The Standard and Normal Human: Three : Me, Myself And the Elements

The Standard and Normal Human Three

1

Magic… This is how it all started, from that first encounter with Trixie to my escape from the Griffon Empire. I’ve mentioned it before but I’m going to re illiterate it, I do not like magic. Yeah I know, not this again. But there’s some reasoning to it, you see humans don’t have shortcuts. We have to create and adapt to survive, we don’t have any special abilities unless we work for them. Understanding plumbing for example, something most wouldn’t understand without years of hard work.

In ‘Their’ world, they are born and eventually know what it is they are supposed to do with themselves. I am of course referring to the cutie marks, but us? No… That would be too easy… How the hell am I supposed to know what I’m supposed to do with my life? Wishing? Ha… I have no compass, no guide, nothing, nada, bub-cus.

And what about wishing for magic? As a child you can only imagine the wonders of the real world, only to have them decimated by learning about what actually goes on… War, poverty, third world problems, the list goes on.

That happened to me, I just stopped believing in the possibility of such a thing. Can you blame me? It only angered me more when ‘Magicians’ started doing all this so called ‘Magic’. Instead of doing that, why not do something that helps others? But no… It’s just for their personal gain… and apparently it’s entertaining…

So how would I react when I met the bearers of the elements for the first time? You can already tell where this is going… 6 months had passed and the TV animated series was getting interesting. The biggest shocker was when Discord renounced his wicked ways, I saw that and said to myself, ‘Ha, yeah right’ … Yeah well I was wrong… And then one day, he apparently he needed my help…

It was a Friday, I had just got back home from work and my two week holiday had just begun. I locked the door, threw my backpack to the ground and limped to the shower. I think I might have mentioned this before but working in a bakery in the summer is horrible, when you start sticking to your own clothes it’s just not natural. I didn’t do much that night, I cracked open a bottle of Cider, turned my computer on and spent the whole time watching YouTube. Several hours later I turned it off and went to sleep, the following morning however is where this story picks up…

It was 7am, I was wide awake as usual. I hate lying in bed for too long, I get bored doing nothing for longer than 5 minutes. So I got up and got dressed… Then the doorbell rang…

I opened the door and it was Frank the milk man, except he wasn’t dressed as he normally was. However this wasn’t the thing I was concerned about…

I looked at him wearing his full white suit and holding a white trilby, the peak of classiness. I asked him one question and one question only, “… No milk?”

“What?” He replied, kind of shocked to be honest.

“My milk, for my cereal… Did you forget it?” Seriously, what milkman forgets the milk? “Dude, you’re doing your job wrong”

“Well no- Just, shut up and listen to me” He started, interrupting himself in the process.

I however was too tired for this, so I shut the door in his face. What? I was looking forward to my cereal, I need milk for that… But when I turned around… He was standing right in front of me…

“Will you just listen to me! I never realised you were this dense before” He replied, but his voice had changed dramatically.

In my mind those cogs started turning, white suit, classy hat, chaotic voice, evil goatee, the fact that he appeared in my house when I shut the door in his face.

“… No way” I was gobsmacked, and if you’ve never heard that expression before I suggest you look it up. “Discord?”

“There we go!” He yelled back at me, “The finally horse has crossed the line, for that you get a prize!” He clicked his fingers and I heard a pop, at first I thought nothing of it but then he gestured to me to look up. And of course as I did I got milk poured onto my head, two litres worth.

This wasn’t the kind of morning I was expecting, “… I’m going to have to clean that up you know” I walked past him into the airing cupboard, grabbed several towels and started drying the floor. “Stop messing with me, seriously… There is a world full of humans but you choose to annoy me, do me a favour and just leave me be”

Discord looked disappointed, “You aren’t even going to ask how long I’ve been doing this? Really?!”

“I don’t care…” I really didn’t, so what if he was watching over me for months without me ever knowing… wait… that’s pretty creepy actually.

