„No, I will not allow you to put your ass on the table.“ Twilight tapped a hoof against the table to emphasize her point.
“Why not?” Lyra asked bewildered.
“Because it is a dirty word.” Twilight replied.
“Hey! My ass ain’t dirty.” Lyra shot back. “Besides, I meant the term for donkeys.”
“That’s worse, because it’s racist!”
“Fine, fine. I’ll stick with the regular ass then.” Lyra relented.
“Slang terminology isn’t allowed. If you must put it down, then at least written properly with R.” Twilight was adamant about following the rules for the game of scrabble they were playing.
It had sounded like a good idea at the time. Rarity had come up with it as a means of not alienating the residents of Ponyville from their new princess. A gesture to show she was still just Twilight Sparkle and nopony out of touch with her subjects.
The first few games of various board games with the residents of Ponyville had went rather well. At first the ponies had been reserved to interact with a Princess, even the ones Twilight had previously had friendly relationships with. After a couple of games, some nice tea and harmless smalltalk, the invited ponies felt right at home and left with a good feeling towards their new Princess.
The current guests however had very little reservations towards Twilight’s new status. She had been on friendly terms with both Lyra Heartstrings and Vinyl Scratch before and neither one treated her differently since her ascension. Since the fourth invited pony, Octavia, could not attend her position it was taken by Rarity, who currently sat to the left of Twilight at the small table in the main hall of her new home.
There was an amused twinkle in the fashionista’s eyes, something that was not shared by Vinyl who rather had a look of terror in her eyes. She had been explicitly tasked by Bon Bon to make sure that Lyra did not make a three letter word out of herself during the evening. Coincidentally the same word she was trying to put down.
“I don’t have any R’s.” Lyra smirked at her deliberate pronunciation of the letter.
Before any further snide remarks could be said Vinyl intervened.
“Why not let her put her word down? I can change it into something less….uh…offending.” She gave a friendly smile to the alicorn at her left side and hoped Lyra to her right would remain silent.
“Ok, fine.” Twilight replied and added up the points, while a grinning Lyra put her word down on the board.
Vinyl wished she would have had a B to add to Lyra’s word. Then she could have dropped the bass. Unfortunately she could only offer two letters that went with Lyra’s word. She could add M and would have had an awesome line about turning Lyra’s ass massive, but in present company she thought it might be a bad idea. So she opted for the other letter at her disposal.
“I’ll add my S.” Vinyl said and plopped the piece down. “Now it’s sass.”
“Heh, my ass had that before.” Lyra quipped and Vinyl barely managed not to facehoof.
Twilight ignored the mint green unicorn’s comment and added up Vinyl’s points. She also ignored the tiny amused snort of Rarity’s. Then she focused her attention back to the board game in front of her. With not much letters of usefulness for her to use at the moment, she put down a rather uninspiring “four” and added up her points.
Rarity also did not have much luck with her letters. After a moment of hesitation she put down “cat” and took new pieces. She didn’t really mind all that much about not scoring big. She was much more interested in the way Twilight would deal with her current guests. A Princess needed to also have to deal with a few ponies not quite attuned to proper court etiquette.
Vinyl wasn’t that much of a big deal. The DJ had enough common sense to keep things within acceptable boundaries. The mint green unicorn however had very little regard for proper etiquette it seemed. Rarity could see the mischief in Lyra’s eyes while she contemplated what for letters she could put on the board. Overall Rarity found the evening thus far highly entertaining.
Lyra hid a smirk as she found a word she could put down. Without hesitation she casually added three letters to the T of Rarity’s cat and waited for a response.
Vinyl’s response was to try and kick Lyra under the table. Unfortunately the lyrist sat too far away for her to reach. All she could do was to feverishly think on how to salvage that particular word. If she had the letters A, K and E she could have turned it into a sort of mushroom. At least Vinyl thought it was a mushroom, but whatever it was it was better than the on the board right now.
Twilight held Lyra’s innocent gaze for a moment and merely raised her eyebrow. Lyra didn’t blink and just patiently waited for the Princess to count her points.
“Really?” Twilight finally asked. “Don’t you think that is a bit immature?”
