YhaY: Judgment Dayby gooGAKchromeChaptersCH1: MeetingsCH2: Chronological ConondrumsCH3: The Koala EmpireCH4: An Open Can of Whoop-AssCH5: Rapey DolphinsCH7: RevelationCH8: Muh Shep!CH9: Unknown SorrowCH6: Mental Indie Horror GamesCH10: Thomas The Tank Engine Dun Fucked UpCH1: Meetings Location: - Mongolian Fields A.D 1294 Was this it? Was all that he had fought for in vain? Sir Harold the Conqueror stared across the massacre. Smoldering carcasses and lifeless bodies littered the battleground. The templar's plans to attack the mongols began merely 41 minutes ago, and already they had their fates sealed. "Oh, lord in heaven" Thought Sir Harold as he lay on the ground, "Why have you foresaken us so? Have our actions not pleased you? Have we foresaken our sacred code?". Almost halfway through the skirmish, Sir Harold had been caught by surprise when he recieved a poison dart to the neck. 5 minutes after that, he found that he couldn't move. He always boasted about how his armor made him invincible, but alas, an invincible warrior was no use if he couldn't stand up. He looked up at the sky, the dark, storm cloud filled sky. He knew it was over, without him, his fellowship wouldn't hold out much longer, and he wasn't getting up any time soon. All he could do was wait until the grim reaper took him with his cold, boney hands. "Oh, lord in heaven" He managed to whisper, "Take me into your warm embrace!". As if on cue, a red lightning bolt roared down from the heavens, striking Sir Harold and ending his time in this world. There, were the mightiest of warriors used to be, lay now nothing but the grass and dirt that dotted the battleground. Location: Everfree forest A.C 1541 "Hey, he's waking up." "How can you tell, eh?" "My sensors are picking up cerebral activity correspondent to that of someone that's conscious" "What are you, a computer, eh?" "..... Was that supposed to be funny?" Harold could feel himself coming to. He tried moving, but immediately regretted it, as a jolt of pain rushed through his entire body, letting out a faint, but audible, groan. "Gah...!" "Don't strain yourself, you'll only make it worse, eh." "Try standing up, but slowly and carefully! Seeing no other choice, Harold slowly put one hand on the ground, then the other, and finally lifted himself onto his feet. What he saw, he wasn't expecting. He was in what appeared to be a rather quaint hut, but half of it was torn off and exposed to the elements of nature. Outside he could see that he was located in a forest clearing, wherein his eyes found a massive beast of a ship. But there was something wrong about it, smoke was bellowing out of it's every pore, and it didn't look like it was meant to sail on sea. In front of him were a young man, probably in his twenties, wearing a full set of matching green clothes (That, to be honest, looked quite comfortable) with mustard yellow hair and bright yellow eyes. And a red-haired woman, clad from neck to toe in the sturdiest looking set of armor he had ever layed eyes upon (That is, apart from his) Behind them, lying dead on the ground, was a small blue horse (pony?) with a horn, being constantly shaken by a naked, red haired woman with a collar that looked like it belonged upon a dog. This alone generated a miriad of questions within Harold's head. "I know what you're thinking" said the blonde man "And trust me when I say that I am just as confused as you are". "Who.... who are you?" asked Harold slowly. "I am Apollo, Apollo Incaendio" Said he, then he pointed to the armored woman, "And this is.....". "Yes?" Inquired the woman "And this is....?" "......I forgot your name." "What do you mean you forgot my name? You made me introduce myself twice, eh!" "It's not my fault that you insist I refer to you by a number." "Uuuughh..." The woman held the bridge of her nose, clearly irritated. "Not that I don't appreciate your ramblings" Intervened Harold "But will any of you please tell me WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS GOING ON?!" The woman covered her ears at his yelling, the man who called himself Apollo stood firmly, looking at him with judging eyes. "That's what we've been trying to figure out" Said Apollo "I was in the middle of a very important assignment, when a red thunderbolt strikes out to me from the middle of nowhere. Next thing I know i'm being woken up by a midget unicorn, being told how "He was my master now" and how I "better not try to escape". At first I couldn't believe my eyes, so I just kind of stood there in shock. But then he busted out that there lady" He pointed towards the naked woman "When I saw her, tongue sticking out like a dog, attached to a collar, depraved of any clothes or morals, I may have, uhh, lost my temper..." Harold raised an eyebrow under his helmet. "When you say you lost your temper, what do you mean?" Apollo simply jerked his thumb towards the carcass of the pony. Upon closer inspection, Harold noticed that it's fur was singed, and part of it was burned off. It was quite obvious now what Apollo meant. "Anyway" Apollo continued. "When I set him on fire, he started running around like a headless chicken. His horn started glowing a bright crimson, and when it started glowing too bright for me to tolerate, a beam of energy shot out from it, tearing through the roof and into the sky." "I'll pick up from there, eh." Said the armored woman. "I found myself knocked out in the corner of this hut after, err... losing consciousness, eh." Harold noticed that as she said this, her face contorted in discomfort. She wasn't teling him everything he wanted to know. "Apollo here helped me up, and I introduced myself as Pat-086, eh." She said, giving Apollo a stern look "A few moments after that, we heard a loud growl-like sound, and then that spaceship there tore through half of the hut in a crash landing, eh!" She said, pointing to the strange ship outside the hut. "Then" Picked up Apollo "You just kind of, blinked into existance in front of our eyes." Harold looked at both of them with doubt and apprehention in his eyes. "Interesting tale" He said "But is it a real one?" "I don't know" Said Pat "You tell me, eh." Harold hesitated, they could be telling a lie. But the environment he found himself in proved their story to be true. He didn't like it, but he had no choice but to believe them. "Who might you be, eh?" Asked Pat. "I am Harold" He said "Sir Harold the Conqueror, and you will refer to me as such!" CH2: Chronological Conondrums“On other pressing matters: What are we going to do about her, eh?” Pat pointed to the naked woman, crying beside the body of her so called “master”. “I don’t think she can understand us” Said Apollo. “Her brain waves are fully functional, yet they are very weak." “Couldn’t that just mean that she suffers from autism, eh?” Asked Pat. “Nope. Autistic people’s brainwaves aren’t weaker, they’re just different, hell, sometimes they’re actually stronger than normal people’s brainwaves, but that’s beside the point.” “What is this talk about brain waves?” Sir Harold inquired, curious as to the topic of the current conversation. “It’s a long story.” Replied Apollo “We have time.” Said Harold “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we don’t currently have any goals in mind.” “….Fine” Apollo sighed, “I’m part of the Olympus project. It’s this little thing that ONI put together with the goal of making robotically enhanced super-soldiers. Apart from physical enhancements and bio-robotic weapons, like the flamethrowers in my hands, the 12 of us who volunteered have small super-computers connected to our hippocampus. From there, we can send these computers requests for calculations, scans, etc. They’re also connected to our optic nerves, so we have HUDs in our sight that show us our temperatures, blood levels, energy levels and a small heat sensor map” He had lost Harold at "ONI”. “Interesting” Pat stroked her metaphorical beard “And who exactly funded this project, eh?” “Miles Blackwood” He replied “Who?” Apollo slowly turned to face Pat “Miles Blackwood. You know, the ONI commander in chief?” Pat had a confused look plastered on her face “No, that’s Serin Osman, eh.” Apollo looked shocked, what was this girl talking about? Serin Osman had been dead for years! “…No, the order of the CiCs of ONI was and is: Margaret Parangosky, Serin Osman, Steven Armstrong, George Sears, and then Miles Blackwood.” “… Apollo, I have to ask, and I mean it with all sincerity: Where can I get whatever you’ve been smoking, eh? Serin Osman is and has been the head of ONI since 2559 ‘till the present day, eh!” Apollo looked at Pat with a facial expression that could be summed up with the words “The fuck?” “And just what might the present day be?” He asked Pat frowned “July 23rd, 2568 A.D, eh!” Had Harold been drinking anything, he would’ve done a spit-take. “Excuse me?!” He blurted out “‘Tis apparent that you have either received a good knock upside the pate, or have partaken in too many a glass of liquor! The present date is December 3rd, Year of our Lord 1294!” “No, no, no!” Shouted Apollo. “What kind of crack are you on?! Both of you have got your calendars way off track…unless…” “You don’t think we’re from different time periods, do you?” He inquired. “It’s a possibility, eh.” Pat had just about given up on logic at this point. Her brain could barely take in the fact that there was a dead midget unicorn inside of a hut that was ripped open by an old school space vessel. "SETZEN SIE IHRE HANDE HINTER DEN KOPF! JETZT!" The group turned around to see a tall, white man wearing a black uniform set and a black hat pointing a gun at them from outside the hut. A total of 11 badges decorated his lapel, he was also wearing a red armband with a black swastika inside a white circle. It didn't take long for Pat and Apollo to recognize the outfit. "Nazi!" Apollo spat out that one word with more venom than a scorpion has in its tail. "ICH SAGTE-" Apollo interrupted him before he could continue. "Wenn Sie nicht setzen die Waffe nach unten, ich werde haben in den Arsch treten!" The Nazi looked appalled, he wasn't expecting resistance. "Sie sind Juden?" Asked the Nazi Apollo gave him a defiant look. "Was, wenn wir waren?" "Ich müsste eine Kugel in den Schädel Ketzer zu setzen!" He replied He hated the context in which he was about to speak, but he didn't want to be shot either. "Entspannen Sie sich! Wir sind keine Juden!" The Nazi looked the group up and down, giving Harold a longer look, and then finally lowered the gun. "Wo bin ich?" "Speak in English, these 2 don't speak German!" Apollo had a look of contained contempt on his face. The Nazi wasn't relaxed, but at least he wasn't ballistic now. "Where am I?" He asked. After a quick explanation, the Nazi looked understandably shocked, but after analyzing his current situation, he finally gave in and holstered his pistol. "It's hard to believe, but I suppose I have no choice but to trust you" He said. Harold kept his stern look. "What's your name, lad?" "Johan Roehm, loyal soldier to mein Fuhrer, SIEG HE-" "Finish that sentence and I will personally eviscerate you, then use you as a coat, eh!" Pat tried to hide her disgust towards the newcomer, but her face and words betrayed her. Horribly. "What's with all the hostility?" He asked. Harold seconded that. "Yes, I too would like to know why you hold a man you have just met hatred." "It's complex, eh." Replied Pat. The awkwardness between the group grew denser, as its four members searched in their minds for something to say. The day was starting to turn to night, and the smoke coming out of the spaceship created a makeshift beacon for the world to see. The four people next to it however, hadn't realized it yet. "What's with the naked girl?" asked Johan. "That is the matter we were trying to resolve before you burst in" Replied Harold The girl was short and hairy, her long red hair reached down to the back of her knees. She was sitting down beside her "master", almost like she was mourning him, or waiting for him to wake up. She didn't know what to do, her master was now dead, who was going to give her orders now? She lived to follow orders! But now she had none to follow! "Can we keep her, eh?" Asked pat excitedly. "I wouldn't consider that wise, what if she's dangerous?" Johan wasn't one for assuming things, that's how people ended up dead. "Come on! She's got the brain integrity of a dog, eh! She could make a good companion, eh!" Pat slowly walked up to the girl, kneeled, and then snapped her collar open. "I shall name you... Free Spirit, eh!" As soon as she said this, the girl stood up as best as her spine would let her, and then ran off into the forest that sorrounded the hut. "... Or you could run away, that works too, eh..." Harold and Apollo shared a short-lived laugh at Pat's newfound misery, while Johan cracked a small grin. Location: Canterlot Sewers Sir Faustin woke up with a start. Where was he? The last thing he remembered was having a spiffing cuppa tea with his good friend Henry Gladstone. However did he end up in a sewer system? "I say! It smells possitively errant in here!" He thought to himself, his nose wincing in disgust. Before he could mentally protest any further, a group of two quadrupedal creatures approached him from the shadows. "Will you look at that, Steel Ace! It's one of them fancy clothed humans! Must belong to some posh nobles..." Said the first of the two ponies with a low-class scottish accent. "It certainly is, Drain Rush!" Followed up the second one. "Looks like this is our lucky day!" "Oh dear!" thought Sir Faustin. "It seems I've gotten myself into quite the pickle!" CH3: The Koala Empire Location: Mobius Airspace Music Nefarius Dropbearius, the ultimate supervillain, had finally succeeded in collecting the 7 chaos emeralds, turning him into "Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen". Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen strolled down the halls of the Koala Egg Mk.IIX. In his hand's grasp lay a collar to which the ex-mighty Ivo Robotnik found himself connected. In his other hand was yet another collar, this one was connected to Sonic the hedgehog, the fastest thing alive. Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen switched Robotnik's collar to his left hand, and used his free hand to snap his fingers. A giant crystal column erected itself from a newly made opening on the massive spaceship's floor. Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen wrapped both collars around this collumn, leaving Sonic and Robotnik to wallow there like waiting puppies. He stared out through one of the many massive windows in his colossus of a space vessel. All he could see was Mobius, the planet which, in only a matter of minutes, would belong to him. His plan to make every living and non-living thing on planet Mobius his loyal Bitch was almost at an end, all he had to do was activate his magnum opus: The "Koalizer 600K" and he would add yet another planet to his mighty Koala Empire. He headed to the control room, he could smell the glory of his Weapon of Mass Convertion from where he was already. As he walked through the hallways, he thought of all those who died for the glory of the Koala Empire. Like his dog Fido. Finally, after 10 minutes of walking through glorious halls of vulcanized crystal, he made it to the 900 Mile long doors that guarded the fruits of his work. Inside he found the Koalizer 600K, fully charged and ready to fire. This brought a smile to his face, but none would've been able to tell, as his full body Koala Suit covered every inch of his body in glorious grey velvet.... Don't look at me like that! It was expensive! He walked up to the Koalizer and felt up every inch of her sexy, sexy Titanium coating. "Oh baby, you're the only one for me." He said. He looked down at the control panel of the massive weapon, it was designed after an arcade machine. He liked arcade machines. Arcade machines were the shit. He lifted his hand, ready to press the massive yellow button that would expand his reign, but suddenly met the really stronge urge to take a shit. "MENTLEGEN!" He yelled. 