Pretty Fly (For a Fluttershy)

by Flint Sparks

Rating: teen
Tags: Fluttershy, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4976

Cloudsdale was a pretty chill place to hang out, until the Mare started pushing their weight around and messin' with the hood. Now it's up to Swaggershy and Dashtag Yolo to blaze it before things turn totally sketch.

Cloudsdale was a pretty chill place to hang out, until the Mare started pushing their weight around and messin' with the hood. With taxes, clothing regulations, and anti-jayflying laws, things are so not cool.

Now it's up to Swaggershy and Dashtag Yolo to blaze it before things turn totally sketch.

If you think this is serious, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 good ideas but this fic ain't one.

Edited by Prak!

The fourth chapter was written in collaboration with IceboxFroggie... You'll see why that's awesome.

If you hate this story just for its appearance, or somewhat offended by "swag," please post this picture so we can both get a laugh out of it.

Published 2014-07-17 19:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-17 19:50:03 UTC

Prologue.

The pegasus teacher paced in front of his chalkboard, staring down the children as he stroked his neckbeard. "Remember, children! You have to suffer the existential prison of your childhood, designed to crush all creativity and individuality, if you want to be a successful and respected member of society!"

"Buck that, I'm gonna be a punk!" Rainbow Dash yelled from the back of the classroom. "And I'm gonna make muh best friend muh hot fillyfriend to prove it!"

Fluttershy squeaked as everyone turned toward her.

"A-are you sure about this?" Fluttershy turned her head to the side, hiding her eyes behind her mane. Even though her wobbly filly legs made her taller than Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Dash had no problem dressing her in clothing she found in her mother's closet from the old days.

"Just... one... more..." Rainbow Dash said through her clenched teeth, tugging on Fluttershy's mane to slip on the necklace. The black BC/AD shirt wasn't an issue, and the glasses took hardly any effort. Man, this chain is a pain!

Rainbow Dash took a step back to admire her handiwork, rubbing her chin and contemplating if one gold chain was enough. "You know, it really works for you. I should put you in chains more often."

"Should I read into that?"

Rainbow Dash rubbed her chin, questioning her sexuality, the universe, and everything at the extremely young age of twelve.

"... Yes."

And then they had a platonic moment because childhood.

"Clouds, clouds, and clouds..." Rainbow Dash muttered as she skipped a cloud rock down the cloud street in the cloud neighborhood. "But it's our clouds! Yeah, this is our territory, yo!"

"But I thought it belonged to Princess Celestia..." Fluttershy raised her head to stare at the stars as her stomach rumbled. "Uh, can we go home yet? It's spaghetti night—"

"Ah, buck that!" Rainbow Dash huffed as she stood up on all fours. She began trotting, leading Fluttershy down the street. "We're gonna, like, find a warehouse to live in!"

"How are we going to pay for food?"

"Easy!" Rainbow Dash threw her head back with a crooked grin. "We'll just charge the local stores for insurance!"

Fluttershy cocked her head. "Insurance from what?"

"US!"

"I don't know..." Fluttershy turned her head to and fro, searching for anypony on the street who might be listening in. "That doesn't sound like a good idea..."

Rainbow Dash stopped, surprising Fluttershy who immediately bumped into her. Rainbow Dash sighed and turned around, looking down upon her friend. "Look, we can do what we want! This is our 'hood now!"

"Oh really?" a deep voice said from behind Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash slowly turned around, her every muscle shaking. A shadow loomed over her as she brought her gaze up to the eyes of a colt three times her size. A colt made of pure muscle and barely bridled rage.

"No..." Fluttershy whispered as her heart skipped a beat. No, Rainbow Dash, you can't... "Not... him."

Rainbow Dash shook her head, dispelling all doubt from her mind with thoughts of awesomeness before staring the colt in the eye. "You got a problem, bub?"

"Yeah, I do." The colt snorted. "I don't take kindly to random little fillies staking a claim on my territory. Now, if you give me all the bits you got, I might be gentle when I break every bone in your body."