“Well I didn’t have the letters to write fertilizer, sorry.” Lyra simply answered back and shrugged. “But it is in the dictionary and isn’t a slang term.”
Twilight chose to challenge the other unicorn on that and consulted the aforementioned dictionary. Much her annoyance the word was indeed included. Still she felt that it had no place on the board and that the entire evening was bordering on Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie levels of immaturity. She shuddered slightly at the memory of that particular scrabble game.
“I object to that word.” Twilight said after recovering from the memory.
“Well then, show of hooves who is ok with that word.” Lyra said and stuck up her own hoof.
To Twilights surprise it was not Vinyl Scratch who raised her hoof.
“You are ok with that?” she asked Rarity.
“Well, it is in the dictionary.” Rarity shrugged.
Seeing that neither Vinyl nor Twilight showed their hooves it meant there was a draw. Lyra thought for a moment, but Twilight had an idea first. She didn’t want to press her authority as a Princess, but maybe there was another way.
“Maybe there is way to measure the level of maturity of each individual pony here. The most mature can then vote on if the word stays or goes.” The purple unicorn explained.
“So….like an age thing?” Lyra spun Twilight’s idea further. “The oldest is also the most mature?”
“Exactly!” It should have occurred to Twilight that something was wrong about the acceptance by Lyra of the proposed solution. In truth Twilight was banking on her thought that Vinyl was the eldest pony at the table.
“Sounds good to me.” Lyra smiled at the ponies in attendance. “So….who is the oldest one of us?”
Twilight cast hopeful glance over to Vinyl. The DJ just sighed and nodded her head towards a now widely grinning Lyra.
“She is older than me.”
“And thus I am the most mature.” Lyra ignored the glare from Twilight, the sigh from Vinyl and the giggle from Rarity. “My word stays.”
“Fine….” Twilight hoped that the rest of this possibly ill-fated game would remain somewhat decent.
“It’s your turn Vinyl.”
The DJ glanced at the board. As she had no needed letters to turn Lyra’s word into something nicer she put down a new word.
“Deck.” It was the only word she could come up with. The rest of letters at her disposal didn’t allow for anything else.
Twilight checked her letters after noting down the current scores. For a moment she was at a loss, but soon found that she could add a bit to Vinyl’s deck.
Lyra watched as the Princess laid down four letters. Then she snorted with amusement.
“Like that is anymore mature than mine.”
“A poopdeck is a nautical term.” Twilight explained.
“More like a naughty term.” Lyra commented back.
Rarity coughed for a moment and opened the nearby dictionary while earning an annoyed look from Twilight. Vinyl tuned out for the moment and chose to rather silently hum a song in her mind.
“It is most certainly not a naughty word unlike yours.”
“Don’t worry your hineyness… er highness.” Lyra watched with a certain amount of glee Vinyl cringe and Twilight’s left ear flick with fading patience. “I am not challenging it and believe you that it is what you say.”
Rarity kept her attention on the book at her side, but the little smile on her face was beginning to turn into a wide grin. With some effort she barely managed to keep a straight face.
Twilight sighed and turned to the fashionista. “It’s your turn.” She said and hoped this game would be over sooner rather than later.
With a final quick glance into the dictionary she close the book and added the letters B, U, L and L to Lyra’s four letter word. Lyra laughed, Vinyl wished for more hooves to facehoof with and Twilight turned her look very slowly towards her friend.
“Et tu, Rarity?”
“Sorry, darling. But it is in the dictionary.” Rarity gave her friend her most disarming smile. “I just checked.”
“Fine.” Twilight’s reply was slightly growled and her ear was now flicking with more intensity. Rarity thought it was very good practice for the new Princess in trying to keep her cool. Thus far she had been holding up rather well in her opinion.
“Your turn, Lyra.” Twilight briefly wondered if she should just end the game here, as it was apparent that things were getting just plain silly.
Lyra was at a loss as what to do. Two N’s, two I’s, an O, a G and X did not leave much to work with. At least on the track her mind was currently on that is. Then she saw Twilight’s and Rarity’s words and a light bulb went off in her mind. Deftly she put down five of her letters and was sure to be in the lead now after combining Four and Cat.
