Attack on Sailor Death Ball Z: Bebop Alchemist High School

by Flint Sparks

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Random, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 4039

d

One rainy afternoon, Fluttershy invites Rainbow Dash to explore her anime collection. Unfortunately, it gives Rainbow Dash horrible ideas involving a Sonic Rainboom and the magic of friendship…

Meanwhile in another universe, Ian and Anthony are about to watch the new MLP anime…

…This does not end well.

If you want to see a specific anime or genre portrayed/parodied, feel free to leave a suggestion!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-21 14:20:10 UTC

Why

“Oh no, Prince Sombra’s magic is sapping my lifeforce!”

“Rainbow Dash! I know the American censors would never allow it, but I was always in lesbians with you!”

“Oh, Twilight, my love… go on and sell merchandise without me…”

“This is so… stupid!” Ian waved his hand toward the television as he and Anthony sat on their signature couch, watching their new show. “Her talent is in magic, and she’s wasting her time confessing her love to her dying friend instead of saving her? And what’s with magical talking horses powered by the ‘magic of friendship?’ Yeah, real realistic.”

“Well…” Anthony said, tilting his head and giving Ian a curt look. “Imagine how stupid it’d be if My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic The Anime Imported From Japan Now With More Fanservice The Movie™ was actually realistic.”

Ian and Anthony sat on the couch, still and waiting for… something to happen. After a few more seconds, they exchanged panicked looks.

“What? W-where’s the black transition screen?” Anthony said, trying his best not to hyperventilate. “Where’s the title card?”

“Where’s the really catchy tune?” Ian screamed, and then proceeded to bite his fingernails.

“No…” Anthony looked down at his lap. “I don’t remember our first title card and you telling me to shut up… This can only mean one thing.”

“No… WE’RE IN A FANFICTION!” Ian screamed like a little girl, flapping his hands about and running in circles in front of the couch. “I don’t want to be a little girl again!”

“I don’t want to not be able to sit down for a week!” Anthony screamed as he clutched both cheeks firmly with his hands. After a moment, his hands slacked and he shrugged. “Well… might as well get it over with.”

Ian slowly came to a stop as he came to a realization. He threw a look at Anthony and said, “Wait a minute, I’m not having any contrived homosexual feelings for you!”

The television set began flickering, drawing their attention to the flashing colors. Onscreen, the six ponies were on the ground with the villain towering over them, gloating. Their golden jewelry were on the ground, cast away from them. Ian stepped forward and poked the television screen, causing it to ripple like a dimensional ripple in space-time.

“My god…” Anthony said as he felt suddenly dramatic, complete with rising dramatic background music. “Comedic overtone, contrived plot coincidence, and implied homosexuality…”

“We’re in one of his fanfictions,” Ian finished, deciding he would later blame his pant’s condition on the rain.

“No…” Anthony shook his head, trying to shake away the dark thoughts. “Anything but that!”

“Yeah!” Ian threw his arms to the side. “I wish we could’ve gotten someone better, like Deluxe—”

“Hey now,” Anthony said as he covered Ian with his large, girly hands. “We can’t break the fourth wall too much, remember?”

Ian threw away his hand and spat. “Ew, gross… And what are they going to do? Censor me? It’s not like bleep is going to bleep.” Ian’s eyes widened as a black bar appeared over his mouth. “Oh bleeping mother of bleep’s bleep bleep!”

Anthony barely managed to stifle a laugh. “Maybe later, I’m gonna ‘bleep’ your mom!”

“Come on man, why do you have to—”

“Help…” came a voice from the television. Ian and Anthony ceased their childish banter and knelt at the television screen, which was filled with the image of a pink pony. “Sombra… too strong. Please… help us. Blegh!” She then stuck out her tongue and went cross-eyed.

“Oh my sweet pony on a licorice lollipop!” Ian cried as he grabbed Anthony’s shoulders. “A hot girl needs our help! We have to save her!”

Anthony snickered and covered his smile. “Hot? You think PInkie Pie is hot? Rarity is obviously the hot one.”

“I DON’T CARE. LET’S GET LAID OKAY?” Ian screamed.

“Fine, fine, whatever.” Anthony sighed and flipped his majestic emo hair. It was a miracle the six mares were unconscious, otherwise their ovaries would have exploded. “Let’s do this. But how are we going to fight Sombra?”

