A Diction Affliction

by alexmagnet

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 6670

Upon discovering an ancient artifact, Rainbow Dash and Twilight unwittingly unleash a curse upon Ponyville that causes everyone to speak in puns. Twilight sees it as divine pun-ishment, and it drives her nuts.

After reading about Daring Do's failed attempt to secure an ancient artifact, Twilight and Rainbow Dash take it upon themselves to find it in her place. Unfortunately, not only do they find it, but by reading a passage from the book, Rainbow Dash accidentally unleashes a curse which causes everyone in Ponyville to speak in puns. This, of course, drives Twilight up the wall, especially since she's the only one who seems to notice.

Published 2014-07-17 02:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-17 02:40:03 UTC

Puny Puns Punish Punks

Twilight’s horn sparked a bit as she accidentally bumped into the rocky wall. Rubbing her forehead, she muttered, "Ow, stupid horn. Why won't you stay lit?"

There was a tomboyish chuckle from behind her. "What's the matter? Batteries run out on that thing or something?"

"Ha ha," Twilight laughed mockingly. "Very funny, Rainbow. No, it probably just needs a good shake is all." Closing her eyes, she rocked her head back and forth rapidly. Light appeared at the tip of her horn, dim though it was. But after a bit more vigorous shaking, it grew brighter and brighter until it finally lit up the whole room. "Ah, there we go," said Twilight cheerfully. "Now we can see where... we're... going." Her voice trailed off as the massive cavern before them was illuminated by a bright purple glow.

Rainbow whistled softly. "Whoa..."

Stalactites hung from the ceiling, dripping mineral deposits at exact intervals and echoing around the chamber. Minus the light from Twilight’s horn, there was nothing to illuminate the vast cavern, which meant the place was filled with ominous shadows that lurked around every corner and behind every stalagmite. As bright as her horn was, Twilight still couldn't see very far, so she decided to gather up all the light at the tip of her horn into a little incandescent ball. Then, once she'd separated it from her horn, she launched into air and towards the ceiling. Slowly it drifted upwards until it eventually stuck itself on the tip of a large stalactite. Light rained down from the little ball, now fully illuminating the cavern.

"Look, over there," said Twilight, pointing her hoof toward the far end of the chamber where a set of roughly-hewn stairs spiralled upwards and out of sight. "I guess that's where we're supposed to go, huh? Looks kinda creepy, doesn't it?"

Rainbow followed Twilight’s hoof, then nodded. "Yeah, it's just like Daring Do described it in the book. Man, who would've guessed it actually exists?"

"Well, once we found out A.K. Yearling was Daring Do, it logically follows that the places Daring went to in the books were real places," said Twilight with a shrug. "We wouldn't have come all this way if that weren't a possibility, right?"

"It's not that far," said Rainbow with a dismissive wave of her hoof. "We only took one train for, like, an hour."

"Yeah, and then walked for another hour to the outskirts of Lemonwood, and then spent three more hours trekking through this cave just to make it here."

"Good thing we left so early, huh?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I guess we better start heading up the stairs, huh? Who knows what's waiting up there for us. This is the only treasure Daring never got."

"Well, only 'cause Auhizotl showed up at the last minute and stopped her," said Rainbow knowingly. "She totally woulda had it otherwise."

"It's a good thing she didn't though," retorted Twilight, "otherwise we wouldn't be here now, right? It was you who said she wanted to go on a 'Daring Do-style' adventure, Rainbow."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just sayin' Daring woulda had that tome like nobody's business if it weren't for Auhizotl cheating like that."

"Is it really cheating if he's the villain?"

Rainbow gave an exasperated sigh. "You know what I mean."

Chuckling, Twilight waved her hoof. "Come on, let's hurry up and go get that tome. I want to get back home before dinner." Eyeing the somewhat steep slope downwards in front of her, Twilight tested it with a hoof. She didn't slip immediately, which was a good sign. "Looks stable enough that we can just slide down this."

"Pssh," said Rainbow as she unfurled her wings and lifted into the air. "Forget that noise. Let's just fly over there. We both have wings, right?"

Twilight glanced back at her own wings, giving them a little flutter. "I don't know about that, Rainbow. There could be traps and stuff hanging from the ceiling that we can't see. That's how Auhizotl caught Daring in that net, remember? Plus it'd be pretty easy to whack your head against a stalactite or something. It's safer just to walk."

