Seacord and the Moderately Inconvenienced Rainbow Dash
Nopony ever expects to meet their true love when they wake up in the morning, but then again, nopony ever expects to become an undead abomination either. Those things hardly ever happen, right?
***
“I don't see why I'm the one who has to foalsit you.” Rainbow Dash folded her forelegs in disgust. “Hey! Are you even listening to me!?”
Discord merrily did the backstroke down the main street in Ponyville. The hard-packed dirt road splashed and rippled as he swam through it. Other ponies stood back to watch from a safe distance. A few tentatively stepped forward and tapped on the ground, wondering if it was safe to walk on.
Discord yawned and stretched out his arms. The irate pegasus hung low and glared in his face. “There seems to be an annoying buzzing in the air. But I guess that's gnat really my problem, is it?”
A swarm of tiny black flies appeared out of nowhere and buzzed around Rainbow Dash, who cringed and swatted at the air with her wings to drive them off. “Ackpth—hey! That's it! I don't care what Twilight says, you can be somepony else's problem.” Dash fumbled in the air after driving the flies away and turned her back to fly off.
“Ah, yes, there goes the so-called 'Element of Loyalty' folks—abandoning her royal duties for ice cream.” Rainbow Dash stopped mid-air and turned around to glare at him. “Oh no, don't mind me. You can go and fly off like you wanted to. You're setting such a fine example for the little ones.” Discord pointed out a group of fillies, who looked up at Rainbow expectantly.
“Arrgh, you—!” Rainbow Dash flew back and pointed a hoof at Discord. “Don't think that you can get rid of me that easily. I'd never desert my duties.”
Discord snickered. “Of course you wouldn't. You're the Rainbow Applejack. The most honest pony in all of Equestria.”
Rainbow Dash nodded and placed her hooves against her hips. “That's right and you'd better not forget—wait, what did you call me?”
“You want me to call you? Are we dating now?” Discord snaked up and wrapped an arm around her. He offered her a bouquet of wilted white flowers to sweeten the deal.
Rainbow Dash blushed despite herself and squirmed out of his grip. “Ack, Discord, don't do that!”
Discord's eyes widened and he dropped the flowers, which exploded. “Oh woe is me, for I have been rejected.” He leaned back and sobbed out fountains of chocolate milk.
Rainbow Dash winced and flew back to wipe the brown splotches off of her. “And don't do that either.” She sighed and dragged a hoof down her face. “This whole thing's just been one terrible idea. How can I teach you anything about the importance of loyalty if you keep goofing off and don't take anything seriously?”
“Ah yes, because obviously I haven't learned that lesson yet.” Discord waved a paw in the air and the image of Tirek's smug face hung there a few seconds before fading away. Rainbow Dash frowned, but Discord shrugged. “Twilight obviously just wants her friends to get along better, and you haven't been the least bit accommodating in that regard.”
“So it's about me now, is it?” Rainbow Dash sighed and landed in front of him. “Fine, I'll play along—anything to make this day go by faster. What do you want to do, then?”
“That's the spirit!” Discord rubbed his clawed fist on her noggin. “What do I want to do? Hmm... now that's interesting.” Discord snaked past her and grinned at the sight of a flier pinned to a lamppost. “Oh, yes. This will be perfect.” He pulled the flier down and presented it for Rainbow Dash to see. “I'd very much like for you to do this.” He grinned.
“What? But—” Rainbow Dash held up a hoof, then lowered it, then she threw them both in the air. “Oh, why the hay not? I could use a stiff drink right about now anyway.”
***
“Look, I know this is open mic night and all, but is this some kind of joke?” The irate reddish-violet earth pony bartender scowled at them. Some chairs jumped up and started dancing on nearby tables. The ponies sitting at those locations blinked their eyes and looked into their mugs, as if wondering if they'd had too much to drink already. “You brought Discord into a bar?”
“Hey, it's not I have him on a leash or anything.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “Besides, he's a grown, uh, thing, and he can go where he wants.”
Berryshine groaned and waved her hoof to get the bouncer's attention. She pointed at the disorderly chairs. “Fine, he can stay, but I'm switching the tap to foal brew. The last thing we want around here is a drunken Discord.” There was much groaning as she corked the keg and carried it off to replace it with a green-banded barrel.
Rainbow Dash groaned the loudest. She never intentionally set out to get drunk but she was hoping to be at least buzzed by the time her turn came to give a performance. Discord had insisted that she sign up, then promptly declined to do so himself. She waited for the bartender to get things set back up before passing off two bits for the brew of the day. She wondered if a mug of non-alcoholic grape juice could cure a headache.
Morosely, she pulled up a stool and sat at a table to sip her drink. The table was made from solid oak and from the looks of it, it was older than the bar itself. The varnish had been mostly scratched off and a growing crack marred the surface. Idly, Rainbow Dash wondered if it was possible to get a splinter in her hoof.
Discord pulled up a stool opposite her and made a show of taking a swig from his mug of foal-friendly grape juice. He leaned back and threw his feet onto the table. “Ah, yes. This is the life. So what do you plan to do for me? Dancing? Singing? Going to tell jokes?”
Rainbow Dash deadpanned and didn't respond. She buried her face in her mug.
A screeching noise filled the air as a bluish-gray unicorn adjusted the sound equipment and triggered feedback. The boisterous atmosphere came to a hush after the sound faded. “Sorry about that folks,” the unicorn, who went by the name of Neon Lights, said. He frowned and tapped on the mic. The noise could be heard from the speakers, but it wasn't as loud as he liked. He adjusted the volume and when he spoke again his voice filled the whole room. “It looks like we have a number of brave souls signed up tonight. First off I'd like everypony to give a warm welcome to Torch Song, best known for her singing as a member of the Ponytones.”
Rainbow Dash clacked her hooves together, as did everypony else in the bar. Discord rolled his eyes.
“Why thank you kindly, folks.” The cream mare took to the stage and stood in front of the microphone. She adjusted her bow tie while waiting for the audience to settle down. The blue jewels in her two-tone red mane that was done up in a bun caught the light and sparkled. “Tonight, I have something special. I'd like to debut a solo piece I've been working on called 'dropping the beat.' Ahem.”
Torch Song got no further than clearing her throat before the ceiling opened up and she was buried under a huge pile of hard, red taproots. She shrieked and tried to shield herself with her limbs but it did her no good. A pained “...ow...” was the only sound she make from under the pile of vegetables.
“Discord, what was that for?” Rainbow Dash hissed at him. “I really wanted to hear her sing.”
“She said she was dropping beets, and she did. I don't see any problem.”
“That's not what she meant!” Rainbow Dash glared at him.
Others in the bar were whispering as well, and Neon Lights walked on stage again when it became apparent that no singing was going to take place. Berryshine and her bouncer carried the dazed mare off on a stretcher. “Uh, sorry folks. Tough crowd, I guess.” Neon looked at his list. “Next up, we have Lemon Hearts, who's best known as the hoof behind the Power Ponies.”
The yellow unicorn walked up and blushed. “Heh, well, I don't think anypony knew that until you mentioned it just now. Uh, speaking of which, I got a lot of mixed reviews about the enchanted comic series. Those will be discontinued for general circulation until further notice, but such comics that have already been distributed are not going to be recalled.” She glanced behind her and kicked a beet off the stage. “I didn't come up here to talk trade, though. I'd like to show off my tap-dancing!”
Lemon Hearts levitated a cane and twirled it in the air next to her. She took one step to the left, and a bear trap snapped shut on her left foreleg. She yelped in pain and hopped around the stage before tripping on a pile of beets and falling off. She too had to be carried off too.
Discord rubbed his chin. “Hmm, guess she wasn't good at trap dancing after all.”
“Tap dancing, tap dancing, not trap dancing.” Rainbow Dash groaned. “Are you going to do this to everypony?”
“I don't know what you're talking about,” he said. Rainbow Dash scowled at him.