“Pff, typical Nick…” He started, and then he decided to walk around my house. “It’s the Other you that would have been interested”

Bam, right there. Now that? That peaked my interest.

I stopped drying the floor and slowly turned to face him, “What the heck are you talking about?” I asked outright, “Have you gone senile?”

“It’s my fault actually, I created him without thinking…” Discord informed me, still giving me vague details. “I thought it would be fun at first, but I can’t get rid of him…”

“Dude, stop” I said whilst flailing my arms around in a frenzy, the towels went everywhere. “What are you talking about?!”

“Apparently I need you to help me, he’s such a noisy child…” Discord was still probing me to say it, finally I caved in… for the third time…

“Just tell me already!” I yelled back, “If I help you, will you stop messing with me!?”

“Mess with you?” Discord jested, “Now why would I do that?”

With another click that milk was gone, like it was never even there. Too bad for the phone in my pocked, I checked it and it was busted.

“Sorry by the way, I can’t fix things, but perhaps there’s someone who can…” And with that a smirk appeared, even though he looked human it was the same one I remember. “C’mon, grab what you need”

I stood there, unable to believe anything anymore. I just wanted a quiet two weeks of nothing, just lazing around at home and doing what I wanted. Instead I had yet another thing to do, this time however I had a choice… Well not much of one really…

I collected a few things, I didn’t have to worry about the usual week deadline because now I had two. So I grabbed some food, no meat mind you. Do you have any idea how awkward that would be? To have to explain to Ponies that we humans eat meat, and that at one point we were eating horse meat without even knowing? Ha, the Findus Horsemeat scandal, google that and understand what the hell I’m talking about.

I took some fruit, a few cans of beans, and a fork to eat them. Clothes, sleeping bag, I took a lot of things. I felt the need to, especially because of last time. Discord was tapping his foot, he actually looked concerned. Which was a change, usually he looked like he didn’t care about anything.

“Ok, I’m ready” I told him, with a backpack on my back and even some cycling gloves for some form of protection for my hands.

Oh yeah, I decided to go with my usual clothes because why not. Black trainers, grey jeans and black shirt with my good old fashioned red tie. Plus my green beanie, or as I call it, ‘Old Reliable’.

“Well you like to take your time don’t you?” Discord snapped at me, and then he actually snapped his fingers and a Portal portal appeared. No, I didn’t accidentally repeat a word I mean the portal from Portal. The game, because that’s what it was like. On the wall yet leads somewhere, freaking weird. Only difference is that you couldn’t see the other side, so perhaps it’s Not a Portal portal… ah sod it…

I carefully stepped through, the hairs at the back of my neck were on end… whatever that means. Unfortunately however, things went from bad to worse really quick.

Upon exiting the portal, I found myself in a jail… again.

“W-what?!” I yelled, I was tricked. “Discord! Come out so I can clobber you!”

Alas slowly he appeared around the corner, on the outside of the jail. He wasn’t human anymore, he was Discord the draconequus, TV villain and official pain in my side

“I’m sorry, this is just part of the plan” He told me… I was Livid.

“Plan!? Are you kidding me?!” I barked back, “Why am I the one that’s in jail!?”

“Look, I know ‘You’re’ the ‘Real’ Nick, but everyone else is still sceptical about my… Change of heart” He started, I waited as patiently as I could. “So I need to prove that you are not the one causing havoc”

“By putting me in a jail?” I asked sarcastically.

“Yes, by putting you in jail” then he turned around and walked away, leaving me in a jail cell… again…

I don’t get the idea why every time I went to that world I always found myself in a jail, bad luck I guess? Whatever, I pulled my phone out to check if I had a signal and bam, forgot it was busted. Now that really did tick me off, he pushed me into this situation and left me with no entertainment. So instead I decided to look around, and actually I was pleasantly surprised.

White marble bricks for the wall, marble tiles for the ground. The bars looked like they were tinted with a light blue, they had the whole paragon thing going. I even had my own window… With bars. However, guess where I was?

