Changeling Doll

by Pickleless

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Changelings, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 34748

A changeling pretends to be a magical doll.

A changeling gets a very risky and clever idea.
Pretending to be an advanced magic doll left as an anonymous gift in front of Twilight Sparkle's home.
It's so audaciously stupid there is no way it's not going to work.

Published 2014-07-23 03:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-25 08:00:10 UTC

Tricking your inquisitive owner.

Twilight Sparkle had just gotten back from her birthday party. The giant crystal tree castle was nice, but she still preferred using Applejack's barn to host the party. It's what they used the first time, and it's what she planned to use until that barn gets knocked down. Pinkie Pie, as usual, showed just as much enthusiasm making this party as she made every other one, making it the best birthday party ever. Twilight was sure the next birthday party she would have would be the best party ever too, as would the next one.

Now, Twilight was tired. She was known to pull all nighters occasionally when finding a good book or four, but any party of Pinkie's leaves you exhausted by the end. It was probably because she was so tired that she didn't see the large, pony sized box in front of her door. It was also probably why she walked face first into the box and hurt her snout.

Rubbing her muzzle, Twilight glared at the box. After the box made it clear it wasn't going to apologize anytime soon for squishing her face, Twilight's irritation quickly turned into confusion as she examined the box. Confusion quickly turned to joy, as she spotted the words 'Happy Birthday Twilight!' on the box. After giving a little giggle and clapping her hooves together, Twilight teleported herself and the box to her bedroom. After making sure Spike went to bed like he should have, she quickly went back to examining her present.

Twilight's joy once again went back to confusion. There was no name telling her who this was from, or a return address. Just hers, and a note saying 'Happy Birthday Twilight!' With a shrug, Twilight magically opened the top of her box. Lifting her forehooves up, she balanced herself against the present box and tried to peer inside of it. Not being able to quite make out what was inside, she started to lift the gift up with magic.

Twilight dropped her gift in shock when she saw it.

It was a changeling.

"Alright changeling! Come out of the box, slowly!" Twilight lit up her horn ready to attack.

No response.

"If you don't come out right now, I'm gonna blast a hole right through this box!" She threatened.

The changeling didn't respond.

"Alright, I warned you!" Twilight shot a beam through the box. The blast knocked over the box, sending the changeling tumbling out onto the floor, limp.

"Did...did I kill it?.." Twilight whimpered.

She had never taken a life before. There were situations in the past where she almost had to, but this in comparison seemed rather cold blooded. The changeling didn't even fight back! Conflicted feelings bounced around inside of her. Hopefully, the changeling was dead and couldn't possibly hurt or scare her. Hopefully, it was alive so she didn't...

Quietly, Twilight tip-hoofed over to the limp bug. It wasn't moving, it had a large burn mark on it's side and was bleeding a little. Gulping in fear and shame, Twilight nervously got closer to it. Lighting her horn and casting a couple wards and shield spells she knew, she very carefully poked it with her hoof.

The changeling's eyes opened up, and it started to rise. With a yelp, Twilight blasted it again.

Slamming into her wall, the changeling bounced off it and landed face down. It slowly rose off the ground and stared blankly ahead.

"...W-who are you?!? Why are you here!?!" Twilight demanded.

"Please refer to the instruction manual, for further input." The changeling blankly stated.

"...What?"

"Please refer to instruction manual, for further input." The changeling repeated, in the same pleasant, yet monotone voice.

"What." Twilight deadpanned.

"Please refer to the instruction manual, for further input."

Twilight stared blankly at the strange changeling. She quickly glanced at the knocked over box, then back at the changeling.

"If you light up your horn or move so much as an INCH, I will conjure up a giant fly swatter and squish you with it!" Twilight growled.

"Please refer to the instruction manual, for further input."

Twilight glared at the changeling for a few more seconds, then snorted. She turned toward the box and quickly looked inside it for an instruction manual. She quickly pulled out a slim book inside. Before reading its cover, she jumped up onto her bed and positioned herself so she could keep an eye on the changeling. After making sure it hadn't moved, she looked down at her shiny new book.

"How to use your Changeling Doll?" Twilight's eyebrow shot up in confusion.

"Please refer to the instruction manual, for further input."

"I wasn't talking to you!"

"Please refer to the instruction manual, for further input."

Twilight groaned. Looks like she couldn't read out loud for the moment.

"Please refer to the instruction manual, for further input."

Or make noises. Twilight glared at the 'Changeling Doll' for a second before opening her manual.

'Congratulations on owning your very own Changeling Doll! The Changeling Doll is the highest, most advanced piece of technology straight from the brilliant minds of Canterlot University! Never before has such a life-like magical golem been made! The Changeling can talk, debate, laugh, cry, and eat with you! It breathes, it sleeps, you would have never guessed it was a doll!'

Twilight gave a bemused snort towards that.

"Please refer to the instruction manual, for further input."

'The Changeling can do anything and be anything! Want a protective older sibling for your kid? Want a best friend to share your interests with? Want that parental figure you never had? Want a lover, to hold you close at night? Want a child, to cherish forever? Want a servant, to tend to your every whim? The Changeling doll does it all! Soon, you'll be wondering how you managed to live without one! The magical journey all starts on the next page!'

Twilight stared at her book in shock. Was this book really claiming what she thinks it's claiming? Nervously glancing at the Doll, she licked her dry lips and turned the page.

'The startup process is simple! Simply say 'Enter registration mode!' and your changeling doll will walk you through the steps! If there is any error with the startup process, please look up the error code it gives you in the table of contents!'

Twilight slowly walked up to her Changeling Doll. She was amazed. Have we really progressed this far? How has society managed to make a golem through a mixture of flesh, magic, and technology? How did she not already know about this?!? Twilight always keeps up to date on the recent findings of intellectual pursuits!

Loudly clearing her throat-

"Please refer to the instruction manual, for further input."

Twilight rolled her eyes and spoke up.

"Enter registration mode." Twilight softly, yet clearly pronounced.

"Thank you for purchasing the Changeling Doll. We hope you have an amazing, magical experience with all the adventures the Changeling Doll will give you."

Twilight really wished the salesponies weren't as audacious as they were.

"In order to make sure your Changeling Doll isn't stolen or used by unwanted ponies, please insert a DNA sample into the Changeling Doll's mouth. It is recommended that you use a strand of hair."

Still paranoid that this all might be a trick, the sadist in Twilight considered handing it a cup she had peed in. After a small amount of internal debating, she decided she didn't want to ruin one of her cups. With a sigh, she plucked a hair out of her mane and levitated it to the changeling's mouth.

"Thank you. Please tell the Changeling Doll your full name."

"Twilight Sparkle."

"'Twilight, Sparkler.' Is this correct?"

"No." Twilight said in frustration. So much for being the most advanced doll from the brilliant minds of Canterlot.

"I'm sorry. Please try entering your name again."

"Twi-light, Spar-kle." Twilight slowly said.

"'Twilight, Sparkle.' Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"Thank you, Twilight Sparkle. If you wish to register another pony as an owner, please tell me 'Enter new owner.' after we finish the registration process."

"Twilight Sparkle, please pick an objective for me. What am I intended for?"

Twilight blinked. She didn't know what to use the doll for, she didn't even know changeling dolls existed up until this point! She didn't need a sibling, she already had one! Spike was sort of like her child, although neither of them would ever say it. She already had five best friends. She definitely didn't want a servant, she's already seen what that does to most of the unicorns in Canterlot and she definitely didn't want to become like them! Parental figure? Hah! She had three of them! When she became free of her parents breathing down her neck, she had Celestia keeping a constant eye on her! Never yelling at her, just a gentle frown. That frown, that horrible frown...

Twilight Sparkle shook her head, she didn't need another panic attack right now. She laughed at the last choice. A lover? Really, like she needed a lover! Sure, she never tried dating a colt, or had talked to them, or had talked about them with her friends, or...

...

Who would make a changeling-no, a changeling DOLL their lover anyway? It's just an object that can turn into anything you wan...

...

"Y-you are intended to be...t-to be... I want you to be my lllll...llloahhHH-MY BEST FRIEND! I want you to be my best friend!"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't understand what you were saying. Could you repeat that Twilight Sparkle?"

"You are intended to be my best friend."

"Okay Twilight Sparkle, I will be your best friend."

Twilight lowered her head in shame. She couldn't believe herself! She almost used a fake changeling to live out some of her more romantic fantasies! Having a best friend is better, Twilight thought to herself. Since this was a doll, she could complain about the things she would never say to her other friends, or have someone to finally gush with her over her pursuits! She could share secrets she wouldn't even tell a diary! In fact, the more she thought about it, this was the perfect choice!

"I have various minds and personalities poured into me, but I would like to get to know you Twilight Sparkle. Please connect your forehead to my horn. If you are a unicorn, please connect your horn to mine."

Twilight now understood the Changeling's whole scheme, it made her tell it what she wanted most out of another pony and is now going to brainwash her. Twilight smirked. If that's its game, it's in for a nasty surprise! Twilight conjured an anti brainwash ward she made after the changeling invasion. It doesn't work unless it's being actively cast, but she didn't have to worry about that now. If the stupid bug tried to so much as suggest something in her head he would get completely fried. Confidently, Twilight smoothly trotted up to the Changeling and connected their horns.

...

It had been 15 minutes now, and Twilight was starting to freak out. She felt the doll inside her mind, but it never once ordered her to do anything. All it has done was meekly, yet quickly search her mind. Certain parts of her head tingled as it searched different spots. Twilight was starting to suspect this was really a doll after all.

"I'm done! Thanks for being patient Twilight, I really appreciate how you've been handling this. This whole thing has been very stressful for you, especially after having such a long day. I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll be the best friend you ever had!"

That voice. That voice was the voice of an ANGEL. It somehow had the cheery excitement of Pinkie Pie while the soothing murmur of Fluttershy's. It was homely and friendly like Applejack, yet somehow refined like Rarity's. All the while, having the confidence of Rainbow Dash, making you feel like nothing was ever going to go wrong. Twilight immediately felt safe from that voice, it was the voice of her friends. Yet it wasn't a female voice, it was male, a sexy, sexy male voice for a sexy, sexy lo-FRIEND.

Her best friend, and nothing more.

"I'm sorry Twilight, but I just need one more thing. Could you think of a cool appearance for me, please? I just need you to touch your horn to mine and think of what I should be."

Twilight smiled. She never was into dressing up dolls as a little girl, but being able to make any type of pony you want sounded fun. She touched her horn to his and focused. She always liked Luna's fur color and started there. She decided to go with a purple mane, a little darker than her own. Not short, but not long enough that he would have to comb it out of his eyes. She made the doll slightly taller than her, with a thin body frame. He had thin legs and feminine muzzle. Twilight was a little uncomfortable around stallions so she wanted to make somepony who wasn't too intimidating. Glasses sounded cute, she decided to give him bad eyesight. Speaking of eyes, she made them a cheery green to have a pleasant looking contrast. His tail would be long. Lastly, she made him a unicorn, being the most comfortable around her previous race. Twilight opened her eyes, and gasped.

Standing before her was a Pegasus significantly taller than her. He had a wide, masculine frame and thick legs. His coat was pure white. His mane was a deep red that slowly spread out to a light yellow. The Pegasus' mane was long and combed back behind his head. On his square muzzle was a small fiery red goatee. His eyes were such a bright yellow they almost looked white, Twilight felt as if his gaze was burning into her. His tail was short, spikey red than spread out to yellow like his mane.

While Twilight gaped at the fine specimen standing before her, he wrapped a comforting wing around Twilight. Twilight barely made a note in her head that having a wing around her felt way better than it should.

"Twilight, are you alright?" He asked in a tone dripping with concern and warmth.

"Y-YES! Yeah, uh, yup, I'm fine. I'm the most fine mare around! WAIT NO! I'm mean, mentally, not physically! I'm not sexy! B-but I'm not ugly either. U-uhhhhhh..."

His soft laughter made her blush. "Calm down, it's okay Twilight! I could never be upset with you." He said gently.

This doll knows what she wants more than she does, and that scares her. As the doll said something, Twilight eyes roamed all over his body, drinking it in. This isn't what she thought up for him at all!

"Stupid doll..." Twilight said.

"Alright, my name is Stupid Doll then!" Stupid Doll said cheerily.

"Wait, what?!? No!"

"What's wrong Twilight?"

"I didn't mean to name you that!"

Doll pursed his lips together in a way Twilight found unbearably cute. "I'm sorry, my name can't be changed for another 24 hours. You're going to have to wait till then."

Twilight groaned. "Stupid doll..."

"Yes?"

"No, I meant, ugh..."

Doll waited for her continue. Seeing her stop talking, he spoke up. "The registration is now complete! Let's become best friends Twilight!" He tightened his hug with his wing slightly.

"Y-yeah, friends..." Twilight tried to look anywhere except at Doll.

Twilight was too tired for this. She should have been in bed an hour ago. Her pillow beckoned for her, but she couldn't just leave her doll here...unless she could. Grabbing Doll and turning him around, she pushed him into her closet.

"I need to sleep, stay here until morning!" Twilight ordered.

"Alright-" Doll said cheerily as Twilight closed the door on him.

With a sigh, Twilight headed towards her bed and flopped on it. Whatever happens next, it can wait till morning...

Doll winced in pain, the two shots Twilight blasted him with still hurting. It wouldn't kill him, but it was going to hurt for a while. Giving a sigh of relief, he smiled.

He did it, he was in.

Embarrassing your flustered owner.

The alarm did not go off this morning, as it had a large, magical blast sized hole in it. Instead Twilight woke up naturally as she does on occasion, moaning in agony over her huge headache. Rolling out of bed and plopping face first onto the floor, Twilight slowly rose and shuffled over to a wall. She gently headbutted said wall as she stopped and stared in confusion where her old door used to be back in the library. Groaning, Twilight forced her eyes open and looked around for her door. Closing her eyes as much as she could, she headed out of her room. Right as Twilight left her room, she came back in and opened her closet. She pushed the pleasantly quiet stallion out of the way and grabbed one of the many alarm clocks hanging on the wall. Closing the closet door on him again, she set the alarm on the clock and put it next to the destroyed one on her dresser. Giving a slight nod of approval, Twilight headed out of her room.

Stumbling down the stairs, she slowly worked her way towards the dining room. Sitting at the table were Spike and Rarity, chatting happily away. Both of them said something to her, Twilight gave a mumble in response. Twilight dropped her head upon the table, waiting for the coffee fairy to bring her the sweet nectar of life she needed. As the purple scale covered fairy poured Twilight her fix, Rarity asked her something. Twilight groaned, knowing she would have to try and focus to answer whatever she asked.

"...What?" Twilight mumbled.

"I asked dear, where your old gala dress was. Since you gave me your measurements yesterday I thought I should refit your dress for you! Oh, while I'm at it, I might as well fix the other girls dresses too..." Rarity mused.

"The closet in my room." Twilight croaked.

"Thank you Darling! I'll just go get that dress while you wake up." Rarity trotted off.

The coffee fairy placed the much needed elixir down in front of her. Inhaling the lovely bitter scent of black magic, Twilight raised the cup of joe to her lips and took a large swig. She reveled in the burning sensation sliding down her throat. With a pleased sigh, Twilight sat back and let her mind slowly turn on.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Spike didn't even flinch from Twilight's scream. He didn't even stop eating his lunch. Some mornings were like this with her. Twilight somehow managed to trip and tumble UP the stairs, ignoring her aching wing and hoof, she scrambled into her room as Rarity turned the knob on her closet door. As Twilight headbutted her out of the way, Rarity froze and took in her disheveled appearance.

"Twilight, why-"

"WHY WHAT?!? WHY WERE YOU LOOKING IN MY CLOSET!?!"

"Twilight Darling I was just going to grab your dress-"

"DRESS, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, MY DRESS?!?" Twilight laughed manically. "THERE IS NO DRESS! THERE'S NEVER BEEN A DRESS! DRESSES ARE JUST A MYTH!!!"

Rarity was no longer looking at Twilight. When she headbutted her, Rarity already had her hoof around the door, pulling the door open along with her. Before her stood a tall, handsome pegasus stallion with the biggest winning smile she had ever seen.

"Hello!" Stupid Doll cheerily said, "My name is-"

"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK!" Twilight screamed, shoving a hoof in his mouth.

Rarity stared at the two of them with a blank look on her face.

"This...this is my friend! He uh...he gave me a present last night, and I thought it be rude to let him walk home so late!" Twilight lied.

Rarity's mouth slowly broke into a smile.

"So I let him sleep, in my closet! I MEAN, on my bed-NO! My room! He slept in my room with me-NOT WITH ME!"

Rarity's smile was now a huge grin.

"HA, WHAT?!? HE'S JUST A SEXY STALLION HIDING IN MY CLOSET! WE'VE ALL HAD A STALLION HIDE IN OUR CLOSET BEFORE RIGHT?!? NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT THAT-"

Before Twilight could have a complete and total meltdown, Stupid wrapped his wing around her and started petting her tail. He rested his head gently on top of hers and tightened his hug slightly. Whenever Twilight felt scared, Rainbow Dash's confidence and bold claims always helped her calm down. Similar to Dash, Fluttershy's motherly attitude did wonders for Twilight. When she was a little foal and too scared to sleep alone at night, Celestia would wrap her wing around her and make her feel safe and warm. Because of these three, Twilight has always subconsciously related pegasi to the feeling of being safe. Whenever she was nervous and alone, Twilight would pet her own tail to help herself calm down. Being wrapped in Stupid Doll's wings, having her tail petted almost completely shut off her mind. With a gentle moan, she leaned into his chest and closed her eyes, sucking in the warmth and feeling of safety.

Rarity gently cleared her throat and Twilight shoved Doll away from her. She was tense now, but no longer in danger of having a panic attack. Twilight and Rarity stared at each other. Twilight looked scared and Rarity had the biggest grin she had ever seen. Stupid Doll continued to be pleasantly quiet.

"Rarity." Twilight meekly said.

"Twilight." Rarity choked out, barely containing her excitement.

"Good afternoon."

"Good afternoon."

"How has your day been?"

"Oh you know, getting Sweetie Belle ready for school, brainstorming dress ideas for a while, the usual. How was last night?"

"Completely normal, nothing interesting happened at all. I got home, opened a surprise present, and went to bed."

"Spike said he heard some...loud noises last night."

"I may have gotten a little...excited over my present."

"W-well darling..." Rarity started to tremble. "He is quite the present."

"He's not, well, actually he is. Look, this is a big mis-"

"OH!!!" Rarity squealed. "THIS IS THE BEST~! POSSIBLE~! THING~!!!"

Before Twilight could even respond Rarity teleported out of her room, and then teleported back in, grabbed the dress, and teleported back out. Twilight's eye twitched, she didn't even know Rarity knew how to teleport. Then again, considering how many horrible threats they faced in the past, her wanting to learn how to teleport isn't all that unbelievable. Twilight groaned and collapsed against the closest thing, which happened to be Stupid Doll. Stupid resumed his hug and petting her tail. She glared at him and opened her mouth to protest, but decided it wasn't worth it. Besides, this was doing wonders for her stress.

"I hate you." Twilight bitterly stated to her doll.

The doll put on the most hurt expression she had ever seen. Tears started to leak out of his eyes as he looked crestfallen.

"I-I don't really hate you! I'm just frustrated, I'm sorry!" Twilight quickly amended.

Stupid Doll looked relieved and gave her a quick nuzzle, causing Twilight to start feeling uncomfortably warm. She gave a sigh of relief and stopped. Why did she apologize? It was a doll! Wait no, it was a changeling pretending to be a doll and Twilight just hasn't proven that yet! This thing was trying to play her for a fool! She rose up with a determined look on her face. It's time to show this doll was a fake.

Twilight stood a couple feet away from her doll, glaring at it intensely. The doll on the other hand, gave her a look full of as much warmth and love as it possibly could. Twilight found her resolve shaking as she stared into his face. Shaking her head, she spoke.

"Changeling Doll, revert to your true form." She ordered.

The Changeling Doll changed back to it's normal form. Twilight smirked. Now that it wasn't so hot-FRIENDLY LOOKING. Now that it wasn't so friendly looking, she wasn't as inclined to be nice to it. This was the same monster that invaded her kingdom! That turned all her friends and mentor against her! That kidnapped Princess Cadence! Now that she was finished mentally preparing herself, Twilight cleared her throat.

"Stupid Doll, I want you to chop off your left forehoof!" And here's where it all ends. Twilight smirked, There's no way this idiot is going to-

*THUD!*

The doll's left forehoof landed on the ground, as the had changeling changed his right hoof into a cleaver, and sliced off his own hoof. The doll didn't even wince, it continued to stare at Twilight with a calm smile. Blood started squirting out of what was left of his left limb, getting all over the floor and his cut off hoof.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Twilight screamed. "OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NOOOOO!!!"

The Changeling gave her a friendly, sympathetic look. Twilight levitated it's hoof up to where it was disconnected, jamming it against the leg like a child trying to fit a block into a toy.

"OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! OKAY, ICE, RIGHT?!? I HAVE TO FREEZE IT, I THINK!"

Twilight Sparkle, hero of Equestria, princess of magic, proceeded to freeze the whole left side of Stupid Doll's body.

"O-OKAY, GOOD! NOW I JUST, JUST...WHAT DO I DO?!? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!" Multiple hairs in Twilight's mane started to stick out.

"Twilight are you oka-AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Spike screamed, seeing a half frozen changeling and a cut off hoof squirting blood.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Twilight screamed, seeing Spike scream.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

The doll shouted in a large voice "WARNING! Your changeling doll has entered a critical state! If it does not receive medical attention it may become permanently disabled! Would you like it to run a self maintenance? Other tasks may slow down while this is going on."

"YES!" Twilight said, shaking it by the neck. "FIX THIS! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT-"

Twilight was cut off as the Changeling's horn glowed. All the ice melted off the changeling and it's hoof hovered up near it's damaged limb. Magic reattached the limb, and continued to slowly repair the leg as Stupid calmly sat there, with a smile.

"Beginning self maintenance." Stupid Doll said in a pleasant monotone.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. With her legs shaking, she layed down to catch her breath. Before she could think Spike starting screaming again.

"Twilight! There's a changeling in your room!"

"Thank you Spike, I didn't notice." Twilight snarked.

"D-don't worry Twilight, I'll go get help!" Spike squealed and turned.

Before he could make his way out the door, Twilight grabbed him in her magic and levitated him to her bed.

"Spike, calm down. This..." Twilight hesitated. "This is a doll."

"...What?"

"It's a magic golem made from real changeling parts, I think."

"What." Spike deadpanned.

"I know, it sounds crazy. Heck, it is crazy! I don't really think it's a doll at all too, but...this thing keeps giving me reasons to think it's the real deal." Twilight confessed.