“Well folks, can we have a round of applause for that interesting performance?” Neon Lights asked. Some ponies clacked their hooves but they weren't very enthusiastic. “Next up, there's Caramel?”
The tan stallion shook his head and didn't get up.
“Uh, nevermind. Star Hunter?”
The dark pegasus also shook his head.
Neon Lights frowned skimmed through the list of names. “We might well skip straight to Rainbow—”
“I'm not going to back out.”
Neon Lights lowered the list and frowned at the unicorn who'd spoken. “You do realize that Discord is sabotaging everypony's acts, right?”
A lilac unicorn with a two-tone blue and light blue streaked mane hopped up on stage. “How do you know that? Perhaps they meant for those things to happen?”
“Right. I'm sure Lemon Hearts intended to step on that bear trap she didn't bring with her.” Neon Lights rolled his eyes. “Whatever, lady, it's your funeral—”
“Wedding.”
“...what?”
“I'd rather have a wedding than a funeral.”
Discord snickered. “I think I like this one. You know—” he elbowed Rainbow Dash “—maybe we should get married. Wouldn't Twilight be surprised?”
Dash inched away from him so far that she moved to different table. “Her and everypony else,” she muttered.
Neon Lights sighed. “I'm not sure everypony here would agree with you that getting married is better than being buried, but anyway, please give a warm welcome to Sea Swirl. She's best known for her utterly ridiculous fish tales, if you know what I mean.”
“Hey! My stories make perfect sense!” Sea Swirl yelled over the ponies who were cheering for her, which wasn't actually that many. “Humph. We'll see who's laughing when King Afrocornicorn sails in and sweeps the nation with his army of pygmy zebra-crabs.” That statement was met with indifferent silence. She frowned and pulled the microphone closer to her with a hoof when her magic fizzled out. “Anyway, today's tale is about—huh?”
A large orange fish with three wavy white stripes swam through the air and hovered next to her. It turned around and promptly started slapping her in the face with its tail. “Ackpth—hey!”
Discord snickered and whispered to Rainbow Dash, “She sure is clown-fishing around.” Rainbow Dash groaned and wondered if it would help if she moved to yet another table.
“Grr.” Sea Swirl tried to swat the fish away, but it avoided her efforts to drive it off. Changing tactics, the next time it turned around to slap her in the face she bit its tail and whipped her neck around to fling it behind her at the stage. There was a loud snapping noise as another bear trap went off. Sea Swirl grinned as a severed fish head rolled past her off the stage.
Raindow Dash laughed. “She sure got 'ahead' of you there, didn't she?”
“She killed my fish.” Discord blinked. “She killed my fish.”
“Oh, pu-leeze, you call that thing a fish? It was hardly even a minnow.” Sea Swirl leaned against the podium. Her face was lightly scratched but she didn't seem to care. She pointed a hoof at Discord. “Now, if you're looking for a real fish, then let me tell you the tale about the alabaster leviathan...”
Discord sat in his chair and rubbed his beard while Sea Swirl told the story of the ferocious monster and the crazed old pegasus sea captain who insisted on having a tea party with it. In the end, his ship went down and the crew flew away, but he still won, in a way, because he'd packed the cargo hold with dried leaves that turned the sea into tea as it sank.
“It's tea bad nothing like that ever happens around here.” Discord snapped his talons and the entire stage turned into a brownish liquid. Sea Swirl yelped before falling down in a huge splash. A wave of liquid spread out over the floor and got everypony's hooves wet. Discord swam over and rose up to loom over the soggy unicorn. “Aww, did I 'sink' your little performance? So sorry.”
Sea Swirl burst out laughing and pounded her hooves on the floor, splashing herself. Discord drew back in surprise.
“My bar!” Berryshine splashed her way over and glared at them both. “I've had enough of this! Discord, I don't know and I don't care what you're up to, but it's not going to happen in here. If you're going to break things, do it outside!”
Discord frowned and opened his mouth to say something but Sea Swirl got up and whispered something in his ear. His beady red eyes went wide and an evil grin spread across his face. He snapped his talons and the walls and ceiling of the bar vanished into thin air. “Technically, we're now outside.”
The afternoon sun shone down and ponies looked around in confusion. The tea coating the floor drained away through the streets. Ponies outside stopped what they were doing in puzzlement, but shrugged and carried on when they saw Discord at the center of the mess.
Berryshine's jaw dropped. She slowly picked it up off the floor and her face turned beet red in the process. It was easy to make that comparison because beets were lying on the floor next to her. “Why you—!” Dircord met her gaze with a blank stare. Next to him, his unlikely accomplice was grinning from ear to ear. “Oh forget it!” Berryshine threw up her hooves in defeat. “I can tell when I'm outnumbered. Buildings practically grow on trees these days anyway.” She turned around and stormed off, leaving what was left of the bar unattended.
Sea Swirl bent down and picked up a red taproot. “It looks like she—drum-roll please—beet it.”
Discord threw back his head and laughed.
“Discord, just what do you think you're doing?” Rainbow Dash flew over to him and scowled.
“I'm just having a little fun, that's all.” He folded his arms in defiance.
“Grr. Look, I don't mind if you're a little crazy, but I draw the line when you start destroying ponies' livelihoods. You're going to have to fix this.” Rainbow Dash waved her hooves to encompass the ruins of the bar.
“Or you'll what?” Discord frowned. “Go crying to Twilight like a baby?”
“Yes, that, exactly.” Rainbow Dash put her hooves against her hips and glared at him.
Discord pouted and raised a hand to snap his talons. “Oh fine, be that—”
“How can you be so mean to him? Can't you see he's just trying to make a new friend?” Sea Swirl leaned over and batted her eyes up at him.
Rainbow Dash blinked. She flew down and landed next to Sea Swirl. “Now you I don't get. He assaulted you with a fish and made a mess of your performance. Why are you taking his side?”
“Can't you see? Everypony always mocks me and my 'ridiculous' fish tales. With handsome Discord at my side, we can finally show those plebeians how my stories really happened.”
Discord's eyed grew wide and a grin crawled up his face. “Oh, yes...”
“This better not end with a sea monster attacking Ponyville,” Rainbow Dash warned.
“Not all of my stories are about sea monsters, you know,” Sea Swirl huffed. “Why, I know this one story in particular where an earth pony colt was fishing out in the middle of a lake. He'd ignored the warning signs that the lake was haunted and spent the whole afternoon filling a bucket with his catches. He was congratulating himself on his haul when he felt a cold wind kiss his cheek.
“He shivered despite the warm, oppressively humid air. His heart thumped in his chest. He saw dancing lights skim across the surface of the lake. Those were will-o-wisps—the last earthly remnants of unfortunate souls who'd been dragged to an untimely watery grave by the restless dead. The wind wrapped around him, and the fur on his back rose. That had to be her, the Mare of the Mist.
“He tuned around to face her and saw instead a huge waterspout barreling down on him.” Sea Swirl stretched her forelegs as far apart as they would go for emphasis.
Discord snickered and snapped his taloned hand. A tornado suddenly appeared in the middle of Ponyville. The black funnel of doom roared with a sound like a freight train and whipped up a debris field to cloak its base in a rotating cloud of dust. Ponyville's lax building standards became laxer as thatch roofs were torn off and unsupported walls folded like bad poker hands. Ponies out in the streets screamed and bolted from the meandering disaster.
“Hey! What did I just say about destroying ponies' livelihoods!?” Rainbow Dash snarled.
“Eh, they'll rebuild those things. They always do.” Discord shrugged.
“Discord!” Sea Swirl glared at him.
“See? Even she agrees with me.”
“Waterspouts form on water.”
“Oh, right.” Discord raised his hand again.
“Don't you dare!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
Discord ignored her and snapped his talons again. Ponyville was promptly flooded under a foot of water. The tornado took on a more pleasant-looking grayish-white color as it rampaged through Ponyville knocking down buildings.
