Apples Are Serious Business
It was a cloudy afternoon, past closing time, when an orange hoof knocked on the front door of Sugarcube Corner.
Mrs. Cake opened and saw Applejack standing there with a smile on her face. She looked more like the sun than the actual sun on a gloomy day like this.
“Why, hi there darling!”
“Howdy, Mrs. Cake! I'm here to see Pinkie Pie 'bout some pies.”
“Oh, yes yes, of course! I actually thought it would be your friend Rarity. She is coming over to pick up an order in a while. Come on in!”
Applejack followed Mrs. Cake through the door and closed it behind her.
“Pinkie is in the kitchen. Just go straight on in.”
Applejack trotted in to the kitchen through the swing doors.
“HI, AJ!!” Pinkie was bouncing up and down, wearing a huge grin on her face.
“Hehe, hi there Pinkie! You sure seem cheery today,” Applejack answered while dropping her saddlebags on the floor.
“Ohh, yes! I'm super-duper-super excited! It's such an honor to learn pie-making from a true master.”
Applejack blushed a bit. “Yeah, well it is quite a big deal, truth be told. We Apples don't go teach our secret family recipes to just anypony who asks. I had to call a family meeting to discuss the matter before I came here. I tell you, Granny Smith is very protective of these recipes.”
“And yet, she agreed? Ohh, I feel so super honored!”
“Nah, she fell asleep during the meeting so her vote was counted as a blank.”
“Granny Smith fell asleep during a meeting about me?!” Pinkie gasped. “I feel so honored!”
“Uhh, yeah... sure.”
Applejack leaned down to her saddlebags and pulled out a roll of paper with her mouth. She went over to the large table in the middle of the room and rolled out the parchment.
“Today, we'll be making Granny Smith's Classic All-Purpose Apple Pie! It's one of her simpler recipes, but still really delicious.”
Pinkie rapidly scanned the recipe and licked her lips. “Mmm, it looks so yummy. I can't wait to taste it!”
“Alrighty, let's get down to business then! Pinkie, you go prepare the dough. It's just your basic pie crust dough. The proportions are on here. I'll start slicing up some apples.”
“Okey dokey lokey! Uh, I mean: Yes, ma'am!” Pinkie saluted Applejack. “The apples are over there in that basket!” In the blink of an eye she was off getting stuff out of the cabinets.
Applejack couldn't help but snicker at Pinkie's over-energized enthusiasm. She trotted over to the basket and pulled away the kitchen towel covering the apples. When she saw the contents of the basket she did a double take.
Applejack picked up an apple from the basket. She frowned. She smelled it. She looked at it and saw her own frowning face reflected in the surface. This can't be right...
She had to make sure. AJ placed the apple on the counter top and grabbed a kitchen knife in her mouth. As she sliced through the apple something turned in her gut. The two apple halves parted and fell on their backs. They wiggled back and forth a couple of times before settling, flaunting their white flesh to AJ as if to taunt her. She went slack-jawed and the knife dropped onto the counter.
“Uh, Pinkie..?”
BRRRRRRRRR-
”Wh- where did ya get these... apples?” Applejack mumbled.
”Hmm? What was that AJ? I can't hear you over my super turbo-charged egg-beat-”
“WHERE... did you get... these... apples?!” Applejack said with clenched teeth and turned towards Pinkie.
Applejack's stare was on par with Fluttershy's. She looked as serious as if a murder had been committed. Or worse, as if a Pinkie Promise had been broken. Pinkie's smile started to dissolve as her egg-beater slowed down to a full stop.
“Uhhm... what do you mean, AJ?” Pinkie said and nervously rubbed her forehoof against her other leg. She tried to get a new smile going.
“These apples?! Where in tarnation did ya get them?!” Spit flew from AJ's rabid mouth.
“Teehee, I bought them, silly!” Pinkie said, suddenly wearing an umbrella hat to protect her from the saliva raining down on her.
