Trucks in Equestria

by 35RatRod

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Human, Anthro, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 9992

Two truckers find themselves in a new world. Follow them to see what kind of trouble they get into.

Mad Man and Road Kill are two truckers that find themselves in Ponyville after falling through the ice of the Beaufort Sea. Will Ponyville or Equestria ever be the same?

rating is subject to change.
German will be used in spots. Translations will be in the authors notes.
Chapters may not be posted in order.

Published 2014-07-28 14:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-06 18:25:04 UTC

Prologue: "A new world"

Author's Note

Ten codes used:
10-4, 10-Roger=yes
10-95= please transmit dead carrier for five seconds
10-100=restroom stop
UN 1993= Diesel fuel
CB Radio: Citizens Band Radio
motion lotion or go go juice: fuel, black eye:burned out or broken headlight, other CB LINGO

Prologue: "A new world"

It all started as a normal day in Prudhoe Bay. It was a warm morning. There was a 'heat wave' rolling through, it was 10°F above. The northern lights were especially bright that morning as we inspected Lunaris and Raritas for the drive ahead. Mad Man and I each had two cans of dieselfuel, to be delivered to the off shore oil rig, Kulluk, on the Beaufort Sea.

"Hey Mad Man, you got your ears on?" I asked over the radio.

"10-Rodger," said Mad Man. "How are the rug rats of yours doing?

"They're doing well, I miss them a lot though." I said in a somber tone. "Speaking of which. When are you gonna settle down with a little woman?"

"I'm not sure. Right now I don't think I'm ready to go through what you did with Lunaris, with Raritas. At least not yet."

"Well I'll tell you now, it's well worth it. It'll be hard... but very much worth it."

"Road Kill, let us stop for some motion lotion before we head out over the ocean. Oh by the way, Lunaris owes Raritas an apology for the black eye she gave her yesterday."

"10-4. I'll tell her. Besides she could use a little go go juice as well before we get these rolling refineries moving."

"Lulu, its not nice to throw rocks at Rarity," I said to my truck. "You need to apologize for giving her a black eye yesterday." Just then Lunaris shuddered in response. "Luna, I know you didn't mean to. But you still need to.-" She shuddered again a little harder. "-Lunaris, I know the rear trailer is rather rude and likes to throw things. But please be the bigger person and apologize anyway.-" Luna then tried to throw me out of the seat. "-I'll make it up to you later." Just then a strange message appeared on my information screen

"Fine. Thou OWEST ME," She said. "Have them take the lead, I SHALL NOT... be accused for another black eye."

"Very well," I said. "What exactly are your demands?"

"Thou shalt hand wash me, hand polish all of mine chrome, and a nice deep waxing should do the trick."

"Anything else?" I asked hoping that was the end of the list. There are days I swear she's just as bad as Raritas. I thought.

"That tis all for now," she said.

"Mad Man, Luna wants you to have the front door."

"10-4. You just keep the bears off our backs then."

"10-Roger. Lets get cookin'," I said. "It's about a five hour trip out, four hours to unload, and another five hours back.

"It's clean and green the whole way. So lets drop the hammer and get the hell outta here!"

"10-4," said Mad Man.

About four hours into our trek across the sea Mad Man saw another truck barreling right for us.

"SLOW DOWN YOU DIRTY-ROTTEN SON OF A BITCH!" That was the last thing I heard before thinking that this was the end of the road.

*****

That morning Fluttershy was tending to her garden when she heard an unusual sound coming from just inside the Everfree. Just as she decided to go investigate two large beasts emerged from the forest belching thick black smoke as they moved along. Not knowing what else to do, she flew off as fast as her wings would carry her to warn the others. "TWILIGHT COME QUICK! MONSTERS! EVERFREE FOREST! SMOKE!" Fluttershy screamed as she tried to catch her breath. Twilight looked toward where Fluttershy came from to see two thick black clouds of smoke quickly approaching.

"Fluttershy are you all right?" Twilight asked the timid pegasus as the first beast came into view. A couple minutes later the two beasts stopped in front of them one right next the other; with a loud hiss causing Fluttershy to faint from fear. Twilight noticed that when the beasts stopped moving, they stopped belching smoke but continued to growl.

They were almost identical except for the colors. The first one was a snow white, its snout looked like it was on fire with royal purple and sapphire blue flames, and in the center of three of its legs was a sapphire blue diamond. The other one was pitch black, with a midnight blue snout that was dotted with every constellation imaginable and then some, and on its legs it had a different stage of the moon. Both beasts had two large silver horns that belched thick black smoke, a silver nose, a large silver chin that almost dragged on the ground, and had a countless number of eyes that glowed. Their eyes were white, orange, and red. They could also move faster than any pony could run. After a moment the beasts went quiet and two creatures stepped out and down to the ground.

