Monday Night Rawhide

by ObeySaturnGod

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6
Length: 9979

Wrestling's come to Equestria, and it's taken ponies by storm

OHHH YEAHHH!!! Are you ready for the smackdown spectacle that has taken Equestria by storm? No? Too bad, punk! We've got a smorgasbord of matches lined up tonight, and this pain train ain't stopping until we've got the crowd hopping! Bitter rivalries are coming to a boil, steel cages are doing their best to keep the action contained, and a triple threat match will determine the fate of the Equestrian Wrestling Federation Championship!

So take a seat on the couch, snap into an apple crisp, and enjoy the pony poundings brought to you tonight by Monday Night Rawhide!

Cover image by shinkuma

Published 2012-04-14 19:12:09 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-14 19:12:09 UTC

Monday Night Rawhide

The crowd was in a hushed silence in the pitch darkness, unable to see their hooves in front of their faces. There were a few whispers here and there, but most of them were eagerly awaiting the show. Few of them had heard of this new sport before, but the ads they had seen made it seem like the most awesome thing ever had come to town, ramped up by about twenty percent.

The theme song kicked in. A laser show started, illuminating the interior of the stadium in bright red lighting. The crowd started to cheer, and it only increased as the light began to flash faster and brighter. The song was giving the crowd a run for its money in terms of sheer loudness, but the crowd won out as fireworks suddenly went off and the huge titantron lit up with the logo of the show, spelling out Monday Night Rawhide in huge red and white lettering. The lights of the arena came on and the crowd erupted in a crescendo as a voice exploded from the arena’s PA system.

“Welcome, mares and gentlecolts! This is Princess Celestia, along with my broadcast partner and dear sister Luna, and we’re here live at Mareison Square Garden smack dab in the middle of Canterlot! We’ve got a great lineup for you tonight, and the wrestling’s only going to get better as the night goes on!”

“Oh yes, big sister! There’s much pounding to be had tonight, and in the opening bout, it’s going to be the defending champions, the world famous Flim Flam Brothers against the up and coming TaviScratch duo for the Equestrian Tag Team Championships!”

“Speaking of upcoming bout, here come the challengers now!” She gestured with a hoof towards the stage as a strange mix of classical and electric music filled the arena. A burst of blue and grey pyrotechnics, and out came Vinyl Scratch and Octavia to the thunderous applause of the audience. They were dressed in leotards that matched the colors of each other’s coats, Vinyl sporting her trademark purple shades and Octavia looking none too pleased.

“Honestly, Vinyl, is this whole charade really necessary?” She asked under her breath in a nonplussed tone.

Vinyl gave her a playful shove as they made their way down the ramp. “Not really, but it’s pretty awesome, isn’t it? Besides, we could use the money, and if it comes with two sweet golden belts, I’m not complaining.”

“But I don’t even know how to wrestle, not that I would even want to participate in such a barbaric act in the first place!”

“Oh come on, you took out that peon in the recruiting round last week, no sweat, and you didn’t seem to have a problem with it then!” They were on the ring apron now, and they held the ropes open for each other, stepping into the squared circle.

“I only went because I was worried about you, and I knocked that brute out by accident! I tripped over my hooves and just so happened to head butt him into unconsciousness!” But her words fell on deaf ears, as Vinyl had already climbed the nearest turnbuckle, waving to the fans and flinging her glasses into the crowd, her crimson eyes receiving a fresh applause. Octavia sighed and went to their corner, waiting for the showpony to join her.

Their mixed theme cut out and was replaced by a fast paced country song that was accompanied with white and apple red lighting. “And here come the champions now!” Celestia’s voice boomed out.

The champions appeared, belts around their midsections, and were met immediately with boos from the crowd. They made a strange sight, wearing what seemed like battle armor more fitting for a medieval fair and had their faces painted in white, black and red. They locked eyes with the two already in the ring as Vinyl reassured her partner. “Don’t worry, Octy, I can take these guys by myself.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.” Vinyl gave her a smile, which Octavia sighed to. She stepped over to the ring ropes and made herself as comfortable as possible on the apron. Flim stepped up into the ring as his brother copied Octavia, casting off their belts and handing them to ringside assistants.

“Alright, Luna, it looks like the match is ready to begin!”

“Indeed! The referee has taken her place above the action, and… wait,” Luna said in confusion, looking intently at the grey pegasus in black and white hovering above the ring. “Is that… that mare is cross eyed! Who made her a referee!?”

“Doesn’t matter, the match has begun!” Celestia bellowed as the ring bell was rung at the ref’s signal. “Oh, it looks like Flim’s been chomping at the bit for this match!” Flim flung himself at the DJ turned wrestler, attempting to wrap her up in a hold. Her reflexes proved superior, however, as she quickly stepped out of the way, his momentum sending him head first into the middle pad of the turnbuckle she was standing in front of. “Oh ho, Flim’s just had his bell rung!”

Luna groaned at the terrible joke and took over the commentary. “Yes he has, but he’s not the champion for nothing!” Flim shook his head and regained his composure, turning to face Vinyl. This was not a smart move, as she had taken the initiative to launch an attack of her own. She uppercut the champion, pinning him up against the turnbuckle. He was enveloped in a bluish aura and was floated up to the top of the post. Vinyl climbed up, her back legs balancing precariously on the top rope as she grabbed Flim’s head. She rose her free hoof up and yelled out, sending the crowd into more applause. “Oh no, she’s not going to do what I think she’s going to do, is she!?” Luna could barely be heard over the cries of the audience.

“Yes she is!!” Celestia cried out as Vinyl threw herself backwards, taking Flim with her. The two ponies twisted through the air, crashing hard to the mat on their backs. Octavia let out a gasp that was muted by the crunching sound the ring let off and the roars of the crowd. “Oh my, I’ve never seen an amateur pull off such an astounding move before!! Vinyl must want those championship belts more than the new record release this month!”

“Vinyl, please, say something!” Octavia cried out to her fallen partner. Vinyl didn’t answer, instead crawling over to Flim and throwing her leg across him. Derpy landed and started the count, smacking the ring with her hoof as Celestia called it.

