Art of the Shave
Princess Twilight Sparkle landed on the balcony of her castle and sat on the floor. Though she was feeling homesick for the Golden Oak Library, she knew she could easily fill her needs with her new home. A glow encased her horn, and a book teleported onto her hooves. She then made her customary checklist appear before her as well.
Let’s see… she mused. Find a new book to read. Check. Get comfortable to read book. Check. Read.
Twilight then gave a quick scan of her list to find out the rest of her agenda. Oh! Shining Armor and Cadance are coming over this afternoon for some tea! Good thing I wrote that one down.
“Hey, Twilight,” A voice said.
“Yes, Spike?” Twilight asked, her focus returning to her books.
“Do you know where you kept the book Health and Maintenance for Stallions?” Spike asked.
“Bookshelf number two, first from the bottom,” Twilight replied.
“Thanks!” Spike said before marching off.
With a small sigh, Twilight opened her book and was about to read before a thought occurred to her.
Health and Maintenance for Stallions? Twilight asked herself. Why would Spike need something on adult care?
She turned around and found Spike standing in front of a mirror, the book tucked into his arm. His face was so close to his reflection he was almost kissing it. Raising an eyebrow, Twilight stood up and silently trotted towards him. Upon further inspection, she found him caressing his upper lip and chin with his free claw.
“What are you up to?” Twilight asked.
“Just checking out my moustache and goatee, Twilight,” Spike said as he turned, a smug grin on his face.
Twilight blinked. At first sight, she still found Spike’s face spotless. With a closer look, however, she managed to spot the stubbles growing. “Spike! That’s nothing!”
Spike huffed. “Yeah? Go ahead and ask Snips and Snails what they think of this bad boy!”
A purple glow encased Spike’s book. Twilight hovered it in front of her and found that he had a bookmark on a page. Opening it, all the evidence she needed was the diagram of a safety razor accompanied by a picture of a stallion’s face with arrows indicating the direction of movement.
“Shaving?” Twilight asked. “Seriously?”
With a quick swipe, Spike grabbed the book and tucked it under his arm once more. “Well, Twilight,” he started matter-of-factly, “if you need to become an alicorn to become a big-time princess, then I need to buy a razor to prove that I’m a drake!”
Twilight threw her hoof on her head with a groan. “That’s not how it works!”
“Fine! Let’s call it a rite of passage, then!”
With that, Spike turned around and marched away, his chest high.
Twilight rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Boys,” she huffed.
===
Time rolled by as Twilight kept her focus on her book. She was thankful that the weather was clear and sunny for the day. Occasionally, she would see a pegasus or a bird fly by, and she would greet them with a warm smile and a polite nod. She stood up to stretch her limbs, kicking her hooves and opening her wings.
Now would be a good time for a snack, she thought to herself.
Twilight proceeded inside her castle and could hear Spike murmuring to himself, his voice bouncing off the walls. Probably still reading that silly book, she thought.
“Let’s see…” Spike started. “Don’t press, and shave with the grain. If you want a closer shave, go sideways. The closest shave is against the grain, but there are a challenges associated with shaving this method, mainly on those with sensitive skin.”
Spike’s voice faded away, drowned out by the clip clop of Twilight’s hooves.
He’s rehearsing? Twilight thought to herself. She chuckled at the idea. Spike can say what he wants, but he’s still as adorable as ever!
After a few more steps, Twilight heard Spike’s voice return. “...Use free hoof to pull skin down…”
Twilight continued snickering, stuffing a hoof into her mouth as she did so.
“.. with the blade to form an L shape,” Spike continued. “If you’re right-hoofed, the position would be reversed.”
At that point, Twilight’s giggled disappeared, replaced by a flat face.
Blade? she asked herself as she she picked up her pace. Why would a safety razor go into such detail?
Twilight suddenly turned and entered one of the castle’s many bedrooms. A few steps in, she found Spike in the bathroom facing a mirror, his focus on his book in front of him.
“Take short strokes with the blade thirty degrees from your face,” Spike read. “And never plant it, also known as don’t let it sit on your face; keep it moving.”
Spike glanced at the mirror and found Twilight approaching him. He turned around, and with his chest out, he brandished a safety razor. He held it high like a knight in shining armor displaying his sword.
“I’m a drake now, Twilight!” Spike proclaimed proudly.
“Spike, why are you suddenly obsessed with shaving?” Twilight asked. “Is it because you overheard Rarity’s comment on how she liked Tom Saddleston’s shave?”
Spike flinched, then shook his head wildly. “No, it’s because when I met up with Snips and Snails, they told me they’ve already shaved their facial hairs off, and mine is more grown than theirs!”
Twilight arched an eyebrow with a steely silence.
“Okay, fine!” Spike blurted, his cheeks red. “It’s because I did hear Rarity’s liking to Tom Saddleston’s shave!”