"Like I'm gonna do something as stupid as—Ow!" Rainbow rubbed the back of her head where she'd just whacked it against a stalactite. Floating back down to the ground, she gave a sheepish grin. "So maybe you were right about that..."

After shaking her head with a small sigh, Twilight turned back to the slope and carefully stepped on to it. Immediately she lost her footing and slipped down. "Whoa!" she cried out, grabbing Rainbow by the tail and dragging her down too. The two ponies slipped and tumbled down the slope until, rolling over top of one another and bumping over rocks and small stalagmites until they eventually came to rest at the foot of the hill in a breathless heap. Shoving Rainbow off her, Twilight laughed awkwardly. "See? That wasn't so hard."

Rainbow slowly sat up, alternately rubbing her flank and her back. "Gah, it feels like someone just hit me in the back with a sack of rocks. It freakin' hurts."

Twilight looked back at the trail they'd created tumbling down the slope. "Heh, can't imagine why." After taking a moment to nurse their sore backs, Twilight heaved herself up and then held out a hoof for Rainbow, saying, "Come on, we made it to the bottom. Now we just need to go up the stairs."

Rainbow took Twilight’s hoof and used it to pull herself up. Dusting her hindquarters off, she said, "If you fall down the stairs, don't take me with you."

"Duly noted."

Navigating their way through the maze of stalagmites they were lucky to not have crashed into, the intrepid pair made their way to the spiral staircase. They walked around little pools of water, and under massive stalactites that hung from the ceiling like stone chandeliers, past strange formations and through arches until they finally reached the end. The staircase towered above them, soaring straight up into the ceiling and beyond their vision. It appeared to be carved into the cavern's wall itself, though by whom Twilight couldn't even fathom a guess. She placed her hoof on the first step. It was slick with some kind of moss, or water of some kind, though it seemed stable enough.

Wordlessly, the two gave each other quick nods and then began their hike up the stairs. Twilight slipped a couple times on the way up, but Rainbow was always there to catch her and push her back up. On the other hand, Rainbow didn't even slip once, and was inexplicably more sure-footed than Twilight. Probably because she was just agile in general, Twilight guessed. Either way, when they were near the top, Rainbow asked, "Hey, by the way, how long is that magic light ball thing gonna last anyway?"

Twilight shrugged. "Probably an hour or so. I put enough magic into it to last long enough for us to use it on the way back... I hope."

"And how close are we to the top?"

Twilight looked up. It was getting difficult to see again, so she ignited her horn once more. With purple light flooding the narrow passage, she could now make out what appeared to be the end a short distance away. "It looks like it's only a few more steps away."

"Good. My friggin' legs are killing me."

Indeed it was only a few more steps because within a minute they'd reached the top, which was actually inside the ceiling of the cave. They were now within a small antechamber that was lined with symbols carved into the walls and a bracket for a torch near the back of the room. "Hmm," Twilight mused as she approached one of the walls. Leaning in to examine it more closely, she brushed her hoof against the markings. "It looks like this is some form of archaic... dragon maybe?" She frowned, brushing off a bit of the dirt on a particular character. "Wait, no, that was just a fat lizard. I guess it must be salamander then. I wish I could read what it says."

Rainbow, leaving Twilight to attempt to decipher the wall alone, wandered towards the back of the room, looking back and forth between the walls on either side. "You're telling me that you, Twilight Sparkle, don't know something? What is this world coming too?"

Twilight rolled her eyes, ignoring Rainbow. "I think I can make out some of it, assuming it's at least superficially similar to archaic dragon. Let's see..." Releasing another another ball of light from her horn, Twilight attempted to read the symbols. "Something... uhh, danger. Looks like maybe a book, and there's something about a curse here too. Wait, no, it's a—oh! It's a dangerous curse. I get it now. Okay, so the book contains a dangerous curse, got it."

Rainbow Dash shot Twilight a confused look. "Are you just making that up as you go, or is it really that cliché?"

Twilight frowned. "Um, well, unless I'm reading this completely wrong, that is what it says. I don't think ancient salamander civilizations knew they were being cliché though. Probably wasn't something they worried about."

"Still though, you'd think they could've tried a little harder. I'm just sayin'." Rainbow shrugged. "Anyway, if they're saying stuff about a cursed book, then where is it? All I see in this room is, well, nothing."

