Satire Chronicles: A Rock and his Pet Pony
Let there be mistakes. There will be many. All for good purpose.
Satire Chronicles: A Rock and His Pet Pony
For The Better
Sun was shinin'. Things were all pretty and stuff. It almost looked like the beginning of every family sitcom episode except the ones getting along are the animals and stuff. Stuff because some aren't really animals. What makes one an animal? Eukaryote cells that, in multitude, have the capability to create an organism, breathing life? Some, actually, beg to differ. That including Tom.
Tom is a rock. Not just any rock, he is a boulder. Pick your jaw out of the floor, there is still a tale that needs to be told that has yet not happened. How am I telling you this then? Well what came first, the Scootaloo or the wings? Anyways, Tom is a boulder. In his shortcoming, he had been but a simply bottom layer to the beginnings of his mother mountain. He very well disliked that. Imagine how it would feel living with your mother-in-law for more than thousands of years. Not just living with her, but stuck to her, in all sense of the word, except that of perversion, Tom wouldn't dare to even think such a thought. Immortality can be nice at times, but a curse is a curse nonetheless. I mean, whose bright idea was it to infuse life into a rock? Tom had to admit it though, he was one damned handsome rock.
I mean, he had mares declare their undying love for him. One of them even thought he was so good-looking, in fact, that she believed he was a Diamond. That was an insult on the highest degrees(*). Those uncouth and rough things look like they had been plastered into the ground, beaten up, and compacted into a little ugly rock that shined. Shined? Who the hell wants to shine? Getting called Edward all the time can ruin your entire day, and that is on a daily basis, poor bastards. He was only glad to be himself, an eternity of being beautiful was not all that bad.
Tom had it all. The robust, hard features of a smooth and deepish grey outer layer. His edges were clear cut by the very mare that threw herself on him. She could not have done a finer job, she was a god amongst ponies in making attire.Gods were almost worthy of his presence, but the mastery in the suit she had made him was incomprehensible. Seriously, no one even regarded his nice, smooth and rounded suit.
He had the looks, the girls, the class. Just because he was a rock didn't mean he had to be a rock, he wore his trusty top hat and monocle at all times. The mare had taken him out of the mountain and he was grateful for that, but he had lost the two parts of him that separated him from the other rocks when she did.
Tom was no ordinary rock. He, unlike every other rock but himself, didn't dare submit into the idiocy of the very ideal that rocks had no intellect. Whoever believed such a thing was, in most cases, mentally deficient or just ignorant. A rebel to the extremely limited meta that all rocks should be lifeless, well this rock was teeming with life, more so than you could possibly begin to think of what life is. He'd asked earlier what makes an animal an animal. Now he asks, what makes life living?
That reminded him, he still needed to get his top hat and monocle back. Three clicks of the boots and swoosh. Tom propelled into the air in the direction towards Canterlot.
Bloomberg took in sunlight like he did every afternoon, but today, he would be visited by none other than Mr. Tom. Bloomberg, being the classy fellow he is, wouldn't be surprised that Tom and him are almost like friends. Though it had been a while since he had seen Timothy, the first and last time being when he had been swept off his feet by the currents of the air when he was just a lad. A lovely maiden that only ended up breaking his heart multiple times, as she comes and goes, but that is a tale for another time. He had only stayed a second or two with Tom then, and a mutual friendship was made just as fast. Bloomberg thought none of that as today he so believed it to be as any other.
Bloomberg had surprised many of the mares that used to take care of him, like the orange one that so believed she owned him. He did not like to be deprived into ownership, but she was kind and he did his best to keep her happy, that is, being the migrating tree that he is. He had been sent to an almost barren wasteland of hard rocks and little soil to feast on, naturally, getting rid of her finally gave him the opportunity to leave. It might have not been nice for the Appleoosians with his sudden departure, but being an apple bearing migrating tree that couldn't do just that was hard enough.
