Sweet Guano Acres

by EarthbendingProdigy

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Granny Smith, Original Character, Comedy, Big Macintosh
Length: 4879

Thanks to the vampire fruit bats, Sweet Apple Acres has a high quality fertilizer which has increased its apple yield. But with more bat poop than they know what to do with what will the Apple Family do with all the extra guano?

Thanks to the vampire fruit bats Sweet Apple Acres has a high quality fertilizer which has increased its apple yield. But with more bat poop than they know what to do what will the Apple Family do with all the extra guano?

Published 2014-07-19 16:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-26 18:08:44 UTC

Guano Happens

"Breakfast is ready! Come and git it!" The roosters crowed every morning at Sweet Apple Acres, which meant it was time for the Apple Family to take their morning showers, but the real wake up call was when Granny Smith was done making breakfast. Apple pancakes, apple waffles, eggs, apple cinnamon oatmeal, hash browns, fresh squeezed apple juice, she made it all and more.

To most ponies it seemed like overkill, but Granny Smith knew that even the youngest of the apple clan had as she put it "the appetites of full grown stallions." She knew how crucial it was for Applejack and Big Macintosh to keep up their strength, and for young filly like Applebloom to be able to stay focused on her studies.

"So Applejack, Big Mac ah know apple buck season is comin’ up and aye reckon thanks to those bats spreading the seeds and their droppings we have more apple trees than ever before, but the question is how are ya'll going to pick them?" Granny Smith wondered.

"I have learned the hard way that it ain’t a good idea ta take on more than you can handle, and asked Big Mac to use his fancy mathematics to run some numbers and I’ll let him talk." Applejack said as she pointed to Big Mac.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeyup, there ain't no doubt that Applejack and I can't buck all those trees by ourselves, but with the massive increase in profits due to the unprecedented yield of apples and the expected increased output of cider during cider season I estimate that we have more than enough bits to hire a few farmhands." Big Macintosh said as he put down his calculator

"Have ya tried asking your cousin Braeburn, another apple family member, or yer friends to help like they did last year Applejack? If we need to hire a few farmhands than that is what we need to do, but this is the family business after all and kin is supposta look out fur one another." Granny Smith asked.

"Braeburn already asked me if I could help him in Appleoosa, apparently ever since the settler ponies made peace with the buffalo the buffalo have shared their crop rotation techniques, which has quadrupled the output of apples. They have already hired hundreds of ponies to help tend the fields, and are still hiring more." Applejack replied.

"Now hold on, I could get Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to help who knows we might get our cutie marks in apple bucking." Applebloom suggested.

"Now sugarcube, there can be a few chores they might be able to help with, but apple buck season is an all-day affair and ya’ll need to be in school and there are several tasks around the farm that yer not old enough for yet. But don't you fret you will be as big and strong as Big Macintosh and I in no time ain't that right?" Applejack tried to reassured her sister.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeyup"

“Applebloom, I know ya want to help, but ya got ta move yer caboose and finish breakfast or you will be late.” Granny Smith reminded Applebloom as she pointed to the clock

“Oh shit, I gotta get going.” Applebloom panicked as she looked at her clock.

The room suddenly became deafly silent as everyone stared at the young filly in shock at her sudden, unexpected expletive which was finally broken when Big Macintosh asked “Where did ya learn that word?”

“I learned it from you and Applejack when ah overheard ya both talk yesterday about how you couldn't believe how good batshit is as a fertilizer, we would have been up shit creek if it wasn't for Fluttershy: we are making a shitload of money thanks to the bats, how we need to replace this piece of shit plough and how Applejack needed to take a shit I was really confused about the different meanings so I looked it up in this dictionary Twilight gave me.”

“Okay Applebloom, we will talk to later about how you shouldn't use that kind of language until you are a tad older, and not in mixed company a bit later tonight. Clean your plate, meet your friends and get to school.” Applejack fumbled her words as she tried to save face.

The silence resumed until Applebloom left, finally being broken by Granny Smith.

