It was just another Saturday. It was just another lazy day to many. It was a time to relax. That is exactly what an entire community was going to do. They were going to relax to their favorite show. Bronies around the world turned on their Television or booted up their computers. They were ready to see what season 5 had to offer. Season 5 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic was to premiere this fine morning and the stage was set.
Then when the time came, the joyous song played it's wonderful anthem everywhere: ~My Little Pony! My Little Pony! Ahahahah!~ Then like a switch bronies everywhere were stunned as the screens went black. They tried refreshing, checking their connections, turning on and off their devices, and anything else that could bring back their favorite show. Unfortunately all the attempts were in vain. They were confused as to what had happened. Many flooded to pony news websites to see what was happening. They wasn't much information on it except for the obvious.
Suddenly and ad started popping up everywhere on the brony sites. They all advertised a solution. It read:
Want More My Little Pony?
CLICK to enter a world of fantasy!
All your problems will be solved!
Thinking nothing of it, bronies around the world clicked the ad. It was just a simple ad. All it could be was some more content to enjoy right? Maybe they were hosting the premiere? Maybe it had new thing and this was all just a promotion stunt. Alas it was none of those things. It was something very, very bigger.
For every person that clicked the button a puff of smoke shot up and then when it dispersed the brony in front of the computer was no longer there. This started happening every time someone clicked the ad. It managed to happen under the radar without anyone knowing what was going on. Even if two friend were huddled over the same monitor, they both vanished. And soon within 5 minutes the ad was gone. As was every brony on the planet.
It was just another Saturday for Twilight. She was using this peaceful morning to do some extra studies. She was still not used to her new home that sprouted out of the ground, but she was slowly getting used to it. Just as she was finishing up some notes on aerodynamics, here quill snapped.
"Dangit!" She commented to herself, "I guess it was bound to happen..."
She then levitated the broken quill to the trash bin and the opened her drawer. It was empty.
"I really need to start restocking that before it runs completely out.", she huffed,"Well I guess I should go out for a bit anyways... I could really use a hayburger..."
With that thought in mind she headed out.
#1 Tommy Oliver V. Digibro
Weeks had passed since the event had taken place.
It was a nice, peaceful day in Ponyville. I had just gotten out of class and I was drained of energy. All I wanted to do was go to Sugercube Corner get a nice chocolate milkshake and then head straight home for a nap. After walking from my class for a few minutes I arrived at my destination. This wasn't usually a busy day so I was expecting a somewhat empty restaurant. What I was greeted by was a growing crowd and two bickering stallions. Why was this of importance? Why was their a crowd?
They were both unicorns. One had a dark blue coat with a black mane that had white streaks. He also had a distinguishable red tudor cap. The one who sat across him was a pony with a light gray coat and, dare I say, "cute" purple and pink hair. He also had a half-empty pack of cigarettes next to his drink. I then started to remember that they were some local tv critics. Almost everyone hated how they ruined their favorite shows. I personally didn't have much knowledge on them.
The argument that beset them started to develop before my eyes. It didn't really make much sense to me though.
"Look Tom...", said the grey one, "I think we can clearly see who best pony is..."
"Yeah!", said, who I presumed Tom was, "Its obviously Rarity! I'm glad we finally came to an agreement Digi!"
"No...", replied Digi, "Applejack has much better development! She is the dependable one."
"Rarity is best horse she has grown as a character, has ambitions, and is sex... I mean fabulous..."
"Tom how many times do I have to say AJ has that southern flare!"
I was very confused by their statements. Why were they talking about two of the famous element bearers like they were mere characters to be fought over. I looked at the mare behind the counter, Pinkie, and asked, "What are they doing?"
She greeted me with a giggle before saying, "Silly. They are analysis bronies. They're doing what they do best: Arguing!"
"I get that, but I don't get the argument..."
"I know right. Me neither... I am obviously best pony!"
"Wait, wha..?"
"Oooh! Wait up! It looks like something is happening!"
I turned to look and see the two. They were now standing and glaring at each other with death stares. I was even more confused than before. I wondered if they were going to fight, but what happened next surprised me. Both their horns started to glow. Then, in a flash, two microphones were in front of them. Pinkie suddenly turned to me. "Ooh! You seem left out. Here, take these!" she then threw another microphone and a piece of paper at me. I caught them with my magic.
"What are these?", I asked.
"That's a microphone... you speak into it and then the sound waves travel down the cord and into the..."
"I know what it is, but what do you want me to do with it?"
"Yell out what's on the script with a cool voice for announcing!"
"For wha...?"
"You are really slow with this... Look, just do it, and it will all make sense after!"
Out of seemingly nowhere, a really nice beat started playing. I thought to myself. Why would I want or need to do this. Then again, she was supposed to make me a milkshake, so I might as well do as she asked. I then turned to the two and read off the script and into the mic.