He had moved back into Ponyville. Not back into the Orchard though, only far away enough to not be spotted. It was generally peaceful there. The only disturbances where some mass hysteria from the town's ponies now and again. Bloomberg didn't so much despised them. He held the same feelings as Tom did. The only difference between him and Tom though was that Tom was a classy womanizer for the mares. Bloomberg never understood Tom's strange fetish, but he was not to deny it either. He wasn't particularly keen in women, nor was he in anything to do with romance so he couldn't say much for the subject, but he did enjoy the kindness that came from the orange pony. That was partially the reason he had gone back to Ponyville. He would have to leave in a few weeks. Till then, might as well enjoy the sunsets.
Tom landed with a thud next to the maze next to mountain and next to the Princess' castle, that he once used to be in. He rolled into the maze and back to the spot he had been carved out of. Tom didn't want to be spotted, he was in no mood, nor was he ever in any sort of mood to talk to anyone here. Talking to his mother-in-law and the other guys here was like talking to rocks. He spotted his top hat and monocle and quickly took them. He rolled silently back to end of the maze, trying his best to avoid anything.
"Timothy? Is that you?" An irritating voice caught him in mid stroll. Well damn.
Tom tried switching his voice. "No madam, I am uh... Steve, on behalf of the church, I've come to ask a tad bit of your time." He tried to keep his distinctive formality under control, yet his accent and words escaped him a bit.
"Oh, its one of you. I thought I told you people to stay away. I'm trying to see Operock."
Tom could have done well and just rolled away, could have taken the smart way out but just as it happens, all that is living is all that has faults. Strange how Tom saw himself as one of the smartest beings on the face of the bright pastel colored world and yet he was still able to do such idiotic mistakes. He didn't beat himself up for his mistakes though, he just disregarded it as the mistake of the other rock.
"Then I bid you a good day madam." He didn't say the words, because quite frankly, rocks don't speak. They communicate through other means. I have no idea how. Lets just sprinkle Twilight's words that say "Magic happens only when you want it to happen." and say that, "Well since Tom and Bloomberg are alive already, then speaking is what they want it to happen but to certain things." And say its magic and call it a day. Although that would make too much sense.
"Wait a minute... Tom, it is you. What are you doing back here so late? Do you know how long you've been gone?" That voice. Dear Celestia it was annoying. So very annoying.
"I was... in the restroom." Figuring that rocks don't even have to go the restroom to begin with, he expected to get caught.
"Oh. Well you should have told me. A few more months and I would have called the guards to go and find you."
"I promise I'll come back sooner, right now I need to get going. I got a uh... thing in a place."
"Be back soon dearie." Somehow, Tom had expected not to get caught. It didn't surprise him so.
He was glad to leave. He clicked his boots three times and one of the wrestler pebbles rolled his way, tapping on his side only slightly and making fly into the air and back to Ponyville. He could see Bloomberg now.
Tom thought himself a meteor when he landed near Bloomberg and leaving a crater in his wake. "Good to be the king." He mumbled under his breath. He rolled over towards the Apple tree-looking migrating tree before him. Bloomberg was at his spiffiest. Although Tom was rather confused. Bloomberg had cat-like reflexes, why was he just standing there? Wasn't he excited to his old friend again?
"Mhm." He coughed to get his attention. None. He coughed again. Nothing still. He rolled and bumped against Bloomberg finally catching hold of his attention.
"Is it you Timothy? Nice to see you again mate! Hold up, sorry I didn't notice you earlier, I was on my Blueleaf."
"Call me Tom." Tom was in no mood for this. "Make it quick then."
Bloomberg did just that, he folded his Blueleaf and finally turned towards Tom. "Sorry bout that mate. Seems that the stocks I've placed have gone up in price and are being sold like madmen. Wonderful investment if you ask me. I didn't expect you here and now"
"No need to be sorry dear old friend. It is quite alright. After all you had not expected my presence here today." Tom tipped his top hat and allocated his monocle back in place.
"What purpose thou bring thee to me."
"Tis' but a friendly greeting old friend. A bird spoke to me one fine evening as I drank my cup of tea and told me that you had dropped by. I wanted to take the chance to come and greet you myself before you would have to depart again."
"No better time. Intriguing, but quite disturbing. I would accuse you of murder and carnivorous but you aren't a tree and I could careless for my fellow brethren."
