Author's Note

Warning: This is a sadfic, you've been warned.

Memories Lost in the Mud

Will you miss me, when I'm gone?

Applejack woke that morning feeling groggy, and overtired. Applebuck season would occasionally do that to a pony, but if she'd known it would be her last applebuck season she might have put a little more effort into making sure she was perfectly alert. She began the day as she always had, looking out in pride upon her fields. The fields their family had lovingly tilled through generations, the fields where Applebloom had taken her first steps, and where Bigmac had once hurt himself. The fields where her parents had breathed their last breaths... she shook her head angrily. Nostalgia didn't get the days chores done after all and there was no need to be dredging up sad memories.

Twilight stared out her window as she closed the clasp on her last suitcase. Her lips parted in a soft sigh. "Is that everything Spike?" She asked in a voice that was thick with barely controlled emotion. "Yea Twilight, that's the last of it... but don't act so sad. It's not like you're leaving forever right? I mean this is a big deal, I'm just glad I get to come!" Twilight sighed again, crossing her legs on the windowsill and laying her head gently upon them. She couldn't expect Spike to understand, he was still a baby dragon. But this WAS a big deal and she should be happy. Being the princess of friendship was a huge responsibility and it occasionally required her to leave and promote friendship in other regions. Her friends had all agreed that was true and had been supportive of her decision to go to saddle arabia for a few years but it would mean a few very lonely years. Letters were great, but seemed a poor replacement for her best friends voices, their words, the clumsy way Pinkie stumbled over what she wanted to say sometimes, Applejack's drawl, Rainbow's forced casual air when really she craved your approval... it hadn't been an easy decision. One last sigh and she turned back toward spike who was loading her suitcase onto a wagon. "C'mon Spike... if we don't go now I might change my mind."

Rainbow yawned as she slammed the door that morning, maybe a little harder than she normally would have. Her gut twisted as she remembered that Twilight was leaving today. Taking a deep breath she tried to remind herself it was for the best, that they had all agreed to it, and that she'd be back. Shaking herself all over she gave her wings a half hearted flap. It was all well and good to tell herself she didn't care, but making herself believe it was another story. Of course it didn't matter whether she cared, she'd still have to put on a brave face and smile along with everyone else. Taking off she began the days cloudbusting, the least she could do was send Twilight off with a nice day. Passing over the train station she saw Twilight standing there going over the checklist one last time with Spike. A smile teased the corner of her lips, and she fought back a tear of sorrow before turning to anger instead. Didn't she care that her friends needed her every bit as much as Equestria did? The rational part of Dash's mind realized she was being grossly unfair to her friend, but grief can come out as anger quite frequently. She would of course soon wish it hadn't, because had she not been so terribly distracted it may never have happened.

As her feet slammed themselves into the trees and she watched the apples tumble to earth Applejack reminded herself that she'd have to stop around mid-day to go see Twilight off. Tears built in her eyes causing her to almost miss the next tree, and get pelted by the stray apple as she remembered that it might be a few years before she saw her friend again. Of course she could always visit but Twilight was likely to be busy and anyway she was needed here. Applebloom was growing up so fast and she didn't want to miss a moment, and the farm needed her more than ever now that Bigmac and Cheerilee were spending so much time together. The kind teacher had a good head on her shoulders and was good for her brother but she doubted very much that she'd be any good at apple bucking. Which meant her and Bigmac's future likely lay outside the farm. That was okay, she was happy for him, and she could take over the farm. She could do it all herself, she didn't need anypony.

Will you remember all the good times we've had?

Stopping for a momentary break she closed her eyes and allowed herself time to reflect. It had been almost applebucking season that first time she'd met Twilight. Shy and awkward, checklist clutched in the claws of that little dragon she looked like she hadn't a friend in the world save him. And now look at her, Applejack thought, off to spread the magic of friendship throughout the world. Pride swelled in her chest and she wiped a tear that she could have passed off as sweat had anyone asked. "Hey there silly goose! Quit your slackin and move your caboose!" Applejack chuckled slightly and headed toward the west orchard her mind still going around all the fun times their group of friends had shared. Yes sir it was a good life she'd had.

Twilight followed her excitable dragon companion with a heavy heart. Each step felt like the one that would take her out of ponyville and away from her friends. It felt like only yesterday she had learned the power of the magic of friendship, each special pony teaching it to her in their own unique way. Now it would all be gone, or at least, she would be gone from it. What if things weren't the same when she returned? She knew she could count on her friends to keep terror from raining down in her absence, and besides Princess Celestia was still here. But still... it hurt.

Rainbow hardly even noticed where she was as she glided over sweet apple acres lost as she was in her frustration and her memories. From coming up with spells to get everyone into cloudsdale for the best young fliers competition to geek offs about daring do she certainly had a lot of good memories with Twilight. And who would she geek off with now? Fluttershy just didn't understand daring do, she didn't read the same books Rainbow did. They connected over other things. Rainbow kicked out, frustration passing through her as lightning rips through the sky, realizing at the last moment that the cloud she'd kicked was in fact a thundercloud and gasping in horror as she looked below her and saw Applejack's hooves connect with an appletree.