Rather than respond with the terror he expected from his victims, Rainbow Dash smirked. "Oh, every bone in my body? I don't think you know who I am. Like I'm soooooo scared of a widdle colt..."

No! Don't do it! Fluttershy gulped, sweating profusely. Anything but that!

"...named Snowflake."

The effect was immediate. Bulk "Roid 'Snowflake' Rage" Biceps merely rested brought his hoof to the side of his head and swung out, clocking Rainbow Dash and tossing her to the side like a ragdoll. She bounced down the street like a doll, eventually rolling onto her side by the door of the local pizzeria. Bulk "Roid 'Snowflake' Rage" Biceps and Fluttershy watched Rainbow Dash groan, out cold, while the latter gulped.

"Heh, so much for loyalty," Bulk "Roid 'Snowflake' Rage" Biceps scoffed, leering at Fluttershy's small frame. "You didn't raise a hoof to protect your so-called leader."

Fluttershy cringed and took a step back as the large colt stepped forward, looming over her.

"You're weak, fragile, and pretty. A trophy fillyfriend for such a useless leader. Why don't you hang out with me? I'll protect you..." Bulk "Roid 'Snowflake' Rage" Biceps lifted a foreleg and flexed, showing off biceps that would make a professional body builder cry in shame.

Fluttershy was not impressed.

In fact, she didn't even notice him flex. Her eyes focused on his cocky grin, the corners of her mouth twitching and twisting into a grimace. Her perception of time accelerated as her heartbeat hammered into overtime, and adrenaline flooded her system.

"And maybe after we do it—What? What are you doing?" Bulk "Roid 'Snowflake' Rage" Biceps screamed as Fluttershy stepped forward, wrapped her hooves around his barrel, and lifted him with hardly any effort. Before he could even twist and struggle, she gave one simple heave and tossed him across the street.

Rainbow Dash awoke to the sound of glass shattering. She picked herself up and raised her head as her vision came into focus.

She blinked. Then, when the impossible thing before her eyes didn't change, she blinked again.

One pale hoof twitched outside the broken window of the pizzeria. The door next to her opened as the shop owner stepped outside. His eyes rested on Fluttershy, and his face immediately turned pale.

Rainbow Dash coughed, drawing his attention to her. "For fifty bits a week, we'll make sure your windows don't keep breakin'."

The shop owner threw a small bag of bits and dashed back inside before Rainbow Dash could even blink.

She turned her attention back to Fluttershy, who was deathly pale and breathing heavily from her exertion. Rainbow Dash fiddled with the bag of bits, contemplating how to reward her greatest asset. She looked up again, admiring what might have been possibly the toughest filly in all of Equestria.

That... is so hot.

Author's Note

Hashtag.

"Welcome to da crib, homie. Now this is where the magic happens!" Dashtag Yolo stopped her tour, turning around to examine the newest member of their group. "You ready to meet all the homies, homie?"

"Tartarus yeah!" the newest member cheered with a high-pitched squeaky voice, making it hard to tell if they were male or female. Usually, this wouldn't have been an issue for Dashtag "McAwesome Sauce" Yolo, but the foal was at least a teenager.

Dashtag Yolo turned around and gave the teenager a perplexed look. "Dude, what is your deal? I don't even know."

The foal shrugged. "I don't know what you mean."

“Ugh,” Dashtag Yolo groaned as she rested her head on her hoof. "Are you a pega-bro or a pega-ho?"

"... I have no idea."

Dashtag Yolo shook her head before finally offering her hoof. "Well, whatev then. Welcome to the 'hood. What's your name again?"

The teenager took her hoof and gave the weakest hoofshake in history. "Justimare Beaver."

As Dashtag Yolo shook with her hoof, she felt the sudden urge to punch the meek teenager in the face. It was as if sheer rage and vengeance for thousands of foals in the future were coursing through her veins like a river. Sadly, she bit her tongue and ignored it, but she resolved to throw a water bottle at what she expected to be a really, really, really bad singer.