"Really, like what?"

"I said, 'changeling doll, cut off your left forehoof!' and-"

Twilight was interrupted by Stupid cutting off his own left forehoof with a cleaver.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

One reattached forehoof later, Twilight and Spike were enjoying a quiet lunch while Stupid Doll made them a fresh batch of pancakes. Twilight was explaining everything to Spike. The more she explained, the more sheepish she got, the whole situation with Stupid made her feel so... well, stupid.

"This whole thing is driving me nuts Spike! What the heck do I do?!?" She banged her head against the table.

"Well, he was made by 'The brightest minds from Canterlot University.' right?"

"Yeah?"

"Then why don't you send them a letter asking about him?" Spike questioned.

Twilight stared at Spike for about 10 whole seconds, got out of her chair, and assumed the fetal position. Rocking back and forth, she proceeded to make strangling noises as Spike went to get her another cup of coffee. Sadly, Twilight's moment to pull herself together wouldn't last, as a cyan blur crashed herself through an expensive crystal window, slamming into Twilight.

"Hey Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said with a huge grin.

"Hi Rainbow Dash." Twilight responded, sounding dead on the inside.

Dash frowned at Twilight. "That's not the tone of somepony who just got laid."

Stupid Doll trotted into the dining room with a cheery smile on his face, ignoring the massive pain of walking on a hoof connected with magic. Quickly, he spotted his owner choking a cyan mare with a prismatic mane. Trotting over to them, he cleared his throat.

"Pancakes are ready! Only the best for my best friend!" He announced.

While setting down the pancakes, he pretended his left forehoof gave out and spilled some syrup on himself. Laughing, he licked some of it off his chest.

"I'm sorry Twilight," He said, giving his best puppy eyes. "I spilled some of your syrup."

Rainbow Dash's wings gave an audible *POMF* as they shot out, growing stiff. She turned Twilight around and put her wing around her. Making Twilight note that she felt oddly safe at the moment.

"Twilight!" she whispered, "Where did you find this guy? He's HOT."

"Rainbow, for the last time, I am not in a relationship with this stallion!"

The gears turned in Rainbow's head. "So he's not taken right?"

"Rainbow-"

Before Twilight could finish protesting, Rainbow turned around and leaned against the dining room wall, trying to look cool.

"Sup, I'm Rainbow Dash, you've probably heard of me." Rainbow Dash said, trying to sound bored.

"How could I not? You're Twilight's friend, the coolest pegasus in all of Equestria!"

"Y- you too- I mean, yeah," She blushed, "I AM pretty cool."

Stupid Doll took off the Apron he was wearing and wiped the syrup on him off with it. Giving deep sigh, he flipped his head up, sending his hair out of his face. He stared at Rainbow Dash, giving a cool smile. Rainbow Dash stared at him for a few more seconds, wings throbbing, and then broke another window as she flew away. Twilight stared at her broken windows, and then looked at Doll.

"Go back to the closet."

"Okay! Here are your pancakes-"

"BACK TO THE CLOSET!" Twilight shouted.

Without a word of protest, Stupid Doll quietly put the down the pancakes on the table and trotted up to Twilight's room with a content smile on his face. Twilight proceeded to slam her head against the very same table until she couldn't think anymore.

The changeling quietly sat in the closet.

"...Ow." He brought his left forehoof up to himself. "Ow, ow, ow, ow..."

Babysitting your crusading owners.

Twilight nervously looked around, suspicious of the peace and quiet. She managed to have her morning coffee and nothing had gone horribly wrong yet. It was obviously a trap to lull her into a sense of security. She gathered a scroll along with a quill and ink. Quickly looking around to make sure nothing had spontaneously caught fire, she started to write a letter to Canterlot University while munching on her oats.

Canterlot University

I am currently in quite the dilemma. It was my birthday two days ago and on the way home I received a present from an anonymous sender. Inside was a life sized golem made from flesh and magic, remarkably similar to a changeling. Upon reading the instruction manual that came with the creature, I learned that this unique being was called a Changeling Doll. According to the doll, it came 'Straight from the brilliant minds of Canterlot University!' So far it has given me little reason to suspect it is actually a changeling, but I can't help but be concerned. Do you know who made the Changeling Doll? How was it made? How may I get into contact with it's creator or somepony who can give me more information?

Please send a response back soon as possible.

Twilight Sparkle

"Spike, could you send this to..."

Twilight trailed off when she remembered Spike had spent the night at Rarity's. Yesterday she went to her friend’s house only to find she had received a huge order. She tried her best to help, but it was clear that she was getting in the way more than helping. Spike on the other hoof had helped out Rarity countless times before and didn't need instruction like Twilight did. Giving up on explaining her situation to Rarity, she spent the rest of yesterday tracking down Rainbow Dash, only to find that the pegasus had disappeared.

‘The smug jerk is probably sitting in that closet with a stupid grin spread across his sexy-STUPID face! Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid...’ She berated herself. ‘I wonder if he even slept in there. Do magical dolls made of flesh need to sleep? How do they recharge? With magic? Batteries?’ Questions rolled back and forth inside her head, until a mental bell went off.

'The instruction booklet!' Twilight cheered. It wasn't much, but maybe the manual had a return address written in it in case the doll were to break. After a quick visit to the post office, she would read through it, from cover to cover and back again. The bell in her head rang again, confusing her until she realized the noise was very much real and coming from her front doors. Wondering who had come to visit, Twilight opened the crystal gate to see the beaming muzzles of the town’s favorite troublemakers.

"Hi Twilight!!!" The Cutie Mark Crusaders yelled in unison.

"H-hey girls," replied Twilight, shaking her head to get rid of the incessant ringing. "What brings you three here?"

"Don'cha remember?" Applebloom asked, looking in disbelief at the princess.

"It's Twilight Time!" Scootaloo cheered.

Twilight's left eye twitched. "Oh... so it is! Come on in girls!"

"Ere's ur ewspaper Wiright" Sweetie Belle said, her voice muffled by the newspaper in her mouth.

"Uh... thanks Sweetie Belle." Twilight took the paper, trying to ignore the feeling of saliva on her hooves.

Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle trotted inside. The three headed towards the practice room Twilight had set up for them. It was always nice to see the trio’s love for learning be performed in a safe, very controlled and very, VERY durable environment. Preferably also a fireproof one. She still had nightmares over ‘CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS FIREWORK MAKERS YAY!’ Still, those three were a trouble magnet, and there was a magnificent example of trouble lurking silently in the depths of her closet upstairs. She bit down on her hooves, her brain already overheating trying to think up as many back up plans as possible.

Slowly walking towards the practice room, Twilight skimmed the news. 'Prince Blueblood got a sex change... Rainbow Dash is filing harassment charges against all the ponies who won't stop accusing her of being gay... Twilight Sparkle is keeping a stallion in her closet, literally... Shocking news, Braeburn confirmed to be asexual-'

Twilight's eyes practically popped out of her head as she went back to reread that last part.

"Braeburn is asexual?!? No WONDER we could never get a reaction out of him! We were so determined to hook up Fluttershy too- WAIT!!!"

TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS KEEPING A STALLION IN HER CLOSET, LITERALLY!

When a young mare went to visit our seemingly innocent princess, she found that Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship herself, had been keeping a hot, young, virile stallion in her closet. 'You didn't hear this from me darling, but it was about time that mare let loose.' Our anonymous equine reports. 'All work and no play makes Twilight a dull mare! A little romance in her life is just what she needs right now!' We've yet to get a picture or the name of this lucky stallion, but rest assured, we are on the case!

Twilight's eye twitched, "Rarity..."

"Hey Twilight, what's taking you so... Twilight?" Scootaloo got a very bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Rarity!..." Twilight growled.

"R-Rarity? What did Sweetie Belle's older sister do?" stammered out the filly, instantly regretting the question.

"RARITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"

"GIRLS! WE HAVE A PROBLEM!" screamed the young pegasus, running back into the practice room.

Still huffing with rage, Twilight whipped her head to glare with accusation at the ceiling. “This is all your fault!” she huffed, scowling. Her birthday was supposed to be a happy day, but now she looked back at it with regret.

Then she got an idea! An awful idea! Twilight got a wonderful, awful idea!

'I know just what to do!' she laughed in her throat. She conjured a quick Santy Claws hat and a-

Twilight stopped and blinked. "What am I doing?!?" She poofed her hat away and headed into the practice room.

"Applebloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle!" she called, "I need to go grab somepony upstairs real quick. Don't touch anything yet, okay?"

"S-somepony upstairs?" Applebloom asked nervously.

"I'll be just a second~!" the mare replied mirthfully.

Heading upstairs and into her bedroom, Twilight opened up her closet. Stupid Doll gave her a gentle smile and reached to nuzzle her. She backed up and pushed his muzzle away.

"Hello Twilight!" Stupid Doll greeted, "You're looking very cute today!"

"Oh Stupid Doll," Twilight said sweetly, "I have something I need you to do!"

"Really? What is it?" The golem blinked, tilting his head.

"You see, I need to go... mail a letter, but I have three little foals in my care right now," Twilight told him in faux concern. "I want you to babysit these three fillies and make sure nothing happens to them."

"I see that you have a new task for me," Stupid stated in a pleasant monotone. "Would you like me to add it to my directives?"

"Oh, um, alright." Twilight hesitated.

"Please tell me the names of the foals, and the relationship I will have with them."

"Type of relationship? What kind of relationships are available?"

"The presets known are a parental guardian, an escort, an older sibling, or a slightly older friend who keeps them out of trouble."

Twilight stopped to think for a second, "Well I can't have you be their dad or older brother, and suddenly announcing an adult they don't know is going to watch over them might make them nervous. Be an older friend of theirs."

"Okay Twilight, I will be their older friend. Who am I watching?"

"Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom," Twilight recited slowly.

"Did you say 'Sweetie Belle', 'Scootaloo', and 'Applebloom'?" Doll continued, sounding like an answering machine.

"Yes."

"Gathering data... okay, done!"

Twilight watched as Doll turned into a young looking unicorn colt. His appearance was similar to when he was an adult, but shorter and more frisky. He lost his masculine frame and goatee, the lack of facial hair and the new slender build making him look almost childish.

"Alright! I can't wait to play with my new friends!" Doll announced in an excited manner.

"Stupid Doll, I want you listen very carefully," Twilight cooed, her voice dripping with honey. "If a single, SINGLE hair drops off the heads of those fillies, I am going to cut you open and experiment on you. Are we completely clear?"

"Loud and clear Miss Twilight!" He saluted.

"Good!" She beamed.

Twilight turned and led Stupid Doll out. If he was nervous at all, he didn't show it. Twilight cackled. He had no idea what he had gotten himself into, the cutie mark crusaders always caused destruction when nopony was looking. 'This is perfect!' she muttered under her breath, beaming, 'The three of them will have him begging for mercy in no time!'

As she approached the practice room, she looked back at Doll. On second thought, maybe just the destructive trio wouldn’t be enough. this changeling was clever. Maybe she needed to make this a little harder.

"Stupid, I have two more commands for you."

"Yes, Twilight?" Stupid smiled lovingly at her.

Twilight thought deeply. "Whatever those three ask of you, you have to do no matter what. You can only break that rule if they're going to get hurt," she ordered.

"Alright! I'll do whatever Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle order me to!"

"Secondly...I want you to be completely honest with them."

She smirked. Changelings were nothing but liars - being completely honest would probably make him squirm.

"I will be completely honest with Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle!"

"Good!" chirped Twilight, opening the door to the study room.

The three mischievous fillies perked up as they saw a colt walk in, a very cute one at that. Suddenly, reading Twilight’s book didn’t seem as important as learning something about the handsome, young newcomer. All three of their hearts stopped as he flashed them a perfect smile.

"Girls, this is..." Twilight stopped, unsure of what to say. "This is a young colt who works for me! I have to go kill Rarity - uhhh deliver a letter!!! I have to go deliver a letter to the post office! Until then, this young stallion here is going to be watching over you. Is that okay with you three?"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders shook their heads yes in unison. Sweetie Belle was the first to stop and frown.

Prying her eyes off of Stupid Doll, Sweetie spoke up. "Wait-"

"Perfect! I'll be back in a bit!" Twilight said hurriedly, slamming the door behind her. She pressed her ear up against the practice room and waited.

Only two things could come from this, she figured. The Cutie Mark Crusaders would freak out because of the changeling and she could come in and use him as an example of why changelings are bad. If by some chance they didn't freak out, they would probably use him in some crazy scheme to get a cutie mark. She could only imagine what painful situation they would-

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS RUSSIAN ROULETTE PLAYERS YAY!!!"

"NO!!!" Twilight screamed, bursting open the door.

Sitting around a board game titled 'Russian Roulette' were the four innocent looking children. Three of them were looking at her in confusion. The last one was wearing a big smile that, she could swear, almost looked smug.

"Is everything okay Twilight?" Applebloom asked, all three fillies looking very concerned.

"Okay? Yes! Of course I'm okay! I am completely totally okay!" she said a little too loudly. "I was just grabbing- I was just getting- um- I was just making sure- I was just... Okay bye!" Twilight slammed the door shut, again.

'It was fine, of course it was fine!' she thought. 'I'm sure absolutely nothing terrible will come from leaving a changeling completely under the control of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!'

A stray hair sprang up from her mane.

The four in the practice room sat there and listened for Twilight to head through the front doors. After making sure she actually left, three of them breathed a sigh a relief. The Cutie Mark Crusaders didn't know what was wrong with Twilight, but they remember what happened last time something went wrong. Sweetie has never played with her dolls since. The three turned to look at the colt who was easy on the eyes. Even Scootaloo, who didn't want anything to do with boys, suddenly found herself thinking that maybe boys weren't so dumb after all, and Snip and Snails just set a bad example. Applebloom, feeling bold, took the lead.

"So! We told you our names, but I didn't catch yours! What's yer name pardner?"

"My name's a secret!" Stupid flashed her an equally enthusiastic grin.

"A secret, why?"

"Well, It's a super big deal that no ones knows!" He looked around suspiciously. "All the adults wouldn't understand, but YOU girls seem credulous enough to tell! Think you three can keep a secret?"

The girls didn't know what credulous means, but the three of them knew Applejack would say somepony had the 'credentials' when they were suitable for working on the farm part time, so she knew that it must have meant something good. All three of them shook their head up and down eagerly.

"Can you three PINKIE PROMISE me you won't tell anypony?!?" He said sharply, staring at them seriously.

They shook their heads even harder.

"Alright then, my name is P-"

Twilight made it about two blocks down the street before screaming and running back into the crystal tree palace. Slamming open the door to the practice room, Twilight stared in horror as Applebloom tried to shoot an arrow while blindfolded at the apple on Scootaloo's head. Using her magic to stop the arrow, Twilight tackled Stupid Doll onto the floor.

"Hi Twilight-"

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THEM SAFE!!!" She screamed.

"I am!" Doll cheered, "I'm making sure nothing bad happens to my new friends!"

"Yes, how sweet of you." She grunted through clenched teeth. "Tell me, what would you have done if the arrow had hit SCOOTALOO?!?"

"Have the magic barrier I cast bounce the arrow off, doing her no harm."

Twilight's brain stopped for a second. After a couple eye twitches, she checked Scootaloo to see if their was a enchantment on her. And just as he said, there was a magic barrier on her. Twilight slowly pushed her nose up against Stupid Doll's.

"...I've got my eye on you," she whispered. "Even when I'm not here, I've got my eye on you!"

Twilight slowly floated backwards while glaring at Stupid, and slammed the door for a third time.

"Alright! Okay!" Twilight manically said. "I just have to sit here and make sure they don't do anything too crazy! I-I'll just poke my head in occasionally! It'll be fine." She reasoned with herself. "Until then I'll...Uh, I'll just read the manual!"

Twilight took a couple deep breaths, and calm downed. After going upstairs to grab the manual, she listened closely to the practice room. Not hearing any screams of pain, she cracked open the manual. Rereading the beginning, nothing stood out except for the blurb about Canterlot University. Turning to the next page, The instruction booklet immediately went into the error codes.

Error Code 1: Your changeling doll has forgot how to use the restroom and soiled itself. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 2: Your changeling doll has eaten plastic, please force feed it a laxative. Once it has cleaned out it's system, please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 3: Your changeling doll is starting to have an existential crisis. Proceed to slap your changeling doll over and over until it calms down. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 4: Your changeling doll has rubbed magnets all over itself. To restore it's back up data, boop it on the nose. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 5: Your changeling doll is trying to kill it's reflection. Calmly explain to it that it's stupid. Turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 6: You have inserted an electrical wire in a place where 120 volts should never go. It does not recharge, it needs to sleep, and eat. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 7: Your changeling doll has become obsessed with cute plastic toy equines. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 8: Your changeling doll is humping the furniture. Swat it with the newspaper. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 9: Your changeling has heard the song 'Feed my Frankenstein' and has realized what it truly means to be a changeling. Neuter your changeling doll, turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 10: Your changeling doll has started rubbing his butt up against the walls while blasting classical swing. Take away the music player from your changeling doll. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 11: Your changeling did something stupid with music again, stop giving it music to listen to.

Twilight started to get a migraine.

"Hey Po-er Stupid!" Scootaloo corrected herself. "What the heck is up with Twilight?"

"She's afraid of me," he said calmly..

Sweetie Belle scowled. "Afraid of you. Why would she be afraid of you?"

"Because she's perceptive."

"What does that mean?"

"She's astute."

"Great, you're an egghead!" Scootaloo scowled.

"Well, as I was sayin," Applebloom smiled. "We all grew up here in Ponyville! We are you from?"

"The badlands." He returned her smile.

"The badlands?!?" Applebloom yelled. "What was your family doing there?"

"Surviving."

"Well YEAH!" Scootaloo snarked. "What she means is, why was your family there in the first place?"

"Because we were born there."

"Why?" Sweetie Belle spoke up this time.

"Because my family comes from a long line of social outcasts in relation to Equestria."

Before Applebloom could say anything, Sweetie Belle gasped. "He doesn't have a cutie mark!”

"WHAT?!?" Applebloom and Scootaloo screamed. "It's true, he doesn't!"

"Wow, you're even older than me and you're good at magic!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed, "How come you don't have a cutie mark?!"

"Because I don't have a soul," Doll gently stated.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders stared at the innocent looking colt in confusion.

"You don't have ah soul? What you ya mean you don't have ah soul?" Applebloom asked.

"I don't naturally produce the thing that ties my body and spirit together."

"How are you alive then?"

"I eat other ponies' souls."

As a look of horror slowly descended upon the fillies faces, all three of them started to back up towards the door.

"I- I think I know why Twilight was so aztoot of him now," Scootaloo whimpered.

"Relax, I'm your babysitter." Stupid gave them his winning smile. "You guys aren't in any danger; it's part of my job to keep you safe."

"O-oh, okay!" Sweetie Belle piped up, "T-Twilight wouldn't leave us with a dangerous soul sucking monster would she?"

"Yes, yes she would!" he said with cheer.

The silence was so thick you could smother a small child with it.

"O-oh come on! Stop kidding around, why would Twilight do that?" Scootaloo argued, trying to regain her nerve.

"Because she considers you three more dangerous than a soul sucking monster!" Doll announced gleefully.

Doll sat there, remaining pleasantly quiet. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, on the other hoof, were on the verge of a mental breakdown.

"Girls, girls, please, calm down," he said, sounding sincere, "I promise you that being near will not permanently ruin your health in any way. Even if I did nibble on your souls, you girls would grow it back in no time."

"Grow back?.. How do you eat souls? What are you?" Applebloom finally spoke up, morbid curiosity overwriting her fear.

"Well, you know how vamponies suck the souls out of people by drinking their blood?"

"Ah thought that vamponies suck the juice out of apples," Applebloom said frowning.

"Those are fruit vamponies."

Stupid Doll proceeded to pull a pair of thin glasses out of... somewhere. Putting them on, he somehow only looked cuter than before. Summoning a chalkboard with magic, he drew a picture of a silly looking vampire on the left. Under it, he wrote the word 'VAMPIRE - BLOOD.' On the right, he drew a stick figure of himself smiling. Below that, he wrote 'FAE SPRITE - EMOTIONS.'

"You see," he continued, "vamponies drink the blood of ponies not to get their blood per see, but to get the soul that's in their blood, vamponies have no souls. Likewise," he tapped at the drawing of himself with the chalk. "I am a Fae Sprite! I eat the emotions of ponies, and get the soul that's in their emotions! Any feelings you guys have for me, I eat them, and your soul."

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof.

"Yes Sweetie Belle?" Doll pointed at her.

"So if you eat our souls, do we lose our souls forever?" Sweetie Belle asked nervously.

"Nope! You constantly grow back your soul, and discard it when it gets old, like blood and emotions. As long as I don't feed on you too much, you'll be fine. Like when a pony goes and donates blood, the doctor knows just how much to take!"

"Coooooool!" all three of them said in awe.

"Hey, hey!" Scootaloo raised her hoof, "How can you tell if somepony doesn't have a soul?"

"Well," Stupid Doll rubbed his chin, "They won't ever get a cutie mark no matter how hard they try."

All three of them started to look nervous.

"B-but that's not the only way right?" Scootaloo tried to come off nonchalant.

"Of course! A good sign that they don't have a soul is if they never met their own parents. If you don't know your parents or haven't seen them, you might be a magic doll made to think you're a pony!"

"Oh, alright!" Sweetie Belle breathed a sigh of relief, "We don't know anypony like that, right girls?"

Sweetie Belle turned to see that Applebloom and Scootaloo had a look of complete fear on their faces. While nopony was looking, Stupid bit his lip, holding back his laughter.

Twilight was now close to the end of the instruction manual. She had committed. Perhaps all the adventures she had gone on had conditioned her. Maybe she was a mental masochist now. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere deep down, she found all this funny. She was now determined that she was going to finish this manual without slamming her head into the wall again. With blood trailing down her face, she calmly turned the page.

Error Code 420: Your changeling doll has taken a recreational drug. Please ignore it's rambling about how 'I totally understand dinosaurs now.' and how 'Everything is like, growing at the same time so it looks like we're the same but were all getting so powerful, the world is like, so powerful mare.' Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 421: In an attempt to relate to you, your changeling doll has covered itself with food to look appealing. Calmly put away your food. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 422: Why did you give your changeling doll high grade explosives in the first place?!? What were you thinking!?! Take them away from it. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 423: No, your genitals do not go there. Turn it off, and hope it turns back on again.

Error Code 424: At this point, you might want to consider using the changeling doll as a sacrifice to sate the elder god it summoned. If you choose to use a small child instead, please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 425: Never let it near a mirror pool again. Kill off all the ones you don't like. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 426: To be fair, you were the one who ordered it to do that. Bury the body and pretend like nothing happened. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 427: You have stored questionable objects inside the body of your changeling doll, take it to a hospital. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 428: I know we said the changeling doll could do anything, but that would kill Celestia. Take it to a hospital, again. Please turn it off, and turn it back on again.