“One…Two…NO!” Flam intervened, pulling Vinyl off of his partner just before Derpy’s hoof could connect with the canvas thrice. Luna slammed her legs down on the announcer’s table, yelling into her headset.

“What an underhanded move! Vinyl would have won if not for that cheap trick!”

“Wait, it looks like Octavia has taken offense to this interruption, and she’s…what is she doing!?!” The two Princesses could only look on in shock as the normally reserved cellist made a move that would be remembered in wrestling history for years to come.

While Flam had been busy saving the match, Octavia had been positioning herself. She was now in-between the second and top ropes, stretching herself backwards by pushing on the top ropes with her front hooves, back hooves holding steady on the middle ropes. She was the pebble in an impromptu slingshot, and as the tension of the ropes reached the breaking point, she shouted out at Flam, who was retreating back to his corner on Derpy’s orders. “Don’t you dare touch her, you slimly little snake!” She released her hold on the top ropes, propelling herself at near Mach speed towards the oblivious Flam. He barely had time to turn around before the speeding gray bullet connected, both of them sprawling through the ropes and onto the padded ground below. The crowd was silent for a moment, and then cheered for all they were worth at the amazing feat of athletic skill that had just been showcased.

“Unbelievable!! These two newcomers are either the most determined or most insane tag team we’ve ever seen! This is Vinyl’s chance! If she can pull off one more move, she can put the final nail in this coffin and win the championships!” Vinyl must have heard Celestia’s advice, as she got to shaky legs and once again grabbed Flim with her magic, heaving him up on her back. Her knees were buckling, but the thought of those belts floated through her mind and she willed herself to finish the job.

“Alright, Flim, we’ve had our fun, but I think it’s time we put an end to this! Have a taste of my Record Spin!” With that shout, she whipped him around with a mix of magic and physical power, slamming him down harshly on the mat. She collapsed onto him, and Derpy started the count again.

“One…Two…THREE!! They did it!” Celestia’s count was redundant, as the crowd had been following Derpy themselves and had lost it when her hoof hit the mat a third time. “An amazing display from these two rookies has just won them the Tag Team Titles!” The pair’s music had started to play, and Octavia had recovered enough to slide back into the ring and support herself on Vinyl, who was doing the same with her. The ref floated over to the ring assistants that held the belts, took them, and gave one each to the new champions. Octavia was dumbstruck, presumably still unbelieving that she had just pulled off one of the most spectacular moves in recent memory. She could only watch as Vinyl did enough celebrating for the both of them, parading around the ring while holding her belt up.

“Vinyl, please, let’s not make this any worse than it already is…”

“Huh? What do you mean worse? This is great! You just need to lighten up a little.” With that, Vinyl raised Octavia’s leg, and applause filled the stadium. “See? This isn’t so bad, is it?”

“Hmph.” She took her leg back and exited the ring, her newly won belt hanging loosely from her neck. Vinyl sighed and followed her, and as they reached the top of the stage, Octavia suddenly struck a victorious pose and was met with a thunderous stamping of hooves. Her partner could only laugh as she finally gave in, and she patted her partner on the back as the two disappeared behind the curtains that hid the backstage area. The Flim Flam brothers took this as their cue to evacuate the ring, and unlike the two that had come before them, argued the entire way backstage.

“Luna, do you remember when I said at the top of the show the wrestling would only get better as the night went on?”

“I do indeed, sister.”

“Well, I’m not so sure about that now, because that was an amazing opening match!”

“Indeed it was, but right now we have a special interview with one of the contestants from the next match.” She pointed at the titantron as it lit up, showing two ponies. One of them, a small pale filly with a reporter’s hat was holding a microphone up to the other pony, a shockingly pink one with a strange, hawk like pattern painted on her face in bright yellow and red that dominated it from her cheeks to her forehead. She was wearing leg bands on all of her legs, colorful streamers attached to each one.

The filly began the interview with the strange wrestler. “Ah’m here with the crazy, risk takin’, party lovin’ pony herself, the Ultimate Partyer. Tell me, Partyer, how do you fell about your upcomin’ match against your bitter rival, the Hitmare, Fluttershy?”

The Partyer responded in a high pitched and excited voice. “There won’t be any hiding for Fluttershy once we get in the ring! She may have gotten lucky in our previous fights, but that was when I was super-duper tired from partying the night before! Well not tonight! Our match has no disqualifications, and I’ve brought some of my best surprises, just for her! I didn’t even party last night, and that’s just got me itching for some fun!” With that, the crazed ball of cotton candy sprang away from the camera and headed for the ring.

“Looks like she’s comin’ your way, Princesses!”

“Thanks for the interview, Applebloom.” A hard rocking theme suddenly burst from the arena speakers, and Celestia turned her focus to the stage as the image of the filly on the titantron cut out and was replaced by a montage of the pink pony doing ridiculous things inside the ring, like causing her opponent to slip on a banana peel and setting off party favors after a victory. A few moments of this, and the Partyer made her grand entrance, confetti cannons going off everywhere in a huge, coordinated bang. She got a huge reaction from the crowd as she bounced around the stage. “And here she is, everypony, the one, the only, the Ultimate Partyer! She’s been known to make the most outlandish remarks in the EWF, but when push comes to shove, there’s no denying she’s one of the most electrifying competitors we have!” The Partyer hopped around the stage and zeroed in on the ring, putting on a look of determination that somehow came off as even crazier than when she was bouncing her flank off. “Normally she’d be on even grounds with her competitor, but since this match has no disqualifications, she’s free to use whatever she can find, and you can never tell what she’s going to pull out next!” Partyer reached the ring, and with an amazing bounce, jumped over the ropes and onto the mat, receiving the crowd’s accolades.