“Well duh!” Ian rolled his head as he brought up his fist, now inscribed with a triforce tattoo. “The magic of friendship!”

“Oh yeah!” Anthony smacked his forehead. “Broforce!”

The two best friends forever bumped their fists together while simultaneously screaming, “Broforce friendship activate!”

“Element of…” Anthony screamed as he was surrounded by a red shroud of pure energy. “Nachos!”

“Element of…” Ian screamed as he tried to hold in a fart as he was surrounded by a pink cloud of chi. “Pink frosted sprinkled doughnut!”

Anime bubbles of nachos and pink frosted sprinkled doughnuts swirled around the two manchilds. The two grunted and groaned.  They tried not to poop their pants as their power levels increased. Magic cascaded from the ceiling, changing their clothes into ninja outfits with their Elements of Broforce secured on golden chains.

“Whoa…” Ian fondled with the ninja facemask over his eyes. “I’m like some kind of teenage mutant ninja child…. But why do I have to be Michelangelo? He sucks!” He then looked down at his orange uniform. “Oh, great. I have to be Krillin too.”

Anthony was too busy fondling his man breasts to care. “Awesome! I got Kitana’s costume… and her bewbs! And pink!”

Ian nodded, admiring Anthony’s costume color scheme. “Very nice. Real men wear pink.”

“Yeah, and you’re not,” Ian’s mom snapped, poking her head around the corner. She then turned around and headed to her room. “... Pussies.”

Ian and Anthony stared for a brief moment before shaking their heads. They then turned to the flickering television screen and shouted, “Go-Go Broforce save the day!”

The world around them distorted as their molecules broke apart and flew into the television in a rainbow of light, kinda like the Power Rangers except instead of one color per ranger, they were all seven colors of the rainbow which is kinda weird because the Elements of Harmony make a rainbow, yet there’s only six of them, but now there’s a seventh and eighth Element, so what’s the eighth color of the rainbow? Smosh: one; Physicists: zero.

Eventually, they resembled in the world—specifically in the Canterlot castle—of anime where the girls were collapsed. Sombra flinched when they appeared in a burst of light, before breaking into an evil laughter.

“Muahaha!” Sombra evilly laughed as he twirled his evil mustache… evilly. “New heroes for me to crush in my quest! Maybe I shall send my minions after you instead of coming after you myself so you can discover new abilities that’ll ultimately end in my downfall!” Sombra blinked a few times before looking down at his hoof, double-checking the script. He then raised his gaze and cleared his throat. “Er, I mean prepare for your doom, heroes!”

“Don’t worry, Anthony! I got this!” Ian screamed as he crouched down and finally released his fart. The expulsion of methane gas reacted with his magical aura, causing a new cyclone of chi to swirl around him in a storm. He then brought his two hands together and put them to his side as he gathered pure energy. “KAME… HAME… HA!”

He released the energy outward, creating a huge beam of energy which obliterated the general direction he forced it in. As the castle’s smoke cleared, it revealed an entire trail of destroyed wreckage.

And an untouched Sombra.

“Muahaha! You really think such a juvenile technique can defeat me?” Sombra raised his hoof as he conjured a fireball for his Smosh-kebab.

“Dude, I got this,” Anthony said as he whipped out his pistol from his belt, cocked it, aimed it, and shot Sombra right in the head. Sombra instantly fell dead, soon forming a pool of blood.

Ian slowly turned to Anthony. “... That was so… AWESOME!”

“I know, right?” Anthony said as he highfived his bro for life. “We’re in an anime and we didn’t even die in the first five minutes like last time!”

“Yeah…” Ian eyes flicked back to the fallen girls. “Maybe we should help those girls…”

The two walked up to the unconscious ponies and started dragging them onto each other, forming a convenient pile. They rubbed their chins and examined the horses, watching as they eventually stirred from their panicked slumber.

“Thank you, Smoshy heroes!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing circles around the pair the other five barely got to their hooves.

“All in a day’s work, madame!” Anthony put his hands on his hips and stared back at Ian, giving him an equally abnormally large smile. They then brought their fists together to use the Broforce to get home, and the six ponies used the Element of Harmony as well.

“Wait a minute, what’s happening?” Ian screamed like a little girl with the Broforce’s power beginning to fluctuate in his fist.

“No!” Anthony started tearing up something dawned on him. He gave a weak tug against his fist, but it was pointless. “Our Broforce of Friendship is reacting with the Elements of Harmony! There’s too much friendship, and it’s overloading! Damn you, contrived plot devices!”