Error Code 404: Changeling doll not found. Please turn it off, and back on again.

Error Code 430: You have probably traumatized those little colts and fillies and you should feel bad. Nothing to fix here except yourself, monster. Turn yourself off and back on again.

Turning the page, Twilight found that the instruction booklet ended there. There was nothing, not a single thing, after this. No index, no pages for notes, nothing. Her look of disbelief slowly twisted into a manic grin. She just committed 430 error codes of absolute nonsense to memory. She would never be able to forget them even if she wanted to. Tears leaking out of her eyes, she broke out into a panicked laughter. The crystal tree castle echoed with the most pitiful laugh. Twilight Sparkle's mind finally waved the white flag.

Her laughter wasn't the only thing that echoed throughout the castle, as she heard singing from the practice room. Curious, she trotted up to the room and opened the door. She gasped in fear, seeing Sweetie Belle laying on the ground with a knife wound on her chest. Standing over her was Stupid Doll holding a dagger. Twilight screamed and shot a powerful blast of magic at Stupid. She rammed into him and started decking Doll with her forehooves. Screaming nothing but primal rage, Twilight didn't let up until he was unconscious. She then dashed over to Sweetie Belle, gasping for air, and picked her up holding her close to her chest.

"S-Sweetie!.. Oh Sweetie..." Twilight cried. "I'm so sorry! Please! Please don't die!!!"

"Uh, Twi-"

"No, no no no no no! NO!!! You can't be dead! You just can't! Please!!!"

"Twilight-"

"W-what am I going to tell Rarity?!? Oh no, Rarity! She's going to be heartbroken! This is all my fault!"

"Twilight!!!"

"I-IT'S OKAY! THIS IS WHAT DARK MAGIC IS FOR!!! YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE BUT NOPONY WILL SUSPECT ANYTHING-"

"TWILIGHT!!!" Sweetie Belle screamed.

Twilight looked down and saw Sweetie Belle frowning at her. looking closer at her knife wound, she saw it was actually just ketchup. In the corner, Applebloom and Scootaloo were cuddling in a corner. She winced as they stared at her in fear.

"Twilight, we were just reenacting Rodeo and Jewel Duet! Stupid Doll didn't actually stab me."

"...Oh."

"Is he okay?" Scootaloo squeaked, "I don't think he's breathing!"

"What?!? Oh no! Oh no!!!" Twilight started to panic again, she ran up to him and started to slap him. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP! ACTIVATE SELF MAINTENANCE! HURRY!"

Stupid Doll's limp body emptied its bowels.

"Is..." Applebloom started to cry, "Is he dea-"

"I CAN FIX THIS!!!"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat there in horror as Twilight teleported away.

One quick trip the hospital later, and Stupid Doll was currently laying on a bed in one of Twilight's guest rooms. Quietly, the door slowly opened, and Twilight poked her head in.

"Hey, you awake?" She smiled sheepishly, "I brought you some soup."

"Thanks!" He said in a happy, but strained tone.

Twilight placed the soup down next to his dresser.

"So, the nurse said that you were really malnourished... The Cutie Mark Crusaders might have given me an earful too." She nervously kicked the ground with her forehooves, "I uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way I've been treated you this whole time."

"It's okay Twilight," Doll said in the most soothing tone he could make. "I could never be mad at you."

"Um, thanks." Twilight lowered her head, "It's been a long day, so I'm going to go to bed now."

"Good night, Twilight."

"Good night, Doll," Twilight said sadly. With a frown, she slowly closed the door behind her.

Quietly, the door to Twilight's room cracked open. Moving quickly but softly, the changeling made his way to Twilight's bed. She was tossing and turning, mumbling in fear. Gently, he stroked her tail until she calm downed. Tucking her in, he planted a small kiss on her forehead. With a smile, he slowly closed the door behind him.

Helping your infatuated owner.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, former student of Princess Celestia, Savior of Princess Luna and Princess Cadence, was probably one of the most dangerous forces of nature on this planet. She had a large amount of natural innate magic, and was very dedicated. It was the unique upbringing as Celestia's student, and the support from many talented ponies that helped her flourish into the incredible individual that Equestria knew today. She had taken down the dark incarnation of a goddess, the embodiment of chaos, the queen of lies, the hateful spirit of a powerful warlock and a horrible creature that could steal the destiny of others.

Yet, Princess Twilight Sparkle had absolutely no idea how to deal with a half crippled changeling sleeping peacefully in her guest bed.

She admitted to herself that trying to trick this changeling into revealing itself was simply not going to happen. It was willing to dismember itself. Heck, it was even ready to get beaten to death. She had to make a choice. Should she kick it out now, or turn it over to the cops? Or would she try to co-exist with it until she learned more?

She sighed, got out of bed and opened her closet. After replacing her broken alarm clock, she limped down the stairs. The smell of soup wafted through the air.

"Good morning Twilight!" Spike greeted her from the table.

“Spike?" Twilight stared at her dragon sibling in confusion. "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you're here, who's making breakfa-"

"Breakfast is ready~!" Stupid cheered from behind her.

She screamed, smacking Stupid Doll with her hoof in surprise. The bowl of hot carrot soup he was holding was knocked out of his hooves and landed on his crotch, spilling hot soup everywhere.

"AHHHHHH! I'M SORRY! HOLD ON, HOLD ON!" yelped Twilight.

Using magic, she turned the knob on the kitchen sink and guided a stream of steaming, hot water right onto Doll's privates.

"TWILIGHT, THAT'S HOT WATER!!!" Spike yelled.

Stupid lay still on the ground, taking the hot bathing of his privates with a small smile.

A pony, a dragon, and a changeling sat at a table eating carrot soup. Oddly enough, it was the one with first degree burns that seemed the happiest.

"Twilight, are you alright?" Stupid frowned. "You haven't even touched your soup!"

"Y-yeah, just fine." She shook her head to regain her focus.

"Hey, Twilight!" whispered Spike, "you okay?"

"No, I'm not!" she whispered back. "I need a break from all this! I want to be able to relax in my own home, but I don't want to just kick him out or shove him in a closet!"

Spike thought for a second. "Why don't you just send him to town to run some errands?"

Twilight blinked. Groaning in frustration, she slammed her head down into the table. Sadly, a piping hot bowl of soup was in the way.

"AHHHHHHGGGHHHHH!"

Rainbow Dash was swinging across a vine with her heroine, Daring Do. The Gryphons stole the Dodo Idol of Gullibility and if it wasn't returned to the Temple of Bad Decisions by sundown, the whole continent of Orange Chickens would sink into the ocean. Despite having wings, the Orange Chicken ponies could not fly to safety. When the sun set, all of them would end up in a watery grave.

Busting into the hideout, the two pegasi finally saw the mastermind behind this heinous act. Rainbow could not believe what, or rather, who she saw.

"Howdy!" greeted them Applejack.

"Applejack?” yelled a shocked Rainbow. “Why?!?”

"Well sugarcube, after all our competitions against each other, I realized I could never be as cool as you without wings." Applejack sighed. "Even if everypony had wings, they could never be as amazing as you. This here statue, though, will grant me wings as long as I give it a sacrifice!"

"A sacrifice?" Rainbow Dash looked behind Applejack and gasped.

Tied to a totem pole was her stallion.

"Rainbow Dash!" he cried out, "I'm like, totally in trouble. Only you can save me, because you're awesome!"

"Let him go, Applejack!" growled Dash.

"No can do pardner! I have an illness, can't yeh see? I was born without wings, and there's only one cure for that! I ain't letting yeh take that away from me!"

"Relax," interjected Daring Do. She smoothly trotted forward. "I'm a painkiller... and you're a pain in the ass!"

Rainbow Dash watched (with popcorn) as the two mares flew around hoofing each other into walls, shooting power beams, and smashing their hind legs into each other just like in her favorite comic, Pony Ball Z. Applejack shot a giant apple shaped sphere of energy into Daring,sending her spiraling downwards, crashing next to Rainbow.

"Ra-rainbow, I'm done for..."

"Daring, no!" A single tear coolly dashed down Dash's face.

"Rainbow, take this..." She held out her hat. "I put all of my awesome in it."

"Daring, I can't!" Rainbow Dash wailed. "I know I said nopony will ever be as awesome as me, but I didn't mean you! You just can't stop being awesome and die, you can't!"

"Rainbow Dash... when you wear this hat, you're wearing my awesome. My awesome will live on inside you, except for when you take it off." Daring sneezed blood into Rainbow Dash's face, and died.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Well, pardner, looks like it's just you... and me." Applejack readjusted her hat.

"Woah, wait, I think I'm fine actually- HURK!" said the voice that wasn’t important anymore.

Rainbow Dash coolly perched herself on top of Daring Do's body, hunched over, facing away from Applejack.

"Nothing tah say sugarcube?" taunted Applejack.

"I- I can't breathe..." no one important complained.

"Well then, if you can take this bull by the horns, you better be ready for a ride!" the apple obsessed mare hollered, charging at Dash.

Suddenly, Rainbow flipped around and released a flurry of prismatic glowing hooves at Applejack. Applejack started sweating apple juice as she tried to match Rainbow's hooves with her own.

"ORAORAORAORAORAORAOROAORAORAORAAAA!!!"

"MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAAAA!!!"

Applejack flew back and smashed into the totem pole RD’s stallion was tied to, breaking it and freeing him. She struggled to rise and saw Rainbow standing over her.

"H... How... How did you become so awesome?" she croaked.

Dash turned her back to her former friend. "It's not because I'm so awesome AJ... It's because you became lame!"

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" howled Applejack, dramatically melting into applesauce.

"Actually, it IS because I'm awesome!" she changed her mind. "I'm so awesome, that- Applejack? Where did you go?"

"Wow, Rainbow Dash. You saved the day!" remarked her also pretty cool stallion.

"Yeah, I know, I'm awesome. You could say it happens on a DAILY basis!"

They broke out into forced laughter.

"Oh Rainbow..." the stallion purred, pushing his muzzle into Rainbow's, kissing her. Moaning, she pushed back, reveling in its... scaly hard texture?

Rainbow Dash woke up to find herself making out with a small turtle. Shocked, she recoiled back and fell out of bed. Landing head first, she moaned in pain, trying to get up only to hit her head again on a shelf. Deciding that for once in her life she really didn't feel like moving at all, she chose to lay in a ball and nurse her aching head.

Tank had a much better wake up call. His owner was feeling affectionate and planted kisses all over his face, something she had never really done before. That was cut short as she accidentally fell out of bed and hurt herself. Concerned, her loyal little friend rushed down to her side and nuzzled her leg. He was getting faster, it only took him two minutes this time.

"Hey, little guy. Thanks for checking up on me. I'm doing just fine..." Rainbow Dash sighed.

This was the second night in a row that she had a dream about him. She hated and loved this stallion. He made her act like some stupid filly with a school crush, he made her look like an idiot. He made her heart race. He called her the coolest pegasus in all of Equestria. Not only that, but he didn’t have that creepy obsessed tone all her fans did when he said it.

She didn't even know his name.

"Uuuuuuugh..." Rainbow Dash groaned.

She slapped her face with her hooves, beating her wings to take off... right into the shelf. Before she could even grab her poor aching head, her trophies fell off the shelf one by one and landed exactly on the same sore spot.

Rainbow ‘Danger’ Dash decided that crawling to the shower today wasn't a bad idea.

After a quick shower and breakfast, Rainbow set out to buy this week's groceries. Protein powder, protein powder, pre-workout stimulants, protein powder, and some fruits and vegetables. Also protein powder. Flying down towards the shopping district, she saw something that made her heart stop.

It was him.

She also stopped looking where she was going and crashed right into Applejack's stand.

"Consarnit Rainbow! Watch where yer going!" Applejack yelled.

"Eheheh... sorry Applejack." She rubbed the back of her head out of habit. She winced, the vivid pain returning with a vengeance. "Hey, do you think I could get a dozen apples?"

"Sure thing Rainbow! Lemme just get you ah bag," she snarked. Dash looked down and saw all the bags of apples were knocked over.

"Oh yeah." She rubbed her head and winced, again. "Sorry A.J., let me help you with that."

Slowly and careful not to put her throbbing head in a spin, Dash hunched over the scattered apples. Sighing, she realized today was going to be one of those days. It was unthinkable a pony as cool as herself would have have a day under the weather, but it would be unfair to the rest if her life was only awesome sprinkled with amazing.

Deep in her musings about cosmic awesome karma, her hoof bumped into another pony's hoof as she reached for a bruised apple. She looked up and squeaked.

"Hey there Rainbow! That was a nasty tumble. You alright?" asked the coolest of cool stallions that ever chilled on the face of Equestria.

"O-OH! HEY! Sup dude!" She nervously rose a little too quickly to be natural, trying to compensate by coolly lean against Applejack's stand. Unfortunately for her, Applejack hadn't put the nails back in it yet and the whole thing collapsed, taking her down with it.

"RAINBOW DASH! THE HAY ARE YOU DOIN?!?" Applejack screamed.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I think I startled her!" apologised the handsome pegasus. "Here, let me help."

"T-thanks..." Rainbow stammered.

The newcomer helped Dash get back on her hooves and begun collecting apples as well.The three worked quietly Rainbow moved slowly as she kept sneaking glances at the stallion. Fortunately, the stand and all the apples were back in place before any other client managed to show up.

"Mighty nice of you to lend a hoof there, pardner! I don’t recognise ya from around here. What's a stud like you visiting Ponyville for?"

Suddenly, Applejack was the worst mare in the world and Rainbow needed to make her disappear right now.

"Oh, I'm not visiting, I live here! Twilight was nice enough to let me stay in her castle."

"THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS!" screamed Rainbow, inches away from Applejack's face.

"...Okay then." Applejack backed away from the slightly twitchy pegasus. "Well it's nice tah meet a friend of a friend! The name's Applejack, haystack. What do they call you?"

"Stupid!" He happily exclaimed.

Applejack laughed. "Not the brightest pony back in your hometown, eh? Well don't worry pardner! Yer heart's in the right place and that's all that matters here!"

"LOOK OUT!" a small filly screamed.

Applejack watched as an orange chicken on a scooter destroyed her stand, again. Scootaloo's head poked out of the broken wood, her eyes spinning. Shaking her head, she looked around and stared at the Stallion.

"...Stupid, is that you?"

"Hi Scootaloo!"

"Wow! You're so big and cool-"

Scootaloo felt the wind getting knocked out of her as Rainbow grabbed her with a tackle and flew a few yards away. Getting her bearings, she was pleasantly surprised to find herself in the arms of her idol.

"Hi Rainbow-"

"TELL ME EVERYTHING."

"E-everything?.." Scootaloo looked nervous.

"EVE-RY-THING!" Dash pushed her snout up against the filly’s.

Scoots tried to look away but Rainbow forced her head back in her direction and glared harder. Scootaloo shut her eyes and gritted her teeth.

Dash was about to apologize when she saw the orange filly start to cry, but was cut off before she could open her mouth.

"Every time you go to the barber to get your hair cut I collect it so I can make a wig out of it!" she screamed. "I already have five wigs made! I invented a whole new color of paint called 'Rainbow Dash Blue' and made a profit off of it! It's selling well enough that I can live on my own instead of the orphanage! I have pictures of you everywhere! I have a map of Ponyville made of pictures of you stitched together! I've collected enough of your shed fur and feathers to make three life sized dolls of you! I have two more suits of you made!"

"Uh, Scoots-"

"I HAVE PICTURES OF YOU SLEEPING!" Scootaloo wailed, "SOMETIMES I CRAWL INTO YOUR BED AND TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU SLEEPING WITH ME SO I CAN PRETEND YOU'RE ACTUALLY MY REAL BIG SISTER WHEN I SLEEP ALONE AT NIGHT! I'VE MADE FIVE DIFFERENT SPOTS IN PONYVILLE WHERE I CAN HIDE WITH A TELESCOPE AND SPY INSIDE YOUR WINDOWS AND WATCH YOU EAT, BATHE, AND SLEEHEEEHEEEHEEEHEEEEEEEEP!!!"

Rainbow Dash stared down in shock at the little filly crying into her shoulder. Looking around at all the ponies staring at her, she slowly started to stroke her cute little stalker's hair.

"Hey, it's not that bad," she lamely said.

"R-really?" Scootaloo sniffed.

"...No. You need help. But that's not important right now! Scootaloo, I need you to tell me everything you know about that pegasus stallion you're friends with!"

"...So you're not mad?" She looked up with hope and tears in her eyes.

"Yes, I'm not mad. Now tell me about him!"

"Reeeeeaaaally?"

"Scoots," Rainbow said through gritted teeth, "I am on a mission and if you don't help me-"

"A mission?!? Wow, just like Pok-uh Stupid!"

"Just like who?"

"My friend! Stupid Doll, the stallion you're asking about!"

Rainbow stopped and glared at her. "...His name is Stupid Doll?"

"Well, that' just his undercover name! His real name is a lot cooler!" Scootaloo boasted.

"What's his real name?"

"Can't say!" She said cheerfully.

Dash’s eye started to twitch. "...What do you mean, you can't say?"

"I Pinkie Promised I wouldn't tell anypony ANYTHING about him! All you're getting about me is that his name is Stupid Doll and that he's Twilight's friend! That's it!"

With a manic grin, Dash leaned in close to her face. "Squirt, why didn't you tell me that in THE FIRST PLACE?!?"

"U-uhhh, sorry?.." she nervously chuckled.

Dropping Scootaloo, Rainbow Dash flew back to Applejack's stand to see... Golden's stand.

"Rainbow Dash!" Golden Harvest cheered. She reached down to pull out a bag of carrots.

"Decided to give my carrots a chance eh? I promise they're as good as any-"

When she looked up, Rainbow was already gone.

"...Apple." she deadpanned, putting her produce back in the basket. “Why does everypony treat carrots like second-class citizens...”.

Big Mac watched with suspicion as his little sister brought home a handsome looking colt. He always told himself if A.J. brought home a stallion he wouldn't try to chase him off, but big brother instincts were hard to resist, especially when he was so involved in raising her. Suppressing his frustration, he forced a gentle smile on his face and trotted up to them.

"Big Mac let me introduce ya!" AJ stepped between the two stallions. "Pardner, this here is mah big brother, Macintosh! Big Mac, this is... what was yer name again?"

"Stupid Doll! Pleased to meet you!" Doll. proclaimed happily.

"..You mean tah tell me yer parents actually named yeh Stupid?"

"Oh no, Twilight named me Stupid." His voice was dripping with honey.

The two apple siblings stared at Stupid in confusion. "S-so!" Applejack continued, "uh, Doll here is a good friend of Twilight's and is staying at her place. Mooching off Twilight doesn't sit right with him one bit, so he asked if there was any work for him tah do around Ponyville! Winter Wrap up is coming round soon so we always could use the extra help getting the farm ready, right Mac?!"

Big Mac’s demeanor became much more frosty. Anypony would assume he was upset. On the contrary, he actually felt much better. This wasn't some stallion pining after his little sister, he was just an honest stallion looking for work.

"Have yeh ever worked on a farm?"

"Never have, but I've done a lot of manual labor before. I'm a quick learner, it won't take long for me to pick this up!" Stupid said with certainty.

He felt Stupid’s name didn't really match up to what he said, but honestly this really wasn't much of an issue. "You'll be paid according to how well you do. We have about 150 trees per acre. I have to take care of about ten acres today. We'll pay you 10 bits per acre taken care of. Try to get about 5 acres done, if you can."

"No problem!"

"It's a deal!" Applejack cheered. "I'll show him how it's done. This way, haystack!"

Big Mac watched as Stupid and A.J. went off to work their share of the acres. He sighed.

'They always bite off more than they can chew.' Dismissing the thought, he raised a hind leg and kicked the tree behind him, dropping all the apples into the baskets next to its trunk.

Big Mac wiped his sweaty brow as he walked back up to the farm. Sitting there was Stupid, looking exhausted.

"Howdy!" Stupid called.

"Howdy," Mac replied in his much calmer drawl. "How much do I owe you?"

"120 bits!" The Pegasus grinned.

He blinked and stared at him. "12 acres?"

"Yup, I worked as hard as I could! Can't feel my legs anymore!" He blushed.

Big Mac squinted and looked at all the trees down the east side of the hill. True to his word, about 12 acres of trees had no apples on them. His focus was broken by the sound of his youngest sister squealing. On her back was a plate holding two mugs.

"Stupid? Yer a big stallion!" Applebloom came trotting up.

"Well, it's not like I could get all those apples as a little unicorn colt!"

"Oh yeah, mah sister told me to bring these to yeh!"

The two stallions took a mug of apple cider each off her back.

"Thanks Applebloom! I can't wait to try some the Apple family's famous apple cider!"

"You never had any of our apple cider before?!" Applebloom gasped. "Go on, try it!"

He took a large swig of cider and sighed with content. "Wow, didn't know what I was missing..." he said, dazed.

"Sorry Stupid, I can't play right now. I have chores I gotta do." She kicked her front hooves.

"That's alright, you go do your chores before you get in trouble."

"Okay. Bye Stupid! See ya at dinner Big Mac!"

Big Mac sat there trying to understand what exactly was said in that conversation. It seemed today was not a good day for thinking. Before he could ponder what happened, his focus was once again broken by a sight for sore eyes. Fluttershy was checking to make sure none of the animals living in the farm were hurt by their harvest. Applejack found her weekly checks to be a tad cumbersome, but he secretly enjoyed the chance to watch the butterscotch mare. Observing the pretty mare go about her business had become one his favorite past times.

"So," a dry voice spoke, "you have a thing for the nature mare."

Big Mac turned and found his blood turning cold. Stupid Doll's whole demeanor had gone from friendly and energetic to cold and stiff. He was hunched over, glaring at him with glassy eyes. No emotion behind them, just intensity. His head quickly jerked over in Fluttershy's direction. The way he looked at her disturbed him. It was as if he was looking at a piece of meat.

"Okay," Stupid simply stated. "Hey, Fluttershy!" Big Mac flinched as he called out in his deep southern drawl.

Suddenly, Stupid was surrounded by green flames and replaced by a squirrel with bandages all over him. Big Mac watched in shock as the squirrel started nuzzling his leg. Fluttershy slowly flew up, hiding her face behind her hair.

"Y-yes?" she meekly said.

Stupid chittered something to her.

"Oh my! Are you okay?!" gasped Fluttershy, bolting to the small creature.
Big Mac blushed as she pushed up so close to him.

The fake squirrel continued to converse with the mare.

