My Little Pony: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Chapters

Prologue
A Change in Routine
Meet and Greet
Why Are We Here?

Prologue

On a typical Summer day in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash was engaging in one of her usual Summer activities. With a thin blanket and pillow, the cyan pegasus was lying comfortably on the outstretched branch of an apple tree, or at least she was as comfortable as one could possibly be while napping on a wooden branch. The tree she rested on was near the center of Sweet Apple Acres, the Apple family farm.

Applejack was a hardworking farmpony, and thus, she took midday naps far less often than somepony like Rainbow Dash. However, she had recently finished her daily chores and decided that some quick R and R was well deserved. With her hat tilted over her eyes, she rested against the base of the same tree that Rainbow Dash was using. She was well aware of the presence of her friend looming above her.

Both ponies rested for a few tranquil minutes before Rainbow Dash spoke out of the blue. "Hey, Applejack," she said, "Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

Applejack tilted her hat out of her eyes and looked up at Rainbow Dash for a moment, considering her question. "I reckon that's one of life's great ponders, ain't it?" she replied thoughtfully. "Why are we here? We go through life doing what we can, makin' a name for ourselves, maybe even makin' a difference; but how long does that last? Are each of us here for a reason, to make the world better or worse; or is life just simply what it is? Are we just supposed to go along with it and do the best for ourselves, or are we here to do something, something we just don't know yet? I don't know Rainbow... I just don't know."

Rainbow Dash leaned over the side of her branch and stared down at Applejack with a confused expression. "What?" she asked. "I was just asking why we're napping here, on a tree, when we both have far more comfortable beds to sleep on at our houses."

"Oh..."

"What was all that stuff about life?"

"Nothin'," Applejack replied dismissively.

"...Do you want to talk about it?" Rainbow Dash offered.

"Let's not," said Applejack.

As they finished their brief conversation, Twilight the purple alicorn stepped into view. She was heading down a dirt path at a rushed pace. The speed at which she was trotting was a dead give-away that something was wrong. Twilight was never in such a rush unless she believed something was important.

"There you girls are!" she said with a tone of relief. "Rarity and Spike are already at the Crystal Castle, but I don't know where Fluttershy or Pinkie Pie are!"

Rainbow Dash jolted up after hearing the urgency in her friend's voice and hovered to her side. "Woah! Slow down there, Twilight!" She said.

"What's wrong?" Applejack asked with much concern.

"I'll go get Rarity and Spike," Twilight announced without giving an answer. "You two need to come with me. We'll split up and look for the others. Once we find them, we'll meet up back at the castle!"

Rainbow Dash attempted to get some information from her. "What's going on?" she asked.

Twilight spread her wings and took into the air. She immediately began flying toward the Crystal Castle. Rainbow Dash followed her and Applejack ran bellow them as best she could.

"We don't have time to talk!" Twilight said frantically as she flew. "I'll explain as much as we can on the way to the castle!"

A Change in Routine

Sarge was a man of principle, two principles to be exact. Principle number one: red is the only color that matters; principle number two: the only good blue is a dead blue. Those two principles, those two facts, were the things that drove him to fight against the blue menace, those crafty devils that resided within eyeshot of his base. If you were to ask him why they were fighting or how the war started, he would have no answer, but no amount of logic would keep him from continuing the pointless fight.

Sarge was stationed on the only red outpost in Blood Gulch, a small, circular base planted directly across from an almost identical blue base. Blood Gulch itself can be most accurately described as a “box canyon in the middle of nowhere” with no real strategic value at all. Despite this, Sarge was willing to fight to his last breath to protect his outpost from the blue menace.

Blood Gulch was humid and hot with a sun that never set. The only vegetation that grew there naturally where a few small trees and short grass. Most of the landscape consisted of dirt and rocks.

Sarge was the commanding officer of his unit, proudly wearing the brilliant-red battle armor that signified his allegiance. The closest thing he had to a second in command was Private First-Class Richard Simmons, a maroon-armored soldier with the upmost loyalty (and envy) toward his commanding officer. Far bellow Simmons was Private Dexter Grif. Grif wore orange combat armor, though he always did whatever he could to avoid combat of any kind, not out of cowardice, but out of laziness. The newest recruit to the red team was Private Donut. Donut had an embarrassing name and an even more embarrassing armor color, a light shade of pink that he insisted was simply “lightish red.” Last was Lopez, a robotic assistant designed by Sarge himself, who was unfortunately incapable of speaking English. The red team was certainly interesting.

The blue team that opposed them was equally interesting. Their former commanding officer, Captain Butch Flowers, had died of an unexplained heart attack leaving the team without a true leader. Private Lenard Church had unofficially taken over Captain Flowers’ duties without being officially promoted. Church had light blue armor and a chip on his shoulder. Church had the misfortune of being accompanied by Private Tucker and Private Caboose. Tucker had “borrowed” the teal armor of his former commanding officer. He’s a lover, not a fighter, though the definition of “lover” is completely lost on him. Michael J. Caboose was far more simple minded than anyone else in the canyon. His inability to understand basic information was rivaled only by his substantial ability to make a bad situation even worse.

Sarge stood atop the roof of his beloved outpost. Using his long-range head radio, he called red command to send in a status report.

After tuning to the proper frequency, he spoke in his gruff, southern accent. “Calling red command! Come in red command! This is Blood Gulch outpost number one!”

“Hello? Hello? Can ya hear me? Hello?” a voice responded. It was the voice of a man named Vic. Vic was the only person who ever responded to their calls.

“Yes command, I hear you loud and clear!” Sarge replied.

Vic enthusiastically replied, “Yo! Sergeant Mc’Sargey Sarge! What’s goin’ on man?”

“That’s what I’m calling about. I’m here to give my weekly status report.”

“Roger that, Roger. Just give me a four-one-one on the what-what.”

Sarge paused for a moment to understand the intricacies of Vic’s last statement before responding. “Uh… right,” he said. “Well, the situation here is pretty much the same. Those damn, dirty blues are still stubbornly refusing to surrender to our superior military strategy!”

“What else is up with the blues, man? If ya got any new information about that, you can feel free to tell me, man. I’m your friend.”

“Well… uh… there’s still three of them…”

Vic replied in a dismissive manner. “Alright, alright, cool! Thanks for the update, compadre. Alright, now here’s your new orders, so pay attention, dude. Okay… First off, try to win. Also, try to do better than you are currently doing. Okay, that should cover it. Good luck with those blues! Vic out!”

Before Vic ended the call, he spoke again. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you one last thing. Command’s got a new assignment for you!”

“Is it a top-secret mission?” Sarge asked hopefully.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever you say,” Vic said absently. “Here’s what’s goin’ on: Command is telling me that they’re reading some strange mumbo jumbo coming from one of the caves in the middle of the canyon. As a matter of fact, it’s coming from the only cave in the canyon. That should narrow down your search a little, and make things easier. Okay, I gotta go for real this time. Be sure to report back and tell me what you find. Peace out.”

After a sharp click, the call was ended. Having received his orders, Sarge called his team together. Using his radio, he sent a message to his entire team. “Attention men… and Grif, we have a top secret order from command! I want all of you to get down here on the double!”

Sarge received a radio response from Grif. “Do we really have to get there on the double? Why not the single? Or maybe the half?”

“Negative, dirt-bag!” Sarge replied bitterly.

Before Sarge finished replying to Grif, Simmons had already run to the top of the base. Donut and Lopez followed behind him.

