, to make my point just that.

“Marker is around back, he'll climb in through the office window, the three of us will go in through the front door. It's time to break bad, eh?” She said as she took one last puff and stamped out her cigarette with a back hoof. I put on my sunglasses and stepped in.

“Wow. Not a bad place. I might even take something I like,” the stallion to my right commented, a well-built earth pony who was helping with crowd control. I shot him a wide-eyed look. “Pssh, you know. If I was into this kind of stuff.”

He was right, though. It was the kind of place that had their own nice music playing, and not whatever happened to be playing on the radio.

All we were waiting on was our friend around back to give us a signal to kick it off. I was loitering around by the register looking at some socks and getting some snickers from the stallion standing behind it. Our two for crowd control were at either side of the room by the door.

After a few more moments, a masked Marker came out from the office doorway and pulled the cashier back from the counter. The ponies by the doors pulled on their masks and blocked the door.

Our mare pulled out a small hoof-held crossbow and let out a sharp whistle “Alright, everypony, use common sense, here. Nopony moves, nopony gets hurt. If you wanna act like a hero, you're gonna get beat down like a loser, understand?”

I whipped out my baton and cracked it on a table, “Stay down, yo! It'll be over before you know it!”

Our lanky unicorn called Marker stopped me as he whispered something to me, “Safe in the office, but the manager isn't here. Put the screws to the teller and get it open.” I nodded and trotted over to the poor pony whimpering with his hooves over his head.

“Stand up and look at me.” He gave no response, so I cracked my baton against the wall above him and chipped a chunk off over him. “I told you to stand and look at me!” He immediately shot up and locked eyes with me while violently shaking. Exactly the reaction I was looking for: fear. Pure unadulterated fear.

I traced the fur of his neck with my baton, never taking my eyes off him. “So, I hear you got a safe, yeah? Your boss isn't in, so you're the lucky colt to get it open for me,” I got a curt nodding from him as he lead the way. “Oh, yeah, try anything, and I'll paint the walls with you.”

I wasn't trying to traumatize the poor guy, I just needed a point to get across. We were in neck deep and we weren't turning back.

He started with a stare at the safe before stopping, unmoving. “What's wrong with you? Get it open!”

“I-i can't do it with you s-standing over me.” He lowered his head and looked away. Another crack of my metal stick against the safe.

“Buddy, I'll do a lot more than just stand over you if you don't open this in the next ten seconds.” I leaned in close enough for him to feel my breath against his ear. “Now go.” His frantic little hooves turning the dial as if his life really depended on it. It swung open to greet me with something I was not expecting. Bills. Lots and lots of bills. “Fill up the bag, yo! Double time!” Straight paydirt. We were going home happy ponies.

“That wasn't so bad, huh? Give me your hooves.” I tied him just to make sure he wasn't going anywhere. I walked out and saw that our three heisters had just finished tying and taping up the rest of the customers. It was a weekday, someone would be in tomorrow to find them. I noticed that our stallion on crown control was sporting a new faux leather coat. “I.. really? Whatever, it's time to go.” I grabbed a nice looking beanie that I eyed earlier. What the hay, it was payday and I wanted to get myself something nice.

“Back door, let's go.” Marker led us out the store room's exit and we left as nonchalantly as we could.

While the other took of and stowed their masks, I left my sunglasses on. It was a sunny day after all.

/

We did it. Celestia be damned, we did it. The four of us sat in my little apartment around a coffee table holding two filled duffle bags.

“This is it. Fruits of our labors. Payday.” Our mare and I were the ones to count it out while our friends waited in anticipation. “5,800 bits. We made off with 5,800 bits worth of coins and bills. We freakin' made it.” A series of cheers and a cut of 1,450 bits per member left us pretty damn exited. Cider, beers, and shots. The self-destructive way to celebrate breaking the law.

Our crowd controlling mare brushed up against me and whispered excitedly, “So, when do you wanna do this again?”

Soon. We're in the game now, and there's only way to go: up.