"Really?.. I'm so sorry that part time worker hit you, I'm sure he didn't mean it," she apologized. "...Really, Big Mac found and helped you?" She looked up to Big Mac in shock.

Stupid climbed up his leg and nuzzled his face. He continued to speak to her in his squeaky voice.

"...Wow, I didn't know Big Mac was so nice to the animals on this farm..." Fluttershy gasped, "H-he would? Are you sure?"

The squirrel nodded it's head.

"I-I don't know..." She blushed.

Stupid Doll gave Fluttershy the biggest, and only, puppy-dog eyes that Big Mac had ever seen on a squirrel. She shuffled her hooves, and then quickly reached up and kissed Big Mac on the cheek.

"O-oh my!" She stammered before flying off in embarrassment.

Big Mac sat there in shock as Stupid turned back into a pegasus stallion.

"Welp!" He said joyfully, "I was already paid by Applejack, and Twilight is probably starting to get worried, so I'm gonna head back now!" He downed the rest of his cider. "Nice meeting you Big Mac! Good luck with Fluttershy!"

Before Mac could recover from his daze, Stupid Doll had already left.

"Uuuuaaagh..."

Stupid wrapped his hooves around his stomach as he laid on the bathroom floor of his guest room. He had just finished puking up all the cider he drank this afternoon, his apple allergy giving him no mercy.

"I HATE applLUHghrrhleeee..."

Author's Note

Big thanks to Piercing Sight and Wing Dancer. This story would be a lot less awesome without their editing.

Fixing your crazy owner. (Rewritten.)

A routine was slowly starting to form in the castle of friendship. The morning would begin with Twilight waking up and breaking her alarm. After replacing it with a new one, she would head downstairs for breakfast. At the table she would get freaked out by Stupid and then accidentally hurt him.

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!" Twilight wailed.

"WHY DID THE FIRE GET BIGGER?!?" Spike screamed.

"SPIKE, YOU GAVE ME GASOLINE!!!"

"WHAT'S GASOLINE?!?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Stupid Doll sat on a comfy chair donning his pegasus form in Twilight's reading room. He was now calm after many, many healing spells. He patiently waited as Twilight rubbed her temples, trying to relieve a migraine. She was still trying to wrap her head around how he was the one who got set on fire, yet she was the one in anguish. With a pain filled moan, she flopped her head back against the chair, turning her head towards Doll and glaring at him.

"So," Twilight started in a neutral tone, "what did you do yesterday?"

"I worked on Applejack's farm and helped Big Mac charm Fluttershy," Stupid said with a smile.

"Oh, well that was nice- wait, what?" Twilight frowned. "What do you mean by 'helped Big Mac charm Fluttershy?'"

"I turned into a squirrel and told Fluttershy that Big Mac helped me. I told her she should french kiss him and have his delicious love babies."

Twilight's eye twitched. "Why? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT! YOU'RE A DOLL-..." She stopped, her face slowly spreading into a manic grin. Quietly, she got up and started walking towards him. "Because you're NOT A DOLL! HAH! There is no reason for you to help Big Mac other than you wanting to feed on their love! You're a changeling! A REAL changeling!"

Stupid laughed, "Silly Twilight, I'm a Changeling Doll!" he exclaimed.

"Oh yeah?" she said, pushing her muzzle up against his. "Then why did you help Big Mac-"

Twilight gasped when Stupid slid his muzzle across her face, nuzzling her. He turned and planted a kiss on her cheek, wrapping his wings around her. She tried to object but let out a groan of relief when he started to stroke her tail.

"I'm a Changeling Doll Twilight, I'm not going to hurt anyone," he cooed into her ear.

"B-but why did you want Big Mac and Fluttershy to have children?.." Twilight fought against the immense comfort she was feeling. She was losing.

"I love love."

"Love love?"

"I really love the love of others," he gently said, still stroking her tail. "Even if I'm not eating it, I like the feeling of others being in love around me. It makes me happy."

Twilight shoved him off her. "Why would you do something that would make you happy if you're a doll? Explain how you could possibly feel happiness!"

Stupid frowned and looked down. Slowly, he scuffed the floor with his right forehoof. "I'm your best friend Twilight. Making you and your friends happy makes me happy..."

Twilight ignored the pang in her chest and shook her head. "Okay, even if being my best friend is suspiciously similar to what a changeling would do, how can you feel happiness?"

Doll gave a content sigh and rolled his eyes. "That's simple Twilight. I'm a changeling!"

Twilight's eye twitched as she slowly backed up, frantically preparing a shield spell. "S-so... you finally admit it!"

"Admit what?"

"That you're a changeling!"

"Yes."

"You've never been a doll."

"No."

"I knew it, I KNEW IT!"

"I mean, ‘no, I am a doll’."

Twilight stopped and glared at him.

"You're a changeling."

"Yes!"

"And a doll?"

"Yes!"

"How are you both of those things?"

"Because, silly," Stupid threw up his hooves, "I'm a changeling doll!"

Twilight's throat tightened. Tears of frustration welled up in her eyes as she slowly slid to the floor. She covered her face with her hooves and slowly started to sob.

With a sympathetic grin, Stupid trotted up to her and started rubbing her back in a comforting manner.

"There there," he whispered, "let it all out..."

"I hate you. I hate you so much."

"It's okay, you had a rough day," he crooned.

"It's only 8 o’ clock..."

"I know," Stupid nodded, "it'll be okay..."

"Whatever," Twilight grumbled, getting up. "It doesn't matter. By the end of today, I'll know for sure. The letter from Canterlot University comes today. After that, you're outta here."

"Okay!" Stupid happily agreed.

"If you do happen to be doll..." Twilight stopped to think, and then shook her head. "Well, I can't think of anything else that would sit still with a smile on it's face while being on fire!"

She glanced back at Stupid. She still had to put up with him until that letter arrived...

...Or she could just send him back into town again.

“Well, you’re free to wander around town again.” Twilight deadpanned “I’m going to sit back with a nice book and forget…”

...Twilight got a evil little grin.

“Okay Stupid, you’re a doll, right?” Twilight smiled.

“Yes!” He answered.

“Then you shouldn’t have any trouble going into town undisguised, right?”

“Yes!”

Twilight blinked. “Really?”

“Yes!”

“H-huh.” Twilight faltered. “Well then, I dare you to go around town without a disguise all day!”

“Alright.” He burst into green flames, turning back into a changeling. Stupid gently wrapped his hooves around Twilight, embracing her in a warm hug. "Bye Twilight," he said sweetly. "I’ll be back before sundown!" He quickly kissed her on the forehead and skipped out the front door.

Staring dumbly at the prancing changeling, she reached up and felt the spot he kissed, blushing. “...Uh, okay then. See ya.” Twilight said sheepishly.

"So when are you two going to stop beating around the bush and start dating?"

"AH!" Twilight jumped, turning around. "SPIKE! Don't scare me like that! And what do you mean start dating?"

Spike shrugged, "Seems like you have a thing for the stallion."

"First off, Spike, he's a bug. Not a stallion." Twilight scowled. "Secondly, I do NOT have a thing for him! Lastly, even if I did have a thing for him, he's a doll! He can't really feel love like ponies do!"

"So he's a changeling when you hit him, but a doll when he does something you don't like?" Spike raised an eyebrow.

"It's... it's not like that!"

"Sure thing Twilight, whatever you say." Spike walked off into the kitchen, remembering a bucket of ice-cream Twilight recently bought.

"It's... it's not like that." Twilight murmured, unsure who she was talking to. "...I think."

It’s not like that right? I mean he’s a changeling! He’s evil! He’s planning something! There’s no way he could just be a doll! That’s impossible.

Twilight slowly started to frown.

But what if he really is just a doll? What if he somepony tries to hurt him and he doesn’t do anything to protect himself?

...What if somepony accidently gets hurt?

Twilight shook her head. Horsefeathers! I know nopony is gonna get hurt! He won’t hurt anypony even if his life was at risk, because he’s a…

“A doll…” Twilight quietly said. “Ohhhhh what have I done?”

“DELIVERY!” Derpy cheered.

“AHH!” Twilight jumped.

“A letter from…” Derpy squinted at the mail in hoof. “Canterlot University!”

Pinkie was working both happily and diligently on baking cupcakes when it happened again. Her legs shook, her eardrums popped, and her eyes started seeing spots. A new pony was in Ponyville! Or she had an concussion.

"MR.CAKE! MRS.CAKE! I HAVE TO GO AND FIND A VERY SNEAKY PONY!!!"

"Have fun dearie," Mrs Cake said in a monotone as she read the newspaper.

Pinkie Pie plopped a war helmet on, and then a party hat on top of that. This little rascal has avoided her THREE TIMES now! Not today! This time she'd catch him or her for sure!

Using her Pinkie Sense™ to 'scratch' the minds of other ponies nearby, Pinkie jumped out her window and bounced off a nearby sofa being delivered from Quills and Sofas. Landing on her front hooves, she did a flip and giggled as she hopped down the road.

Pinkie squealed with delight as she caught sight of a super friendly changeling giving her the biggest smile ever! Everypony was... throwing their stuff at him?

Pinkie frowned “That’s not very nice.” She would have to throw him an extra big party to make up for that.

Pinkie bounced in next to the changeling and started dodging the objects being thrown.

"HI!!!" Pinkie screamed into the changeling's ear, avoiding a bowling ball flying her way.

"KILL IT, KILL IT, SOMEPONY KILL IT!!!"

"Hi there! I'm Stupid, what's your name?" The changeling cheered, dodging an empty pickle jar.

Pinkie caught an apple being thrown in her mouth and gulped it down. "Awww, you're not stupid! I'm Pinkie Pie!"

"QUICK, SOMEPONY GET A LARGE FLY SWATTER!!!"

"No silly!" The friendly bug jumped over a kitchen sink skidding down the road, "My NAME is Stupid! I am Stupid!"

"Oh!" Pinkie grabbed the carrot thrown at her, then spat it out. "Then you're definitely Stupid!"

"OH SURE, SPIT OUT MY CARROT, GREAT, THANKS!!! WHY DOES NO ONE EAT MY FOOD?!?"

"GET A LIFE GOLDEN!"

"UP YOURS COLGATE!"

"Yep, I'm definitely Stupid~!" He cheered.

“Do you want to be super duper best friends forever?!?” Pinkie grinned, jumping into a bucket and somehow popping out of a puddle on the other side of the changeling.

“Yeah! I would LOVE to be super duper best friends forever!” He said, dodging a cream colored pony flying past him.

"LYRA YOU THREW ME AT THE CHANGELING!"

”DID YOU GET HIM?!?”

”NO YOU IDIOT I DID NOT GET HIM!

“Ohmhgosh! I TOTALLY have to throw you a Pinkie Party!” Pinkie gushed.

“Sure! that sounds fun.”

“YES! This is totally gonna be the best party ever! Up until my next best party ever! I’m gonna go send out invitations!”

Pinkie broke into giggles. She liked her new friend already. Quickly, she skipped through a bush and came out from the leaves of a tree Applejack was currently bucking. After giving her an invitation, she jumped back into the tree before Applejack could respond. She repeated this process for all her friends and the ponies she felt wouldn't be too mean to her new changeling friend. Jumping out of a bucket being thrown at the changeling, she landed right next to him and kept playing dodgeball. Using her Pinkie Sense™, she 'scratched' his brain to try and find out what kind of party-

Pinkie suddenly felt something electrocuting her brain. A very angry, shocked, and slightly scared force kicked her mind around several times before giving her the boot. She collapsed to the ground in pain.

"Pinkie!" Stupid cried in worry. Jumping on top of her he got smashed in the back by an unusually large of tub of jelly. He winced as one of his wings bent in a way that it was not made for.

"OH GREAT NOW THERE'S CHANGELING BLOOD ON MY JELLY JAR! I WAS COUNTING ON YOU TO DODGE THAT!"

"IT HURT PINKIE! GET HIM!"

Stupid wrapped his hooves around Pinkie and huffed after he started to hover. He flinched as the town continued to throw their belongings at him, now successfully hitting him. It was nothing compared to the agonizing pain in his right wing. His wound did nothing to deter him, and the pegasi of the town noticed that. They were scared of the changeling, but everypony loved Pinkie. Doll was knocked out of the air by a gray pegasus.

"Let go of Pinkie, you stupid bug!" The funny eyed pegasus gave a fiery snort.

Wincing, Stupid realized he had to take a gamble. Lifting Pinkie in his magic, he wrapped himself in magic and teleported down the road. Blinking from one spot to the next, he stopped when he saw Sugarcube corner. He calmly strode in and walked up to Mr. Cake at the register.

Doll gave his winning smile. "Hello there, I'm afraid Pinkie had an accident and is now hurt. Do you think you could take her to her room, please?"

"U-uhhh...sure?" Mr. Cake stammered.

"Wonderful! Thank you so much sir!" The changeling beamed.

Laying Pinkie across Mr. Cake's back with his magic, he gave the lanky stallion a calm nod, then blacked-out as he collapsed from overexertion.

Twilight was conflicted when she got the letter from Canterlot University. She felt outright terror when she saw a bonfire being constructed in the middle of town. Enraged she rose up and sucked in as much air as she could.

"EVERYPONY STOP!" Princess Sparkle boomed.

All the ponies froze and looked at her.

“Did you all burn my doll in that bonfire?” She said in an icy tone.

“No, why would we do that?” Colgate raised an eyebrow. “We’re going to burn a changeling we found-”

“It’s not a changeling, it’s a doll!” Twilight yelled.

“...what?” Colgate tilted her head.

Twilight started to rub her temples. Today was going to be a long day.

“Ughh! Listen, a couple days ago I…”

Spike watched Twilight rant to Colgate about Stupid. With a groan, he decided this was taking too long. Looking around, he spotted Golden Harvest nearby and walked up to her.

“Golden, did you see a changeling pass by here?” He questioned.

“Spike, it was terrible, it did the most atrocious thing!”

“It did?” He frowned.

“It…” She shuddered, “It spat out my carrot!”

Spike blinked slowly. “Really?”

"Well, it was Pinkie that spat it out. But why?!?” she yelled. “What did my carrots do to anyone? Why won’t anypony eat my-”

“Pinkie?” Spike interrupted. “Pinkie was here?”

“Yeah, the bug was bouncing and talking and laughing like Pinkie does. The two hit it off right away. Then, when she wasn’t looking, it struck her!”

“Woah, it really hit Pinkie?”

“Well, I didn’t see it hit Pinkie, but she totally fell over and cried in pain. It had to use its sneaky changeling powers on her! First it didn’t eat my carrots, then it hurt Pinkie? I mean, the denial of carrots was bad enough, but hurting Pinkie is just icing on the… Spike? Where are you going? I was talking about carrots!”

Stupid awoke to his insides feeling like sandpaper grinding against each other. It felt as if nails were driven through his eyes as he tried to open them. After adjusting to the light, he found himself tied down to a chair in, what he presumed, was Pinkie's room.

In front of him was a table. Around the table strange things were put into chairs along with him. A bucket of turnips, a pile of rocks, a clump of lint, and a sack of flour. Outside he heard the sounds of ponies screaming in fear. Stupid frowned.

"Oh, ze guest iz awake!" A funny french accent came from the flour. Stupid saw a hoof under the table shake the flour.

"Good evening," Stupid greeted the talking sack of flour. "My name is Stupid, what's yours?"

*Thwap!*

Stupid felt a hoof slap him across the face.

"Hey hey hey! No speaking unless spoken to!" The pile of rocks yelled in a bronx accent.

"OH CELESTIA HAVE MERCY!" a muffled voice screamed outside.

Stupid gave a concerned look towards the window. "I think there might be trouble-"

*Thwap!*

"We are ze onez asking za questionz!" The Flour yelled.

"That wasn't a questi-"

*Thwap!*

"Mr. Changeling, what have you done to Madam Pinkie?" The lint politely inquired.

"Did something happen to her? I don't know what-"

*Thwap!*

"I'll be honest that doesn't really hur-"

*THWAP!*

"Okay, now that hurts."

*THWAP!*

The changeling sighed.

"Whaaat did yoouu dooo tooo the Piiinkiie's Piiinkiiie Seense?" The turnips spoke up this time.

"I dooon't knnoooow?" Doll responded.

*THWAP!*

"Yo punk, why is everypony screaming outside?!?" The rocks rudely inquired.

"Probably because Twilight's going crazy. She's been a little-"

*THWAP!*

"But I was giving you a helpful answer, why did-"

*THWAP!*

"Pinkie you're really bad at interroga-"

*THWAP!*

Realizing screaming in the royal canterlot voice was getting her nowhere, Twilight started levitating ponies up next to her.

"Did you burn my doll?" she forced herself to quietly say through clenched teeth.

"N-no!" Lyra whimpered.

"Where. Is. My. Doll?"

"I don't know! I'm sorry!"

Twilight tossed her away. Without even moving her head in Bonbon's direction, she lifted her up.

"Do YOU know where my doll is?" Her voice dripped with acid.

"Doll?.. Doll! Yes, I know where you doll is!" Bonbon nodded her head violently.

"WHAT? WHERE?!?" Twilight screamed.

"BIG MAC HAS IT! I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU!" She wailed.

Twilight tossed her away and sucked in as much air as she could.

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG MAAAAAAAAAAAAAC!!!

Big Mac proceeded to empty his bladder.

"Hey Mr. Cake, have you seen Pinkie come in with a polite, injured changeling?" Spike asked.

"Yes actually, the thing... made a mess on the floor and fainted. Pinkie was out cold too so I tucked them both into Pinkie's bed."

Spike blinked. "And you weren't surprised at all that a changeling walked into your store?"

"It was very polite," Mr. Cake shrugged. "Were you there when it got hurt?"

"No."

"How did you know it was injured?"

"Because it's Stupid Doll."

"...What?"

Spike sighed. "Because it's stupid."

Mr. Cake frowned. "Well, if you're looking for your friend, he's up in Pinkie's room."

Spike thanked Mr. Cake and headed upstairs, grumbling. "Man, why am I the only reasonable pony around here?... Well, reasonable dragon..."

Spike stopped and frowned when he heard Pinkie shouting. Quietly, he tip toed up to her door and pressed his ear against it.

"WHAT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR?!?"

"Marigold."

*THWAP!*

"WRONG!"

"Cyan blue?"

*THWAP!*

"WRONGER AND WRONGER!"

"Super duper pinkie pie pink?"

*THWAP!*

"WHAT. IS. MY. FAVORITE. COLOR?!?"

"We have gone through 74 colors Pinkie-"

*THWAP!*

"THAT'S NOT A COLOR!"

"...Cupcake? Is cupcake your favorite color?"

*THWAP!*

"YOU'RE GETTING CLOSE!"

"Party? Is your favorite color party?"

*CLONK!*

Stupid frowned. Oddly enough, that wasn't him getting slapped. Pinkie slumped and fell over. Behind her was Spike holding a chair.

"You okay, dude?" Spike frowned. He put down his chair and undid the rope binding Stupid.

Stupid simply stared at Spike, not saying anything.

"...Dude?" Spike started to worry.

"You saved me." Stupid spoke out in a dry, raspy tone.

Spike shivered, unnerved by the sudden coldness of the creature. It stared dead-ahead blankly and had all emotion drained from it’s voice, sounding like a really bored post-office mare.

"Why did you save me?" he spoke in monotone.

"U-uhh." Spike backed up. "Because you needed to be saved?"

"I'm just a doll, though."

"Yeah right, and I'm a zebra." Spike rolled his eyes. "You know I'm not buying that crap, right?"

"You believe I’m a changeling… and you saved me?"

"I know you’re a changeling. And yeah, so?"

"Why, then?"

"Because you needed help?" Spike was starting to regret heading out today.

Stupid gently turned his head to Pinkie, then slowly moved his eyes towards Spike.

"Spike, do you have a special someone you like?" Stupid croaked.

"Uh, what? Is this really the time..." Spike flinched from Stupid’s glare, "Well, yeah... but it's a secret!"

"Whisper it to me." Stupid demanded with a serious expression.

Spike gulped, not wanting to upset the changeling. He whispered into his ear.

"...Alright," Doll murmured, then put on a big grin. "OKAY!" He shouted in joy.

Spike jumped back.

"Did you know, Spike," Stupid continued with cheer, "that hitting a pony in the back of the head doesn't usually knock them out? The pony in question typically just gets up disoriented!"

"Oh, uh, okay..." Spike responded, "but Pinkie’s out cold!"

"Yes she is! That means she probably took enough blunt trauma to give her a life threatening head injury!" Stupid smiled.

Spike gasped, "Oh no!" He started to dance in place "Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no! What do we do?!?"

"I want you to think about that mare you like really hard. Think about everything that makes you love her..."

When Twilight asked around for her Doll, everypony said Big Mac took it. She spent the next hour chasing Big Mac all around town. For such a big stallion, he can run fast. Growing more and more worried about Stupid as time past, she finally smiled as she cornered the quiet farmer.

"BIg Mac, where is my doll!" Twilight growled, her muzzle pushed up against his.

Panting, Big Mac lifted up a smarty pants doll and handed it to Twilight. He hung his head in defeat.

It took all of five seconds before Twilight’s brain rebooted, actually realising that, sure, it was a doll and yes, it happened to be a very prized possession of hers. But it wasn’t the doll she was looking for, and no amount of mind tricks would tell her otherwise. She felt the scowl return to her face. She tried the breathing exercises Cadence taught her, but it did little to put a lid on the well boiled stew of anger she was harboring. She opened her mouth to speak with Big Mac in a calm and collected manner.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!"

Twilight busted through the walls, grabbing everypony she saw with her magic as she flew towards the center of town. No more mrs. nice mare, she wants her doll.

Looking around and seeing that Twilight had left, Big Mac happily picked back up Smarty Pants and trotted off.

Now carrying a bunch of confused ponies in a large bubble of magic, Twilight cleared her throat.

"Ladies and Gentleponies," Twilight calmly spoke, using magic to make sure all of them heard her voice. "I am looking for a CHANGELING doll. It is a doll that looks exactly like a changeling. You know, that thing you tried to kill that didn't fight back or hurt you at all? That thing? It belongs to me." She ended in a dangerous tone.

"U-umm..." Sweetie Belle spoke up.

"Yes Sweetie Belle?" She gave her a wide toothy smile. For some odd reason, it only made Sweetie cringe. Twilight felt that was a little rude.

"I saw Pok-uhhh... Stupid talking to Pinkie earlier today..." Sweetie mumbled.

"I'm sorry Sweetie, could you speak up?" Twilight's eye twitched as she levitated Sweetie closer.

"I saw Stupid and Pinkie talking to each other, you know, while everypony was throwing stuff at him..."

Twilight ‘calmly’ set the whole town down, like any reasonable sane pony would, and teleported to Sugarcube corner.