“Ha! I obeyed the sergeant’s orders first!” Simmons gloated.

“It’s not a race, Simmons!” said Donut.

“Yes it is!”

“Where in the hell is Grif?” Sarge demanded.

“Where do you think he is?” Simmons replied. “He’s down in the base, eating all of our food and monkeying about!”

“Monkeying about?” Donut repeated. “I’m pretty sure that’s not a real phrase.”

“Can it, Donut.”

“Can it? Okay, I know that’s not a real phrase!”

Sarge ignored the ongoing conversation and walked down the ramp leading to the bottom level of the base. There he saw Grif sitting against a wall and doing nothing productive.

Furious, the sergeant yelled at his lazy subordinate. “Grif! You good-for-nothing orange turd! I told you to meet me at the top of the base, and instead I find you down here monkeying about!”

Grif responded in a sarcastic and disrespectful tone. “Gee Sarge, I would have loved to come up there with you, but I’m just too lazy and stupid!”

“Are you being condescending?”

“Me? Condescending? Never!” Grif answered with more than a hint of sarcasm.

“I know you’re used to being a worthless and disappointing sack of crap, but this the first important mission we’ve gotten from command in quite some time!”

“Important mission? That sounds like command expects me to do stuff! I think I’ll sit this one out,” Grif said lazily.

Impatiently, Sarge issued a threat that was sure to get Grif to obey.

“Grif, if you don’t report to the roof in the next ten seconds, you’ll be bunking with Donut for a year!”

“Whoop! Break time’s over!” Grif said as he shot up to his feet and sprinted to the roof.

Sarge followed behind him and they both arrived just in time to hear Donut and Simmons finish their conversation.

“I’m telling you, it’s a real expression! People say it all the time!” insisted Simmons.

“But it doesn’t make any sense!” Donut replied. “What is ‘it,’ and why am I putting it in a can?”

“It’s just an expression, numb-nuts! It means ‘stop talking.’”

“You can’t stop talking by putting it in a can! Words don’t even fit in cans! Honestly, out of all the things you can do with a can, you choose the one that doesn’t make sense. Gee, you’re being a real glass-blower right now, Simmons.”

Simmons raised his voice in frustration. “What the hell? You’re accusing me of saying things that don’t make sense? That didn’t make any sense at all!”

“It’s a pretty common expression, Simmons. People say it all the time!”

“If I didn’t know how stupid you were, I’d say you were mocking me.”

Sarge sharply interrupted, “Simmons, Donut, stop being such glass-blowers and pay attention! What I’m about to tell you is incredibly important!” Sarge took a moment to make sure that no one was going to talk before continuing. “I’ve intercepted new orders from red command. They have a new, top-secret mission for us.”

“Is this mission actually top-secret, or is this just a normal mission that you’re calling top-secret?” Simmons asked.

“Does it matter?” asked Grif.

“Yes Grif. Classification is a vital part of mission assessment.”

“You are such a nerd.”

“Quiet, both of you!” Sarge demanded. “How can we be expected to get anything done if all you two do is talk?”

“We can’t be expected to do anything!” Grif said, “That’s the best thing about being us! Stop messing with the group dynamic!”

Sarge mumbled something about Grif and his shotgun before continuing his debriefing. “Like I was saying, we’ve gotten new orders from command. Apparently, they want us to investigate a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo coming out of the caves.”

“Scientific mumbo jumbo?” Grif repeated. “That sounds like Simmons’ job description.”

“Yes, but it also sounds potentially dangerous!” Sarge added, “So we’re bringing you along just in case we need to sacrifice you, or at least so that you can be used in operation meat-shield!”

“And I’ll need Donut to help me carry some of my equipment,” said Simmons.

“Why not get Grif to help you?” asked Sarge. After a few moments of silence, Sarge said, “I just realized how ridiculous that suggestion was.”

“This is kind of an off day for you, isn’t it Sarge?” said Grif.

“Then it’s settled,” said Sarge, “Donut, me, Grif, and Simmons will go and investigate the cave, and Lopez will stay here and make sure the base is safe.”

“[Yes. I will make sure the base is safe from those blues that never attack us,]” the robot said, speaking in Spanish, which no one could understand. “[Hopefully this mission will kill some of you.]”

“Ha-ha! Good one, Lopez!” Donut said.

“What did he say?” Simmons asked.

“Oh, he just said a pretty funny joke about pencils!” Donut answered. “Isn’t that right, Lopez?”

“[Negative.]”

“What did he say then? It didn't sound like he was agreeing with you,” Simmons questioned.

Donut responded with a chuckle. “Oh, Lopez, you’re such a comedian!”

“[Stop pretending to understand what I’m saying,]” Lopez demanded.

“Okay, Lopez, that’s enough jokes out of you. This is serious business!” Sarge ordered.

It took nearly half an hour for Donut to drag Simmons’ computers and scientific equipment to the entrance to the cave half way across the canyon. His efforts would have taken much less time if the other reds had offered to help him. Sarge, Grif and Simmons were waiting for him when he arrived. The warthog jeep was parked outside the mouth of the cave.

“Donut!” Sarge exclaimed as the tired pink soldier approached the group, “What took you so long? The blues could have intercepted the objective by now!”

Donut finally took his hands off of the heavy electrical equipment he had been dragging, and then he replied to his sergeant after catching his breath. “I’m… sorry Sarge. It just… would have been a lot easier if you’d let me take the jeep.”

“Nonsense, Donut!” Sarge replied, “There was only enough room for three people and I always have to keep Grif within meat-shielding range! There was just not enough room for you or the equipment you were carrying.”

“It just seemed terribly inefficient,” Donut commented.

“I think it was an excellent tactical decision. No one else could lead this team with the strategic skill and charisma that you do,” Simmons said to Sarge.

“Wow, that was off the kiss-ass charts even for you,” said Grif.

“Let’s just go inside,” Simmons said. He turned around and headed into the cave with the rest of the squad following behind him. The cave was very small, small enough so that the light coming from both ends of the cave could illuminate the entire interior. The walls and floor were all the same color of dirt and rock that was present throughout the entire canyon.

“Okay, whatever the scientific anomaly is, I’m sure that my equipment will be able to find and evaluate it,” Simmons said to the group as they walked into the cave.

Grif was about to say something about how there was no point in him being there before a strange sight caught his attention. “Simmons, I think I found your anomany.”

Simmons grumpily replied, “It’s called an anomaly dumb-a… wow… I wasn’t expecting to see something like that.”

The four reds stared for a moment at the peculiar anomaly that they had found in the cave. A semi-transparent, purple circle was floating a few inches off of the cave floor. It had no frame in place, but still kept its disk-like shape. It was illuminated by a faint, purple glow.

“What in the name of Red October is that thing?” Sarge asked.

“I’m not sure,” said Simmons, “It appears to be some sort of temporal anomaly.”

“I had a temporal anomaly once,” said Donut, “but the doctors were able to remove it and now it only hurts when I sneeze!”

“Not that kind of ‘temporal,’ Donut,” Simmons explained. “It’s a rupture in the fabric of space-time.”

“You mean like a worm-hole?” asked Grif.

“Not necessarily,” Simmons answered.

“I don’t see why anyone’s worm-hole has to get involved in this!” said Donut.

“Donut, do me a favor and stop talking, would you?” Simmons requested. Simmons turned around to face the other three reds. “I can’t analyze this just by looking at it,” he said, “I’ll need to go get some of my equipment first.”

