A Goblin in a Human Town

by Prince_Staghorn

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Cranky Doodle Donkey, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Matilda
Length: 1970

A re-telling of "A Friend in Deed", as seen through the eyes of Cranky Doodle... Goblin?

Cranky was typical for his kind: dirt brown, long-armed, bandy-legged, and not overly friendly. Seeking a new start, he settles on living in a human village near the Everfree.

Now if only this pink-haired girl would leave him alone.

(This is a Village Near the Everfree Story.)

Published 2014-07-15 03:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-15 03:20:01 UTC

The Goblin and the Baker

Most people didn't look at a Goblin twice. They were fairly common, not to mention non-threatening, so why bother?

Cranky Doodle Goblin was typical of his kind. Short, dirt brown, long-armed, bandy-legged, with a low forehead, well-developed brow ridges, drooping ears, a small bump of a nose, bare feet covered with sparse hair, and a simple tan tunic. Topping the entire piece was a fairly well-placed black toupee.

Behind him, the Goblin pulled his cart, full to the brim with his possessions. The old Goblin would unpack them once he reached his new home. The cart was full enough that a normal Human or another Goblin would have wanted some help, but not Cranky. He trudged down the road towards his destination. He had travelled the entire country for many decades, and now it was time to settle down and retire.

Apple Dale, named after the family of Humans who had founded the town, was a fairly modern village, but had its own rustic charm. The town was a peaceful place, despite the fact it was near the Everfree Forest. Everyone knew the stories, the monsters that could eat a Human for breakfast, the Trolls that wandered the paths at night, the Elves who came out and snuck into the homes of married couples, disguised as one of the Humans who lived there, and fed off the love they found before returning into the Faewild.

But Apple Dale was also home to Sweet Apple Acres, the home of the most delicious apples found from Appleoosa to the Capital, where cider made from those apples was drunk by high-standing officials, supposedly even the Princesses themselves.

Cranky pulled his cart into town, then paused. The entire town seemed to be in the middle of a song, focused on a single Human girl with strawberry-colored hair.

"...Come on and smile!"

The beaming face stared at Cranky's stoic expression, a noticeable contrast. She spoke first.

"I've never seen you before!"

Cranky felt this was redundant, since he was new to town, but a good Goblin never passed up a chance at a good insult.

"You're smarter than you look, kid."

Paradoxically, she smiled. "Thanks! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?" She looked at the initials Cranky had put on his cart.

"'Property of C.D.G.' I'm guessing the 'G' is for 'Goblin'."

Cranky rolled his eyes mentally. "Quick as a whip, kid."

She beamed even brighter. "Now, how 'bout that 'C'? Hmm... Calvin? Calhoun? Carl? Carmine? Carlo? Charlie? Chester? Chico? Claudio? Cletus? Clifford? Coraline? Cornelius? Cortez? Crank? Christopher–?"

It was too much for the Goblin. "Cranky! It's Cranky, alright?!"

Pinkie went on. "And your middle name?"

Wanting to get it out of the way, the Goblin mumbled a response. His middle name was a bit of a touchy subject.

"I'm sorry?"

Cranky raised his voice a little louder so the Human could hear. "Doodle."

"One more time!"

Defeated, Cranky sighed. "Doodle."

The Human gasped, her eyes seeming to bulge out of her head. "So you're a Cranky Doodle Goblin?"

Not waiting for a response, she bounced around, singing:

You're a Cranky Doodle Goblin guy,
A Cranky Doodle Goblin,
I never met you but you're my new friend
and I'm your best friend Pinkie Pie!

"C'mon, Doodle! Give us a smile!"

THAT was going too far.

"NOBODY calls me Doodle!"

With that, he hitched up his cart again, and trudged down the road.

This wasn't going to be as easy as he thought.

***

Cranky had finally reached his new home and started unpacking, when the kid showed up again. Looking at her, Cranky figured she was young for a human, 18 or 19 years, maybe. She had been following him all day, and while the spa treatment and the new toupee were a nice gift, she was still highly annoying. She began looking through his stuff, picking up a snowglobe.

"I'll give you two bits for this!"

"It's not for sale, kid, I'm unpacking." Now go away, he thought.

But she didn't, going on and on like a curious little Gobling, but somehow more annoying. But he answered her questions, explaining where the snowglobe had come from and why he had gotten it, though the memories made him feel like crying.

"Like me?" she interrupted.

He almost rolled his eyes. "No kid, you're extra special."

The kid was immune to sarcasm, it seemed. She picked up another trinket, one from Northton, asking where it came from. He answered again, but only half-heartedly, lost in memories. Pinkie looked at it.

"It's awfully pretty."

Distantly, Cranky answered. "Yes, she was..."

At the girl's confused look, he fumbled, finding a way to correct himself. She put it down, then went through the rest of the house. Cranky heard her talking, followed by a crash.

Cranky walked into the room. "What did you say-ayayayayay!"

The scrapbook was on fire! Cranky attempted to save his most prized possession, before water was dumped on it. Pinkie threw the bucket out of the way, a nervous smile on her face.

"There! Uh, all better?"

Cranky glared at the Human in rage. "No, not all better," he said, holding the book up, "ALL SOGGY!"

Her eyes widened like a puppy's. "I'm sorry, Cranky..."

the Goblin rolled his eyes, his voice showing sarcasm so obvious even she couldn't miss it. "Oh, you're sorry! Well, everything is fine!"

"It is?"

...UNBELIEVABLE! Cranky knew some Humans could be stupid, but this was too much!