"Where's Pinkie?!?" she demanded, busting through the doors.

"Upstairs with her new friend I believe. I think they woke up just a little while ago," Mrs. Cake replied. "He was such a strange colt, never seen a changeling up close before.”

“A changeling walked into your home and you’re totally okay with that?”

“Sure.” Mrs. Cake shrugged, “We seen stranger things from Pinkie. At least it was well mannered. Are you feeling alright dearie?” Mrs. Cake frowned.

“Me? I’m fine! I’m perfectly fine, why wouldn’t I be fine?”

"I CAN'T FEEL MY HIND LEGS!!!" somepony screamed from outside the shop.

Twilight’s eye twitched, "if you would excuse me."

Not waiting for a reply, Twilight zipped up the stairs. She opened the door up to Pinkie's room and saw… Stupid and Spike sitting at Pinkie's table eating a slice of cake. Pinkie was sleeping in her bed, gently snoring. Stupid’s wing was bent out of shape and he was scuffed up all over.

"Hey Twilight!" Spike greeted her, "Want a piece of cake?"

Twilight slowly made a painfully wide grin.

After dragging Spike and Stupid home by their ears, both of them were put in time out. Twilight spent the rest of the morning in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, petting her own tail. By the afternoon she pulled herself together enough to take another look at the letter from Canterlot University.

The thing raised more questions and didn't answer any of the ones she had. She scowled at the piece of parchment, wanting it to apologize for causing her so much grief. As the days went by, Twilight had found herself believing Stupid might actually be a doll. She read the letter to herself again.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.

About four months back, two of our most eccentric minds brought in a changeling's dead body. Their names were Quick Wit and White Lie. Quick and White were acting very strange. They kept the room containing the specimen locked down at all times they weren't there. Loud, strange noises could be heard coming from that room at night. About a month after they brought the first one in, they came back with two more changeling bodies. Unsettling rumors started to spread, and Quick and White became more unstable looking as time passed. Three months from when they started, the two proudly presented to us the Changeling Dolls. They claimed they were changelings brought back from the dead with their minds being altered to serve ponykind. Needless to say all the other professors found this quite unsettling. We agreed that there were ethical issues with the Changeling Doll and kicked Quick and White out of the university. I'm sorry Princess, we received all of your letters at the same time. I wish we could tell you more. After we do more research on the matter, we'll try to send you and the other princesses another letter explaining where your three dolls came from.

Sincerely,

Poker Face.

Twilight frowned, she was going to have to get in contact with Celestia, Luna, and Cadence.

Author's Note

I would like to make a big shout to my editors Piercing Sight and Wing Dancer. I had to rewrite this chapter 5 times and those two stood by me every step of way. Seriously, they're amazing. You wouldn't have this chapter if it weren't for them.
Here's the old Chapter 5 in case you were curious.

A very Stupid Halloween. (Non-canon bonus chapter.)

Stupid grit his fangs, trying to shake off the massive migraine in his skull. Opening his eyes he found for once that a bright light wasn't being shined in his face-

"Like, oh my gosh! Stupid, you're awake!" Celestia shined her flashlight into Stupid's eyes. "Now we can start!"

"Princess Celestia?.." Stupid covered his eyes with his hoof. Much to his chagrin, the light just shined through the hole in his foreleg. "Start what?"

"SLUMBER PAR-TAY!" Twilight cheered.

"What." Stupid monotoned.

Stupid looked around and found himself in a... tent? It was made from his blanket hung off something, pulled tight to go as far as it can and nailed to the floor to make a small right angle triangle. It was at room temperature, and he didn't smell anything he would find outside, so he assumed he was still in Twilight's castle, maybe.

"Oh, oh! I know what we should do first!" Celestia clapped her hooves together, shooting a knowing look. "Let's talk about colts."

"Ohhhhhh, you first, you first!" Twilight giggled shyly.

"WELL," Celestia paused dramatically. "There is this totally cute stallion with black fur and turquoise eyes who I think might be intooooo meeeee~"

"No, WAY!" Twilight gasped.

"He busted into my throne room, and told me he was going to make the night, last, forever!"

"That is sooooo romaaantiiiic~!" Twilight swooned.

"So where are we?" Stupid questioned.

"Oh, we're in our super secret base!" Celestia smirked.

"Only cool fillies allowed. No lame mares or silly colts!" Twilight rolled her eyes.

Stupid poked his head outside the tent and saw he was in Canterlot Castle, Celestia's throne room, to be exact. The tent was hanging off the backside of Celestia's throne. He saw two guards look at him with fear. Much to his concern, his changeling sense told him they weren't scared of him, they were scared FOR him.

"So, Twilight! Are there any colts yooooou liiiike?" Celestia teased.

"N-No way, I don't wanna say!" Twilight pouted.

Stupid gently turned Celestia's head to the left and right, checking to see if she had an concussion.

"Oh come on! I told you about my tall, dark and handsome!"

"W-well, there is this one colt..." Twilight fidgeted.

Stupid put his horn to Twilight's, making sure she wasn't brainwashed.

"Every time he laughed, my heart just skips a beat." Twilight played with her tail, looking down shyly.

"Awwwww, that's so cute!" Celestia squealed.

"He threw me into the crystal mines and told me he'd come back for me later~..."

"Oooooooo~..." Celestia waggled her eyebrows. "Sounds like some mare had a good time."

"Yeah, well..." Twilight couldn't wipe the dumb grin off her face.

"Alright Stupid, your turn!" Celestia gave the changeling a mischievous grin.

"Yeah, we told you what colts we like, you can't back out on us this time!" Twilight insisted.

The implications that this had happened before troubled Stupid greatly. He stared at the mentally unstable mares quietly.

"...Alright, why not. I've committed to stranger things." He shrugged. "So, Big Mac has a really nice butt."

"Ohohohoho!" Celestia laughed. "After the big apple are we? What do you think your odds are?"

"Well, I think him and Fluttershy have a thing going on now so not so good to be honest."

"Kill her." Twilight whispered.

"Tonight." Celestia morbidly added, nodding her head slowly.

Stupid Doll quietly contacted the hive and ordered someling to have the Element of Kindness put somewhere safe and very well hidden. He made it very clear he wanted the changeling standing in for her to sleep lightly and to run at first sight of an alicorn.

"You know what they say, a good friend helps you move your couch!" Twilight started.

"A best friend helps you hide the body!" Celestia finished.

Stupid found himself pulled into a group hug. Deciding reality was beyond repair, he copped a feel off Twilight before the two alicorns inevitably killed him.

"Ooo, Stupid!" Twilight giggled flirtatiously. "Save that for tonight marefriend!"

"Tonight," Stupid stated. "What's going to happen tonight?"

"Hey babes!" a scary voice called out, opening the tent.

"Moony! No stallions allowed!" Twilight complained.

"Hey, if he wants to come in, I don't have a problem with that." Celestia rubbed up against Nightmare Moon.

"Out of the way mares! I'm here for that hot piece of flank!" Nightmare Moon pointed at Stupid. "Hey baby, ever been with a real stallion before?"

Stupid rolled his eyes. "For the sake of infiltration, yes actually-"

Before Stupid could respond, he heard a gasp from both Twilight and Celestia.

"MOONY!" Twilight shrieked. "THERE'S A SKELETON in your body!"

"Really?" Stupid sighed.

"Oh no, OH MAKER NO!" Nightmare Moon screamed in fear. "GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT-"

"I'LL SAVE YOU CHEESECAKE!" Celestia screamed. She pulled a bat out of... wherever ponies store things in their nonexistent pockets and started beating him.

"KILL IT! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!" Twilight screamed, ripping Nightmare Moon to pieces with powerful blasts of magic.

Stupid was watching the display stoically, wondering how in Tartarus he was going to explain to the gates of heaven the circumstances of his death. Eventually the two mares stopped, leaving an unrecognizable bloody blob on the ground.

"Did... did we get it?" Twilight sniffed.

Twilight and Celestia leaned over the pile of scrambled pony on the ground, shaking with fear.

"...Yeah I think you got it." Nightmare Moon's voice came from the mess.

Stupid awoke with a small gasp, looking around. He was in his guest room, it was all a dream. Sighing, he laid his head back down against the pillow.

And felt a hoof stroke his chest.

"What's the matter, baby?" Nightmare Moon whispered.

For the first time since he was five years old, Stupid screamed.

Author's Note

I'm sorry, what?
Don't be silly, of COURSE this isn't canon!
Happy Halloween folks.
Feel free to beat me with a stick over any typos or grammar issues.

Comforting your drunk owner.

He's just a doll. There's no way a changeling would put up with all the abuse he's gone through.

Unless he belonged to a species that was a master of deception.

But he's had so many opportunities to capture, control, and hurt ponies! Why would he just pass those up?

Because he didn't want to give up the easy life style he has, he's feeding off me.

No, it hasn't been easy... He's been getting hurt everyday now, there's no reason for him to stick around!

I'm one of the princesses of Equestria, I also played a key role in stopping the invasion at Canterlot. This is way too suspicious.

But... I'm the Princess of Friendship. He's been friendly, kind, loyal, generous, and a little funny sometimes. Maybe he's really being honest, too. I should have a little faith...

...Faith in a letter sent by a stallion named Poker Face? You're not that dense, Twilight.

Twilight shook her head. She spent the last 10 minutes standing in front of the guest room Stupid was staying in. Pinkie was going to throw him a Pinkie Pie party, and Twilight was determined to have nothing go wrong today.

Okay, it doesn't matter if he is a real changeling or not right now. I caused the town a lot of trouble, and I need to prove I have things under control now...

... I hope.

Gulping, Twilight braced herself and slammed open Stupid's door.

"Rise and shine Stupid! Today we're going to have a party at Pinkie's!" Twilight cheered.

She looked around, her doll nowhere to be seen.

"Stupid, where are you?" she questioned.

"Right behind you Twilight!"

"Ah!" Twilight spun around and saw… Stupid squished between the wall and the door.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?!?"

After bandaging up Stupid's forehead, Twilight offered to make breakfast today. Due to yesterday's spectacle, Spike had requested to sleep in, leaving Twilight and Stupid alone at the dining table. The meal consisted of a modest daffodil sandwich and hay chips. As the two ate in silence, Twilight kept sneaking glances at Stupid, who was now in his pegasus form. Wanting to speak up, she cleared her throat.

"Stupid..." Twilight faltered, "I haven't been very nice to you, and I wanted to say... I wanted to say sorry." She lowered her head. "I know you're a doll, but I'm not really sure if you can actually feel things or not." The letter from Canterlot left Twilight with more questions than it answered. "If you can, I really appreciate how nice you've been to me. Thanks for everything so far..." Twilight trailed off.

"You’re fine Twilight!" Stupid smiled. "It's no problem at all!"

Twilight sighed. "You're only saying that because you're a doll."

"I'm not saying that because I'm a doll."

Twilight blinked. "Then why are you saying that?"

Stupid gave her a gentle smile. "Because you're worth it."

Twilight looked down at her half eaten sandwich and blushed. "W-well, you’re probably only saying that because you're a doll too!"

"Maybe." Stupid shrugged. "Maybe not. I know one thing though."

"And what's that?"

Stupid rose from his seat and crossed over to Twilight.

"When I looked inside your mind, I saw a mare who faced an insane goddess. I saw a mare who refused to give in to misery in front of a god of chaos, a mare who was shunned by her friends and family because of a changeling queen’s ruse. A mare..." He nuzzled her cheek, "who gave up her destiny, her very reason for living to save her friends and a draconequus who betrayed her.

"I saw a mare who was terrified of a changeling doll and wanted to dispose of it it immediately, but didn't because she doesn't let her fear stop her from doing the right thing." Stupid wrapped his wings around Twilight and slowly stroked her tail. "She works hard to save the world, sometimes sacrificing a lot to do so, and all she gets is a pat on the back in return. Yet, tired and scared, this mare just keeps trying and trying. I might be a doll, but I'm thinking, the chance to serve this mare and make her happy?" He kissed her cheek. "I'm thinking that's worth something."

Twilight was speechless. All the frustration and fear from this week, finally felt like it was slowly being lifted off her back. Tears welled up in her eyes as she gave up and buried her head into his chest, crying. Gently he cooed, holding her closer as she sobbed.

"That's all I wanted..." Twilight whimpered. "I didn't want to run away from how tough it was, I just wanted somepony to know how hard it's been; How scary it was, h-how lonely it was, sometimes..."

"It's okay Twilight, I know..." He kissed her forehead and wiped her nose.

The two sat there for a while before they finished the rest of their breakfast. Smiling, Twilight held the door open for Stupid.

"Okay, you ready for Pinkie's party?" She asked.

"Yeah! I'm rea-"

A bolt of lightning struck Stupid as he trotted out the front door.

"Sorry!" a pegasus yelled from above, standing on a thundercloud.

Mr. Cake stared in confusion at the pair of ponies entering. One was slightly burnt and smoking. Said pony had half of his feathers ripped off off one wing, and multiple glass shards embedded in his face. The other pony was well groomed and perfectly fine. What confused Mr. Cake wasn't their appearance, rather the fact that it was the injured one wearing a peaceful smile, while Princess Twilight Sparkle, in all her glory, looked very annoyed.

"Are you alright, sir?" Mr. Cake asked, concerned.

"Me? Oh, I'm perfectly fine!" The stallion beamed.

"No, no you are NOT fine! Actually, how are you still alive? I still don't understand how you keep getting hurt all the time!" The princess growled.

"Well, I was built to be sturdy!"

"You were obviously built with no self preservation! How can you just sit there and smile?!?"

"Still worth it." He winked at her highness.

The princess blushed, looking away shyly. Sensing this was something private, Mr. Cake quietly left the two to go tell Pinkie her guests were here.

Twilight shook her head and focused. This doll was way too good at making her flustered.

"Alright, you!" Twilight pushed Stupid towards the restroom. "Now that we're here, you need to be cleaned-"

"HI STUPID, HI TWILIGHT!"

Pinkie popped out from the keyhole on the restroom door and headbutted Stupid, knocking him through the open door in the women's restroom. He landed head first into a mopping bucket and slid towards the last stall. Busting through the door, he flipped over, bucket flying off, his head planting itself firmly between the legs of a shocked Rainbow Dash sitting on the toilet.

Rainbow Dash stared in horror as the bloody, soapy head slowly rose and smiled at her.

"Hey!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

*THWACK*

Twilight let out a frustrated sigh. She came to the depressing conclusion that the effort to keep her doll safe was far more stressful than trying to prove it was a changeling. Tapping her hoof impatiently, she trotted over to the little colt's room. She was about to call out to Stupid to make sure he was alright when she heard his muffled voice.

...You found who?

Frowning, Twilight put her ear up against the restroom door.

"...Alright, calm down. Give her some morphine... Doing a great job..."

"...Her in... ...Look out for..."

Morphine? Look out?!?

Stupid suddenly walked out of the restroom. "Ah!" Twilight screamed for the fifth time today.

"Are you okay Twilight?" Stupid looked concerned.

Changeling! He IS a changeling! He's definitely without a doubt a changeling!

"Twilight?" Stupid put a hoof on her forehead.

Okay, okay! It's okay Twilight! You know for sure he's a changeling now, you just have to stay calm and...

"Because you're worth it."

Twilight bit her lip, taking Stupid's hoof off her forehead and looking him in the eyes.

"Stupid..." She frowned. "If you were a changeling, I wouldn't hurt you." She hesitated. "Well, I wouldn't hurt you on purpose. Do you know that?"

"Of course, you're my friend!" He smiled.

"That's right, I'm your friend." She smiled. "So, please, just tell me right now, okay? If you're a changeling I won't be mad, I promise. If you tell me right now that you're really a changeling, I promise I won't hurt you or get mad at you..."

Stupid gave her a sad look. "I'm sorry Twilight. I'm a doll, no matter how many times you ask. I can pretend to be an actual changeling, if you want."

Why did you have to lie?..

"Okay Stupid." Twilight gave him a sad smile. "I believe you," she lied. "Let's head upstairs, everypony is waiting for us."

I'll wait till we get home tonight, after the party, I'll...

Twilight, shook her head, not wanting to think about it. Besides containing him, she didn't know what else to-

"Ah!" Twilight screamed for the sixth time today as she walked into Pinkie's door.

Rubbing her snout, Twilight rolled her eyes and opened the door. Right as she entered, a blast of confetti rained down on her and Stupid. Pinkie Pie grabbed them both and threw them into the room. As soon as her eyes stopped rolling Twilight found herself in a circle with her friends smiling.

"Howdy Sugarcube, see you brought the farmhoof along!" Applejack tipped her hat at Stupid.

"Yeah, where's that crazy changeling thing of yours? I mean, not that I'm complaining..." Rainbow blushed.

Twilight sighed. "Everypony, this is Stupid Doll. Stupid Doll, these are my friends, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity. Stupid, say hello."

"Hello world!" Stupid beamed.

"He's friendly, cheery, eternally optimistic, and a complete and total pain in the butt." Twilight deadpanned.

The room was dead silent.

"Oh," Applejack lamely said, "I uh, I reckon tha name Stupid Doll kinda explains itself there."

"So that means that he's..." Rainbow trailed off.

"Yes Rainbow, this is my changeling doll." Twilight finished.

"You mean you girls didn't know?" Pinkie Pie tilted her head.

Everypony in the room fidgeted quietly.

"A~hem, well then!" Rarity smiled and extended her hoof, "It's a pleasure to meet you darling! You already seem to know Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack. I am Rarity, and this here is Fluttershy."

Fluttershy squeaked and hid behind her mane.

"Nice to meet you Rarity," Stupid replied in a more refined tone than usual. He put on the most adorable puppy eyes Twilight had ever seen and laid his head and torso flat against the floor. Quietly, he said, "It's very nice to meet you, Fluttershy..."

Twilight noted with some concern that Rainbow Dash was blushing while staring at his flank sticking up in the air.

"O-oh, um, it's very nice to meet you..." Fluttershy mumbled.

"ALRIGHT EVERYPONY!" Pinkie yelled. "Let’s get this party STARTED!"

All at once cupcakes and punch were laid out in front of everypony and a familiar party song filled the air. Twilight saw that party hats were placed on top of everypony's head except for Stupid. Pinkie placed it on his butt for some reason. Stupid didn't seem to mind, Twilight would have been surprised if he did, actually. After what happened yesterday, Twilight convinced Pinkie that having a party for a changeling, even if it's a just a changeling doll, might not have been the best idea. The two came to a compromise that a small party consisting of close friends would make do.

"Alright girls, what do we do first?" Twilight asked.

"Truth or dare!" Rainbow Dash immediately responded.

Rarity winced "Yes, well, I think we should discuss-"

"Truth or dare!" Rainbow Dash insisted.

"Hold on thar pardner! Yer acting like a turkey on Thanksgiving!"

Fluttershy fainted.

Putting a pillow under Fluttershy's head, Twilight responded, "Why do we even celebrate that holiday anyway?"

"Tradition." Applejack smiled.

"We don't even eat it!"

"Tradition." Applejack stood firm.

"Yeah yeah, we're herbivores that kill turkeys-let's play truth or dare!" Rainbow urged on.

Pinkie pulled out her emergency smelling salts (in case of fainting emergencies) and waved them under Fluttershy's nose. "Okay, truth or dare! Who goes first?"

"Me! Me me me!" Rainbow Dash waved her hoof.

"Alright, alright, go ahead Rainbow." Twilight sighed and downed her punch.

"Alright Twilight, truth! Are you and your doll lovers?"

Twilight spat out her punch over Fluttershy, the light red liquid spraying her right in the eyes. The startled pegasus recoiled back and smacked her head against Pinkie's bed. Pinkie sighed and pulled out the smelling salts again.

"What? No! We are not lovers! It's a changeling doll Rainbow, it doesn't have..."

"Because you're worth it."

"I don't even know if it can think for itself or not. Who would make a doll their lover?"

"Okay, Stupid, truth!" Rainbow ignored her retort.

Applejack frowned. "Sugarcube, you already-"

"Stupid, can you feel love towards ponies, being a doll and all that junk?"

"Yes!" Stupid beamed.

Everypony stared at the doll blinking.

"Twilight, dare!" Rainbow grinned.

Twilight face-hoofed. "Rainbow-"

"I dare you to a drinking contest! Whoever wins gets to keep Stupid Doll!"

"What? Rainbow, I already own Stupid, why would I-"

"What are you, chicken?" Rainbow taunted.

Twilight sighed, "Rainbow, I'm not going to-"

"Hey, who was it that said that he's a pain in the butt? If you win, you get to brag you beat the Rainbow Dash in a competition! If you lose, you get rid of an annoying doll! Win win situation, right?"

"You don't know what you're getting into-"

"Buh buh buh braaaaaawk, buh buh buh-"

"Ugh! Fine! I'll have a stupid drinking contest with you!" Twilight snapped.

"Yes! This is going to be so awesome!" Rainbow hoof-pumped while doing a backflip though the air.

"Rainbow, tha' way you goaded Twilight was terrible and you should be ashamed of yerself," Applejack scolded. "On the other hoof, I've never thought I'd see the day Twilight would compete in a drinking contest! I'll go get the hard cider from tha farm! Pinkie, gimme ah hoof will ya?"

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie bounced up and followed Applejack out of the room.

Twilight sighed in frustration. Rainbow sat back down in her spot, waiting patiently. She had a smug grin on her face, trying to stare Twilight down. Not wanting to get into a staring contest, Twilight switched her focus onto the next closest pony, which happened to be Fluttershy. The poor mare had missed most of the conversation and looked confused and scared.

"A-are we fighting?" Fluttershy softly spoke up.

Twilight gave her a gentle smile. "No Fluttershy, we're not fighting, Rainbow Dash and I are just having a friendly competition."

"Yeah, a friendly competition!" Rainbow Dash added. "...That I'm gonna kick your butt in!"

"Rainbow!" Fluttershy quietly scolded.

"What?" Rainbow tried to look innocent.

Trying to ignore Rainbow again, and not wanting to look at Stupid, Twilight turned her attention to the only mare left in the room, Rarity. Rarity was talking to Stupid Doll.

"Fabulous darling! Come with me downstairs, the measurements will only take a second!" Rarity beamed.

"Sure thing!" Stupid cheered.

"Where are you two going?" Twilight frowned.

"Since I'm a changeling doll, Rarity wanted me to turn into a couple of her clients so she could take their measurements!"

"Think of the time it'll save! You don't mind, do you Twilight?"

"Can’t you measure him here?"

"I have everything I need downstairs in a bag. Inspiration strikes anywhere and everywhere, you know!"

"Oh, okay then. Go right ahead Rarity." Twilight smiled, then glared at Stupid. "You be on your best behavior."