Twilight watched as Spike stowed both paper and quill in his own backpack. The only thing left to do was wait for the others to show up and say goodbye, it was the only thing not checked off. She sat, shifting nervously. What do you say to someone after such a long and deep friendship? What words of comfort could she offer her friends that wouldn't seem hollow? "I'll come back?" Of course I'll come back, but that doesn't mean I won't change while I'm there. Or that you might not change in my absence. A pony's world can change in an instant and she knew better than most what distance could do to a close relationship. Her thoughts drifted briefly to Shining Armour and the fact that even though they were still close their relationship was.. different. Not worse, not better just... different.

Allowing her gaze to drift to the clock she sighed for what felt the hundreth time that morning. Where were they? But she was of course an hour early and they had no way of knowing that, so she'd just have to suffer through the wait. Lost in thought and watching the clock hands change she didn't hear the commotion that was building beyond the train station, and sighed once more as the minute hand ticked.
A silent scream exploded from Rainbow's throat as she rushed toward the ground and Applejack looked up at her. Rainbowdash was, as usual, a blur and should have bowled Applejack over as she crashed into the ground beside her but curiously Applejack felt nothing. No wind, no collision, nothing at all. She cocked her head to one side trying to make sense of Dash's nonsensical blubbering as she clutched something on the ground to her. After a few minutes she decided it was mostly a lot of "this can't be happening" and "no please no" but since this didn't really make sense with the situation she decided to walk around and see what was upsetting her friend so dramatically.

It took Applejack a few minutes before she realized she couldn't feel the earth beneath her hooves. She looked down for her hoofprints and found there were none, frowning before comprehension dawned on her. And she stopped, suddenly knowing what could be causing Rainbow to blubber like this. Her eyes widened as she watched a brown cowboy hat fall off her own head and hit the dirt as Rainbow sobbed brokenly. The dirt she was kneeling in soon turned to mud as pegasus ponies clustered rainclouds to try and put out the tree fire. Applejack reached her hoof out and tentatively touched her own sopping wet mane, and let out a soft sound that may have been a whimper.

Not for herself did she mourn, but it is a terrible thing to watch grief, and to know you are the cause of it... if she hadn't already passed Applejack thought she may have died of a broken heart there in the mud.
Twilight may have been blind to the ponies rushing around town, but that did not mean everyone was. Rarity glanced out the window of her shop, watching half the town running around like idiots. Opening the door she gazed skyward and saw the thick layer of smoke in the air, coming from sweet apple acres. Her breath caught in her throat as she ran, for the first time, from her shop without locking up or checking herself in the mirror.

Pinkie Pie had been enjoying a chocolate chip cookie in the bakery with Pumpkin Cake when she heard. Humming sweetly to herself and whittling away the minutes before she had to go see Twilight she trotted merrily to the front when she heard the tinkling of the bell. "Welcome to sugarcube corner" she trilled, beaming at Mr Cake. "Oh good you're home! I need to go meet Twilight, I might be a little while cause she's going away for a long time and-" his grim expression caught her attention, chilling her when combined with the screaming and running ponies just beyond the door. "Has something happened to Twilight?" Mr Cake shook his head numbly before croaking out "Applejack..."

Fluttershy tossed a fish to the otter, smiling and she watched him scarf it down. "Now don't eat too fast or- angel?" Angelbunny was hopping madly up on the bank and pointing to the sky. Fluttershy looked upward and gasped at the copious amounts of smoke that seemed to be hovering over Sweet apple acres. "Oh... oh my..."

Applejack felt frozen to the spot as she watched her friends gather, each one shaking with disbelief. A voice tinkled inside her head, encouraging her to go, but she shook her head and let out a heart wrenching cry that no one could hear.
Rainbow released the body into Rarity's clutches as she sobbed into the blonde mane. "How" she choked out. "How did this happen?!" Fluttershy met Rainbow's grief stricken eyes and unfolded the story there. Moving to envelope her friend in a hug she let out a quiet sniffle.

Pinkie felt tears build in her eyes and rubbed them away. "She's not gone though... not really... I mean... we've got our... M-" Sobs took the words from her as she struggled to comfort her grieving friends. Sometimes laughter just isn't possible.
"It's okay Rainbow... it wasn't your fault" Fluttershy whispered. "It was an accident... and it's awful... but it wasn't your fault, you couldn't have known..." Rainbow buried her nuzzle in the pink mane, sobbing inconsolably as Applejack looked on.

Applebloom curled herself into Granny Smith's loving arms and sobbed "It's not fair Granny... what are we gonna do?" Granny rubbed her back comfortingly. "I don't know child... but Pinkie Pie is right... she's not gone... she's in here. She'll never be more than a memory away, you'll always have her so long as you never forget." Applebloom looked up into her wizened eyes. "But Granny it hurts... I wish I'd never known Applejack at all!" Granny smith smiled knowingly and rocked the child. "That will pass in time."
Twilight fidgeted as her gut began to gnaw at her. Something didn't seem right, no one had shown up yet and the train was nearly here. A glance at Spike told her even her dragon companion was sensing something amiss. Her heart leapt as the sound of hooves on the platform rang. An admontion for being late died on her lips as she saw Lyra Heartstrings bounding toward her with panic in her eyes. Her heart dropped into her stomach as she realized something was definitely wrong.
"Twilight!" Lyra called. "Twilight you have to come! Sweet apple acres! Something's happened!"