6 Koalas in space uniforms jet-packed their way down from compartments on the ceiling. These were his henchmen. "I have found myself with a strong urge to defecate, I will excuse myself to the bathroom for a short while. Until such moment in which I return, you are to guard the Koalizer 600K from any and all intruders." All 6 Koalas saluted in unison, and then pulled their laser rifles from hammer-space. "Good" Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen continued to produce manure from his rear end. He couldn't stop, he had accumulated too much feculence in his intestines. "Mayhaps eating North Korea wasn't the best of ideas" He thought to himself. Just when Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen thought his barrage of excrement was over, his toilet started glowing red. Before he could do anything about it though, he was sucked into it, drifting away into the adventure of a lifetime. A.C 1541 - Everfree Forest Music "Shit, it's locked, eh." Johan, Pat, Apollo and Harold had decided that investigating the crashed starship seemed like a good starting point in their search for answers. "How can you tell?" Asked Harold "Because it won't fucking open, eh!" "To be fair, that was a stupid question" Said Johan "This is getting us nowhere. Make way!" Harold walked up to the Spaceship's main door, unsheathed his sword, and with a powerful vertical swing sliced it open. "Scheiße!" Johan spouted. "What the fick is that thing made of?!" "I do not know" He replied "I found it one day during an expedition along with this armor, I have been using both of them ever since." "Huh" After much searching around, the crew stumbled upon the cockpit, or rather, what was left of it. The pilot seat was missing, and there was a ripped piece of cloth hanging from a pipe on the ceiling. Apollo tried to take it down, but the wind entering from the cracked windows beat him to it. It fell down to the ground very slowly. The crew didn't take long in putting two and two together. "Whoever was piloting this ship ejected before it was too late, eh. Unfortunately, I don't think his landing was too smooth anyway, eh." Pat said, holding up the ripped piece of parachute. "IS ANYPONY THERE?!" The group turned towards the new voice, it came from behind the ship. They quickly scurried out through the back exit, only to find a group of about 100 ponies that looked exactly the same except for one. Most of them where light blue, with white manes and tails and purple armour. The only one who stood out was the one leading the group: A tall, mint green pegasus with a dark green mane and tail, wearing dark purple armor. "Bah, it's only a flock of humans" Said the one leading the group. "Stand down stallions!" Before any of them could do just that, Pat pointed one of her guns at the leader. "You would be wise to do the opposite, eh." The stallion was flabbergasted. "Sweet Celestia! It speaks!" Apollo raised both of his hands, making his palms face the ponies. "You're going to answer our questions, or else!" The stallion was stumped for about 15 seconds, and then burst out laughing. "Why would we do that?" He asked between giggles. Johan lifted up his rifle "Because" he started. "If you don't, we'll be forced to paint the trees red with your blood!" The stallion simply smiled. "Stallions, attack!" CH4: An Open Can of Whoop-Ass Location: Ponyville It was wintertime around Equestria, Hearth's Warming Eve was right around the corner. Snow fell down from the sky like there was no tomorrow. However, even though the snowfall was hard today, the small village was full of activity. Ever since the creation of Ponyville Castle, the streets of Ponyville were brimming with tourists. A sight much foreign to its residents, who normally saw tourists around two times per year. This particular day however, came a very special tourist. Prince Blueblood pranced his way downtown, he didn't normally visit rural villages, ever, but this was a special occasion! After all, Ponyville had just become a hexarchy, and was soon to become the third capital of Equestria, along with Canterlot and the Crystal Empire (Why a city was called an empire was beyond him). He was aware that.... certain mare resided in ponyville. He was hoping he'd get the chance to meet her again and apologize for his actions that one night a long time ago. After that eventful gala, his aunt Celestia had made him take a "class on humility" as she described it, since then he'd seen the errors of his previous lifestyle, but he still had a long way to go. At the very least, he was a reformed stallion now... ... Right? As he walked down the street, he was stopped by a little colt who grabbed at his right foreleg, he looked down at him. The colt was white and covered in both dirt and snow, a used rag was draped over his skinny back to protect him from the cold. "Please mister, could you spare a bit?" He asked in a soft, squeaky voice. Blueblood almost swatted him away out of reflective instinct, but stopped short of lifting his hoof. "Deep breaths Blueblood, deep breaths" After 3 or 4 seconds of breathing, Blueblood reached around for his saddlebag, pulled out a silver bit, and hoofed it over to the beggar colt, who looked at it with both surprise and awe in his eyes. "A whole silver bit?" He asked, afraid that this was another one of those bit-and-string pranks ponies liked to pull on him. "...Think nothing of it" Blueblood scurried off before any more beggars appeared to take his money instead of earning it for themselves.... ...No. He shouldn't think like that, he had to constantly remind himself that poverty was not a result of laziness, but of misfortune. We didn't have the privilege of choosing who to be before entering this world, if we did, everypony would be rich. Further down the street, he could see it, Ponyville Castle. It wasn't as big or imposing as, say, Canterlot Castle or the Crystal Castle, but it was still a sight to behold. Once he was at the entrance, he gave a letter to the guards. Upon reading it, they raised their spears to make way for him. A maid guided him to his temporary guest room. Once they got there, Blueblood thanked the maid and got to unpacking his saddlebags. But as the she started to walk away, he stopped her. "Excuse me, but there was an extra "package" that was to be "delivered" separately. Where might it be?" His question was answered when he was tackled by a white as snow woman with light blonde hair. "Ah! Towhead! There you are!" Blueblood cared about his human more than anything else in the world. Towhead might've actually been his first and only friend. The maid smiled slowly, before walking away. Location: Everfree Forest Music "Stand back, I will handle this" As 100 ponies charged towards the small group of humans, Harold drew his sword back to his side, took in a deep breath, and swung his blade horizontally as fast as his arm would let him. A blue beam of energy, shaped like the path the sword followed, propelled itself into the group of ponies, slicing a total of 80 legs straight out of their owner's bodies. The other 3 humans looked at Harold's sword with child-like wonder and amazement in their eyes. "Heilige Scheiße, ich will das!" Apollo whispered to himself The remaining able soldiers were flabbergasted, they couldn't process the fact that a human had completely disabled 20 soldiers in one swift movement. The leader of the group, who was watching from a safe distance, wasn't having a better time believing it either. After six or seven seconds, he snapped out of his stuppor and bellowed to his squad. "USE YOUR MAGIC, ATTACK FROM A DISTANCE!" The squad stopped advancing, and instead went back a few steps. The humans watched as 79 horns lit up and launched 79 blue energy blasts, each the size of a jumbo beach ball. They were too fast, the humans didn't have time to react. However, as they soon found out, they didn't need it. Upon contact with the humans, the bolts of magic reversed their direction, and sent 79 ponies sprawling to the ground. The only pony remaining was the leader, who was currently speechless. 99 stallions, 99 bucking stallions had been defeated by a group of 4 humans, that had literaly done nothing more then swing a sword ONCE. "You guys get back to investigating the ship, I've got this one." Apollo said. Following his commands, Harold, Pat and Johan scurried back to the ship. "Alright asshole, let's see what you've got!" Apollo put his open hands together, connected by the base of his palms. "What was the name of that one move from that 20th century videogame again?" He thought to himself "Ah, right!" "HADOUKEN!" A spherical conjunction of flames erupted from Apollo's hands, engulfing the pegasus in fire. He started thrashing about like a child who got an extra hour in the ball pit. After some time, Apollo came up to him and kicked him until the fire was out. The pegasus lay there, scorched and beaten, unable to move out of sheer pain. "You are going to answer all of our questions, do I make myself clear?" The pegasus nodded with tears in his eyes. Location: Canterlot Sound As I dragged the dead body of the pegasus through an alleyway, I remembered the "peculiar" type of introduction I introduced myself with. A frown appeared on my face as I saw the event replay in my head. "Now now, little mare, you're going to do what I tell you to, or your filly gets it!" "NO! PLEASE! DON'T HURT HER!" "Quiet!" *Smack* "Now, If you don't want me to hurt her, then get on your haunches and start sucking!" "Please.... leave us alone!" The criminal raised his hoof once again, only to find he couldn't quite bring it down. He turned around and saw me, who, to him, looked like a monstrous bipedal figure, clad in black and grey, holding his hoof. ".... What the hell are you?!" The only response I graced that question with was.... "...Gasman" That was the last thing he'd hear in his miserable life, no one could survive getting their skull cracked open by my fist. CH5: Rapey DolphinsAs the sun began to set in the horizon, Johan and Apollo arranged a small room in the crashed ship. It's only light source was now a small, broken window. "Now" Said Johan "You are going to tell us all zat you know about zis place, or else, you are going to learn a lot about hell first hand." "First things first" Said Apollo "What's your name?" The pegasus, bound in ropes taken from the ship's cargo bay, kept his mouth (snout?) shut. Johan quickly grabbed his pocket knife and put it's edge to one of his wings, removing any and all willingness to resist from the pegasus. "Ve vill ask again. Vat. Is. Your. Name?" The stallion whimpered a bit before answering. "Ch...Chainmail" "Is that your codename?" Inquired Apollo. "N-no, that's my name, Chainmail." Apollo spun the thought around in his head for a bit, then decided it didn't realy matter. "Alright, I gather that humans here aren't intelligent, correct?" Chainmail nodded his head. "Alright, and I suppose that you horses-" "Ponies" He corrected. Johan inched his knife closer to Chainmail's wing. "Does he look like he gives a shit?" He asked. Chainmail shook his head nervously. "Anyway, I assume you ponies domesticated these humans, right?" He nodded again. "I see, what uses do they serve you?" Chainmail nervously looked left and right, as if he was pretending not to have heard the question. "I understand you zink ve'll be angry if you tell us" Said Johan. "But ve vill be even angrier if you don't." Chainmail took in a deep breath he didn't know he needed. "In Epona, humans are used by all species as farm animals, pets, work animals, food, and..." "Yes?" Inquired Apollo. "And...?" "....Sex" The moment that one word escaped the pegasus's lips, Apollo felt his rage rise to it's highest since he came here. And then, after a few seconds, it was gone. He'd learned to control it over the years. Taking in a deep breath, Apollo continued his questioning. "You said "all species", how many more species are there?" Chainmail blinked, for a second there he thought he was about to meet his maker. "Umm... there are us ponies, we recide in Equestria. There's also the griffons from Aevia, the minotaurs from Gaia, the dragons from Ragnarok, the donkeys, who are nomadic, the buffalos from the plains of Appleloosa, the diamond dogs from Felis, and the dolphins from Pacifica" Apollo and Johan both raised their eyebrows at that last one. "How can dolphins use humans?" asked Apollo "Don't they live underwater?" "They do, but they use a sub-breed of humans called mermen. They're also the only race who use humans exclusively for sex" "Should've fucking known" He muttered to himself "We're getting off track, what can you tell me about the ponies?" "Well..." He began "There are four kinds of ponies: Earth ponies, pegasi, unicorns and alicorns. The latter of which there are only four. Earth ponies are especially strong, pegasi can fly, unicorns can use magic, and alicorns are a mix of all three, but on much higher levels." "Alright, what level of technology do you have?" Chainmail smiled "We're the most technologically advanced species out there! We could out-progress any nation in the world!" "Really?" Asked Johan "Vat's ze most recent zing you have invented?" "About 4 months ago, we invented a garnet you can wear on your snout to correct bad vision! We call it the eyeglass." Apollo stopped, blinked, and then broke out into histerical laughter along with Johan. As they rolled on the floor, sides aching, the pony wondered just what was so funny. "He- hey, look at *gasp* look at me, I invented the eyeglass i'm so adva-hahahAHAHAHAHAAAAH!!!" Apollo managed to get out before continuing his laughing fit. "Oh mein Gott. Meine Seiten! Mein verdammtes Seiten!" Johan choked out. After about three or four minutes of uncontrollable laughter, Apollo and Johan found themselves back in their places, mocking grins stilled plastered on their mouths. "Ohhh, excuse us for zat little moment, ve just couldn't process how pazetic yet grandiose zis entire planet is. Because if ponies are ze most advanced race in here, and zeir most recent invention is ze eyeglass" Johan said as he put the tip of his handgun to Chainmail's head. "Zen ve von't be needing your info anymore, all of you are truly and rightfully fucked!" *BANG* Location: Ponyville *BANG* Blueblood was interrupted from his little reunion by a loud noise proceeding from the Everfree Forest. Out of curiosity, he tightened his magical grip on Towhead's collar and headed outside, where he saw a guard addresing a conglomeration of concerned citizens. "Please stay calm, we can assure you that we have the situation under control!" Said the guard. "First it was the huge metal bird, now we're hearing loud noises without no clue as to what made them!" Protested a middle aged stallion in the crowd "If you really DO have it under control, then tell us what "it" is!" "We've already sent a squadron of guards to address the issue, they should be back soon with a full report." "What if it's a monster?" Pondered out loud a young mare "Are you gonna sit by while monsters threaten the town?!" "There ARE no monsters! Please go back to your regular routines!" The scene went on for a while, as one citizen after another made up a completely ridiculous theory and took it for fact. Blueblood watched on with intrigue until, sudenly, Towhead ran off towards the Everfree, catching Blueblood off guard and breaking his magical hold on her leash. After waking up from his stupor, Blueblood trotted after Towhead like there was no tomorrow, ignoring the fact that he was entering Epona's most dangerous forest. Location: Canterlot Sewers "Remind me again why I'm stuck with you buffoons?" Asked Gasman. "Because fornicate thee, that is why!" Replied Dropbearius. "I'd think it has something to do with the fact that we're all stuck in a city with talking horses who think we're someone's pets." Added Pitka "I have to agree with Pitka here" Intervened Faustin. "It isn't every day that you end up in a city of mythical proportions along with four strangers!" "Here here" Added Alexander. "You know" started Pitka "Since we found you, the only things you've said have been "no", "yes", "maybe" and "here here"" "I don't like to talk." Said Alexander "It's unnecessary." An awkward silence reigned over the group as they walked further into the sewers. Until Faustin spoke up. "What exactly are our plans? We still don't know what we are to do!" "There's five of us here, there's bound to be more." Replied Pitka "I suggest we keep going until we find the city border, then look for someone who knows something about this place." "That's the most logical sentence that's come out of this little ensamble" Commented Gasman. "Oh, silence thy harlote tongue, boy!" Reprimanded Dropbearius. "This is gonna be one of those days, isn't it?" Thought Alexander Location: ????? Captain's log Stardate: 874616.2669647387 I was awoken by a strong vibration. When I stepped out of my dorm, I noticed that my crew was nowhere to be seen. I looked out through the Renegade's main window, only to find that I was no longer traversing Sector 401, but rather, the Renegade was decending into the atmosphere of a planet that I'm certain was not supposed to be there. I tried to take direct control of the Renegade, only to find that her energy was completely drained, not a single electronic system was working. In a desperate attempt to evade a most painful death, I gathered my survival kit and utilized the Renegade's orbital skydiving module to land safely in an area that weren't too far away from the predicted crash-landing site. The moment I landed, I lost consciousness. Approximately five hours later, I woke up and started up the digital map in my multi-purpose wristband. Surely enough, this planet isn't registered in any known star sector. I have no choice but to explore the wilderness of this planet as I head back to the crash site. I can only hope for the best. CH7: RevelationThis whole thing was not a happy situation for anyone, but Sir Harold took the matter with more rationality than the others . Don't get me wrong, the very idea of his entire race being turned into pets, work slaves and sex toys made his blood boil just as much as it did his newfound companions. However, throughout his life as a knight, he learned that anger only leads to reckless violence, and reckless violence only leads to death. Life is so short already, why make it shorter? Having to drag the heavy unconscious body of a pony AND the heavier dead body of the eight headed beast through the mud didn't help either. He was perfectly capable of doing it, mind you, but the less strength spent on mundane tasks the better. Another fact that bugged him was that the towheaded woman wouldn't leave him alone for the world. Almost as if she were bound to him. After about an hour, or an hour and a half, he saw it from the distance. The camp looked just like it did when he left to find food. Apollo was doing something to his arms with a screwdriver, Johan was taking a snooze, and Pat was chopping up the wood she brought back. "I bring both dinner and a potential information source!" Said Harold as he dumped the beast and the pony next to the ship. "Shit, another one?" Apollo jumped down from the roof of the ship. "You don't think they're sending spies after us, do you?" " 'Tis possible, yet I can confirm myself that there are no other settlements for miles. Were they, as you say, sending spies after us, they would take much longer to arrive." He replied "Well" Started Pat "Considering the fact that someone killed our first source of information, this comes in handy, eh! Tie him down to the same chair Apollo did the last one and keep watch on him until he wakes up, we'll bring you your share of dinner, eh." With a small nod, Harold hoisted the pony over his shoulder and went inside. "Vat ze hell is zat?!" Johann asked while looking at their new meal. "Massive body, multiple heads, reptilian... I'd call it a hydra." Said Apollo. "Is it safe to eat, eh?" "Hold on..." Apollo took a good look at the hydra and turned on his scanner. After a quick minute, his left eyeball went *ding*, and he spoke again. "Everything below the throat is edible, well, throats." He said as he chopped of it's necks. "We're gonna have to skin the bastard, this is gonna take a while." Location: ???? Captain Leonard J. Hawke, owner and