I chuckled at the card Pinkie's daughter had sent me. "Pokey...come here, check this out."
Pokey peeked into the room. "What's up?" He trotted over and looked over my chair. "That looks like crap, did Pinkie send it to you?"
I glared at him, folding up the card. "It's her kid...my goddaughter...."
Pokey froze in place, staring ahead. "Um...ah-ha...ha, sorry."
I set the card down and wrapped my arm up around her head. "It's fine. To be fair it looks like something Pinkie would draw."
Pokey nuzzled my head and started to walk around my chair. "I didn't know you were a godparent!"
I nodded a few times, leaning back and watching Pokey take a seat on the couch across from me. "Yeah, I mean...if anything happened to her I'm like fourth in line to take care of Confetti."
Pokey covered his muzzle and started snickering, "Confetti. I mean...I'm not a big fan of human names, but Confetti just sounds kinda weird."
I scratched my head. "This is Pinkie we're talking about, she's not exactly the most mature person out there."
Pokey scratched his head, running his hoof around his horn. "It's a satyr right? Man...that mane on a human would look craaaazy!"
I stretched my legs, setting my ankles on the coffee table that sat between us. "That's no joke, she's got a mane like,"- I started squeezing the air, exaggeratedly tightening my fingers, -"like...super thick...something."
"Spiderwebs?"
I shrugged, leaning back in my chair. "Certainly the same annoying- strandyness.... Man, I cannot words today!"
Pokey used his magic to force my feet off the table. "It's an enigma, Pinkie's mane."
I put my legs back on the table. "Everything about Pinkie is crazy. She hit on me a few months after we met, we as in you and I, she's a spastic lunatic that is somehow right at least fifty percent of the time, she's everywhere at once, she's got a daughter that's half freaking human, half pony, she's always hyper as hell and she's just generally enigmatic! I mean...I once saw her hang off the rafters with nothing but her bare hooves!"
Pokey scratched his head. "Hooves are surprisingly good at grabbing stuff--"
"Dude...she was hanging by them, upside down, from the roof."
Pokey glared at me and knocked my feet off the table again. "Don't call me dude, ever."
I shook my head. "Would you prefer ma'am?"
Pokey rolled his eyes. "You know I don't have to be the bottom...I wouldn't mind being on--"
"I meant the whole maternity ward thing." I crossed my arms and looked off to the side. "I'm really just making a lot of stupid jokes and not making sense today."
"Oh...well, one of those days right?" he asked, rocking back and forth on his haunches. "I uh...hmm."
I stared at him, "...You want me to explain why you're not on top? Are we really bringing that up again?"
Pokey stuck his hooves up. "I'm just saying it'd be nice to change it up. I mean...hands are nice, but I'd like--"
"Smegma." I stated, putting my feet back on the table. "Every--damn--time."
Pokey started getting red. "I shower! I clean it off! I just don't know why it's so bad!"
I tapped my fingers on the arm of my chair. "It's not a big deal...I'm just not...letting it near me, until you get it fixed!" I clarified, trying to soften the blow. "I mean- oh wow...."
Pokey cocked his head. "What's up?"
I rubbed my temples and leaned back. "I just realized we ended up talking about dicks again." I crossed my legs, hiding my erection. "Every freaking Sunday, I swear."
Pokey crossed his forelegs, his wavy mane bobbing heavily. "Because we always start talking about kids. Satyrs...foals, babies. It always comes up in some way or another."
I scratched my head. "Speaking of, how was work?"
Pokey forced his mane back. "I got bit by a griffon chick, grabbed by a satyr, a foal chewed on my horn and the usual amount of stretched out vagina to round out the week." He started scratching his chin. "Huh...I wonder if most gynecologists are gay...."
I stared at him, squinting my right eye, "That's like saying...penis doctors are all straight...or something."
Pokey returned my confused look with yet another. "Uh...what? How is- what's a penis doctor?"