Twilight ran faster than she'd ever run before, even for the running of the leaves. Her heart pumped and sweat stung her eyes but before long the farm was in sight and the crowd of ponies served to cause her even more fear. Skidding to a halt she focused and teleported herself to the center. There was no way she was going to get through that crowd otherwise.
The wailing and sobbing threw her off balance at first, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw it was her friends crying. All her friends, save one. Applejack was still... too still. Each step seemed to take an eternity as she forced her lead hooves forward one by one until she could nudge the work horses limp form tentatively. "Applejack?" She asked, causing Rarity to break out into another round of sobs. "A-Applejack?" She repeated tremulously. Applejack called to her, screaming her name, but it was no use. There wasn't a pony alive that could hear her now.

Word travels fast in equestria, but the crowd had all but dispersed by the time Princess Celestia stepped up beside Twilight. Fluttershy had taken Rainbowdash to her cottage to calm her down and Pinkie was doing her best to console Rarity, between hiccups and sobs, but Twilight sat frozen, barey blinking, unable to process this new development. "It's... not possible." She whispered to her great mentor. "She can't be gone, there's got to be something we can do... a spell or... how are we supposed to... deal with this?" Princess Celestia drew Twilight in and wrapped her wings aroound the shell shocked pony. "Sometimes my dear there is nothing you can do... magic cannot do everything I'm afraid. Magic can not return your friend to you. Life isn't always fair, but it always gives us the tools we need, we only have to find them. Applejack's life is now over, but her legacy lives on, in her sister, in her farm... and in you, her friends. Grief brings out the best in some and the worst in others. It is going to be up to you to see to it that your friendships do not crumble, because Applejack would not want that.

The following weeks were difficult for Twilight, and for her friends. Rainbow did not return home but instead stayed with Fluttershy having little contact with anyone else. Rarity threw herself headfirst into her designs, creating an entire new country themed line and promoting it in canterlot. All proceeds were donated to the farm to pay for Applejacks funeral. Pinkie spent a lot of time going from house to house struggling to produce smiles in the hopes they would inspire a genuine one of her own. Twilight combed her library. Then the two sisters, and finally the canterlot library, but to no avail. Celestia had been right. There was no spell to undo death.

Applejack's heart tore itself in two watching them, remembering all the things they had conquered together it felt wrong to see her friends barely even speaking. It was while watching Twilight in the canterlot library that it happened. "You do yourself a disservice remaining in this realm Applejack." Applejack jumped and glanced around, her eyes falling upon Princess Luna who was watching her intently. "You can see me?" She asked. "I can see all spirits." Luna replied. "The dream realm and the spirit realm are not so very far apart... but you are in neither." She gazed upon the little farmer appraisingly. "Why is that?"

Applejack looked back toward Twilight. "They're all... they're not even speaking. It's my fault, I can't leave while they are..." Luna smiled softly at her. "They are grieving. You're going to have to give them time young one. Stay in this realm and watch them grieve if you must, but you're not doing yourself or them any favours. They would not want to see you tearing yourself apart. Linger much longer and you will lose the ability to go on. The life of a ghost is a lonely existence." Applejack bit her lip. "You could talk to them for me... and I could talk to you." Luna shook her head sadly. "My ability to see and speak with you will soon wane... I can see spirits, not ghosts."

The funeral was a subdued affair, especially for Rarity's standards. She wore a simple black cloak, and made everyone matching black arm bands. It was the first time they'd felt truly connected since tragedy had struck. Applejack watched Rainbow lean against Pinkie and cry, Fluttershy comforting Twilight nearby. Luna was right, they'd be alright. Grief did bring out the worst in some, but her friends were strong enough to move on. They'd never forget her, but she'd always be with them.

The hardest thing, about leaving is saying goodbye

Applejack watched them lay her body to rest beside her favorite apple tree and visibly jumped when bells tolled in her ears again. Remembering Luna's words she let out a sigh. Her friends were going to be okay, she'd seen that. And she had to trust in the wisdom of Granny Smith to get the rest of her family through this. She couldn't touch them, couldn't speak to them, all she could do was close her eyes and hope that there was an afterlife and she'd see everyone again someday.
And so, closing her eyes and letting the warmth of her love for her friends and family fill her heart she spoke in a voice that rang with clarity and truth. "I'm ready."

"I'm ready." The words rang out through the fields of Sweet apple acres but only five sets of ears caught them. "Did you...?" Twilight asked, bewildered and knowing she must have imagined it. "I think so." Fluttershy replied, gazing skyward. The five of them all turned their gazes skyward and smiled, content in the knowledge that their friends memory would be enough to get them through when they needed her.

I'm only a memory away