Applejack did not pay her antics any mind. “Don't you dare giggle at me, missy! WHO did you buy 'em from?”
Pinkie's ears folded backwards, making the hat fall off. “Uhm, from... your stall at the market?”
“Stop your silly little act for once, Pinkie! You think I'm dumb enough to believe that?!”
“I... I don't-,” Pinkie's mane was starting to deflate by the second.
“I've worked with the same apple trees my entire life! Don't you think I know an apple from our farm when I see one?!” Applejack's eyes were rapidly filling up with anger, her hoof resting on the apple-cutting knife on the counter.
Pinkie feigned a panicked shaky grin, still desperately trying to keep up appearances. “C- can you please... move your hoof away from that knife, AJ... pal?”
Applejack ignored her and pointed at the apple halves hysterically.
“Look at it! The flesh is paler, crunchier and much more watery than any Sweet Apple Acres breed. The skin is waxier and shinier. This is a Calvin Core apple, right?!”
Pinkie swallowed. “Uhm... I don't-”
“RIIIGHT?!”
“...yes,” Pinkie confessed, turning her head down in shame. She was now in full Pinkamena mode.
AJ felt some of her anger being quickly replaced by disappointment.
“Pinkie.., just- how could you?!”
“Well, I just thought I would try something... new?”
“You've betrayed Sweet Apple Acres! You've betrayed me! For WHAT?!”
Pinkie glanced up at AJ and tilted her head. “...For apples?”
“Where did ya even get them? Calvin wouldn't dare come anywhere near Ponyville.”
“I bought them from his stand before we left Rainbow Falls. We started chatting about... you know, this and that and nothing in particular, and by the end I was walking away with more than I could chew... in terms of apples. Sooo, I thought: why not get the biggest apple-expert friend of mine to help me make some pies?” Pinkie forced a smile, trying to rub AJ the right way again.
Applejack paid her efforts no mind.
“What can you tell me about Calvin Core?”
Pinkie tapped a hoof on her chin and looked to the ceiling. “Hmm, lemme think. He's got a flowy yellow mane, a shiny cream colored coat, pretty dark green eyes, and of course a big beautiful smile!”
“Oh, for pete's sake! Were ya in estrus when you bought the darn things!?”
Pinkie's natural color concealed any blushing that might have been occurring.
Applejack continued. “My point is Calvin Core is a unicorn! These apples are MMO!”
“MMO? I'm more into table-top-”
“NO, ya dimwit! MMO, Magically Modified Organisms!”
Pinkie looked apologetically confused. “...I'm sorry AJ, but I don't know what that is...”
Applejack sighed. She was calming down... slightly.
“Look, farming and growing crops is an ability exclusive to us earth ponies, right? So how do you think a unicorn like Core can grow apples, huh?”
“I never... thought about that...”
“Nah, 'cause your head is too damn far into the clouds to care about the type of hard work our kind should know best! Do you think some pegasus or unicorn could bake cupcakes like yours?”
“Well, if I taught them...”
“NO! Look... I'm sorry I yelled at you before-”
“You just did it again.”
“Yeah, well it's just that us earth ponies must stick together when it comes to certain things,” Applejack said, and draped her front leg around Pinkie's neck. “We don't have magic or wings or anythin', but we have these!” She waved the hoof that was hanging over Pinkie's neck in front of her face. “We have a natural talent for good old honest hard work and labor, and that can never be replaced by magic.” Applejack looked firmly into Pinkie's eyes. She suddenly turned away.
Applejack took out a small red apple from her saddlebag and put it on the counter, next to the big green Calvin apple halves. She motioned for Pinkie to come over.
“Here, taste both of these and tell me which one you’d prefer.”
Applejack watched Pinkie taste the apples. Pinkie chewed slowly with a surprising amount of contemplation. After taking a bite out of each apple she stuffed the rest of the apples into her mouth all at once. After a few moments, she spoke her verdict.
“Aff ghtth sfhh, ah rhllg lhk vhhr upple mhhr!”