Twilight pursed her lips. "I don't know. There's something here about the book being hidden, and opening it unleashing great evil, and the end of the world and all that, but nothing about where it is." She chuckled. "Maybe you should try pulling on that torch bracket over there. Bet it opens a secret room or something."

Laughing as she put her hoof on the bracket, Rainbow said, "Yeah right. Even these stupid salamander guys wouldn't be that obv—Oh!"

There was a loud clunking noise as something fell into place which was followed by a slow grinding of gears. The wall near where Rainbow was standing slowly started to shift out of place, spinning in a very slow arc. As it went around on its tortuous rotation, Rainbow stared open-mouthed at the contraption. After a bit more grinding and creaking, it finally came to a halt, allowing the pedestal in the center of the wall to be bathed in Twilight’s light.

Rainbow shook her head slowly. "That's twice today! If it happens a third time, I'm quitting this expedition."

Covering her mouth, Twilight stifled a giggle. "At least you found the book, right? That's gotta count for something."

Rainbow’s shoulders sagged as she sighed. "Man, I was really hoping for, like, a cool puzzle or something. Maybe with some awesome razor blades shooting out of the walls, or a giant boulder or whatever. This was too easy."

"Well, there's always the chance that taking the book will cause a series of tiered explosions, bringing down the entire cave and forcing us to run away," said Twilight with a little shrug. She abandoned the carvings on the wall and approached the pedestal. It was a part of the wall, half carved into it, half sticking out, and the book, held together by cracked leather straps that looked like they might fall apart if Twilight so much as looked at them the wrong way, sat there, almost ominously, waiting to be opened.

Rainbow waited until Twilight was next to her, and the two of them looked down at the book in its resting place. It looked less like a book and more like a collection of moldy yellowed pages strapped together between two slats of wood and bound by what Twilight was fairly sure was twine. The leather strips wrapped around the outside that kept it shut were dry and cracked, like a desert, and there were two rusted buckles clasped shut at either end of the book. "So," said Rainbow slowly, "I guess we just, like, take it, right?" She cautiously moved one hoof towards the book, but before she touched it, Twilight stuck out her hoof and stopped her.

Rainbow gave her an odd look, but Twilight was focused on the book. The more she looked at it, the more she started to feel a weird squirming feeling in the pit of her stomach. It was like someone had dumped a bucket of worms inside her belly. There was an oddly ominous aura surrounding the book, and way in the back of her mind a tiny voice told her, "Don't open that! Are you freakin' nuts?" However, much louder voice near the front of her mind said, "Screw that other voice, this book is crazy old. You have to open it."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Uh, you okay there, Twilight? You're all spaced out and stuff."

"You ever think that maybe we're doing the wrong thing?" asked Twilight, turning to Rainbow. "I mean, there were all the warnings on the wall, and now I'm getting this weird feeling looking at the book. Not to mention this is, like, the exact set up of every forbidden curse story ever. I'm just wondering if you've ever thought about any of that too?"

Rainbow stared blankly. "No."

"Oh... well okay then, nevermind." Twilight shrugged, as she often did when it came to situations like this with Rainbow. "Let's just take this thing and get outta here."

Cracking a wide smirk, Rainbow said, "I can't believe we're finally about to finish this thing. Everyone else said we were crazy to try." She chuckled. "What a buncha dorks, eh?"

"We'll see who's laughing when we show them this awesome book," said Twilight, Rainbow’s confident spirit infecting her. She reached down and grabbed the book. It almost seems to be stuck to the pedestal, and she had to yank rather hard to remove it. With a cracking sound like snapping a log in half, it came free, and Twilight finally got a good look at the cover where the title was etched into the wood. "Huh," she mused, "the Punrinomicon. Wonder what it means?"

Rainbow was about to answer with, "Who cares?" when she suddenly felt the ground shift beneath her. Everything in the room started shaking suddenly, and chunks of rock fell from the ceiling. Rainbow groaned. "Aww, come on." Before she could add anything else, Twilight grabbed her hoof and the two tore out of the room back down the stairs.

When they reentered the chamber, Twilight could see that stalactites were falling from the ceiling and crashing into the ground where they shattered into a million tiny pieces. Searching around wildly, she noticed a tiny stream of light forcing its way through a hole where a hunk of stone had just fallen. "There!" she shouted, pointing towards the light. "We'll fly out of here!"

"What happened to flying being too dangerous?"