“Damn it! I told you the reds would get here first!” Tucker said angrily from the other end of the cave. He, Church, and Caboose had all entered the small cave shortly after Simmons had asked for his equipment.

“Not my fault,” said Caboose.

“Yes, It is your fault!” Tucker corrected. “You’re the one who took over an hour getting ready for this mission!”

“It’s not my fault you guys wouldn’t help me with the toothpaste!” Caboose yelled. Turning his attention to the reds, he said, “Hey, look! The reds are here!”

“Yeah, dude, we know,” said Tucker.

“I am going to go and say ‘hi’ to them!” Caboose announced. He began to slowly walk toward the reds.

Tucker tried to warn Caboose. “I don’t think that’s a good idea-“

“No, Tucker. Let him do it,” Church interrupted.

Caboose continued walking over to the reds while exclaiming, “Oh boy! It is so good to see you guys again!”

Sarge retorted by firing a shotgun blast that landed in front of Caboose’s feet. Caboose immediately turned around and walked back to Tucker and Church. “They said that they did not want to talk to me,” Caboose explained.

“Caboose, no one wants to talk to you. We just don’t have the luxury of getting rid of you,” Tucker added.

“You’re just jealous because Church loves me more!” Caboose said defensively.

“I’m not picking favorites,” said Church, “I hate both of you equally.”

"I bet Church hates me more equally than you!" Caboose boasted to Tucker.

Grif complained to Simmons, “God, this is so boring! All these blues ever do is stand around and talk.”

“You do realize that’s all that we do too, right?” Simmons clarified.

“Exactly! They’re totally stealing our thing!”

Simmons decided to ignore Grif and instead turn his attention to the three blues. “Hey! You three need to get out of here right now! We found it first!”

“Found what first? The fucking cave?” Tucker asked aggressively.

“No, the temporal anomaly,” Simmons clarified.

“The what?” Tucker asked.

“I think I have an ointment for that,” said Caboose.

“We don’t speak nerd. Why don’t you try English?” Tucker suggested.

“We don’t care if you understand what we’re talking about!” Simmons snapped back.

Caboose commented, “He is probably just embarrassed because he doesn’t have the proper ointment.”

Simmons then decided to try to explain the phenomenon in hopes that the blues would lose interest. “It’s a rupture in the fabric of space-time,” he said. “Like a worm-hole.”

“That is fascinating,” said Caboose.

“Oh, I have got to hear this!” Tucker announced. “Caboose, explain what you just learned.”

Caboose complied. “That guy Simmons has a temporal anomomomonomaly because he ruptured all of the space-time in his worm-hole, and now he is very embarrassed because he also lost his ointment.”

“What?” Simmons exclaimed. “That wasn’t even close!”

“Aw, don’t worry, Simmons,” said Donut, “That happens to me all the time!”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait!” Church interrupted as he stepped closer to the anomaly.

“Does that mean we have to wait four times?” Asked Caboose. “Because I have trouble doing it once.”

Church ignored Caboose and instead spoke to Simmons. “You’re saying that this thing is like a portal?”

Simmons spoke with some doubt. “I’m not sure if portal is the scientifically correct term to describe this.”

Sarge angrily waved his shotgun at Simmons and scolded him saying, “Simmons, stop giving valuable information to the enemy!”

Simmons respectfully replied, “With all due respect, sir. The information isn’t valuable if I’m the only person who understands it!”

“Maybe it’s a teleportal,” Caboose suggested, “We have one of those at our base too.”

Church gazed at the purple anomaly for a moment as if he were studying it. Then, he turned to the red team and said, “Dibs.”

“What?” Sarge asked confused.

“Dibs,” Church repeated, “I called dibs. This portal is mine now. Dibs.”

“Oh, dude, he just called double-dibs!” said Tucker. “Now this portal is definitely ours!”

“This is a highly dangerous and possibly unstable slip-space rupture!” Simmons said. “You can’t call dibs on it!”

“I’m pretty sure I just did,” Church said smugly.

“Oh, just let them have it!” Grif insisted. “Maybe they’ll kill themselves with it.”

“How dangerous is this thing?” Sarge asked Simmons.

“I have no idea,” said Simmons. “Any matter that goes through this could be transported to an unknown location or possibly be destroyed!”

“Or maybe it will destroy a random location,” said Caboose.

“Hmmm, maybe we should use Grif to test it,” Sarge suggested.

While the reds and blues talked amongst each other, Donut was the only one of them paying attention to the anomaly. The purple glow emitting from the portal became more intense. The purple portal was getting larger.

“Uh… guys…” Donut tried to warn them, but the other reds and blues were too busy arguing.

“I told you dirty blues to get lost!” Sarge shouted.

“Fuck you, dude! We found it first!” Tucker retorted.

Church added, “Yeah, and I already called dibs!”

“Guys…” Donut repeated, fruitlessly trying to get their attention as the threat grew.

"You can't call dibs! We got here first, jackass!" Simmons barked aggressively.

"Yeah, but you didn't call it," Church explained.

"Rules are rules, Simmons," Grif said with a slight yawn. "I say we let them have the temporal whatcha-call-it. I hear command is very strict on the 'dibs' protocols."

"I won't settle for insubordination!" Sarge yelled.

"I WANT TO YELL TOO!" Caboose shouted.

"Guys!" Donut repeated again. This time, he was able to get their attention, likely because the purple glow from the portal had gotten so intense, everyone couldn't help but notice it. "The temporal thing is doing a thing!" Donut exclaimed.

The purple anomaly began to pulsate, constantly changing its size and shape as if it was warm putty. Every person and everything in the cave was tinted purple from the intense light it emitted.

"I'd like to take this time to blame Grif for this incident," Sarge said almost out of instinct, "because if this thing kills me, I won't have time to blame him later!"

Grif was in no way upset by Sarge's words. "If this thing kills you, I'll gladly take credit for it," he said.

"We should probably leave..." Simmons said, pointing out what should have been obvious to all of them. Unfortunately, none of the red or blue soldiers stationed on Blood Gulch were known for their fast reaction time.

There was a sudden flash of blinding light from the cave that was strong enough for Lopez to see from clear across the canyon. After that flash, there was nothing, no lights, no sound, nothing. It was as if the anomaly had disappeared and taken everyone in the cave with it.

Lopez reluctantly made his way across the canyon toward the cave. He wasn't concerned about his teammates, but he knew that if they had destroyed the warthog again, he would be the one having to fix it. When he arrived at the mouth of the cave, he saw the warthog parked safely outside. Lopez felt the sensation of relief as he saw that his idiot companions had managed not to destroy the warthog... yet.

The second thing Lopez realized was that it was unusually quiet. If the red team was inside of the cave, they would be talking. All they ever do is talk. unless the blues had shown up, in which case they would be shooting and talking. Lopez didn't hear anything coming from that cave. Lopez considered that they may have all died in a massive fire-fight, but avoided getting his hopes up as he stepped into the cave.

"[Hello?]" He called out, hoping desperately that there would be no response. The inside of the cave had changed. The purple anomaly was gone and the floor and walls near the center of the cave were charred. Lopez studied this for a moment.

"[I guess they're dead,]" he said with even less emotion than usual. "[How tragic.]" After expressing his sentiments, Lopez left the cave and drove the warthog back to the red base.

