I"m Not The Main Character
I Introduce my Friends to Celestia via Car
It all started with a road trip to Canada. My two (and only) best friends and I were on our way to celebrate graduating from high school and getting into college.
I was riding shotgun in a sorry excuse of a blue 1995 ford explorer, a nasty hunk of rust with far too many miles on it. My legs were surrounded by candy bar wrappers and empty McDonald's coffee cups. Driving the deathtrap affectionately called Sasha, was Benjamin Ethan Norris. The coolest cool guy in school and captain of the football, basketball, wrestling, and soccer teams and my bestest friend since pre-school. He stared disinterestedly out the window as he took us down an empty stretch of highway.
"Are we there yet?" he asked softly. He popped his back with a groan.
"Uh," I put down my Gameboy and checked Ben's smartphone in the cup holder. I pulled up the GPS app and smiled. "Good news," I said as I picked my game back up. "We'll be there in just a few hours." I heard him moan softly. "You want I should drive?"
"No I'm fine." he took a sip of his coffee. "Im just a bit tired is all."
"A tired driver is far from a safe driver." I said sagely, "you should probably just pull over and let me drive.”
“No, I’m fine. Really.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Hmm,” I shrugged casually. “If you insist, then by all means, keep driving with your turn signal on.”
“What? Oh.” He flipped off the signal and sighed. “Fine, you can drive.”
“And you can play some Pokemans.” I smiled. “Just don’t go and throw my master ball at anything but MewTwo.” He just nodded in response.
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He pulled the car off to the side of the road and put it into park. He got out and stretched his muscular build with a sigh. “Ah, just smell that clean air.” He walked over to the passenger side of the car and began straightening his black and yellow lettermans jacket that was covered in dog hair, lint, medals, pins and letters.
“It does smell pretty fresh, better that shit air in the nasty little city we live in.” I stretched my thin arms above my head and groan as they popped loudly. “Should we wake Jen n’ let her stretch a bit before we take off again?” I looked in the backseat where girl with beautiful smooth brown skin lay. She was wearing a purple and black checkered hoodie, loose fitting blue jeans, and black winter boots. She was sprawled out, taking up all of the backseat.
“Nah, let her rest,” Ben said quietly.
“You sure? This could be the last stop for a while,” as I ran a hand through my shaggy blond hair.
“We’ll just pull over.” Ben said simply. He scratched his black goatee. Clean cut and complementing his tan skin well in an Ezio Auditore kinda’ way. “It’s not gonna be a problem.”
“Yeah, I guess. I just figured that since we were here,”
“Hey, you wanna wake the Beast, go ahead.”
“Well when you phrase it that way I don’t believe I will.” I smiled and walked over to the driver’s side and climbed in. “So, three hours huh? That’s not too bad.”
“Yeah. We would be arriving sooner if someone hadn’t insisted we drive through Michigan.”
“Hey, once we get to Canada we can tell people we drove through Hell to get here,” I said as I shut the door and put the car back into drive.
“And you think that hasn’t happened before?”
“Eh, as long as I get a laugh out of it it’ll all be worth it.” I pulled away from the side of the road and quickly built up speed to sixty. I kept driving in silence, the only sound from inside the car was the quiet clicking of buttons coming from my Gameboy. I drove us for a while before I heard some rustling from the back seat.
“Ugh,” Jen moaned and sat upright. “Are we there yet?”
“About an hour or two away,” Ben answered.
“Wait, who’s driving?” she asked.
“Yo,” I replied with a smile.
“Oh God we’re gonna crash.”
“Hey, outside of GTA I am an excellent driver.” I demonstrated my point by expertly maneuvered us along a gentle curve while staying perfectly in the center of my lane. “See?”
“Very impressive,” She said boredly. “Now gimme some coffee.”
“On it. Ben, get the lady some coffee.”
“Yes Mastah,” he replied with an accent only befitting of Igor. He sat my gameboy down in his lap, grabbed his coffee cup from the cupholder and passed it back to Jen.
“Thank you,” she took a dainty sip before grimacing.
“Too bitter?” Ben asked.
“Too sweet. How much sugar do you have in this?”
“Uh, about four or five?”
“Four or five what? Bags?”
“No, just small packets.”
“Well it’s too sweet. Ken, you got any coffee for me?”
“No, sorry, I finished it a couple miles ago.”
“Damn,” she pouted adorably. “Fine, I guess I’ll suffer through this.” She closed her eyes and drained the rest of the coffee. She shuddered and threw to cup at the back of Ben’s head. “Does the radio work on this thing or is it busted too?”