"Screw that!" Twilight leapt off the staircase, which crumbled as soon as she left, and unfurled her wings mid-fall, catching herself and lifting up. She was closely followed by Rainbow Dash, and the two of them soared upwards, dodging falling debris and shielding their eyes as Twilight blasted a larger hole in the ceiling. Twirling around one particularly large rock, Twilight pumped her wings once and shot out of the cavern back on to the surface. She hovered above the hole for a moment, waiting for Rainbow to pop out as well.

Shouting at the top of her lungs, Rainbow sped out of the cave like a bullet, rocketing into the air. "Whoo hoo hoo! Yeah! That was awesome!" Spiralling upwards, she arced back around and glided down to meet Twilight. "Oh man, that was like something straight out of a Daring Do book!"

Twilight checked to make sure she still had the book safely tucked away under her arm. "Don't get too excited," she said. "We've still got a lot of hard work to do. We'll need to decipher this thing before it's any use."

Rainbow flipped upside down and circled above Twilight. "Man, who cares about that? The point was just to get the thing, right? You were the one who said that when we find the book that we should take it to a museum because that's where it belongs."

Twilight frowned, glancing down at the book. "I know, I know, but... aren't you at least a little curious to know what it's about? We went through all this trouble to get it. The least we can do is read it."

Groaning, Rainbow flipped back over and lazily glided down next to Twilight. "Ugh, fine. You're the one who's gonna be doing all the hard stuff anyway. I'll just sit back and watch."

Despite herself, Twilight felt a little grin creep across her face. "There's no way this could possibly go wrong."

Twilight sat surrounded by hundreds of scrap pieces of paper. Most had a few words scribbled on them, but they were largely covered by huge redrawings of ancient-looking symbols. In the middle of this pile, her head was resting against the open book, its yellow pages caressing her head like a cradle. Her eyes were shut, and she was snoring like a baby. Suddenly, she snorted, waking herself up. In her daze, she heard a snicker from behind her. Rubbing her eyes, she turned to see Rainbow Dash standing behind her with the door half open.

"Been up all night, huh?"

Twilight let out an elongated yawn. Stretching her back, she said, "What time is it?"

Rainbow walked over to a nearby window and threw open the curtains, allowing light to flood the room. As she watched Twilight shield her eyes, Rainbow said, "It's like three in the afternoon."

"I wonder what time I fell asleep last night?"

Ignoring her, Rainbow sidled up next to Twilight and started looking over her notes, and all the paper she had strewn about. "It's been like two weeks, Twi. Have you found out anything about this book yet? I thought you were, like, really good at this stuff?"

"It's only been two days, Dash, and I am really good at this 'stuff', but it takes time," said Twilight as she began sorting through all the papers on her desk. Moving one stack over to the side, and shifting a second to the pile on the floor, she added, "You're lucky I've found out as much as I have in such a short time." Suddenly her voice got quiet and she looked around as if to make sure no one else was in the room. "You haven't told the others yet, right?"

Rainbow made an x-shape over her lips with her hoof. "Nope, haven't said a word. Everyone's been asking, but I keep brushing them off."

"Good," said Twilight, a relieved look coming over her face. "I just don't want to worry them. There's no need to give them any details until we know what this book is. Applejack and Rarity have already come by a few times asking If I needed any help." She sighed. "I feel bad lying to them, but at least it's only a half-lie. All I told them is that we found something, but we can't show it until we know it's not dangerous. Which is, well, mostly true."

"I'unno," said Rainbow, shrugging, "kinda seems like you're making a big deal outta nothing." She flipped over the sheet she was looking and and started reading the back side where Twilight had written some notes. "I mean, it's just a book. What could it—Hey, what's this here?" she asked, indicating the piece of parchment she'd been examining.

"Oh that?" said Twilight, glancing over at Rainbow. "It's just something I found written in the book. I have no idea what it means, but I tried to translate it phonetically."

"Huh..." Rainbow cocked her head to the side a bit as she looked more closely at the words. Almost without her realizing it, she started mouthing them. When she reached the end, she paused, frowning a bit. "It just kinda ends there. Is there anything after that?"

Twilight nodded. "Yeah, there's a bit more, but I haven't had a chance to translate it yet."

Rainbow scrunched up her muzzle. "Wonder what it says," she muttered under her breath. Reading over the words again, something compelled to read them aloud, so she did. "Īśbarēra ālō dbārā ēkaṭi abhiśāpa ē'i ba'i, ēkaṭi hājāra bachara sthāẏī ha'ibē yē ēkaṭi abhiśāpa..."