"That is why you and I are something special are we not? Anyways, all of the ponies from Ponyville have got to Canterlot for a wedding. Great silence isn't it?"
As they had spent their time conversing about life's pleasantries and other philosophical points of view concerning that of life and death and nothingness, how long the size of a rock's beard should be if they could grow one, and ultimately the meaning of life. The day grew darker as the sun began to close over the horizon.
Winona threw herself to the ground into a nearby brush, making the least noise possible. She had been tracking this target all day. Fast one it was. It had gotten away multiple times, mostly because Winona was afraid to say anything that would cause her to run away and ended up blurting continuous nonsense. Which is what happened many times over already. She gazed at the spectacle before her.
A white tail swayed side to side, a blue collar around fluffy whiteness of fur. A purple bow decorated the figure's head at the top end. It was none other than the magnificent Opalescence. Winona had been, since she had first laid eyes on her, trying to talk to her. Although that had proven a difficult task. She only wanted to be friends. And perhaps, even more.
All she wanted as of late was a chance. A chance to talk to her. Winona didn't know why, Opal was rude, stuffy, and stuck up. Yet there was an undeniable charm to her, one she could not get past and made her chase Opal just for a start, a start to something she could only hope for.
Winona carefully made her way into the next bush and into the next, trying to be as stealthy as she could getting closer to Opal who was still licking her fur from dirt from the previous chase, oblivious to her presence. Winona didn't fully understood her own feelings yet, but something arose in her, something that made her pounce like a lion on this poor little kitty. It could have been the fur liking, or the tail wagging, or just her in general, but Winona couldn't resist it anymore.
She leaped into the air and right beside her, making Opal jump in a scare, her hair prickling up in a fury. Opal was not in a good mood for any of this, she never was. Opal had never given her the chance to talk before running away. It was strange to see her still put, ready to attack.
"I just want to talk to you." Winona pleaded.
"You've been chasing me ALL DAY! What the hell do you want?!" Opal replied in the same fit of rage as the one her hair had spun into.
Was this finally Winona's chance? This was all too sudden for her, the first time Opal would finally be able to hear what she wants to say. What was she to say? She had to be careful. A fit of nerves began to bombard Winona, almost making her flinch.
"You have a real bounce to you your plot." Winona blurted out in the heap of nerves that began accumulating on top of her.
She'd done it... She screwed it all up. So much for being able to start something new. Opal wouldn't ever accept her now. She began to self loath in pity and wallow from how much she so believed that she was clumsy, stupid and just plain idiotic. How could a classy lady like Opal ever take in such an animal like her? Winona closed her eyes in shame. She just wanted to run away from there but was too afraid to do so.
Suddenly, she felt a gently slap with a long fluffy tail on the side of her cheek. Winona opened her eyes to see Opal still standing there, her hair tamed as the very thing they are.
"That's all you wanted to say? Why didn't you ever tell me before instead of barking and yelling at me?"
"I was too afraid... I didn't know what you would think of me, and you are probably disgusted at me right now. I don't even know my own feelings, I am not even sure why I'm pouring out my heart like this. I'm sorry Opal, I just wanted to-"
Winona was cut off. She felt a fluffy tail wrap around her own. It was soft and warm. Winona didn't understand. Opal had the strangest expression, not of fury or anger. One of deviousness almost.
"It's fine. At least now I know." She said sensually.
Her voice... it was as smooth as the very silk that her master always tends to. Her fur as soft as plush clouds. Opal got so close to her, their noses were practically touching. Surely, this could only be a dream.
Angel was a bunny, also very smug. Smugger than smug. He hated everything and anyone. All but one simple pathetic pony, only reason being however because she was his gateway. She did what he asked, and that was enough. He hated the bossing around, but if it was to keep him near her, at least faint a scare. Angel wasn't always so smug. He used to be nice, and that time existed before and a bit after he had met the yellow one. Things changed however.
She was gone for the day, told him to take care of the animals. They can take care of themselves, after all, the yellow one's stare works on them since they are brainless. Angel knew better than to fear the stare, she looked more cute than evil.
