When Your Dragon Has Allergies...
BURP! Crackle. Plop.
“Sorry, Twilight.”
BURP! Crackle. Plop.
“Really, I am, Twilight, and if there was anything I could do…”
“Spike, I’ve forgiven you, I know…”
BURP! Crackle. Plop.
“...that it wasn’t your fault.”
The Royal Oaks Library was a library under siege. Or, at least the Head Librarian’s bedroom was. And, the pile of scrolls that was starting to accumulate was the soldiers invading.
Twilight Sparkle, heroine of Equestria, Princess, personal and favorite student of Princess Celestia, the pony that had faced down the Nightmare Moon, Discord, King Sombra...was hiding under her sheets in a lump that would have impressed Fluttershy. Her wings were clenched so tightly to her body that they would have almost fused into her body, if it was possible. She was trembling, differing emotions running through her like waves, and she held onto the only things that mattered. Namely, her pillow and the “in case of ABSOLUTE PERSONAL DISASTER” checklist in her hooves.
It was, in all sincerity, an accident.
Twilight Sparkle had a bad habit. Not a horrible habit-like a drug problem, drinking, going out with the wrong mares, or building doomsday devices. Her habit was a bad one, and one that was very fortunately a personal one.
Shipping.
As in “setting up relationships in stories that might not or should not be possible”. Really, it was due to a number of reasons. Boredom during long magical experiments. General loneliness in her foalhood, because of her brilliance and power and a lack of social skills. A young (and ongoing) romantic infatuation with Princess Celestia. And, a huge amount of imagination. So, to pass the time and to keep herself from going spare when particularly bad bouts of boredom hit, she wrote romantic stories. Of her and Princess Celestia. Of Princess Celestia and Starswirl. Of herself and Chico the Checklist (5.9 hooves long! 1.9 hooves wide! The largest she ever had!). Princess Cadence and her brother. Sometimes (in a not-creepy way), herself and Shining Armor.
Not creepy, at all.
She kept a chart of possible combinations, and wrote stories to them, some of them hastily scribbled, some of them long and intricate and nearing epic novel length. Hidden, of course, but whenever she had the time, she added more chapters.
The only thing that her arrival in Ponyville had done was give her more subjects to use. Oh, and the chance to do more yaoi and yuri shipping stories. Yes, they were first cousins, but Big Macintosh and Braeburn? Epic. Or Applejack and Rarity? Definitely a “slap, slap, kiss!” relationship there! Or Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, the hurt little pink pony that always needed to be Happy! found somepony that would never leave them hanging. Even when they were dull and grey.
Stress brought out more stories-and the more she faced, the more she wrote. Discord in a three-way relationship with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Queen Chrysalis running away with Princess Cadence when they realized that they were meant for each other. Herself, Shining Armor, and Trixie, finding a love of magic and each other. Gilda coming back and Rainbow Dash crying, “You had me at ‘hello’.” Big Macintosh fighting his way through the Everfree to rescue his love Cheerlee from a Fate Worse Than Death (Cutie Mark Crusader Death Cultists!). Or the King Sombra/Zecora story that just seemed to flow together so well…
Twilight Sparkle kept her work in a basket in her room. She knew these were stories that should never see the light of day, and she just couldn’t stop working on them. They were a psychic safety valve, and one she needed all too often.
Until that safety valve melted…
Spike would probably apologize for the rest of his life, for something that he had no control over. He had caught the local allergy that was going around, and was walking into Twilight Sparkle’s room when he had an epic sneeze. Massive. “Biblical” in the sense of “divine power”. A long, spectacular spout of green flame came from his mouth…
...and rolled right over Twilight Sparkle’s collection of shipping stories.
The shock lasted only ten seconds. In second eleven, Twilight Sparkle was grabbing ink, pen, and scroll and writing up as many letters as possible to as many ponies to tell them to not open the scrolls she just sent, please just send them back unopened! Her hopes that her dark and erotic secret would remain hidden was lost at one minute. She was about to send the first scrolls off to her friends and the Princesses, when a scroll appeared from Princess Luna.