Twilight cried out as a sudden beam of sickly green light shot out of the book and knocked her back. She fell out of the chair and onto her hindquarters, looking up as the green light started to fill the room. It swirled overhead like a seasick hurricane, flashes of white light punctuating the crackling of thunder as the teeming mass grew larger still. Twilight’s eyes went wide, but she couldn't run away or move. She was frozen in fear. Rainbow Dash, likewise, was rooted to the spot, the parchment she'd been reading from—along with all the others in the room—was now swirling about in the growing storm. Then, without warning, a booming voice echoed through the cramped room, so loud that Twilight and Rainbow had to cover their ears. It repeated the words Rainbow had spoken.

"Īśbarēra ālō dbārā ēkaṭi abhiśāpa ē'i ba'i, ēkaṭi hājāra bachara sthāẏī ha'ibē yē ēkaṭi abhiśāpa..."

It dragged out each word, almost painfully so, until it reached the end, where it added a few new words.

"Athabā punrinomicon dhbansa haẏa antata paryanta."

Once it had finished, the storm started to swirl faster and faster, turning into a nauseating display of venomous green smoke. Then, once it reached a point where Twilight thought it'd surely start travelling back in time if it went any faster, it exploded outwards, shooting bolts of emerald energy in every direction like a thousand tiny spears. Her instincts taking over, Twilight’s horn exploded into life and erected a shield around herself, deflecting the energy into the air where it dissipated harmlessly. Rainbow, on the other hand, had no such defensive measures and instead took the full brunt of the bolt's force, recoiling a bit. Just as suddenly as it had appeared, the storm sucked itself back into the book and then slammed itself shut, leaving the room feeling morbidly quiet.

Twilight slowly got up, her mane a mess from having been blown about so wildly. She looked around at the mess the storm caused. There were papers and quills and splotches of ink everywhere. "What in the name of the Sun and the Moon was that!?" she cried. Then, as if remembering something, Twilight whipped around to look at Rainbow. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the mare standing there looking a little uncomfortable, but otherwise unharmed.

Rainbow rubbed her chest where the bolt had hit her. "Owww," she moaned. "Stupid little bolt really hurt. It almost had me bolting out the door."

"Are you okay?" asked Twilight. "Did it cause any damage? How are you feeling?"

Rainbow shrugged her shoulders slightly. "I dunno. I feel okay now, but it kinda hurt a bit before. It doesn't feel like anything else happened. I mean, like, nothing really feels different, y'know? I feel indifferent."

"I... guess that's good. Still though," said Twilight, putting a hoof to her chin, "it seems unlikely that that did nothing at all. It did say something about a curse back in that alcove." Twilight’s eyes went wide. "Oh no... What about all the ponies in town? Did it hit them too?" Hurrying over to the nearest window, Twilight lunged at the curtains, throwing them open wildly. She pressed her face against the window, peering out at what she was sure was going to be widespread panic and confusion. However, all she saw was the same sleepy little town she'd always known. A pony passing by saw Twilight looking, and stopped to wave his hoof at her. Twilight awkwardly waved back. "Everything's fine," Twilight whispered. "But... but how can that be? Didn't that crazy green mist do anything?" She glanced back at Rainbow.

Shrugging, Rainbow said. "Beats me. Maybe it just missed everyone?"

"I saw it hit you though!"

"Pssh." Rainbow blew a raspberry, waving her hoof dismissively. "I think you're just blowing this whole thing outta proportion, Twi. That thing was so old and small, I bet the curse, or whatever, expired already."

Twilight frowned. "I don't think curses work like that." She bit her lip, looking around the room for some kind of clue. "There has to be something in this book that will tell us what happened. I mean, that's how it happens in Daring Do books, right?"

"Usually she also has to fight, like, a bazillion dudes and one really strong guy too, but you don't really have the same enemies Daring Do does, so don't worry." Heading towards the door, Rainbow said, "Well, anyway, while you check out that book some more, I'mma book it on over to AJ’s place and see if she's noticed anything. See ya!"

"Wait!" Twilight shouted, whipping around suddenly, holding out her hoof. "I need you to... stay... here." Twilight let out a long sigh. "Great, she's already gone." Throwing her hooves in the air in exasperation, Twilight turned back to the book and started poring over it. After a second, she stopped and looked up again. "Wait... what did she say?" Twilight’s eyes narrowed into thin slits. "No..." she muttered, "it couldn't be... could it?"