Angel had no moralities. Moralities where for the faithful and foolish. He only had faith for himself, a self confidence of an ultimate ego.
Angel hated everyone and anyone, but he hated one animal more than anything else in Equestria. It was that goddamned tortoise. They call him Tank. He is always trying to ruin his fun by doing the right thing whenever they go into a pet play-date with the yellow one and the other colored ones. Angel always tries to mess with the other animals but Tank has to be the actual angel all the time. Angel hated his guts. Knifes don't seem to be able to pierce his shell and hammers chip off until there is nothing left. That turtle was something else... Angel knew well that that damnable tortoise was no ordinary animal. Speaking of the angel, he it comes, the green shell of a silent pathetic tortoise.
"What do you think you are doing here?" Angel said it like if he was spitting venom.
Tank walked slowly, approaching Angel more and more. He did not say a word, nor did he make an expression, he just kept walking forward.
"I said, what in the hell are you doing over here?" He called out to the tortoise that was now just five feet away.
"Howdy neighbor. Nice carrot you have there." The tortoise said casually, then, faster than the speed of light (Not really, because if you go faster than the speed of light, an object becomes energy, so that is theoretically impossible. Lets just say it was magic.) he took with his head the carrot that Angel had in his little paws, sinking the rest of his body into his shell and protecting himself and the carrot.
Angel twitched. The kind of twitching that only came from a demonized possessed being from the most unholiest of realms that could possible exist in any living mind. So who was to say he wasn't? Was that his last straw to go completely insane and destroy everything in his path, kill anything he finds, and accidently put his (bleep) in the cat whenever he finds one? Oh it was.
From the most horrifying and diabolic of stories, that which was once a small white bunny by the name of Angel began to transform. Not like a transformers transformation. No, this was fur falling off, the delicate pink skin beginning to burn and cut randomly, bubbles appearing and popping in bloody explosions. This was unlike anything that could ever exist in the pastel colored realm that was the ponyverse.
An enormous beast, about the size of that of three times of Fluttershy's home appeared. It let out one shrill roar and picked up his foot. He let it down on the green turtle with one giant slam. The earth below exploded into dust and from the impact, earth began to split and break in a radius until it finally stopped. It was as if a massive earthquake had been concentrated in one spot for the ultimate demise of anything in it.
The entire sky blew up into a white light. The demonic creature in a shape of a bunny (which by now looked nothing like a bunny) flinched back at the sudden power that was beginning to form. When the light vanished, there stood another giant being. One that closely resembled a tortoise. Except this was a holy and benevolent being. One that radiated an aura of prosperity, peace, and love while what once was previously angel was radiated an aura of death, plague, and suffering.
The benevolent figure roared out a majestic roar. The malevolent figure screeched a terrifying squeal. They stood, ready for what would be one of the most epic fights of all time.
Winona was now pinned onto the ground by the small and delicate paws of a white kitty-cat. Her face told many things, thing that Winona had never seen from such Opal before. She was so close to her that she could feel the heat of her body now. It was almost comforting.
A breeze that shortly followed a distant roar shook the trees and grass that surrounded the two in their privacy. Winona was too nervous to want to know what was going to happen between them too. Opal's expressions both scared her and pleased her at the same time.
"Did you hear that? What could it have been?" Winona tried swaying the whole situation right then and there. She didn't believe she was ready.
"I'm sure it was nothing. Now, where were we?" Well that had failed...
She felt a warm wet tongue pass over her neck fur and Winona closed her eyes, trying to control her nerves that began to arise in her. Surely, this must be a dream. Sure didn't feel like it...
Bloomberg flinched. He could feel the tremors of the earth. It was unnatural, and Bloomberg didn't know well what it could be.
"Is something the problem?" Tom asked as he noticed Bloomberg's sudden lack of attention as he had been speaking. It was unlike Bloomberg to be like this.
"Something horrible is happening." His voice was cold and fearful.
"What is it? Come on, your scaring me her-" Tom didn't have to speak to understand now what was beginning to happen. Nothing could prepare anyone or anything for such a thing, not even the wisest of all rocks, or the handsomest.