"I promise to be on my best behavior, unless something threatens me or somepony I care about!" Stupid swore.

Twilight paused. That was oddly specific.

"Good luck Rarity." Twilight said, a bit of worry in her voice.

"Thank you, dear! Come along now darling!"

Rarity and Stupid rose up and left the room, leaving Twilight with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash was still staring at Twilight smugly and Fluttershy looked like she was about to have a nervous breakdown. Time only made things more uncomfortable as Twilight sat there, and she couldn't help but worry about Rarity.

He wouldn't do anything to her, would he?

Twilight got up. "I'm going to the little filly's room," she told the pegasi as she headed downstairs.

I'll just check up on them, just to make sure...

Stupid followed Rarity down the steps, happily humming to himself.

"You don't know how USEFUL your ability to shapeshift will be darling!" Rarity gushed. "If I can borrow you from time to time then I could save so much-"

Right as Stupid and Rarity turned the corner, Stupid Doll tackled Rarity, wrapping a fetlock around her horn and slamming his other hoof into her stomach. Before she could get her breath he smashed her stomach again, aiming at just the right spots to knock the breath out of her.

"When you wake up, tell Queen Chrysalis I sent a message straight from Prince White Lie himself!" He whispered in her ear in a dry, raspy tone.

Stupid rammed his hoof into her another three times.

"We see what you eat, we hear what you say, and we know where you sleep!" Doll growled, hitting Rarity in the stomach again.

"STOP!!!" Twilight screamed, shooting a stun blast into Stupid's stomach.

Stupid grit his fangs and kept slamming his hoof into Rarity. Growing desperate, Twilight rammed into Doll and knocked him and Rarity to the floor. Standing over him, she blasted him over and over trying to make him stop. Twilight relented as he finally went limp and let go of Rarity.

"Hi!" Stupid smiled weakly at her.

"HI? HI?!? I TRUSTED YOU, YOU MONSTER!!! I ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU MIGHT-..."

On the ground between Twilight and Stupid, Rarity suddenly combusted into green flames. Twilight watched as her friend transformed into an unconscious changeling.

"I... I... what?" Twilight's brain shut down.

"Permission to self repair?" Stupid's happy tone belied the incredible pain he was in.

"...What?" Twilight said dumbly.

"Permission to self repair?" Stupid said in a more quizzical tone.

"Uh, y-yeah, permission granted.”

Stupid's changeling horn quietly hummed as the holes around the sides of his chest closed up.

"Wait, where's Rarity?" Twilight snapped back into attention.

"Back home, safe and sound!" Stupid reassured her. "This is Stupid, the imposter has been taken care of. I'll wait out front for you."

"Wait, who are you talking to?"

"The police!" Stupid smiled, lifting the changeling onto his back.

"The police? Why are you in contact with the police, and how?"

"Your Changeling Doll is programmed to never harm another pony unless they are threatening a civilian." Stupid Doll went into monotone. "It is every changeling doll's duty to report any suspicious activity to the nearest changeling doll on active duty in the police station. All changeling dolls will be on the constant lookout for any unusual activity, including changeling dolls who belong to a civilian."

Twilight blinked. "Why didn't the manual say anything about this?"

"You were given a civilian's manual, not an officer's."

Twilight sighed in frustration, now waiting outside with him.

"Why didn't you tell me Rarity was replaced?"

"It's my job not to cause drama or trouble for my owner," Stupid explained.

"You've been doing a wonderful job of that so far." Twilight snarked.

Twilight felt a pang of guilt when she saw the look of pain on Stupid's face.

"I'm sorry..." Stupid said quietly. "I know you don't like me, and you might not be my owner after tonight, but I want to prove that I'm worth something. Please give me a chance."

Twilight winced. "Stupid, look..."

"Hello!" A chipper voice spoke up right behind Twilight.

"Ah!" Twilight screamed for the seventh time today as she spun around. "Oh, oh! Hello officer... I don't think I recognize you."

"Hello, nice to meet you! I'm officer Coffee Maker. I was just transferred over here about a week ago."

"Nice to meet you, uh, Coffee." Twilight flicked her wings nervously. "Is Rarity okay?"

"Oh she's just fine. A few cuts and bruises here and there, but nothing serious. She's sleeping off her medication at home!"

“Drugs? Why was she drugged?” Twilight questioned

“We estimate she was taken and wrapped up around last night. When we got her out of her cocoon, she was babbling and crying. We gave her a little something to calm her down on the trip back home,” he responded. Coffee took the unconscious changeling off Stupid's back and started to trot off. "If you want more information, come visit us tonight or tomorrow!" He called back.

Twilight stayed silent as she watched Coffee trot off. Something clicked in her head as he turned the corner.

Twilight looked at Stupid. "Wait did you say that there's a changeling doll in every police-"

"Howdy you two, we're back with the cider!" Applejack shouted.

Twilight stopped herself from screaming. Taking a second to enjoy her little victory, she turned and faced Applejack.

"You okay sugarcube?" Applejack raised an eyebrow.

"Yes! I mean, yes, I'm fine." Twilight took a deep breath. "Look, Rarity..."

"Rarity what? Something wrong with Rarity now? I swear, that mare's more fussy than a starving filly in-"

"Applejack, we really need to have a talk about your similes."

"My what now?"

"Ugh, not important right now, look!" Twilight shook her head. "Rarity was... Rarity got replaced by a changeling tonight. That was a changeling with us tonight, not Rarity."

"Rarity was replaced by changeling?" Pinkie frowned.

“Yes, but-”

“Rarity was replaced by a changeling,” Pinkie repeated.

Twilight and Applejack stared at Pinkie in confusion.

Applejack sighed. "What do we do Twi? Do we have any clue where she might be?"

"At home in bed, sleeping off the drugs she was pumped full off." Twilight deadpanned.

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Whut?"

"Stupid found out that the Rarity here was a fake and contacted the police. They found Rarity and Stupid took out the fake changeling."

"Well fancy that!" Applejack rubbed Stupid on the head, "We got our own little changeling detector here! Good job Stupid!"

"Thank you!" Stupid beamed.

And he wouldn't have gotten hurt if you had a little faith in him. Twilight felt a pang of guilt.

"Hey! What are you guys doing with the hard cider out there? The party's in here!" Rainbow yelled from the window.

"My Pinkie Sense didn’t pick up anything.” Pinkie said slowly.

“Aw shoot sugarcube, I don’t think yer pinkie sense can pick up everythang. Don’t you worry about it.” Applejack gave her a small smile. “I’m gonna head over and check up on Rarity, any of you comin with?”

“I-I would like to go, that is, if you don’t mind…” Fluttershy murmured.

“Ah!” Twilight jumped back, startled by Fluttershy.

Twilight’s eye twitched. She was startled by Fluttershy. By Fluttershy.

“You okay there sugarcube?” Applejack poked Twilight.

“My Pinkie Sense hasn’t picked up anything today…” Pinkie quietly said.

Applejack and Fluttershy stared at their two friends as they quietly sat there and twitched.

“Oooookay then!” Applejack gave an awkward grin. “We’ll just be moseying off then, see ya!”

Twilight didn’t respond as her two friends took off. For the next two minutes two twitchy ponies sat there muttering about ‘Shadowshy’ and ‘pinkie sense’ and ‘evil dolls’ and ‘talking balloon animals.’

“I’M WAAAAAITIIIIIING~!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

Twilight snapped out of her stupor, recalling the last ten minutes. She gulped and started dragging Pinkie inside with her. In a moment of anger she just agreed to possibly bet away her doll. Oh horsefeathers…

Twilight sat down her seventh mug, reeling. Rainbow licked her lips and smiled.

"What's wrong Twi? Wanna stop?" Rainbow taunted.

Twilight stared down at the mug. She grabbed Pinkie's bed to make it stop spinning around her and forced the burning liquid down her throat. Shrugging, Rainbow downed her drink easily, poured Twilight another mug, and pushed it in front of her. Twilight stared at the alcoholic beverage in defeat.

She felt a hoof prod her on the shoulder and turned around to see Stupid staring at her with pleading eyes.

“Please don’t lose,” he mumbled.

“Stupid?” She slurred.

“I want to prove I’m worth it too, please don’t lose…” Stupid quietly pleaded.

That was the last straw. Her conflicting desires for keeping her doll, the stress from the last week, and Stupid’s plea finally broke her composure.

“NO, NO! NOPE, I’M DONE! I’M SICK OF THIS MANURE, GIVE ME WHOLE BUCKING BARREL!” Twilight screeched.

Everybody backed away in fear as Twilight put her head under the nozzle. Turning the handle all the way, Twilight guzzled down the rest of the half full barrel. Twilight’s stomach bulged and wobbled in front Rainbow Dash

”Top that!”

Rainbow raised her hooves as she scooted backwards, shaking her head.

Raising her head, Twilight gave a loud victory cry, and then promptly vomited all over Rainbow Dash.

“Stuuuuuupid~, I can walk just fiiiiiiine!” Twilight giggled as she leaned against Stupid.

“Of course you can, you’re helping me walk home,” he said gently.

“Oh, that’s okay then.” Twilight grinned as she nuzzled his neck.

Stupid struggled trying to open Twilight’s bedroom door while keeping her from falling. The door finally opened, and Twilight laughed as she dragged Stupid into the bed with her.

“You pushed me.” Twilight pouted.

“I’m sorry your majesty, what can your humble doll do to make it up to you?” Stupid laughed.

“I need some serious snuggles, stat!” Twilight ordered.

Twilight giggled and Stupid wrapped his arms around her and started to cuddle.

“You are like, the cutest little buggy ever.” She stroked his face.

“Not as cute as you right now!”

“You know, I never had a pegasus take me for a ride before. You wanna take me for my first flight?” She stroked his hind leg as she whispered into his ear.

“Twilight,” Stupid whispered. “...You have wings silly!” Stupid booped her on the nose.

“Stuuuupiiiiid…” Twilight moaned, biting his ear.

Working her mouth down, Twilight tried to reach his lips, only to kiss a hoof instead.

“Twilight, you’re drunk. You don’t want to do this.” Stupid warned her.

“You’re my doll, kiss me.” Twilight ordered, irritated.

“I’m your friend, friends don’t let friends do things they would regret.” Stupid refused.

Twilight pouted and glared at Stupid. Standing firm under her gaze, Stupid frowned when he saw Twilight start to cry.

“I’m sorry.” Stupid nuzzled the top of her head with his chin.

“I’m horrible…” Twilight cried.

“No you’re not.”

“Yes I am!”

“No, you are not horrible!” Stupid chided her.

“Nopony wants me.” Twilight whimpered.

“Why would you think that?” He wrapped his wings around her.

“I saved Equestria a lot. I served the Princess fafa- faithfally-fafuh… I’m super nice to the Princess,” Twilight hiccuped. “I made really good friends, I’m nice to everypony, an’ now I’m a member of royo- royaly- royuhhh… I’m cool now.” Twilight stuttered. “Why hasn’t any stallion asked me out?

“Am I ugly? Am I really annoying? Am I so lame that I was actually two times the lame an’,” Twilight scrunched up her nose. “An’ nopony ever hangs out with them alone, they’re only invited to groups. I’m that pony, except not that lame.

“I don’t act like a relaxed know-it-all like Celestia an’ I don’t talk funny like Luna, I’m just a boring bookworm!”

“You’re not ugly, or annoying, or boring…” Stupid tried to soothe her.

“Yes I am! I’m so annoying even my doll whose job is to love me doesn’t want me!”

Twilight gasped as Stupid flipped her onto her back. and pinned her down, growling in her ear.

“I want you…” He nibbled her ear. “I want you so badly right now. You’re so funny and smart.” He kissed her cheek. “You’re so amazing I can’t stop thinking about you.” He slid his tongue along her jawline, making Twilight moan quietly. “You’re so cute, and… sexy…” He massaged her flanks as he kissed her deeply.

Stupid gently stroked her tail as he broke their kiss. Gasping for air, Twilight groaned as Stupid planted kisses all the way down to her stomach. “I want you so bad…” Stupid blew a raspberry on her tummy. “I’m willing to wait till you’re not completely smashed, you silly pony!” He gave her a light kiss on the forehead.

Stupid watched as Twilight gave him the cutest puppy eyes he had ever seen. He returned the look with an amused smile. Realizing she wasn’t going to charm him tonight, she huffed and buried her head into his chest.

The two lay there until Twilight started to gently snore. Chuckling, Stupid tried to get up, only to have Twilight squeeze him harder. After struggling a bit, Stupid came to the conclusion he was not sleeping in his guest bed tonight.

“Oh no, whatever shall I do?” Stupid smiled as he snuggled closer to Twilight. “You are so going to kill me when you wake up…”

”Poker Face, we have a situation.”

Stupid frowned. ”What’s wrong Dirty?”

”Three fillies wandered into the Everfree forest just now.”

”Who are they?” Doll had a sinking feeling, he already knew which three fillies were crazy enough to waltz into the Everfree Forest at night.

”Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle, sir.”

Stupid sighed as he quietly teleported out of Twilight’s bed. Twilight whimpered as her pegasus sized teddy bear disappeared. Slipping a pillow between her hooves, he slipped out the window and started heading towards the forest.

”Keep an eye on those three and make sure nothing dangerous gets near them. I’m going to find out what they’re up to.”

Author's Note

As I wrote this chapter, I was listening to Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Because you know, that's romantic.

Saving your threatened owners.

Stupid Doll quickly flew through the night above Ponyville, the cold night being darker than usual due to how cloudy it was. His eyes on the constant lookout for trouble on the streets. Twilight’s memories made it very clear that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were the cause of most trouble, but there could be an incident going on now. Experience has taught him that accidents happen most often when you're distracted by another incident. Unfortunately, there was no trouble around town to solve, meaning this wasn’t really a distraction trying to lure him away from town. He was not looking forward to spending all night in a dangerous forest, only to come back tired and most likely injured to a Twilight Sparkle with a massive hangover. After double checking that no other trouble was being stirred, he hurried and landed at the outskirts of the Everfree Forest.

Stupid quickly, and carefully, checked surrounding the area. He couldn't help others if he got in trouble himself. After double and triple checking (just the way Twilight liked it) the surrounding area, he concluded that nothing was nearby and that he was-

"Hey Stupid!"

-right next to Applebloom.

"Hey Applebloom!" He forced his voice to sound cheerful. "What are you doing out so late, does your sister know you're out and about?"

"Well, n-no, but ah need yer help!" Applebloom cried.

"You do? What's wrong?" He lowered himself down to her eye level.

"Well, Scootaloo, Sweetiebelle, and I were out in the Everfree when we ran into a bit o' trouble..."

"I understand. You’ll fill me in on the rest after we get them out, alright? The Everfree is not a safe place for little fillies to be." Stupid said in a soothing tone.

"Okay!" She galloped ahead into the Everfree.

Stupid followed at a leisurely pace, keeping his eyes on the forest around them.

"Dirty, I located Applebloom. She's taking me towards the other two.”

"Poker, we have a problem."

"Yes, Dirty?"

"All three of the fillies are still together. I don't know who that is with you, but it isn't Applebloom."

Stupid slowly caught up to Applebloom and ‘accidently’ tripped her.

“Oof!” She landed on her snout, cutting it.

“Oh, I’m sorry Applebloom! Here, let me see…” He took a deep breath and spat.

“Ahh!” She cried, dodging the loogie aimed at her face. “What in the hay are ya doin?!?”

“Oh, sorry! I was only trying to get your nose, hold on!”

“Wait, what?!? Now hold on a- hey!”

Applebloom dodged as Stupid shot spitball after spitball at her. Eventually, enough of it got on her hooves that she couldn’t move anymore.

“Great, now stay still…”

Haaaaack!..

“Wait, NO-”

PATOOIE!

Applebloom stayed deathly quietly, glaring at Stupid as spit dripped down her forehead.

“Don’t worry, I got this!” He rubbed the spit all over her face. “There we go…”

“Are ya done yet?” Applebloom growled.

“I may have added too much,” Stupid mused.

“Too much?!?” Applebloom yelled. “Why’d ya spit all over mah face anyway?”

“Oh! Changeling’s form scabs by spitting on the spot that got hurt! We also use our spit as a building material due to how fast it solidifies!”

“Stupid...”

“It’s amazing really, it’s also naturally an antacid for our stomachs too, as well as a disinfectant. Although those last two are the case for most creatures…”

“Stupid!..”

“You know, saliva serves a lot of different functions, along with what I’ve listed, it’s also used as a lubricant. It’s the medium that helps you taste things, and birds use it to construct bird’s nests. Also- oh... oh dear.”

“MMMPH! MMMHMMHM!” Applebloom struggled, trying to get the large changeling scab off her face.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Hold on, Iet me get that off you!” He lifted her chin to get a closer look. “Just close your eyes for a second, this shouldn’t take long.”

Sighing in annoyance, Applebloom rolled her eyes and closed them.

Stupid proceeded to buck her in the face.

Stupid spun around quickly and watched Applebloom's head slam against the tree behind her. She moaned as she lost consciousness, her body bursting into a bright green flame. Doll stared at the unconscious changeling for a second before heading deeper into the forest.

"Poker?"

"Yes Dirty?"

"You are a terrible changeling, Poker."

"Duly noted, Dirty."

"Ah thought yeh said you knew where we were headin’!" Applebloom yelled.

"I do! It's just harder to see where we're going at night!" Scootaloo retorted.

"Why we'd hafta go at night anyway? I told you this was a stupid idea!"

"Oh come on, ever since we made a campfire near the edge of the Everfree, they've been watching us really closely! It was the only time we could sneak away!"

"Yeah, that's because you guys almost set the whole forest on fire!" Sweetie Belle complained.

"What do you mean we? You were there too!" Scootaloo snapped back.

"We didn't set the WHOLE forest on fire, just the edge," Applebloom argued.

"Yeah, Rainbow put out that fire in ten seconds flat!" Scootaloo bragged.

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle rolled their eyes in unison.

...

"Well, we're not gonna get anywhere stuck in this tree sap," Sweetie Belle complained.

"Thank you, Sweetie. I didn't notice," Scootaloo snarked.

The three girls sighed in unison. No matter how much they wiggled and pulled, they couldn't free themselves from the tree they' were glued to.

"Why does this keep happening to us?" Applebloom moaned.

"Hey, at least it keeps us from getting injured!" Sweetie smiled.

"What do ya mean?"

"Well, when we tried to get catapulting cutie marks, Applebloom accidentally shot her towards a bunch of jagged rocks in Rambling Rock Ridge."

Scootaloo shuddered from the memory.

"Instead of landing in those rocks, she landed in a pile of tree sap in the middle of the rocks," Sweetie Belle finished.

"Yeah, that was kinda odd. I was stuck there for an hour, and I didn't see a single tree nearby,” Scootaloo added in.

"And then, when Scootaloo was trying to break into Rainbow Dash's h-"

"I was just visiting!"

"She fell off and-"

"Landed in a pile of tree sap," Applebloom finished.

Sweetie Belle huffed. "Is everypony gonna cut me-"

"Girls, are you okay?" a voice called out from a distance.

The fillies turned to see Stupid and gave a cry of joy as he walked out into the clearing.

"Poker!" the three shouted in unison.

"Hey girls!" the doll cheered. "Got yourselves stuck in some tree sap, huh? Also, please call me Stupid."

"Again. No thanks to Scootaloo." Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes.

"Me, why is it my fault?" Scootaloo whined.

"Because yer the one always landing in tree sap! Obviously the only reason we're in here is because you were with us," Applebloom scowled.

"Hey! I-"

"Girls, calm down! What are you even doing in the Everfree so late at night?" Stupid asked, trying to pull the three free from the sap.

"It's a secret! We can't let anypony know!" Scootaloo declared.

"Yeah, but he's in th’ same situation as us," Applebloom reasoned. "Besides, he's not really any 'pony' when yeh think about it."

"Hmmmm..." Scootaloo rubbed her chin with her recently freed hoof.

Scootaloo and Applebloom whispered loudly with each other. Sweetie Belle face hoofed while Stupid pretended not to hear them. Both of them reached an agreement just as Stupid finished getting them free.

The two fillies came to a conclusion, and Applebloom cleared her throat, turning to Stupid. "Seeing as how your situation is similar to ours, we have decided to let you in on our secret."

All three screamed in unison.

"WE'RE TRYING TO GET OUR GHOST CATCHING CUTIE MARKS!"

"WE'RE TRYING TO GET A SOUL FOR OURSELVES!"

"WE'RE TRYING TO GET RAINBOW DASH'S SOUL!"

All three stopped and stared at each other in confusion.

"What?!?" They cried out.

"Okay, so Applebloom wants a soul, Scootaloo wants Rainbow Dash's soul, and Sweetie Belle wants to catch ghosts," Stupid verbally sorted it out in his head. "I can understand Sweetie Belle's and Scootaloo's, but why are you trying to get a soul Applebloom?"

"You can understand those two but not mine?!? What they’re doin’ makes no sense!" Applebloom complained.

"Oh yeah, because getting SOULS makes perfect sense!" Sweetie Belle mocked.

"Hey, how am I crazy?" Scootaloo asked.

"Because yer tryin’ to get Rainbow Dash's soul! Are ya MAD?!? That could kill her!" Applebloom cried.

"Hey, we don't have souls and we're perfectly fine!" Scootaloo reasoned.

"What are you talking about, I have a soul! You two don't?!?" Sweetie Belle started to panic.

"Sweetie Belle, why do you think we came all the way out here?" Applebloom asked.

"When you guys said get souls, I thought you meant ghost hunting!" Sweetie Belle started to cry, "Oh Celestia, my friends don't have souls!"

Stupid sat down and started munching on a bag of popcorn.

"Wait, don't you guys eat other ponies' souls? You two have been eating my soul!" Sweetie Belle backed away from her friends.

"No way! We haven't been eating yer soul. I don't even know what yer soul tastes like!" Applebloom cried out.

"She taste like marshmallows." Stupid flipped the page of a comic book.

"Whatever! Doesn't matter. I'm after Rainbow Dash's soul, not yours! Wait, what does Rainbow taste like?" Scootaloo wondered.

"Skittles."

"Awesome!"

"Scootaloo, ya can't take Rainbow Dash's soul, that'll kill ‘er!" Applebloom repeated.

"Pff! We've been soulless all our lives and we've been just fine."

"She does make a good point!" Stupid chimed in.

"Yeah, you've been okay because you've been EATING MY SOUL!" Sweetie accused.

"Sweetie, I haven't even known ya mah whole life” Applebloom deadpanned. "And Scoots, you're not stealing Rainbow Dash's soul, we were never planning on stealing anypony's soul. We were gonna go to Zecora and see if she could make us a pair of souls!"

"So, I have a question." Stupid raised his hoof. "I don't have a soul, and I'm the one who made you aware living creatures could not have souls. Why didn’t you girls just ask me about getting souls?”