Her scroll was pity and to the point-
Thank you for the first of many, many interesting stories. Our biggest criticism is that My Sister and I do not have that kind of a loving relationship.
Or, at least, one that We would admit to…
Two minutes after that, the scroll from Princess Celestia came...and, it was mostly a “how did you know?!?” involving Twilight Sparkle’s shipping of Princess Celestia and Queen Chrysalis when they were younger. The first scroll from Princess Cadence, mostly a “why would I break up a loving couple in the form of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?” scroll, followed by a “what were you thinking, assuming you were thinking!” scroll of the Cadence/Sombra shipping. Ten minutes after that little missive, Discord sent his own set of scrolls-mostly a highly logical treatise of brane shells and the nearest quantum universes where such relationships would be possible.
(Twilight Sparkle took a bit of glee pointing out the math errors and sending a reply back to Discord.)
Shining Armor sent in a scroll soon after. His was a mixture of “it is very, very creepy, Twilly” to “I shouldn’t be getting off to this yuri story, but I am…,” and Twilight Sparkle wasn’t sure if she should be laughing, groaning, or crying at this point. The Queen Chrysalis one was one she wanted to frame, mostly because it was so inadvertently comedic. The rips and acid burn marks were just icing on the cake.
Then, the delegations came. First, of course, was Rainbow Dash-torn between awesome (“You made me into an awesome general and leader of ponies!”), anger (“You broke my wings to make me into a wobblie!” “Woobie.” “WHATEVER!!!”), and shock (“Of course me and Gilda fooled around in flight school! That’s what you do in flight school!”). It was only that Twilight Sparkle was able to show the ongoing story she was working on with Rainbow Dash and Daring Do (that Spike hadn’t breathed on) that she was able to keep Rainbow Dash from either exploding or imploding or trying to do a Sonic Rainboom indoors.
Next up was a partnership-Rarity and Applejack. First thing they did-extract a full-scale Pinkie Promise that Twilight Sparkle was never going to allow the Cutie Mark Crusaders to check out a potions or magic book ever again. Twilight Sparkle was able to negotiate that down to “not until they get their Cutie Marks in”. And, hopefully this would be before the Crusaders thought to try the whole Love Poison thing on a town-wide scale.
Then, their separate arguments began.
Oh, Rarity had some issues with the pairings (“Me and Fluttershy? Dear, I love and adore her, but Fluttershy would be way, way too quiet for my tastes…”), but it was the fashions that Twilight Sparkle had attired the ponies in was where she had problems. “Twilight Sparkle, I know that you are a well-read and well-educated pony, but an all-black ensemble for me? Yes, I know it’s traditional for the whole Evil Overlord thing, but stark black and white does not work well with blue. Personally, I would have gone with a white-and-blue body suit with cape. Not traditional I know, but when I have ever been held back by tradition? Of course, with Applejack as one of my hoofmaidens, she’d have to be dressed superbly, as well…”
Which, of course, instantly set Applejack off. Between the various sexual permutations Twilight Sparkle had set up for her (“Sugarcube, we ain’t in the Applelacha Mountains, where me and Big Macintosh would be able to do those kinds of things!”), or the seemingly infinite combining of her and Rarity together (“We’d drive each other nuts in a month!” “But, it would be such a fashionable madness, dear.” “Not the point!” “Oh, I think you’d look wonderful, Applejack…” “Not the point!”), and the attack of blushing when the few combinations of her and Twilight Sparkle came up (“Sugarcube, you...do seem to have a way with making a home with me when you write.”)...it took a while to disengage the two.
All the while, of course, with Rarity using a tape measure and magic to measure the two of them for wedding dresses.
Aloe and Lotus were by soon after-with a lifetime membership to the spa and some very seductive flank-brushing (“We would show you such a very happy ending.” “Oh yes, Lotus, that we would…”) before Twilight Sparkle had gotten them out of the library and she was required to explain to the foals what a “happy ending” meant in this context. Zecora, a touch disappointed that she seemed to be relegated to “exoitc love interest”, was quickly placated by pointing out that she only was really known to the Ponyville ponies in general for about two years.