“Beg yer pardon?” Applejack asked, as she wiped apple bits and saliva from her face.
Pinkie pointed a hoof at AJ's saddlebag.
AJ smiled approvingly. “Yep, I told ya, there's true love and care in those. But instead you bought some disgustin' mutant apples from a stinkin' unicorn!”
“COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE!!”
Applejack turned. Rarity stood in the door opening, head low, front legs wide apart in an attacking stance. Her facial expression was furious.
Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes, mouth still full of apples. “Ohf, herh whee ghoh afgaihn!”
Applejack felt all the blood that had risen to her face during her rage quickly evacuating her head again. “Oh, Rarity? I- uh... didn't mean it like that-”
Rarity stomped aggressively into the room, while still managing to keep a dignified gait. “Then what, pray tell, could you possibly have meant by the words 'stinkin' unicorn'?!”
“Uhm... well, I was just..,” Applejack stammered. Rarity was now mere inches away from her face.
“Remember you are per definition under oath as the Element of Honesty!”
“Well, I- I...” Applejack started to sweat.
Rarity dismissively whipped her head in another direction. “Hrmf! We have had our differences in the past, Applejack, but I certainly didn't expect this type of nonsense from you.”
Pinkie interjected. “No, Rarity, it's all my fault. I goofed up, and it made AJ upset. She didn't mean anything by what she said about unicorns. It was... whaddaya call it... out-of-context.”
Rarity curled her mouth. “Goofed up? It must have been a rather large goof-up to warrant such... slurs,” Rarity said and shot a sidewards glance towards Applejack.
Pinkie sighed. “It kinda was. I bought non-Apple Family apples, from a unicorn.”
Rarity couldn't believe her ears. “Are you serious, Pinkie? You bought the wrong apples? That's all?” Rarity stared at Applejack, expecting some reaction.
Applejack realized how stupid it all seemed. “Yeah, well... I overreacted?”
“You overreacted?! They are just some, pardon my Prench, damn apples!”
“H- Hey! Apples are serious things to me.” The confidence in Applejack's voice was faltering. “Perhaps a unicorn like you can't see that but...”
“Watch yourself, Applejack... No more of that, please. You have hurt my feelings enough today already,” Rarity said flatly.
Applejack suddenly felt a heavy lump in her stomach. “I'm- I'm... sorry, I-”
Rarity interrupted. “If you knew why Pinkie was so interested in making these pies in the first place, you would perhaps be a bit more sensitive. That being said, we all understand that you take your work very seriously, which is commendable. But you have to get your priorities straight, Applejack, and you have to keep your emotions in check, and sometimes, frankly, keep your mouth shut. Or else, one day, you will venture a friendship.”
Applejack felt tears welling up in her eyes. Everyone stood in silence for a few seconds, waiting patiently for the next move which had to be Applejack's.
She finally sighed and took of her Stetson. “I... feel really stupid right now. I guess I owe you both a pretty darn big apology. Sometimes... I have a hard time sorting out what's what. My job is not just my livelihood, but my entire life, and my family's life. Apples mean a lot to me, but... in the end y’all mean a heck of a lot more. If I had to, I would burn down every apple tree on Sweet Apple Acres for any one of you. I hope you both believe me.” She stared down at the floor, tears dripping onto the floorboards.
Rarity went up to AJ and pushed her chin up to look into her wet eyes. She gave a soft smile.
“Of course we believe you, you are the element of honesty after all. Right, Pinkie?”
Pinkie bounced over to her friends. “Yup! And I guess I owe you an apple-pology, huh!”
Rarity wrinkled her muzzle. “What a dreadful punchline!”
“Oh, that's not the real punchline! I can feel it coming very soon though!” Pinkie's left eyelid started to twitch uncontrollably.
Applejack tried to move the conversation in a more sensible direction. “Riiight... so Pinkie, who are you makin' all these pies for? Anypony I know?”
“Calvin Core.”
Applejack passed out.
“Yup, that's the punchline alright!”
END
