Cutie Mark Crusaders ManBearPig Hunters!
I'm Cereal like a Serious killer
The air was warm, the sun was shining, and everypony in Ponyville was having a glorious day-
Oh, sorry, wrong story. That was Cupcakes. Here, let me start again:
It was a warm and sunny day in Ponyville. The sun cast a blanket of warmth over the entire town. The birds sang their songs, the whistling bringing music to an otherwise silent town. In all ways, it was a peaceful day. In Sweet Apple acres, three young fillies were playing in front of their clubhouse. The orange filly with a purple mane and tail was bouncing a beach ball up and down with her nose. She bounced it three times before rearing up on her front hooves, kicking the ball with her hind legs, sending it towards a yellow filly with a red mane and bow in her hair. The yellow filly bopped the ball towards a white unicorn filly. As soon as it hit her head, the ball popped, having been punctured by her horn.
"Gosh darnit' Sweetie Belle, that's the 52nd ball that your horn has popped!" said the yellow earth pony.
"Sorry Applebloom," replied Sweetie Belle. The orange Pegasus walked up to Sweetie Belle, and put her hoof on her shoulder.
"Don't feel bad, we can always get another ball, but our friendship is irreplaceable," said the cheesy orange pony, who flashed Sweetie a toothy grin.
"Thanks Scootaloo," replied Sweetie who turned to face Scootaloo, their muzzles mere inches apart.
"You know I'd do anything for you," said Scootaloo.
"Yeah?" asked Sweetie as she slowly leaned in.
"Yeah," replied Scootaloo. The two fillies slowly closed their eyes, their lips inches away from each other, when-
"SQUA!" The two fillies yelped in surprise, and turned to face the direction that the noise came from. Applebloom suddenly appeared next to them. The three looked towards the apple trees and saw a strange creature hiding behind a bush. The creature, who was squatting down, stood up on its feet, standing at its full height.
It walked in front of the bush for the girls to see. It stood tall, about as tall as Princess Celestia, maybe even taller. It was hairless, except for the brown mane on its head. It wore a blue shirt, with darker blue pants. But it turns out I lied when I said it was hairless, because it had black patches of fur all over its body. It had a pig nose, and two sets of different looking ears. It wore strange armor like things on its chest, and arms. It had five long claws on each foreleg. Overall, it was the strangest creature the cutie mark crusaders had ever seen. Also, in one of its claws was a clipboard.
"Don't worry, it's not really Manbearpig. It's me, Al Gore!" said the creature.
"Manbearpig?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"Al?" said Applebloom.
"Gore?" said Scootaloo. The creature, who was mouth breathing, walked up to the three fillies.
"My name is Al Gore, former Vice President of the United states. I'm super important," said the creature with a lisp.
"OK, well whats Manbearpig?" asked Scootaloo.
"I'm glad you asked little chicken horse!"
"Hey!"
"Manbearpig is a horrible monster. He is half man, half bear, and half pig," said Al Gore.
"What's a man?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"Yeah, and wouldn't he be 1/3 man, 1/3 bear, and 1/3 pig?" asked Applebloom.
"NO. He's half man, half bear, and half pig," replied Al Gore.
"Maybe he's half manbear, and half pig," suggested Scootaloo.
"No, he's half man, half bear and half pig," stated Al Gore.
"Maybe he's half man, half bearpig," replied Sweetie Belle.
"HE'S F*****G HALF MAN, HALF BEAR, AND HALF PIG!" screamed Al Gore.
"OK, sheesh," said Scootaloo.
"Alright, now as I was saying, Manbearpig doesn't care who you are, or what you've done. All he wants is to GET YOU!" said Al Gore.
"And what does he do if he catches you?" asked Applebloom.
"Well, first he'll tie you up, and take you to his underground lair, where the corpses of his many victims lie strung out on the walls. Then he uses his claws to make long cuts on your arms and legs, but cauterizing the wounds with his fire breath. Then he uses his long sharp claws to reach into your butt hole and pulls out your large intestines. He then forces you to swallow your intestine, cooking it in your own stomach. He cuts your arms and legs off, and stuffs them in your ears. Then he breaks your ribs, and eats your pancreas. Then he-"
"ACK! Enough, please stop!" cried Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle had turned green, and Applebloom had thrown up twice.