Applebloom and Scootaloo both became still as a statue as they processed that information.

"You two made me come all the way out to the Everfree Forest, to ask Zecora about something she probably doesn't know about, when we had a changeling in town?!?"

"Changeling doll," Stupid absentmindedly corrected, "and I can determine if you have souls of your own with a very simple, very easy test!"

"Ooooo, really?" Scootaloo perked up.

"Okay, so, are you two hungry for souls?" Stupid asked.

"Uhhhh, no?" Applebloom replied.

"Of course not!" Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

"Congrats, you two have souls of your very own!"

Stupid finished off his popcorn as their minds rebooted.

"That's it?" Scootaloo asked.

"That's it!"

"So ah actually do have a soul, and I really did have parents?" Applebloom glanced up at Stupid.

"Yes, you two." Stupid pulled the three into a hug "You really do have souls."

Stupid smiled as the three fillies squeezed him.

"Poker?"

"Yes Dirty?"

"We have another problem."

"What's wrong?"

"Look behind you."

Stupid wiggled his body and turned his head around to see three changelings snarling at him and the crusaders.

"Dirty, explain how you didn't sense three rogue changelings sneaking up on us.

"I apologize sir, they hid their minds well."

Stupid sighed, and chucked the three fillies up into the same tree they were just stuck in. Right as he did this, all three of the changelings charged towards him, their horns lighting up. Stupid turned and grabbed a hoof-full of dirt. He rushed toward the changeling on the right and threw the dirt into his face. Scowling, the changeling closed his eyes and faltered. Stupid tackled him and pinned his forehooves with his own. Using his head, he turned the other changeling's head towards his allies. His horn lit up slightly and set off the spell building up in the changeling he pinned.

"You're fighting a losing battle, Poker!"

"Dirty, send back up now!"

The blast shot towards it's two companions. The changeling in the middle was blasted with a magic beam, knocking it into a tree, unconscious. Snarling, the pinned changeling bit down into Stupid's neck and started tearing away. The changeling on the left had more time to react and dodged. It released it's spell towards Stupid and it's pinned ally. Stupid grit his fangs and spun around so the pinned changeling was facing the blast.

"Get out of there Poker, we'll ambush them as they're chasing you!"

"I have three civilians here Dirty!"

The pinned changeling was hurt by the magic shot, but not unconscious. Unfortunately, Stupid softened the impacted for him by taking the full brunt of the tree himself. Feeling one of his wings bend in a way it really shouldn't have, Stupid grunted in pain as he bucked the changeling off of him. The other changeling had already started to charge another blast as Stupid rose. Measuring the distance between them, Stupid looked behind his assailants and cried out in pain.

"TWILIGHT! THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ARE OVER HERE, HELP!"

Both of the changelings spun around, prepared to face the Alicorn of Magic, only to see... nothing. Turning back, Stupid bucked the one charging a magical blast in the face and knocked him against the tree the Cutie Mark Crusaders were hiding in.

Which made Sweetie Belle fall out of the tree.

"NO!" Stupid screamed.

"Poker, the siblings of the element bearers are not our priority! It's a shame to lose them but take advantage of the distraction and run!

"DIRTY, HELP ME!"

"POKER, RUN!"

The changeling who was once pinned down by Stupid lunged towards Sweetie, while the one knocked against the tree shot straight up towards the other two. Time seemed to slow down as adrenaline pumped through Stupid's veins. He couldn't reach all three of them at the same time. It was either Sweetie, or other two. If one of the two changelings reached them he knew they were going to kill them. He had to make a choice.

“Buck that!” Stupid muttered.

Stupid sprung forward, starting his leap towards the changeling going after Scootaloo and Applebloom. He slammed his right forehoof into the shape shifter which sent him into the large patch of sticky tree sap. Aiming his left forehoof at the changeling going after Sweetie, he focused. He had never tried what he was about to do and he wasn't sure if he could pull it off. Suppressing a scream he cut of his own hoof again with a quick slice of magic, then he teleported it towards the changeling. This wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was getting the hoof to move at 50 miles per hour once it was finished teleporting.

Unfortunately, the hoof did not end up moving at 50 miles per hour, but instead at 38 miles per hour, the intense multitasking of the spell causing Stupid's aim to be off. The hoof slammed into Sweetie Belle's shoulder, making a large, painful sounding ‘pop’ in her shoulder.

Sweetie Belle screamed as Stupid swore. The hit knocked Sweetie Belle out of the way, causing the charging changeling to miss her and slam into the ground. Stupid took advantage of the changeling's confusion and fumbled to rush over. Due to the lack of a left forehoof, He couldn't really position himself to buck. Gritting his fangs, He prepared to do what no changeling infiltrator should ever do with their horn. Grabbing the changeling, Stupid headbutted the other changeling full force in the head. He blacked out for a second as he felt the tip of his horn break off.

When his senses returned, he saw that the changeling in front of him had been knocked out.

Sighing in relief, he limped over to Sweetie Belle. He ignored the pain in his wing as he put Sweetie on his back and picked up his severed hoof. Slowly, he made his way over to the tree.

"Applebloom, Scootaloo, jump down!" Stupid commanded.

Both of the filled jumped down and knocked Stupid over, causing Sweetie to cry in pain.

"I didn't mean at the same time..." Stupid groaned.

"Are you okay Poker?" Applebloom whimpered.

"Yeah, just fine. My name is Stu-"

Stupid rolled over on top of the fillies as he heard a magic beam being fired off. A searing hole was made in his backside. Struggling to get up, he limped over to the snarling changeling stuck in the tree sap, lifted his disconnected hoof, and swung.

THWACK!

Stupid limped away from the unconscious changeling and placed Sweetie Belle back on his back.

"Are you girls okay? Can you trot?" He cooed.

"Y-yeah..." Applebloom sniffed.

Scootaloo quietly nodded her head. Sweetie Belle moaned.

"Okay," Stupid gave them a gentle smile. "Let's go home."

Nursing your stressed owner.

Stupid dropped off Applebloom and Sweetie Belle at each of their respective homes. Normally, he would've taken the time to explain the situation to their sibling's, but he had a much bigger issue to deal with than Applejack and Rarity freaking out.

Twilight waking up and having time to overthink things and panic is much worse.

So it was with that priority Stupid rushed to the Sweet Apple Acres and the Carousel Boutique to drop Applebloom and Sweetie Belle off. Sadly Stupid couldn't really do a good job reattaching his leg and the best pace he could make was a slow limp. Frustrated, he realized that at this point Twilight was probably already awake and had panicked long ago.

His current issue, though, wasn't facing Twilight at home, rather, a stubborn pegasus filly glaring at him.

"Scootaloo, please," Stupid begged. "I'm very tired, and hurt. I know you don't want to be walked home, but it's dangerous to go alone right now. Whatever is bothering you, I promise I won't make fun of it, okay?"

"Heck no, I don't care if Rainbow Dash herself offered, I wouldn't let her walk me home!.. ...Well, maybe I would, but that's a REALLY big maybe! No way Poker, I've walked home alone before, and I can walk home alone now!"

"It's Stupid."

"What?"

"My name, in more ways than one..." Stupid sighed.

Scootaloo huffed and turned her back to Stupid. After a long moment of awkward silence, she peeked back at him. He sat there with his eyes closed, still as stone. If Scootaloo didn't know better she actually think he was a statue. She hadn't got a good look at his body up until now, and winced at how terrible his left forehoof looked. Feeling guilty, she spoke up.

"I guess I can tell you where I live... but you have to pinkie promise you won't tell ANYPONY." Scootaloo demanded.

"Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye," Stupid gently responded.

"A needle? Augh!" Scootaloo shivered.

"Joking," Stupid said in an absentminded tone, starting to do the correct motions. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

Scootaloo nervously looked around her and motioned for Stupid to lean in. He complied.

"Okay, look..." She hesitated. "I'm uh... I might be... I'm live at... an orphanage, okay?"

Scootaloo squirmed as Stupid stayed silent.

"It's not like it's a big deal!" Scootaloo pouted. "I mean, I'm fine! I don't sit around thinking how sad my life is or anything! I just don't like talking about it because-"

"Because it only hurts when you do think about it." Stupid solemnly finished. "Whenever anypony says anything that makes you think of them, you remember the worst moment, the one you regret, the one that scared you, and it hurts. You're just fine otherwise, but talking or thinking about it is… painful."

Scootaloo stood there in shock, staring at Stupid for what felt like minutes. Snapping out of it she opened her mouth to speak, only to close it.

"I know," Stupid whispered, wrapping his wings around Scootaloo, "I know."

Scootaloo hugged him back. She didn't cry, this feeling was familiar enough that it didn't shock her, but it still hurt. The memories playing over and over with fine detail in her head. Trying to banish the thoughts away she squeezed Stupid a little harder.

"I won't tell anypony if you don't tell anypony." Stupid gently smiled.

"Okay..." Scootaloo meekly replied.

Lifting the orange filly onto his back, Stupid started to limp his way to the orphanage.

Right as Twilight awoke, she wish she hadn't. Getting slammed through a mountain by Tirek was mercy compared to how her head felt. Moaning in pain, and regretting the noise made by her moaning, she slowly raised her hooves to massage her aching head. Twilight cracked open her eyes, only to feel Celestia's glorious sun assault her vision akin to loving mother stabbing a knife through her child’s back. Twilight softly cried as she rocked back in forth in bed, giving up on doing anything requiring effort. Any attempt to muster her willpower ended horribly as her head throbbed with skull-splitting misery.

Slowly the events of last night came back to Twilight.

"Because you're worth it."

Twilight blushed, So what? He said I was worth it, it's not like all my other friends don't think I'm worth it. It's not like they all just come to me with their problems and expect me to fix... everything...

"HI? HI?!? I TRUSTED YOU, YOU MONSTER!!! I ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU MIGHT-..."

She groaned, a changeling tried to take Rarity's place, that's another problem she was going to have to-

"I know you don't like me, and you might not be my owner after tonight, but I want to prove that I'm worth something. Please give me a chance."

Stupid sexy- CUTE. Stupid cute stupid doll. Stupid stupid stupid...

“NO, NO! NOPE, I’M DONE! I’M SICK OF THIS MANURE, GIVE ME WHOLE BUCKING BARREL!”

Ohhhhh horse feathers, why did I do that to myself?... At least I know why I have to pee so bad-

“I need some serious snuggles, stat!”

Twilight froze.

“You are like, the cutest little buggy ever.”

Oh no.

“You know, I never had a pegasus take me for a ride before. You wanna take me for my first flight?”

Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no!

“You’re my doll, kiss me.”

NONONONONONONONONONO!!!

“I’m your friend, friends don’t let friends do things they would regret.”

Twilight lowered her head back in relief, she was going to have to apologize to Stupid later for-

“Yes I am! I’m so annoying even my doll whose job is to love me doesn’t want me!”

"NO! No no no... Twilight covered her head with her hooves out of embarrassment. Whyyyy... Why did I have to say those-

“I want you… I want you so badly right now. You’re so funny and smart. You’re so amazing I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Twilight gasped. He didn't.

He did!

That... THAT JERK! I was drunk, and he just made out with... Twilight put a hoof to her lips and blushed. How dare he?!? He just does all those things, and expects to get away with it?!? We haven't even got on a date yet, or done any of the proper procedures! The dating guide for dummies CLEARLY states that after asking a mare out and going on a date, he's suppose to wait two whole days before sending me a message! And then I'm suppose to act like I might be busy while tries to convince me to go on another date!

Twilight paced around her room, her posture low while she growled. She absentmindedly sorted anything that was out of disorder and closed her window. She then went to her closet, pushed the pleasantly quiet stallion out of the way, grabbed an alarm, and closed the door. Then went to her window and tossed the alarm out of it, and closed her window again. Going back to the closet, she opened it up again, grabbed another alarm, put the stallion back inside the closet, and then set her new alarm before leaving her room and heading downstairs.

AND THEN after we go on a second date, then, THEN we kiss! And then we'll kiss again, and again. And then he'll wrap his strong wings around me while he strokes my tail, and I'll lean in and-NO! NO NO NO NO! WHAT AM I THINKING?!?

Twilight slammed her head against the dining room table repeatedly.

STUPID CHANGELINGS WITH THEIR STUPID SHAPESHIFTING AND STUPID EYES AND THEIR STUPID POUT AND their gentle voice and his warm touch and his constant service... Wait, where is my doll anyway? I went to sleep together with...

Twilight's hair and mane burst into flames.

"HE SLEPT WITH ME!!!"

Spike awoke to the sounds of Twilight grumbling as she marched down the stairs. Picking up on the warning signs, Spike groaned as he tried to recall if they had the ingredients to make Twilight's favorite breakfast.

"HE SLEPT WITH ME!!!"

Blinking, Spike slowly put two plus two in his head and then shivered in fear. Checking to see how far of a drop jumping out the window would be, he braced himself and whispered,

"Run Stupid... RUN."

OH CELESTIA, HE SLEPT WITH ME! WHAT ELSE DID WE DO?!? I CAN'T REMEMBER! OH NO! OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO! Twilight panicked. WHAT DID WE DO? WAIT! WHERE DID HE GO?!? HE LEFT ME AFTER HE WAS DONE WITH ME! THAT... THAT BUG... WHEN I SEE HIM AGAIN, I'LL... I'LL!...

"STUUUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIIID!!!

Spike quickened his pace to Sugarcube Corner.

Stupid thanked Faust that he made it back before Twilight awoke. Upon seeing her alarm clock ringing and her not rising from the dead, he found it in his best interest to shut the thing off and let her wake up naturally. It was with that plan he decided to wait in his previous place of residence, her closet, until she woke so he could gauge the situation.

The situation was not promising.

Stupid was an honest changeling. He followed orders and did them well. With that in mind, Stupid came to the simple conclusion that going into battle with three assassin's while trying to keep three fillies alive, was a lot less scary than approaching the mare you like that has a hangover and thinks you took advantage of her.

Stupid briefly wondered what he had done in a past life to deserve this.

With a sigh, he put on his winning smile, and started heading downstairs, prepared to face the music. Upon spotting Twilight, he subtly raised a shield spell around his body expecting the worse. It never came. Her mane was an absolute mess, and slightly burnt. Small patches of her fur was still on fire. Her eyes were bloodshot and twitching, occasionally one of her hooves shook violently. Her chest still had a little alcohol on it from last night. Her wings were completely spread out and stiff, all of her feathers misaligned. Despite looking like a creature out of a horror story, Twilight calmly sat next to a stack of books and intently read the blue one floating in front of her.

The book was upside-down.

Twilight was set to completely ignore him, and she was a little surprised to see Stupid head back upstairs. Before she could get more frustrated that he was ignoring her, he came back with a bucket of hot water, a sponge, and a comb. Laying down next to her, he slowly petted her tail while gently wiping her down with the hot wet sponge.

As much as Twilight wanted to show no reaction to this, getting clean felt wonderful. Sighing in pleasure, she went limp as Stupid scrubbed and combed her body completely clean. He then got up and left the room again.

Curious to what Stupid was planning this time, Twilight waited patiently. He came back with a hot bowl of soup and a cold glass of water. Her body screamed for a drink of the cool, refreshing liquid, but she was determined to not give in. Clamping her mouth shut, she focused intently on her book, that she couldn't read very well for some reason, and ignored his quiet prompts for her to take a drink.

Twilight was ignoring Stupid, but she couldn’t keep her eyes off the glass of water. The sweet nectar of life looked so seductive that really wish she had drunk something before now.

She watched as Stupid rose the cup to his lips and took a slow drink. Frustrated, Twilight was about to complain until she caught the look of challenge in his eyes. Remembering that she was suppose to be ignoring him she looked away.

And then Stupid kissed Twilight.

Twilight mouth opened in shock and felt ice cold water pour into it. Too stunned to respond, Stupid gently pushed her jaw up and closed her mouth with his hoof before pulling his lips away. Not able to resist the screaming need of her body, Twilight swallowed the water, and then was assaulted with another kiss. Every time Stupid took a gulp of water in his mouth, he slowly brought his face to hers, and every time Twilight tried to gently push him away, each push becoming weaker and weaker.

Having emptied the glass, Stupid blew gently on the soup, and held a spoonful out to Twilight. She she turned her head away, her face red with a fierce blush.

Seeing that she was still resisting, Stupid slowly took the spoonful into his mouth, and slowly, ever so slowly, brought his face closer to hers.

She didn't try to stop him this time.

The soup was fed to her the same way the water was. This time, Stupid used his tongue to push the soup in. After halfway through the soup, his tongue lingered for a moment in her mouth. Near the end of the soup, her tongue was lingering in his mouth. After eating the soup, Twilight shyly looked up Stupid, determined to tell him that she was still very, very mad.

She finally noticed how wounded he was.

Twilight gasped. "Stupid, what happened to you?!?"

"I got into a small fight last night," Stupid quietly replied. "Don't worry about it, I'm already feeling better."

"But your horn, a-and your hoof, and… and..." Twilight trailed off, having a horrible realization. "I did this."

"What?"

"I did this to you, last night." Twilight whimpered. "I did this to you!"

"No Twilight, you didn't do this to me." Stupid tried to soothe her.

"Don't lie to me!"

"I’ve never lied to you," Stupid lied, nuzzling her cheek. "Twilight, you did not do this to me, I promise."

"Then, what happened to you?.."

Their conversation was interrupted by a knock at the door. The door opened, and Rarity walked in.

"Twilight, are you home? I was hoping to talk to you about- oh... Oh my!" Rarity grinned.

"What?" Twilight questioned.

Looking at herself, she saw she was leaning against Stupid's chest, with his wings wrapped around her.

"AH!" She shoved Stupid away from herself. "HAHA! SO, um, Rarity.. *cough*.. erm, what can I help you with?"

"Well, I almost fainted after I heard what happened to Sweetie Belle and her friends, but then she told me poor Stupid here not only got hurt saving my sister, but revealed that naaa~sty changeling who impersonated me for what it was, and notified the police to rescue me!"

"Stupid saved Sweetie Belle?”

"Didn't you hear dahling? That fine gentlecolt you were snuggling with saved my sister and the other cutie mark crusaders from three changelings out in the Everfree! Those three were out there trying to get a cutie mark, in the middle of the night! Sweetie still won't tell me what it was they were trying to do..."

"S-So, all this came from… you were..." Twilight turned to look at Stupid.

"I'm fine." He reassured.

Twilight looked away, scuffing her hoof against the floor, feeling guilty.

"WELL, it looks like I'm interrupting a moment here!" Rarity said in a slightly teasing tone. "I was just going to check if dear Stupid was alright, and offer to make him an outfit sometime!"

"I'm fine, and I would love that Ms. Rarity." Stupid smiled at her.

"Splendid! I'll be off, ta-ta dahlings!" Rarity turned and trotted off, leaving Twilight and Stupid in an awkward situation.

Twilight alternated between looking away and back to Stupid before clearing her throat and speaking up.

"Follow me." She quietly said.

Stupid quietly followed her upstairs and into her deluxe bathroom. She turned on the shower and hopped in.

"Get in." She commanded.

Stupid obeyed. Twilight took a sponge off the wall and started to gently scrub Stupid.

"Twilight, you don't have to-"

"Shhh..." Twilight hushed him.

"Really, I'm fine." He insisted.

"Be quiet, that's an order." She said gently.

Obeying his owner, Stupid quietly sat there as Twilight washed him clean, dried him off, and combed his mane and tail. She ordered him to follow her again as she led to her bed.

"Get in." She commanded.

"Twilight-"

"Get in." She repeated.

Stupid calmly climbed onto the bed, Twilight nudged him around until he was under the covers, and tucked him in.

"Stay here," she ordered.

Stupid waited till Twilight came back with a bowl of soup and a glass of water. She held up the glass of water to his face.

"Twilight, I can hold a-"

"Hush," Twilight gently said.

Humoring her, Stupid quietly laid in bed as Twilight held the glass of water up for him and spoon fed him soup. Once she was done, she kissed him on the forehead.

"Sleep, that's an order." Twilight cooed.

"Yes Twilight." Stupid whispered back, smiling.

Stupid closed his eyes and relaxed. There was much to do, but at this moment, his owner ordered him to rest.

And so he slept.

Stupid woke up, feeling better than he had in months. Rising out of Twilight's bed, he left the room and looked for Twilight. She was sleeping peacefully in the guest bed one room over. Smiling, Stupid headed downstairs and started to prepare dinner. Shortly after starting, he heard a knock at the door. Happily trotting up the door, he mentally prepared himself to talk to Applejack, the head of the orphanage, or possibly Rainbow Dash. He opened the door.

He saw Celestia waiting patiently with a smile on her face.

Stupid calmly closed the door and proceeded to have a very controlled, very calm mental breakdown. After a couple slow, deep breaths, he opened the door again.

"Hello! How may I help you?" Stupid cheerfully greeted her.

"Hello, may I speak to a young changeling by the name of Poker Face?" Celestia sweetly replied.

Stupid closed the door and took many more deep breaths. He opened the door and gave her a forced smile.

"I'm sorry, I don't think we have anypony here by that name, could I take a message for you?" He said weakly.

"Oh, I'm very sorry to disturb you then. Do you think you could step outside for a second Mr. Poker?" Celestia replied innocently.

Stupid's eye twitched.

But this is T Rated Story! (Non Canon April Fools Chapter.)

Stupid Doll was relaxing in the lounge room after helping out at Sweet Apple Acres. It was a cozy little den that defied logic by having a fireplace with no chimney, he simply chalked it up to 'magical tree castle' and left it at that. After regaining some of his strength from resting, he rose to go take a shower and wash off the sweat. He stopped when he saw Twilight standing in the doorway staring at him.

"Hey there, I just got back from the farm." Stupid shot a smile toward his sweetheart. "Is there anything I can do for you before I take a shower?"

"Yeah," Twilight cooed as she slowly trotted forward, "Lie back down on that chair."

Stupid frowned as Twilight pushed him back into the chair. Honestly, having sexy times with Twilight wasn't really something he was against. He did like the mare after all, there was just one really big problem when it came to that.

This was a T rated story. He's wasn't allowed to have any hanky panky while the camera was rolling.

Doll sighed, knowing he was going to have to sabotage this and probably end up sleeping on the couch simply because the viewer audience happened to chime in at an inconvenient time.

"Yeeeaaaah..." He groaned like a jock with an IQ of four while Twilight planted kisses along his neck. "Awww yeeeah baby guuurl..."

"Mmmmm?.." Twilight tried to moan sensually, feeling confused.

"Yeah guuuurl..." Stupid leaned in close to whisper in her ear. "Moan like I just gave you a cheeseburger."

Twilight slowly raised her head and stoically stared at Stupid. With a gentle smile, she moaned.