Freaking Canterlot, the capital location of this land. Well I think so anyway, Pegasus’s guards were patrolling the area, one even gave me stink eye. I hadn’t done anything wrong, well to my knowledge at least. I couldn’t see very clearly when it came to ground level, I saw specs everywhere and assumed they were ponies shopping or whatever it is they do in Canterlot.

After an hour of waiting I was greeted by a guard on the other side of the bars, nothing special just a stock pony you’d see in the background. He opened the gate and gave me very basic and plain instructions whilst maintaining the face that said, ‘I still don’t trust you, but orders are orders’. “Follow me prisoner”

“Kay” I replied casually, by this point I was on the floor. But after he so plainly asked me to follow I got up and did just that. We started walking past the cell’s and into the palace I believe, I was bored so…

“Don’t suppose you know what’s going on do you?” I didn’t get a response, so I continued merrily. It’s a calming technique of mine, one of my favourites actually. I use it in situations where I should be angry or upset, try it sometime, it’ll work wonders. “I mean I didn’t even get to have breakfast before I was sent here and put in a cell, seriously dude it’s just rude”

“Be quiet” He replied back, so moody…

“I know right, I like oat and fruits myself” I carried on, pretending what he said filled in the blanks.

“I said be quiet” He replied again, with a tad more aggression.

“But if you do that the syrup will go everywhere!” I jested, finally I think I hit a nerve somewhere.

He stopped dead, turned to face me and started walking towards me to intimidate. “What is wrong with you?!” Bear in mind folks this earth pony wasn’t even that big, well 4 foot 5. Up to my chest but meh, he wasn’t threatening, just loud.

“You tell me, why the hostility brah?” I asked, well kind of. I never did remember not to use human terminology. “I just got here, I feel like I’m being poked repeatedly with an imaginary stick for no reason”

There was a pause, a long pause. I’m not even sure he knew why he was acting like he was, “You need to take this seriously!” He yelled, “Outside of Canterlot they say you’re a menace!”

“Let me guess, that ‘Other me’ right?” I asked, he nodded. “Right, I still don’t know what the heck that means”

“Which is why you need to shut up and follow me” And so I did…

Paintings, shiny surfaces, it’s hard to explain what it’s like inside that palace/castle thing. I don’t know what it’s called, it’s huge anyway. Eventually we came to the throne room after about 10 minutes of walking, it felt like forever. Upon entering I could clearly see Celestia, and beside her was Discord.

I was still mad, so… “You!” I barked and attempted to confront him face to face, but more guards showed up to stop me, so I couldn’t. “You put me into another jail you jerk! I’m getting sick to death of seeing metal bars!”

“That may be so, but at least she knows you Are the real Nick” He stated, I was getting pretty tired of hearing that.

“Dude, you came to ‘My’ world to take me back to ‘This’ world where the quote unquote ‘Other me’ is hanging around anyway?” I said that and made the gesture with my fingers.

“We needed to be certain that you and him were not the same” Celestia graciously answered, “I am sorry we have upset or inconvenienced you…” She then bowed her head for forgiveness, which was just cruel.

How was I supposed to stay mad after that? I wasn’t, I started with a sigh, “Its fine I get it, really it makes sense the way you did it.. But you could have just asked”

“See? I told you he’s forgive us” Discord said with a smirk, he knew I was still mad.

The guards backed off and returned to their positions on the surrounding walls of the throne room, then Celestia raised her head before she started to talk, “We need to find out what kind of abilities he has, and whether or not the Elements of Harmony will work against him”

“Right, those shiny jewel things with the magic in them” I jested, simplifying it because explaining what they actually were felt kind of ridiculous… “So, what’s the plan?”

Celestia looked towards Discord, then back to me. “We’re sending you to assemble the bearers of the elements, the one you need to find first is a student of mine, could you do that for us?”

Wow!? Really?! I get to meet the mane 6? Well hot damn!