"Well, now you know how cereal Manbearpig is," said Al Gore.
"He sounds awful-wait did you say cereal? Don't you mean serious?" questioned Sweetie Belle.
"That's what I said. Cereal."
"Serious."
"Cereal,"
"Serious."
"Cereal."
"Alright, repeat after me," said Scootaloo. "Seer."
"Seer."
"ee."
"ee."
"Us."
"Us."
"Serious."
"Cereal."
"Arg!" cried all three crusaders. Al Gore just stood there, oblivious to how infuriating he is, that stupid mouth breathing grin on his face.
"Now that I've informed you three about the dangers of Manbearpig, can I get you to sign this sheet? Just put your name, phone number, and where you heard about Manbearpig."
"What's a phone number?" asked Applebloom.
"Uh, what's going on here?" The cutie mark crusaders and former Vice President all turned to see three full grown mares. One had an orange coat, blond mane, and stetson hat. The next was a unicorn with alabaster white fur, and a curled purple mane. The last one was a blue Pegasus, with a rainbow mane.
"Oh, his sis," said Applebloom.
"Al Gore here was just telling us about Manbearpig," said Scootaloo.
"Uh, Manbearpig?" questioned Rainbow Dash. Al Gore stepped up.
"He's half man, half bear, and half pig. He's a menace to society, and must be destroyed before he destroys the world. This is Super Cereal!" said Al Gore.
"Alright then," said Applejack. Living in Equestria, land of many unique creatures were know to exist. The idea of a 'Manbearpig' could seem plausible. But something about this 'Al Gore' seemed off. Maybe it was because his fly was down, or maybe because he looked like a psycho badger. It was probably the first thing.
"Well girls, it's time to come home. Say goodbye to your, uh, friend," said Rarity.
"Goodbye girls. Don't forget to stay aware," said Al Gore. The three girls left with their respective big sisters. Everyone said their goodbyes, and then split up. Applejack and Applebloom headed towards the farmhouse, while Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Rainbow, and Scootaloo headed towards Ponyville.
"Come on squirt. We need to get you back to the underfunded, low income orphanage," said Rainbow.
"Will you adopt me?"
"Nope."
Applebloom layed in her bed, tucked in by the covers. Her eyes closed, she dreamed the dreams that all apples dreamed. She dreamed of apples. Because thats all the Apple family ever thinks about. Apples. Applebloom was currently dreaming about living in an apple house, with her apple husband, and apple children. She was just taking an apple pie out of her apple oven when she heard a scratching noise. She tried to ignore it, but it kept persisting.
Eventually, it became enough to rouse her from her slumber. She rose from her bed and looked to her window to see none other than Al Gore in front of her window. She noticed that he no longer dressed like a psycho, now instead he was dressed in less psychotic survital gear.
"A-Al Gore?" questioned Applebloom as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She got up, and opened her window. "Mr. Gore, what're y'all doing here?" asked Applebloom.
"Hello girl one."
"My name is Applebloom."
"As I was saying girl one, I need you and your nameless friends to join me on a wonderful adventure to destroy Manbearpig."
"Uh, I dunno Mr. Gore. Tomorrows a school day."
"This is more important than school!" cried Al Gore.
"I dunno."
"Oh...I get it," said a solemn Al Gore.
"You do?" asked Applebloom.
"Of course I do. You don't believe me." Applebloom noticed that Al looked close to tears. Being compassionate, Applebloom was quick to comfort him.
"No no no, It's not that I don't believe you! I-I just have a lot going on!"
"Yeah sure." Applebloom couldn't take it. He looked so sad.
"Alright, alright, I'll help you!"
"*Sniff sniff* you will?"
"Yes. I'll even get mah friends."
"Accelcior!" said Al Gore, as he raised both arms like a super hero (or a double Nazi) and ran around in circles.
"But, ah, what if mah sister comes in to check on me?" asked Applebloom.
