Chapter 1: Because sweg
You wake up, roll off of your R63 Michael Rosen body pillow. When you stand up your feet burn with a throbbing intolerable pain, you look down and notice that you where standing in your lego bin. Without any forethought you jump out the bin, and slam into the wall, breaking the shelf that holds your prized fedora collection, most of your hats (which are actually trilbies not fedoras) are blown out the window by a sudden gust of wind.
Swearing profusely you go to your computer desk to do your daily internet routine. You start on tumblr, where you blame everything bad on the Government and those fucking Christians, in reality you only hang with the SJW crowd because images of FEMEN protest are second only to your R34 library in terms of hawtness. Next you go on 4chan to green text about how you want to cut up your dad, how you are friend-zoned to infinity, and if Internet dating doesn’t work you’ll be the next Amada Todd. Final stop, Fimfiction, to complain about the lack of thread notifications.
You have a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast, and reading your newspaper, the ever-biased Equestria Daily (which devoted it’s entire cover to Charlemagne’s new election campaign). Once done you head out side…
And are greeted by the sight of your Jewish nudist neighbor who was watering his lawn in nothing but a Kippah and a bagel (guess where he was wearing that).
You drive to work, Ahmed’s Pizzeria, punch in, and take your place at the cash register. Your first customer arrives, and orders, “Hello, I would like a parrot pizza.”
Your eyes narrow as you realize what he is really after, “Is that a medium or a small?” You ask.
“Small, with extra anchovies.” He answers. You go back into the kitchen, put an AKS-74u and 4 full magazines into a pizza box.
“Have a nice day.” You say as you pass the man the pizza box. (Who would have guessed that little Pizzeria was a front for Hezbollah?)
Work was over, and it was time for the blind date that dating website had set up for you. You drove down to the Ponyville public library, and sat on the front bench. After a few minutes a rainbow maned Pegasus sat down beside you. Rather then doing the stupid clichéd thing to do and wait to see if she leaves, you ask her, “Hey are you here from an internet dating site?”
She looks you over, “Yeah, you’ll do.” she said.
“Ok, then, let’s head back to my place.” You say, confident that you’re finally going to get laid just like in all those 2nd person fics you read on fimfiction.
You got into the car (without opening the door for your date), and where super stoked to get to meet your waifu IRL. “So listen, I lied on my profile for that dating site.” Now that you think about it, the fact that she put choking on cock as a hobby, was pretty strange.
“Oh really? Why would you do that?” You inquire.
“Well, I have always had good luck with who I date,” she began, “and I want to at least have one absolutely terrible one. So I can tell my kids.” Well that hurt your pride.
“Ok, suck my dick.” You reply.
“What?!”
“You want a bad date? It starts now!”
“We’re in a moving vehical!”
“Don’t work I saw this on Cranked. Now lean over and suck my cock!”
She scoffed, then did as told. She in did your zipper, and since you had gone commando today, saw your member. “Yeah… that needs to be about 20% bigger…”
“Just fucking suck it!” You shriek (fucking voice crack!).
You feel her breath on your rod, and the moment she closes her mouth…
You cum so hard that you blow out the back of her head. No literally. Her limp body is on your lap, there’s blood, seed, and grey matter all over, you have let go of the wheel, and proceed to scream like a little girl until the car crashes into the telephone pole in front of your house. The airbag’s release slams her jaw shut, giving you an impromptu circumcision.
You stagger out of the car. “Well I doubt any date can go worse then that.” You mumble to yourself.
Then you smell burnt toast.
WHAT DO YOU DO?!
a) It’s a stroke! Better call 911!
b) Something in the engine must be burning! Better get away from the car!
c) My neighbor probably just burnt his bagel…