“Applejack, Big Mac, what ya'll said ain't nothin I ain't heard nor said before but if ya both don't watch yer sailor talk around Applebloom you'll will be both be having soap fer dinner, understood?”

“Yes Granny” Applejack and Big Mac both said.

“Why can grownups say words like shit and I can't? It is so unfair.” Applebloom thought to herself as she started walking to school. Luckily her predicament would be on hold as she finally got to class on time, albeit just barely. Time seemed to go by fairly quickly that day, it seemed like she was only there a few minutes before the bell rang for lunch.

Applebloom was starving and Granny Smith always packed the good stuff, even if a bit more of the food was apple based than she would sometimes like. It is not that she didn't like apples, but she often wanted something a bit different like maybe pears, pineapples or even oranges. And since Gilda the griffon visited Ponyville a few years ago she has been curious as to what meat tastes like. Of course, she knew she wouldn't sate that curiosity today or anytime soon but she got something a little unexpected when she opened what she thought was her lunchbox as she sat next to her friends Sweetie Belle and Scootlaoo.

“Ewwwwww what the hey is this? It looks and smells like...” Applebloom said in surprise.

“Did Granny Smith accidentally put in a rotten apple or something? I didn't say anything before but I have been, smellin' it all day.” Scootaloo asked in a blunt manner

“Come on Scootaloo, it doesn’t smell THAT bad.” Sweetie Belle said as she moved closer to see what was in Appleblooms lunch pail.

“Holy mother of Luna, I was wrong it really does smell that bad.” Sweetie Belle corrected herself as she held her hoof to her snout.

“Oh no! Oh sweet merciful Celestia no! In mah hurry to get to school I musta accidentally grabbed this bag full of bat guano I was supposed to give to Zecora for one of her potions tomorrow”

“Chill, don't worry, we can just talk to Ms. Cheerilee, and we could maybe go over to Zecoras to give her the guano and go to your place to get your real lunch.”

“Thanks Scootaloo, let’s do that.”

“Good idea, nopony has to know that you brought bat poop to school.” Sweetie Belle a bit louder than she should have.

“Geez Sweetie Belle, tell the whole school why don't you? Let’s get this over with so I can eat my lunch in peace.” Applebloom sighed.

As Applebloom and her friends got up to go to talk to Ms. Cheerilee they were interrupted by a familiar yet unwelcome voice.

“What is this I hear about bringing bat poop to school?”

“Diamond Tiara, can't you and your stool pigeon find something better to do than to torment us for once? Today is really not a good day.”

“Yeah, I guess you can say you are deep doo doo.” Silver Spoon snickered with contempt.

“Who are we to poo poo that?” Diamond Tiara said as they both erupted into laughter.

“So what is in the bag?” Silver Spoon asked as she tried to reach over to see what was inside.

“That belongs to Applebloom, and what is in it is none of your business!” Sweetie Belle said while trying to block the bullies.

“If you mess with Applebloom you mess with us.” Scootaloo said as she clopped her hooves together in a threatening manner.

“Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! This is too rich, you really did it, you, brought bat droppings to school!” Diamond Tiara laughed as she held the bag in her hooves.

“Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I don't know what smells worse, you or that bag.” Silver Spoon roared with laughter as she pointed to the bag of guano.

“I ain't taking your bait no more; y'all can say whatever I don't care.” Applebloom said as she and her friends started walking away.

“Before I forget speaking of smelly, worn out old bags how is your Granny Smith doing?” Diamond Tiara asked in a contemptuous manner.

“You take that back!”

“Does the big baby want her bottle? Lunch is almost over and we are going to get something to eat as in you know actual food.” Diamond Tiara laughed as she and Silver Spoon started walking away

“Applebloom, what are you doing?” Scootaloo asked as she noticed Applebloom opening up the bag of guano

“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon said they want something to eat and I am going to give it to them.” Applebloom laughed mischievously.