"I have just the thing!" exclaimed Al Gore. He went through the window, down the ladder, and then came back up, carrying a water melon. He took out a sharpie and drew a crude smiley face on it. He then tucked the watermelon in Appleblooms bed. "She'll be none the wiser!"
"Uh, I dunno Mr. Gore. Mah sisters sworn enemy is watermelons. She says their tha' devils fruit."
"Let's go. Accelcior!" yelled Al Gore, as he grabbed Applebloom and chucked her out the window. He then got on his ladder, closed the window, and left.
After a few minutes, the door to Appleblooms room opened and in walked her older sister Applejack.
"Applebloom, are you up after your bedtime again? If you are, you're getting a twenty minute spanking!" Applejack walked to Appleboooms bed, and pulled back the sheets.
"Oh mah Gerd! Appleblooms turned into a watermelon!" Applejack sprinted out of the room, and returned with a long sledgehammer. "Sorry sis, but now that you're a watermelon, you have ta' die." Applejack raised the sledgehammer over her head, and swung it down, smashing the watermelon, sending juice and chunks all over the room.
"Ah, I have watermelon on me! Ah need to purify my skin with hot fire!" screamed Applejack as she ran from the room.
Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle stood by the edge of the Everfree forest. Al Gore was about ten feet ahead of them, examining a map.
"Why are we out here Applebloom?" asked a sleepy Scootaloo.
"I'm actually glad you woke me up. Because of that, I was able to catch and stop Spike from setting up those cameras in our bathroom," said Sweetie Belle.
"Yeah, wait what?" said Appleboom.
"So, we're really going to hunt this Manbearpig? You really believe in it?" asked Scootaloo.
"Well, ahm not really sure. To be honest, I feel kinda' bad fer Al Gore. I don't think he has any friends," said Applebloom. Back in Ponyville, Pinkie Pie shed a single tear in her sleep. "But think of it this way girls. If we actually do find this Manbearpig, we might get our cutie marks!"
"Hey yeah!" squeaked Sweetie Belle. The through grouped together, and loudly proclaimed;
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MANBEARPIG HUNTERS!"
Al Gore quickly rushed to the group and shushed them.
"Shh! Quiet! We can't let Manbearpig know we're here. We must maintain the elephant of surprise!"
Scootaloo was about to correct Al, before Applebloom put a hoof to her mouth.
"Just role with it," said Applebloom.
"Alright kids," said Al Gore. "To kill Manbearpig, you need the proper equipment. For the yellow girl, you get a twelve gauge shotgun." Al gave Applebloom her shotgun. Applebloom fumbled with her handling, before finally getting the hang of it.
"For the white kid, you get a flamethrower."
"Cool," said Sweetie Belle, her eyes going wide with awe as she stared at the beautiful little flame.
"And finally, for you orange chicken kid, you get a butterfly net."
"Aw, come on!" said Scootaloo, obviously unhappy about only getting a small butterfly net.
"Come on, Let's go get him!"
The four adventurers found themselves deep in the Everfree forest. Al Gore took the lead, followed by Applebloom, Sweetie, and lastly Scootaloo.
The group stopped their trek when they heard a howling noise. The three fillies tensed when they heard the sound of predators.
"That's defiantly a Manbearpig call!" claimed Al Gore. Scootaloo stepped forward.
"Um, that sounded more like-" just as she was about to speak, she saw them. Large wolves made entirely of wood. Six of them stepped forward, surrounding the group.
"Wooden Wolves?" questioned Al Gore. "I shall call them...Woody Wolves!" 'I'm so smart and clever' thought Al Gore.
"Those are Timber wolves!" cried Applebloom.
"Don't worry guys, I've got this!" said Sweetie Belle. She stepped forward, a malicious grin on her face. She pointed her flame thrower at the first wolf and pulled the trigger. A torrent of flame spewed forward, igniting the wolf, and burning it to ash in seconds.
"Mwah ha ha ha!" laughed Sweetie Belle. She aimed at the next wolf, and fired. The wolf cried out in anguish.