Her celebrations were short lived, however, as her music was cut and replaced with a much more reserved tune that still made its impact, making it clear to the fans that play time was over. Pink lighting filled the arena, and a picture of a heart appeared on a yellow background on the huge screen. The guitar ramped up, and with an explosive crescendo, the heart snapped in two as the Hitmare made her entrance. Her pink mane was a mess, but she couldn’t care less about it. She was wrapped in a black jacket that went to her hind legs, a heart emblazoned on the jacket’s front. It was impossible to tell where she was looking as the bright pink glasses hid her eyes, but if the her impassive expression was any indication, she wasn’t impressed with the Partyer. “And making her way to the ring, it’s the Hitmare, Fluttershy!” The crowd roared for her, Fluttershy giving them a small wave that sent up even louder cheers. She stoically walked down the ramp, pausing at ringside to hand her glasses off to a foal in the crowd. For the first time, everyone could see her eyes, and there was nothing but grim determination in them. She stared down the Partyer as she entered the ring, unzipping her jacket and tossing it away.

“These two have quite a history, don’t they, Luna?”

“Quite. It was just a few weeks ago that the Partyer interrupted Fluttershy’s match with Mare Do Well, costing Fluttershy her Intercontinental Championship. Of course, the Hitmare didn’t take kindly to that, and she was actually the one who demanded this be a no disqualifications match, despite knowing full well what the Partyer’s capable of when she isn’t bound by official sanctions.”

“All of that has led up to this moment, right here, right now!” The starring contest had continued as the two announcers informed the audience, Partyer shifting eagerly on her hooves. Derpy was safely hovering above the two, and with a quick motion of her hoof, the bell sounded. “And we’ve begun!” Partyer wasted no time, hoping up to the top of the turnbuckle. Fluttershy took a defensive stance as she stood her ground. The Partyer looked up at the ref who was hovering above her, and with a nearly effortless jump, grabbed onto her back hooves. “Oh my, Partyer has just grabbed the referee! What does she think she’s doing?” Derpy was rocking in the air, desperately trying to get the Partyer to relinquish her grip as Fluttershy watched from the ring below.

“This is ridiculous,” Luna cried, and the fans were agreeing with her as a few started to boo. “She needs to let go of that poor referee before they both plummet to the ground!” Partyer was thinking along the same lines, but what no one knew was that she had this entire situation planned out. The rocking had gotten more severe, and as Derpy thrust her legs towards Fluttershy, Partyer let go, using both Derpy’s and her own momentum to launch herself at her opponent. Her legs were outstretched in a mock karate pose as she let out a primal yell, the frills of her leg bands and her hair flowing wildly in the air. “She had a plan all along, and it was to deliver a super missile dropkick!” Fluttershy showed emotion for the first time, a look of surprise on her face. The pink missile was quickly approaching, and she barely dove out of the way in time, Partyer flying through the ropes and crashing to the mats on the ground. “Oh my Celestia, she could have been knocked out cold if that had connected! We’ve lost sight of the Partyer, but the Hitmare is still in the ring, waiting for her!” Luna was right, as the arena had lost sight of a certain maniacal party going pony.

“I… I think she went under the ring,” Celestia fathomed. “There’s no other place she could have disappeared to!” The crowd had died down, unsure what to think of the Partyer’s sudden vanishing act. Fluttershy was tense, looking around for any sign of her rival. “Wait, there she is!” Celestia frantically pointed at the ring directly in front of the announcer table. Out from underneath the ring came the Partyer, clutching something in her mouth. “Whatever that is, it’s legal!” As she emerged, it became evident that she had a… jug of chocolate milk.

Whatever she planned to do with it would have to wait, however, as the Hitmare had waited for her long enough. She ran into the ropes opposite of Partyer, and using their momentum, flew straight at the ropes in front of the announcer table and Partyer. With nary a second left, she spread her wings to their fullest, soaring above them as she let out a powerful war cry. She slammed into the unsuspecting pony, sending them both sliding across the floor and into the table that the shocked Princesses were seated at.

“Sweet molasses, Fluttershy absolutely does not care about her body as long as she takes out her opponent!” The two competitors were battered, but unbelievably they both rose to their hooves. “I can’t believe they got up so quickly! Heck, I can’t believe they got up at all!” Celestia and Luna had the best seat in the house as the two started going at it, trading blows with each other as they stumbled towards the ring. Fluttershy gained the upper hand and tossed Partyer into it, rolling in after her. “Very few wrestlers could get such a reaction out of Fluttershy, but now that she has the advantage, Partyer will have to think fast to avoid one of her excruciating holds!” Unfortunately for Partyer, she was still too dazed to take Celestia’s advice. Fluttershy dragged her to the middle of the mat and wrapped her up in a choke hold, leveraging herself by wrapping her hind legs around Partyer’s pink body.

Luna winced as Fluttershy applied pressure. “Oooh, that’s not good for Partyer! Hitmare’s holds are known far and wide to be some of the most effective moves in any wrestler’s arsenal! In fact, I think she’s been banned from using them on the general public of Equestria! Something about them being cruel and unusual punishment, but that’s nothing to worry about in a no holds barred match!”

“I’ve heard rumors she perfected those holds on the woodland creatures that surround her home, but I couldn’t find any legitimacy to them.” The announcer’s conversation was cut short as Partyer cried out and started to, for lack of a better term, hulk up. Through sheer herculean effort and strength, she began pushing apart Fluttershy’s legs, and with a final thrust broke the hold. She bounded to her hooves and sprang away so hard she soared over the ropes and landed back at the announcer table.

“Hiya, Princesses,” She managed to get out as she tried to catch her breath. “Enjoying the show?” She chose a very strange time to start up a chat session, but just as fast as she began talking she dove for the jug of milk that had been discarded earlier in the match. She ripped the top off and started to chug it down, casting everyone including her opponent into a confused silence.

“Celestia… what is she doing?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it only makes sense to her!” Partyer finished the jug off, wiping her mouth with a hoof and giving a satisfied sigh. Seconds passed and nothing happened, all eyes on her. Partyer started to shake and rumble. “Oh no, this doesn’t look good. What’s happening to her?”