“You are not going to do what I think you are going to do, are you?” Sweetie Belle asked in shock

Applebloom ignored her friends as she grabbed a hoof full and started rolling it into balls carefully placing them back in the bag. She soon grabbed one of the “balls” and started winding up her arm as if she were getting ready to throw a pitch at a major league baseball game. Once she was sure she had enough force and accuracy she threw the manure at Diamond Tiara. As she was eating the unsuspecting Diamond Tiara got an unexpected taste of karma. The guano Applebloom threw was meant to hit her in the head but landed directly into her mouth.

“Oh eeeeeew! Eeew! Eeeew!” Diamond Tiara screamed in disgust as she struggled to spit the poop out of her mouth.

It didn't long for the whole schoolhouse to know what was going on as scores of students rushed to the scene cheering “chuck it chuck it”

Silver Spoon watched in shock and horror at the scene in front of her and before she knew it she felt a splatter of poop hit her face.

“What is all that noise and what is that horrid stench?” Ms. Cheerilee wondered as she was inside grading papers.

“I better see what is going on.” Ms. Cherilee said as she walked outside

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon saw Ms. Cheerilee and tried to run over to her, Applebloom still blinded by her rage hurled another ball of guano at them only to have them dodge and have it hit Ms. Cherilee. As she wiped the mess off her face Applebloom looked on in shame and horror as she realized.

“Oh no, I am sorry Ms. Cheerilee I didn't mean to hit...” Applebloom apologized profusely.

“No, but you meant to hit them didn't you?” Cherliee said in a stern voice as she looked down at Applebloom.

“Uhhhhh, I uh don't know.” Applebloom replied with embarrassment as she shook her head.

“Applebloom, you are going to give me that bag while I call Applejack to come pick you up.”

“I am sorry Ms. Cheerilee, but they started it and…”

“Whether or not they started it is irrelevant, two wrongs don't make a right young lady you should have just come to me or Applejack instead of doing this and were you two also involved in this?” Ms. Cherilee asked Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.

“No, they weren’t they tried to talk me out of it but I did it anyway they didn’t do nothin’.” Applebloom said

“Okay, Applebloom I appreciate your honesty but you are still in a lot of trouble you are suspended for 3 days.”

“Well girls, I guess sometimes guano happens.” Scootaloo sighed.

“Really Scootaloo? I know you are trying to cheer me up, but did you have to make that joke now?” Applebloom face hoofed.

The Number Two Priority

"Go on git, I can handle the dishes, just go to the field." Granny Smith said to Big Mac as she shooed them out of the kitchen.
Cleaning up after a meal was like the meal itself normally a family affair, but with Applebloom running late for school and Sweet Apple Acres being as short-handed as it, was the sooner things got started the more that could get finished.

"Applejack, ain't it guano harvestin' day?" Big Mac reminded Applejack as they started to walk out the door.

"Consarnit, of all the days, why did today hafta be Wednesday?"

Applejack was no stranger to getting her hooves dirty; mud, dirt and sometimes even dung were part of the job of being a farmer, but even she knew that she couldn't stand the putrid odor without a gas mask.

"Are any of your other friends coming today?" Big Mac asked.

Before Applejack could answer, a familiar rainbow maned figure flew overheard and cried out "hey Applejack I am here! I hope I am not late."

"Nnnnnnnnnope" Big Mac answered.

"What am I helping with today? Bucking apples? Building a barn? Are we..."

"Nnnnnnnnope," Big Mac interrupted.

"It is THAT day, isn't it?" Rainbow Dash frowned, and shook her head in disappointment.

"Ah am afraid so, Rainbow Dash." Applejack confirmed.

"Uh, yeah look at the time, I gotta go um go do something else." Rainbow Dash muttered as she was getting ready to fly off.

"Hold it there partner, ya promised." Applejack reminded her

"Sorry Applejack, it will have to be some other time. Tank is very sick and uh, I need to take him to the vet, and cover somepony at the weather factory..." Rainbow Dash muttered as she kept fishing for excuses.

"If ya'll think ya can't handle a few bat droppin's, I can always get somepony else to help."

"I didn't say I couldn't handle it, I just said I was busy today." Rainbow Dash rationalized as she tried to save face.