Meet and Greet

Without moving from where they had woken up, Tucker, Church and Caboose stood across from each other, saying and doing nothing. They continued to awkwardly stare at each other until Tucker finally broke the silence.

"Church," Tucker said.

"Yes?" Church replied.

"Why are we still standing here?" Tucker asked.

Church thought of an answer, and then said, "This is what we always do when we don't know what we’re supposed to do."

Tucker scoffed, "Okay, so we're just going to stand here until Caboose things of a plan. Great leadership skills."

"As soon as I figure out how to start thinking, I am going to come up with the best plans ever!" Caboose exclaimed.

"Maybe Caboose should be our CO. He's the same rank as you," Tucker said.

"Hey, fuck you!" Church snapped defensively, "You're a private too!"

"No, I'm a private first class," Tucker corrected, "Respect the rank, bitch."

"Excuse me!" an effeminate voice called out from directly behind Tucker. The three blues turned toward the source and saw Rarity and Applejack standing several meters away.

"You three wouldn't have happened to see an energetic pink earth pony or a delicate yellow pegasus by any chance?" Rarity asked, projecting her voice enough for them to hear her clearly.

Tucker said to Church, "I'm torn between my desire to hit on every woman I see, and my desire not to get romantically involved with a horse!"

"Well, they're ponies, so go for it," Church said jokingly.

Rarity and Applejack looked at each other with puzzlement when the three ponies didn't reply to them. "Do you think they didn't hear me?" Rarity asked.

"This doesn't seem right," Church said.

"Does it seem left?" asked Caboose.

Ignoring Caboose, Church said, "They're speaking English."

"Yeah, so?" Tucker questioned, "English kicks ass! Why not speak it?"

"We're on a whole other world, Tucker!" Church said with an annoyed tone, "What are the odds that we all speak the same language?"

"What? Do you expect them to speak Spanish or something?"

"No, I expect them to speak some kind of alien language! How are they supposed to know English if there is no Goddamn England!?!?"

“Maybe this is Earth,” Tucker suggested, “We haven’t been to Earth in a while. Maybe everyone’s a pony now.”

Church knew that Tucker wasn’t being serious, yet he still considered the possibility. “That’s… That can’t be... I just… no, that’s not it," he stuttered.

Rarity and Applejack trotted over to the blues and loomed behind them. Normally, neither of them would have imposed on the group, but these were a special set of circumstances. “Excuse me,” Rarity said with fading patience, “It’s awfully rude to not answer somepony when they ask you a question, don’t you think?”

Caboose replied, “Oh, I’m sorry. We were just busy talking about how we do not trust you because you speak England. It’s nothing you need to worry about.”

Applejack looked at Caboose quizzically for a moment, before she and Rarity both began to understand why the three blues were acting so strange. "Are you three from around here?" she asked.

"As a matter of fact, we aren't," Church said, "We hail from the land of none of your fucking business."

"How rude!" Rarity scoffed. She quickly turned her back to the three blues and gestured for Applejack to do the same. "Come, Applejack," she said, "I'm sure that if they were transported here like Twilight described, they would be asking for help. These ponies are just rude!" After saying this, Rarity glanced back at the blues to see what effect her words had.

Realizing that he was pushing away his best chance for answers, Church quickly changed his tone and pleaded, "Wait! I'm sorry, okay? I'm an asshole. But if you know anything about how we got here, we could really use your help!"

"I knew it!" Rarity proclaimed.

Applejack asked, "If you got transported here and need help, why were y'all being defensive?"

"That's because Church is an asshole," Tucker stated. "But I'm pretty sure we're the ones who should be asking you the questions here."

Church chimed in, "Yeah, like 'How the hell did we get here?' and more importantly 'How do you know about it?' We were sent here randomly!"

"This is going to take a lot of explaining," Rarity casually said.

"I certainly can't explain it!" Applejack exclaimed, "Just this morning everything was normal, and now we have all this talk about portals and dimensions and what-not! It's makin' me dizzy just thinking about it!"

"I'm not sure I could explain what's going on any better," Rarity admitted, "We were all so rushed. I'm sure Twilight could clear this all up when given the chance."

Church was becoming more aggravated than usual. He hated not knowing what was going on, and now two strangers were talking to each other about something that was directly related to him, yet he was left out of the loop. Church made it his goal to find out what was going on as quickly as possible.

Applejack turned to the three blues and politely said, "We're mighty sorry that we can't really explain why you're here. All I can tell you is that that random event that brought y'all here wasn't quite as random as you might think."

“You have a great lady-pirate voice,” Caboose complimented.

Rarity added, "If you three could just come with us, we have a friend named Twilight who understands this far better than we do. We just need to find two other friends and meet with her back at the castle."

After hearing the word 'castle,' Tucker interjected, "Meet with her back at the what? I thought I heard you say castle, but that can't be right. Can it? Is Twilight rich and hot… or at least one of the two? Because, if so, I'd like to get to know her on a personal level."

"Castles are nice, but I like forts better," said Caboose, "We have our own fort... It's blue."

"Twilight is a Princess," Rarity explained, "I suppose we forgot to mention that part."

"Kick-ass!" Tucker exclaimed, "You guys know a super hot, rebellious, young princess looking for love?"

"Just like in Star Wars!" Caboose commented.

"You can ignore both of them," Church said, "That's what I've been doing for the past year and it’s worked fine for me."

"You know, you don't have to constantly remind everyone that you're an asshole. It doesn't take long for them to figure that out on their own," Tucker said coldly.

Church slowly turned to Tucker and said, "I'm sorry, did you say something? I wasn't paying attention."

Rarity blurted in with an upbeat voice that in no way reflected how she was feeling. "Well, I can see that you three are very stressed right now. That's understandable."

"Actually, this is an accurate representation of how we act all the time," Church explained with a hint of shame, "That's the reason we need help. We can never do anything by ourselves."

"It is kind of like a game," said Caboose, "Sometimes Church will pretend to be mean to us, mostly me, and sometimes he will lie and say that he is not our friend; but it's all okay because he doesn't really mean it. We are the best friends ever!"

“I will never be your friend, Caboose!” Church said harshly.

“See? He’s playing it right now!” Caboose happily explained, “He plays the game with pretty much everyone, but he does it with me the most. That is because I am his favorite!”

Applejack and Rarity both watched the three bicker trying to decide what to make of it. On the outside, they seemed to hate each other, especially Church, but they had to be putting up with one another for some reason. Maybe Caboose was right. Maybe they were best friends.

“Just come with us and finish your conversation on the way,” Rarity commanded. She was short on time and tired of listening to their routine. “We’ll do what we can to help you.”

Rarity then leaned to Applejack and whispered, “Would you be a dear and keep an eye on them? Especially the teal one; he’s been staring at our backsides since we got here.”

_________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, not too far from the blues, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were walking together in a thick expanse of trees, completely unaware of the growing crisis. They weren’t far from the town of Ponyville, as Fluttershy wouldn’t dare go too deep into the forest.

With Fluttershy leading the way, they walked at a leisurely pace. Pinkie sometimes had to bounce and walk in small circles to keep herself from walking ahead.

“Do you see any yet?” Pinkie asked, “I still haven’t seen any.”

Fluttershy replied with a tone that hid the irritation she felt after hearing this question for the third time. She gave the same answer she gave before. “If I see one, you’ll be the first to know. The Southern Blue Bullfrog only appears near Ponyville during this season, but they’re also very rare.”