Then, he looked at his safety razor, eyeing it carefully.
“But I know this thing’s for amateurs.The real pros, the real gentlecolts, do it the old-fashioned way.” A crude smile appeared on Spike’s lips. “Haymes Bond, secret agent style!”
Twilight frowned and tilted her head.
Under no circumstance would a safety razor need a shape of an ‘L’, she thought to herself. Nor is there a need for a thirty degree angle...
Finally, a realization dawned on her, and a jolt traveled down her spine. “Spike! No straight razors!”
“Thick scales, Twilight. Don’t worry about it!”
“I said no!”
===
“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake! Clap your hooves, and do a little shake!”
Cadance and Twilight sang their tune together in perfect harmony, their dance and movements synchronized and rehearsed to the core. The two of them hugged and giggled.
“It’s so good to see you again!” Cadance cheered.
“Same here, Cadance!” Twilight returned. She looked to her side and saw a white-coated stallion with a muscular build standing next to Cadance, his smile as warm as ever. “Shining Armor!”
Shining Armor reached over and wrapped a hoof around Twilight. “Hey there, Twily! How’s my little sis doing?”
“Better than ever,” Twilight said, shaking herself free from the hug. She motioned them to follow her. “Come in, it’s time for tea!”
The three of them entered the castle. Twilight lead them along elaborate halls while they caught up on news, activities, and words as of late. Eventually, they found themselves on a terrace where a table for four was set up. They settled down to their seats, and Shining Armor looked around and blew a long whistle.
“Your own castle, huh?” Shining Armor remarked.
“I’m still getting used to it,” Twilight said.
“You’re lucky to have a place all to your own authority.” Shining Armor switched his gaze to Cadance. “You know, I should turn one of our spare rooms into my very own stallion cave.”
Cadance rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Say, where’s Spike?”
“Afternoon, ladies and gentlecolt,” a voice said.
The three of them turned and found Spike walking into the terrace with a cart, a tea set laid out on top of it. He wore a form-fitting sport jacket, complimented with a black turtle neck.
Cadance snickered, bringing her hooves to her lips. Shining Armor somehow managed to keep his smile to a minimum. Twilight, however, cocked an eyebrow.
“Seriously?” she murmured.
Spike brought the tea to the table and poured a serving for everypony. Then, he took his own cup and sniffed at the aroma. After taking a sip, he set it down on its saucer.
“Lovely,” he said.
Cadance snorted and had a few giggles escape her. Regardless, she still fought her best to hold herself back. Her cheeks were becoming red, and she looked like she was putting forward the most demanding effort in her entire life.
“Since when did you have an accent, Mister Bond?” Twilight asked flatly. She directed her attention to Cadance. “I’m sorry, but he’s been quite obsessed with shaving his ‘moustache and goatee’ lately. For Rarity.”
Then, she looked at Shining Armor. “Why are boys so obsessed with looking good for girls?”
“We are more focussed,” Spike said. “More precise.”
Shining Armor gave a small chuckle and also puffed his chest out, his crude smile becoming ever more sinister. “We have a certain style,” he began, imitating Spike’s accent, “an eye for detail.”
Twilight frowned. “That still doesn’t explain how you’re suppose to impress a girl.”
“A stiff upper lip is key,” Shining Armor said.
“No wonder both of you went so well together,” Twilight deadpanned. “You’re both dorks.”
Spike cleared his throat. “Firstly, you need to sound distinct, to speak with an eloquence that lets everyone know who’s in charge. After all, there’s no need to shout if you’ve got the vigor… unless, of course, if you want to.”
“Second,” Shining Armor added, “your suit, clothing, and all you gear should always be razor-sharp. Like your wit.”
Then, he looked at Spike and scanned his attire, then giving a small nod of approval. “Your tool of choice?”
“Gazette,” Spike replied. “Fission Pro-Waft.”
“Excellent choice. It’s important that you should always stay one step ahead.”
After a small nod, Spike reached underneath the tea cart and pulled out a tiered stand filled with assorted sandwiches, scones, and cakes. He then set it on the table and gave a polite bow.
Shining Armor smiled in approval. “Impressive.”
“And I thought your ‘swagger’ to woo Cadance in high school was bad,” Twilight muttered.
“Oh, yes,” Spike said. A small smile escaped his lips. “It’s good to be bad.”
Finally, Cadance burst out laughing. Tears formed in her eyes as she fell back upon her seat, her voice carrying towards the castle halls. Shining Armor and Spike held their presence, an aura of sophistication and understated eloquence that encouraged her to laugh her lungs out even more.
“Oh, consider me won over!” Cadance shuffled to Spike and wrapped a hoof around his shoulders. “Where shall we head off tonight, my good sir?”
Spike stood silent. He faced Twilight, the look on his face spelling one simple message.
I told you so.
With a loud groan, Twilight slammed her forehead upon the table. “Dorks.”
