It All Returns To Nothing

by Best Name Ever

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 1339

Twilight Sparkle discovers the true nature of reality whilst attempting to pass a particularly large stool on a hot summer day.

Twilight Sparkle discovers the true nature of reality whilst attempting to pass a particularly large stool on a hot summer day.

Idea and cover image suggested by Anonymous.
My Little Pony is owned by Hasbro and the Hub, MLP: Friendship is Magic is created by Lauren Faust.

Published 2014-07-16 23:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-16 23:30:05 UTC

It All Returns To Nothing

“What am I overlooking?”

Twilight Sparkle had big plans today. She worked on a new hypothesis. It was not about friendship or arcane sciences. Not this time. She was pondering over something of much greater importance, nothing less than the most fundamental question there is, the question about existence itself.

“Ohh no!”

Twilight could feel this would be huge. And greatness always takes its time.

“I hope Rainbow Dash and Apple Jack don’t mind the waiting. I better hurry”

With that Twilight started groaning. She tensed her body and pressed with all her might, only stopping to grasp for air. As she did, she grimaced. The stench was unbearable and it was not only a result from flatulence alone. Sweat was dripping from her body as the unbearable heat added further to the hardship of her little adventure in a roadside cafe bathroom in the middle of the countryside.

That day was the hottest Twilight could remember. The farm worker would have been content with 106 degree Fahrenheit; the weather pony would have stated 41.2 degree Celsius. However, for her the temperature measured approximately 314.36017 degree Kelvin, every last femtodegree adding to her suffering. She was under constant bombardment from every angle. According to her calculations using kinetic theory and unicorn magic, the root-mean-square speed of nitrogen molecules, roughly 78% of the atmospheric composition, was 529.059 meters per second. Obviously, the Marewell-Boltzcolt distribution describes the mean speed to be slightly lower but the former is more convenient to use. Taking certain environmental circumstances as consequence of temporal and local factors into consideration, the third most common component after oxygen with a fraction of 20.1% was with almost complete certainty carbon dioxide instead of the usual argon with -

“STOOOP!”

What was she doing? Visiting the toilet was too good of an opportunity for multitasking and complex metaphysical reasoning to go to waste. With a snack she could further increase efficiency... No! No more mental excursions. She had to focus on wave-particle-magic triality and its philosophical implications. As is, she was not making any progress with both her hypothesis and stool. Thus, she proceeded with her battle on two fronts.

“Does logic exist in nature or is it an invention? What is magic? And how is everything connected? It just doesn’t make sense... Nono. You're a good scientist. You can do this. Keep it together. Everything makes sense. It is just a matter of time and research.”

Twilight, her olfactory receptors already adapted to the many odorants filling the air, took a deep breath to relax and noted with delight that her other business had advanced by several inches. She was thankful that equines are capable of perspiration. Sweat was covering her entire fur but at least this mix of water, minerals and more complex molecules was keeping her from collapse. Hydrogen, carbon, potassium, chromium, half the elements from the periodic table surrounded her. The thought was exhilarating.

An audible fart escaped her anus as she pressed again.

The anus: a highly underappreciated evolutionary achievement, essential for the evolution of multicellular animals. In the subsequent hundreds of million years, many other biological developments followed to form a majestic whole.

It was time to put an end to her struggles. Once last time, Twilight took a deep breath. To further increase the intra-rectal pressure, she contracted her diaphragm, expiratory chest, abdominal wall and pelvic floor muscles. She relaxed both of her anal sphincters. There was only one way the pressure could escape her rectum.

It brought tears to her eyes. The result of billions of years of evolution, dozens of muscles, her consciousness and nervous system, rectum and anus, all working together in a complex interaction to expel fecal matter from her body. It was absolutely beautiful how all came together.

Splash.

All came together.

Consciousness. Existence. Understanding.

All... Coming... Together...

All coming together.

It was all coming together!

“Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!”

Finally it all started to make sense! She had to share her exciting discovery with her friends and the rest of the world.

Hygiene came first tough. With levitation magic she grabbed a few sheets of toilet paper and swept them across her royal behind. When she looked at them to evaluate the further need of paper, it was still in pristine condition apart from the sweat. This was a very rare scenario.

“Very efficient! And a little bit gross,” said Twilight with a big grin on her face. Her day just kept getting better.

After a bit more cleaning, Twilight left the bathroom and sped toward Applejack.

“It finally makes sense! Ohhh, the countless implications! This changes everything we...”

“Everythin’ alright with you Twilight?”

“Yes! More than alright. Everything is fantastic. Hold on, where is Rainbow Dash?”

“Practicin’ outside. She couldn’t wait any longer.”

“Hmm, maybe I should get her. No, this is too urgent. Listen, Applejack. I finally understand why everything exists!”

“Uh... Uhu?”

“It all returns to nothing. We are only tools, fantasies, caught in an endless cycle.”

“That sure is a pessimistic world view if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Have you ever wondered why there are so many things we can’t explain such as dark matter, magic, why anything exists at all or how consciousness is possible? The answer is surprisingly simple. We don’t actually exist! This whole universe is nothing but a simulation in a much larger consciousness.”

“I don’t know about you but I am mighty sure that I exist.”

“The implications are endless! Maybe there are countless other universes, all abiding different laws. Maybe there were many universes before this one in which magic didn’t exist. But it wasn’t enough... The simulation wasn’t enough for the consciousness to understand itself so the consciousness tried again, changing and adding new variables...”

Twilight’s onslaught of words was interrupted by a loud noise at the entrance. Followed by a colorful trail, Rainbow Dash appeared in front of her.

“Finally! What took you so long?”

“I discovered the true nature of reality!”

“On the toilet?” replied Rainbow Dash amused.

“All minds are simply a large consciousness attempting to understand itself. There is no death and life is but a dream in the imagination of itself.”

“Uh, what are you talking about?”

“Don’t you understand, Rainbow Dash? Our universe is merely a simulation by the consciousness. It created us, smaller consciousnesses, in the hope that we one day will understand everything.”

“Who cares about all this egghead stuff? Whether you are right or not, nothing changes for us!”

Before Twilight could interject, Applejack shoved a hoof into her mouth.

“She’s been actin’ all weird lately and didn’t stop with her fancy shmancy talking about existence. Do you know what’s wrong with her?”

Rainbow Dash eyed Twilight Sparkle shortly and then said, “She’s overheating and drying out. No wonder she acts so weird.”

Twilight freed herself and said, “You mean hyperthermia and dehydration?”

“Yeah, whatever. Your health is more important right now. Come, I will show you how to be cool.”

With that, Rainbow Dash grabbed Twilight and pulled her along outside and into the sky, careful to not overdo it with the g-forces. The temperature fell with increasing altitude. Several miles above the ground, she placed Twilight on a cloud and started collecting water for her.

And it all returned to nothing.

Author's Note

Suggestion by Anonymous:
"Twilight Sparkle discovers the true nature of reality, that all minds are simply the universe attempting to understand itself, that there is no death and life is but a dream in the imagination of itself.
This happens whilst she is attempting to pass a particularly large stool, one afternoon, in a roadside cafe bathroom in the middle of the countryside, on the hottest day of the year in the middle of the hottest summer on record."

Do you too have an interesting suggestion or perhaps a short story you always wanted to read? Go ahead and message me with your ideas and requests!

I write these short stories as practice. Please give me criticism!