The two went on their way touring the warehouse. As they passed by various members participating in their training activities, Dashtag Yolo introduced them.

"The colt lifting the dumbbells is Dumb-Bell. He really likes lifting dumbbells. The one playing basketballs is Hoops, and there's Score." Dashtag pointed to the last member, who was currently talking to an annoyed filly. "Yeah, he doesn't really score... Ever."

"Hey, who's that?" Justimare Beaver pointed her hoof toward the entrance of the warehouse. Dashtag Yolo traced the foreleg's projectory with her eyes, laying her gaze on an adult, armored pegasus walking in.

Her eyes widened as she opened her mouth to scream, "Everypony, get your swag and scram! It's the popo!"

The warehouse reverberated with clanks and other sounds of falling objects as the fillies, colts, and ambiguously-gendered horrible singers with bad haircuts hitched up their bridles and scurried out of the warehouse. The armored pegasus barely had time to register the new events and decided against giving chase.

Dashtag Yolo led the group in flight formation, being the fastest flyer. Dumb-Bell, her left hoof colt, flew next to her.

"Hey, boss. Where's our muscle?"

Dashtag Yolo wracked her brains for an answer. "I think she's doing... a flyby."

"What did I say, squirt?" a loud, large, and obnoxious bully roared as he slammed a smaller colt onto the side of a building. The colt squeaked, struggling as the bully's foreleg pressed against his throat and reduced his oxygen flow. "I said give me your lunch money!"

The colt squeaked something along the lines of, "I'll give you lunch money. Please don't kill me via asphyxiation," but the bully was too stupid to translate the dying screams of a terrified colt. Plus he was rather sadistic for somepony his age, either due to his upbringing or hanging out with the wrong crowd at a young age, but regardless of whatever led him to his dark path, it still meant he was an obnoxious bully. Also, his breath smelled real bad.

"Huh? What is it, punk!" the bully spat onto the colt, splattering him with odorous saliva. The small colt, in his terrified state, let out a single tear that trickled down his cheek. "I oughta... right here and right now!"

The tiniest of breezes arose. The feathers on the bully's wings rustled just enough for him to feel movement in the air. A shiver went through him as his spine coated in ice. He hesitantly turned his head, looking directly behind him.

She sat on a bench across the street, staring at him.

The bully rolled his eyes and returned his attention to the colt he was torturing. Meh, just some stupid filly. He raised his hoof with another snarl. "I hope you like a hoofy sandwich, wimp!"

He moved to swing, but his muscles contracted and froze. Another chill run down his back, forcing him to turn around yet again.

She still sat, having never moved a muscle. She continued to stare, her eyes shielded by sunglasses. The bully's eyes flicked up and down, noticing her attire included a sideways hat, gold chain, and a dark t-shirt.

She doesn't look like a normal filly... The bully gulped, attempted to turn around to continue his beatdown, but could only stare at his victim with an shaking limbs. "Uh... I'm going to hurt you?"

Yet again, he tried to strike the colt and intimidate him further, but the smallest of winds disturbed his feathers. His blood chilled and his teeth chattered as he turned around to face the filly.

She sat there, unmoving and staring. Her wings were now outstretched, still and relaxing on the bench. Sunlight reflected against something hidden in her feathers, something metal, something sharp. As they made eye contact, the filly slowly shook her head before raising her hoof and slashing it across her throat.

The bully, approximately five times the filly's size, immediately wet himself, dashed out of the area, and left his victim behind.

The colt fell to the cloud. He groaned and grasped his throat, sucking in the sweet nectar of oxygen. He tried to lift himself up, using a wing for support, but his strength was sapped. Instead, he opted for an impromptu nap. At least, he would have if it weren't for a butter hoof reaching down. He blinked twice before reaching out and taking it, finally standing with support.

"You okay?" the filly asked as the colt leaned against her. "He was doing an awful number on you..."

The colt nodded, feeling an ache in his wingjoint. "Yeah. I've... been through worse. I'm just some wimp he likes to pick on, like, all the time."