Is what most would say, I had literally nothing in common with ANY of them…

“… uh… why hasn’t someone else done this already?” I asked in confusion, I was trying to get out of having to do it. Like when your parents want you to do the dishes but you can’t! Monster Hunter doesn’t have a pause feature! JUST GIVE ME FIVE MORE MINUTES!!!

… Uh, sorry about that…

“Isn’t it obvious? You are the problem here, so You need to fix Your mistake!” Discord decided to add, it also made no sense.

“Excuse me?” I retaliated, “I’m not the power hungry Lord of Chaos who decided to Clone Me!”

“Ah, details details…” he wasn’t taking it seriously now… “Now, off you go!”

Celestia looked like she was going to say something else but never got the chance, with yet another click of his fingers… claws… you get what I mean. Well when he did that a portal opened up below me… the jerk.

I didn’t even get a chance to react, all I remember is falling back first into the dirt ground. It never really occurred to me what I was supposed to do, but it didn’t matter. First things first, I needed to figure out where I was. But as I slowly came to terms with where I was, I noticed something bizarre, the lack of sound.

I mean I was just outside of Ponyville, a happy place where song and dance can happen spontaneously. Never understood why… Anyway, there must have been a reason why there was no one in sight… I mean pony… whatever…

Dragging myself up from the ground I patted my back and backside to get the dust off of me, did a slow 360 degrees turn to see exactly where I was, and then something became apparent.

The show is animated in 2d, but this wasn’t a cartoon. It was as colourful as you’d expect, but it was larger than it was made out to be. All I knew at the time was that I was in the park, quite close to this was the Carousel Boutique. Something that I didn’t want to go to immediately, the Queen of fashion would have had my head.

So quietly I made my way through the silent park and past the Boutique right beside the river, before I knew it I was at the town hall. I could see the Fountain, a spiral tower in the distance…

Yet still no one was around… Ugh, I meant pony!

However it didn’t mean anyone- I mean pony was home. I felt like I was being watched, this made me paranoid. At one point I thought I heard a gasp from somewhere but I figured it was nothing, it wasn’t just a normal gasp either. It was the kind that required lungs that were both made of steel and were oversized… guess who…

Ignoring it, I soldiered onwards. Past the fountain, a few market stalls, took a wrong turn and after walking past several homes I ended up at the old folk’s home.

It was hopeless, “How am I supposed to find a tree house in this place?” I asked myself, sighing I took my hand and face palmed. “Didn’t even give me a map…”

“It looks as if you’re in a bit of a bind, tell me what is that you are trying to find” a wise female voice said behind me, I turned and could see a pony wearing a strange coat covering her face.

I was shocked, I mean I knew who it was but I figured that whole rhyming thing was a joke.

“Oh! Uh…” I paused, it never occurred to me that Twilight might actually be waiting for me. I mean it was Celestia’s student after all, before she was an Alicorn mind you. “I was sent here by Celestia and Discord, I guess I’m looking for Celestia’s student?”

“Ah, if it is the Student of Celestia you wish to see, look no further, she’s inside ‘That’ tree” Pointing as she said it, actually come to think of it this was the first time I had been spotted by the towns folk and was treated normally, Zacora you are a legend.

“Ah… Well thank you very much” I replied back, bowing my head.

She did just the same and then left, it was interesting to say the least.

So I made my way towards the treehouse library, if we humans tried to make something like this Health and Safety would be all over us. Grumpy bunch of sods they is…

The door itself was rather small, obviously, so I decided to knock several times and take several steps back. If I didn’t then all they’d see is a body with no head, sounds funny but I didn’t want to spook them.

“I got it!” I heard someone yell from inside, as if they were doing someone a favour. Ah who am I kidding you know who it is… The door opened and I don’t think I was who he was expecting, “… whoa…” His eye’s seemed to get wider the more he looked at me, not literally but you know what I mean.

“Hi there” I began, “I don’t suppose you know who I am do you?” A long shot I know…

He just stared some more, it was kind of awkward.

“Um…” I paused, trying to buy myself some time to think of a story. “Did Celestia inform you that I would be coming?” Before Discord went and teleported me again, I swear Celestia was about to say something. However she never got the chance, never mind though as that answer came quick abruptly.