“Oh, I bet they’re gonna be so cute! I mean, normal frogs are pretty cute, but these ones are big and blue!” Pinkie relished with delight.

“Yes, they’re very cute and endangered,” Fluttershy reminded, “We’re only here to quietly observe them.”

“Why are they called bullfrogs?” Pinkie asked, trying to stir up conversation, “Are they half dog? That would be pretty cool.”

“No, it’s just because they’re-“

“Have you ever thought about all the words that rhyme with frog?”

“I… um…”

“Because I just did!” Pinkie said before she began to list. “Bog, catalog, log…”

“Okay, Pi-“

“Dog, smog, fog…”

“Pinkie…”

“Grog, cog-“

“Hey, Pinkie, do you want to play a game instead?” Fluttershy asked hopefully.

“I love games!” Pinkie said enthusiastically, stating the obvious.

“Something distracting and repetitive.”

“That’s my favorite kind!”

“Let’s play I Spy,” Fluttershy suggested.

“Okay!”

“I’ll go first,” the yellow pegasus said. She was paying very little attention to the game, mostly concentrating on observing the forest as she wasted her turn on something obvious. “I spy with my little eye… something grey.”

“Is it a rock?” asked Pinkie.

“You are so good at this game,” said Fluttershy.

“That means it’s my turn!” Pinkie said happily. She her favorite part of I Spy was picking something out on her turn. She looked around as she walked for only a few moments before she saw something perfect. “I spy with my itty bitty eye something pink!”

“Something pink?” Fluttershy repeated, giving it some thought, “Is it my mane?”

“Nope,” Pinkie said shortly.

“Is it… you’re coat?”

“Nu-uh.”

“My cutie mark?”

“Wrong again,” Pinkie said playfully, “Give up yet?”

Because she was never invested in the game to begin with, Fluttershy willingly admitted defeat. “Okay, Pinkie, you win. What was it?”

Pinkie casually gestured to Donut and Simmons, who were standing less than ten feet from them in a small clearing. “I was pointing to that pink guy over there,” she said.

“Oh…” Fluttershy said awkwardly, realizing they were well within earshot of the two stallions, especially considering Pinkie’s loud voice. “I don’t know how I didn’t notice them.”

“That’s okay,” Simmons said with a heavy sigh, “I’m used to girls ignoring me.”

Donut trotted a few steps closer to the two mares with a smile on his face. “You two showed up just in time!” he said, “Simmons and I were just about to start sharing secrets with each other to pass the time until the sergeant arrives. The best way to strengthen a friendship is to share secrets. I’ve got some juicy ones I’ve been dying to let out!”

“Please help me!” Simmons pleaded.

After hearing Donut say something that caught her attention, Fluttershy asked, “Wait, did you say something about a sergeant? Are you with the Royal Guard?”

“The Royal what?” Simmons repeated, “No, we aren’t from around here. We’re a military group from very far away. Although saying that is an insult to the word ‘military’… and ‘group.’”

"We're from the red team!" Donut explained enthusiastically, "My name is Donut, and his name is Simmons. We also have two other friends named Sarge and Grif, but they got separated from us when we were all sent through that inter-dimensional portal!"

"You were sent through a what?" Fluttershy asked after Donut had so casually thrown out that detail.

Pinkie burst in, speaking much louder than Fluttershy. "Donut? That's a great name! I wish my name was that delicious!" She darted next to Fluttershy and said, "My name is Pinkie Pie, and this is Fluttershy. She used to be super shy, but she's gotten a lot better at it!"

"She's getting better at being shy?" Simmons asked. He hadn't been paying close attention to what they were saying.

"No, silly!" Pinkie cheerfully responded, "She's getting better at being not shy. She's Flutternotsoshy!"

Fluttershy tried her best to quietly interrupt, "Yes, Pinkie, that's great, but what was that thing he said about a portal?"

"How come your friend doesn't talk?" Donut asked obliviously.

"I am talking!" Fluttershy stated. She was speaking loudly enough for everyone to hear her, but they continued to talk amongst themselves as if they couldn't hear her.

"Fluttershy's just nervous around new ponies," Pinkie explained.

"Excuse me!" Fluttershy yelled, finally raising her voice enough to be noticed.

Pinkie finally acknowledged her friend. "Yes, Fluttershy? Is there something you want to say?"

"I was already... *sigh* Yes, Pinkie. I have something to say," Fluttershy said with a tone of defeat, "I think Donut mentioned something about an inter-dimensional portal. Doesn't that sound important?"

"Yeah, we probably should have mentioned that," admitted Simmons, "We get distracted really easily. It usually happens when we talk."

"What's an inter-dimensional portal?" Pinkie asked.

"Simmons said it was like a worm-hole," Donut relayed.

"A worm hole?" Pinkie repeated, "Did you ask Simmons if he had the right ointment?"

"I totally did!" Donut replied.

"You two fucking deserve each other," Simmons snarked.

"Gee, Simmons, you don't need to be such a glass-blower," Pinkie said.

"THAT'S NOT AN EXPRESSION!" Simmons exclaimed, "That will never be an expression!"

"It's a pretty common phrase," Fluttershy said softly.

"I think we're getting off topic again," Simmons said.

"It's what we do," Donut said with pride.

"But we really should go back to talking about that portal," Fluttershy insisted.

Simmons commented, "I just realized that you two are accepting the whole portal thing really easily. I guess it's convenient for us, but..."

"This kind of thing happens all the time! And it's usually centered around us," Pinkie said nonchalantly.

Fluttershy tried to bring the conversation back on track. "What happened exactly? Where did the portal come from? Are you two from a different town?"

“More like a different world,” said Donut.

“More like a different dimension,” Simmons corrected.

“Which reminds me, why do you guys speak English?” Donut asked.

“Nah, somebody already made that joke earlier in the chapter. It wasn't very funny then either,” Pinkie casually remarked.

“I’m gonna pretend that made sense in your head,” Simmons said.

“Yeah, it did.”

"Maybe we should stay on topic this time, Pinkie," Fluttershy suggested softly.

"Good idea!" Pinkie said, patting her friend on the head. She abruptly shifted to speaking in a more serious tone. "Can you two give us any other details about what happened?"

Simmons tried to think of a way to explain the situation in words. "Well... our world is... we were... It's really difficult to explain."

Donut interrupted by quickly explaining what Simmons couldn't. "We're from a world where every one walks on two legs and has arms. We're from the red team, which is an army that fights across the galaxy and wears red armor; but we weren't fighting in space because we were stationed in a box canyon to fight against the blues. They wear blue armor. Someone at command told our sergeant that something weird was happening in a cave. So we went to look into it and then the blues showed up too. We found a weird portal thing, talked about ointment for a while, then there was a flash of light and we showed up here as ponies." After completing his explanation, Donut took a deep breath.

"Wow, that wasn't difficult at all, really," Simmons commented surprised.

"So, you guys really are soldiers?" Fluttershy clarified.

"Oh, definitely," Simmons said with heavy sarcasm, "You can tell by how professional and composed we are. In fact, we're actually an elite commando unit."

"That sounds super cool!" Pinkie commented genuinely.

"Wow," Simmons said, "Your understanding of sarcasm is almost as good as Donut's."

"Hey!" Donut interjected, "I appreciate the compliment, but now is not the time."

"You said something about a sergeant," Fluttershy reminded.

