Pinkie Pie Fanfiction

by isaiahbob

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1646

Pinkie Pie is a psychiatrist.

Pinkie pie is a doctor. Not a doctor of the body, mind you, but a doctor of the mind. Her patients? As weird as they come. (One thinks that her personal relationships are in the direct interest of princess Celestia.) This is the everyday life of a pony psychiatrist.

Published 2014-09-12 16:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-12 16:50:01 UTC

The first of many. Or maybe only one. We'll see.

Pinkie Pie opened her eyes. What awaited her today, she wondered.
She stretched and rolled out of bed, landing perfectly on her hooves.
She grabbed her notepad and her pencil, put them in her saddlebags, and headed downstairs into Sugarcube Corner.
She said nothing as she passed Mr. and Ms. Cake, who still groggily set up shop, and headed out into the morning light.
Fluttershy greeted her at the door.
“God dammit,” Pinkie said.
This was going to be one of those days.
“Hello,” smiled Fluttershy.
Fluttershy had started arriving months ago, but her visits had become more frequent as of late.
Pinkie didn't know what what wrong with the pony. It wasn't her job to know - She didn't want to know. She was assigned two ponies. She had to DEAL with three ponies. And then there was Fluttershy.
Pinkie ignored her yellow company. She looked at her list:

Twilight Sparkle it read.

Looked like Ponyville Library was her first stop.

“Did you get invited to the picknick?” asked Fluttershy on their way to Twilight's home.
The pink pony ignored her. Fluttershy always baffled her. The whole group had always baffled her.

They stopped at the treehouse. Pinkie sighed. Twilight had always been an... interesting case. Pinkie had often questioned why she was allowed to run a public building. It, of course, wasn't her place to ask. Pinkie knocked on the door:
“Twilight!”
Hoofsteps inside. Twilight opened the door.
“Hello Pinkie!” The mare smiled. “What brings you here?”
Pinkie sighed, she put on a cheery face. “Just checking in!”
She found a positive attitude put the patients at ease.
“Oh!” Twilight said, “Well I'm fine!” She laughed nervously.
Pinkie raised her brows.
“I'll busy for a moment though,” Twilight continued to speak.
“Writing letters?” Pinkie's eyes narrowed.
“Uh... No. I'm uh... Teaching Spike how to read!” The frantic unicorn ran up the stairs.
Fluttershy snickered. “I bet.”
Pinkie Pie took a note.
She sighed and followed Twilight up the stairs.
Through the closed bedroom door, she heard this:
“Shut up Spike I'm trying to think. No! That's a stupid idea? I am not a slow pony!”
Pinkie Pie knocked on the door.
“Twilight, open up.”
A pause. “I'm busy!” echoed from inside the room.
“Twilight we've gone over this. You have to take your medication.”
“No! You can't make me!”
Pinkie Pie sighed.
She adressed the unicorn. “Twilight how long have you been off your pills?”
The Purple Pony paused. “10 minutes.”
“Twilight...” Pinkie didn't want to have to do this.
As Pinkie Pie returned downstairs she heard Twilight speak softly.
“Well I don't know if she believed it. SHHHH! Don't be so loud.”
“How's spike doing?” asked Fluttershy.
“Fuck you.” Pinkie searched her bag for the right item.
Pinkie sighed. She turned to her partner. “She's not going to want to take the medication.”
She lifted a bottle fom the bag. “Can you hold her down?”
Fluttershy nodded.
As annoying as the pony was, Pinkie couldn't say Fluttershy hadn't been useful. Force feeding medication to a schitzophrenic was not a one pony job. Schitzophrenia being only one in a long list of Twilight's problems.

As she said, Twilight was an interesting case.

“Swallow!” Fluttershy and the doctor struggled to subdue a writhing unicorn.
“NO!” shouted Twilight. She threw Pinkie at a bookshelf.
Pinkie Pie got up slowly.
“Leave me alone!” screamed the unicorn, spitting out her pill.
Pinkie walked steady to her saddlebag. She withdrew another pill. Medicine clasped firmly in her mouth, she returned to the struggling unicorn.
Pinkie Pie nodded at her yellow helper.
“HEY! IS THAT... NIGHTMARE MOON!” Fluttershy yelled.
“Where!” shouted Twilight. She was freaking out.
A hoof clasped over the patient's mouth and she swallowed.
Soon Fluttershy released her binding grip.
Pinkie adressed her patient: “How are you feeling?”
Twilight nodded slowly. “Spike is.... gone...” She stared at her wall, her head was tilted in confusion.
“Remarkable!” Fluttershy gleefully clapped her hooves.
“How can you be enjoying this?” Pinkie Pie looked at the pegasus and shook her head.
She crossed off Twilight's name on her list.
One more patient.
Next stop: Carosel Boutique.

“Rarity is with Dash.”
“This day just keeps getting better.”
Pinkie didn't understand how Fluttershy knew these kinds of things. Pinkie didn't care. Pinkie Pie wanted to finish her job.
Fluttershy looked her companion.
“Twilight always makes me laugh,” she joyfully admited.
Pinkie smiled and shook her head, “Letters to the princess...”
They shared a laugh.