The filly scoffed and bumped her shoulder against him. "Wimp? If you have to endure something like that regularly, then you're a pretty tough pony. Almost as tough as Dash... Hey..." She looked at him and smiled, filling his body with a warm sensation. "M-maybe you should join our group. For protection." She smiled again and flipped her pink mane.

The colt looked down, his face growing red hot as the aroma of flowers and badassery assaulted his senses. "I... I think I just hit puberty."

"Swaggershy!" a voice called from the heavens. The two foals looked up at the gang of foals flying overhead as Dashtag Yolo touched down onto the ground. She ran up to Swaggershy and rested her hooves on either side of her head. "We have a serious situation, yo!"

"What is it, Dashtag Yolo?" Swaggershy said, her burden lessening as Bulk "Swaggershy's Sworn Bodyguard 'Snowflake’ For Life" Biceps picked up the injured colt and rested him on his shoulder. "Did Flower Fluff Foals try to steal from the 'hood again?"

"No, worse." Dashtag Yolo shook her head, causing Swaggershy's heart to sink. "Turns out that Cloudsdale is being occupied by the Mare and her lackies."

"Oh no, not the fuzz..."

"Yep."

"...Gosh darn it to the swag..."

Author's Note

This is where college education has led me.

Yolo.

"Halt, criminal scum!" an armored guard shouted, dramatically pointing at Bulk "Swaggershy's Beacon Of 'Snowflake’ Intimidation" Biceps across the street. "Pull up your pants! Showing off your underwear is indecent and not for polite society!" The guard smirked, having abused his incredibly reasonable authority on the obviously crime-ridden streets of Cloudsdale.

"Man, we're like oppressed, yo!" Dashtag Yolo grumbled as Bulk "Swaggershy's Obedient 'Snowflake' Puppy for The Law" Biceps picked up his pants. "The fuzz is on every street, takin' away all the stuff that made the 'hood chill and stuff. Man, now everything's turning totes sketch!"

Bulk "Swaggershy's 'Snowflake' Slave For Life" Biceps grumbled and fiddled with his smuggled pot. "At least, they didn't take muh pot..."

"Excuse me, mister, but pot is illegal on the streets!" The same guard cackled as he snatched away Bulk "Cries Like A Little 'Snowflake' Filly" Biceps’ cauldron that his witch doctor mother gave him for his fifth birthday so he could too be a zebra someday. He then proceeded to follow procedure and make his way to the town hall, where no doubt Princess "The Mare" Celestia was currently residing.

Swaggershy scrunched her muzzle, debating on their course of action. As leader of the group and territory, it was her responsibility to right the wrongs done to her charges. After much contemplation, she pounded her hoof into her other hoof with a confident stare. "Maybe... maybe we should take the War on Swag to the Mare!"

"You know, I think that's a great idea!" Justimare Beaver nodded, only to get a swift bop to the head by Dashtag Yolo.

"Nobody cares what you think!" Dashtag Yolo snarled. "No respectable thug would be a complete jerk and then use his/her own friend as a scapegoat when they're caught!"

"That was, like, one time..." Justimare Beaver groaned as they rubbed their sore head.

"Alright, this is what we're going to do!" Dashtag Yolo said as she began pacing back and forth in front of her comrades like a drill sergeant in the military, except that's an organized branch of the government, and they were just organized anarchists with hormones fighting against The Mare. "We're going to—"

"One moment, Dashtag Yolo," Swaggershy said as she snatched a can from Dumb-Bell. Using her teenage wings to fly up to the wall of the building they were sitting in front of, she shook the can before getting to work. She popped the lid off and held down the white button thingy with the hole in it, allowing a jetstream of gold liquid to come out. With precision worthy of an artist, Swaggershy committed her first act of anarchy against the Mare. Her very first tag, which said:

YAY

"Whoa, that's pretty fly," Dashtag Yolo whispered as she looked up at the tag. "Boss is pretty, well, boss!"