"Burn you wooden bastards, burn! Ha ha ha ha!" As she continued to burn the rest of the wolves, it was clear to everyone, except Al Gore who wasn't paying attention, that Sweetie was a pyromaniac. As she continued, Scootaloo leaned in to Appleblooms ear.
"Are you turned on too?" asked Scootaloo. Applebloom just gave her an 'are you serious' look. It was pure luck that Sweetie didn't start a forest fire.
"Good job junior Al Gorian!" praised Al Gore. He then led the group forward.
After a buch of walking, the group came to the entrance of a large cave. Al Gore held his hand out to stop the crusaders.
"Alright kids, my Manbearpig tracking device says that Manbearpig is in this cave."
"What do we do Mr. Gore?" asked Applebloom.
"Alright, here's the plan. Listen up, because this is super important and complicated. White girl, you're going to go in the cave, and use your flamethrower to drive out Manbearpig. Orange kid, as soon as Manbearpig leaves the cave, you're going to catch him in your net. Then the girl who smells like Apples is going to shoot Manbearpig with her shotgun."
"What are YOU gonna do?" asked Scootaloo.
"I am going to watch!" said Al Gore.
"As long as I get to burn something, I'm in!" said Sweetie Belle, as she walked into the dark depths of the cave. Scootaloo hid by the corner of the cave, net at the ready. Applebloom took her position next to her, pumping her shotgun. Al Gore hid behind a tree.
After a few minutes, the hunters saw a bright glow from inside the cave. They heard Sweetie Belles voice screaming as she ran out of the cave.
"Holy S***, he's real!"cried Sweetie. Sweetie ran and hid behind the tree with Al Gore. Soon after, a large two legged creature stepped out of the cave. It was tall, taller than Gore. It had a pig snout, brown fur, patches of fur less flesh, sharp teeth, and claws. It was...it was...
"It's Manbearpig!" cried Al Gore.
"I got him!" yelled Scootaloo. She stood on her hind legs, raised the net and swung it down on Manbearpig. The net did absolutely nothing except piss MBP off. MBP kicked Scootaloo strait between the legs, causing her to fly strait up, hundreds of feet into the air.
"My BAAALLLLLLLSSSsssssss!" cried Scootaloo as she shot up into the air.
"Quick, shoot him!" yelled Al Gore. Applebloom raised her shotgun, aimed right at Manbearpig, and pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang, and Manbearpig fell to the ground. "You got him!" Sweetie and Al slowly got out from behind the tree, and walked over to Manbearpig.
"Quick, blow his head off!" urged Al.
"But he's dead," said Applebloom.
"We have to make sure he stays dead! Shoot his head, I'm Cereal!"
"Alright, I guess." Applebloom took aim, and pulled the trigger, causing Manbearpigs head to explode into bloody chunks of skull, and brain matter.
Al Gore jumped up into the air, and started doing a victory dance.
"Yes, yes, we did it! Manbearpig is dead!"
"That death was kinda' anti-climactic," said Applebloom.
"Hey Appleboom, look at your flank!" exclaimed Sweetie.
"Huh, my flank?" Applebloom gasped when she saw her ass. "My cutie mark!" Decorating Applebooms butt was an image of a bear skull, with two scythes crossing in an 'X' behind the skull. "This is the best day ever! Finally, I don't have to hang around you and Scootaloo anymore!"
"yeah,- wait what?"
The group had left the forest, and gone their separate ways. Sweetie Belle went back to her sisters house. Al Gore left the group, but not before declaring the two remaining crusaders; Senior Al Gorians. Applebloom, who now was thinking about how popular she was going to be. She was brought out of her thoughts, when she came to the charred ashy remains of her farmhouse.
"What the hell happened here?"
"aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhHHHHHHH!" Applebloom looked up to see an orange and purple blur coming strait down. Scootaloo fell right on top of Applebloom, causing a large plume of dust, creating a deep crater. Both Crusaders had broken bones.
"And that's how I saved Equestricle!" said Al Gore, as he read from a book and sitting on a rocking chair, with two young children sitting in front of him. The young boy leaned in to his sisters ear and whispered;
"Grandpas crazy!"
The End
Author's Note
If you liked it, please share with people to grow my audience. Thanks!