Rainbow Dash sputtered with rage. A vein popped out of her forehead. “Why, you—” She flew over and pressed a hoof against his nose. “That's it! You've gone way too far! I'm going to bust up that stupid waterspout of yours and I'm telling Twilight on you so she can put you in your place. Goodbye!” Rainbow Dash flew off, and Discord was left looking chastised.
Sea Swirl nudged him in the side and whispered up to him, “Did I mention that the waterspout was full of piranhas?” Discord grinned and his hands glowed with power.
Rainbow Dash dove headfirst into the carnivorous swirling vortex of doom. “Augh, teeth!”
The funnel vortex turned red with blood and blue feathers scattered everywhere. Rainbow Dash barely had a chance to scream. The onlookers who hadn't fled gasped in horror at the scene unfolding before them. Discord allowed the waterspout to rope out and dissipate, taking the carnivorous fish with it. All that was left of Rainbow Dash was a neatly stacked pile of bones.
Sea Swirl gasped and ran over to them with wide eyes. “I-I didn't mean for you to kill her.”
Discord shrugged. “I didn't.”
The pile of bones groaned and picked itself up. “Wha-what happened?” It's voice was a far cry from her usual tenor. It sounded like blackboards being dragged across a bed of nails. It reverberated on itself and sounded as if it was coming from the bottom of an endless well. “Huh? Why is my voice so strange?” The skeleton 'opened' its empty eye sockets and when it did so a magenta light flared inside them. They glowed with the same color that her fleshy eyes used to have. “Ugh, my head.” The skeleton raised a bony foreleg to rub its skull. The limb froze in midair. It's glowing eyes shrank to points. “Aaaaugh!”
Frantically, the skeleton looked itself over, all the while screaming louder and louder.
“Snap out of it.” Discord rapped on her skull. “It's only a flesh wound.”
“Ow, hey!” She glared at him with as much hatred as she could muster, which wasn't all that much, actually. She lacked a face to glare with and the permanent skeletal grin ruined the effect. “A flesh wound!? It's, like, all of my flesh. Discord, why am I a skeleton?”
“That tends to happen when you fly headfirst into a piranhaspout.” He shugged.
“What? But it wasn't full of piranhas just five seconds ago!”
Sea Swirl shrugged. “If you'd ever bothered to listen to my stories you'd have known that was going to happen.”
“That's not fair. I hardly ever go to these things.” The skeleton stomped a bony hoof. It splashed when it hit the floodwaters.
“Life wouldn't be any fun if it were fair,” Discord said.
“This sucks. I don't want to be skeleton. Discord, give me my flesh back!”
“Hmm.” Discord rubbed his chin. “So the skeleton hungers for flesh. How original.”
“Yes! I-I mean no. I mean—oh, you know what I mean. Come on, this isn't funny. Give me my flesh back!”
“And just why should I do that?” Discord asked.
“Because I need it to live, that's why.”
“You seem to be doing just fine without it,” Sea Swirl said.
“And I have no idea why that is.” The skeleton not-glared at Discord again.
The three of them stood ankle deep in the flooded and mostly-ruined center of Ponyville. Even with the tornado gone, the other townsponies hadn't returned. By now, they knew the best way to handle any problem with Discord was to stay as far away as possible until Twilight fixed everything. Rainbow Dash, or rather what was left of her, still thought she could fix things herself, though. “You'd better give me my flesh back right away or you'll be in a load of trouble.”
“Wait a minute.” Sea Swirl waded over and looked her in her glowing eye sockets. “This reminds me of another one of my stories.”
“Oh, really?” Discord snaked himself around Sea Swirl, and she nuzzled up against him in response.
“Guh?” The skeletal remains of rainbow Dash stood there in shock. She couldn't properly express that emotion without a face, but her jaw hung open lower than it should. In fact, it looked as if it might fall off.
“Yes. You see, it's about this pegasus who ran afoul of a suave and sexy draconequus.” Sea Swirl giggled with a slight blush on her face, then broke into song.
“She was a wet towel who hated fun,
and got cursed and had her flesh undone.
She's now an irate pile of walking bone,
and to get her flesh back she must atone.
But how can a skeleton make amends?
She must do good deeds; ones she intends.
“What knows what evil lurks within the heart?
When a pony dies it does not depart.
What knows what terror that lives within the mind?
We have it within us; I'm sure you'll find.
What knows what rage rises up to the skin?
Whatever it is, it lurks immersed within.
“Evil. Terror. Rage.
The bones know.
The bones know.
“When you're feeling blue like the sky is true,
and you're feeling down and wearing a frown,
and the day is glum and you want some rum,
and you're feeling bland and can't see land,
and you're lost at sea like floating debris,
just think of this and you'll feel like bliss:
“The mare who'd been cursed was just walking bone.
Of her cursed fate she did wail and bemoan.
They say her heart had been three times too small,
but now she had no heart—none at all.
The evil, terror, rage that the bones did know,
was all that remained and it did show.
“How can a creature that's nothing but dark—
do something nice like a kiss in the park?
How can a creature that's driven by hate—
manage to be kind in a twist of fate?
How can a creature that's rightfully feared—
be happy and fun and silly and weird?
“Kindness. Niceness. Fun.
The bones don't know.
The bones don't know.
“But this was the ill fate of Rainbones Dash.
To make amends she'd have to make a splash.
A good worthy deed that's nice, kind and fun—
is against her nature but must be done.
With that task complete, her curse can depart.
Within her ribcage she'll grow a new heart.”
Sea Swirl finished with a flair and splashed in the water. Discord rubbed his chin and watched from aside with a very bemused expression on his face, though he stared more at Sea Swirl instead of 'Rainbones Dash,' who stood there unmoving.
“Wait a minute. Was that song about me?” the skeleton asked.
Sea Swirl's mouth fell open. “Seriously? Losing your brain hasn't made you any smarter, I see,” she grumbled.
“Hmm, I don't know,” Discord said. “She seems about the same to me. She always was kind of dumb.”
“What!? I'm not stupid—”
“—said the fleshless abomination,” Discord finished for her.
“And how is that my fault!?”
“What? The stupidity?” Sea Swirl asked.
“No, not the stupidity—”
“So you admit you're stupid?”
“What? No!” Rainbones Dash stomped her hoof in the floodwaters. Her bones clacked in response amid the splash. She immediately withdrew it. “I really hope I'm not stuck like this so long that I'll get used to things like that.” She would have shivered if she could. As it was, she only rattled a bit. “So, um... I guess you wanted me to do a good deed and you'll give me my flesh back?”
“That's the general idea,” Sea Swirl said.
“That should be a snap! I do good deeds all the time. I'll be done with this and have my flesh back in—” Rainbones Dash spread her wings and uselessly flailed them in the air. She'd lost a lot of weight when she became a skeleton, but her wings had no feathers on them whatsoever and she was unable to generate any lift. “—um, okay... I guess this will have to take longer than ten seconds.”
Rainbones Dash folded her delicate wing bones against her ribcage and surveyed the damage in Ponyville. Despite the floodwaters lingering around town and the rows of houses reduced to rubble, there was a notable lack of any ponies crying out for help. Rainbones Dash narrowed her glowing eyes. If she was going to find some pony to aid, she'd have to look elsewhere.
***
On a nearby hill overlooking Ponyville, many of the townsponies had gathered around a stockpile of goods that Wildfire kept around for 'angry mob emergencies.' The tan pegasus had crazed look on her face as she passed out her pitchforks and torches. Everypony thought she was crazy for keeping those things around, but look who was crazy now.
“I'd likpth a torth too pweese,” Roseluck sort-of said. She had trouble speaking while holding pitchfork in her mouth.
“Sure! Pitchforks and torches for everypony!” Wildfire wrapped a hoof around a burning oil-soaked stick and broke down into a slightly hysterical giggling fit when she extended her foreleg out to the flower pony.