“Girls!” Twilight Sparkle screamed as their jewelry refused to come off, their magic distorting reality. “Get close! We don’t want to get separated!”

Anthony and Ian hugged each other and screamed, “I love you, bro!”

Ian sniffed as he looked at his best friend. “Whatever happens man, I love you. Even if we are about to explode—”

…

…

…

Anthony turned his head to and fro with a nonplussed frown before returning his gaze to Ian. “Why did you cut yourself off...?”

Ian shrugged. “Well according to all the dumb movies we watched, things always explode mid-sente—”

Reality itself broke apart in an explosion of friendly proportion. Everything turned dark, except for the eight colors of the rainbows as the eight heroes fell through the hole in reality.

When they came to, there were nothing but lockers in sight. Wide lockers with a second layer of lockers atop. The room’s aroma stank with the stench of sweaty socks and exercise, the latter being an alien concept to the American humans. It brought back memories of their teenage years, particularly freshman years. Gym lockers. They were in a locker room.

Ian and Anthony groaned while they tried to stand up, but the sight before them made their blood run cold. Alongside the lockers were cubbies full of shoes. Their eyes flickered back and forth between the two, lockers and cubbies. On one bench laid a forgotten pocky stick on top of a comic book. Their eyes traveled to the floor, where a pair of bloomers lay underneath the bench.

“No…” Anthony said, a single tear trickling down his cheek. “It’s a sick amalgamation of Japan and America… Anything but this. Anything but—”

“High school!” Ian exclaimed, bumping his flailing appendages together. He then stuck his tongue out in excitement like a dumbass. “Oh, and Anthony? We’re magical talking horses now!”

“What?” Anthony stared down at his girly horse hooves and started screaming like a little girl.

High School Foreplay

The first thing she saw when she came to was a flash of pink light. Not from the Elements of Harmony, not from Pinkie Pie with a camera, but a flash of light from main hall of the room she found herself in. Twilight Sparkle blinked, stood up, and vaguely recognized the room as belonging to a human school. I believe this is where they change.

Before she could investigate the source of the flash, the shouting of two men answered her inquiries. Ian and Anthony, the heroes of the day, jumped and bounced down the locker room and shouted about their regained masculinity.

She briefly tended to her friends, helping them up with little more than a simple groan. Afterwards, the six mares trotted towards the exit of the locker room where Ian and Anthony awaited them.

“It appears that we may be missing our Elements of Harmony,” Twilight said, nodding to Ian and Anthony. “Obvious due to a negative reaction between our Elements and your…”

“Broforce.” Anthony grinned and shot a thumbs up at Ian, who quickly returned it.

“... Right.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “I can only hypothesize that due to the fact we’re in our base forms, we must be in a compatible universe with Equestria. Otherwise, we’d all be human like last time.”

“Wait a minute,” Anthony said as he stroked his chin and stared dramatically into the distance. “If you’re ponies… why are we still—er, why are we human right now?”

Twilight shrugged. “I’m best friends with Pinkie; I stopped asking questions like these.” Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy briefly exchanged mutters of agreement.

“So what do we do know?” Ian kneeled down to look Twilight in the eyes. “Do we wait for a lame deus ex machina, or are we going to do something?”

“I’m not talented in regards to magic like our dear Twilight,” Rarity said, stepping forward with a flip of her mane. “But finding our Elements, Harmony and otherwise, should be our first priority. After all, if they sent us here, they must be the key home. Right, Twilight?”

Twilight nodded to Rarity before returning her gaze to Ian. “It might be best if we split up, considering that one, the Elements likely broke apart, and two, keeping unstable Elements apart might be for the best. At least for now.”

“So…” Anthony stroked his chin as he looked at pony to pony. “We gonna, like, split up in groups of two or some kind of buddy system?”

“Well, it might be best if the girls stick—”

“I CALL THE PINK ONE!” Ian screamed as he jumped into the air with outstretched arms. Pinkie Pie immediately mirrored him in a moment of euphoric joy, wrapping her legs around him as he landed on his tiptoes and spun around. Anthony watched for a few seconds with his jaw open, then remembering to shut it with a shake of his head.

The five remaining mares exchanged looks before the discussion began. Rainbow Dash immediately picked Fluttershy, claiming it was “for her protection.” Applejack decided upon Rarity for similar, yet different reasons.