“The radio works,” Ben replied. “The speakers don’t though.”
“Well that’s stupid.”
“It’s not my fault. We can listen to Ken’s music though.”
“Yeah, and you know out of all of us, I have the best taste in music,” I boasted modestly.
“Well, watcha got?”
“I downloaded a few new songs for the road trip,” I explained as Ben unlocked my smart phone. “I feel it captures our complexity as individuals quite nicely.”
“It’s Lonely Island isn’t it.”
“Of course not!” I beamed widely. Then I followed up with a harsh whisper .“Hey Ben. Just, uh, just skip the first song.”
“On it,” he hit play on the second song and two, glorious words sang out to my dearest friends.
“Oh you piece of shit,” Ben laughed. “I love this song!”
“You know I treat my dude right.” I reach out my hand which he slapped jovily.
“What the hell kind of song is this?” Jen asked.
“One of the greatest songs by one of the greatest ska bands in the history of third gen ska bands.”
“What?”
“Don’t question, Jen,” I insisted. “Just, feel.”
“This song is unsophisticated and vulgar.”
“So am I and we manage a decent friendship.”
“He’s not wrong,” Ben commented. “He’d probably get a cutie mark in cursing.”
“I can crash this thing at any second you know,” I spat hotly, my cheeks growing warm.
“Oh come on, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, also, we’re on a stretch of country road. Theres nothing to crash into out here.”
“Fucker I’ll flip us,” I mumbled miserably.
“What are you guys talking about?” Jen asked, making my heart sink deep into my stomach.
“Don’t fucking say it dude,” I warned Ben.
“Say what? That you’re a--”
“I’m warning you,” I felt my face go red as I merged into the other lane.
“Theres nothing to be ashamed of,” he laughed good naturedly. “I’m one too.”
“You’re a what?” Jen asked.
“So? You can do anything and no one would question it! I’m a skinny dude that doesn’t do anything but play games and watch My Little Pon--” I tried to catch myself but it was too late. The car fell silent except for the music playing, making the silence somewhat bearable.
“Smooth dude.” Ben snickered.
“F-fuck you.”
“Is that seriously your big secret?” Jen asked surprised.
“Yeah.”
“That’s not so bad. There are worse things.”
“Yeah,” I grumble. “It’s just embarrassing is all. I don’t really have much going for me in the first place.”
“That’s...not true?” Ben said, making me smile softly.
“Whatever. It’s my problem, not yours. Let’s talk about something else, like why did the sun just suddenly get way brighter.”
“Did it?” Jen asked. She leaned forward to look through the windshield only to draw quickly back into the back seat. “Oww, that is bright.”
“I think it’s getting even brighter.” Ben looked up from my gameboy and winced. He put his hand infront of his eyes. “Why is that so dang bright?”
“Shit dude, I gotta pull over.” I tried to, but my arms went stiff. I couldn’t get myself to turn the wheel or even tap the brake pedal. I panicked and the light became brighter and brighter. Soon, all I could see was white and all I could do was hope that the imminent crash left me without a scratch or dead on impact.
Princess Celestia, proud co-ruler of Equestria, a vast grand land populated by prosperous and happy little ponies. She loved her land and she loved her ponies. She would do anything in her power to protect them.
But her attention was far too divided. Her daily task of raising the sun was always followed by a meal with her dearest sister. Then for the entire rest of the day, she was in the throne room listening to the woes of her subjects and the qualms of foreign leaders. She left the throne only during times of great peril. Times when even her capable protege could not do her job for her, as much as she hated sending her student out to fight her own fights. This was one of those times.
She and Princess Luna stood in a large circular room deep inside Canterlot Castle. Etched into the floor was a rune so large it took up the entire floor with it's intricate design.
"Are you ready to begin, Luna?" Celestial asked.
"I do not believe it matters if We are ready or not. We must perform the summoning now before it is too late."
"Alright then. Let us begin." The rulers of Equestria closed their eyes and focused their energy. Slowly, more and more magic filled the air as they continued their spell. The magic in the room grew heavier and heavier and soon took the shape of a bright white circle of light above them.
"Keep going Luna. We have the portal up now just pull him through."
"Well whoever he is he weighs a ton."
"He must be a giant then. We are summoning the mightiest hero across worlds and galaxies."
"But does he truly need to be so...heavy?"
"Focus Luna." They silenced and continued their spell to pull the mightiest hero Faust would lend them from across trillions if planes of existence.
Then a blue 1995 ford explorer fell on top of Celestia.
Author's Note
I cannot stress how much this is not a self-insert.