Her question was answered as a plethora of new ones popped up as Partyer shot up into the air, somehow having obtained flight despite being an earth pony. She yelled out to everyone in the arena as she flew circles high above the ring, carefully avoiding the steel cage that was suspended from the rafters. “I am the spaceship, and chocolate milk is my rocket fuel!! No one can stop me now!” The mad ramblings of a mad, reality bending pony caused a variety of reactions from the crowd, ranging from cheers and applause to utter jaw dropping disbelief. The nearly forgotten Hitmare could only stare up with wide eyes as Partyer stabilized herself near the arena’s roof and locked onto her target. The two must have been reading each other’s minds, as Fluttershy hunkered down to the ground and spread her wings, her brow furrowed and her lips set in a small frown.

“On no, don’t tell me…” Before Celestia could finish, they made their moves. Fluttershy launched herself like a rocket as Partyer did the same, the only difference being their starting positions. The referee barely had enough time to dodge out of the way before the two connected midair, sending a horrible cracking sound through the arena, their bodies tangling together as they fell to the mat. “Oh my, whoever comes out on top of this may just win the match!!” They plummeted, still tangled up in each other as they struck the mat, sending a shockwave through the arena as the dumbstruck fans shouted at the tops of their lungs. They were in a heap, but they were still somehow moving. They straightened out, and as the dust settled, everyone could see the results of the fall…

“SHARPSHOOTER!!” Luna’s voiced crackled and boomed out, the fans going into a blood frenzy as the Hitmare pulled back on Partyer’s legs, having the submission firmly locked in at the middle of the ring. “I don’t know how she did it, but Fluttershy somehow got herself into position to lock in her finishing move! They’re in the middle of the ring, there’s no hope of a rope break for Partyer! Will she submit!?” Derpy landed next to the pair, her face inches away from the exhausted pink pony’s as she asked whether or not she wanted to give.

She shook her head, sending her frizzled mane every which way. Fluttershy didn’t hear the bell, and wrenched the hold even tighter. Partyer tried her best to hold on, but the rush she had gotten from her self-described rocket fuel had run out, leaving the spaceship stranded in, well, space. She raised a hoof and slammed it down as fast and as much as possible, causing Derpy to fly up into the air and call for the bell. The uproarious screams from the crowd nearly drowned out the ringing that had been joined by Fluttershy’s theme. She let go of Partyer’s legs, collapsing to the mat.

“That’s it, it’s over!! The Hitmare Fluttershy has made the Ultimate Partyer tap to the Sharpshooter, despite being handicapped by the stipulations of the match! Not to take anything away from either of them, though! This was an incredible match that will go down in history as the match that broke the laws of physics!” Fluttershy was sweaty, battered and bruised, but she rose to shaky legs and allowed Derpy to raise her hoof in victory to the ovulation of the ecstatic fans. “After that spectacular collision in the air, I didn’t think either of them would be able to stand, much less continue the fight! And… wait a minute, it looks like Fluttershy isn’t done with the Ultimate Partyer just yet.” All attention was turned to the middle of the ring where Fluttershy was standing over her defeated opponent, her intentions hidden behind the stone like face she was wearing. The Partyer was panting on the ground, looking much different than when she began the match. A good amount of her face paint had peeled off, and her mane was looking more like cotton candy than actual hair. Her leg bands were still intact, though a few of the streamers had been lost. She looked up at Fluttershy, and the Hitmare offered her a hoof. The crowd stamped their hooves in applause as Fluttershy helped her up, throwing Partyer’s leg over her shoulder. They supported each other as they exited the ring and made their way up the ramp, pausing to wave one final goodbye to the crowds before going backstage.

The music was cut and Celestia took over the broadcast. “What a great show of sportsmanship from the Hitmare, helping her opponent up after the match. Actions speak louder than words, and tonight, Fluttershy may have just delivered the speech of the night. An excellent match fought by both participants, and dare I say that midair collision turned Sharpshooter was one of the most impressive and dangerous maneuvers I’ve ever seen in a match.”

“I agree completely. It’s astounding, the lengths these ponies will go to in order to win, especially considering how dangerous it can be.” They were interrupted by a sudden change in lighting. The white lights went out, replaced by dark blue beams that illuminated the steel cage hanging in the air. There came a cold metallic theme, and the cage started to lower, rousing the fans that had spent their energy shouting during the previous match. “There’s no time to rest, it seems, as the next match’s stipulation is making its way into position. This will be a steel cage match for the Intercontinental Championship, and the participants will be the defending champion Mare Do Well against the extravagant Miss Rarity. These two have been at each other’s throats ever since Mare Do Well insulted Miss Rarity’s choice of clothing, which is something very silly to be fighting over, if you ask me. Regardless, feelings are coming to a head tonight, as Do Well’s new title is on the line, but there’s more at stake than just that. If Mare Do Well loses, she must unmask herself immediately following her loss. However, if Miss Rarity loses, then she must forfeit any future Intercontinental Championship opportunities. Obviously, neither of them can afford to lose, but one of them will have to!”

“And it just so happens that one of our backstage reporters has convinced Miss Rarity to give us an interview.” The titantron came to life, showing an orange pegasus filly wearing a hat similar to the one the pale filly had worn. She held a microphone up to the mouth of a stunningly white unicorn dressed in a shining ruby red dress and matching slippers. Accompanying her was a small purple dragon.

“Thanks, Princesses! Miss Rarity, you and Mare Do Well have been at odds with each other since she insulted your frankly stunning dress several weeks ago. How do you feel about the upcoming match and the prospect of revealing who Mare Do Well really is?”

She adjusted her pristine hair before answering the reporter. “Honestly, she’s the one who brought this upon herself. I would be perfectly happy with a normal match, but when she insulted my fashion, she made it personal.” Rarity’s eyes seemed to light up on fire as she finished the sentence. “As for whom she is, that doesn’t concern me. What does concern me is the championship belt, and how fabulous it would look on me. If that little miss mystery thinks she can keep such a prize from me, I have four words for her; I will DESTROY YOU!”

The dragon piped up. “Yeah! Miss Rarity is gonna beat the snot out of that stupid masked moron!”

“Thank you for the vote of confidence, Spike. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I do believe I have a match to attend to.” She walked away from camera and headed to the stage, Spike following behind her.

“Looks like this fight’s gonna be a good one, Princesses! I’m gonna go find a seat up in the rafters!”