Roseluck stared at it. “Um...” Unlike the pegasai, who could carry their items in their forelegs and still fly around, or the unicorns, who could levitate things, Roseluck was an earth pony who could only carry one item in her mouth and not very comfortably at that. If she wanted to have both a pitchfork and a torch, she'd have to get creative. Being creative, however, wasn't the same thing as having common sense.
Roseluck turned around and wrapped the torch in her pink-streaked raspberry tail, which promptly burst into flames. It flared bright orange, then turned black as the flame advanced. The acrid, sulfurous smell of burnt hair made other ponies gag as Roseluck stared dumbfounded at the results of her stupidity.
“Aaaaaa!” She twitched her tail and flung the torch away, but the fire remained as it ate through her expensive coiffure. Her efforts to shake the fire out only fanned it and make her tail burn faster. “Sompony, anypony, help!”
“I'll save you!”
Roseluck looked around in the hopes that somepony had stopped gawking long enough to rush to her aid. What she saw instead was a bleached-white skeleton with eerie glowing eyes crawl out of the bushes. Her heart lept in her chest and she turned pale in fright. Before anypony else's heart even had a chance to beat, she hit the ground running and shot off like a missile. The smoking cloud she kicked up behind her temporarily blinded the crowd.
When the dust settled, Rainbones Dash fond herself partially surrounded by a semicircle of irate townsponies, all of whom were carrying pitchforks and torches. “Uh, maybe we could talk—”
“See? I told you guys that my 'angry mob senses' were tingling for a reason.” Wildfire pointed a hoof at the skeleton. “Well, what are you waiting for? Get it!”
“Eeeeek!” Rainbones Dash turned tail and fled with the angry mob hot on her joints, all the while giving out the girliest undead shriek ever.
Sea Swirl and Discord, who'd only shown up to observe, rolled over in hysterical fits of laughter in a nearby bush.
***
“Scootaloo, are ya trying to get a flame retardant cutie mark?” Apple Bloom asked.
“At least the fire's out,” Scootalo moaned. The orange pegasus filly had collided with the panicking mare and wound up on top of her flaming tail in the process, successfully smothering the fire. It only worked as well as it had because Scootaloo was wet from playing in the water. Thus, she missed out on a really lame cutie mark.
“Oooh,” Roseluck moaned as she untangled herself from the scooter and stood up. She saw the filly on her tail and noted the lack of fire. “Uh, thanks, I think.” She wanted to see the damage, but Scootaloo was in the way. “Please get off me.”
Scootaloo rolled off and Roseluck's tail made made a sort-of sickly cracking noise. The filly's hide was coated in ash and a fresh wave of burnt hair smell assaulted everypony's nostrils. Despite wanting to gasp at the damage, Roseluck had to pinch her nose and wave a hoof to fan the bad air away to avoid gagging.
“Oh no. Your poor tail.” Sweetie Belle unhelpfully lifted it up to get a better view. The unburnt section at the end broke free from the semicircular burnt area in the middle and fell off. Now, only the bottom raspberry-colored streak remained. The pink center streak and the top streak were both severed in the middle. “Oops.”
“Now you've done it. It's a total disaster.” Apple Bloom frowned.
Scootaloo finished dusting herself off and used her wings to fan away the resulting smoke cloud. “Yeah, I hate to say it, but we're going to have to amputate.”
“What!?” Roseluck gaped at them.
“Ooh, let me get my scissors.” Sweetie Belle clambered up the stairs to their clubhouse.
“N-now girls, let's not be hasty here.” Roseluck put on a wan smile but the crusaders weren't interested in what she had to say.
“Short tails can still be stylish, right?” Scootaloo asked.
“Maybe if it was done up in a bun?” Apple Bloom suggested.
“I don't want a short tail and I most certainly don't want it in a bun!”
“Found them!” Sweetie Belle hopped down next to them with her horn alit with magic. Roseluck yelped and hopped out of the way when a pair of scissors wrapped in a lime green aura descended on her tail. They snapped shut over empty air. “Hey, hold still or the cut will be crooked.” Sweetie frowned and chased after the fleeing mare with her instrument of mass follicle destruction magically in tow.
“This is so cool.” Scootaloo slapped her helmet back on and hopped on her scooter. She took off after Roseluck. Behind her, Apple Bloom helped Sweetie Belle climb into the wagon while it was moving. Properly seated, the three of them had no trouble keeping up with the increasingly panicking mare, who was forced to do acrobatic tricks while running to avoid losing her tail to the scissors haphazardly snapping at the air behind her. “We're going to be Cutie Mark Crusader Drive-by Emergency Tail-Care Specialists!”
As it became increasingly obvious that Roseluck wasn't going to outrun them, she started screaming. “Somepony, anypony, help!”
“Don't worry, concerned citizen. I'll save you!”
From behind a tree, the same skeletal pony from before stepped out in front of her. Its eerie glowing eyes pierced through her soul. Roseluck came to a screeching halt and felt the warmth drain from her face. With the horrifying visage before her, she didn't care that the scissors finally found their mark and she lost a decade's worth of growth in half a second.
Scootaloo, it should be noted, is a very capable pegasus. She can't fly like the others her age, but she can flap her wings up to fifty times per second. The only other avian capable of matching her for sheer wing speed is a hummingbird.
Between wingbeats, Roseluck turned pale and rocketed off towards the Everfree Forest.
When the dust settled, Rainbones Dash found herself staring face to eye sockets with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Roseluck's severed tail was whipped up in the wind and somehow wound up stuck in Dash's exposed teeth.
“Aaaaa!”
“A skeleton!”
“It ate Roseluck!”
Rainbones Dash spat out the partially-burnt hair. At that particular moment, she was glad she didn't have taste buds. “What? No I didn't.”
“Liar! We saw her disappear in a in a puff of smoke and then ya appeared with her tail in yer mouth!”
“That's proof!”
“No it's not.” Rainbones Dash raised a hoof to step towards them but they shrieked and ran off. “Wait, girls!” Rainbones Dash let out an irritated unholy snort and put her hoof back down.
The Crusaders popped their heads up from behind a nearby log. They all had gray army helmets on and their cheeks were streaked with black and pink war paint. Each of them brandished a large board with a nail in it.
“Um, girls?”
“You'll pay for eating Roseluck!” Scootaloo waved her board in the air menacingly.
“Yeah, we won't let you eat anypony else ever again!” Apple Bloom waved her board with perhaps a bit more skill than Scootaloo. Had she been taking fencing lessons?
“We're going to exorstick you right back where you belong.” Even Sweetie Belle manaaged to sound menacing, although she had to drop her board to speak since it was too heavy to carry with her magic.
“I... don't think you're pronouncing that word correctly,” Rainbones Dash said.
“Nuh-uh! These are our exorsticks and we're going to exorstick ya,” Apple Bloom said.
“Yeah, we're going to be Cutie Mark Crusader Exorstick-is-ists.” Scootaloo added, lamely.
Sweetie Belle picked up her board in her mouth and nodded.
Rainbones Dash started to back away. “Wait, girls, you've got it all wrong. I'm not a threat. It's me, Rainbow Dash.”
All three of their eyes went wide and they huddled together. Scootaloo broke out of the huddle wailing, “No! It ate Rainbow Dash!”
“What!? That's not what I—”
“Don't listen to it! It just wants to eat more ponies!” Apple Bloom yelled.
“Okay, time out you three. That's just plain stupid! I don't even have a stomach. I can't eat anypony like this!”
“It... really does want to eat ponies.” Sweetie Belle crouched down and shook with fear.
Scootaloo stared blankly into space. She looked as if she were in shock. “N-no, not Rainbow Dash...”
Apple Bloom furrowed her brow but her eyes darted around as if looking for exits. “Girls, stick to the plan. Y'all have to nail that thing now before it strikes again.” She waved her board around randomly.