captain of what was now the group's camp, was having a hard time adapting to the dangerous environment. While he could always kill any impending threat by setting his phaser to kill or desintegrate, he needed to conserve energy, lest he be stuck on an alien environment without any means of defense. And the two least energy consuming functions, stun and heat, didn't really seem to affect the ferocious local wildlife. From his estimations based on the distance of the rising smoke he could see, he was about 6 kilometres from the nearest settlement. Hopefully the translation function of his communicator would aid him in communicating with the natives. He could only hope that lady luck would be on his side for once. "It has been almost an hour, how long can one living creature stay unconscious?" Harold asked "I dunno, but I'm starting to get bored, eh." As if on cue, the pony started to come to, only to find himself strapped by ropes to a cold metal chair. When he regained his sences completely, he opened his eyes to find the four humas. "Where am I?" He thought out loud. "Bound to a chair? Dim light? Metal table? Am I being interrogated?" He looked to the side of the chair to find a make-shift copper lock. "Helloooooo! Anypony there?" He asked. He looked at Apollo, then at the keys in his hand. He tried grasping them with his magic, but for some reason or another, all he could accomplish was to cast his iconic light-blue aura on it. Then, an idea sprung to his head. He looked around for his saddlebag and found it resting in a corner. Using his magic, he pulled out a bacon shaped biscuit from it, and hung it in front of Apollo. "Are you hungry, boy? I'll give you the treat if you give me the key!" He said while enveloping the keys in his arcane aura, hoping the human would get it. "No thanks, I already had dinner" Apollo said with a sarcastic face. The moment he spoke up, Blueblood immediately dropped his hold on the biscuit, the king of all shocked looks adorning his face. "You can t-" "YES we can talk!" He yelled out. "Honestly, the question's only been asked once so far and it's already gotten old!" Blueblood stared at the four humans for a while, then he shook his head. No time for initial shock, there's things going down! "... What ARE you?" "Vat does it look like?" Asked Johann. "We're humans!" "Humans don't talk!" Responded Blueblood. "They're fairly intelligent, for animals, BUT THEY DON'T TALK!" "Perhaps your version of humans do not" Counterargumented Harold. "But we are not from here." "Not from here? Whatever do you mean?" "We mean that we're from a world where humans are the dominant species." Replied Apollo Blueblood took a moment to picture that, a whole world where humans lead happy lives, and didn't have to buckle under the whims of ponykind... that's the kind of world he'd like Towhead to live in... Wait a second... "Hold on, where's Towhead?" Apollo raised his eyebrow. "If Towhead is the woman you were chasing, then we allowed her to rest by the fire outside." Blueblood calmed down a bit, at least she was safe. "What about me?" He asked. "What are you going to do to me?" "For ze moment, nozing" Contested Johann "But know zat our ultimate goal here is to liberate all humans, and to do zat ve're going to need information, vich you vill provide to us." Apollo took his time to ask something a little bit out of plan. "I can see that you are heavily attached to that woman. Would you be willing to cooperate with us in our mission to liberate humanity? We could really use a magic user" Blueblood took some time again to contemplate what he was being asked. Throughout his childhood, the only friend he had ever had was Towhead, she was the only one who would genuinely stay by his side when he was sad. Maybe that's why he felt such a strong connection to humans in general. This was his chance to go one step further from animal's rights protestor, to animal's rights enforcer! "... I would be honored! How can I help?" Everyone raised an eyebrow, they weren't actually expecting him to accept. "Well..." Apollo begun. "You can begin by teling us all you know about magic and this world's humans." "Alright then...." He drew in a deep breath. "As far as we ponies are concerned, magic is a force inherent to this world, it resides within every being, living or non-living. It can be used either through mental force, like levitating or manipulating, or it can be used in spells, which require the user to think of a specific set of runes in their head, and channel them through their horn." "Tell us more about these runes, eh." "Nopony really knows where they're from or what they mean, but they're words formed by an alphabetic-like system that, when organized correctly, create spells. The more runes a spell contains, the more magic is needed to cast it. Nopony has actually been able to translate the meaning of the words, but we call the language itself "runic"." "As for humans... they are an interesting bunch, they are way smarter than any other animal, even if they're not quite sapient. They were brought here by Princess Celestia about 30 years ago, they were also-" "Woah woah woah woah woah!" Apollo broke. "Care to repeat that?" "They were brought into Equestria about 20 years ago by Princess Celestia." Said Blueblood. "Explain" Ordered Johann. "31 years ago, Princess Celestia declared that she would create a new animal that all nations would be able to use as a replaceable work-force. Half a year later, during the Summer Sun Celebration, she cast a spell that she inscribed in a stone tablet. About half an hour later, humans started popping up all over the world. A few days later, planet Epona had it's new work force. After that, Celestia donated the stone tablet to the Royal Canterlot Museum Of Magic And Arcane Arts." The four humans were stunned, none of them knew what to make of this. "Is there any way we can see the stone tablet?" Asked Harold "Well..." Blueblood wondered if he should... "There's this one spell called the Snapping spell, which lets you capture an image of what you're seeing the moment you cast it, then transfer it into paper or any other surface in the form of magic-generated paint. I recently went to the CMOMAAA myself, I took a snap spell of all the exhibits, including the tablet..." Apollo wasted no time in slamming his hands down on the metal table. "Show us. Now." A little bit frightened, blueblood concentrated his magic energy into his horn, from which a multicolor beam of light shot out into the metal table, creating an image of a stone tablet with runic inscriptions. Σε αυτό το πολύ την ημέρα και ημερομηνία. Θα πρέπει να τροποποιηθεί, τις χορδές της μοίρας. για μια αυτοκρατορία για τη βελτίωση, ένα άλλο πρέπει να θυσιαστεί. παρόμοιο με το πώς να δοκιμάσουν την τύχη τους, πρέπει κανείς να ρίξει τα ζάρια. ξεκινώντας από σήμερα, οι άνθρωποι θα χάσουν τον έλεγχο του σώματός τους. αναγκασμένοι να παρακολουθούν ως πόνυ κατάχρηση τους, όπως ένα χόμπι. Με το μυαλό τους ότι θα ρίξει πολλά δάκρυα, που θα αμυδρό φως και αιχμαλωτίζουν το βλέμμα. Αλλά αυτό δεν θα έχει σημασία, για κανείς δεν θα ακούσει. Αναγκασμένος να είναι και να αισθάνονται πρωτόγονη. Κλάμα από το πίσω μέρος του μυαλού τους. Που πωλούνται από την δωδεκάδα. Ή πωλούνται από τα εννέα. After taking a closer look at it, Pat spoke up. "It looks like Greek to me, eh." "Vat does it mean?" Asked Johann. "Hold on, I'm setting my translator to speaker mode." Said Apollo Suddenly, from Apollo's ears, a robotic female voice spoke up. In this very day and date. Shall be amended, the strings of fate. For one empire to improve, another must be sacrificed. Much like how to try their luck, one must throw the dice. Starting from now, people will lose control of their body. Forced to watch as ponies abuse them as a hobby. In their minds they will shed many tears, which will glimmer and glisten. But that will not matter, for no one will listen. Forced to be and feel primitive. Crying from the back of their mind. Sold by the dozen, or sold by the nine. Silence reigned in the dimly lit room. All that could be heard was Apollo's metallic arm shaking in pure rage, eventually applying so much force that the keys to Blueblood's lock he held in his hand penetrated it's titanium alloy, making a wound from where a mixture of blood, coolant, and other fluids dripped down into the floor. It was a long time until Apollo spoke up. "Get your weapons ready, we've got regicide to do." CH8: Muh Shep!Apollo, Harold, Pat, Johann, and the newest addition to the fray; Blueblood, all sat down in front of the bonfire right outside the shipwreck. Silence reigned supreme as the quintet (Yes, that's a word) gazed in boredom and sorrow at the small sparks of fire that rose up into the night sky. "We require a plan." Stated Harold "We cannot go into battle with one who was able to teleport several kingdoms at once so easily, not yet at least." "True," Replied Johann "her armies should be ze easiest to vipe out, but if she is as poverful as her actions speak of her, then ve're going to need a less direct approach." "Not possible." Broke Blueblood "She's an alicorn, alicorn magic runs through their blood, and any being that posseses alicorn magic can't be injured. The moment an alicorn suffers any type of damage, their wounds will heal themselves almost instantly." "Welp. There goes all chance of subduing her, eh." "Isn't there any way to deprive her of this magic?" Asked Apollo. "No. Contrary to the dwellers of yours, from what you've told me; inhabitants of this world simply can't not have magic of any type. It's against the rules of this universe. However, it is possible to swap out one's inherent magic for another type. Albeit that requires very ancient knowledge, the likes of only individuals like King Sombra might know." "Where might we find this king you speak of?" Asked Harold. "It is complicated, he was defeated about two years ago, when he tried to take over the Crystal Empire, he was turned into crystal and shattered into six parts by the Crystal Heart. His parts where then distributed, one for each major kingdom to protect, so that he might never resurect again. His resurection is, however, still theoretically plausible, if one or many were to gather his parts, they could use the magic of the Crystal Heart to bring him back." "So basically," started Apollo while he wrapped a bandage around his hand."all we have to do is go to the different kingdoms and gather up his parts, do the thingy thing with the crystal macguffin, then convince him to swap out celestia's magic so that we might subdue her into undoing the spell. Right?" "In a nutshell, yes." Blueblood looked up at the sky, wondering if he was doing the right thing helping this lot. "You seem unusally compliant." Added Johann "From vhat I understand, the princess is your aunt and your ruler. Vhy are you so eager to help us?" Blueblood looked down at the ground. "After understanding the meaning of her spell, I don't know what to think of her anymore." "MY SHIP!" The party turned their heads to see a tall, pale man running towards the crashed ship. Immediately before turning his head towards their direction. "What have you done to her you fiends?!" Location: Canterlot - Outer Walls *BOOM* Pieces of guardspony flew all over the place as the second crew backed up from the now very open stone wall. "These equines really need to research concrete." Said Pitka, popping his head out of the new exit/entrance. "Concrete wouldn't have fared much better against my grenades either." Added Alexander. "Come on, let's get out of here before the authorities come." Urged Gasman Dropbearius looked around for the best direction to run off to, but then he noticed a train track not too far away from their current location. "Gentlemen, behold!" He said as he pointed towards the railroad like he was objecting in court. Alexander looked a bit to the left "If the rising vapor from within the walls tells us anything, it's that the steam train is about to depart." "What are we waiting for, then?" Asked Faustin. "Let us make haste! Off we go!" The crew ran towards the railroad, with the exception of Dropbearius, who was power-walking really fast. Their adrenaline kicked in when they saw the tip of the train peek it's head through the outer gates of the wall. "We're not gonna make it!" Shouted Alexander. "Do not give in so easily! Just a little ways to go!" Replied Faustin over the loud sound of wind and steam engines. After what felt to the runners like a reject scene from a Mission Impossible movie, our heroes made it to the border of the gate, where the latter half of the train still found itself. Barely. "Jump!" All 5 humans propelled themselves forward and grabbed on to the ledge of the last wagon of the train. After a deep breath or two, they pulled themselves up to the roof, where they fell to their knees out of the pain in their legs, but not before Dropbearius added: "Y'all run like welshmen." Location: ONI Headquarters 2526 A.D Miles Blackwood, an old bald man in his sixties, and the current ONI commander in chief, sat down on his swiveling chair, lit up a cigar, and swiveled around. Alot. Not that he didn't appreciate his current position of power, but from time to time being the CiC was boring as all hell. As if on cue to appease his boredoom, Lieutenant Michael Harbor spoke up on his communications system. "Sir, the laboratory down at the Olympus Project research center wishes to have a word with you, sir." "Oh, them again. Can't you tell them to wait?" "Permission to speak freely, sir?" "Granted." "They have politely asked you to ´get your lazy ass over there now´." Miles let out a chuckle he didn't know he needed. "Alright, tell them I'll be there soon." He stood up from his chair, left his office, and went down a long hallway down into the Olympus Project research wing. Upon entering, the familiar smell of burning opium that the laboratory always kept hit his nostrils. Walking further down the lab, he noticed his childhood friend Taylor Haste, an old woman in her sixties that managed to keep her long, shiny, black hair and young facial assets thanks to plasic surgery. "Taylor! It's always a pleasure!" He said. "Whadd'ya need?" Taylor swiveled her chair around. "It's about Olympus Soldier No. 01 Miles, he-" "For fuck's sake, woman! Just call him Apollo!" Interrupted Miles. "Very well." Taylor kept her stern look. "We've been trying to locate Apollo for the last three days now, and we finaly tracked him down. The problem is, his coordinates shouldn't exist." Miles raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" He took the cigar out of his mouth and let out a tuft of smoke. "It means that either his chip has gone haywire, which it can't, I made sure of that, or that he somehow managed to get himself abducted by covenant and taken to a distant sector." "How distant are we talking about?" "Outside of the observable universe distant." Miles sucked in some smoke and held the cigar in his hands, not long before putting it out against his shoulder. "Well, shit." CH9: Unknown Sorrow Location: ?????? In the middle of a dimly lit and gloomy room, on opposite sides of a coffee table, sat two beings in black cloaks that encompassed everything in their bodies but their heads. One was a red-eyed young woman who's wide, deep purple hair ran all the way to her heels; the other, a man with shaggy grey hair and blank, soulless eyes. "It's been so long since I've had a choice, at all." Started the woman as she took a sip of her tea. "I'm well aware." Said the man. "You'd think twenty years of having no control over your body would get to you, wouldn't you? Well it would, and it did." The woman took another small sip from her cup. "Oh, Artemis, let's not do this, the world is engulfed in enough drama as it is." The man held his hand to the bridge of his nose, annoyed. "This is not drama, Chronos, this is the truth!" Gaia said as she put down her cup of tea, still holding it in her hand. "Do you have any idea how I felt when I could do literally nothing but watch as a race of equines who call themselves "peaceful" and "tolerant" took turns to shove their members down my mother and father's throats?" She asked, putting pressure on her cup. "Do you have any idea how I felt when I was branded and sold on the street like a common whore?" She put more pressure on her cup "Do you have any idea how I felt when I was mounted and rutted by those I once called friends? And even my little brother?!" She asked, as cracks started appearing on the cup's surface. Chronos sighed an annoyed sigh. "Yes, yes, I'm well aware of how much you hate Celes-" "NO, YOU ARE NOT!" She didn't quite feel or notice it happen, but the mysterious woman now found herself face to face with her colleague, hot tea dripping from her hands with which she held his cloak , breathing at a rate not healthy for any kind of living being. He, on the other hand, kept his neutrality-emanating look. Gaia quickly noticed what she was doing, let her brother in arms go, and sunk back into her seat. After two or three minutes of awkward silence, she lifted her head from her hands and spoke to the man across the room. "Why didn't you help me out twenty years ago?" She asked with eyes that wanted to, but couldn't quite afford to cry. The man started rubbing his temples. "You know very well why, my dear. I had more important priorities." It was then that she broke down into tears. "What could possibly be more important than saving me from twenty years of hell?!" She advocated in between sobs. The man stood up from his seat and went across the coffee table to wrap Gaia in a hug. "Now now, darling, you know I hate to see a lady cry." He said, almost sounding cynical. Almost. "You know what would have happened had I interfered with the spell myself." One or two minutes of consolation later, Chronos spoke up again. "Don't cry Gaia, it's bad for your circuitry." He said while absent-mindedly rubbing her back with one hand. "A friend of ours arrived in the Everfree recently, I'm gonna need you to take care of him." Location: Friendship Express. Ever been on top of a speeding train while wearing a top hat? It's pretty tragic. For the top hat, I mean. "Relax Faustin." Said Alexander through his combat helmet. "It's only a top hat." "Only a top hat?" Faustin blurted out. "That hat was the pinnacle of perfection that adorned my everlasting elegance! Without it I am no longer a gentleman!" "Geez, obsessive much?" Thought Alexander out loud, to which Faustin was mature enough not to reply to. Alexander looked around to see what everyone else was doinig. Gasman was playing five finger fillet, but with no platform to stick the knife into or keep his hand steady on; Pitka was dangling his legs over the back of the train, supposedly brooding; Faustin had his hands on his head, mourning the windy loss of his hat; and Dropbearius was ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. Soon enough the group noticed a trail of flying figures speeding towards the train they were stow-awaying in. As they got closer, they started to make out the shape of pegasi in a triangular formation. Expecting conflict, the humans grabbed their respective weapons. "They must've followed us from the city." Said Pitka. "Should we just shoot them?" Asked Alexander. "Let's wait and see what their intentions are." Suggested Pitka. Eventually, the mini-fleet of thirty pegasi caught up to the train. Its leader, a cyan coated pegasus with a military shave, was the first to land, followed by the rest of the squad. "What is it that you need?" Asked Faustin. "Sir, should we intercept them? They're talking humans, but they don't match the descriptions." Spoke up one soldier in the front row. "It doesn't matter if the descriptions are off. They're humans with the ability to talk, they're definetely the humans Her Majesty wants." All 4 humans grabed their weapons, except for Dropbearius, who simply said. "Don't worry about it comrades, I'll handle this." "Jesus fucking christ Dropbearius!" Yelled Alexander. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" "I'm fairly certain spatulas were never meant to be used that way." Added Pitka. As Dropbearius rummaged through the belongings of the ponies who suffered a horrible death, he found a note and five red collars clutched inside the squad captain's saddlebag. "I found something!" Announced Dropbearius. Your orders are to find five specific humans, I do not know their exact wherabouts, but if the explosion at the outer wall earlier this morning was any indication, it's that they were initially in Canterlot. They probably escaped by clinging to the departing Friendship Express. Your targets are a blond male with metallic limbs, a male clad in full white armor, a female clad in dark green armor, a male wearing a black military-like suit, and a bearded male wearing a red shirt and black pants. Be warned, these humans are sapient and can speak. Do not kill them, instead, lock the five collars I supplied you with around their necks, that should remove their 'unique traits'. Your payment will await you upon your return. Signed Princess Celestia of Equestria. CH6: Mental Indie Horror GamesAfter three or four hours of walking in the sewers, the group decided it was best to rest for the night. They gathered around a small make-shift bonfire made from spewn junk and incendiary bullets. "I am aware of the fact that we know each other's names," Said Faustin "but we have not yet had a proper introduction." "I suppose that would be priority number zero." Admitted Gasman "We should go in order of union to this little party, so go ahead, start it off." Faustin adjusted his top hat and monocle, and started spinning his rapier in circles as he spoke. "Well, as you already know, my name is Sir Faustin, I am a British noble and general, I was born in London into an aristocratic family. I was enjoying a good cup of tea with a friend of mine one stormy night, when we both put our cups down at some manner of loud rumbling, my memory, from that point on, is a blur. The next thing I am able to recall is waking up in these sewers, and finding myself confronted by two small horses who, apparently, wanted to hold me ransom to some other small horse. Since we find that we are from different epochs, I consider it relevant to add that I was brought here from the eighteen hundred and ninth year of our lord." Pitka was the next to speak up. "My name is Johan Pitka, I am an Estonian commander from the year 1944 A.D. I was retreating from a battle against the Soviet forces when my squad and I were struck by a red lightning bolt. I woke up by myself in a sewer, where I started wandering to find an exit. Eventually, I came upon a man who was making head cheese out of two horses with his rapier." Alexander spoke through his suit's microphone. "I am Alexander, but people call me "The General". I was born in Armenia. I was testing a space vessel for NASA --A space exploration agency, for those of you from the past-- in the year 2031, when the vessel was struck by a red Sprite lightning. I awoke sorrounded by sewage water, that's when these two-" He said pointing at Pitka and Faustin "- helped me up and allowed me to accompany them." The man with the gasmask spoke next "Name's Gasman, I punish those who dare break the law. As for my background and what I was doing when I was struck... I'm from the year 2044, that's all you need to know. I awoke in an alleyway, further in which I found one of those horses holding a knife to a filly's throat, and using threats of violence to make another horse do his bidding. My natural rage overcame my initial schock, and.... well," He held up his fist, still covered in blood."Bad things happened to 'im. I was heading down the sewer to dispose of the.... aftermath, if you will, when I found you three. Hungry for answers myself, I decided to join ya'." And then there was him. Pitka, Faustin, Alexander and Gasman all turned to the man in the koala suit. "I plead the fifth." Was all he said "I don't think the fifth applies here" Gasman, couldn't believe he was stuck with this chucklefuck. "We already know that we found you floating around amongst sewage and shit. All we need to know is what year you're from." "I am from the year Yo Momma B.S" "Really? Yo momma jokes?" Gasman looked at him dead in the eyes. Well, the eyes of his koala suit, his weird, ridiculous koala suit. "You know what?" Said Pitka "I'm not even gonna bother, I'm just going to assume that in whatever year you're from, the mental asylum hasn't been invented." Dropbearius merely gave out a meek chuckle muffled by his koala suit. "I can tell this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship!" A.C 1541 - Everfree forest It was night time already, Harold and the others had decided to make the crashed spaceship their main base for the time being. Harold himself had gone into the woods to find something worth eating, while Pat had gone to chop off some wood for the bonfire. Apollo and Johann sat on top of the ship, their legs dangling off the side. Johann was spinning his gun in his hand, while Apollo was using his neural CPU to play an indie horror game from the 21st century about a deadly pizza parlor, from time to time letting a small gasp out and muttering something about a fox. The atmosphere was awkward and uncomfortable for both of them, so it was only a matter of time until one of them broke it. "Apollo, you are German, are you not?" Asked Johann. "Huh?" Apollo, quickly closed the game in his mind. "Yeah, I'm German, what about it?" "Vy do you hold so much hatred towards nazis? You're from ze distant future, right? Aren't ve remembered as ze strongest army of history?" Apollo scrunched his nose "No, if anything, you are remembered for being the most hated political party in history, even modern day Germany is ashamed to have hosted you." Johann looked down on the ground with a melancholic look on his face. "Ve lose the var, don't ve?" "Take a wild guess." There was another broad span of awkward silence, until Johann spoke up again. "If I am to be honest viz you, I doubted Hitler from ze very beginning. I needed ze money, and ze nazi army was ze best solution at ze time. I'm not quite sure yet if I regret vat I've done to ze jews, but zat's vy I'm asking you. You've got historians in ze future, right? Vere ze jews really behind ze crisis, ze loss of the first great var, or vere zey trying to vipe out the arians at all?" Apollo looked at Johann with a look that wasn't sure if it wanted to be one of simpathy or disgust. "No, no, and no. Hitler lied about all that, the jews had done nothing bad." Johann closed his eyes and let his body fall back into the cold metal coating of the spaceship. "I vas afraid you vould say zat." Harold dragged the body of a dead, massive beast through the dirt of the forest. All was (relatively) well and good, until he heard an active rumbling from a nearby bush. He was about to draw his sword, but stopped himself when all he saw was a towheaded animal-woman looking at him with eyes full of curiosity. "Begone, poor soul," He said sympatheticaly. "There is nothing I can do for thee." He stopped in his tracks yet again, when from the same bush, emerged a pony with a white coat and blonde mane. The pony ran straight for the woman, but was stopped when he bumped into Harold's left boot. Before the pony could react, Harold swung around, caught him by the throat, and lifted him from the floor. "Huzzah! Another one! The others will be pleased!" CH10: Thomas The Tank Engine Dun Fucked Up_BOOTING UP _25% _79% _SYSTEM INITIATION COMPLETE _WELCOME TO THE ONI VIRTUAL DATABASE. PLEASE INDICATE SUBJECT OF INQUIRY Olypmus project _COULD NOT FIND SUBJECT "OLYPMUS PROJECT" Olympus project _THIS SUBJECT REQUIRES SPECIAL AUTHORIZATION TO BE ACCESSED, PLEASE INPUT YOUR ID TO CONFIRM AUTHORIZATION ******************* _DISPLAYING INFROMATION ON SUBJECT "OLYMPUS PROJECT" The Olympus Project is an elite "black operation" unit composed of thirteen augmented soldiers with superhuman abilities that surpass those of ONI Spartans. Funded by ONI Commander In Chief Miles Blackwood 33 years ago, the members of the Olympus Project get their abilities from high ammounts of self-authorized biochemical and biomechanical experimentations. It should also be noted that, as part of the experimentation, their lifespan has been increased by an average of 600-700 years, and their aging processes have slowed down accordingly. Their abilities are as follows: Ace Colburn (Codename "Zeus"): Biomechanical plasma rifle (Hands) Butch Goldman (Codename "Hermes"): Superhuman speed and agility Diesel Incaendio (Codename "Apollo"): Biochemical flamethrower (Hands, mouth) Harley Jarvis (Codename "Hera"): Regeneration Hunter Zimmerman (Codename "Poseidon"): Control of cellular structure Jett York (Codename "Hades"): Cardiac arrest on contact with skin Robin North (Codename "Athena"): Computer-like brain power and thought speed Ryder Paine (Codename "Ares"): Superhuman strength Striker Mann (Codename "Hephaestus"): Manipulation of external and internal body temperature Angela Brooks (Codename "Aphrodite"): Shapeshifting Ingrid Bayonetta (Codename "Demeter"): Body status regulates on contact with skin Cynthia Zeddler (Codename "Artemis"): Biochemical liquid nitrogen sprayer (Hands, mouth) Zane Edgeworth (Codename "Chronos"): Cerebral manipulation Their current status is as follows: Ace Colburn: Awaiting Orders Butch Goldman: Awaiting Orders Diesel Incaendio: MIA Harley Jarvis: Awaiting Orders Hunter Zimmerman: Awaiting Orders Jett York: MIA Robin North: Awaiting Orders Ryder Paine: Awaiting Orders Striker Mann: Awaiting Orders Angela Brooks: MIA Ingrid Bayoneta: Awaiting Orders Cynthia Zeddler: MIA Zane Edgeworth: MIA As midnight claimed its place in the Equestrian sky, a single long-haired woman dressed in magically enhanced battle armor lifted her sword over her shoulder. Artemis listened closely to her earpiece, awaiting further instructions from Chronos. When he'd told her about the new arrival, she immediately put on the armor he looted for her from the Draconia Castle armory, and departed towards the entrance of the Everfree forest. The only problem was that she had been waiting for his instructions for what seemed like hours. Finally, after many hours of waiting, a sound emmanated itself from her earpiece. "Artemis, come in!" Demanded Chronos from the other side of the of the radiowave. "Chronos! Finally! What took you so long?!" Asked Artemis. "Sorry, I had to track down a couple of complications. A quintet, rather." "What do you mean?" She inquired. "It seems Apollo may have somehow managed to call for backup. I'm at the Friendship Express's railway's interception between Canterlot and Manehattan, there seem to be some corpses with bullet wounds here." Stated Chronos. "Are you sure they're bullet wounds?" She asked. "Definitely. There's some gunpowder residue on the corspes's foreheads, so either the ponies have invented firearms, or Apollo's called for backup with a really poor taste in weaponry." Informed Chronos. "Do they have anything on them worth looting?" She asked once more. "No, but what they do have are spatulas sticking out of their rectu-" "OOOOOOOOOKAY! I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!" Stuttered Artemis through her microphone. "Anyway." Chronos began. "If the train hasn't decreased in speed since its departure, then there's no chance Apollo's backup will have had a chance to jump off the train. It's currently headed in your direction, so I'm gonna need you to work your "magic" on the railings. Don't forget to use the little gift I gave you." A smile crossed Artemis's lips as she understood what Chronos's plan was, "Got it." she replied. She removed the shoulder-length steel gauntlet covering her left arm and stuck it to the back of her armor, revealing the broken, bandaged, chipped robotic arm she'd received after she lost the original about 23 years ago. She ran towards the nearby town of Ponyville, unnoticed by the very few ponies still awake, and eventually arrived at the Ponyville Train station, which was located right next to the border of the forest. She kneeled down facing the train rails, and extended her arms towards them. "Let's see if it still works" She thought to herself. Two small hatches on the bases of her palms opened up, revealing the pipeworks that ran all the way across her arms. Then, after some cogging and whirring sounds, from those hatches emerged two mighty streams of liquid nitrogen, effectively deep-freezing the tracks. She stomped down hard on them, causing them to shatter into many pieces. She then created an ice ramp that faced the Everfree where the rails used to be. "Alright, it's done. What now?" Asked Artemis through her microphone. "Good, now put your christmas present to good use." Chronos replied. Right after he said that, Artemis noticed a bright light approaching her fast. "ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED!" Considering that he's now following Dropbearius, Alexander was unsurprised when he was woken up by these words. Everyone on top of the train who was not already awake came to their senses. "What the fuck do you want Dropbearius?" Advocated Pitka in his strong Estonian accent. "We're nearly at the train stop mates! Grab your dongers and mollies and get ready to jump off." Said Dropbearius The now awake gang readied themselves, but as they got closer to the train station, they started to make out a bipedal figure in the railtracks. Heading straight for the train, Artemis got a running start, and when she was right in front of it, she jumped as hard as she could. She landed atop the speeding train with an acrobatic rollout to preserve her momentum, which she used to approach the five men on the back of the train. Dropbear and the faze clan skrubs other heroes looked quizzically at the woman running towards them, but they didn't have time to react, for the moment she got near them she fired off individual streams of liquid nitrogen at their feet, sticking them frozen to the train. She didn't stop her run though, as when she was done freezing their feet, she headed straight for the backside of the train, where she planted a relatively large circular pad with a long beak-like chute. Afterwards, she jumped off of the train, landing once again with a rollout. She turned around, a smile smeared on her face, to watch the events that were about to unfold. The train eventually hit the bent ice ramp, and when it did, the circular pad on its backside fired off an impressive stream of fire, sending the train flying very far into the everfree forest. "Pentaerythritol tetranitrate engine, never gets old." Artemis thought to herself. "What have you done to her you fiends?!" Before Apollo (Or anyone else for that matter) could respond, a flying train approached the campsite from the sky at a ludicrous amount of speed. *CRASH* The scene was horrible, pieces and chunks of stallions, mares, fillies and colts alike littered the clearing. Broken parts of train stabbed the ground, one even impaling the upper half of a filly that was making a futile attempt to cling to life. Apollo slowly rose from the ground. Every other human was knocked out, but according to his heartrate readings, not dead. His eyes found rest atop a grey velvety hand sticking out from a pile of ashes. This hand belonged to Dropbearius, who, after unburrying himself, commented out loud: "Man, what a trainwreck!" *ba dum tss*