“Great work as always, Scootaloo.” The titantron lost the image of the orange filly and was replaced with one of a beautiful diamond. Miss Rarity’s song came on, a beautiful yet mysterious melody that reflected her personality perfectly. The lights of the stadium went out, and they started to flash a pure white. The song reached a crescendo, and out came Rarity in her glimmering outfit as the diamond on the screen burst into a million tiny pieces, Spike trailing behind her. The crowd was awe struck by it all, and cheers echoed through the building. “That Miss Rarity sure knows how to make an entrance, though she always takes her sweet time in getting to the ring.” Celestia spoke the truth, as Rarity stopped every two feet to meet with an adoring fan. “This gives us the chance to outline the rules of the cage match. Luna?”

“In this match, the two competitors are placed inside the cage, and the only way to win is to either climb over the top or go through the door and have all four hooves touch the ground. Now, special rules have been introduced for this match since Mare Do Well is a pegasus and Miss Rarity is a unicorn. Mare Do Well is allowed to use her flight to launch attacks at Miss Rarity, but she cannot use it to give herself an advantage in climbing over the cage. If she escapes like that, she’ll have to do it the good old fashioned earth pony way. Conversely, Miss Rarity cannot use her magic to aid herself in an escape attempt, but is allowed to use it to attack Mare. The referee will be on the lookout for any violations, and if she sees anything out of line, the offender will be warned once. If it happens again, they will automatically be disqualified. This will hopefully ensure the fairest fight possible.”

“Well said, Luna. It appears as if Miss Rarity has finally entered the ring.” She had stripped off her dress and shoes and handed them to Spike. She climbed the steps of the ring and stepped through the cage door, looking up at the structure as she took her place in her corner. The beautiful melody finished up, and it was replaced by another mysterious tune, although this one was much darker and slower paced. The black silhouette of Mare Do Well in front of a red sun appeared on the screen, and the fans looked towards the entrance of the stage, waiting for the mare to make her appearance. “No pony has any idea who this mare is, only that she arrived on the scene about a month and a half ago and made a quick impression, easily winning her first matches here in the EWF. She was given a title shot against the Hitmare, and thanks to interference by the Ultimate Partyer, claimed the title for herself. Speculation about who this pony is has run the gambit, but the simple fact is we don’t know who she is, but that could change tonight!” Mare Do Well had yet to come out, and a few murmurs of uncertainty broke out. “She wouldn’t miss this, would she?” No, she wouldn’t, as a black figure suddenly dropped down from the top of the titantron, silencing the murmurs of doubt, replacing it with stamping hooves. She was wearing her full body suit sans cape, making her look like a cross between a superhero and a wrestler. She had the title belt around her neck. She grabbed her hat and threw it out into the audience as she made her way down the ramp. “There she is! Guess she can’t help but keep everypony waiting in suspense!” Mare and Miss Rarity were staring each other down as the former entered the steel prison. Behind her, the referee took the belt and tossed it to an assistant, shut the door and floated to the top of the structure, ready to look for any signs of cheating. With a wave of her hoof, the bell was rung.

Miss Rarity stopped to take the time for a quick taunt. “I say, Mare Do Well, that outfit is getting quite old, don’t you think so? If I were you, I would have discarded it a long time ago.”

Mare simply shook her head, her voice muffled behind her mask. “Do you ever think about something else other than fashion?”

“Of course I do. Right now, I’m-“ She was cut off, as Mare rushed over to her and threw her to the side of the ring where Mare had just been. Rarity ran into the ropes, narrowly avoiding hitting the cage as she rushed back to Mare. Just as Rarity met her, Mare fell onto her back as she grasped Rarity by her front legs. She kicked Rarity’s stomach, sending her flying. She tumbled through the air and landed on her back as Spike cried out, feeling her pain. Rarity got to her hooves and adjusted her mane. “Such bad manners, interrupting me before I finish my thought! Didn’t your mother teach you better?” Mare didn’t answer, instead making a break for the door. “Oh no you don’t!” Rarity dove for her, catching her back legs and causing her to fall. “You’re not escaping that easily!”

“And the quick attempt by Mare Do Well to end the match is stopped just short! That’s out of character for Mare, she usually doesn’t want to end the match so quickly. Maybe the thought of unmasking frightens her more than she’s showing?”

“Perhaps, Luna, perhaps. Oh my, Miss Rarity’s got Mare in a half Boston crab!” Rarity was pulling back on Mare’s left leg as she made herself comfortable on Mare’s backside.

“Really, darling, you’re not going to leave so soon, are you? I admit, I’m not usually one for such barbarity, but when you make fun of my clothes, I can’t be held responsible for what I do to you!” With that, she wrenched the hold tighter, causing Mare to grunt in pain. Mare wouldn’t go down so easily, however, as she leveraged herself on her front legs and began to push her captured leg back with all her might. Despite Rarity’s efforts, Mare was too strong for her, and she was flung forward as Mare kicked her leg out. Rarity went into an action roll, getting back to her hooves and turning around to face her opponent.

“Great show of strength by Mare Do Well to escape from Miss Rarity’s hold! She’s proven herself one of the most determined competitors in recent memory!”

Rarity and Mare were in a standoff, each waiting for the other to make the next move. “Come on, little Miss Rarity, let’s see what you got,” Mare taunted.
Rarity’s eyes flashed for a brief second before she regained control of herself. “No one. Calls me. Little Miss!” Her horn glowed, and Mare was wrapped in a bluish glow. Mare didn’t take kindly to this, and stretched out her wings, trying to fly upwards. “Ohhohohoh, no no no, you’re not weaseling your way out of this!” Rarity pulled Mare down as hard as she could, Mare flying her best against the pull of the magic.