"Yer not chicken are ya?" Applejack taunted as she performed her best impression of a chicken.

Applejack didn't usually resort to school yard taunts, but she was desperate for help and using Rainbow Dash's own ego against her was the only way she could think of to get it. Pinkie Pie eagerly helped Applejack last guano harvesting day, but it didn't take long for all the poop jokes such as calling guano harvesting day the "number two priority" to get on her nerves, and nopony else wanted to go anywhere near the guano especially Rarity.

"No but..."

"I dare you to do it." Applejack huffed as she put her hoof down.

"You're on."

Applejack lead the way to a grove full of bats trees with bats hanging from trees.

"How much can come out of one bats ass?" Rainbow Dash asked bluntly marveling at the dried up apples and seemingly never ending guano on the floor.

"This ain't anywhere near all of them, most of them are in that cave over there." Applejack said as she pointed to a large cave.

"We are working today, and those lazy bats are asleep while we are literally cleaning up their crap?" Rainbow Dash said indignantly

"Bats are nocturnal critters, meanin' that they sleep during the day and are active at night." Applejack replied as she tried not to face hoof.

"I suppose the important thing is, we don't have to smell any of it." Rainbow Dash remarked in gratitude.

"Please don't remind me, anyhow, the first thing we are gonna do is to gather up that thar guano. We are gonna use high powered hoses to break up the guano that dried up, and use a tool called an 'edger' to push the guano into that concrete trench over there." Applejack explained

"Has that trench and that building always been there?" Rainbow Dash asked as she pointed to a large, factory like building.

"No, what all this is for is gonna make more sense once I show ya. Just hold tight while I get what we need." Applejack explained as she went inside the building.

It didn't take long for Applejack to bring out the supplies.

"Alright, I just had a thought this'll go much faster if one of us uses the hose, and the other one uses the edger to push."

"Let me guess, I am going to shovel the shit am I?" Rainbow Dash frowned

"Exactly"

Applejack released the valve and fired up the hose, it broke through the guano much like a sledge hammer breaking through concrete.

"Whoa, where did you get those? I thought only the fire department had them." Rainbow Dash looked on in amazement.

"I bought em from them, are ya gonna sit there and do nothin' or are ya here to help?" Applejack asked indignantly.

"Oh, right sorry." Rainbow Dash apologized as she started the unpleasant task ahead of her.

Bad memories of a job Rainbow Dash took as a teenage filly, cleaning elephant cages at a zoo, came back to her almost as if they happened yesterday. The poop was not as heavy, but there was more of it than she could have possibly imagined.
Despite those unpleasant circumstances, she did still keep her sense of humor, as she often chuckled at the irony of being mired in dung to avoid getting into "deep shit" with management. Though some of her humor was a tad cynical, case in point was often stating the letter "F" should be removed from the word "shift".

Rainbow Dash may not have not have been getting paid for helping Applejack (not that it was all that much anyway), but unlike that old job she at least felt as if she was accomplishing something. She may have tried to come up with every excuse in the book to avoid it but seeing the sheer volume of excrement made her realize just how much help Applejack needed.

Since Applejack had the faster, easier job it took an hour or so until she joined Rainbow Dash in pushing the poo poo. It took hours of tedious, exhausting work but the trench was finally full.

"Oh shit, just how much more of this are we gonna have to put in there?" Rainbow Dash asked dejected as she saw enough guano to fill that same trench at least 5 more times.

"Nice work, that is about as much as we are gonna put in today. Thanks to you I was able to finish this in half the time." Applejack smiled as she admired their work.

Rainbow Dash never knew Applejack to leave a job unfinished, especially to this extent. She had heard the phrase "shit happens" before, but not like this. Not even during that one day at her old job, when the new zoo keeper gave a constipated elephant way too much laxative, though her boss being in the crossfire was more than worth unpleasant experience of practically drowning in doo doo.

"I am confused, you told this was all done in one day but it is not done?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"That is why ay'm tryin' to hire some farmhands, Twilight is comin' over today fer lunch and she is gonna help me organize a hirin' event at Sweet Apple Acres. For now the best I can do is to just get enough guano cleared to go to whatever Apple Family member is gonna pick up the shipment this week." Applejack explained.