Rainbones Dash stepped forward and hooked the board with her hoof joint. “Be careful with that thing. You could hurt somepony. Now, as I was saying—”
“It wants to hurt us!”
“It's got my weapon. Ah'm a goner!”
“Run!”
“Wait, girls!” Rainbones Dash motioned for them to stop, but that only made them run raster. The noises they made could only be described as the frightened wails of the living. Rainbones Dash shook her skull bone. Doing a good deed was turning out to be harder than it sounded.
Sea Swirl and Discord hadn't bothered to watch this time. They were still back in the same bush, making out.
***
“Why did I run into the Everfree Forest?”
She shouldn't be here. The wild, untamed forest was home to all sorts of nasty creatures that would happily gobble down ponies, turn them to stone, or do any other sort of nasty things to them. She really shouldn't be here.
Roseluck would have bolted again, but she was lost and didn't know which way to run. Birds chirping overhead caught her attention, but when she looked up she got a spiderweb in her face.
She freaked and frantically rubbed away the ghostly webbing. She sat there panting. Eventually, she built up the courage to take several deep breaths and calm herself. This place was spooky, but it wasn't actually all that different from a normal forest, was it? Towering fronds, spiky vines, and twisted, hollow trees said otherwise, but she could ignore those, right?
Roseluck whimpered and crept into a bush that was covered in tiny purple flowers. That, at least, looked safe. Carefully, she poked her head out the other side.
Daisies.
Roseluck blinked and rubbed her eyes. It was no illusion; she was staring at rows and rows of neatly planted daisies. It was like she'd wandered into her friend's flower garden, but no, these flowers really were in the middle of the Everfree Forest. She stepped out of the bush and sniffed at them. They smelled like daisies, and tasted like daisies too.
“What brings such a timid mare into the heart of my garde—er, lair?”
Roseluck swallowed and the half-chewed plants chafed as they slid down her throat. From the corner of her eye she made out white stripes and for a moment she thought the skeleton had found her again. She relaxed when it moved into view. It was no skeleton; it was just the oddly-striped white and black pony who lived out here and called herself Zecora.
“I... Sorry, was this your garden?”
“You speak the obvious, uh, like a bus... or something.”
Roseluck blinked. “Wait, aren't you supposed to be better at rhyming?”
“If you came here just to mock, in your mouth I'll shove—” Zecora waved a hoof in little circles in the air “—a sock.”
“...right. Everypony has their off days, I suppose.” Zecora frowned and Roseluck felt unwelcome in her gaze. She felt a bead of sweat roll down her face. “Uh, I came here because a skeleton was chasing me. I kind of sort of panicked and ran into the forest and got lost.” Roseluck grinned sheepishly.
“There's no such thing as a skeleton. That lie—it weighs a ton.”
“What? Yes there is. I saw it twice!”
“It sounds to me like you were being pranked. Somepony was naughty and needs, um, spanked.”
“It—those glowing, soulless eyes. I don't see how anypony could fake that,” Roseluck said quietly. A chill wind blew through the forest and something rustled up on the treetops. It was probably just a bird, probably. It sounded large, tough.
Zecora's eyes narrowed as she looked up into the canopy. “Let us converse in my place. There, we can talk face-to-face.”
Roseluck nodded and followed the zebra back to her tree home. Her door wore a large wooden mask decorated with fern fronds and various bottles hung from ropes dangling off the tree's limbs. The interior of her house was much like that as well, though the masks were on the walls and the bottles were on shelves and tables.
Zecora poured out liquid from a pink teapot and offered it to Roseluck, who accepted it. She hadn't realized just how parched her throat was until she'd drained her cup, twice. Idly, Roseluck noted that the tea set didn't match the style of Zecora's other possessions. It must have been a gift from one of the ponies in town.
“Thanks,” Roseluck said as she set her empty cup down for the third time. “That really hit the spot.”
Zecora poured herself of cup of tea as well. “I'm always happy to be of service. Here, you do not have to be nervous.”
“Hey, that rhymed,” Roseluck said.
Zecora facehoofed.
“Uh, sorry.” Roseluck raised her hoof to ask a question, but an idea came to her and she hopped off the stool to show off her severed tail instead. It had been cut so close to her rear that the short fleshy portion was visible. If it had been cut it any closer, it would have bled. “Uh, this got cut off by accident. Do you have anything that can help me grow it back faster?”
“Did I hear somepony say, ‘help?,’ ” said an unmistakable voice which sounded like the rattle of death raked over a smoldering pile of chalkboards.
“Not again!” Roseluck twisted her head and, to her horror, saw a fleshless skull poking through one of Zecora's open windows. Having already panicked twice today, her body was on high alert and the sheer speed at which the adrenaline shot through her body was astonishing. Should ponies ever invent the atomic cloak, they might note that the cesium-133 atom resonates exactly 9,192,631,770 times each second.
Between atomic vibrations, the petrified flower pony shot off and dove for cover, and, in that instant, surpassed even the greatest master in the art of the instantaneous linear panic[1]. It was a short panic, though. Trapped as she was inside the building, she couldn't flee properly, so she hid under Zecora's bed. That in itself was an accomplishment, since Zecora used the traditional Zebrican boulder bed. Seriously, it was five tons of solid rock and normally sat flush with the floor.
Zecora glanced at her precariously wobbling sleeping arrangement but chose instead to focus her attention on the bony intruder. “So the cursed dead shows up at my door? You've picked the wrong home; I'll make you no more!” She reached for a volatile bubbly-looking potion which gave off wisps of green gas.
“Wait, Zecora! Don't attack me. It's true, I've been cursed, but I'm not a threat. It's me, Rainbow Dash. Please, you have to listen!”
“Dash? But—” Zecora snorted and clenched her potion more tightly. “Regardless of the source of the restless dead, it's better for all if I put you back to bed.”
“Oh, come on!” Rainbones Dash threw her foreleg bones in the air. Fortunately, they remained attached. “Why does nopony ever listen!? You know what? I'm not doing this. You can skip the part where you don't listen to anything I say and chase me off because I'm leaving all on my own.” She hooked the shutters with her leg joints and slammed them shut behind her. Zecora's potion shattered against them.
Faint hoofsteps marked the departure of the undead.
Roseluck timidly stuck her head out from under the boulder. “Did—did you get it? Is it dead?”
Zecora shook her head. She'd have to replace that entire window since the acid was strong enough to scour glass. “No. I didn't hit it in time, and I'm saying this part just to rhyme.”
Roseluck scrunched up her face and raised an eyebrow. She felt safe enough to climb out from under the rock and let it clatter to the ground. “So, uh, is it going to come back? And you know, you don't really have to rhyme every—”
Zecora narrowed her eyes. “No. It should stay gone from here. And if you say that again, I'll give you a bruised ear.”
Roseluck reflexively flattened her ears. “Sorry. I won't mention it again. Um...” She looked at the annoyed zebra and thought better of asking about her tail again. She could always buy tail extensions. “I don't suppose you know how to get back to town?”
Zecora kicked open her door and pointed through it. “There's a trail that goes straight back to town. Keep your hooves on the ground and try not to—drown.”
“Ah. Thanks for the tea again, and for chasing that awful skeleton away. It's been, um, something. Bye.” Roseluck grinned wide and waved before she ran out down the trail through the woods.
Zecora shook her head. “Ugh, some ponies, they—” Zecora frowned and dug through a stack of books on one of her tables. “Where the blazes did I leave my rhyming dictionary?”
***
“Discord! Where are you!?” Rainbones Dash rattled her teeth in irritation as she tore through bush after bush looking for her tormenter. She'd searched much of the Everfree and was now back in town looking through the part of the park that hadn't been flooded.