One day, Pinkie finally asked what the letters were about. What were the important documents she needed to send to Celestia? Freindship, Twilight told her. The God Queen of Equestria wanted to know if Twilight Sparkle was making friends. Pinkie still laughed when she thought about it.
“And where did spike even come from?” Fluttershy asked.
“I don't know!” Pinkie laughed. “Did I ever tell you what 'he' is?”
Fluttershy's eyes widened, “You mean he's not a pony!”
“Get this. He's a baby dragon.”
More revelry.
“And you wonder why I hang around you.” Fluttershy's smile was wider than ever.
“I wonder why you don't quit it, and leave me alone,” Pinkie grumbled.
Fluttershy spoke directly. “You need me.” No smile or hint of joking.
Pinkie thought.
“Let's just get to Carosel Boutique.”
Fluttershy nodded, “Can do!”

Pinkie Pie walked into the fashionista's establishment. She grunted. “God dammit Rarity!”
Rarity looked up from her work. “Oh, helllo Pinkie. Fluttershy. How are you?”
“Fine thanks.” Fluttershy tried to hide her laughter.
Rarity went back to her work: measuring the dimensions of her model.
“Rarity,” Pinkie glared.
“Yes?” sang Rarity distactedly.
“Rarity, I'm taking Dash back to the hospital.”
“Oh, but I'm not finished with her yet darling.”
Pinkie Pie stopped. Twilight was difficult but straitforward. Rarity was a bit more complicated.
In the middle of Carosel Boutique was a hospital bed. Furiosly measuring it's inhabitant was Rarity.

Pinkie pie was familiar with Dash. A former stunt flier made one turn one second too late. Rainbow Dash recieves massive brain injury. It stayed in the ponyville newspapers for days. Rainbow Dash was, and would always be a vegetable.

Pinkie pie put her hand over Rarity's. “Rarity I'm taking her back.”
“Darling you know my fall line is geared towards pegasi. Without a model, how do you excpect me to make any suitable dresses? You see the dilema here, yes Pinkie?” Rarity gave Pinkie Pie a cheery smile.
Pinkie grew serious. “You guys can't keep kidnapping her like this.”
Rarity laughed. “And why not?”
“I won't explain it again.”
“Pinkie Pie.” Rarity talked to her as one would a child. “It's almost cute how you think you know things. Run along now.”

Rarity lay in acrumpled pile on the floor, moaning and clutching at her stomach. Her head rested in a puddle of vomit. Pinkie was a bad doctor. She was not supposed to punch her patients. She thought this as she rolled the hospital bed from Carosel Boutique to Ponyville Hospital. Just outside the Boutique she stopped. She returned to adress Fluttershy.
“Stay here.” she said. “I'm returning Rainbow Dash.”
“Can do!” yelled Fluttershy, cheerily waving her goodbye.
“I will never understand that pony,” Pinkie shook her head.
Pinkie was always baffled at how her patients could roll a hospital bed ridicioulus distances, and not arouse any suspicions. Rarity and Twilight. Whenever they were up to something, Rainbow Dash was likely to be involved. Pinkie had analysed this behavior. Though Twilight was often too far gone for a rational explination, Rarity was fond of using Dash as a model, more acurate than anything fabricated. Egocentrism? Narcissism? Sociopathy? Pinkie had concidered all of them. None of them seemed to fit Rarity just right. Regardless of what it was, it made Pinkie want the punch her in her fucking mouth.

Nurse Redheart thanked Pinkie as she dropped off the comatose pegasus.
“All in a day's work!” Pinkie smiled.
She had suggested numerous times that the hospital hire gaurds to protect Rainbow Dash. They never did. Pinkie Pie always brought her back, and Dash never got hurt, so why should they? No harm no foul? Pinkie learned all this a long time ago. Sometimes she thought of teaching them a lesson, and leave Dash with Rarity overnight. Pinkie couldn't do it. She couldn't be sure what Rarity would do.

Pinkie Pie returned to the boutique to find Fluttershy sitting alone.
“So, she left.” Pinkie asked.
Fluttershy looked up. “She went to the picknick.”
Pinkie sighed. “And you didn't even try to stop her?”
“'Stay here' you said. Direct quote.” Fluttershy smiled.
“God dammit Fluttershy.”
A pause, then the pegasus looked back at the book that sat in her lap.
“What are you reading?” Pinkie asked.
Fluttershy Chuckled. “One of Rarity's crazy fanfictions.”
“My Little Humans: Money Is Power?”
“Haha. Yep.”
Pinkie Pie didn't want to know what shit a mind like Rarity's was writing.
“Are you going to the picknick?” Fluttershy asked the Pink Psyciatrist.
“What?” r u stupid Fluttershy? “Hell No!”
“They always invite you, you know.”
“I know,” Pinkie responded.
“Twilight thinks of you as a friend, and you're one of the only ponies capable of putting up with Rarity.”
The shop was silent as Pinkie pondered this.
“Rarity brought Dash to the picknick.” Pinkie had a hunch.
“Haha yep!” Fluttershy was always so cheerful.
“Because Dash is a friend.”
Fluttershy nodded.
“And you can't,” Pinkie continued, “Not invite a friend to a picknick, right? That would just be rude. Especially if you invite all your other friends, like your doctor, and her other patient and... fucking you.”
“Don't forget Applejack!” Fluttershy's smile never wavered.
Pinkie hoofed her forehead, “OH GOD APPLEJACK'S THERE.”
Fluttershy giggled. She was giddy with anticipation, “What are you going to do?”
Pinkie sighed:
“Restore the peace.”