“What is that supposed to be?” Twilight asked.
“Well, when two ponies really like each other…” Lyra began but was cut off by Twilight.
“Yes, I know what it is. Fornication is not written F O U R.” Twilight’s patience was wearing thin. What didn’t help was the fact that Rarity now hid her amused smile behind her mug of tea. Vinyl was also torn between being mortified by Lyra’s actions and laughing madly. She chose the middle ground by grunting mirthfully and blushing slightly.
“What if there are four ponies involved?” Lyra asked.
“I don’t care how many ponies are involved, it is still without U.”
“Pfsh, typical. I never seem to get invited to it.” Lyra replied without missing a beat.
“I…uh…” Twilight’s brain ground to a halt. Partly because Vinyl was now biting her hoof in an effort to not laugh and Rarity’s mug was now shaking from suppressed laughter.
“Anyway, when I am involved it’s written with F U N in the beginning. Funication.” Lyra stated matter of factly.
“There…there is no fun in fornication.” Twilight was baffled by Lyra’s apparent disregard for the equestrian language.
“Then you are doing it wrong.” Lyra replied with a grin.
It was at this point that Rarity could no longer contain her laughter. She dropped the mug back on the table and coughed the mouthful of tea across the table all over Vinyl.
______________________________________________________________________
About an hour later the most peculiar game of scrabble had ended.
Twilight said goodbye to her guests and sighed as she trotted back to the game. It was certainly the last game of scrabble she would be willing to play for a very long time.
“Spike?” she called out to her assistant.
Ever since she had moved into her new home a new kind of problem had surfaced. Her residence was made in part out of crystals and gemstones. As it turned out they were the edible kind for dragons. So she now had the problem of Spike sometimes nibbling and chewing the structure of their home.
A few seconds passed before the little dragon came running up towards Twilight. He casually wiped his mouth of some left over bits of whatever it had been he had eaten. It looked suspiciously like part of the steps to Twilight.
“Anything I can help you with?” he asked eagerly.
Twilight didn’t have any energy left to chastise him for his eating habits. Instead she just pointed to the board game on the table.
“See that scrabble game over there?” Spike nodded. “I want you to torch it. I am going to bed now.”
With that she left the dragon alone in the room. Unfortunately she should have explained to him in a bit more detail that she wanted the game burned. So instead he used his magical flames to send it directly to Princess Celestia.
A few seconds later in Canterlot the ruler over all of Equestria briefly wondered why she hadn’t been invited to Twilight’s game of scrabble and judging by the words on it why Princess Luna had been invited instead.
_______________________________________________________________
A good distance away from Twilight’s castle three ponies stopped in the middle of the road. As it was winter it already was dark outside. The weatherteam had been busy for the last few days and let it snow almost constantly.
Dressed in her best winter boots, scarf and hat Rarity turned to Lyra and Vinyl, both of them also wearing their winter gear.
“Well, I must say that was an interesting evening.” Rarity beamed. “Dreadfully sorry about the tea, dear.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Vinyl shrugged the little accident a while ago off.
They said their goodbyes before splitting up and heading into different directions, Rarity to her home and Lyra and Vinyl to theirs that were next to each other.
Neither unicorn spoke, the only sound was the crunching of snow under their hooves. After a while Vinyl cleared her throat.
“You are terrible. You know that don’t you?”
“Oh come on.” Lyra protested. “The game wasn’t any worse than the one that we played a few weeks ago.”
“That was different. We are friends.”
“So?” Lyra cast a glance at the white unicorn walking beside her. “Twilight and Rarity are also our friends.”
“Yes, but it’s different. Twilight is a princess now.”
“Doesn’t mean that she can’t have a laugh every now and again.” Lyra grinned. “Valiant effort on your part on trying to salvage my words by the way. Like a knight in shining armor.”
“Who’s that? Does Cadance know about him?” Vinyl grinned and earned an amused snort from Lyra.
“See? You can do it.”
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t say that in Twilight’s company.” Vinyl sighed.