"Who is picking it up this week?" Rainbow Dash asked almost if she were playing a guessing game.

"My uncle Clean, and he probably just uses it as fertilizer like most of the apples do..."

"You mean Uncle Clean? As in the same Uncle Clean, that sells those apple scented cleaners all over Equestria?" Rainbow Dash asked as she gave a fanfilly squeal as if it were Daring Do being mentioned.

"Yeah, though his real name is Shiny Apple. Why are ya so excited about this? If anypony would have reacted this way, I thought fer sure it would have been Rarity." Applejack asked with genuine surprise.

"Duh, I hate cleaning, and your uncle's cleaners make it so much faster and easier." Rainbow Dash gushed almost if she were Rarity talking about her latest crush.

"I reckon we have one more task until we get cleaned up, and get some lunch, this one'll be a cinch though." Applejack interrupted Rainbow Dash as she tried to get things back on track.

Applejack pushed a button on a small remote causing the floors of the trench to turn into a makeshift conveyer belt.

"Would this have gotten done faster if you pushed that button sooner?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"It takes a lot of energy, most it through burning some guano and I ain't able to burn enough guano quickly enough in order to keep this on any longer than I hafta." Applejack sighed in frustration.

Once the poop was far enough on the conveyer belt Applejack pressed another button which opened a large pipe which the guano fed into.

"This leads into that building ya noticed earlier through a series of pipes where it is gonna be processed."

"How in the name of Equestria are you able to afford this?" Rainbow Dash asked in amazement.

"It was through a combination of borrowing some money from other Apple Family members, and of course with all the extra bits from the increased crop yield thanks to the bats and their droppin's."

"So mo' Guano mo' problems?" Rainbow Dash joked.

"Yes." Applejack answered with a frown.

A sudden loud, whistle much like one heard on a train was heard from the factory like building, Applejack lead the way inside. It was a large metallic, sterile chamber with pipes leading in and out of a giant pressure cooker. The sounds of clings and clangs of various machinery greeted their ears.

"You're like the Filly Wonka of bat poop aren't you?" Rainbow Dash stared in wonder, as she watched the various machines do their job.
"Yeah, ah turn bat droppings into delicious chocolate fer all the youngin's." Applejack responded with obvious sarcasm.

"It was just a joke Applejack, lighten up."

"Movin' on, the guano first gets drained of all the waste water, then the water is fed through another pipe which leads which gets recycled to be able to be used in the hoses again to break up more hard bat droppin's. The guano that remains is then put a pressure cooker which ya see over there to kill germs and then bagged and placed in crates." Applejack explained as if she were giving a tour.

"Wait wait wait, so you re use the shit water?" Rainbow Dash asked making a face of slight disgust.

"Yes, but none of this is used as drinkin' water, I ain't willin' to subject myself or anypony else to that."

Rainbow Dash couldn't help but chuckle, as she watched one of the pipes pump out pound after pound of poo poo, almost as if the factory itself was taking a never ending dump. After everything was bagged and crated Applejack breathed a sigh of relief.

"Alright, let's get cleaned up ya don't hafta stick around, but ya can for lunch and to meet mah uncle if ya want."
After a quick hose down or "decontamination" as Applejack put it they were both ready to eat. As they both took off their gas masks they were greeted to the warm, welcome smell of Granny Smiths cooking.

"Is that oat burgers and hay fries I am smelling?" Rainbow Dash drooled.

"Eeeeeeeeyup!" Big Mac answered as he overheard Rainbow Dash's question.
Applejack looked up in the sky and saw Twilight.

"I hope I am not late Applejack, I have plenty of ideas."

"Great, I am lookin forward to hearin them."

A muscular, middle aged brown earth pony stallion came out of the Apple Family home.

"It is good to see ya Applejack," he smiled as he pulled her in for a hug.

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, it is really nice to meet you sir I am a huge fan." Rainbow Dash squealed.
"It is nice to meet ya both, may I ask what your names are?"