Swaggershy held up the empty can, pumping her foreleg as the crowd on the clouds cheered for her. Eventually, she floated down and joined an excited Dashtag Yolo, who proceeded to hug her.

Dashtag Yolo gave a quick squeeze before saying, "You know, if we're going to storm the Mare, we're gonna need some good stuff."

"Don't worry. I know a guy," Swaggershy said, giving a short nod. She turned her head as a stranger in a trench coat conveniently walked by. "Excuse me, Jack the Ripoff, do you have the goods?"

"Tartarus yeah, I do!" The mysterious stranger dumped a bunch of tools for the fillies and colts to use for their mission, including lockpicks and flamethrowers and a bubble blower. Every colt and filly armed themselves with appropriate tools for their respective skills, including Justimare Beaver, who got the bubble blower to accentuate his uselessness. Dashtag Yolo thanked her lucky stars that she managed to snatch the mic and hide it in time.

Brandishing their tools, the group rallied around Swaggershy and Dashtag Yolo and waited for their orders. Dashtag, knowing Swaggershy sucked at cheering, led the cheers.

"What do we want?"

"Freedom!"

"When do we want it?"

"Your mom!"

Dashtag Yolo wiped a single tear from her eye. "I-I'm so proud..." She puffed out her chest and brandished her tool once again. "Now, hooligans, we dine in... Uh, where was I going with this?"

"Hell?" Justimare Beaver threw out, trying to be somewhat useful to the group. The group immediately groaned and scooted away from the foal.

"Nah, too spicy." Dashtag Yolo shook her head.

"How about we get ice cream?" Swaggershy suggested with a shrug.

"YEAH!" the entire group shouted, shaking Cloudsdale with the force of their euphoria.

Finally unified, the rebels with two causes stormed down the streets, shouting and waving their tools around. Every civilian rushed inside and boarded up their stores and homes, only leaving cracks so they could peek through. The owner of the bar started a betting pool on who would win between the children and the Mare. Most of the bets went toward Swaggershy.

The children rampaged toward the town hall, destroying market stalls and tipping over carriages in acts of vandalism, anarchy, and some other fancy word the Mare likes to use. Eventually, the children managed to make their way to the steps and columns of the town hall, only for a single unicorn to block their way.

"Thank goodness for this spell," the young filly of a particular shade of lavender—or was it violet?—muttered, quietly thanking her mentor for taking her on a field trip to Cloudsdale. She then lifted her head to face the crowd before her. "Halt! You'll never reach Princess Celestia if I have anything to say about it! She is much too busy to deal with ruffians such as thyselves! Prepare for your doom, fiends!"

"What's a fiend?" Dashtag Yolo leaned over and asked Swaggershy. Swaggershy shrugged and mentioned something her mother lovingly screamed at her father late at night. Dashtag Yolo shook her head and looked up at the unicorn filly. "Oh yeah? You look like some stupid egghead! What you gonna do? Read us to death?"

The filly cringed. "Big talk for an unintelligent facial structure!"

Before Dashtag Yolo could rush forward to give her a whooping, Swaggershy reached forward and held her back. She then stepped forward to face the evil nerd for a duel of epic proportions.

"Oh hey," the filly said, her muscles relaxing as a smile came to her face. "You look somewhat rational. Maybe—"

"Hashtag yolo swag blaze it."

The filly immediately collapsed and began convulsing, muttering with nerdy and spastic gibberish. "T-those aren't real words..."

Before the colts and fillies could march on the town hall, the large doors flung open and the entire Royal Guard flew out and took their formations. Armed with prototype weapons to protect Princess "The Mare" Celestia, the guards took aim at the foals and started firing. The crowd dispersed, taking cover behind the cloud pillars and returning literal fire with their flamethrowers.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" Justimare Beaver panicked beside Swaggershy behind a fallen carriage that was conveniently nearby. Suddenly, Justimare Beaver's face turned grim and serious as if he/she was suddenly hit by a stroke of confidence. "That's it! I'm done being useless!"