Despite the fast pace she was searching, and all of the running she'd been doing, she wasn't tired at all. She had no muscles to tire. That was how she'd escaped from the angry townsponies. Even without the use of her wings, she was still one of the fastest ponies around. Being skeletonized hadn't changed that. So if they couldn't catch her in the first few minutes of the chase, they never would because they'd tire out and she didn't.
Dash would have frowned if she could. Here she was, thinking of the benefits of being a skeleton. “Discord!” she yelled.
Her cry fell on deaf grass. Seriously, it didn't care. It was grass.
Fuming in a way that only a skeleton could, Rainbones Dash drummed her wingbones against her ribcage. She looked up at the horizon where Twilight's new crystalline tree house stood. Thanks to the way it caught the light, it was always reflecting tiny rainbows across town. One passed over her eye sockets now.
On the one fibula, Twilight would be able to locate Discord quickly and force him to behave, but on the other one, she really didn't want Twilight to see her like this. Hmmm... Rainbones Dash raised a foreleg to inspect it more closely. “Wait a minute. Is that even a fibula? Maybe it's a fulcrum? Or a femur?” She could have sworn it started with an 'f.' She lowered her hoof and looked at her rear. “Or maybe I'm thinking of the hind legs? Gah! Why should I care what the individual bones are called!? All I know is that I shouldn't be able to see them.”
Determined to stop wasting time, Rainbones Dash set off again, this time towards Twilight's fortress. It was at this point, however, that the noises from a nearby bush finally penetrated her thick skull. It sounded like muffled moaning and smacking. “I... really shouldn't intrude on other ponies' business.” Her curiosity, however, got the better of her. She slunk low to the ground and poked her skull in the bush.
It was Sea Swirl and Discord tightly wrapped around each other kissing passionately.
“Augh! Oh yuck, you guys—” Rainbones Dash's sudden appearance caused them to jump and they quickly disentangled from each other. Sea Swirl shuffled aside blushing furiously and even Discord was red. In fact, he had a circular reddish welt on his neck. “—is-is that a hickey?”
Discord cringed and frantically waved his arms in the air. The signs of their overly-passionate affections disappeared with a wave of his hands.
“So... did you do it?” Sea Swirl asked.
“Did I 'do it?' I should be asking if you—”
“Did you do a good deed?” Sea Swirl cut her off. Her face was so red she looked like a boiled lobster. Discord was the same color.
“Uh... no,” Rainbones Dash said. “Look, I tried my best but everypony I met either ran off or tried to beat me up before I could even offer to help.”
“...oh.” Sea Swirl looked disappointed.
“That's too bad?” Discord shrugged.
“Look you two, I'm not going to play along with this anymore. Give me my flesh back, right now!” She stomped a hoof in anger. The unidentified bones in her leg clacked in response to the impact.
“Uh, well...” Discord glanced at Sea Swirl and rubbed the back of his head. “I kinda-sort-of set the spell to activate on its own. I can't really change it now.”
“What!?”
“Perhaps you could try one last time?” Sea Swirl suggested.
“Grrr. You two...” Rainbones Dash huffed and started walking back towards town. Her leg hit a fallen tree branch in the middle of the road and she nearly tripped. Without thinking, she dragged it off the road.
“Congratulations!” Sea Swirl yelled. She clacked her hooves together and grinned. “You did a good deed!”
“...what?”
Discord nodded. “That tree branch could have tripped somepony.”
“I... what... you mean, all I had to do was... pick up a stick?”
Sea Swirl shrugged. “Hey, we didn't say how good of a deed it had to be.”
“Oh, whatever, just give me my flesh back.”
“As you wish.” Discord bowed. “Rainbones Dash moved the hazardous stick out of the way. You know, they say that her heart grew three times that day.” Discord winked at Sea Swirl and snapped his talons.
Rainbones Dash was so excited at the prospect of having her flesh returned that she didn't notice that last part. She could feel her heart thudding in her chest. She could hear it too. “Um...” She looked down, and, to her horror, saw her heart sitting alone in her otherwise empty ribcage, beating away. “Augh!”
The peanut gallery rolled on the ground laughing.
“Where's the rest!? Why do I only have a heart!?”
“Well, that was how the song ended.” Discord snickered again. “Though if you want more than just your heart back, I'm sure we can make arrangements for your other internal organs.”
“What?”
“Perhaps hum a few bars and we'll give you your lungs back?” Sea Swirl suggested.
“What?”
“Well, I was thinking we could make her do a crossword puzzle to get her liver back,” Discord said.
“What!?”
“How about knitting us a sweater for her lower intestines?” Sea Swirl asked.
The light in Rainbones Dash's eye sockets twitched and flickered. “How is that even reasonable!?”
Discord slapped on a green beret. “Bring us a shrubbery, and I will offer unto you your left testicle.”
“Wha—but I'm a girl!” Her eyes sockets sparked and started smoking. “Oh, screw you guys! I can't take this anymore. I'm going straight to Twilight's and that's final!” She stomped off in a rage.
Sea Swirl poked Discord in the side. “Now this I have to see.”
“On it.” He waved his arms and they vanished into thin air.
***
Rainbones Dash rapped a hoof on the huge, crystalline door to Twilight's friendship palace. It resonated like a gong. That might have bothered her if that wasn't the way it always sounded. A small 'plop' was more disturbing. When she'd risen up to knock on the door, her heart had rolled out of her ribcage. She bent down to pick it up and was holding her beating organ in her mouth when Twilight opened the door.
“Ye—aaaaaaah!”
The door slammed shut.
“Mrrpth!” Inexplicably, Rainbones Dash couldn't talk with her mouth full. One would think her lack of vocal cords would be the bigger problem. Carefully, she twisted her neck and dropped her heart back in her ribcage. “Twilight! Open up! It's me, Rainbow Dash.”
The door cracked open wide enough for Twilight to poke her head out. Her brow was furrowed and her horn glowed menacingly.
“Twilig—ack!” A beam of magic paralyzed her. She felt like she was smothered in concrete.
“Take that! You, um...” Twilight's voice trailed off, and her magic faded as well. Her eyes grew wide with shock. “Rainbow Dash!?”
“Uh, that's what I said?” Rainbones Dash rubbed her skull. Bone against bone made a grinding noise. She stopped doing that. It hadn't helped anyway. Twilight's spell had somehow managed to make her non-existent brain hurt.
“But—what happened to you? Why are you a skeleton? Is that your heart?” Twilight still kept her door mostly shut. She couldn't look directly at Rainbones Dash without quickly averting her eyes. The revulsion on her face was plain to see. Dash couldn't blame her either; her situation was pretty ugly.
“Discord, Discord, and yes, thanks to Discord.” Dash stomped a hoof as if Discord was the answer to everything. It probably was.
Twilight winced when she heard the bones rattle. She frowned and looked up at the empty sky. Bending low, she fired off a blast of magic. It hit something. The air 'popped' and Discord appeared there with a shocked look on his face. Sea Swirl appeared next to him and they both comically waved their limbs in the air as they fell. The bucket of popcorn they'd been sharing spilled on the ground between them.
“Discord! What's the big ide—wait—” Twilight looked past him at the lilac unicorn “—Sea Swirl? What are you doing with Discord?”
She stood up and wrapped her forelegs around him protectively. “Can't a lady spend some time with her fiance?”
“WHAT!?” Everyone else, including Discord, was shocked at that statement.
“It's clear that we're perfect for each other. What we're feeling could only be true love, so why wait?”
Twilight blinked so much that she looked as if she were having a seizure. “Uh... Discord, is that... true?”
He shrugged. “I don't see why not.”
“Wait. Wait, wait, wait.” Rainbones Dash pointed a bony foreleg at Discord. “How is that even possible? Weren't you upset at her for killing your fish?”
“Well, it wasn't actually my fish, per se. It belonged to Pixar.” A lamp decided to hop around. Everypony ignored it.
“Wait, what fish?” Twilight asked. “Who's—”
“Nevermind about the fish.” Sea Swirl plopped her hoof on Twilight's mouth. “The point is that we're fully compatible and very awesome together.”