"These here are mah friends Rainbow Dash, and the famous Princess Twilight and this is mah Uncle Shiny or Uncle Clean as he is more commonly known."

"Ya'll can continue yet chit chat at the table, git it before it gets cold." Granny Smith shouted from inside the house.

Applejack knew that Granny Smith always worked hard on the cooking, even though she couldn't buck trees like she used to she took a certain pride in keeping the "youngin's" properly fed, and this meant of course getting to the table on time for all meals.

To Granny Smith cooking was in addition to a necessity, also a way of expressing her love for her family as well as of course showing hospitality to the occasional guest. As they all sat down to eat Rainbow Dash was the first to speak.

"What are you using all that bat poop for?"

"Do we hafta talk about that while ay am trying to eat?" Applejack face hoofed as she tried to steer the conversation to something else.

"I reckon we can just let him answer and then we don't hafta talk about bat droppin's no more." Granny Smith said knowing full well that this question would be asked eventually.

"I found a possible way that I may be able to produce my products more cheaply and efficiently, my company is a heap of trouble right now and this might be what it takes to get things back on track. Bat guano, especially vampire fruit bat guano has large amounts of nitrates which can be used to make ammonia which is a common additive in cleaners.

"I read about that, it is done by isolating certain chemical compounds." Twilight said

"That is right." Uncle Clean confirmed

"Can we please change the subject, ah invited Twilight over to talk about something important."

"Oh of course..." Twilight was interrupted with a knock at the door before she could say anything else.

In an exasperated sigh Applejack got up to answer the door and saw Ms. Cheerilee and Applebloom, the minute she saw the look on Appleblooms face she knew something was wrong.

"What happened?" Applejack asked knowing the answer wasn't going to be good.
"
Explain to your sister, what you did at school today Applebloom." Ms. Cheerilee glared at Applebloom waiting for her response.

"I accidentally took the bag of bat guano that was meant for Zecora. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon made fun of me for it, and then made fun of Granny Smith, so I threw most of it at them."

"You did what!!!???" Applejack yelled in shock and disgust.

"She is going to be suspended for 3 days, of course because tomorrow and Friday are non instructional days those won't count toward the suspension." Ms. Cheerilee explained the bad news.

"I am really sorry..." Applebloom tried in vain to apologize.

"I am gonna talk to ya later, just got to your room and don't come out till dinner time." Applejack responded barely able to contain her anger and disappointment.

Applejack awkwardly got back to the table and before anypony asked she simply said.
"
Applebloom is suspended from school fer throwing bat droppin's at other students, and that is the last I am gonna say on anything to do with what comes out of bats backside for now."

"Applejack are you okay?" Twilight asked concerned.

"Twilight I just need ta forget about this for a while, let's just talk about your ideas for the hiring event."

"Don't ya fret Applejack, I can talk ta Applebloom later." Granny Smith tried to reassure Applejack.

"I have here a model of what a potential application could look like, as well as a model of a fliers we could use around torn to advertize it and some newspaper ad space." Twilight explained to Applejack as she showed her a clipboard full of different documents.

"I am thinkin' this'll take place not this Saturday, but next Saturday at about 9am. The questions look fine, of course what will be most important, will the questions I and Granny Smith will ask everypony personally."

"So you will not use the applications?" Twilight asked.

"We'll probably make good use of em but there ain't nothin' like speaking to somepony face ta face. The applications will be fer records as well of course being a good to jog our here memories." Granny Smith explained.

"I suppose that is a good point." Twilight conceded

The talking continued through lunch with Applejack and Twilight doing most of the talking but with the other occasionally chiming in. Once lunch was over Applejack said her goodbyes to Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

"I know ya both are worried but I will be fine, I am going to help my uncle load up the shipment of you know what and then I am going to call it a day." Applejack tried to reassure her friends.

"That is wise decision Applejack, enjoy the rest of your day." Twilight waved goodbye as she walked out the door.

"I will see you around Applejack." Rainbow Dash hoof bumped Applejack as she trotted out the door.