Spike pulled a weird face, the face that quite literally said ‘You’ve got mail’. Unfortunately, it happened down wind. By this I mean when that green flamed scroll appeared from his mouth with a burp it immediately hit my tie and caught the tip on fire, the scroll then fell to the ground and I proceeded to do the manliest thing I could think of.

I flailed back and removed the tie as fast as possible. After doing that I proceeded to throw it on the ground and stamp on it, eventually the fire was out and my tie was ruined. And at No point, No point at all did I scream the words ‘Get it off me, get it off me, it burns’ I mean I’d never do such a thing like that…

By this time however Spike had retrieved the letter and had already read it to himself, after that though he was looking at me gone out, “Uh… are you ok?”

“Yes… But my favourite tie is ruined…” That tie was from Italy… Italy! It was so red and shiny…  “Oh well, I’m going to assume it’s from Celestia”

“How did you know that?” Spike asked, puzzled that I knew something like that.

Woops, like before I needed to pretend I knew nothing and straight off the bat I blew it, I did however have a quick solution.

“Because that’s from Celestia right?” I started, “She said she would send word to her student after I arrived, but Discord decided to send me straight away instead of after you received that letter”

“You know Discord?” Spike probed, “I heard stories about weird creatures being spotted near Appleloosa and a few other places too, was that you?”

“Weird creature?” Ouch… “I’m not that weird” That’s a total lie.

He took the time to walk around me, inspecting me. “Well…You look like a scale less dragon” I know, that threw me off too…”But you don’t have a tail, and why are your claws so dull?”

“They aren’t claws, they’re fingers” I pointed out, “And I’m not a dragon, I’m a human”

“Oh… Never heard of them” Kind of saw that coming.

“Look, it doesn’t matter, I need to see-“I started but was interrupted, Spike stopped listening and then looked at the letter with intent.

“Oh! I should tell Twilight!” he said abruptly, and then he quickly scurried inside leaving the door wide open.

I wasn't sure what to do. I could have walked straight inside but that would have been rude, so I waited… and waited… I got bored so I started looking around, nope… Nothing. So I took out my phone, didn’t work… of course.

“Pff, Discord better pay up for a new phone” I told myself, you don’t spend over one hundred pounds on a phone for it to just break within a week. Shortly after that I started talking to myself, “This is all Discords fault, stupid cartoon villain…”

“Who are you talking to out there?” Spike asked suddenly.

“Myself, I got bored of waiting so I decided I may as well descend into madness” It’s one of my favourite past times, well that and doughnuts.

“Huh… Well you can come on in, Twilight is waiting for you”

“Sweet, let’s go” I said to him, he lead me inside and, after I ducked to avoid hitting my head on the door frame, I was pleasantly surprised. It was a lot bigger than I had anticipated, so leg room wasn’t an issue. However it was a mess, like a bomb shell had gone off. Book’s lay everywhere, Spike walked upstairs where Twi was reading, I stayed on the ground floor. “This is that weird thing Twilight!” Spike said cruelly from up top, “He’s waiting downstairs, I’ll make you some tea”

“That would be wonderful Spike” I heard her say as she came down the steps, “And make some for our guest as well” Spike came straight back stairs and headed for the kitchen, Twilight finally appeared from behind the stairwell.

“Spike showed me the letter, are you the Human Princess Celestia referred to?” Twilight asked me, informative and concise, as you’d expect.

“That’s me, Nicks the name” I replied, “And Up dog is my game”

My trap was set, the bait was planted. All I had to do was wait…

She gave me a confused look, tilted her head, and finally said it… “What is Up Dog?”

Grabbing my sides in pain I laughed myself to the floor.

It was Glorious… I had truly achieved something that day…

Spike walked back to the main room and stared at me on the ground, “What’s wrong with him?”

She turned around to face Spike, “I have no idea… He seems a bit… strange”

If only they knew at the time…