“Well, guess that leaves us,” Anthony said as he rolled his head to look down on Twilight. “Obviously, we’re the main characters. Might as well get this over with.”

“What?”

Anthony shook his head. “Nevermind.”

At last, the group dispersed. In pairs of two, they walked through the locker room’s door and into the high school. First went the pegasi, with the brave Rainbow Dash in front. Then the grounded mares after Rarity had touched up on her makeup and Applejack had complained about her wasting time. Next went Ian and Pinkie Pie, hand in hoof, skipping out the door while singing about smiling firetrucks.

At last, it was time for Anthony and Twilight to leave. The two exchanged a final nod before Anthony pushed open the door, and the two stepped out into the hall. The hall was exactly what one would expect from a high school, except it was empty and devoid of chatting teenagers, rushing teenagers, and teenagers standing in groups in the middle of the walkway instead of off to the side, thus forcing the entire flow of traffic to reroute around them and slowing all progress.

The two walked down the hall, examining every classroom door on the way. Twilight’s horn shined with each stop, hoping to detect even a wisp of magic. Eventually, the two made it to the end of their chosen hall.

“You know, you’re not much of a talker,” Anthony said, leaning near the corner of the hall. “At least, not for a magical talking horse. Hell, even Charlie talks more than you do.”

Twilight sighed and shot him a bemused look. “Look, I really just want to find the only chance we have of returning home before its too late. I don’t mean to come off as cold, I just want to get this done. After all, you did save my friends’ lives.” She held out a hoof toward him with a smile. “Friends?”

Anthony’s heart fluttered as he reached down and pounded his fist against it. With that score settled, Anthony stepped away from the wall and walked around the corner of the hall.

Only to get rubber in the face.

Twilight watched with her jaw on the floor as Anthony’s face made close relations with the front wheel of a dirt bike flying in the air. Anthony, the bike, and the rider all fell to the ground and scattered.

Anthony groaned and rubbed his head, slowly picking himself up. A hand reached down, and without a thought, he took it. Once standing, and the pounding in his head died down, he laid eyes on his assailant.

“Whoa…” Anthony bit his lip and nodded as he checked her out. Pink, fluffy hair, light pink skin, dark pink makeup. She looked human, if humans were pink. Pinker, that is. Like Pinkie Pie pink. “I’d like to see your pink,” he said, nodding with a tactless leer.

The pink girl paid no heed, taking a moment to finish the toast she held in her mouth. Afterwards, she swallowed and said, “Hey there, Mister Emo Hair Sexy Guy! I’m your senior for today and here to welcome you to your first classes here at Attack on Sailor Death Ball Z: Alchemist High School!”

Twilight trotted up to Anthony’s side and cocked her head. “That’s… a really long name for a school.”

The pink girl waved her hand casually, as if magical talking horses—not to mention unicorns—was a common occurrence. “Oh, it totes is, amiright? Attack on Sailor Death Ball Z: Alchemist High School is way too long and we’ve been telling the student counsel that for, like, forever! So we just call it Attack on Sailor Death Ball Z: Alchemist High for short.”

“Why, Spike? Why?” Twilight groaned and rested her hoof on her forehead. “Why did you have to show Rainbow Dash your manga?”

“What’s that?” Anthony looked down away from the hot pink girl.

“Nothing.” Twilight shook her head. “Just something about a baby dragon and magical manga with dimensional vortices inside.”

“Uh…” Anthony’s lower jaw quivered as he searched for a word to say. “I… Well, every man’s got his taste. I’m not gonna judge.”

“So!” the hot pink girl said with a chirp. She reached into her pink dress and pulled out two pink slips of paper with pink glitter writing, and handed one to each of them. “As your senior vice president chairman and benevolent dictator’s right-hand girl, I present to you your schedules!”

“Classroom…” Anthony squinted, trying to see past the scribbles of a stick figure with sexy emo hair.

“... One?” Twilight finished as she set aside the slip of paper. “That’s not very specific. Like at all. Where is room one in any building?”

“Oh, right there!” The hot pink girl pointed to the classroom directly behind them, allowing the camera to pan to the right for added effect. She immediately checked her watch before the two could comment, and looked up and waved. “Well, that’s all for now. I have to get to class, so toodles!” With a hop, a skip, and a jump, the girl was gone in a flash.

“That girl seemed… oddly familiar,” Twilight said as they pushed open the classroom door. Like the rest of the school, it was derelict.

