Chapter 1
Fate and I have never been friends. I also have a pretty bad relationship with luck.
I have a restraining order against fortune.
Sometimes, the universe glitches. The glitches can be anything, from a Missing Sock, to a Deja Vu. These are perfectly natural issues that happen, and no, you're not living in the Matrix. Universe glitches are caused by quite a few things, such as stars exploding, Galaxies colliding, and Atoms splitting. Glitches aren't all that serious.
But sometimes, on very rare occasions, the Multiverse glitches. These glitches usually change something a bit more dramatically, say, pushing material from one reality to another. These glitches are NOT natural, they almost have to be planned. Like, large Hadron collider explodes when you jump out of an airplane and a nuke goes off planned. Or, you have to be horribly, horribly unlucky.
This is where I come in. My name is Adam McCoy, I’m a lawyer. Yes I have a soul, and no, I don’t have cold blood. I’m single, 25, living in Wyoming, Michigan, and no the “city” not the other state as that would make me half a nation wide with one foot in the Great lakes, the other just off the coast of nowhere, and this is starting to sound too much like a weird online dating profile. Enough about me, moving onto what happened.
So? What happened exactly? What happened on this ever so dull, yet ever so important day of fate? Well, for starters, I clearly remember waking up. No casualties there. It was usual as far as usual gets- I had coffee, a bit. Last night I was up till about 3:00. I really needed it, let me tell you something- I Hate coffee. Not because the taste, not because the smell, and not because I'm some alien from mars with two-horse heads, since I happen to be a lawyer who spends most of his time working in an office. It's because of the heat.
Long story short,
Crotch burns, serious ones.
As a kid.
From my father.
.
Who flung it at me in a drunken rage.
ANYWAY
I shower, rush out the door before getting the chance to formally say goodbye to nobody, and head straight to the offices.
Oh, and by the way, when I say the offices, I ought to say, “hell.”, or well, I used too, but that’s before I got where I am now.
I won’t bore you with all stupid little details of why it was such torture, let’s just say the secretary, Josie, was so whiny, she made facebook seem tame. My cases always involved some family member losing their entire fortune going bankrupt and they thought somehow they didn’t deserve it, and my co-workers are well… co-workers.
By co-workers, I mean assholes.
Anyway, I arrived at hell at about 8:00, recently deceased from horrible traffic, and roll into my office, giving Josie a ‘good morning, don’t talk to me’ grunt. I barely had a moment to sit down, when I exploded.
Shit.
That was the first thing that went through my head.
The second was: Shit
So was the third.
It took me four thoughts to realize I wasn't dead. Nor was I in pain.
I heard a faint, yet constant beeping. That could mean one of two things, either I left my alarm on, or I was in the hospital.
After exploding, I'm going to say I'm in a Hospital.
I’d better be, otherwise Josie is fired.
I decide to open my eyes. That was mistake #1. Standing above me is a…Pony.
A “My little pony” made for little girl’s is standing above me, and without cinematic blurring to vision, I can see her clearly. Like, very clearly. As in clearly as if I was had been staring at her face the entire past hour and just now realized it. Somehow, I really don’t know somehow, but fucking somehow but she’s a pony, as in the kind that are the cheap-plastic-dolls-you-buy-at-Walmart-to shut-the-brat’s-up; Pony. And one things for sure, she sure ain't plastic.
What.
I’m not really sure how to react to this. It’s not a common situation. I've never been at a time in my life where I've had to deal with a 6 year old girls dream.
“Nice pony…” I whisper, scared out of my pants.
Mistake #2: Realizing I'm naked. Meaning I can’t be scared out of my pants, because I'm not wearing any.
And covered with fur. And feathers.
Josie’s getting sacked.
The pony looks at me, opens her mouth and-
“Yes? I think I'm a nice pony. I certainly try...” She seems just as about confused as I am.
Speaks. A My little pony just spoke to me. Am I high? That’s it, I’m never drinking coffee again.
I just look at her with a expression of shock, and she seems to notice.
“Are you okay hun'?” She asks with an expression of concern. I looked her over, Nurse cap, white coat, and red cross… tattooed on her ass. So probably a Nurse in the hospital.
Which meant that the doctors were ponies too.
And the populous.
Where the fuck am I?
“I died and went to hell didn't I?” This seems to shock her. Not that I guess I care at this point, I’m starting to realize that whatever my predicament is: hell, drugs, coma, some weird dream that connects me to a childhood I never had, whatever the case may be that without going through the shock of it, I look back on my past, and found next to nothing. Grandma’s cookies, I did like those, occasional visits to… actually no, no I didn't have any friends so…
Then I think towards my future. That’s a little more concerning. I could be fired, tortured in fluffiness and then dressed up in pink ribbons and laces dancing like a ballerina on a rainbow for the rest of eternity. I could be dying, or I’m just going to wake up and burn my sheets and pillows and clothes. (Which I so desperately wish I had again.)
I’m starting to weigh my options and choices as the Nurse next to me weighs hers about what to say next.
I hope it goes something like this. “Well Sweetheart, I just wanted to welcome you to (insert location here)’”
Sadly, It sounded more like a
“We don't use that language here, buddy”
I can’t cuss?
Nope. Denying this reality right now.
I must be dreaming. I need to wake up.
I could run, I could hurt myself and hope that works, although it looks like I don’t have hands to pinch with, rather something much fiercer and something that would probably do more than just pinch.
Claws.
Wait, no, checking the back of my body, hooves, wait... no, both. I have Claws and Hooves.
I start looking at the yellow and scaled claws right in front of me, and I’m staring into their gaze and their only response to me is, “What? You think I know why I'm here? Shit, I Don’t even want to be here on your ugly-ass arms.”
What am I?
That’s when I noticed how small I was, at least in comparison to the nurse. Was I just a tiny... what am I?
I started to panic. Really panic. Like, really really panic.
So without further ado or standing ovations, I take the most logical course of action, and pass out.