“One of them has to give, it’s just a question of who!?” As it turned out, Rarity would give, as the blue aura surrounding Mare suddenly disappeared. Mare, who had been flying as fast as she could, shot up into the air, heading straight for the referee. Poor Derpy couldn’t get out of the way in time, and the two pegasi smashed into each other. They started into a free fall towards the canvas below. “Oh my me, it looks like the referee and Mare Do Well have been knocked out, and if they don’t wake up now, they’ll be in for a hard landing!” Rarity, who had a perfect chance to escape, instead focused intently on the two falling mares, the same blue aura surrounding both of them. Sweat broke out on Rarity’s brow, and she slowed Derpy’s fall somewhat while letting Mare Do Well fall just a little bit faster. The crowd cheered Rarity on. Despite the help of the magic, the fall was still considerable, the mat making a loud crunch as the two landed. “Amazing! Rarity just helped to stop their falls instead of making her escape! I hope those two are okay…”

Derpy was out cold, but Mare Do Well stumbled up to her shaking legs. The effort Rarity had put into stopping Mare’s fall had taken the wind out of her, and she was now panting on the mat several feet away from the cage door. The costumed pony tried to take a step towards the door, but her legs gave out.

“This is incredible, Celestia! They’re both about the same distance from the door, and it looks like they’re both going for it!” Slowly but surely, they were inching along on the ground, closing in on the door. “Wait a minute, sister, I think Mare Do Well is using her wings to gain an advantage!” She had seen the purple fabric flapping slightly, and it became apparent Mare had an edge in speed over Rarity. “She’s breaking the rules! This isn’t right, someone needs to stop her!”

“Who can, Luna? The referee’s been knocked for a loop, and without her, Mare Do Well can get away with it!” Mare was now close enough to touch the door while Rarity was a few feet behind her, but as she went to push the door open, it wouldn’t budge. A purple scaled hand had a firm grip on the door, holding it shut. “It looks like Miss Rarity’s little assistant Spike has a hold on the door and has delayed Mare Do Well’s escape!” Mare was pushing against the door with all her might, but her energy was gone, the fall having done more damage to her than she previously thought.

What she didn’t know was that Rarity was taking advantage of Spike’s little diversion. “Miss Rarity isn’t letting this opportunity by, as she’s started climbing the cage wall!” Mare was perceptive enough to hear Luna’s voice on the speakers, and looked around to see Rarity climbing up. She had a head start, her back legs already on the middle ropes. Mare galvanized herself into action, knowing full well that her identity was at risk. She abandoned the door and started to climb after her opponent, reaching up and trying to grab Rarity’s back hooves. The crowd had been excited through the whole match, but they were now going insane as the two fought their way up to the top. Rarity kicked with her hooves as Mare tried to grasp her, but the distraction allowed Mare to gain ground on her. They were now nearing the top of the cage, Mare Do Well’s head reaching Rarity’s midsection. “Oh, please be careful, you two! That cage is fifteen feet high, and one wrong move could send both of you crashing down to the floor!” Rarity grasped the top of the cage and desperately pulled herself up, Mare doing the same as she caught hold of Rarity’s hoof and held on to it. They were now straddling the top of the cage, trying to gain enough balance to stand. The crowd had descended into incoherent shouting as the two started to trade blows with each other, and Spike was watching from below in terror.

“Careful, Miss Rarity!! You’ve already taken enough damage!” Rarity delivered a particularly forceful blow, stunning Mare just long enough for Rarity to gain her footing and stand on the cage.

“All she has to do now is climb down the other side and she wins!” She went to descend the cage, but Mare struck out, knocking one of Rarity’s hoof out from under her, trapping it in the steel. Mare pulled herself up as Rarity freed her hoof. “They’re both standing at the top! The next move could decide the match!”

Both of them were gasping for breath, and they could barely hear themselves over the crowd. “I must say… Mare Do Well, while this has been… fun, I think it’s time we put an end to this!” With that line, she raised her head up high and brought it crashing down as hard as possible, connecting with a brutal head butt. They immediately rag dolled, and the crowd cried out as if they were the ones who had been on the receiving end. “Oh no, they’re going to fall!”

They wobbled for a moment before tumbling their separate ways as the crowd reached a fever pitch. Miss Rarity fell to the padded floor, Spike trying his best to catch her while Mare Do Well plunged back into the ring. Spike did his best, but he was only so much dragon, trying to catch a full grown pony. He less caught her and more broke her fall as they collided, landing in a tangled heap of pony and dragon limbs. Derpy, who had by this time recovered, caught sight of her fall and called for the bell, sending the already crazed fans into an uproar as Celestia tried to make her voice known over the fans and Miss Rarity’s theme. “With a skull shattering head butt, Miss Rarity has won!! She has beaten Mare Do Well and is the new Intercontinental Champion! With her loss, not only does Mare Do Well lose her title, she also loses her mask!”

The ref had floated out of the cage, grabbed the belt and laid it on Rarity, who had separated herself from Spike and was now lying on the pads. She felt the belt and looked up to Derpy, giving her thanks. “Thank you, my dear. While this belt doesn’t go with my coat now, I’m sure I can spruce it up a little.” She stood up and wrapped the belt around herself, picking up Spike and putting him on her back. “Thank you for trying to catch me, Spikey, but you should know by now that I can take care of myself.” She planted a kiss on his cheek that turned his scales as red as the dress and shoes Rarity was carrying with her magic as she strutted up the ramp, blowing kisses to the fans as she did so. She stopped at the top and turned back to the ring, waiting to see just who her defeated adversary really was.

Mare Do Well had regained her composure, and realizing that she had lost the match flew up to the top of the cage. She was a mare of her word, it seemed, as she reached up with a hoof to her mask. The crowd had gone silent, and Mare had stopped just short of pulling off her mask. She looked in a circle at the crowd, then stared Rarity down as she lifted her hood.

The crowd burst into cheers as the rainbow colored mane flowed forth, the piercing magenta eyes of Rainbow Dash locked with Rarity’s. Celestia could barely contain the excitement in her voice as she called out the revelation. “It’s Rainbow Dash! Mare Do Well has been Rainbow Dash all along!” Rarity had given Rainbow a small smile as she turned tail and retreated backstage. The cyan pegasus kept a static face as she waved to the fans and took flight, disappearing into the darkness of the rafters. “Well, it looks like the secret’s out! Rainbow Dash has been masquerading as Mare Do Well, but now that she’s been exposed, how will it affect her?”