Reaching into his pocket, Anthony pulled out and examined his pink slip. “Alright… Well, that’s specific.” His hand went limp to his side as he looked down at Twilight. “Back row, window seat.”

“Wait a minute…” Twilight held her slip close and squinted her eyes. “But that’s my seat too!”

“Well,” Anthony said, crumpling the pink paper and tossing it into the wastebasket with elite basketball skills. “It’s not like we’re going to actually go to class, ri—”

Before he could finish his sentence, the school bell rung. The noise it created was a polymorph of a screech, a wail, claws against a chalkboard, and every noise in a nightmare ever dreamed of. The noise itself was beyond description beyond that description, and no word or onomatopoeia could ever hope to come close to portraying it. It was the sound of every student’s despair. It was prison. It was death itself.

The classroom door flung open as a crowd of students surged in like a wave of students flinging a door open and surging into a classroom. Students of every shape, color, size, and franchise rushed in and quickly took their seats as their ninja samurai rodent sensei appeared on the teacher’s desk in a flash of smoke.

In the chaos, Twilight had somehow ended up in Anthony’s arm. And now the entire class was staring at them from their seats. The sensei glared at them, bit his lip, and nodded.

“Introduce yourselves, you must,” the sensei said, beckoning toward the class. “To the class, you will.”

Anthony turned to the class and gave a forced smile with Twilight. “Hi, I’m Anthony and this is Twilight.” He lifted his hand underneath her and waved. “We’re, uh…”

“Transfer students!” Twilight said, beaming with her pearly whites. “We’re brother and sister visiting from Equest-Murica to learn about new cultures!” With a quick kick of her hindleg aimed at Anthony’s gut, she forced him into a well-timed bow. “Please take care of us!”

“Good students, you will be,” Sensei said as he stood up and bowed.

The pain in his gut finally faded, Anthony smiled and waved at sensei. “Thank you, sensei…?”

“Sensei,” Sensei said.

“Yes, I get that.” Anthony felt like scratching his head, but Twilight was too snuggly against his chest and his subconscious urges for cuddling wouldn’t allow him to release her. “Sensei…?”

“It is Sensei,” Sensei said again.

“Yes, we understand the honorific,” Twilight said, blinking rapidly. “What is your name, sensei?”

“You may call Sensei, Sensei sensei, sensei if Sensei sensei is too much.”

“Okay, sensei…” Anthony turned away, shuffled toward his seat, and dumped the pony load onto the desk before sliding onto the seat. “That… was weird.”

“Class, today’s lesson is—” Sensei sensei reached into his brown ninja rat robes and pulled out a pair of weird goggles that looked kind of like the love child of a poker visor and 3D movie glasses. “—Power Levels,” he said as a red aura began to radiate from his body. He tossed the headset across the room where a living suit of armor caught it.

Anthony only had one thing to say as Twilight facehoofed.

“Fuck yeah!” he shouted, reaching down for his Dragon Balls.

Sensei sensei shifted his foot, assuming a horse riding stance, and brought his open palms together. “First, the horse riding stance, you must assume to gather your chi. Follow, my class.”

Twilight frowned as she watched the entire class, including Anthony, stand up and assume the exact stance. The sensei grunted, turning the aura a darker shade of scarlet.

“First, you must gather your chi.” Sensei sensei groaned, brightening his chi. “Your life energy, your power, summon it to the forefront! Alive, you must feel!” Sensei grunted, causing pencils and paper to swirl around him in a cyclone. “Then soon, the power you will feel!” Sensei sensei gave one last loud grunt. His hair stood on end, his aura turned golden, and it didn’t take five chapters to do it.

The student suit of armor stood up, taking the visor. “Oh my goodness!” “

“Al, what is his power level?” a blonde boy in a red robe uniform thingy asked, holding his lightning-crackling palms together.

The suit of armor crushed the visor into smithereen, shouting, “IT’S OVER NINE THOUSAND!”

Twilight, still lounging on the desk and completely disregarding the absurdity of the situation, turned toward Anthony. “Why do I feel like I’ve heard that before too many times?”

Anthony grunted as his aura began to turn pink. He grunted, his lips twitching as his Dragon Balls shifted his pants. Come on, Anthony! You can do this! You’re not going to—

As if on cue, just before everyone finally hit the next level, everyone ripped ass.

Twilight immediately passed out.