“Hey, relax. I wouldn’t do that either. I just wanted to make sure the board game wouldn’t turn into a bored game.” Lyra replied. “You know, without an A and with….”
“I know what you mean, Lyra.”
“Perhaps next time we should play a game of Twister. With four unicorns it is a horny game from the very start.” Lyra ignored Vinyl rolling her eyes.
“I don’t think Bon Bon would be too happy about that.” Vinyl replied which made the mint green unicorn shrug.
“I guess you are right. Best she would be invited too.”
“On the subject of Bon Bon.” Vinyl cut off Lyra’s little daydream. “Do me a favor and not mention any of the three and four letter words you put down tonight, ok? I would like to survive to see the next morning if possible.”
“Oh come on.” Lyra huffed. “You don’t really think she would do anything to you, do you?”
“No, I guess not.” Vinyl had to admit. “But think of your own chances of survival.”
Lyra agreed that Vinyl had a point. Bon Bon would likely not be very amused by Lyra’s actions this evening. She was a little funny about the use of too many rude words, towards a princess no less.
“You may be right.” Lyra decided to keep quiet about the details of her glorious efforts this evening.
___________________________________________________________________
They walked the rest of the way to their homes in silence. After arriving they said their goodbye’s and Lyra watched Vinyl cross the street to her home. Then she opened the door to her own home. Warm air washed over her as she stood in the doorway and shook the snow off her boots. As soon as she closed the front door Bon Bon appeared from the living room.
“Honey, I’m home.” Lyra said with a grin.
Bon Bon gave the mint green unicorn a quick look once over, feverishly hoping she didn’t have a scroll with her, informing them of banishment from Ponyville. As nothing of the sort could be seen, the sweet maker relaxed and smiled at the other mare.
“How did it go?” she asked carefully.
Lyra proceeded to slip out of her winter gear and gave Bon Bon a small report of the events of the evening. Vinyl’s warning was still fresh in her mind, so she would not mention any of the three and four letter words.
“Kinda fun.” Lyra reported and slipped her boots off. “I learned a new word today.”
“That’s nice.” Bon Bon relaxed some more and smiled. “Anything else happen?”
“Mh, not really.” Lyra hung her beanie on the hat rack and began unwrapping the scarf around her neck. “Rarity made Vinyl all wet and there was some talk about fornication without U.”
Had Lyra not been busy with her scarf she might have seen Bon Bon’s facial expression shift from a smile to shock, then to an angry frown and finally to a smile that divers would sometimes see on the face of the shark that was about to bite them. A smile that would have set off all of Lyra’s alarms that she had put her hoof in a four letter word.
Bon Bon walked up to the unicorn still fussing about with her scarf. She closed the distance and nuzzled a spot behind Lyra’s left ear. It was that special kind of spot that sent pleasant shivers down Lyra’s spine and made her legs wobbly.
“That’s nice, dear.” Bon Bon cooed into her ear. “Do you know what else doesn’t have U in it? My bed.”
Lyra had frozen up at this point, trying to keep her legs from going limp. Her mind was going into overdrive at what the rest of the evening would hold in store for her.
Without warning Bon Bon took a step back and her voice turned frosty.
“Luckily for you the couch does.” Bon Bon turned around and trotted towards the stairs leading up to the bedroom. “And don’t even think of sneaking in later otherwise the next place with U in it will be outside.”
Bon Bon switched the light off and went up the stairs. The echoing of her hooves on the floor could be heard for a few minutes, then it was silent.
In the dark quiet hallway a still frozen Lyra tried to wrap her head about what had just happened. It took a while for her to replay the events since she came in through the door. Her eyes went wide when she realized what she had said and how it must have sounded like to Bon Bon.
In the dark silent house a single voice quietly moaned: “Oh…poopdeck.”
“I heard that!”
“It’s a nautical term!”
Author's Note
Constantly editing and rewriting chapter of Stages took its toll on my sanity.
For some reason I felt compelled to write this little story to take my mind off Stages for a while and gather my energy.
Hope it earned a little smirk from one or two people.
Don't know if this will be part of the Bunnyverse or just a little fun on the side.