Twilight shoved Sea Swirl's hoof aside. The icy look on her face said under no uncertain terms was she ever to do that again. “You two only just met, didn't you? How can you be so certain?”
Sea Swirl giggled. “Well, in just a few hours after we met, we were already bouncing ideas off each other for ways that Rainbow Dash could earn her internal organs back.”
“That's not a good thing!” Rainbones Dash pounded her hoof on the ground, rattling her empty frame. Her heart was jostled by this movement, and fell out of her ribcage. “Not again!” She scooped it up in her foreleg bones and held it in front of her. “Uh, Twilight, I keep dropping this. Do you have someplace safe to put it where it won't get dirty?”
“Guh?” The look on Twilight's face was a mix of horror and sheer morbid curiosity.
“She's offering you her heart!” Sea Swirl blurted out.
“It's true love!” Discord added.
Rainbones Dash fumbled and almost dropped her heart again. “What? No I'm not, er, well, yes I am, but not that way!”
Twilight blushed and buried her head in her hooves in a poor attempt to hide her face. “Just... put it on the coffee table. This building's brand new and nothing's had a chance to get dirty yet.” Twilight opened the door wide and stepped aside to let them all in.
“Uh, thanks.” Indeed, the lobby of Twilight's crystalline tree house was quite pristine. It was also mostly empty. The glassy floor was patterned with a huge starburst symbol, fashioned after Twilight's cutie mark. Dash found the coffee table near the back wall under a recently-hung picture of herself and her friends. She envied how fleshy she looked in that photo.
With an unholy sigh, Dash scanned the sparkling white coffee table and plopped her heart into one of the teacups where it wouldn't get lost.
“Gah—don't just table your love like that.” Sea Swirl made hoof motions towards Dash and pointed at Twilight. “You'll never get anywhere if you hide your true feelings.”
“Stop that! I'm not in love—”
Discord scratched his chin. “Don't be such a tease, Dashie. Everypony can see that your heart beats for her.”
“Oh come on! Nopony should be able to see my heart at all because it should be in my chest, comfortably surrounded by my other organs and buried under my skin.”
Twilight raised a hoof. “Rainbow Dash—”
“Rainbones Dash,” Sea Swirl said.
That icy look came back on Twilight's face. “I'm not going to call her that. As I was saying, Rainbow Dash does make a very good point here. Why is she not whole and fleshy?”
Sea Swirl grinned. “Now that is an epic tale of—”
“Oh, shut up! I'm a skeleton because Discord here thought it would be funny to let loose a huge tornado—”
“Waterspout.”
“—in the middle of Ponyville and knock down everyponys' homes. Of course I wasn't going to stand for that! I was about ready to kick the thing back to last week when at the last second he filled it with piranhas! I've been trying to get him to give my flesh back ever since.”
“You have made some progress in that regard.” Discord leaned back in the air on an invisible chair. “You could have more, though, if you put your heart into it, like that teacup.”
“Oh, hardy-har-har.”
Sea Swirl levitated a newspaper. “Is this Trendor Trails? Oh! It looks like they have a crossword puzzle on page six.”
“I already told you that I don't want my internal organs back individually. For one, that's super gross, and for another, even if I did take the time to collect them all, I'm not even sure how they're supposed to fit together. I don't want to be some kind of bony vagabond drifting around with a sack of flesh begging for somepony to stitch me back together.”
“Life is a puzzle,” Discord said. “It has confounded philosophers ever since they've existed. Are you sure you want to turn down this unique opportunity to solve it?”
“Yes.”
“You're no fun.” Sea Swirl pursed her lips. “Say, what about—”
“Okay, I think I've seen enough.” Twilight, who'd remained silent until then, plopped her hoof on Sea Swirl's mouth. Sea Swirl frowned while Twilight shot her a retaliatory grin. “Discord, I need to talk to you.”
“We are talking, Twilight.”
“Privately.” Twilight glared at him.
“Ooh, some-Discord's in trooouble.” Rainbones Dash couldn't resist the urge to tease him. Twilight ignored her. Discord didn't move.
“Now.” It wasn't so much a request as it was a you're-coming-whether-you-like-it-or-not demand. Twilight's horn flashed and both she and Discord vanished.
***
They reappeared in one of the castle's upper rooms. It was lightly furnished with a single nightstand and a queen-sized bed, both of which were decorated with apple designs. The room also had a window with the curtains drawn closed, although those were pale green and didn't match very well. The rest of the room was bare and the bluish-white crystalline walls overshadowed everything else. Clearly, this room was a work in progress.
“This is Applejack's guest bedroom,” Twilight said, “but I didn't bring you here to admire the atmosphere.” Twilight walked over and wrapped the curtains with her magic. “Discord, this room has the best view of Ponyville. When I open the curtains, what will I see?”
“Uh, well...” He fidgeted and averted his eyes.
“You can me tell the truth. We're all friends here.”
“You'll see a major improvement to the town's character.” He folded his arms defiantly.
“Mmm-hmmm.” Twilight drew open the curtains, but remained fixated on him. Sunshine flooded in made the floor sparkle. “Discord, I'm happy that you've made a new friend, and that you want your relationship to be something more, but for this to work, you'll have to be the responsible one.”
“Wha?” Discord reflexively drew back. “Me? Responsible?”
Twilight calmly turned her head to look out at Ponyville. The rows of flattened houses looked like broken matchsticks and the sun glared off of the water still in the streets. For a while, Twilight said nothing. The leaves of her crystalline tree-palace tinkled like chimes in the wind. “Yes, you. I can't help but notice that the floodwaters are no more than ankle deep, despite geography. With water that high, the creek should be swollen from its banks and raging like a river, but it's not.”
“Pfft. The flood was just a trivial detail. I wasn't going to bother making it realistic.”
“I notice that there's still one house standing in the left row where the tornado went through. Do you know why?”
Discord shrugged. “Because tornadoes are random?”
“Because Aura's having her cute-ceañera today with her friends in that house. I know it's that one because Pinkie was talking about making pillow-themed decorations fashioned after the filly's new cutie mark and I can see some of them from here.”
“Hmm, so you're right. Though I'm not sure what your point is.”
“And the tornado? It's gone now but Rainbow Dash never stopped it, did she?”
“They expire on their own.”
“It was also full of piranhas, piranhas that should still be here swimming around in the floodwaters.”
“Okay, I get the hint. You've clearly shown that I have some restraint, but that's not the same thing as responsibility. And I still don't see—”
“It's more than she has,” Twilight said dryly. She closed the curtains and turned to face him again. “Discord, a few weeks ago I had to get involved in a fight that broke out in the tavern. Somepony thought it would be a good idea to add realistic visual effects to her 'Where the State-Pufferfish Marshmallow Mares Are' tale.”
Discord's eyes grew wide.
“Oh yes, Sea Swirl has magic of her own, you know.” Twilight tapped on her her horn. “And it was a disaster of epic proportions. I had to spend the whole day helping to re-attach severed limbs.”
Discord winced.
Twilight nodded. “It wasn't bad as it sounded, since I could do it while they were still jelly, but it took a long time to sort them out and they were screaming and panicking the whole time. I don't know if you noticed, but Sea Swirl's under compulsory geas not to use her magic anywhere near the bar anymore.”
“Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to get me to break up with her?”
“What? No! It's just... one of those things you'd learn if you spent more than half a day with her. You know so little about her that I'm sure even you can question the wisdom of jumping straight into marriage, of all things!”
“I don't need to know the nuances of her past to appreciate her artistic vision and her love of random mayhem. Nor do I care what she had for breakfast last week. As long as it kept her alive long enough to kiss me today, that's all that matters.” He sounded wistful and started to get lost in a dreamy look.