Swaggershy tried holding her foreleg out to stop him/her, but Justimare Beaver cocked their bubble blower—a single soap sud flew out—and dived out of cover. Swaggershy watched as Justimare Beaver flew into the air in slow motion to fire a single bubble.

"Fire!"

Every guard aimed their weapon at Justimare Beaver, immediately assaulting his/her body with a hundred water bottles.

Justimare Beaver collapsed onto the ground, twitching, and whispered in pain, "That didn't feel good..."

Silence dominated the battleground as the town hall's door opened once more, and a rather tall mare stepped out.

Princess "The Mare" Celestia put on her sunglasses as she said, "Looks like Justimare Beaver will never say never again."

Author's Note

My parents must be so proud.

Swag.

"I see that you have come far," Princess "The Mare" Celestia said as she strutted down the stairs, signalling her guards to cease fire. "I see you are frustrated. I see you are... powerful." She towered over Swaggershy, who was weeping as she cradled her unconscious friend's body. "Ah, I understand now. The swag is strong with this one."

“Swag?” Swaggershy looked up with tearful eyes.

[Translation: “You are capable of comprehending and speaking our native tongue?”]

Princess “The Mare” Celestia closed her eyes and nodded with a serene smile. “Hashtag yolo swag four-twenty.”

[Translation: “Of course, my dear. It is my duty as princess to understand the hearts and minds of my little ponies in order to rule effectively as a caring and kind leader.”]

The sparkle returned to Swaggershy’s eyes as she finally gave a smile to the last pony she would ever expect to. “Yolo hashtag never say never?”

[Translation: “Ah, I think I understand now. We initially believed you were a maleficent dictator intent on restricting our privileges paradigm. That isn’t the case, is it?”]

The alicorn shook her head, her smile ever so genuine. “Swag.”

[Translation: “No, absolutely not. I would never dream of succumbing to a tyrannical level that parallels the foes I have faced in the past, from dabblers in dark magic to spirits rivaling a god’s power. My guards may be strict, but our rules and guidelines are intended to guide young children to lifestyles that will ensure a long, healthy and happy life. Of course, sometimes even a princess will make a mistake, but I have everypony’s best interests at heart and would love to negotiate with you to ensure that the streets remain safe and my little ponies remain happy.]

Swaggershy cocked her head to the side and rubbed her chin. “Yo wazzup hashtag dawg.”

[Translation: “Then, why did you order the attack on my innocent friend and future horrible popstar, Justimare Beaver?”]

“...Yolo.”

[Translation: “I honestly don’t see why that’s a problem.”]

“Hashtag yolo hashtag swag four-twenty blaze it in da 'hood for muh homiez selfies.”

[Translation: “Touche.”]

Princess “The Mare” Celestia examined the smoking battlefield, noticing the foals and her guards’ high tensions. If even one feather dropped, more violence would follow. “...Swiggity swag.”

[Translation: “Perhaps we should put on a show to ease our ponies’ stress? I will pretend to fall in our battle if you are willing to play along.”]

“Yolo!”

[Translation: “That sounds like an excellent idea!”]

The two ladies of power forced a stare between them, flapped their wings with majestic force, and rose into the air for the crowd to behold. Princess “The Mare” Celestia nodded to one of her guards, who immediately whipped out his DJ gear and started playing an appropriate backbeat to suit the mood.

As the challenger, Celestia took the first spit.

I’m the high authority
Take a lesson in conformity
Sit back and do what you’re told, shorty
‘Cause you’re in the minority

High Authority? I’m Swaggershy
I’m the filly comin’ up with beats on the fly
I’ll drive-by, fly by, beat you dry
Out of all your banana cream pie

I’m about to close this battle like a book
When I hit you with my verbal right hook
Spit rhymes like venom, to the victim’s family, send ‘em
A postcard from the stairway to heaven

I’ll spit rhymes flyin’ so fast
Maybe sic my boy, balls of brass

Oh, the one that cries like a lass?

Say that again and I’ll whoop yo ass!