An hour or so later, Twilight was torturing her bottom lip as she struggled to write something on a piece of parchment. She looked back and forth between the book, which was opened to the page she'd originally copied the script from, and the paper she was writing on. She scribbled something down, looked it over three more times, then groaned, crumpled it into a little ball and tossed it over her shoulder into the overflowing trashcan. Her ears twitched as she heard a knock at the door.

Twilight hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes?"

"Dear?" came the somewhat high-pitched and all-too-familiar sound of Rarity’s voice. "Are you in there?"

Twilight bit her lip, waiting a moment before responding, "I'm kind of busy right now with... stuff. Can we talk later?"

Rarity’s muffled voice responded. "You've been cooped up in there for days, Twilight. It's not even spring yet. This is hardly the time to go all bird-brained on us."

Twilight’s ear twitched again. "What was that you just said?"

"What was what, dear?"

Twilight stood up from her desk and swooped over to the door. Throwing it open, she said, "That pun. Why did you just make a pun?"

Rarity cocked her head to the side. "What ever do you mean, dear? I wasn't making a pun. I'm simply concerned for your health, and besides, I never found them very punny anyways."

"There! You just did it again!" Twilight cried, pointing her hoof at Rarity.

Rarity made a pouty face, puffing her lips out. "Honestly, Twilight, you're acting like an animal. You should really quit horsing around like this."

Twilight’s ear twitched again. "I don't know what kind of joke you're trying to pull, but I don't have time for this right now." Twilight went to shut the door, saying, "I have to go finish studying this book so I can figure what... happened." Twilight stopped halfway between closing the door and stared at Rarity for a second. "Oh no..." Suddenly a horrified and altogether terrified look of realization came over Twilight’s face.

Rarity raises her brow. "What is it, Twilight? Why the long face?"

Twilight froze, her thoughts racing. "Sorry, I have to, uh, the thing, um, go, uh, places now." She slammed the door shut, much to Rarity’s befuddlement, and rushed back to her desk. Magically tossing a shoulder bag on and stuffing the book, along with some of her notes into it, Twilight threw open her study window and leapt outside, unfurling her wings as she fell. Soaring off towards Sweet Apple Acres, she shouted, "Rainbow! Rainbow! We messed up! We messed up real bad!"

Rarity huffed at the door Twilight had shut in her face. "Well, she didn't need to be so wooden."

The wind rushed through Twilight’s mane as she pumped her wings again and again, hurling herself towards Sweet Apple Acres as fast as she could. Part of her was focused on making sure the book didn’t bounce out of her saddlebag, but most of her was wishing it would just so she would be rid of the thing. Of course, that would have been way too easy. Coming upon Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight banked into a dive and headed towards the barn, since she assumed that’s where she’d find Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

While diving down, the book got jostled around and almost popped out of the bag, which caused Twilight to yelp in surprise and attempt to stuff her hooves into the bag to keep it in there. This, in turn, caused Twilight to lose control of her descent and crash straight through the roof of the barn and land in a pile of hay near the back.

Twilight exploded out of the hay, looking around wildly for the book. She found it lying a few feet away and quickly stuffed it back into her pack before noticing Applejack and Rainbow Dash giving her raised eyebrows.

“Well, hey there, sugarcube,” said Applejack, chuckling as she walked over to help Twilight up. “Nice of you to drop by.”

Twilight’s ear flicked, but she tried to ignore it. “Applejack, I’m sorry, but I don’t have time to talk. Rainbow,” she said, turning to Rainbow Dash, “I figured out what happened. It’s… it’s not good.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Ugh, this again, Twi? I told you already that you’re getting worked up over nothing. You’re really not acting all that stable right now. You gotta harness your emotions, y’know?”

“There! That’s it! That’s the curse!” Twilight shouted and pointed her hoof at Rainbow.

“Now hang on just a gosh darn sec, Twi,” said Applejack, placing her hoof on Twilight’s and forcing it down. “What’s all this nonsense about a curse? Rainbow didn’t tell me nothin’ about anythin’ like that. Why don’t ya just slow down and—” Applejack coughed, quickly covering her mouth with a hoof. Giving a sheepish grin, she said, “Sorry about that. Think I caught a cold or somethin’. My throat’s all sore. Been a little hoarse all morning.”