CH1: Meetings Location: - Mongolian Fields A.D 1294 Was this it? Was all that he had fought for in vain? Sir Harold the Conqueror stared across the massacre. Smoldering carcasses and lifeless bodies littered the battleground. The templar's plans to attack the mongols began merely 41 minutes ago, and already they had their fates sealed. "Oh, lord in heaven" Thought Sir Harold as he lay on the ground, "Why have you foresaken us so? Have our actions not pleased you? Have we foresaken our sacred code?". Almost halfway through the skirmish, Sir Harold had been caught by surprise when he recieved a poison dart to the neck. 5 minutes after that, he found that he couldn't move. He always boasted about how his armor made him invincible, but alas, an invincible warrior was no use if he couldn't stand up. He looked up at the sky, the dark, storm cloud filled sky. He knew it was over, without him, his fellowship wouldn't hold out much longer, and he wasn't getting up any time soon. All he could do was wait until the grim reaper took him with his cold, boney hands. "Oh, lord in heaven" He managed to whisper, "Take me into your warm embrace!". As if on cue, a red lightning bolt roared down from the heavens, striking Sir Harold and ending his time in this world. There, were the mightiest of warriors used to be, lay now nothing but the grass and dirt that dotted the battleground. Location: Everfree forest A.C 1541 "Hey, he's waking up." "How can you tell, eh?" "My sensors are picking up cerebral activity correspondent to that of someone that's conscious" "What are you, a computer, eh?" "..... Was that supposed to be funny?" Harold could feel himself coming to. He tried moving, but immediately regretted it, as a jolt of pain rushed through his entire body, letting out a faint, but audible, groan. "Gah...!" "Don't strain yourself, you'll only make it worse, eh." "Try standing up, but slowly and carefully! Seeing no other choice, Harold slowly put one hand on the ground, then the other, and finally lifted himself onto his feet. What he saw, he wasn't expecting. He was in what appeared to be a rather quaint hut, but half of it was torn off and exposed to the elements of nature. Outside he could see that he was located in a forest clearing, wherein his eyes found a massive beast of a ship. But there was something wrong about it, smoke was bellowing out of it's every pore, and it didn't look like it was meant to sail on sea. In front of him were a young man, probably in his twenties, wearing a full set of matching green clothes (That, to be honest, looked quite comfortable) with mustard yellow hair and bright yellow eyes. And a red-haired woman, clad from neck to toe in the sturdiest looking set of armor he had ever layed eyes upon (That is, apart from his) Behind them, lying dead on the ground, was a small blue horse (pony?) with a horn, being constantly shaken by a naked, red haired woman with a collar that looked like it belonged upon a dog. This alone generated a miriad of questions within Harold's head. "I know what you're thinking" said the blonde man "And trust me when I say that I am just as confused as you are". "Who.... who are you?" asked Harold slowly. "I am Apollo, Apollo Incaendio" Said he, then he pointed to the armored woman, "And this is.....". "Yes?" Inquired the woman "And this is....?" "......I forgot your name." "What do you mean you forgot my name? You made me introduce myself twice, eh!" "It's not my fault that you insist I refer to you by a number." "Uuuughh..." The woman held the bridge of her nose, clearly irritated. "Not that I don't appreciate your ramblings" Intervened Harold "But will any of you please tell me WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS GOING ON?!" The woman covered her ears at his yelling, the man who called himself Apollo stood firmly, looking at him with judging eyes. "That's what we've been trying to figure out" Said Apollo "I was in the middle of a very important assignment, when a red thunderbolt strikes out to me from the middle of nowhere. Next thing I know i'm being woken up by a midget unicorn, being told how "He was my master now" and how I "better not try to escape". At first I couldn't believe my eyes, so I just kind of stood there in shock. But then he busted out that there lady" He pointed towards the naked woman "When I saw her, tongue sticking out like a dog, attached to a collar, depraved of any clothes or morals, I may have, uhh, lost my temper..." Harold raised an eyebrow under his helmet. "When you say you lost your temper, what do you mean?" Apollo simply jerked his thumb towards the carcass of the pony. Upon closer inspection, Harold noticed that it's fur was singed, and part of it was burned off. It was quite obvious now what Apollo meant. "Anyway" Apollo continued. "When I set him on fire, he started running around like a headless chicken. His horn started glowing a bright crimson, and when it started glowing too bright for me to tolerate, a beam of energy shot out from it, tearing through the roof and into the sky." "I'll pick up from there, eh." Said the armored woman. "I found myself knocked out in the corner of this hut after, err... losing consciousness, eh." Harold noticed that as she said this, her face contorted in discomfort. She wasn't teling him everything he wanted to know. "Apollo here helped me up, and I introduced myself as Pat-086, eh." She said, giving Apollo a stern look "A few moments after that, we heard a loud growl-like sound, and then that spaceship there tore through half of the hut in a crash landing, eh!" She said, pointing to the strange ship outside the hut. "Then" Picked up Apollo "You just kind of, blinked into existance in front of our eyes." Harold looked at both of them with doubt and apprehention in his eyes. "Interesting tale" He said "But is it a real one?" "I don't know" Said Pat "You tell me, eh." Harold hesitated, they could be telling a lie. But the environment he found himself in proved their story to be true. He didn't like it, but he had no choice but to believe them. "Who might you be, eh?" Asked Pat. "I am Harold" He said "Sir Harold the Conqueror, and you will refer to me as such!"
CH2: Chronological Conondrums“On other pressing matters: What are we going to do about her, eh?” Pat pointed to the naked woman, crying beside the body of her so called “master”. “I don’t think she can understand us” Said Apollo. “Her brain waves are fully functional, yet they are very weak." “Couldn’t that just mean that she suffers from autism, eh?” Asked Pat. “Nope. Autistic people’s brainwaves aren’t weaker, they’re just different, hell, sometimes they’re actually stronger than normal people’s brainwaves, but that’s beside the point.” “What is this talk about brain waves?” Sir Harold inquired, curious as to the topic of the current conversation. “It’s a long story.” Replied Apollo “We have time.” Said Harold “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we don’t currently have any goals in mind.” “….Fine” Apollo sighed, “I’m part of the Olympus project. It’s this little thing that ONI put together with the goal of making robotically enhanced super-soldiers. Apart from physical enhancements and bio-robotic weapons, like the flamethrowers in my hands, the 12 of us who volunteered have small super-computers connected to our hippocampus. From there, we can send these computers requests for calculations, scans, etc. They’re also connected to our optic nerves, so we have HUDs in our sight that show us our temperatures, blood levels, energy levels and a small heat sensor map” He had lost Harold at "ONI”. “Interesting” Pat stroked her metaphorical beard “And who exactly funded this project, eh?” “Miles Blackwood” He replied “Who?” Apollo slowly turned to face Pat “Miles Blackwood. You know, the ONI commander in chief?” Pat had a confused look plastered on her face “No, that’s Serin Osman, eh.” Apollo looked shocked, what was this girl talking about? Serin Osman had been dead for years! “…No, the order of the CiCs of ONI was and is: Margaret Parangosky, Serin Osman, Steven Armstrong, George Sears, and then Miles Blackwood.” “… Apollo, I have to ask, and I mean it with all sincerity: Where can I get whatever you’ve been smoking, eh? Serin Osman is and has been the head of ONI since 2559 ‘till the present day, eh!” Apollo looked at Pat with a facial expression that could be summed up with the words “The fuck?” “And just what might the present day be?” He asked Pat frowned “July 23rd, 2568 A.D, eh!” Had Harold been drinking anything, he would’ve done a spit-take. “Excuse me?!” He blurted out “‘Tis apparent that you have either received a good knock upside the pate, or have partaken in too many a glass of liquor! The present date is December 3rd, Year of our Lord 1294!” “No, no, no!” Shouted Apollo. “What kind of crack are you on?! Both of you have got your calendars way off track…unless…” “You don’t think we’re from different time periods, do you?” He inquired. “It’s a possibility, eh.” Pat had just about given up on logic at this point. Her brain could barely take in the fact that there was a dead midget unicorn inside of a hut that was ripped open by an old school space vessel. "SETZEN SIE IHRE HANDE HINTER DEN KOPF! JETZT!" The group turned around to see a tall, white man wearing a black uniform set and a black hat pointing a gun at them from outside the hut. A total of 11 badges decorated his lapel, he was also wearing a red armband with a black swastika inside a white circle. It didn't take long for Pat and Apollo to recognize the outfit. "Nazi!" Apollo spat out that one word with more venom than a scorpion has in its tail. "ICH SAGTE-" Apollo interrupted him before he could continue. "Wenn Sie nicht setzen die Waffe nach unten, ich werde haben in den Arsch treten!" The Nazi looked appalled, he wasn't expecting resistance. "Sie sind Juden?" Asked the Nazi Apollo gave him a defiant look. "Was, wenn wir waren?" "Ich müsste eine Kugel in den Schädel Ketzer zu setzen!" He replied He hated the context in which he was about to speak, but he didn't want to be shot either. "Entspannen Sie sich! Wir sind keine Juden!" The Nazi looked the group up and down, giving Harold a longer look, and then finally lowered the gun. "Wo bin ich?" "Speak in English, these 2 don't speak German!" Apollo had a look of contained contempt on his face. The Nazi wasn't relaxed, but at least he wasn't ballistic now. "Where am I?" He asked. After a quick explanation, the Nazi looked understandably shocked, but after analyzing his current situation, he finally gave in and holstered his pistol. "It's hard to believe, but I suppose I have no choice but to trust you" He said. Harold kept his stern look. "What's your name, lad?" "Johan Roehm, loyal soldier to mein Fuhrer, SIEG HE-" "Finish that sentence and I will personally eviscerate you, then use you as a coat, eh!" Pat tried to hide her disgust towards the newcomer, but her face and words betrayed her. Horribly. "What's with all the hostility?" He asked. Harold seconded that. "Yes, I too would like to know why you hold a man you have just met hatred." "It's complex, eh." Replied Pat. The awkwardness between the group grew denser, as its four members searched in their minds for something to say. The day was starting to turn to night, and the smoke coming out of the spaceship created a makeshift beacon for the world to see. The four people next to it however, hadn't realized it yet. "What's with the naked girl?" asked Johan. "That is the matter we were trying to resolve before you burst in" Replied Harold The girl was short and hairy, her long red hair reached down to the back of her knees. She was sitting down beside her "master", almost like she was mourning him, or waiting for him to wake up. She didn't know what to do, her master was now dead, who was going to give her orders now? She lived to follow orders! But now she had none to follow! "Can we keep her, eh?" Asked pat excitedly. "I wouldn't consider that wise, what if she's dangerous?" Johan wasn't one for assuming things, that's how people ended up dead. "Come on! She's got the brain integrity of a dog, eh! She could make a good companion, eh!" Pat slowly walked up to the girl, kneeled, and then snapped her collar open. "I shall name you... Free Spirit, eh!" As soon as she said this, the girl stood up as best as her spine would let her, and then ran off into the forest that sorrounded the hut. "... Or you could run away, that works too, eh..." Harold and Apollo shared a short-lived laugh at Pat's newfound misery, while Johan cracked a small grin. Location: Canterlot Sewers Sir Faustin woke up with a start. Where was he? The last thing he remembered was having a spiffing cuppa tea with his good friend Henry Gladstone. However did he end up in a sewer system? "I say! It smells possitively errant in here!" He thought to himself, his nose wincing in disgust. Before he could mentally protest any further, a group of two quadrupedal creatures approached him from the shadows. "Will you look at that, Steel Ace! It's one of them fancy clothed humans! Must belong to some posh nobles..." Said the first of the two ponies with a low-class scottish accent. "It certainly is, Drain Rush!" Followed up the second one. "Looks like this is our lucky day!" "Oh dear!" thought Sir Faustin. "It seems I've gotten myself into quite the pickle!"
CH3: The Koala Empire Location: Mobius Airspace Music Nefarius Dropbearius, the ultimate supervillain, had finally succeeded in collecting the 7 chaos emeralds, turning him into "Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen". Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen strolled down the halls of the Koala Egg Mk.IIX. In his hand's grasp lay a collar to which the ex-mighty Ivo Robotnik found himself connected. In his other hand was yet another collar, this one was connected to Sonic the hedgehog, the fastest thing alive. Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen switched Robotnik's collar to his left hand, and used his free hand to snap his fingers. A giant crystal column erected itself from a newly made opening on the massive spaceship's floor. Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen wrapped both collars around this collumn, leaving Sonic and Robotnik to wallow there like waiting puppies. He stared out through one of the many massive windows in his colossus of a space vessel. All he could see was Mobius, the planet which, in only a matter of minutes, would belong to him. His plan to make every living and non-living thing on planet Mobius his loyal Bitch was almost at an end, all he had to do was activate his magnum opus: The "Koalizer 600K" and he would add yet another planet to his mighty Koala Empire. He headed to the control room, he could smell the glory of his Weapon of Mass Convertion from where he was already. As he walked through the hallways, he thought of all those who died for the glory of the Koala Empire. Like his dog Fido. Finally, after 10 minutes of walking through glorious halls of vulcanized crystal, he made it to the 900 Mile long doors that guarded the fruits of his work. Inside he found the Koalizer 600K, fully charged and ready to fire. This brought a smile to his face, but none would've been able to tell, as his full body Koala Suit covered every inch of his body in glorious grey velvet.... Don't look at me like that! It was expensive! He walked up to the Koalizer and felt up every inch of her sexy, sexy Titanium coating. "Oh baby, you're the only one for me." He said. He looked down at the control panel of the massive weapon, it was designed after an arcade machine. He liked arcade machines. Arcade machines were the shit. He lifted his hand, ready to press the massive yellow button that would expand his reign, but suddenly met the really stronge urge to take a shit. "MENTLEGEN!" He yelled. 6 Koalas in space uniforms jet-packed their way down from compartments on the ceiling. These were his henchmen. "I have found myself with a strong urge to defecate, I will excuse myself to the bathroom for a short while. Until such moment in which I return, you are to guard the Koalizer 600K from any and all intruders." All 6 Koalas saluted in unison, and then pulled their laser rifles from hammer-space. "Good" Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen continued to produce manure from his rear end. He couldn't stop, he had accumulated too much feculence in his intestines. "Mayhaps eating North Korea wasn't the best of ideas" He thought to himself. Just when Super Mega Ultra Hyper Ultimate Climax Almighty Cogent Supreme Messiah Dropbearius: The Fallen thought his barrage of excrement was over, his toilet started glowing red. Before he could do anything about it though, he was sucked into it, drifting away into the adventure of a lifetime. A.C 1541 - Everfree Forest Music "Shit, it's locked, eh." Johan, Pat, Apollo and Harold had decided that investigating the crashed starship seemed like a good starting point in their search for answers. "How can you tell?" Asked Harold "Because it won't fucking open, eh!" "To be fair, that was a stupid question" Said Johan "This is getting us nowhere. Make way!" Harold walked up to the Spaceship's main door, unsheathed his sword, and with a powerful vertical swing sliced it open. "Scheiße!" Johan spouted. "What the fick is that thing made of?!" "I do not know" He replied "I found it one day during an expedition along with this armor, I have been using both of them ever since." "Huh" After much searching around, the crew stumbled upon the cockpit, or rather, what was left of it. The pilot seat was missing, and there was a ripped piece of cloth hanging from a pipe on the ceiling. Apollo tried to take it down, but the wind entering from the cracked windows beat him to it. It fell down to the ground very slowly. The crew didn't take long in putting two and two together. "Whoever was piloting this ship ejected before it was too late, eh. Unfortunately, I don't think his landing was too smooth anyway, eh." Pat said, holding up the ripped piece of parachute. "IS ANYPONY THERE?!" The group turned towards the new voice, it came from behind the ship. They quickly scurried out through the back exit, only to find a group of about 100 ponies that looked exactly the same except for one. Most of them where light blue, with white manes and tails and purple armour. The only one who stood out was the one leading the group: A tall, mint green pegasus with a dark green mane and tail, wearing dark purple armor. "Bah, it's only a flock of humans" Said the one leading the group. "Stand down stallions!" Before any of them could do just that, Pat pointed one of her guns at the leader. "You would be wise to do the opposite, eh." The stallion was flabbergasted. "Sweet Celestia! It speaks!" Apollo raised both of his hands, making his palms face the ponies. "You're going to answer our questions, or else!" The stallion was stumped for about 15 seconds, and then burst out laughing. "Why would we do that?" He asked between giggles. Johan lifted up his rifle "Because" he started. "If you don't, we'll be forced to paint the trees red with your blood!" The stallion simply smiled. "Stallions, attack!"