It was Big Macintosh that had really thrown her for a loop. In cold, deeply philosophical detail, he had attacked every single pairing that he had been set up in-Braeburn (incest), Applejack (double incest and not in the Applelacha Mountains), Princess Luna (scary princess that was about his height, but still-Princess), and just about every other paring but herself and Cheerlee. Big Macintosh found it a problem that for some reason everypony thought him and Cheerlee were together-or should be. He took it as an honor that Twilight Sparkle thought highly enough of him to think of him that way, but Big Macintosh was hemmed in by the simple fact that it was now Princess Twilight Sparkle.
In her shock, Twilight Sparkle realized she could remember every single idea and concept that Big Macintosh had talked about. But, she couldn’t remember a single word beyond “Eyup” or “Nope”.
Cheerlee had followed soon after, carrying a massive pile of scrolls in her bags. She had taken every single story, and soaked them in red ink as she had graded and edited them. That Twilight Sparkle had protested that these were merely little stories written to entertain herself held no sway with Cheerlee, whom pointed out that every single possible word that Princess Twilight Sparkle had written was potentially a document readable by historians. “What would they say if you had improperly used the subjunctive?”
“That I was very busy and trying to save Equestria from disaster?”
It was the stories with Big Macintosh and Cheerlee that had the most red ink...and were mostly due to technical issues, like size and how they would get around each other and…
Twilight Sparkle swore she could see Cheerlee blushing in every single line of commentary.
Fluttershy had flown in, and...well, that had been an interesting conversation. In a whole hesitant, “I’m not sure if I should be guilty about this…” way, Fluttershy was kind of honored that Twilight Sparkle thought she had done all these possible things. She even offered to talk with Twilight Sparkle about making sure the details were right for future stories. “Except on Tuesdays,” Fluttershy had noted.
“Why not Tuesdays?”
“Because,” Fluttershy said, in a way both shyly and slyly, “that’s when my cult meets to summon a tentacular horror to pony responsibly with all of us.”
Twilight Sparkle’s face just...froze for a second, then she broke out into laughter. And, Fluttershy had laughed along with her.
It was the last of her friends, Pinkie Pie, that had done the most for Twilight Sparkle when she had come in. Namely, Pinkie Pie had come in with a tackle hug that had knocked over and a long string of “Thank you thank you thank you thank you! I didn’t think that anypony realized just how much I loved all my friends and maybe not in that way in a few cases and then there was the story with the cupcakes and that was a bit weird but I think that you were really depressed when you wrote that and chocolate always helps me with that and…”
“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight Sparkle interrupted. “I was worried...that you’d be upset at me writing those kinds of stories about you.”
“Well, maybe the one with the cupcakes, but Twilight Sparkle...you have to care about something to write about it. Enough to spend the time and effort, and I mean this one story…,” and somehow Pinkie Pie had pulled one of her larger story scrolls out from...somewhere, “where we’re all friends as much as lovers. You care and you care enough to care for your friends in the ways they need caring and I have to like that.”
“But…”
“Twilight Sparkle, even the stories which are scary are scary because you care about the ponies involved in them. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to write a good scary story about Rarity and her lists,” Pinkie Pie smiled. “You’re really good at sharing how much you care about the ponies you care about.”
“Wow…,” Twilight Sparkle said, awed.
“That, and, if you wanted to do what we did in that story with the fudge,” Pinkie Pie grinned so wide her teeth took up half her face, “we’ll have to wait until the Cakes are out of town so we don’t disturb anypony with the sounds.” She curled up to Twilight Sparkle and whispered conspiratorially in her ear, “I’m a bit of a screamer, you see…”
Twilight Sparkle nearly choked on herself, laughing.