I grew a bit flustered, pushing the table away with my foot. "Get off my back...I'm allowed to not make sense after what happened today."
Pokey looked around, "Why, what happened?"
I rubbed the back of my neck. "I got ran over by a taxi...."
Pokey's eyes went wide. "Like a car!?"
I shook my head, "A rickshaw, still hurt though."
Pokey looked stunned. "Who the heck tried to run you over!?"
I started shaking my head. "We were working on the road, I was replacing some piping in a trench and some pony ran through our work site. I caught a cart wheel to the back of the head and slammed head first into the side of the trench."
"Celestia's ass, how is your head no mush?!"
I reached over the arm of my chair, pulling my hardhat from my work bag. I pointed out a huge brown scuff mark along the back of it. "P.P.E. always comes first."
Pokey levitated my helmet over to him. "Geez, crazy ponies...crazy ponies."
I shrugged, "They got the guy- mare...it was a mare I think." I scratched my temple, "I have to be honest I should have probably gone to the hospital...but I wasn't bleeding and our medic said I didn't have anything too screwed up."
Pokey started running his hooves along my hardhat. "Well I'd appreciate it if you took care of yourself. I'm a little attached...."
I waved him off. "It's fine. The mare lost a cart and got a pretty hefty fine, I'm fine, work got done."
Pokey dropped my helmet, "Wait...you kept working even after you got hurt?"
I shrugged. "Ponyville doesn't pay for slackers...it pays for work, and it wasn't that bad. I mean, I've got a pretty bad headache now, but I'm mostly fine."
Pokey's frown grew, his mouth hanging open. "You're not going to go back to work tomorrow, right?"
"I was planning to." I rubbed my mouth, "Bosh a few painkillers and work through it."
Pokey frowned hard, standing up and navigating the coffee table. He planted his hooves on either side of my thighs and hugged my chest. "How about you don't? It's movie night anyways."
I let my hands cradle the back of his head as he nuzzled my shoulder. "They kinda need me to work.... None of the ponies know how to set the pipes properly, and fitting the joints isn't too physical."
"Dan...no."
"But I--"
"Nope."
"Pokey they need me to--"
"Nope."
I went limp in my seat, letting my hands fall to my sides as Pokey's hooves knocked against my shoulder blades. "...Convince me?"
Pokey jolted on my lap. "Uh...are you serious?"
I looked down, resting my chin on his foreleg. "Kinda.... I don't know, probably not the best idea right now, right?"
Pokey let out a short huff and pushed back. "Yeah no. How about you go get some rest, masturbate and take a nap."
I couldn't help but feel a little perturbed. "...So...we can't have sex, but you're telling me to jerk off?"
Pokey shrugged. "It always makes me tired. I just think you should probably get some rest, I mean if you're serious about getting hit by a rickshaw you should rest." I grabbed Pokey's hoof and pulled it to the back of my head, running it along the rather large lump. "Oh wow...that's bad."
"Yeah...I don't know why, I thought sex would be like...a painkiller or something." I leaned back in my chair. "Like...feel good in my dick to make my head stop hurting."
Pokey shook his head. "So are you horny from the near death thing, or is it incidental?"
I scratched my balls, "Uh...I'm not sure. I feel really...like...cuddly...but like angry cuddly."
Pokey hopped off my lap. "What does that even mean? Like, defensive?"
I shrugged. "Like I want to hug something, and punch something at the same time."
Pokey started laughing. "You nearly died, feeling a little unfulfilled?" Pokey started heading off towards our kitchen. "I'm gonna get you some ice, alright?"
"Uh...yeah, thanks." I adjusted myself, spreading my legs and giving myself some room. "I don't know, I was like, holy shit I almost died! Then I started regretting a bunch of shit before I realized I wasn't going to die."
Pokey walked back in, levitating a zip lock full of ice over to me and prancing off to the couch. "Regretting what?"