Pinkie Pie perked up. "That's right!" she exclaimed, "There are more of you aren't there? How many? What are they like? Oh my gosh! This is so exciting!"

"Trust me, you won't be excited once you meet them," Simmons warned. "If you meet them," he clarified. "There are two more of us somewhere. Sarge is our leader, and there's another guy named Grif. There were three other guys too, but they were blues."

"So?" Pinkie asked, "What's so bad about blue."

"We're fighting the blues. Didn't I mention that already?" Simmons asked. "I guess it doesn't matter though, does it? So, that means theres five missing people: two reds and three blues."

"What are they like?" Fluttershy asked softly.

"They're very... unique," Simmons said. It was the only compliment he could think of.

"People say that about me all. The. Time!" Pinkie said happily, "They sound like a lot of fun!"

"Yeah..." Simmons said hesitantly. He wanted to change the subject. "So, is there anything you can do to help us?"

"We should start by finding your friends," Fluttershy stated.

"And we should get our friends to help find your friends!" Pinkie added.

"Friend is a really strong word to use," Simmons warned.

Pinkie continued, "I bet Twilight knows what to do! And we can probably find her at the castle!"

"Castle?" Donut interjected, "Did someone say castle? I know I heard someone say castle! Where's the castle?"

"The castle's not far from here at all!" Pinkie said.

"Our friend Twilight owns it," Fluttershy explained, "She's a princess."

Donut stood motionless for a second, making sure he wasn't in a dream. "Simmons," he finally said.

"Yes?" Simmons replied after a brief sigh.

"Best. Dimension. Ever."

_________________________________________________________________

Deeper into the woods, Grif, Sarge, Twilight and Rainbow Dash had made little progress in their discussion. Due mainly to Sarge. Grif and Sarge had explained where they were from and what they knew about how they got there, which was next to nothing. The girls tried to briefly describe the world they were in, but one detail had eluded Sarge's comprehension.

"So, let me get this clear," Sarge said with a look of confusion, "You're saying, and I quote, 'The red ponies and the blue ponies are not fighting each other,' un-quote."

Rainbow Dash slouched her shoulders to show her aggravation and annoyance. "How many times do we have to tell you this?" she asked.

"Does that mean the reds have already won?" Sarge asked.

"No," Twilight replied shortly.

"Don't tell me the blues won!" Sarge asked in a panicked tone.

"They didn't," Twilight answered.

"So... does that mean we're still fighting?"

"No."

"So... The reds won."

Rainbow Dash had reached her limit. Tired of their back and forth banter, she dashed between Twilight and Sarge to try and get the message through his skull. "There is no red versus blue battles here period!" she stated, "The reds and blues are not fighting in this world! They are not fighting! They have not been fighting! And they will never be fighting! Got it?"

Sarge stared blankly into Rainbow Dash's rage filled eyes. Eventually he said, "I understand the words you're saying. You're just not arranging them in an order that makes sense."

"I quit," Rainbow announced.

"I don't think he's physically capable of accepting what you're telling him," said Grif.

"That makes me wonder how he's accepted the fact that he's in another dimension," Twilight commented.

"He probably hasn't," Grif explained. To demonstrate his point, he asked Sarge, "Hey, Sarge. What do you think is going on right now?"

Sarge confidently answered, "Clearly, we're under some form of mass blue hypnosis!"

"Clearly," Grif said in fake agreement.

"We don't have time for this," Twilight said with a mixture of aggravation, shock and stress, "We literally do not have time for this."

"What's going on?" asked Grif, "What do you know that we don't?"

"What are the chances that you and your friend will understand?" Rainbow countered.

"Somewhere between slim and none."

_________________________________________________________________

O'Malley had found an abandoned alley off the streets of Ponyville. It was dimly lit and out of earshot. The perfect place for somepony to talk to himself.

"MUHUHAHAHA!" He laughed maniacally. His voice echoed through the alley. "This place is perfect for me to enact my evil plan! MUHU-"

His maniacal laughter was interrupted when Doc took over their shared body to say something. "What plan?" he asked, "We got sent here on accident, remember?"

"Quiet, you!" O'Malley commanded, "I always have a plan!"

Doc interrupted again, "It's not anything to be ashamed of. Improvisational thinking is an important skill to learn!"

"Stop trying to make me feel better!"

"Well, I don't want to make you feel bad! That would be rude!"

"...I hate you... with all of my hate."

Why Are We Here?

Tucker slowly opened his eyes, straining to adjust to the level of light that surrounded him. It was very bright, far too bright for him to still be in the cave. The second thing he noticed was the texture of the ground he was lying on. It felt course but flexible. He was lying on grass, tall grass, but there was no such grass in all of Blood Gulch! He was somewhere else.

The third change he noticed was far more shocking. He lifted his right hand to rub the side of his head, but what he felt touch his head didn't feel like a hand at all! It was stif and smooth like a bone, and circular in shape. Surprised by this, Tucker turned his head to look at what he thought was his hand. It was not a hand. Instead, Tucker found himself staring at a dark grey hoof! Attached to the hoof was a leg covered with a teal coat of fur. For a few seconds, he studied the limb with confusion, before he realized that the leg was attached to him! He had a hoof!

"Gah!" Tucker gasped. He shook the hoof violently as if it was a bug he could shoo away. "What the hell did I eat?" He exclaimed.

"Church, I think he woke up!" Tucker heard Caboose announce. Tucker turned his attention toward Caboose, but instead of an armored human, he saw an unarmored pony. The pony was blue, the same shade of blue as Caboose's armor. His eyes were a lighter shade of blue and his mane and tail were both short and blond. As unusual as all these things were, the thing was the most strange Tucker the most was an image of three, light blue bubbles on the side of his flank.

"What the hell is going on!?" Tucker asked desperately. "Why does that talking pony sound like Caboose? And why the hell does he have a tramp-stamp?"

"That might be hard to explain," Church said as he walked into Tucker's field of view. Church was a light-blue stallion with black hair on his mane and tail. He had an image of a megaphone on his flank. "You should take a look at yourself," he said, "It happened to you too."

Tucker stood up and looked down on himself to confirm that this was true. His entire body was covered in teal-colored fur. He had a 'tramp-stamp' as well, a dark-red heart. "Alright, that's it!" Tucker declared. "I don't care how lazy we are, we are never letting Caboose cook dinner again! This hallucination is way too fucking weird for me!"

"I hate to be the one to tell you this," Church lied, "but you aren't imagining this. We woke up a few minutes before you did, and I didn't believe it at first either. As far as I can tell, that temporal anomaly thingy is what caused this. I don't know how it happened. I don't know where we are. I don't even know where the reds are!"

"The reds?" Tucker repeated. "Who gives a shit? Let's just find a way out of here!"

"Why are you guys acting like something's wrong?" Caboose asked. Following his question was an awkward silence.

Tucker asked Church, "He hasn't noticed yet, has he?"

"Nope," Church replied. "I've been waiting to see how long it takes him."

"How long it takes me to what?" Caboose asked.

Unfazed by his partner's obliviousness, Tucker asked, "Caboose, do you notice anything different right now?"

Caboose stared at Tucker for several seconds without responding. Then, he turned to Church and did the same thing. "Oh! I know!" he declared, "You guys look different..."

"Yes," Church said, encouraging Caboose to go on.

Caboose continued, "You guys look different because you are not wearing your armor!"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Tucker said hostilely.