Luna stunned Celestia with her next words. “Honestly, I think it was pretty obvious it was Rainbow Dash. I mean, who else could it have been?” Celestia’ jaw was hanging open. “What?”

Celestia ripped off both her and Luna’s headsets, getting in a hushed word with her. “Luna, you’re committing a cardinal sin, you’re never supposed to break kayfabe! Now get that headset back on and pretend to be amazed!” Luna gave her a sheepish smile as they both retrieved their headsets, Celestia marching right along as if nothing had happened. “And now, it’s the match you’ve all been waiting for! Our final match of the night, and what a doozy it is!”

“Indeed, sister! This will be a triple threat match for the Equestrian Wrestling Federation Championship, and it will be between the defending champion, the self-proclaimed Pony’s Champion Trixie, the Macho Mare Twilight Sparkle, and the Rattlesnake, Applejack!”

“It’s going to be a winner takes all beat down brawl, and we’ve got our final reporter with the Macho Mare right now!”

The titantron lit up, and this time it was a small white unicorn that looked similar to Miss Rarity standing next to a purple pony in extremely outlandish clothing. She was wearing a white fur coat with golden lettering that spelled out Twililicious on the front. The golden frames of her glasses held lens that matched her coat color, and the smug smile on her face made brought the entire outfit together. “I’m with Twilight Sparkle here, and-“

“Hold up, Sweetie Belle, it’s the Macho Mare Twilight Sparkle, you say the whole thing.”

“Oookay, I’m here with the Macho Mare Twilight Sparkle. Twilight, how are you feeling about tonight’s match?”

“Trixie talks tough, but when it comes to actually wrestling, she’s nothing compared to me. It was just an accident that she took the title from me, and I don’t care who you are, a chair shot to the head’s gonna put you down for a three count.”

“Ha, the Pony’s Champion would never be defeated with such a simple move!” The two on screen turned towards the disembodied voice, and as the camera panned to where they were looking a light blue mare wearing a black jacket and shades filled the screen, the EWF title around her neck. “Really, Sparkle, a true champion would have fought through the pain. Luckily, the Pony’s Champion just so happens to be one!” She flashed the belt arrogantly at Twilight.

Twilight walked up to Trixie, looking irritated that her interview had been interrupted. “I’d be more than willing to test that out, you pompous little pushover.”

“And I would like to see you try!” The two were nose to nose, shooting daggers at each other behind their glasses.

Sweetie Belle tried to disarm the powder keg, or at least delay it. “Hey, I think it’s time for your match. Why don’t you tear each other apart out there?” Twilight walked backwards, keeping an eye on Trixie as she reached the walkway that led to the stage, taking her coat off and leaving it at the walkway. “Sure glad I’m not gonna be in that ring.” Sweetie Belle confessed as Trixie waited at the walkway, anxious for the upcoming battle.

“I share your sentiments, those two looked like they were ready to kill each other!” Celesia’s voice cut out, and Twilight’s theme started, a quick paced song that fit the image of Twilight decked out in her outfit on the screen. “And here she comes, the previous Equestrian Wrestling Federation champion, the Macho Mare, Twilight Sparkle!” She waved to her adoring fans, her attention drawn away from the steel chair floating behind her. “Uh oh, watch out, Twilight!”

She turned around just in time to be clocked on the head, sending her glasses flying as she fell to the ground. Her music suddenly cut out as Trixie stood over her, tossing away the chair. “Unbelievable! I’ve seen some underhanded tactics before, but this is just sickening!” Luna could only watch in disgust as Trixie picked up Twilight with her magic and trotted down to the ring, carrying the limp pony with her as a cascade of boos filled the arena. She flung Twililicious roughly onto the mat, walking gracefully up the steps as she shed her jacket, shades and belt, throwing them to the ground. “It appears as if Trixie is going for a quick count!” Trixie covered Twilight, waiting for the ref’s count. When none came, she looked up to find a disapproving Derpy looking down at her with crossed legs.

“You bumbling buffoon, why aren’t you counting!?”

“I haven’t called for the bell yet!”

“Why not!?”

The sound of shattering glass and the strumming of a guitar answered her as the fans broke out into hysterics. The titantron was displaying white lettering on a black background, the words Apple 3:16 hidden behind an apple that had been carved into the shape of a pony’s skull. Trixie got to her hooves and watched in dismay as an orange figure emerged from behind the curtains, somehow eliciting even louder applause from the exhausted audience. “The one thing wrong with Trixie’s plan was that she failed to account for the third contestant, the Equestrian Rattlesnake, Stone Cold Applejack!!” Applejack wore a black jacket much like Trixie’s, but hers was different in that the word Jack was inscribed vertically on each side of the jacket’s front, the same skull apple from the titantron on its back. Her eyes were hidden by the cowboy hat she was wearing, but as she hurled it away, everyone could see devilish enjoyment in her eyes as she trotted back and forth on the stage. She was raising her hoofs, eliciting a huge response from the audience as she did so. Eventually she settled at the middle of the stage and tossed her jacket away, breaking into a full on sprint towards the ring. “Things are about to get interesting!!”

Trixie had backed away from the ropes, but no amount of running would help her stop the pain charging her way. Applejack slid into the ring and hurled herself onto Trixie, coming out on top of the dog pile as she started to rain down blows, the bell ringing as Derpy called for it. “The match has officially begun, and Applejack isn’t wasting any time getting down to business!” The Rattlesnake pulled the Pony’s Champion up to her hooves and threw into the ropes, waiting for her to come back before charging, striking her down with an outstretched leg that caught Trixie’s neck and sent her twisting through the air, much to the fans’ delight. “Applejack just literally sent Trixie for a loop! She’s out and…Oh, what a great move by the Macho Mare!!” Applejack had ignored Twilight, which turned out to be a mistake. As Applejack was busy with Trixie, Twilight had gotten back up and grabbed Stone Cold from behind, throwing herself backwards as Applejack went over her body. She landed hard on her head while Twilight went right on with the offensive, climbing to the top of the nearest turnbuckle. She reached as high into the air as possible and took the plunge, connecting with a huge body splash. Twilight raised Applejack’s leg as Derpy landed, starting the count.