Twilight started shaking her head, slowly backing away. “No, no, no, no, no… not you too, AJ!”

“Whoa there, Twi,” said Rainbow, holding out her hoof. “Calm down, all right? There’s no need to go flying off the halter like that.”

“You don’t even realize you’re doing it, do you?” said Twilight, her voice halfway between amused and depressed. Casting her gaze down, she muttered, “What kind of a monster would do this to ponies?”

“Okay, you’re not making any sense, Twilight. How ‘bout you just tell us what’s going on, kay?” said Rainbow Dash, giving an encouraging smile. “Just rein in the crazy for a sec.”

Gritting her teeth, Twilight whipped out the ancient book and slammed it on the ground. Opening it up to the page Rainbow had read from, she jabbed her hoof at a particular passage. “This!” she said, poking the book. “Reading this cursed everyone to speak in puns.”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash exchanged glances, then burst into laughter. Twilight’s face went red.

“It’s not funny!” she cried. “This is extremely serious!”

Wiping a tear from her eye, Applejack put her hoof around Twilight’s shoulder. “Heh, that’s a pretty good one, Twi. You really had me goin’ there for a sec. I think you’re a little pasture prime for jokes though.”

“Now hold your horses, Twi,” said Rainbow Dash, pointing at the book, “that thing couldn’t curse a puppy.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Oh really, is that so? Then tell me why you keep making puns. Are you doing it on purpose? Do you even know you’re doing it?”

“Puns?” repeated Rainbow, cocking her head to the side. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Twilight. I’m pretty sure you’re just delusional at this point. Besides, I don’t even like puns. They’re, like, the lamest yokes out there.”

Clapping her hooves over her eyes and slowly dragging them down, Twilight let out a moan. “You just did it again! Right there! It’s like you’re deliberately trying to piss me off.”

“Psssh, whatever,” said Rainbow, waving her hoof yet again. “Even if you’re right, so what if I’m making puns? It’s not like it’s divine pun-ishment or anything, right?”

Her face contorted into the look of a crazed post office employee, Twilight slowly lifted one hoof. “I’m gonna pun-ch you in the face…”

“Okay, okay, so let’s assume you’re right then,” said Rainbow, rolling her eyes. “What makes you think that’s what the curse does? Why wouldn’t it do something more… pun-ishing?”

Fighting back the urge to smack Rainbow over the head, Twilight jabbed her hoof at the book again. “I bet that thing you read probably says something about ‘being cursed to speak only in puns’, or whatever. That doesn’t matter though, because what makes me so sure is the fact that everyone I meet has been speaking in puns, and the book we found is called the Punrinomicon. I mean, you can’t get more obvious than that. In fact, I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner.”

Tapping her chin with her hoof, Rainbow mused, “Hmm, maybe you’ve got a point there—”

“Thankyou…”

“Even though you’re not that sharp.”

“That’s it!” Twilight threw her hooves into the air. “I’m so done with this whole thing now. C’mon, Rainbow. We’re taking this book to the nearest volcano and tossing it in.”

As Twilight reached for her hoof, Rainbow pulled away. “Wait, don’t you wanna try translating that book some more and see if you can find a way to fix this? I don’t wanna have to bale you out of trouble again.”

Seizing Rainbow’s hoof before she could back farther away, Twilight shouted, “I don’t care what it says! We’re destroying this thing once and for all. No one should have to suffer a curse so heinous.”

Rainbow Dash stifled a chuckle, prompting a confused look from Twilight. “Heheh… you said ‘hay-nous’. That’s pretty—Ow! Whaddya do that for?” Massaging the back of her head, Rainbow smarted as she rubbed the spot where Twilight’s hoof had struck her.

“Just shut up already,” Twilight groaned.

Twilight could feel the heat on her face, even from this high above the roiling lava that sat stewing in the volcano’s open mouth. Fortunately for her, the thing had only been a short flight away due to some really fortunate geographical coincidences, and after hearing one-too-many puns from Rainbow, she was starting to question her sanity.

“There,” she said, pointing downwards. “Now we just need to toss this thing in and we’ll be done. And before you ask,” Twilight continued, casting a glance sideways at Rainbow, “we’re going down to the rim so I can toss this thing in myself. I want to watch it burn.”