CH4: An Open Can of Whoop-Ass Location: Ponyville It was wintertime around Equestria, Hearth's Warming Eve was right around the corner. Snow fell down from the sky like there was no tomorrow. However, even though the snowfall was hard today, the small village was full of activity. Ever since the creation of Ponyville Castle, the streets of Ponyville were brimming with tourists. A sight much foreign to its residents, who normally saw tourists around two times per year. This particular day however, came a very special tourist. Prince Blueblood pranced his way downtown, he didn't normally visit rural villages, ever, but this was a special occasion! After all, Ponyville had just become a hexarchy, and was soon to become the third capital of Equestria, along with Canterlot and the Crystal Empire (Why a city was called an empire was beyond him). He was aware that.... certain mare resided in ponyville. He was hoping he'd get the chance to meet her again and apologize for his actions that one night a long time ago. After that eventful gala, his aunt Celestia had made him take a "class on humility" as she described it, since then he'd seen the errors of his previous lifestyle, but he still had a long way to go. At the very least, he was a reformed stallion now... ... Right? As he walked down the street, he was stopped by a little colt who grabbed at his right foreleg, he looked down at him. The colt was white and covered in both dirt and snow, a used rag was draped over his skinny back to protect him from the cold. "Please mister, could you spare a bit?" He asked in a soft, squeaky voice. Blueblood almost swatted him away out of reflective instinct, but stopped short of lifting his hoof. "Deep breaths Blueblood, deep breaths" After 3 or 4 seconds of breathing, Blueblood reached around for his saddlebag, pulled out a silver bit, and hoofed it over to the beggar colt, who looked at it with both surprise and awe in his eyes. "A whole silver bit?" He asked, afraid that this was another one of those bit-and-string pranks ponies liked to pull on him. "...Think nothing of it" Blueblood scurried off before any more beggars appeared to take his money instead of earning it for themselves.... ...No. He shouldn't think like that, he had to constantly remind himself that poverty was not a result of laziness, but of misfortune. We didn't have the privilege of choosing who to be before entering this world, if we did, everypony would be rich. Further down the street, he could see it, Ponyville Castle. It wasn't as big or imposing as, say, Canterlot Castle or the Crystal Castle, but it was still a sight to behold. Once he was at the entrance, he gave a letter to the guards. Upon reading it, they raised their spears to make way for him. A maid guided him to his temporary guest room. Once they got there, Blueblood thanked the maid and got to unpacking his saddlebags. But as the she started to walk away, he stopped her. "Excuse me, but there was an extra "package" that was to be "delivered" separately. Where might it be?" His question was answered when he was tackled by a white as snow woman with light blonde hair. "Ah! Towhead! There you are!" Blueblood cared about his human more than anything else in the world. Towhead might've actually been his first and only friend. The maid smiled slowly, before walking away. Location: Everfree Forest Music "Stand back, I will handle this" As 100 ponies charged towards the small group of humans, Harold drew his sword back to his side, took in a deep breath, and swung his blade horizontally as fast as his arm would let him. A blue beam of energy, shaped like the path the sword followed, propelled itself into the group of ponies, slicing a total of 80 legs straight out of their owner's bodies. The other 3 humans looked at Harold's sword with child-like wonder and amazement in their eyes. "Heilige Scheiße, ich will das!" Apollo whispered to himself The remaining able soldiers were flabbergasted, they couldn't process the fact that a human had completely disabled 20 soldiers in one swift movement. The leader of the group, who was watching from a safe distance, wasn't having a better time believing it either. After six or seven seconds, he snapped out of his stuppor and bellowed to his squad. "USE YOUR MAGIC, ATTACK FROM A DISTANCE!" The squad stopped advancing, and instead went back a few steps. The humans watched as 79 horns lit up and launched 79 blue energy blasts, each the size of a jumbo beach ball. They were too fast, the humans didn't have time to react. However, as they soon found out, they didn't need it. Upon contact with the humans, the bolts of magic reversed their direction, and sent 79 ponies sprawling to the ground. The only pony remaining was the leader, who was currently speechless. 99 stallions, 99 bucking stallions had been defeated by a group of 4 humans, that had literaly done nothing more then swing a sword ONCE. "You guys get back to investigating the ship, I've got this one." Apollo said. Following his commands, Harold, Pat and Johan scurried back to the ship. "Alright asshole, let's see what you've got!" Apollo put his open hands together, connected by the base of his palms. "What was the name of that one move from that 20th century videogame again?" He thought to himself "Ah, right!" "HADOUKEN!" A spherical conjunction of flames erupted from Apollo's hands, engulfing the pegasus in fire. He started thrashing about like a child who got an extra hour in the ball pit. After some time, Apollo came up to him and kicked him until the fire was out. The pegasus lay there, scorched and beaten, unable to move out of sheer pain. "You are going to answer all of our questions, do I make myself clear?" The pegasus nodded with tears in his eyes. Location: Canterlot Sound As I dragged the dead body of the pegasus through an alleyway, I remembered the "peculiar" type of introduction I introduced myself with. A frown appeared on my face as I saw the event replay in my head. "Now now, little mare, you're going to do what I tell you to, or your filly gets it!" "NO! PLEASE! DON'T HURT HER!" "Quiet!" *Smack* "Now, If you don't want me to hurt her, then get on your haunches and start sucking!" "Please.... leave us alone!" The criminal raised his hoof once again, only to find he couldn't quite bring it down. He turned around and saw me, who, to him, looked like a monstrous bipedal figure, clad in black and grey, holding his hoof. ".... What the hell are you?!" The only response I graced that question with was.... "...Gasman" That was the last thing he'd hear in his miserable life, no one could survive getting their skull cracked open by my fist.
CH5: Rapey DolphinsAs the sun began to set in the horizon, Johan and Apollo arranged a small room in the crashed ship. It's only light source was now a small, broken window. "Now" Said Johan "You are going to tell us all zat you know about zis place, or else, you are going to learn a lot about hell first hand." "First things first" Said Apollo "What's your name?" The pegasus, bound in ropes taken from the ship's cargo bay, kept his mouth (snout?) shut. Johan quickly grabbed his pocket knife and put it's edge to one of his wings, removing any and all willingness to resist from the pegasus. "Ve vill ask again. Vat. Is. Your. Name?" The stallion whimpered a bit before answering. "Ch...Chainmail" "Is that your codename?" Inquired Apollo. "N-no, that's my name, Chainmail." Apollo spun the thought around in his head for a bit, then decided it didn't realy matter. "Alright, I gather that humans here aren't intelligent, correct?" Chainmail nodded his head. "Alright, and I suppose that you horses-" "Ponies" He corrected. Johan inched his knife closer to Chainmail's wing. "Does he look like he gives a shit?" He asked. Chainmail shook his head nervously. "Anyway, I assume you ponies domesticated these humans, right?" He nodded again. "I see, what uses do they serve you?" Chainmail nervously looked left and right, as if he was pretending not to have heard the question. "I understand you zink ve'll be angry if you tell us" Said Johan. "But ve vill be even angrier if you don't." Chainmail took in a deep breath he didn't know he needed. "In Epona, humans are used by all species as farm animals, pets, work animals, food, and..." "Yes?" Inquired Apollo. "And...?" "....Sex" The moment that one word escaped the pegasus's lips, Apollo felt his rage rise to it's highest since he came here. And then, after a few seconds, it was gone. He'd learned to control it over the years. Taking in a deep breath, Apollo continued his questioning. "You said "all species", how many more species are there?" Chainmail blinked, for a second there he thought he was about to meet his maker. "Umm... there are us ponies, we recide in Equestria. There's also the griffons from Aevia, the minotaurs from Gaia, the dragons from Ragnarok, the donkeys, who are nomadic, the buffalos from the plains of Appleloosa, the diamond dogs from Felis, and the dolphins from Pacifica" Apollo and Johan both raised their eyebrows at that last one. "How can dolphins use humans?" asked Apollo "Don't they live underwater?" "They do, but they use a sub-breed of humans called mermen. They're also the only race who use humans exclusively for sex" "Should've fucking known" He muttered to himself "We're getting off track, what can you tell me about the ponies?" "Well..." He began "There are four kinds of ponies: Earth ponies, pegasi, unicorns and alicorns. The latter of which there are only four. Earth ponies are especially strong, pegasi can fly, unicorns can use magic, and alicorns are a mix of all three, but on much higher levels." "Alright, what level of technology do you have?" Chainmail smiled "We're the most technologically advanced species out there! We could out-progress any nation in the world!" "Really?" Asked Johan "Vat's ze most recent zing you have invented?" "About 4 months ago, we invented a garnet you can wear on your snout to correct bad vision! We call it the eyeglass." Apollo stopped, blinked, and then broke out into histerical laughter along with Johan. As they rolled on the floor, sides aching, the pony wondered just what was so funny. "He- hey, look at *gasp* look at me, I invented the eyeglass i'm so adva-hahahAHAHAHAHAAAAH!!!" Apollo managed to get out before continuing his laughing fit. "Oh mein Gott. Meine Seiten! Mein verdammtes Seiten!" Johan choked out. After about three or four minutes of uncontrollable laughter, Apollo and Johan found themselves back in their places, mocking grins stilled plastered on their mouths. "Ohhh, excuse us for zat little moment, ve just couldn't process how pazetic yet grandiose zis entire planet is. Because if ponies are ze most advanced race in here, and zeir most recent invention is ze eyeglass" Johan said as he put the tip of his handgun to Chainmail's head. "Zen ve von't be needing your info anymore, all of you are truly and rightfully fucked!" *BANG* Location: Ponyville *BANG* Blueblood was interrupted from his little reunion by a loud noise proceeding from the Everfree Forest. Out of curiosity, he tightened his magical grip on Towhead's collar and headed outside, where he saw a guard addresing a conglomeration of concerned citizens. "Please stay calm, we can assure you that we have the situation under control!" Said the guard. "First it was the huge metal bird, now we're hearing loud noises without no clue as to what made them!" Protested a middle aged stallion in the crowd "If you really DO have it under control, then tell us what "it" is!" "We've already sent a squadron of guards to address the issue, they should be back soon with a full report." "What if it's a monster?" Pondered out loud a young mare "Are you gonna sit by while monsters threaten the town?!" "There ARE no monsters! Please go back to your regular routines!" The scene went on for a while, as one citizen after another made up a completely ridiculous theory and took it for fact. Blueblood watched on with intrigue until, sudenly, Towhead ran off towards the Everfree, catching Blueblood off guard and breaking his magical hold on her leash. After waking up from his stupor, Blueblood trotted after Towhead like there was no tomorrow, ignoring the fact that he was entering Epona's most dangerous forest. Location: Canterlot Sewers "Remind me again why I'm stuck with you buffoons?" Asked Gasman. "Because fornicate thee, that is why!" Replied Dropbearius. "I'd think it has something to do with the fact that we're all stuck in a city with talking horses who think we're someone's pets." Added Pitka "I have to agree with Pitka here" Intervened Faustin. "It isn't every day that you end up in a city of mythical proportions along with four strangers!" "Here here" Added Alexander. "You know" started Pitka "Since we found you, the only things you've said have been "no", "yes", "maybe" and "here here"" "I don't like to talk." Said Alexander "It's unnecessary." An awkward silence reigned over the group as they walked further into the sewers. Until Faustin spoke up. "What exactly are our plans? We still don't know what we are to do!" "There's five of us here, there's bound to be more." Replied Pitka "I suggest we keep going until we find the city border, then look for someone who knows something about this place." "That's the most logical sentence that's come out of this little ensamble" Commented Gasman. "Oh, silence thy harlote tongue, boy!" Reprimanded Dropbearius. "This is gonna be one of those days, isn't it?" Thought Alexander Location: ????? Captain's log Stardate: 874616.2669647387 I was awoken by a strong vibration. When I stepped out of my dorm, I noticed that my crew was nowhere to be seen. I looked out through the Renegade's main window, only to find that I was no longer traversing Sector 401, but rather, the Renegade was decending into the atmosphere of a planet that I'm certain was not supposed to be there. I tried to take direct control of the Renegade, only to find that her energy was completely drained, not a single electronic system was working. In a desperate attempt to evade a most painful death, I gathered my survival kit and utilized the Renegade's orbital skydiving module to land safely in an area that weren't too far away from the predicted crash-landing site. The moment I landed, I lost consciousness. Approximately five hours later, I woke up and started up the digital map in my multi-purpose wristband. Surely enough, this planet isn't registered in any known star sector. I have no choice but to explore the wilderness of this planet as I head back to the crash site. I can only hope for the best.