BRONY RAP BATTLES OF THE INTERNET!
Tommy Oliver
VS.
Digibro
Hey-hey everyponay
I'm 'bout to put this pone in his place
You view yourself as a literature connoisseur
Cause this story ends with you lyrically skewered
I can Analyze and fine your deeper meaning
Really... you just need a deeper cleaning
When's the last time you took a bath?
Back in Season 3? You do the math...
Your reviews, views seem to never hit your goal
It might be because you're a cynical asshole
You never have anything clever to say
We honestly want you to just go away
A good video by Tom? Now that's unseen
Just cry like Godzilla. Twenty-fourteen
Everything you do just makes me furious
And all you have to say is "Stay Curious"?
What... the... Fuck
Seriously... that rapping sucks
You got famous on nothing but luck
Me? I had to kick and buck
To get to where I am today
Now. I'm here to deliver the pain
Your chance of success is quickly dwindling
Bad news for you, cause it's only the beginning
I write masterful stories, you lay around and droop
I make beautiful art, you stare at anime boobs
Get yourself some self-respect man
You've earned nothing, but lackadaisical fans
I'm here to dissect a real man's show
I'm talkin' 'bout the My Little Pones
If all you want to do is smoke your life away
I'll sit right here and watch you decay.
You're just a bulky tudor capped sap
You got that pedo stache and absurd versed raps
None of us will ever forget, that author surrogate you placed
Put'in you're willie in a filly? That's a disgrace
Please! You wouldn't know a plot
If it hit you like a brick, so stop
You've had your shot
And you failed to hit the spot
Saying you had a chance from the start was generous
You're nothing more than a bitch who's overzealous
WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!
BRONY RAP BATTLES OF THE INTERNET!
#2 PaleoSteno V. Saberspark
Digi and Tom both were sweating after their heating and quite intense rap battle. They both then looked at me.
"Well?" they said in unison, "Who won?"
"Uhhh..." I stammered, "I don't know...", Pinkie suddenly handed me a paper to read off of I assumed. "Um... They haven't decided..."
"Who hasn't", said Tommy.
"I'll explain when the voting is done...", I said, still reading off the paper.
"Whatever you know what Tom it doesn't matter we have our differences, but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends. Lets go do a collab!"
"Yeah!"
Then they both rushed out of the store. I stared hoping that "collab" meant a YouTube project and not... something else. I then realized that there was still a giant crowd surrounding us. They seemed to have lost interest though. Some were starting to leave the store. A loud crash made everyone's head turn though.
I turned to see to ponies, a white pegasus with a bright blue mane and a Navy Blue unicorn with a mixed blue mane, both on the ground. They groaned as they got up.
"Has anyone seen Tom?", the unicorn shouted.
"You just missed him", replied Pinkie.
"Dangit Paleo! This is all your fault! How are we gonna do Brony Breakdown without Tom", accused the pegasus
"My fault? I you hadn't stopped for nachos we would be here on time Saber!"
"Suuuurre... mister bathroom break!"
They then started bickering at each other and I couldn't even understand them. Pinkie then leaned in and whispered to me. "Tom was always the mediator between them. If you think analysis bronies are bad you should see their podcast..."
Then as if by cue they both approached the two, already set-up, mics. Then another piece of paper appeared before me. My stomach rumbled for the lack of milkshake in it. Whatever what do I have to lose? So I read.
BRONY RAP BATTLES OF THE INTERNET!
Saberspark
VS
PaleoSteno
BEGIN
I'm a princess, bitch! You're a geek with glasses
Getting famous by kissing other's asses
Stop. And let me educate you
Your work: it simply stinks, pee-yoo!
I'm making money while you vlog about stuff
I got a job while you complain your life's rough
I'll make you cry without a sound
This is gonna be a real Brony Breakdown
I just destroyed in only 2 stanzas
In my free time- I MURDER PANDAS!!!
Is that the best you got for me Saber?
Cause you just sparked an anger that won't end in your favor
Everypone knows you goofy buffoon
Just like they know that your gonna lose
You lost their respect when you rolled on the floor
Your nothing more than a sore whore boar, bore
You may have told a pretty good ballad
But that's invalid, if you can't stomach a salad
That's a little harsh for you there, kid?
You're still trying to make it on Youtube, I already did!
You are a silly little runt with no purpose
About as meaningful as a flank ridden porpoise
Insulting a cutie mark is low to be frank
Especially when your own flank is blank
You say you're so good when dealing with haters
How? If you can't stop stuffing your face with taters?
More fat jokes? You're a one trick pony.
Any fame you've gained is all phony!
The truth is I'm the genious behind the scenes
I'm the true lord of the world of bronies!
WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!
BRONY RAP BATTLES OF THE INTERNET!