My flow’s majestic, like a falcon call
Gonna drench you and your crew in some alcohol
Light a match at your feet, watch your little asses fall
As I kick back, relax, and end this brawl

You wanna finish swiftly right off the bat?
I hear all your lovers complain about that
I’ll be sincerely, dearly, and merely cleary
That maybe you should stop finishing early

At least I get some in the sack, that was a wack attack

Honey, you’re getting flack in the sack for being slack

The sex life jokes are starting to get old, so how ‘bout you sit down, shut up, and do as you’re told?

Maybe I should be a little clearer! I’d make another sex joke, but you’re tired of mirrors!

Fine! Let’s do this!
I’d be confused if I let you cruise through this
with nothing but a few bruises
as I peruse my mental warehouse of rhymes,
and when the radio news reports a body found in an alley,
cause of death undetermined,
no one’ll pay attention to it but your crew of nuisances!

Your raps miss the par so far,
I could hit you with the broad side of a car
so hard you’ll be seeing stars until I mar that har-
-let me tell you ‘bout my card,
stab you with a shard so hard like a drunken bard
and leavin’ you in a graveyard!

Who do you think you are? The tsar?
Think again, girl! I’m the superstar!
You’re trash they throw out the back of a freight car!
I’ll choke you, collect your final breath in a jar,
smash it over your best friend’s face like a rock star
at a bazaar after swallowing a metric ton of coal tar!

I don’t know what you’re feeding your brood, but that’s rude so crude I’m going to toss you, dude, like you’re rotten food!
I’m Swaggershy, defender of the weak!
I’ll protect the meek, sleek, and geek to my peak!

You mean the freaks?

Need a tissue? You just gleeked.

Excuse me? You think you can bruise me?
Compared to me, you’re a flea.
You talk pretty tough for someone who once pretended to be a tree!
Speaking of trees, you bark a lot, but you don’t bite!
That’s a terrible way to win a fight!
Your plight is so hopeless.
You came to me in the hopes that you could overthrow this?
You wanna end me? Try harder, you pitiful MC.

Cute talk, aimin’ for the floor.
I’d say more to score five score for points galore,
but too busy visitin’ the ‘Get Pwned’ store
to care for a bore whore door obsessed with gore!

I’m a princess, ruler of the nation of nations!

Sure your subjects love those tiny rations!

The sun rises for my horn’s scorn to mourn!

Whether to mock it or block it, it’s leaving me torn.
WIth your lack of lovers, try some internet porn!

You’re a little filly, an ass easy to beat!

Yet you’re here rapping, oh how sweet!

I don’t think I’m getting quite through!

I figured out how to undo you!

Now bid the world adieu!

At their last shared line of their epic rap battle that would make history, Princess “The Mare” Celestia and Swaggershy flew at each other as their aura of swag compressed and turned them completely gold. They flew at each other and swung a punch with such might, their power exploded with so much swag that even Tirek was disturbed by it.

The dust soon cleared, revealing the two swiggity-swag rappers unconscious on the clouds. Without skipping a beat, Dashtag Yolo dashed to the center and grabbed her friend.

“Wake up! Wake up!” Dashtag Yolo cried, streams flowing down her cheeks like a river as she slapped her friend. Even though her friend was knocked unconscious by lack of magic, she groaned and resurfaced to the land of living.

“Ugh… what happened, Rainbow Dash?” she whispered, turning her head to stare into the eyes of her best friend.

Dashtag Yolo wiped her tears away as she resisted the urge to kiss her. “You were amazing, Swaggershy.”

Saying nothing, she looked away in embarrassment.

Dashtag Yolo cocked her head. “Uh, what’s wrong? What’s wrong, Swaggershy?”

“... Who’s Swaggershy?” she asked, smiling up at her friend with a smile that wasn’t nearly as chill before.

Realizing that her friend was totes sketch now, Dashtag Yolo reared her head up and screamed to the heavens, “NOOOOOO!!!”

Author's Note

Did I mention IceboxFroggie is awesome for rap battling me as Princess "The Mare" Celestia?

Also...

WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!