CH7: RevelationThis whole thing was not a happy situation for anyone, but Sir Harold took the matter with more rationality than the others . Don't get me wrong, the very idea of his entire race being turned into pets, work slaves and sex toys made his blood boil just as much as it did his newfound companions. However, throughout his life as a knight, he learned that anger only leads to reckless violence, and reckless violence only leads to death. Life is so short already, why make it shorter? Having to drag the heavy unconscious body of a pony AND the heavier dead body of the eight headed beast through the mud didn't help either. He was perfectly capable of doing it, mind you, but the less strength spent on mundane tasks the better. Another fact that bugged him was that the towheaded woman wouldn't leave him alone for the world. Almost as if she were bound to him. After about an hour, or an hour and a half, he saw it from the distance. The camp looked just like it did when he left to find food. Apollo was doing something to his arms with a screwdriver, Johan was taking a snooze, and Pat was chopping up the wood she brought back. "I bring both dinner and a potential information source!" Said Harold as he dumped the beast and the pony next to the ship. "Shit, another one?" Apollo jumped down from the roof of the ship. "You don't think they're sending spies after us, do you?" " 'Tis possible, yet I can confirm myself that there are no other settlements for miles. Were they, as you say, sending spies after us, they would take much longer to arrive." He replied "Well" Started Pat "Considering the fact that someone killed our first source of information, this comes in handy, eh! Tie him down to the same chair Apollo did the last one and keep watch on him until he wakes up, we'll bring you your share of dinner, eh." With a small nod, Harold hoisted the pony over his shoulder and went inside. "Vat ze hell is zat?!" Johann asked while looking at their new meal. "Massive body, multiple heads, reptilian... I'd call it a hydra." Said Apollo. "Is it safe to eat, eh?" "Hold on..." Apollo took a good look at the hydra and turned on his scanner. After a quick minute, his left eyeball went *ding*, and he spoke again. "Everything below the throat is edible, well, throats." He said as he chopped of it's necks. "We're gonna have to skin the bastard, this is gonna take a while." Location: ???? Captain Leonard J. Hawke, owner and captain of what was now the group's camp, was having a hard time adapting to the dangerous environment. While he could always kill any impending threat by setting his phaser to kill or desintegrate, he needed to conserve energy, lest he be stuck on an alien environment without any means of defense. And the two least energy consuming functions, stun and heat, didn't really seem to affect the ferocious local wildlife. From his estimations based on the distance of the rising smoke he could see, he was about 6 kilometres from the nearest settlement. Hopefully the translation function of his communicator would aid him in communicating with the natives. He could only hope that lady luck would be on his side for once. "It has been almost an hour, how long can one living creature stay unconscious?" Harold asked "I dunno, but I'm starting to get bored, eh." As if on cue, the pony started to come to, only to find himself strapped by ropes to a cold metal chair. When he regained his sences completely, he opened his eyes to find the four humas. "Where am I?" He thought out loud. "Bound to a chair? Dim light? Metal table? Am I being interrogated?" He looked to the side of the chair to find a make-shift copper lock. "Helloooooo! Anypony there?" He asked. He looked at Apollo, then at the keys in his hand. He tried grasping them with his magic, but for some reason or another, all he could accomplish was to cast his iconic light-blue aura on it. Then, an idea sprung to his head. He looked around for his saddlebag and found it resting in a corner. Using his magic, he pulled out a bacon shaped biscuit from it, and hung it in front of Apollo. "Are you hungry, boy? I'll give you the treat if you give me the key!" He said while enveloping the keys in his arcane aura, hoping the human would get it. "No thanks, I already had dinner" Apollo said with a sarcastic face. The moment he spoke up, Blueblood immediately dropped his hold on the biscuit, the king of all shocked looks adorning his face. "You can t-" "YES we can talk!" He yelled out. "Honestly, the question's only been asked once so far and it's already gotten old!" Blueblood stared at the four humans for a while, then he shook his head. No time for initial shock, there's things going down! "... What ARE you?" "Vat does it look like?" Asked Johann. "We're humans!" "Humans don't talk!" Responded Blueblood. "They're fairly intelligent, for animals, BUT THEY DON'T TALK!" "Perhaps your version of humans do not" Counterargumented Harold. "But we are not from here." "Not from here? Whatever do you mean?" "We mean that we're from a world where humans are the dominant species." Replied Apollo Blueblood took a moment to picture that, a whole world where humans lead happy lives, and didn't have to buckle under the whims of ponykind... that's the kind of world he'd like Towhead to live in... Wait a second... "Hold on, where's Towhead?" Apollo raised his eyebrow. "If Towhead is the woman you were chasing, then we allowed her to rest by the fire outside." Blueblood calmed down a bit, at least she was safe. "What about me?" He asked. "What are you going to do to me?" "For ze moment, nozing" Contested Johann "But know zat our ultimate goal here is to liberate all humans, and to do zat ve're going to need information, vich you vill provide to us." Apollo took his time to ask something a little bit out of plan. "I can see that you are heavily attached to that woman. Would you be willing to cooperate with us in our mission to liberate humanity? We could really use a magic user" Blueblood took some time again to contemplate what he was being asked. Throughout his childhood, the only friend he had ever had was Towhead, she was the only one who would genuinely stay by his side when he was sad. Maybe that's why he felt such a strong connection to humans in general. This was his chance to go one step further from animal's rights protestor, to animal's rights enforcer! "... I would be honored! How can I help?" Everyone raised an eyebrow, they weren't actually expecting him to accept. "Well..." Apollo begun. "You can begin by teling us all you know about magic and this world's humans." "Alright then...." He drew in a deep breath. "As far as we ponies are concerned, magic is a force inherent to this world, it resides within every being, living or non-living. It can be used either through mental force, like levitating or manipulating, or it can be used in spells, which require the user to think of a specific set of runes in their head, and channel them through their horn." "Tell us more about these runes, eh." "Nopony really knows where they're from or what they mean, but they're words formed by an alphabetic-like system that, when organized correctly, create spells. The more runes a spell contains, the more magic is needed to cast it. Nopony has actually been able to translate the meaning of the words, but we call the language itself "runic"." "As for humans... they are an interesting bunch, they are way smarter than any other animal, even if they're not quite sapient. They were brought here by Princess Celestia about 30 years ago, they were also-" "Woah woah woah woah woah!" Apollo broke. "Care to repeat that?" "They were brought into Equestria about 20 years ago by Princess Celestia." Said Blueblood. "Explain" Ordered Johann. "31 years ago, Princess Celestia declared that she would create a new animal that all nations would be able to use as a replaceable work-force. Half a year later, during the Summer Sun Celebration, she cast a spell that she inscribed in a stone tablet. About half an hour later, humans started popping up all over the world. A few days later, planet Epona had it's new work force. After that, Celestia donated the stone tablet to the Royal Canterlot Museum Of Magic And Arcane Arts." The four humans were stunned, none of them knew what to make of this. "Is there any way we can see the stone tablet?" Asked Harold "Well..." Blueblood wondered if he should... "There's this one spell called the Snapping spell, which lets you capture an image of what you're seeing the moment you cast it, then transfer it into paper or any other surface in the form of magic-generated paint. I recently went to the CMOMAAA myself, I took a snap spell of all the exhibits, including the tablet..." Apollo wasted no time in slamming his hands down on the metal table. "Show us. Now." A little bit frightened, blueblood concentrated his magic energy into his horn, from which a multicolor beam of light shot out into the metal table, creating an image of a stone tablet with runic inscriptions. Σε αυτό το πολύ την ημέρα και ημερομηνία. Θα πρέπει να τροποποιηθεί, τις χορδές της μοίρας. για μια αυτοκρατορία για τη βελτίωση, ένα άλλο πρέπει να θυσιαστεί. παρόμοιο με το πώς να δοκιμάσουν την τύχη τους, πρέπει κανείς να ρίξει τα ζάρια. ξεκινώντας από σήμερα, οι άνθρωποι θα χάσουν τον έλεγχο του σώματός τους. αναγκασμένοι να παρακολουθούν ως πόνυ κατάχρηση τους, όπως ένα χόμπι. Με το μυαλό τους ότι θα ρίξει πολλά δάκρυα, που θα αμυδρό φως και αιχμαλωτίζουν το βλέμμα. Αλλά αυτό δεν θα έχει σημασία, για κανείς δεν θα ακούσει. Αναγκασμένος να είναι και να αισθάνονται πρωτόγονη. Κλάμα από το πίσω μέρος του μυαλού τους. Που πωλούνται από την δωδεκάδα. Ή πωλούνται από τα εννέα. After taking a closer look at it, Pat spoke up. "It looks like Greek to me, eh." "Vat does it mean?" Asked Johann. "Hold on, I'm setting my translator to speaker mode." Said Apollo Suddenly, from Apollo's ears, a robotic female voice spoke up. In this very day and date. Shall be amended, the strings of fate. For one empire to improve, another must be sacrificed. Much like how to try their luck, one must throw the dice. Starting from now, people will lose control of their body. Forced to watch as ponies abuse them as a hobby. In their minds they will shed many tears, which will glimmer and glisten. But that will not matter, for no one will listen. Forced to be and feel primitive. Crying from the back of their mind. Sold by the dozen, or sold by the nine. Silence reigned in the dimly lit room. All that could be heard was Apollo's metallic arm shaking in pure rage, eventually applying so much force that the keys to Blueblood's lock he held in his hand penetrated it's titanium alloy, making a wound from where a mixture of blood, coolant, and other fluids dripped down into the floor. It was a long time until Apollo spoke up. "Get your weapons ready, we've got regicide to do."
CH8: Muh Shep!Apollo, Harold, Pat, Johann, and the newest addition to the fray; Blueblood, all sat down in front of the bonfire right outside the shipwreck. Silence reigned supreme as the quintet (Yes, that's a word) gazed in boredom and sorrow at the small sparks of fire that rose up into the night sky. "We require a plan." Stated Harold "We cannot go into battle with one who was able to teleport several kingdoms at once so easily, not yet at least." "True," Replied Johann "her armies should be ze easiest to vipe out, but if she is as poverful as her actions speak of her, then ve're going to need a less direct approach." "Not possible." Broke Blueblood "She's an alicorn, alicorn magic runs through their blood, and any being that posseses alicorn magic can't be injured. The moment an alicorn suffers any type of damage, their wounds will heal themselves almost instantly." "Welp. There goes all chance of subduing her, eh." "Isn't there any way to deprive her of this magic?" Asked Apollo. "No. Contrary to the dwellers of yours, from what you've told me; inhabitants of this world simply can't not have magic of any type. It's against the rules of this universe. However, it is possible to swap out one's inherent magic for another type. Albeit that requires very ancient knowledge, the likes of only individuals like King Sombra might know." "Where might we find this king you speak of?" Asked Harold. "It is complicated, he was defeated about two years ago, when he tried to take over the Crystal Empire, he was turned into crystal and shattered into six parts by the Crystal Heart. His parts where then distributed, one for each major kingdom to protect, so that he might never resurect again. His resurection is, however, still theoretically plausible, if one or many were to gather his parts, they could use the magic of the Crystal Heart to bring him back." "So basically," started Apollo while he wrapped a bandage around his hand."all we have to do is go to the different kingdoms and gather up his parts, do the thingy thing with the crystal macguffin, then convince him to swap out celestia's magic so that we might subdue her into undoing the spell. Right?" "In a nutshell, yes." Blueblood looked up at the sky, wondering if he was doing the right thing helping this lot. "You seem unusally compliant." Added Johann "From vhat I understand, the princess is your aunt and your ruler. Vhy are you so eager to help us?" Blueblood looked down at the ground. "After understanding the meaning of her spell, I don't know what to think of her anymore." "MY SHIP!" The party turned their heads to see a tall, pale man running towards the crashed ship. Immediately before turning his head towards their direction. "What have you done to her you fiends?!" Location: Canterlot - Outer Walls *BOOM* Pieces of guardspony flew all over the place as the second crew backed up from the now very open stone wall. "These equines really need to research concrete." Said Pitka, popping his head out of the new exit/entrance. "Concrete wouldn't have fared much better against my grenades either." Added Alexander. "Come on, let's get out of here before the authorities come." Urged Gasman Dropbearius looked around for the best direction to run off to, but then he noticed a train track not too far away from their current location. "Gentlemen, behold!" He said as he pointed towards the railroad like he was objecting in court. Alexander looked a bit to the left "If the rising vapor from within the walls tells us anything, it's that the steam train is about to depart." "What are we waiting for, then?" Asked Faustin. "Let us make haste! Off we go!" The crew ran towards the railroad, with the exception of Dropbearius, who was power-walking really fast. Their adrenaline kicked in when they saw the tip of the train peek it's head through the outer gates of the wall. "We're not gonna make it!" Shouted Alexander. "Do not give in so easily! Just a little ways to go!" Replied Faustin over the loud sound of wind and steam engines. After what felt to the runners like a reject scene from a Mission Impossible movie, our heroes made it to the border of the gate, where the latter half of the train still found itself. Barely. "Jump!" All 5 humans propelled themselves forward and grabbed on to the ledge of the last wagon of the train. After a deep breath or two, they pulled themselves up to the roof, where they fell to their knees out of the pain in their legs, but not before Dropbearius added: "Y'all run like welshmen." Location: ONI Headquarters 2526 A.D Miles Blackwood, an old bald man in his sixties, and the current ONI commander in chief, sat down on his swiveling chair, lit up a cigar, and swiveled around. Alot. Not that he didn't appreciate his current position of power, but from time to time being the CiC was boring as all hell. As if on cue to appease his boredoom, Lieutenant Michael Harbor spoke up on his communications system. "Sir, the laboratory down at the Olympus Project research center wishes to have a word with you, sir." "Oh, them again. Can't you tell them to wait?" "Permission to speak freely, sir?" "Granted." "They have politely asked you to ´get your lazy ass over there now´." Miles let out a chuckle he didn't know he needed. "Alright, tell them I'll be there soon." He stood up from his chair, left his office, and went down a long hallway down into the Olympus Project research wing. Upon entering, the familiar smell of burning opium that the laboratory always kept hit his nostrils. Walking further down the lab, he noticed his childhood friend Taylor Haste, an old woman in her sixties that managed to keep her long, shiny, black hair and young facial assets thanks to plasic surgery. "Taylor! It's always a pleasure!" He said. "Whadd'ya need?" Taylor swiveled her chair around. "It's about Olympus Soldier No. 01 Miles, he-" "For fuck's sake, woman! Just call him Apollo!" Interrupted Miles. "Very well." Taylor kept her stern look. "We've been trying to locate Apollo for the last three days now, and we finaly tracked him down. The problem is, his coordinates shouldn't exist." Miles raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" He took the cigar out of his mouth and let out a tuft of smoke. "It means that either his chip has gone haywire, which it can't, I made sure of that, or that he somehow managed to get himself abducted by covenant and taken to a distant sector." "How distant are we talking about?" "Outside of the observable universe distant." Miles sucked in some smoke and held the cigar in his hands, not long before putting it out against his shoulder. "Well, shit."