“One…Two...No!” Trixie had rushed up and grabbed Derpy, stopping the count and saving the match. “The Pony’s Champion has resorted to yet another cheap trick, this time saving the match for herself and Stone Cold!” In a flurry of white and black, the referee dislodged herself from Trixie’s grasp and flew back up to safety. Twilight rose up and stared down the pony that had just stopped her from reclaiming her title.

“I am going to snap you in half, you little bucker!” She ran towards her, fully intent on following up on her threat. They locked up in a double hold, each trying to gain the advantage over the other. They were so focused on each other that they didn’t notice the Rattlesnake until she was speeding towards them. In an accidental display of quick teamwork, Applejack was enveloped in both of their magical auras as they floated her up above the ring and tossed her to the outside. “Watch out, Luna!!” The two announcers barely had the time to evacuate their table before Applejack came crashing down on it, the table collapsing with a loud crash that was rivaled by the deafening yelling of the audience. Applejack was out of it, and for all intents and purposes, this match was now down to two.

The two in the ring watched their handiwork for a few seconds before turning their attention back to each other as both unicorns used their magic to grab the other. Each concentrated, and they both began floating upwards, powered by each other’s magic. In a synchronized smashing, they flung each other down to the canvas, the mat barely holding from all the punishment it had been put through. Trixie and Twilight were still on the mat, their chests heaving. Applejack was stirring among the ruins of the announcer table. A mix of cheers and boos echoed through the arena as Trixie was the first to her hooves, however wobbly she was. She stumbled over to the Macho Mare, who had landed in the middle of the ring and positioned her legs, standing over her and staring into the crowd. She ran into the ropes, jumped over Twilight and returned to her after hitting the ropes a second time, going into a spastic display before driving her elbow into Twililicious. “Trixie has connected with the Pony’s Elbow! Will this be the end!?” She pulled her leg up and Derpy landed, beginning the count. Once, twice, and Trixie was suddenly ripped off Twilight by an orange blur that had slid into the ring.

By this time, the Princesses had retrieved their headsets and were now sitting at the remains of their table. “I can’t believe it!! The Rattlesnake is up, and she is mad!” Applejack was wailing on both of them, smacking one around and moving to the other one, never losing any momentum during the process. “She’s opening up a can of whoop flank on them!” Applejack managed to trap the Pony’s Champion on the ground in front of the turnbuckle and went wild, stomping a mudhole in her that would take days to dry. Macho Mare was on the ground, trying to go unnoticed, but nothing would save her from Applejack’s fury. She grabbed Twilight and threw her into the free turnbuckle on Trixie’s side of the ring, stomping on her like she was a cockroach.

Luna gave a laugh as she cried out, “The mudholes have been doubled!”

Applejack walked to the opposite side of the ring, pumping up the crowd as she stood on the ropes and gestured with her legs. She turned back to find one Macho Mare and one Pony’s Champion standing together, having put their differences aside to deal with a particularly nasty Rattlesnake. Applejack simply smiled and charged them.

She ducked underneath their legs, stopped quickly and with tree shattering force, gave them both a bucking. Stunned, they both dropped their heads, allowing Applejack to grab their heads and deliver her finisher to both of them. “DOUBLE STUNNER! SHE HIT THEM BOTH WITH A STUNNER!!!”

The crowd had gone absolutely maniacal as Applejack raised both of her opponent’s legs, Derpy landing and pounding the mat with both of her front legs. “TWO…FOUR…SIX!!! SHE DID IT!!” The bell rung, but no one could hear it, as the cheering from the fans could have caused an earthquake at that point. Applejack threw her opponent’s legs away and jumped to her hooves, her leg raised in victory by the ref. She couldn’t help but rub her victory in her opponent’s faces, adding insult to injury.

“Ah don’ give one buck ‘bout your namby pamby schoolhouse rivalry, but when ya take mah title away from me, Ah’ll buck ya so hard it’ll knock the cutie marks off your candy flanks!” She left them to quiver on the ground as she climbed a turnbuckle, reinvigorating the drained fans into another wave of epic cheers. Derpy gave the title belt to the Equestrian Rattlesnake, who proceeded to raise it up high as the crowd went insane. She placed the belt around her neck and started to call out for cans of cider, which the fans were more than happy to oblige. Cans flew into the ring, Applejack managing to catch two of them.

She pulled the rings off with her teeth and held them up as high as she had with her belt, then smashed them together, sending out a huge mist of cider as she flipped the cans upside down and got as much of the delicious waterfall in her mouth as possible, the rest splashing her mane, coat and title belt. As soon as the cider stopped flowing, she tossed the drained cans away, calling for more. Another wave of cans flooded the arena, and she caught two more, opening them in the same way. Instead of downing them right then and there, she motioned for the referee to come closer. The cross eyed mare looked confused, but curiosity eventually overtook her and she hovered over to the Equestrian Rattlesnake. Applejack handed her one of the open cans, told her what to do, and in another explosion of cider, they smashed the cans together. Applejack downed hers in the same manner as before while Derpy drank hers much more reservedly.

Celestia, who had been dodging incoming cans, managed to close out the show, sitting behind the remains of her table. “What an evening of wrestling, mares and gentlecolts! We’ve had an unknown duo become Tag Team Champions, the laws of physics shattered by the Ultimate Partyer, Miss Rarity became the Intercontinental Champion as she revealed Mare Do Well as Rainbow Dash, and now Stone Cold Applejack is back on top as the Equestrian Wrestling Federation Champion!! As much as I hate to say it, I’m glad tonight is over, because I don’t think my hoarse voice could take any more excitement!”

“Agreed, sister! Even my Royal Canterlot Voice will need a rest, as this night was simply amazing!”

Applejack was still pounding cider with the ref, and as they smashed another round of cans together, Celestia’s voice could barely be heard over the fans.

“Thank you, everypony, for watching, and be sure to tune in next week for the next installment of Monday Night Rawhide!”

Monday Night Rawhide

Written by ObeySaturnGod