And, the whole day, more and more scrolls came in. Spike would be swimming through piles of scrolls by tomorrow at the current rate of arrival. Twilight Sparkle was going to have to invent a magical diverter just so Spike could get some sleep, let alone stop coughing up dozens upon dozens of scrolls. The sheer number of scrolls had to be doing horrible things to Spike’s throat. The subject matter of the scrolls didn’t help, either. She had just gotten a scroll-before retreating under her sheets-from Iron Will, for Faust’s sake! She was getting more from Princess Celestia and Luna...and, they were technical details, not complaints...which was even more worrying. If she got a scroll from King Sombra (or worse, a coherent one from King Sombra), she was going to scream. Thank Celestia she never put to paper some of her more incestuous thoughts of Shining Armor and her mother…
BURP! Crackle. Plop.
“Um, Twilight, this is the first one from Trixie,” Spike said nervously, putting the scroll near her muzzle.
Oh no. Of all the stories she had written, the ones that had involved Trixie should have never, ever seen the light of Celestia’s Day. And, Twilight Sparkle was scared which one she had read first...hopefully, she got the right idea from the story where Twilight Sparkle was properly disciplining the Regretful and Remorseful Trixie…
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
So, you never did learn who stole Chico from you! The Great and Powerful Trixie loves his spine and his impressive winding knobs and will always keep him from you! Come and get him, if you dare!
Something cracked in the bedroom. It might have been the winding stick in the Absolute Personal Disaster scroll. Twilight Sparkle’s wings popped fully open, knocking the sheets away, and there was this look on her face…
“Um, Twilight...are you okay?” Spike asked, nervously.
“Never better,” Twilight Sparkle smiled the sort of smile that a pony might have seen from the dragon that was going to swallow it up in one gulp. Her voice was too calm. “Red flag day, Spike. I’m going to be out of town for a few days.”
She instantly got off the bed and was sorting through the closet. Spike looked over, and realized that she was getting out the interesting toy bag. “Twilight, are you sure you’re all right? Should I send Princess Celestia a letter to ask for her to talk to you…”
“And to see if I’m going to take over the world or something?” Twilight Sparkle finished, with that same, terrible smile on her face. “Oh no, Spike, first of all, I’m not going to be taking over the world. Second of all, I’m just going to have fun with a pony and a checklist. Won’t be a problem at all, I promise! Oh, you may want to make up the guest bedroom, we may have a guest or two.”
“Who’s the guest?” Spike asked curiously.
“Oh, I don’t know yet,” Twilight Sparkle smiled ominously. She got the interesting toy bag firmly settled on her flanks and belted on. “The Sore and Repentant Trixie may be in the dungeons, not in the bedroom.” And then, with a pop, she vanished in a teleportation blink.
Spike sighed, and found the folder with the pre-written scrolls in it. He found the “Twilight Sparkle may have gone spare, but not in a world-conquering sort of way” scroll, rolled the scroll up, sealed it, and sent it off in a spark of flame to Princess Celestia.
BURP! Crackle. Plop.
Spike sighed. Another scroll about the stories, and a new correspondant. This one was the first one from...King Sombra?
Spike opened the scroll up and read it. Amazingly literate, if the subject matter didn't made him blush…
Author's Note
I blame Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder.
And John Ringo.
Mostly John Ringo. 60% or so of the blame is his.
Anyways, the 40% is about Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder, where you get to do horrible things to ponies in a romantic manner. Go forth, find it, play it, and watch as you do terrible things...
On John Ringo...ah yes. The "Paladin of Shadows" series was his "darkfic" that he wrote as a palliate cleanser. Something to write so that he could get the ideas out of his head when he was writing more "serious" stories.
According to myth, Jim Baen found out about it and asked to see a copy. John Ringo said yes, and a few days later Jim called and said, "How soon can you write more, I've already got the marketing campaign set up..."
The series is a New York Times Bestseller. And has won romance novel awards. For a series that is pretty much "man gets lots of money, pussy, and blows up Islamic militants and assholes."
(It's actually a good series to read. Most of it is in paperback. Go to Amazon.com and enjoy! Say I sent you!)