Twilight's face twitched. She was trying to keep herself from cringing. “Ugh, I'm sorry if I upset you, but I just want you to be careful. This whole instant marriage thing reeks of insecurity. She wants to rope you in any way she can before you have a chance to change your mind.”
“Is there anything bad about that? I am pretty desirable, after all.”
“It is if your relationship doesn't work out. Plus, she could try to trap you in other ways too. Uh...” Twilight glanced aside, embarrassed. “Like, she could get pregnant.”
Discord's eyes grew wide and his face turned beet red. “That's preposterous! We're not even the same kind of thing!”
“I wouldn't dismiss the possibility so quickly if I were you. You are part pony, after all. Still, it takes at least a month to notice a change in our estrous cycle, and even the most sensitive pregnancy tests we have can't return a definitively positive result until at least two weeks past conception. Yet I wouldn't be surprised to hear her declare herself pregnant after a single night of passion.”
“Ah.”
There was crash that sounded like it came from downstairs.
Twilight frowned. “Shoot, I left Sea Swirl alone with Rainbow Dash, didn't I?”
Discord snickered. A scream shook the building.
“And... that sounded like Spike. We should go.”
***
“Run for your lives! The undead are trying to eat our brains!” Spike ran towards Twilight and Discord as they reentered the room. His face was pale and he was sweating.
“Wait, Spike, it's not what it looks like.” Twilight tried to stop him, but he ran past her anyway. The pile of books Spike had been carrying was strewn across the floor. Rainbones Dash was chasing after Sea Swirl while making groaning noises. The unicorn was wearing Dash's lower jawbone like a hat. “Then again, maybe it is.”
“Simple, but effective. I like your style.” Discord grinned.
“Discord, baby!” Sea Swirl cast the jawbone aside and jumped into her lover's arms. The two of them nuzzled together. She cast a wary look at Twilight. “She wasn't mean to you, was she?”
“Not at all,” Twilight said while Rainbones Dash picked up her jaw and tried to put herself back together. Twilight gave Discord a sly look. “Actually, we were discussing wedding plans.”
“What!?” Everyone jumped at that announcement, except Dash, whose jawbone clattered to the floor again.
“Oh, yes. I can perform the ceremony myself, actually.”
“A royal wedding,” Sea Swirl squeaked.
“Yes, but it will take some time to plan, one month should do it. Although—” Twilight walked over to the main door and opened it wide “—it could take a lot longer if I have to spend time putting the town back together.”
Discord glanced between Sea Swirl, who looked horrified, and Twilight, who was grinning. He flattened his eyes. “Fine, fine.” With a snap of his talons, the town reverted to its normal, cheerful, towniness.
“Aaaw uaooaoll.” Rainbones Dash was trying to reconnect her jaw so she could talk again.
“Thanks, Discord,” Twilight said.
“Don't mention it,” he grumbled.
“Since you two will have some time before your big day—” Twilight closed the main door and turned to look at them “—why not take some time off? Get to know each other better.”
“Hey, that's not a bad idea.” Sea Swirl looked up at Discord with big, rosy eyes. “We could go on a cruise in the Cantorribbean.”
Twilight perked up at that. “That's a great idea! I heard that they were having a sea hockey tournament in the Brayhaman island stadium soon. I've never had a chance to go myself, but I've heard it's very popular.”
“I don't know...” Sea Swirl frowned. “It's a great sport, but that stadium doesn't have nearly enough bathrooms for the mares. We only get one stall for every three that the stallions have. The last time I was there we had to sit in each others' laps just to keep the line moving.”
Discord blinked. He held a paw up, then lowered it. “What, really?”
“No, not really.” Sea Swirl snickered. Something caught her eye and she twisted her head to look at Rainbones Dash. “Now that's what I call a wing-boner.”
Dash, who'd just finished snapping her jaw back in place, had her wing bones splayed wide open.
“Ew, Dash.” Twilight gagged. “You have some terrible fetishes.”
“What!? No I don't!” Rainbones Dash quickly folded her wings. “I just had them open to help steady myself while I put my jaw back on. Wingboners are a myth, anyway. You should know that, Twilight. It's not like I even have any lady parts to get excited with, at the moment, either.”
“You could fix that with a shrubbery,” Discord teased.
“Wrong gender!” Rainbones Dash stomped her hoof on the floor and rattled her frame again. “And this isn't funny anymore. I want my flesh back, now!”
Discord opened his mouth.
“Now,” Twilight said.
Discord glanced at Sea Swirl, who shrugged. “Fine, you can have it back.”
“In one piece, intact, like it was before,” Rainbones Dash said.
“Yes, yes.” Discord waved his arm and just like that her flesh returned. Rainbow Dash was once again, Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, sweet!” She twisted around and kissed her posterior. “Sweet, sweet, flesh. Oh, how I've missed you.”
“Ew, Dash.” Twilight stuck out her tongue. “Don't kiss your butt.”
“Oh come on, Twilight. It's like, brand new. It hasn't had time to get dirty yet.”
Discord pulled open a portal in front of him. The edges glowed with yellow light. “I think it's time for us to make our egress. We'll leave you two alone together so that you can 'get dirty' in private.”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash blushed and avoided looking in each other's eyes.
“Ta-ta. And thanks for your support. We're going to have the best wedding, ever.” Sea Swirl reared up to kiss Discord and then walked through the portal.
“Bye, have fun.” Twilight waved her off. “You too, Discord, but remember, be responsible.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “I'll remember.”
“You promise?” Rainbow Dash asked. “ 'Cause I don't want to hear about your skeletonizing any other pony. Seriously, that sucked!”
“Yes, yes. I promise. Cross my heart and hope to not forget it on Twilight's coffee table. Goodbye.” Discord bowed and walked through the portal, which closed behind him.
“What!?” Rainbow Dash reared up and patted her chest. The familiar thumping sensation that every living pony took for granted was mysteriously absent. “Augh!” Rainbow Dash slowly turned her head. Sure enough, still sitting in Twilight's teacup, was her still-beating heart.
Twilight started snickering and rolled over, laughing.
“Twilight! Why do you think this is funny. That's my heart! It's my actual, beating heart. Now that he's gone I'll be stuck like this for a month without it.”
“Sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh, but it wasn't at you, specifically; it's about how this day turned out in general.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, when I'd asked you to spend the day with Discord, I thought that you two would find a way to bond together by playing pranks on other ponies. Instead, he spent the whole day playing pranks on you, instead.”
“I still don't see how that's funny.”
Twilight shrugged. “It isn't, really, but he did find the only prankster in Ponyville bigger than you.”
“Heh, yeah, I guess...”
“Still, you could have had a lot of fun with your situation if you'd lightened up a bit.”
“How so?”
“Well, I saw how you liked spooking ponies on Nightmare Night. Spooking them as a skeleton could be just as much fun as spooking them with lightning, right?”
“Yeah, except that said ponies then tried to dismantle me with pitchforks and torches.” Rainbow Dash frowned.
“Oh.” Twilight frowned. She turned to look at the pulsing organ in her teacup. “Well, what about your situation right now?”
“What about it?”
“Well... can you imagine the look on Nurse Redhat's face if you stopped by the hospital and asked her to take your vitals?”
Rainbow Dash snickered. “Okay, so it has some potential.”
Twilight swooned. “Oh, Rarity, I can't live without you, or be still my beating heart.”
Dash roared with laughter. “...a lot of potential. Still, I'd rather not have my heart out in the open like that. I don't want something bad to happen to it.”
“Don't worry, your heart is safe with me.” A thick magenta bubble appeared around the coffee table. Twilight tapped on it for emphasis. “And I'll make sure it stays that way until Discord's return.”
***
Meanwhile, in the Cantorribbean Sea, Discord was nuzzling with Sea Swirl on a deserted palm beach while watching the sunset. The beach was deserted, of course, because an army of pygmy zebra-crabs had poured out of the ocean and chased away the locals. Ah yes, this was the life.