No, not again. Two can play at this game.

"MMMMMmmmm..." She moaned again, "You taste so good..." She said, licking his chest."

"Awwww yeeeaaah," Stupid stupidly said, "I'm about to Mc.Double that pleasure guuuurl..."

Twilight leaned in murmured under her breath, "Make me your clown Burger King..."

Stupid snorted, and pushed Twilight off him as he rolled off the couch, trying is hardest to contain laughter, and failing.

"Are you done?" Twilight said sweetly, "because you're not getting away this time."

"Look, we can't." He said, still chuckling.

"And why's that?"

"Because," he paused, looking at the fourth wall, "we're being watched."

"Watched," Twilight tried to find who he was looking at, "by who?"

"By uh..." Stupid stopped when he eyes landed on the window. "By Rainbow Dash."

Twilight turned and saw Rainbow Dash pressed up against the window, glaring at Twilight.

"Fine then..." Twilight climbed on top of Stupid again. "Let her watch."

"Are you serious?" Stupid glanced at her uneasily, "I can FEEL the hatred rolling off her..."

Stupid then spotted a small orange body hiding in the bushes behind Rainbow. Squinting, he realized it was Scootaloo glaring at him.

He then realized that despite the fact he was probably one of the craziest changelings alive, he was relatively normal compared to the ponies he surrounded himself with. That very thought made him break out in laughter as Twilight tried to kiss him.

"Stupid, I love you dearly," Twilight cooed, sounding like she was reminded herself more than him, "but I am trying to make something work here and you are fighting me every step of the way."

"I know Twilight, I know..." Stupid lovingly whispered as he stroke her mane, "but no matter how hard you try, failure is the only option."

Twilight's smile grew incredibly strained she harshly pressed her nose against his. "... What?"

"Sweetheart, the Creator himself is forbidding our special play time," he said slowly, "no matter how hard you search my dungeon, you're not gonna get my magic missile."

A single hair snapped out of place on Twilight's mane as her eye twitched. "Stupid, my love," she said through gritted teeth, "HUMOR me."

"As you wish," he sighed.

The two proceeded to awkwardly make out. Fortunately for them, the carpet in this room was soft, allowing them to take any position comfortably, and Stupid actually wanted this as badly as Twilight. The two started rolling around the room as they playfully fought for dominance.

Unfortunately for them, they rolled right into the magical fireplace.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The two screamed as they tried to put themselves out.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rainbow and Scootaloo screamed as they pounded against the magically reenforced window.

"I heard a scream, is everythi-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spike screamed as he started uncontrollably spewing fire out of panic.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Everypony, changeling, and dragon screamed as the room went up in flames.

Such is life in Ponyville when you live in a fanfic with the comedy and gore tags.

Author's Note

Made last minute, expect typos and errors.

Breakfast in Bed~! (Non Canon Christmas Chapter)

Dear Poker,

Happy Hearth and Hooves day! How are you holding up? I heard it's been difficult on your end. I can't send a gift, but I want you to know I've been thinking about you and Quick Wit a lot recently. I made a friend over on my end. His name is Damascus Steel. He has sharp tongue like Quick, but his heart is made of gold.

I know you love to work hard, but even back at home you're always been a bit of a recluse. You're living in Ponyville right now! You're even housing with the Princess of Friendship. It's the time of year famous for connecting with others. Even if it's just for the day, you must simply let down your guard a little and make some friends~!

With love,

White.

Sup Loser,

Happy Holidays buddy! Did I ever mention how much I love games? Turns out Luna does too. She was named the Queen of Games for her cunning and haughty attitude when competing against others. They apparently even built a pyramid full of hieroglyphs showing off how good she was thousands of years ago. Playing against her is super fun, but she gets a little Nightmare Moon-ey whenever we do. The first time we played something, she would keep yelling out 'your move!' over and over. It wasn't even a turn based game. Still, from what I heard, she's nowhere near as crazy as Twilight is. Try not to get anymore injuries rough housing with your Marefriend, eh?

Cheers,

Quick.

Your Highness,

Happy Holidays, and I'm glad to hear you managed to make a friend out in the Crystal Empire. You're the kind of changeling who gets very antsy when you haven't had company for a while. Probably why you love to rally us, your Majesty. I hope you and Damascus end up staying friends even after this is all over. If there's anything I've learned from staying out here in Ponyville, it's that actions speak louder than words. I'm now able to walk around undisguised and all of the town folk act hospitable towards me at the very least. If you respond to aggression with patience and kindness, they can only stay mad at you for so long. Stay strong, I believe in you, not as a subject, but as a friend.

Take care of yourself,

Poker Face.

Dear Idiot,

A very merry Hearth and Hooves day to you too. I can't say I'm surprised your letter only consists of 'games are fun.' Now please stop driving Luna and Celestia nuts. Before you ask how I know, it's you Quick Wit, I know you're doing everything in your power to be a pain in their side while doing your job. (Then again, I've been driving Twilight nuts too.) It's nice to hear you're getting along with Luna though. I know there's technically no such thing as luck when it comes to you, but try not to push your weight around too much out there.

Be careful, we love you.

The stupid doll.

Poker smiled as he finished writing his responses. He handed his letters to the mail carrier and thanked the changeling. When he woke up he didn't know if his friends had time to send letters, but he snuck out before the sun rose and got in contact with Dirty just to make sure.

On his walk back, dragon fire rushed his way and dropped a letter right in front of him. Confused, Poker bent over and picked it up.

Stupid, I had to head out and buy a few last minute gifts. I want serve breakfast in bed so when you wake up and read this, feel free to sleep in~

Ever since that one incident, Poker, or rather Stupid, accidentally gave Twilight a thing for feeding each other with their mouths.

Oh, I also booby trapped the room to hell and back because I'm 27% sure that Rainbow Dash might try to 'borrow' you without permission today. So don't leave your room.

Be right back~

Twilight.

Uh oh.

Stupid felt the wise thing to do would be to just wait downstairs, make breakfast, and apologize to his marefriend. Say he woke up early and decided to make breakfast for her, and didn't get her note in time.

But he really wanted that breakfast in bed. His first Hearth Warming Eve with Twilight and she was trying to be loving towards him. He knew it was more He wanted this to work. He wanted this to be special. And so it shall.

Rainbow was her friend, really, how bad could those booby traps be?

As Stupid quietly laid on the floor of the labyrinth covered in his own blood, he stopped and tried to recall what just happened in the last 40 seconds.

He tapped the door from 15 feet away.

He opened it with magic from the same distance, under cover.

The whole entire hallway floor went out from under him.

He proceeded to bounce off spiked walls for about... 10 seconds.

He had about 50 arrows shot at him, which about 14 hit him. 14 seconds passed too.

A bunch of screaming lions, tigers, and bears. They didn't really hurt him but it was a tad unnerving.

A bunch of pigeons that landed and pooped on him as he fell, not really dangerous, but definitely rude.

And then a large pit of lava at the bottom

Stupid blinked as he realized he wasn't burning to death.

"Hey!" Rainbow smiled at him.

Oh.

"Hi Rainbow," Stupid replied, "I don't know how you're not getting second degree burns, but thanks for saving my life."

"Sitting lava isn't as bad as moving lava."

"Oh, really?"

"As a weather manager, I have to know this stuff. The Everfree Forest shoots out some weird stuff sometimes." Rainbow puffed out her chest.

"Ah."

...

"So how ya holding up?" Rainbow asked.

"I'm burning and bleeding to death."

"Oh."

...

“Well…” Rainbow yawned and put her foreleg over Stupid’s back. “Looks like it’s just you and me here at the moment.”

“Rainbow, I'm dying.”

“Well with that attitude, sure.”

Stupid sighed.

“Is there any hot metal nearby?” Stupid asked.

“No, why?”

“I was hoping to burn my wounds shut.”

“Ew, that’s kinda a turn off.”

Stupid slowly turned to look at Rainbow.

“Rainbow, please.”

“I’m trying to make something work here, but geez, fine…”

Rainbow pulled a first aid kit out of a bag she was carrying and started to bandage the changeling.

“You had that the whole time.” Stupid didn’t ask, but stated.

“Well duh, Twilight always pulls this kinda crap every year. She hates it when I try to sneak in and steal my Hearth’s Warming Eve present early.”

For once, Stupid was completely lost for words.

“She must be in a great mood.” Rainbow smiled. “This year is nowhere near as bad as last year.”

“She does this every year.”

“All the time! I think she just likes expanding the labyrinth. It’s super fun to try and escape too!”

“What if Spike fell down here?”

“Some magic mumbo jumbo that checks for dragons teleports him back to his bed if he accidently falls in. I dunno, I wasn’t really paying attention when she said it. She almost mentioned something about a safety word if I got too hurt, but who needs that, right?”

Never before has Stupid wanted to kill somepony.

“Alright then,” Stupid took a deep breath, “You know how to get out of here then?”

“Nah, I just find my way out every year by being awesome!”

“Great.” Stupid shakily stood up. "Well, I really need to get back into my bedroom before Twilight gets back. Can you help me out please?”

“Don’t worry Stupid!”

Rainbow pulled him into a side hug, reopening the wounds he just managed to close with love magic.

“I can get us out of here in ten seconds flat!”

~One hour later~

“Hey! We found the pitfall trap room again!”

Stupid resisted the urge to scream.

“Man, if only we could climb back up…” Rainbow rubbed her chin with her hoof.

“Can’t you fly back up?” Stupid looked back at his injured wings.

“That’s not how Daring Do would do it!”

Internal screaming.

“Rainbow, what would I have to give you besides myself to get you to carry me back up through that pitfall trap?”

“What? Nothing, why didn’t you ask?”

Stupid started to shake.

“Rainbow.” He said with a smile.

Barely.

“Please carry me back up that pitfall trap.”

“You got it!” She saluted him.

Rainbow Dash hovered over Stupid and grabbed his torso, right where his chest wound was.

“Hey, you’re pretty light! Alright, let’s blow this joint!

“I would appreciate it if you’d go a little slow since I’m really hur-”

Rainbow Dash blasted off upwards.

The two twisted back and forth, weaving and bobbing past arrows and apparently now javelins too. Rainbow smirked as none of them came close to hitting her.

Same could not be said for Stupid.

The roaring Lions, Tigers, and Bears proceeded to try and divebomb them.

“Woah!” Rainbow Dash freaked out.

Quickly, she flew back and flattened herself against the walls, spreading her hooves wide. All the ferocious animals missed her completely.

“Ha! Did you see… that…”

Rainbow Dash looked down to see Stupid falling to his death.

“Uh oh.”

Right before Stupid hit the pool of lava, Rainbow Dash caught him and swerved back upwards.

“You okay buddy?”

“Three more arrows are embedded into my side and I have a javelin in my hind leg.”

“Yeah you’ll be fine.”

Rainbow Dash quickened her pace, once again dodging the arrows, javelins, and pigeons.

“Hey Rainbow.”

“Yeah Stupid?”

“What’s that ticking noise?”

“Oh yeah! I forgot about the time bombs she lines the walls with sometimes!”

…

“Rainbow.”

“Yeah?”

“Please fly faster.”

“But Daring always makes it out with only a second to spare!”

“Rainbow, I applaud how well you managed to stay alive with that mindset, but I am only a changeling.”

…

“Doll.” he added. “Please, for the love of all that’s holy, please go faster.”

“Pff, fine, worrywart. Really, you need to kick back and relax. What’s the wor-”

KABOOM!!!

Twilight trotted into her castle with a smile. She followed her schedule to a T, which gave her plenty of time to get presents for her friends. Stupid wasn’t on the list though, and it wouldn’t do not to have a present for her coltfriend.

After making pancakes and hot chocolate, Twilight trotted happily upstairs with a hearty breakfast on a tray. She stopped and chuckled when she saw the pit trap open in the hallway.

“Oh Rainbow… Every year~” She shook her head.

Pushing an inconspicuous part of wall with her magic, the trap door closed and the hallway turned back to normal.

“I don’t know how that gets her every year, she can fly.” Twilight sighed.

Twilight threw open the door into Stupid’s room.

“Who wants breakfast in… bed…”

Twilight dropped the plate when she saw a passed out Rainbow on top of Stupid in his bed. Stupid slowly turned his bloody head towards her.

“I don’t know what this looks like, but it’s probably not what you think. Also, one of your javelins knocked out my hind leg. It didn’t come with when I teleported. Could you possibly get for me?”

Twilight’s eye twitched.

Author's Note

Pick here! Did you know there's a side story starring White Lie? It starts out pretty serious, but I think it's super cool. It's also canon to the Changeling Doll, so go give it a looksee!

Happy Holidays y'all!

Obliging your Motherly Owner.

"Oh, I'm very sorry to disturb you then. Do you think you could step outside for a second Mr. Poker?" Celestia asked innocently.

Stupid shook his head to clear it. It felt as if he'd spaced out for almost two years.

"Of course your majesty," he responded, "if I may take care of something first-"

"Celestia!" Twilight called out from behind him.

Stupid couldn't help but feel as if this was the equivalent of being brought to meet Twilight's mother, which then made him wonder how showing Twilight to his parents would play out. He sincerely hoped his mother wouldn't do that thing she does where she transforms into whoever Stupid brought home with him at the time and then makes out with his father-

"-I don't know why he's giving you trouble but I can fix this! Hey Stupid!" Twilight smiled at him.

Stupid scolded himself for allowing himself to get distracted here and now at all times. "Yes Twilight?" He smiled back.

"Enter registration mode," Twilight pronounced both slow and clear.

Oh dear.

Stupid reverted to his changeling form. "If you wish to register another pony as an owner, please tell me 'Enter new owner.' If you wish to remove an owner, please boop my nose and wait for a live operator-"

"Enter new owner."

"Hello and enjoy your shared experience with the Changeling Doll!" Stupid started up the sales pitch he memorized by heart. "The Changeling Doll is the highest, most advanced piece of technology straight from the brilliant minds of Canterlot University! Never before has such a life-like magical golem been made! The Changeling can talk, debate-"

Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes. "Am I going to have to sit through this every time I want to register somepony new?"

Twilight couldn't help but smile as Celestia giggled at Stupid's sale pitch. "I choose to make him into my friend, but I uh, I might change that role soon." Twilight faintly blushed.

"Oh?" Celestia glanced at Twilight.

"I'll take care of that later, what are you going to choose?"

Celestia hummed to herself.

"-forever? Want a servant, to tend to your every whim? The Changeling doll does it all! Soon, you'll be wondering how you managed to live without one! The magical journey all starts right now! Please have the new owner tell the Changeling Doll their full name." Stupid finished his speech.

"Sticky Hooves." Celestia pronounced clearly.

"Sticky Hooves?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"'Sticky, Hoosticky, Hooves.' Is this correct?" Stupid didn't miss a beat.

"Yes." And neither did Celestia.

"Thank you, Sticky Hoosticky Hooves. If you wish to register another pony as an owner, please tell me 'Enter new owner.' after we finish the registration process. Sticky Hoosticky Hooves, please pick an objective for me. What am I intended for-"

"Lover." Celestia gently smiled.

For once, Stupid sat there with a blank look on his face while his conversation partner looked serene.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't understand what you were saying. Could you repeat that Sticky Hoosticky Hooves?" Stupid forced himself to say.

"Certainly dear, you are intended to be my romantic partner; my lover."

"Okay Sticky Hoosticky Hooves, I will be-"

"WWWWWWHAT!" Twilight screeched.

Celestia tilted her head slightly. "Was that not alri-"

Twilight cut off Celestia, "wait, why a lover! You're Princess Celestia, you could have anypony! Why not..." and then froze when she realized she cut off Celestia.

"But not anyling." Celestia winked.

Twilight's mouth hung open.

"I have various minds and personalities poured into me, but I would like to get to know you Sticky Hoosticky Hooves. Please connect your forehead to my horn. If you are a unicorn, please connect your horn to mine."

For a few horrifying seconds, Stupid watched with a smile as the Alicorn of the Sun slowly connected her horn to his. An extremely scratchy mental image was pushed into his head. It looked like a messy crayon drawing of a small, wily-looking Celestia slapping a mentally challenged changeling's back with her hoof. Another image was sent of Stupid and Celestia giggling while Twilight sat there yelling and freaking out about improper behavior.

Stupid's smile became genuine.

He sent back a picture of similar quality and perfection to Celestia, of both of them slapping each other's faces with their tongues on top of the Friendship Table. Both of them shot a feeling of childish, bubbly laughter at each other. Celestia sent him an image of the both of them throwing food at each other at the gala in Canterlot. Both of them internally clapped their hooves in delight. Then Stupid's mind lost its mirth and sent an image of Stupid and Celestia's tails entwining with each other, with a heavy focus on a sad and hurt Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia blinked.

A feeling of pride and warmth flooded Stupid's mind, along with the notion of acknowledging a concern. She followed that with an image of Stupid changing into a butler, and putting hot sauce in Luna's coffee. This continued for ten whole minutes as the two sat in perfect, stoic silence and Stupid treasured every second of it.

Twilight Sparkle watched the two sit there for a full ten minutes. Each second making her lose more of her mind. Is Celestia really letting him into her head with no protection? Surely she would discreetly put something up to keep her mind safe. Three or four scanning spells showed that, no, Celestia had her defenses completely down. Concerned as Twilight was for Celestia, she oddly enough found herself concerned for Stupid too. She wasn't sure why, Celestia wasn't any danger, but something about the situation felt strange to her.

Well, stranger than usual.

Twilight tried to think of something else.

Do I really want to date something that can have all its affection and memories of me wiped away at a single command? Twilight asked herself.

Twilight tried to think of something more positive.

...On the other hoof, nopony's complaining, and he IS really ho-

Twilight mentally swatted her shoulder devil away. She'll tackle that one later. At the moment, she would give anything to know what was going on her changeling doll and ex-mentor's head.

On the contrary, she got drunk and tried to push herself on me, Stupid replied.

Celestia mentally hummed, Twilight doesn't drink.

She does now.

If Twilight knew one thing for sure, it's that Celestia would always put the best intentions of the ponies around her first. With that, she took in a deep breath, raised her hoof to her chest, and exhaled while pushing the problem away.

Call her smart? Isn't that a little simple? He raised a mental eyebrow.

Mares love it when stallions compliment them on their intelligence or creativity after they succeed in something, especially mares like Twilight who have self confidence issues over their decision making skills, Celestia mentally shrugged.

It had been almost fifteen minutes, and Twilight wasn't sure she could take anymore of-

"A'ight Hoosticky," a somewhat slow and sleepy voice came out of Stupid, "I'mma bit tuckered out, but I think I got everything. Thank you for adopting me Mom."

"Wait, mom!?" Twilight yelled.

"Goodness Twilight, are you alright?" Celestia giggled.

"Fine? Fine?! Yes, I'm fine!" Twilight's eye twitched. "Of course you're fine- He's fine- I'M FINE!

"We're all fine for ice-cream," Stupid murmured just loud enough for Celestia to hear.

Celestia resisted biting her lip.

"I just would just like to know," Twilight settled herself down, "why did he become your child when you picked lover?"

"Very simple Twilight, I own a Changeling Doll myself and this is a bug they have yet to fix." Celestia shamelessly lied.

"Wait, really?"

"Of course, now, in certain steps of setting a changeling doll up, if what you ask for doesn't match what you want it will mess up information and roles."

"Oh, that's why he became sexy as hell!" Twilight blurted out without thinking.

The silence was so thick you could smother three small crusading children with it.

"Twilight, are you trying to sexually take advantage of my son?" Celestia scolded her.

Stupid transformed into a small, black earth pony colt with both dark blue mane and eyes. "Mom, I'm scared!"

"I, wuh, buh, uuuaahhh..." Twilight's brain shut down.

"Well, this is no proper household to raise a young colt." Celestia gently tsked. "Come along sweetheart, Mommy just talked to your cousin Blueblood for two hours straight."

"So we're going to the fair and pretending Canterlot doesn't exist for a couple of hours?" Stupid guessed.

"That's right! You have a nice day Twilight."

Twilight numbly watched Celestia teleport herself and Stupid away.

"...WHAT!?!"

When Stupid's vision cleared, he found himself... at a fair.

"Really?" Stupid raised an eyebrow.

"I just talked to Blueblood for two hours straight." Celestia repeated, sounding far more tired.

"How bad was it?" Stupid looked around at the attractions.

"The Blueblood Manor was very close to becoming the Redblood Manor."

Stupid nodded in understanding.

"Princess Celestia, if we may be serious for a moment, what's going to happen to me?" Stupid asked.

"Well, what would you like to have happen to you?" Celestia asked.

Stupid felt a small magical wave wash over him. "In relation to Twilight? She gets hits by a curse turning her into a changeling queen, makes me her royal consort, and forms a new hive with our children."

The nearby crowd stopped and turned to stare at the small colt.

"Well," the corner of Celestia's mouth twitched, "perhaps not the best location or question to use a truth speaking spell."

"I'm quietly panicking here, changelings in general don't like it when they're forced to be honest, it makes them aggressive usually. Please turn it off, please turn it off, please-"

Celestia unlit her horn.

"Thank you." Stupid nodded.

"Do you love Twilight?" Celestia stared him in the eyes.

"I don't think anypony or anyling can claim they deeply love someone they just met," Stupid answered honestly, "but I'm definitely infatuated with her."

Celestia giggled at this.

"Well, I already made my way around town and heard what others had to say about you. You hold a special place in three little fillies' heart, my little changeling."

Stupid let out a sigh of relief as Celestia rubbed his head and pulled him in close for a hug. He heard a faint scribbling noise, followed by a flash of light going off behind him.

"Although I do wonder what Twilight will think about that letter I just sent to her room." Celestia whispered mischievously.

Stupid let out a sigh of frustration.

Author's Note

Stupid shook his head to clear it. It felt as if he'd spaced out for almost two years.

"Hey, are you okay?" A hoof waved in front of his face.

Stupid tried to gather his thoughts. "Yeah, thanks for asking."

"Stupid, are you sure you're alright?" the mare asked.

"I'm sorry, have we met?"

"What are you talking about Stupid?" The Unicorn smiled. "It's me, Starlight Glimmer!"

Stupid frowned. "Who?"

"You know, Princess Twilight Sparkle's friendship student? Ever since I kinda almost destroyed Equestria from getting too excited? I've lived in the castle with you, Spike, and Twilight for the past year or so?"

Stupid blinked.

"So, you're a neurotic purple mare living with a neurotic purple mare, Spike, and me?"

"Yeah, I guess?" Starlight shuffled her hooves.

"Really now?" Stupid shot bedroom eyes at Starlight as he slid up next to her.

"O- oh, uhhh, uh oh..." Starlight squeaked.

Lecturing me over grammar mistakes is encouraged.

Happy Holidays~!