Church attempted to calm Tucker, saying, "Don't be too upset, Tucker. That was a good first step for him."

Tucker ignored Church's remark and asked Caboose, "Have you seriously not noticed anything else about us? Like the fact that we've been turned into fucking cartoon horses!?!?"

"Oh, I thought you were always like that," Caboose replied, angering Tucker further.

"Please, explain how you came to that conclusion," Church requested.

"Well, since I've never seen you guys without your armor on, I just thought that you've been ponies this whole time! And you probably didn't tell me because you were too shy. That would explain why Tucker eats so many carrots!"

Church knew that there was no questioning with Caboose's logic. Instead, he sarcastically remarked, "Yes, Caboose. I've been a pony my whole life. I was born on a farm in Kentucky, and I pretended to be a human in order to join the military."

"I knew it!" Caboose said triumphantly.

"The only reason I eat carrots all the time is because they're good for my eyesight, and nobody ever lets me use the fucking sniper rifle!" Tucker said, directing his anger at Church.

"Oh, don't even start with that!" Church shouted.

"Wait a second!" Caboose interrupted, "Am I a pony too?"

Tucker sighed, "Yes, Caboose, you're a pony too."

Caboose looked down at himself, then smiled excitedly. "Oh, wow! This is amazing!" He said happily, "I'm so adorable! And I don't even need to wear shoes! This is, like, the greatest thing ever! ...Of all time!"

"I'm glad you're happy about this," Tucker said with little to no sincerity.

"Why so glum, Tucker?" Church asked condescendingly, "You haven't even made a single joke about giving ladies a pony ride."

"I only do that shit when I'm in a good mood!" Tucker snapped, "Stop using this as an opportunity to insult me! We're all in the same boat."

"We're on a boat? I forgot my sailor outfit," Caboose announced.

"Calm down, dude," Church said to Tucker.

"Calm down?" Tucker repeated angrily as he stomped a hoof on the ground. "I'll fucking calm down as soon as I have the same amount of legs that I was born with!"

"But now you can wear two pairs of pants at the same time," Caboose said.

"Tucker, when was the last time something bad happened to us that didn't eventually work itself out?" asked Church.

"I don't fucking know!" Tucker replied hostilely, "It's hard for me to remember when so much bad shit has happened to us over the years!"

"Exactly," Church said calmly, "This is just another day for us."

"I... guess you're right," Tucker admitted as he began to calm down, "But what are we gonna do about getting our bodies back? I can't pick up chicks as a horse!" Tucker thought about what he had said, then added, "Unless... they're into that sort of thing... which would be weird."

"How about we find out where we are and how to get back? Then we'll worry about how to get our bodies fixed," Church suggested.

____________________________________________________________________________

Simmons yawned as he lay sprawled out on his back in a clearing surrounded by trees. Donut was lying unconscious on his stomach beside him. Like the blues, both of them were without armor, and their bodies had been inexplicably transformed from human to pony!

Both of them had coats the color of their former armor, Simmons' being maroon and Donut's being pink. Simmons had a longer mane and tail than any of the blues had. His mane and tail were a shade of chestnut-brown. His dark-green eyes stood out in contrast to his maroon body and brown hair. Donut had a shorter, dirty blond mane and tail.

Simmons moaned and rubbed his temples. He was sore and tired. The last thing he wanted to do was wake up. He slowly opened his left eye and quickly realized that he wasn't in Blood Gulch any more. He was surrounded by tall trees, grass and flowers, none of which were present in the canyon. Simmons tried to stand up on his hind legs, but plopped back onto the ground as soon as he lifted his front legs. Something was wrong.

While still laying flat on the ground, Simmons looked to his right and saw Donut, the pink, unconscious pony, lying beside him.

"D-Donut? Is that you?" Simmons asked, receiving no response.

Simmons slowly looked over his own shoulder to examine himself. What he saw was not his body. Simmons held back the urge to scream, doing his best to assess the situation with logic. Something must have happened with the anomaly, he thought, We all must have touched it, and it transported us here! ...Either that, or it killed us and this is what hell is like. I'm stuck here with Donut so that wouldn't surprise me.

Simmons suddenly heard Donut moan, "Uh, what happened? I haven't felt this sore since-"

"Donut! You're awake!" Simmons interrupted.

Donut looked at Simmons carefully. "Simmons?" he finally said confusedly, "Why do you look like a pony? And more importantly, why do you have a tramp-stamp?"

Simmons was about to answer his question before he heard the tramp-stamp comment. Instead, Simmons looked back at his flank and saw a small picture of a blank computer monitor on it. "I don't remember getting that..." he said, "But I think I can explain the pony thing!"

"That's okay, Simmons," Donut said enthusiastically, "I don't remember getting this either!" He gestured to an image of a red bow-tie on his own flank.

"That's not what's important right now, Donut!" Simmons growled.

Donut was incapable of picking up the hostility in his friend's voice. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" he asked.

"It's not important!" Simmons snapped, "Focus, Donut, fo-cus!"

"Aw, come on, Simmons! It could be like a mystery! The mystery of the mysterious tramp-stamps!"

"The only 'mystery' I'm concerned about right now is where we are and why we're no longer homo-sapiens!"

"Do you think it has something to do with that temporal anonymity you found?" asked Donut.

Simmons sighed, "It's 'temporal anomaly,' Donut. It's not that hard to pronounce! To answer your question, yes. Obviously that's what sent us here."

"Well, Caboose said he had the proper ointment for that. Maybe we can ask him for help!" Donut suggested.

Simmons sighed again. "Donut, even if that was a good suggestion, we have no idea where anyone else is! They could have been taken anywhere else in the multiverse for all we know! They could be dead, or at the very least, gone forever! But fuck it. I know I'm not that lucky. All of the reds and blues are probably within a mile of us. That's how this stuff usually works out."

"But I thought you liked Sarge and Grif!" said Donut.

"I tolerate Sarge and Grif," Simmons corrected, "Just like how I'm tolerating you right now."

"Thanks, buddy! That really means a lot to me!" Donut said with a tear forming in his left eye.

"Yep, my second guess was right," Simmons announced, "This is definitely Hell."

"Aw, come on Simmons!" Donut said cheerfully, "It's not that bad!"

"Yes, it is that bad! I'm stuck in the middle of God-knows-where with a group of insufferable idiots! And because the Red Army has a strict humanoid only policy, I'll never be able to fulfill my dreams of becoming the leader of my own squad! That means I'll never be able to prove to my father that I'm not worthless and get back at that rotten bastard!"

"Wow!" Donut interjected, "That sounded like you have a few issues to work out."

"That good-for-nothing son-of-a-bitch!" Simmons grumbled.

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Donut.

"Donut, I want a lot of things," Simmons said, holding back some of his aggravation, "I want my old body back. I want a promotion. I want a fully funded 401k. I want Grif to stop eating all of our food and blaming it on space raccoons. But if there's one thing, out of all the things, that I want the least right now, it's a conversation with you about my daddy issues!"

"Realizing you have an issue is the first step toward fixing it!" Donut said.

"I can't believe it," Simmons said, "You're actually making me miss the blues right now!"

____________________________________________________________________________

Grif was fast asleep, something that was not unusual to him. Unaware of what had happened, he enjoyed a peaceful sleep. Suddenly, he felt a painful force smack the back of his head. It felt as if he had been hit by a rock, but that was not the case. Following the jolt of pain, he heard Sarge yell at him once again.