“Whatever you say, Twi.” Rainbow shrugged her shoulders. “I’d hate to see you miss, since, after all, this is your miss-ion.”

“Rainbow, what did I say about speaking?”

Rainbow opened her mouth, but Twilight put a hoof over her lips. “Ah ah ah… don’t answer that. Just stay quiet for a few more minutes until we’re—Hey… is that another pony down there?” Cocking her head to the side, Twilight pointed down to the rim of the volcano where it looked like a cloaked figure was tossing something into the lava. Rainbow gave her, “I’unno” look, and so the two circled down to the figure’s side.

When they got closer, Twilight noticed that the pony looked familiar, and the closer she got, the more sure she was of who it was. Landing by her side, Twilight said, “Ms. Yearling?”

The cloaked pony removed her hood and turned around, giving Twilight a knowing smirk. “Twilight, Rainbow, it’s been awhile, huh? You here to get rid of some cursed artifacts too?”

Twilight raised her brow. “How did you know that’s what we were here for?”

Chuckling, Ms. Yearling shook her head slowly. “C’mon, Twilight. Why else would someone trek all the way out to a volcano? If you’ve got a cursed object, there’s only one place you can take it, and that’s a volcano. It’s just common sense.”

“I… suppose that makes sense,” said Twilight. “Well, anyway, we were just here to destroy this book,” she said, producing the book from her saddlebag and handing it to Ms. Yearling.

Immediately a horrified look came over her face. “You guys found this? I thought it was lost for good once Ahuizotl stopped me from getting it.”

“Nah, we just followed in your hoofsteps, DD,” said Dash, ignoring the no-talking rule. “It was pretty easy to retrace everything you did once we read the book, and then we had no trouble finding the Punrinomicon either.”

“So, it really does curse ponies with puns, huh?” said Ms. Yearling matter-of-factly.

“Right,” said Twilight, “which is why we need to destroy this abomination. So, go ahead. Cast it into the fire, Ms. Yearling.”

For what felt like a miniature eternity, Ms. Yearling stared at the book, as if possessed. A glazed look came over her eyes, and then it was quickly replaced by a lustful look, which was somewhat disconcerting. She turned back to Twilight and whispered, “No…”

Twilight sighed. “Oh, sweet merciful Celestia. I can’t believe this is happening. Ms. Yearling, don’t do this, all right? Just throw that thing in the fire and we can all move on with our lives.”

Hissing, Ms. Yearling swiped at Twilight and held the book close to her chest. “It belongs in a museum!”

“No it doesn’t!” shouted Twilight. “It belongs in the pit of hell! Rainbow, stop her!”

Snapping off a quick salute, Rainbow said, “Roger.” Turning to Ms. Yearling, she said, “Hey, Daring! What’re you gonna do about this?” Dash whipped around, doing a spin kick straight into Ms. Yearling’s chest and sending her flying off the edge and into the volcano where she burst into flames on impact and quickly disappeared in a ball of fire.

“Rainbow!” Twilight cried waving her hooves wildly. “You just killed Daring Do! What’s wrong with you!?”

“Well… I thought you said to stop her?”

“I just meant to get the book from her! I didn’t mean for you to kick her into a freakin’ volcano!”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll admit that one was my bad. Probably shouldn’t have done that.”

Twilight clapped a hoof over her mouth and started dancing around on her tiptoes. “Oh no, oh no, what are we going to do? We just killed somepony. This is not good at all. This is—Wait.” Twilight stopped suddenly. “Rainbow, you’re not speaking in puns anymore. Is it fixed? Say something!”

“Uhh…” said Rainbow awkwardly. “What do you want me to say?”

“Just say anything!”

Rainbow scratched the back of her head with her hoof. “Um, I’m Rainbow Dash, and I just killed Daring Do, which, in retrospect, was probably not the best option.”

A wide smile cracked across Twilight’s face as she leapt forward and pulled Rainbow into a tight hug. “Yes! It’s gone! The curse is gone!”

“Yeah, but Ms. Yearling is dead…”

“Right, yes,” said Twilight, suddenly sobering up. She cleared her throat. “Well, umm, I think maybe it’s best if we don’t say anything about this to anyone… ever… okay?”

“Whatever you say, Twi.”

“Remind me to never go on an adventure with you, okay? This was terrible.”

Rainbow chuckled, glancing down at the fireball that was Ms. Yearling. “Yeah… yeah it was.”