"NO, IT ISN'T!!!" He began advancing, while Pinkie began walking backwards.

"Listen to me, kid, I will NEVER be your friend!"

Pinkie was outside by now. "Never, or never-ever?"

Cranky lost it, screaming. "NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER!"

With that, he slammed the door.

To Cranky, it seemed like everyone was always sticking their noses where they didn't go, ESPECIALLY if it was something near a Goblin.

Throughout history, Goblins had never formed an empire like the Elves or Humans, or even any kingdoms, like the Sprites. The reason was, compared to a lot of other members of the hominid family, they had the short end of the evolutionary stick. Humans were more adaptable, ranging from the flying Volants, Talons, and Imps to the magically-gifted Seraphs and Arcanes. Even the non-magic Human races, the Southlanders, Desert People, and normal Humans could beat a Goblin in a fight.

The Fae were no better. It was common for Elves and Fairies to invade ancestral Goblin mounds, driving the original owners out. Swarms of Sprites could even drive them out due to sheer numbers.

The kid had meant well, but she had ruined his scrapbook, the last thing he had to remember her, the only person he had truly cared about, and the only one who cared about him.

He couldn't forgive Pinkie for that.

However, barely fifteen minutes passed before she stuck her head in again, smiling.

"Cranky!"

Cranky stared in almost-horror. "No! NO! Leave me alone!"

He panicked, running past her, out the door and down the road as fast as his bow-legged stride could carry him. However, she was soon beside him.

"Wait! I understand that you don't want me as a friend!"

Well, at least that was good.

"So I just wanted to say I'm sorry!"

Hoping she would stop following, Cranky blurted out "Fine! You said it!"

"But do you accept my apology?"

"No!"

He headed toward Sweet Apple Acres. Somehow, she was in the first tree he passed. And the second. And the third.

"Oh, Cranky! Please accept my apology! Please!"

"No!"

Now she was bouncing from tree to tree.

"But I'm really, really, really..."

She jumped in front of him, an impact that should have broken an arm, but simply got up.

"...really, really..."

Dropping on all fours, Cranky ran like a Goblin possessed, over the hills to the top of the nearest mountain. Believing he had lost the girl, he wiped his brow. Then she popped out of the snow.

"...really, really, really..."

He ran to the closest bridge, hiding under it. a brick loosened, and her eyes peeked out.

"...really, really, really...

To the reservoir, where she was in a beaver costume...

"...really, really, really..."

To the town square, under the statue of the flowing-robed form of Princess Celestia...

"...really, really, really..."

Everywhere he went, there she was. What was she!?! A witch? A half-Fae? An Elf changeling? A Draconequus in Human form? How was she doing this!?! He ran home, as she screamed after him.

"SORRY!!!"

Using all his expertise, he chained and locked his door until an angry troll couldn't get in. But someone was still knocking.

"Cranky, please, please accept my apology! I'd do anything to make it up to you!"

"But there's nothing you can do! You ruined my book! You destroyed all I have to remember her by!" he yelled through the door.

"Her? Her who? The special friend?"

Whoops. He had said too much again. "Go away, Pinkie!"

It sounded like she left... but then she was back a few minutes later, with ANOTHER apology. He refused, when another voice spoke.

"Goodness, you really are cranky."

That voice... he undid all the locks and chains, then opened the door. Standing with Pinkie was a Gobliness with a simple old-fashioned dress, modified to fit her frame, short, curly brown hair, and small turquoise earrings. Cranky stared.

"It can't be... Is it really you?"

"It can, and it is."

"Matilda! But how?"

The Gobliness smiled. "Pinkie."

"Huh?"

And so it came out. Pinkie had recognized a few of the things in his scrapbook, because they were in Matilda's scrapbook, and put two and two together. He and Matilda talked, wondering what had happened after they first met. He had searched the country for her until he had given up and decided to retire to Apple Dale... where she had been living the whole time!

It was a happy reunion, and When Matilda kissed his cheek, the Goblin couldn't help but break out the biggest, widest grin he had. Pinkie spoke up.

"So does this mean that you accept my apology?"

Cranky looked at her.

"Yes, Pinkie, I accept your apology, and I am honored to call you my friend. "

The girl vibrated, then shot into the air like a firework.

"WOO-HOO! This is just fantastic! Ooh, now we can hang out together and chat and sing songs and party! Oh, I have to throw you guys a big party! It'll be called the 'Welcome to Apple Dale/I Found My Lost Love/I'm BFF's with Pinkie Pie' Party! ...Or maybe something less over-the-top and not so super-hyper..." Cranky interrupted before she rambled further.

"Pinkie, we're eternally grateful to you. But... Matilda and I just want to spend some time together in peace and quiet."

"Oh. Um, but we're still friends?"

"Pinkie, you went way, way, way out of your way to make me happy. Of course we're friends."

The girl beamed. "Great!"

With that, she walked off. Cranky and Matilda went into his house to catch up on old times. He heard the funny human girl singing as she left, but was more interested in gazing into Matilda's eyes... when Pinkie popped outside the window.

I helped the Cranky Doodle boy, yeah!
I helped the Cranky Doodle boy!

"Pinkie!" Matilda and Cranky said together. The girl grinned sheepishly.

"Whoops, privacy, sorry."

As she left, Cranky smiled. This had definitely been the right choice.

Author's Note

I know this isn't my best work. First attempt at a human fic. I know "re-hashed version of a canon episode! How original!" *Sarcasm!*, but I felt this was the best way to ease myself into writing a Human fic. I promise, no re-hashing of canon episodes after this, but it's not like i'm the first one to do it!