I clutched the soothing cold to my head. "Like not doing anything! I don't have any permanent mark on Earth or Equestria. I mean...my dad had kids, my brother drew st--he still draws stuff, my sister is like a reporter. What the hell am I, some city worker. I'll make sure they put that on my grave, worked dutifully in a pit of shit, died replacing a water pipe, equestrian hero."
Pokey cocked his head. "You're like...not even thirty, I mean I'm older than you and I'm like...twenty-eight."
I scratched my cheek, "You're twenty-seven."
Pokey tapped his hooves together, "Still? Huh...I'm young...."
I nearly jumped from my chair. "How do you not know how old you are!?"
Pokey rolled his hoof. "It's not really the biggest deal with me."
I rubbed my eyes, my headache starting to subside. "Look, it doesn't matter. I just- I need to write a book or something! I need to have something cool I've done."
Pokey laid down across the couch, propping his head up with his hoof. "We could get a dog...."
I sank back into my seat. "It's not the same." I crossed my arms, "I want a kid...or something...something that can talk back, not just a pet." I held my hands out, "I wanna raise something."
Pokey moved his hoof to his cheek. "Uh, we're not even married, and you want a kid?"
I rubbed my face hard. "Look...don't take this the wrong way but, I, want a kid. I don't care if it's with you, I just want something to be all defensive about."
Pokey shrugged. "You remind me of the mares I see in the maternity ward. You in heat?"
"That's not funny!" I snapped, laying back in my seat. "Eh! It's nothing, not a big deal. NBD!"
Pokey rolled onto his back. "It's not a bad idea. I mean, Celestia knows I've kept enough foals alive, I've got a heck of a lot of practice. Just seems kinda sudden is all."
I shrugged. "It's a stupid idea anyways. Damn gays and their lack of embryos!" I mumbled, shaking my fist in the air. "...Pokey what the hell is wrong with me?"
Pokey sat upright, "You got run over by a cart. That'd be my guess."
I mumbled and muttered to myself. "Confetti is just so cute...her legs are just so freaking adorable and she's got the cutest little face. I wish Pinkie would come visit more."
Pokey rolled off the couch, walking up to me and giving me a quick peck on the chin. "Just get some rest. Let those fatherly urges squirt down the drain."
I stared at him with an unamused gaze. "Will you stop telling me to jerk off?"
Pokey kicked my foot with his back leg. "You're the one bitching. Mr. All the sudden I want a foal."
I sank into my chair, letting my hips fall off the edge and my back rest against the bottom cushion. "I wonder if this is normal."
Pokey started yelling from the other room. "As normal as you can be right now!"
I settled into my new terrible posture. "...So who are we inviting to movie night?"
"I got some friends from the hospital, one said she'd come hang out if we didn't try anything."
I stared up at the ceiling. "Was she being funny or does she not know?"
"Don't know!"
I took the ice off the back of my numb head and plopped the soggy mess down on the floor. "Well what are we watching?"
"I got a couple episodes of It's Always Sunny In Fillydelphia."
I felt my lower lip tug upward, forming a rather cartoonish frown. "Pony Mac sucks...."
Pokey peeked back in, looking me over as I laid on the floor. "Are you freaking melting, what's going on?"
I growled angrily. "I don't wanna watch some pony remake, we should watch something original."
Pokey walked over, hovering his head over me. "What, you wanna watch New Lunar Republic or something?"
I let out a long sigh. "I guess. Pony movies just kinda suck...."
Pokey started laughing, "Then why do you have so much stallion porn!?"
I started sputtering and rolled onto my gut. "That's different! Those aren't movies!"
"Yes, they are!"
"No--"
"Uuuhuh."
"No!"
"New Lunar Republic it is." Pokey yelped, tossing a DVD onto my back. I reached back and found the case covered with pictures of Luna and a stereotypical scruffy bat pony.
I scratched my head as I stared at the cover. "So does Luna know they used her likeness?"