CH9: Unknown Sorrow Location: ?????? In the middle of a dimly lit and gloomy room, on opposite sides of a coffee table, sat two beings in black cloaks that encompassed everything in their bodies but their heads. One was a red-eyed young woman who's wide, deep purple hair ran all the way to her heels; the other, a man with shaggy grey hair and blank, soulless eyes. "It's been so long since I've had a choice, at all." Started the woman as she took a sip of her tea. "I'm well aware." Said the man. "You'd think twenty years of having no control over your body would get to you, wouldn't you? Well it would, and it did." The woman took another small sip from her cup. "Oh, Artemis, let's not do this, the world is engulfed in enough drama as it is." The man held his hand to the bridge of his nose, annoyed. "This is not drama, Chronos, this is the truth!" Gaia said as she put down her cup of tea, still holding it in her hand. "Do you have any idea how I felt when I could do literally nothing but watch as a race of equines who call themselves "peaceful" and "tolerant" took turns to shove their members down my mother and father's throats?" She asked, putting pressure on her cup. "Do you have any idea how I felt when I was branded and sold on the street like a common whore?" She put more pressure on her cup "Do you have any idea how I felt when I was mounted and rutted by those I once called friends? And even my little brother?!" She asked, as cracks started appearing on the cup's surface. Chronos sighed an annoyed sigh. "Yes, yes, I'm well aware of how much you hate Celes-" "NO, YOU ARE NOT!" She didn't quite feel or notice it happen, but the mysterious woman now found herself face to face with her colleague, hot tea dripping from her hands with which she held his cloak , breathing at a rate not healthy for any kind of living being. He, on the other hand, kept his neutrality-emanating look. Gaia quickly noticed what she was doing, let her brother in arms go, and sunk back into her seat. After two or three minutes of awkward silence, she lifted her head from her hands and spoke to the man across the room. "Why didn't you help me out twenty years ago?" She asked with eyes that wanted to, but couldn't quite afford to cry. The man started rubbing his temples. "You know very well why, my dear. I had more important priorities." It was then that she broke down into tears. "What could possibly be more important than saving me from twenty years of hell?!" She advocated in between sobs. The man stood up from his seat and went across the coffee table to wrap Gaia in a hug. "Now now, darling, you know I hate to see a lady cry." He said, almost sounding cynical. Almost. "You know what would have happened had I interfered with the spell myself." One or two minutes of consolation later, Chronos spoke up again. "Don't cry Gaia, it's bad for your circuitry." He said while absent-mindedly rubbing her back with one hand. "A friend of ours arrived in the Everfree recently, I'm gonna need you to take care of him." Location: Friendship Express. Ever been on top of a speeding train while wearing a top hat? It's pretty tragic. For the top hat, I mean. "Relax Faustin." Said Alexander through his combat helmet. "It's only a top hat." "Only a top hat?" Faustin blurted out. "That hat was the pinnacle of perfection that adorned my everlasting elegance! Without it I am no longer a gentleman!" "Geez, obsessive much?" Thought Alexander out loud, to which Faustin was mature enough not to reply to. Alexander looked around to see what everyone else was doinig. Gasman was playing five finger fillet, but with no platform to stick the knife into or keep his hand steady on; Pitka was dangling his legs over the back of the train, supposedly brooding; Faustin had his hands on his head, mourning the windy loss of his hat; and Dropbearius was ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. Soon enough the group noticed a trail of flying figures speeding towards the train they were stow-awaying in. As they got closer, they started to make out the shape of pegasi in a triangular formation. Expecting conflict, the humans grabbed their respective weapons. "They must've followed us from the city." Said Pitka. "Should we just shoot them?" Asked Alexander. "Let's wait and see what their intentions are." Suggested Pitka. Eventually, the mini-fleet of thirty pegasi caught up to the train. Its leader, a cyan coated pegasus with a military shave, was the first to land, followed by the rest of the squad. "What is it that you need?" Asked Faustin. "Sir, should we intercept them? They're talking humans, but they don't match the descriptions." Spoke up one soldier in the front row. "It doesn't matter if the descriptions are off. They're humans with the ability to talk, they're definetely the humans Her Majesty wants." All 4 humans grabed their weapons, except for Dropbearius, who simply said. "Don't worry about it comrades, I'll handle this." "Jesus fucking christ Dropbearius!" Yelled Alexander. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" "I'm fairly certain spatulas were never meant to be used that way." Added Pitka. As Dropbearius rummaged through the belongings of the ponies who suffered a horrible death, he found a note and five red collars clutched inside the squad captain's saddlebag. "I found something!" Announced Dropbearius. Your orders are to find five specific humans, I do not know their exact wherabouts, but if the explosion at the outer wall earlier this morning was any indication, it's that they were initially in Canterlot. They probably escaped by clinging to the departing Friendship Express. Your targets are a blond male with metallic limbs, a male clad in full white armor, a female clad in dark green armor, a male wearing a black military-like suit, and a bearded male wearing a red shirt and black pants. Be warned, these humans are sapient and can speak. Do not kill them, instead, lock the five collars I supplied you with around their necks, that should remove their 'unique traits'. Your payment will await you upon your return. Signed Princess Celestia of Equestria.
CH6: Mental Indie Horror GamesAfter three or four hours of walking in the sewers, the group decided it was best to rest for the night. They gathered around a small make-shift bonfire made from spewn junk and incendiary bullets. "I am aware of the fact that we know each other's names," Said Faustin "but we have not yet had a proper introduction." "I suppose that would be priority number zero." Admitted Gasman "We should go in order of union to this little party, so go ahead, start it off." Faustin adjusted his top hat and monocle, and started spinning his rapier in circles as he spoke. "Well, as you already know, my name is Sir Faustin, I am a British noble and general, I was born in London into an aristocratic family. I was enjoying a good cup of tea with a friend of mine one stormy night, when we both put our cups down at some manner of loud rumbling, my memory, from that point on, is a blur. The next thing I am able to recall is waking up in these sewers, and finding myself confronted by two small horses who, apparently, wanted to hold me ransom to some other small horse. Since we find that we are from different epochs, I consider it relevant to add that I was brought here from the eighteen hundred and ninth year of our lord." Pitka was the next to speak up. "My name is Johan Pitka, I am an Estonian commander from the year 1944 A.D. I was retreating from a battle against the Soviet forces when my squad and I were struck by a red lightning bolt. I woke up by myself in a sewer, where I started wandering to find an exit. Eventually, I came upon a man who was making head cheese out of two horses with his rapier." Alexander spoke through his suit's microphone. "I am Alexander, but people call me "The General". I was born in Armenia. I was testing a space vessel for NASA --A space exploration agency, for those of you from the past-- in the year 2031, when the vessel was struck by a red Sprite lightning. I awoke sorrounded by sewage water, that's when these two-" He said pointing at Pitka and Faustin "- helped me up and allowed me to accompany them." The man with the gasmask spoke next "Name's Gasman, I punish those who dare break the law. As for my background and what I was doing when I was struck... I'm from the year 2044, that's all you need to know. I awoke in an alleyway, further in which I found one of those horses holding a knife to a filly's throat, and using threats of violence to make another horse do his bidding. My natural rage overcame my initial schock, and.... well," He held up his fist, still covered in blood."Bad things happened to 'im. I was heading down the sewer to dispose of the.... aftermath, if you will, when I found you three. Hungry for answers myself, I decided to join ya'." And then there was him. Pitka, Faustin, Alexander and Gasman all turned to the man in the koala suit. "I plead the fifth." Was all he said "I don't think the fifth applies here" Gasman, couldn't believe he was stuck with this chucklefuck. "We already know that we found you floating around amongst sewage and shit. All we need to know is what year you're from." "I am from the year Yo Momma B.S" "Really? Yo momma jokes?" Gasman looked at him dead in the eyes. Well, the eyes of his koala suit, his weird, ridiculous koala suit. "You know what?" Said Pitka "I'm not even gonna bother, I'm just going to assume that in whatever year you're from, the mental asylum hasn't been invented." Dropbearius merely gave out a meek chuckle muffled by his koala suit. "I can tell this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship!" A.C 1541 - Everfree forest It was night time already, Harold and the others had decided to make the crashed spaceship their main base for the time being. Harold himself had gone into the woods to find something worth eating, while Pat had gone to chop off some wood for the bonfire. Apollo and Johann sat on top of the ship, their legs dangling off the side. Johann was spinning his gun in his hand, while Apollo was using his neural CPU to play an indie horror game from the 21st century about a deadly pizza parlor, from time to time letting a small gasp out and muttering something about a fox. The atmosphere was awkward and uncomfortable for both of them, so it was only a matter of time until one of them broke it. "Apollo, you are German, are you not?" Asked Johann. "Huh?" Apollo, quickly closed the game in his mind. "Yeah, I'm German, what about it?" "Vy do you hold so much hatred towards nazis? You're from ze distant future, right? Aren't ve remembered as ze strongest army of history?" Apollo scrunched his nose "No, if anything, you are remembered for being the most hated political party in history, even modern day Germany is ashamed to have hosted you." Johann looked down on the ground with a melancholic look on his face. "Ve lose the var, don't ve?" "Take a wild guess." There was another broad span of awkward silence, until Johann spoke up again. "If I am to be honest viz you, I doubted Hitler from ze very beginning. I needed ze money, and ze nazi army was ze best solution at ze time. I'm not quite sure yet if I regret vat I've done to ze jews, but zat's vy I'm asking you. You've got historians in ze future, right? Vere ze jews really behind ze crisis, ze loss of the first great var, or vere zey trying to vipe out the arians at all?" Apollo looked at Johann with a look that wasn't sure if it wanted to be one of simpathy or disgust. "No, no, and no. Hitler lied about all that, the jews had done nothing bad." Johann closed his eyes and let his body fall back into the cold metal coating of the spaceship. "I vas afraid you vould say zat." Harold dragged the body of a dead, massive beast through the dirt of the forest. All was (relatively) well and good, until he heard an active rumbling from a nearby bush. He was about to draw his sword, but stopped himself when all he saw was a towheaded animal-woman looking at him with eyes full of curiosity. "Begone, poor soul," He said sympatheticaly. "There is nothing I can do for thee." He stopped in his tracks yet again, when from the same bush, emerged a pony with a white coat and blonde mane. The pony ran straight for the woman, but was stopped when he bumped into Harold's left boot. Before the pony could react, Harold swung around, caught him by the throat, and lifted him from the floor. "Huzzah! Another one! The others will be pleased!"
CH10: Thomas The Tank Engine Dun Fucked Up_BOOTING UP _25% _79% _SYSTEM INITIATION COMPLETE _WELCOME TO THE ONI VIRTUAL DATABASE. PLEASE INDICATE SUBJECT OF INQUIRY Olypmus project _COULD NOT FIND SUBJECT "OLYPMUS PROJECT" Olympus project _THIS SUBJECT REQUIRES SPECIAL AUTHORIZATION TO BE ACCESSED, PLEASE INPUT YOUR ID TO CONFIRM AUTHORIZATION ******************* _DISPLAYING INFROMATION ON SUBJECT "OLYMPUS PROJECT" The Olympus Project is an elite "black operation" unit composed of thirteen augmented soldiers with superhuman abilities that surpass those of ONI Spartans. Funded by ONI Commander In Chief Miles Blackwood 33 years ago, the members of the Olympus Project get their abilities from high ammounts of self-authorized biochemical and biomechanical experimentations. It should also be noted that, as part of the experimentation, their lifespan has been increased by an average of 600-700 years, and their aging processes have slowed down accordingly. Their abilities are as follows: Ace Colburn (Codename "Zeus"): Biomechanical plasma rifle (Hands) Butch Goldman (Codename "Hermes"): Superhuman speed and agility Diesel Incaendio (Codename "Apollo"): Biochemical flamethrower (Hands, mouth) Harley Jarvis (Codename "Hera"): Regeneration Hunter Zimmerman (Codename "Poseidon"): Control of cellular structure Jett York (Codename "Hades"): Cardiac arrest on contact with skin Robin North (Codename "Athena"): Computer-like brain power and thought speed Ryder Paine (Codename "Ares"): Superhuman strength Striker Mann (Codename "Hephaestus"): Manipulation of external and internal body temperature Angela Brooks (Codename "Aphrodite"): Shapeshifting Ingrid Bayonetta (Codename "Demeter"): Body status regulates on contact with skin Cynthia Zeddler (Codename "Artemis"): Biochemical liquid nitrogen sprayer (Hands, mouth) Zane Edgeworth (Codename "Chronos"): Cerebral manipulation Their current status is as follows: Ace Colburn: Awaiting Orders Butch Goldman: Awaiting Orders Diesel Incaendio: MIA Harley Jarvis: Awaiting Orders Hunter Zimmerman: Awaiting Orders Jett York: MIA Robin North: Awaiting Orders Ryder Paine: Awaiting Orders Striker Mann: Awaiting Orders Angela Brooks: MIA Ingrid Bayoneta: Awaiting Orders Cynthia Zeddler: MIA Zane Edgeworth: MIA As midnight claimed its place in the Equestrian sky, a single long-haired woman dressed in magically enhanced battle armor lifted her sword over her shoulder. Artemis listened closely to her earpiece, awaiting further instructions from Chronos. When he'd told her about the new arrival, she immediately put on the armor he looted for her from the Draconia Castle armory, and departed towards the entrance of the Everfree forest. The only problem was that she had been waiting for his instructions for what seemed like hours. Finally, after many hours of waiting, a sound emmanated itself from her earpiece. "Artemis, come in!" Demanded Chronos from the other side of the of the radiowave. "Chronos! Finally! What took you so long?!" Asked Artemis. "Sorry, I had to track down a couple of complications. A quintet, rather." "What do you mean?" She inquired. "It seems Apollo may have somehow managed to call for backup. I'm at the Friendship Express's railway's interception between Canterlot and Manehattan, there seem to be some corpses with bullet wounds here." Stated Chronos. "Are you sure they're bullet wounds?" She asked. "Definitely. There's some gunpowder residue on the corspes's foreheads, so either the ponies have invented firearms, or Apollo's called for backup with a really poor taste in weaponry." Informed Chronos. "Do they have anything on them worth looting?" She asked once more. "No, but what they do have are spatulas sticking out of their rectu-" "OOOOOOOOOKAY! I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!" Stuttered Artemis through her microphone. "Anyway." Chronos began. "If the train hasn't decreased in speed since its departure, then there's no chance Apollo's backup will have had a chance to jump off the train. It's currently headed in your direction, so I'm gonna need you to work your "magic" on the railings. Don't forget to use the little gift I gave you." A smile crossed Artemis's lips as she understood what Chronos's plan was, "Got it." she replied. She removed the shoulder-length steel gauntlet covering her left arm and stuck it to the back of her armor, revealing the broken, bandaged, chipped robotic arm she'd received after she lost the original about 23 years ago. She ran towards the nearby town of Ponyville, unnoticed by the very few ponies still awake, and eventually arrived at the Ponyville Train station, which was located right next to the border of the forest. She kneeled down facing the train rails, and extended her arms towards them. "Let's see if it still works" She thought to herself. Two small hatches on the bases of her palms opened up, revealing the pipeworks that ran all the way across her arms. Then, after some cogging and whirring sounds, from those hatches emerged two mighty streams of liquid nitrogen, effectively deep-freezing the tracks. She stomped down hard on them, causing them to shatter into many pieces. She then created an ice ramp that faced the Everfree where the rails used to be. "Alright, it's done. What now?" Asked Artemis through her microphone. "Good, now put your christmas present to good use." Chronos replied. Right after he said that, Artemis noticed a bright light approaching her fast. "ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED!" Considering that he's now following Dropbearius, Alexander was unsurprised when he was woken up by these words. Everyone on top of the train who was not already awake came to their senses. "What the fuck do you want Dropbearius?" Advocated Pitka in his strong Estonian accent. "We're nearly at the train stop mates! Grab your dongers and mollies and get ready to jump off." Said Dropbearius The now awake gang readied themselves, but as they got closer to the train station, they started to make out a bipedal figure in the railtracks. Heading straight for the train, Artemis got a running start, and when she was right in front of it, she jumped as hard as she could. She landed atop the speeding train with an acrobatic rollout to preserve her momentum, which she used to approach the five men on the back of the train. Dropbear and the faze clan skrubs other heroes looked quizzically at the woman running towards them, but they didn't have time to react, for the moment she got near them she fired off individual streams of liquid nitrogen at their feet, sticking them frozen to the train. She didn't stop her run though, as when she was done freezing their feet, she headed straight for the backside of the train, where she planted a relatively large circular pad with a long beak-like chute. Afterwards, she jumped off of the train, landing once again with a rollout. She turned around, a smile smeared on her face, to watch the events that were about to unfold. The train eventually hit the bent ice ramp, and when it did, the circular pad on its backside fired off an impressive stream of fire, sending the train flying very far into the everfree forest. "Pentaerythritol tetranitrate engine, never gets old." Artemis thought to herself. "What have you done to her you fiends?!" Before Apollo (Or anyone else for that matter) could respond, a flying train approached the campsite from the sky at a ludicrous amount of speed. *CRASH* The scene was horrible, pieces and chunks of stallions, mares, fillies and colts alike littered the clearing. Broken parts of train stabbed the ground, one even impaling the upper half of a filly that was making a futile attempt to cling to life. Apollo slowly rose from the ground. Every other human was knocked out, but according to his heartrate readings, not dead. His eyes found rest atop a grey velvety hand sticking out from a pile of ashes. This hand belonged to Dropbearius, who, after unburrying himself, commented out loud: "Man, what a trainwreck!" *ba dum tss*