Sarge was a bright red stallion, the same color as his armor, with a flat-topped grey and black mane. The black and green emblem of a sergeant was proudly displayed on his flank. Grif was a chubbier pony than Sarge with more mass and far less muscle tone, an obvious giveaway of his slacker lifestyle. He had a messy black mane and tail that was long and unkept. His flanks were partially covered with the image of a warthog's steering wheel.

"Grif! Wake up, you good-for-nothing slacker!" Sarge shouted, "We've got a situation!"

Grif moaned, "Let Simmons do it. I'm on break."

Sarge shoved Grif with his right leg. "I said, 'Get up!'" he shouted.

"Five more minutes," Grif grunted lazily. He turned over on his left side, refusing to even open his eyes.

Sarge thought for a moment and came up with an easy way to wake Grif. "Oh no!" He said with fake worry, "Donut's eating all the funnel cake! Whatever shall we do?"

Grif immediately opened his eyes and shot up onto all four hooves. "We have funnel cake?" he asked, "I heard you say funnel cake! Don't lie to me! Where's the funnel cake?" Grif looked around and quickly realized that he was somewhere he had never seen before. After blinking a few times to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him, he turned to where Sarge had been shouting at him, and immediately fell onto his back in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Sarge narrowed his eyes angrily after witnessing Grif's reaction.

"Hey, look everybody!" Grif called out while he pointed one hoof at Sarge. "It's Clifford the big red Sarge! Ha-ha! This is too perfect! The look on your face is just too perfect!"

Sarge grimaced, "I'm not a dog, you orange buffoon! I'm a pony-horse-thing, and you are too!"

Grif slowly stopped laughing. "Wait... I am too?" he repeated. He slowly lifted his right hoof up to his eyes, and his laughter quickly changed to screaming. "AHHH!" he shouted, much to Sarge's amusement. He frantically looked over the rest of his body and saw that what Sarge had said was true. "What the hell happened?" he asked, "Where are we? Why am I naked and why don't I have any thumbs!?!?"

"I bet this was the work of those blue traitors!" Sarge said, stomping his hoof angrily.

"How are they traitors if they aren't on our team?" Grif asked, "Besides, I'm pretty sure it was that worm-hole thingy that we were sent to investigate, that thing that the blues had nothing to do with. Remember?"

"How dare you talk back to your superior!" Sarge shouted.

Grif sighed, "You know, it's been a really long time since I hated my life as much as I do right now."

"I hate this just as much as you do!" Sarge insisted, "Being stranded alone is one thing, but being stranded with you is just about the worst thing I can think of!" He looked up to the sky and cried, "Why, all-knowing red God? Why have you forsaken me? What have I done to deserve this?"

"Sarge, are you almost done? Because we should be looking for Simmons and Donut," Grif said tiredly.

Sarge ignored Grif entirely. "You could have just killed him!" he said to the sky. "We were just in a massive explosion. It would have been easy! But you didn't."

"Yeah, while you're busy doing that, I'm gonna go look for some locals to help us," Grif said.

"No!" Sarge yelled, "Don't even think about conversing with any natives! We could be deep in enemy territory right now!"

As the two reds argued, a blue pegasus and a purple alicorn flew overhead. They were both flying side-by-side at a leisurely pace, scanning the ground as they flew.

"My God! The blues have sent a search and destroy team!" Sarge cried, "Grif, prepare yourself for operation meat-shield!"

"Yeah, I'm not doing that," Grif said. He looked up to the two flying mares and yelled, "Hey, you two! Come down here! We're lost!"

"Grif! How dare you give away our position to the enemy!" Sarge scolded.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash hovered over them after hearing Grif shout. They both looked at each other for a moment, then descended down to where Sarge and Grif were standing.

"Great," Sarge said sarcastically, "Now they're closing in on us and it's all Grif's fault! I'm not even disappointed in him any more."

"Could you just cool your tits for five seconds, Sarge?" Grif asked sincerely, "I'm pretty sure these aren't blues!"

"We're in a bit of a rush," Rainbow Dash said impatiently.

"Oh, I'm sure you are!" Sarge growled.

Rainbow Dash studied Sarge with a quizzical look on her face.

"Just ignore what Sarge says," Grif advised, "He thinks you two are with the blue army."

"The... blue army?" Twilight repeated, "I can't say I've ever heard of that."

"We don't have time for this, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said.

Twilight nodded, remembering that they were in a hurry. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but we're very busy looking for some of our friends," said Twilight, "You said you needed help, but we don't have time to talk."

Sarge leaned forward and grumpily said, "You can help us by explaining why your friend there is blue!"

"I was born this way!" Rainbow Dash immediately interjected with a mixture of anger and confusion.

"Blueness isn't something you're born with! It's a choice!" said Sarge, "A terrible, terrible choice!"

Grif tried to be more helpful. "Like I said, you should just ignore him. What we really need help with is finding two of our friends... Well, not really friends, just two people we tolerate. There's a flamboyant pink guy named Donut, and an even more flamboyant maroon guy named Simmons."

"First, explain why you've been talking so much about some 'Blue Army,'" Rainbow Dash demanded.

"Have you been living under a rock?" Sarge asked rhetorically. A red flag slowly rose up behind him and fluttered in the breeze. "The Blue Army is only the most diabolical, cowardly, and disorganized group of bluetards in all of the galaxy! And we are the Red Army, the most elite, and the most powerful military force that history has ever seen! It is our duty, no, our privilege to fight alongside each other on the battlefield to defeat the clumsy horrors of the blue menace!"

"Where did the flag come from?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Do I hear music?" asked Twilight.

Sarge continued his speech. "For every red soldier is a shining example of bravery, courage, and valor that any man could hope to be! ...Except Grif."

"We've never heard of the Red Army or the Blue Army," Twilight said.

"Great jumping Jehoshaphat!" Sarge exclaimed, "There's only one explanation for this!"

"That the war between Red and Blue doesn't exist in the land of cartoon ponies?" Grif asked hopefully.

"No, stupid!" Sarge answered hostilely, "Clearly the Blues have developed some kind of diabolical mind altering ray-gun, that they used to wipe all memory of the Red Army, and make it seem as if we never existed!"

"If that's true, then why do they not know about the Blue Army either?" Grif asked, not expecting a logical response.

Sarge confidently replied, "Clearly the Blues are so incredibly stupid that they wiped out all memory of themselves by mistake!"

"I think there's a better explanation for this," Twilight interrupted.

"We do not have time for this!" Rainbow Dash reminded.

"We're going to have to make time," said Twilight, "Because I these ponies are exactly what we've been looking for!" She turned her attention to Grif and Sarge and asked, "Can you two tell me where you're from and how, exactly, you got here?"

____________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, an unfamiliar, dark-purple stalion walked through the markets of Ponyville. His cutie mark was a dark-red cross.

As he walked through the crowded streets with a devilish grin on his face, he heard a flower peddler call out to him from a small vendor's booth.

"Good day, sir!" The flower selling mare said with a friendly tone. She had a lovely assortment of roses, which matched her cutie mark. "I can't say I've seen you around here before! Are you new to town?"

The purple pony smirked. "Yes," he said with a deep, menacing voice, "I'm very new here."

"Well, welcome to Ponyville!" the rose mare said kindly, "I'm Roseluck. What's your name?"

The purple ponies grin deepened, revealing some of his teeth as his lips curled back. "My name is O'Malley!"