*****

Suddenly the ice we were driving on suddenly broke open swallowing our trucks whole. However something was extremely strange. As our hands touched the door handles instead of plunging into freezing water to our potential deaths, we gently rolled onto a forest road and the CB went deathly quiet.

I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead. I'm deeeaaaad. I thought. Now for the million dollar question. Is this Heaven, or Hell? I read the outside thermometer in my truck, which said it was 55°F. "Hey Mad Man, you dead? Cause I think I am." I said over the radio.

"Negatory, no need for 10-95 here, but I'll take a 10-100," said Mad Man.

"10-4, after that drop I need one as well. By chance, do ya see a town ahead?"

"10-Roger. I just hope the county mounty ain't a royal pain in the ass."

"That's a big 10-4. Now if we are dead. Do you think this is Heaven or Hell?"

"For right now I don't know. But I think it may be the first layer of Hell.

" Don't know for sure just yet. but either way we can try to find us some new seat covers!" He said with much enthusiasm.

"Speak for yourself Mad Man, I'm still taken." For now... that is if she don't think I'm dead. Just as that thought raced through my mind a small town came into view. "I don't think we'll have a problem with the county mounty, cause I don't think there's even a single four wheeler here that can move on its own. Let alone a bubblegum machine."

"Road Kill, I think you're right. I think we just rolled into an old ghost town. The only things I see are old buildings and carts.

"The animals here are very strange though." Mad Man said.

With that we came to a stop in front of two bipedal creatures, they looked almost human. The first one had a pair of wings, it was yellow with long pink hair and a long pink tail. While the other one had wings it also had a horn on its forehead, but it was purple with purple hair with a pink stripe and matching tail.

"Hey, are you seeing what I'm seeing?" I asked.

"I don't know Road Kill," said Mad Man. "But the yellow one looks like it's dead.

"Do you think they're dangerous?"

"Well if they are, then you'll know why they call me... Road Kill. But I got you covered just in case." After I said that we shut the trucks down and got out to look around. The next thing I heard were screams from Mad Man as he got out of his truck cause he was being ambushed. I looked up the side of his trailers see him pinned down by a pink creature that was making lots of noise. Without another thought I grabbed my knife and tackled it. I held the knife to its throat while I pinned it to the ground. Just as I was about to slit its throat I heard a feminine voice yelling behind me.

"STOP! SHE MEANS NO HARM!" I looked over my shoulder to see the purple one screaming at me while the yellow one appeared to have regained some consciousness.

While looking at the pink creature that was cowering under me I asked. "Can you talk!?" It nodded so I let up on my knife a little so it could speak. "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ATTACK MY FRIEND!?"

"I... I d-didn't," it croaked.

"BULL FUCKING SHIT! I WATCHED YOU FUCKING DO IT!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Right before I could slit its throat I felt a firm hand on my shoulder.

"It's ok Road Kill, I'm fine. let it go." Mad Man said in a calm reassuring voice. "She just caught me with my back door wide open, and took full advantage of the opportunity." He said with a chuckle.

"I-I'm sorry." The pink girl said still a little horse from having the knife to her throat. "I was just really, really, really, really, really excited because you're new here, and I know everypony here, and I just wanted to be your friend."

"It's true." The purple one said as she walked up to us. "She's friends with everypony in town. I'm sorry. But, who and what are you?"

"My name's Road Kill, he's Mad Man, and the two lovely ladies behind us are Lunaris and Raritas." I said pointing to him and the trucks. "We're both humans. Now that you know us. Who and what are you?"

Just then two others showed up the first one had wings, was a sky blue, and had rainbow colored hair and tail. While the other had a horn on its forehead, was a pure white, and had perfectly curled purple hair and tail.

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, that's Fluttershy-" Twilight pointed to the yellow one "-and that's Pinkie Pie." The pink one waved.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Rarity, " said the white one.

"I'm Rainbow Dash. Fastest flyer in Equestria!" The blue one said as it lazily hovered a few feet in the air.

"Ok that answers the who. Now what are you?" I asked.

"We're ponies," said Twilight. "You two are humans. But what are those creatures?" She asked pointing at the trucks as we both visibly cringed. Then Mad Man started trying to comfort his rig. Earning him strange looks coming from the five ponies.

I led the group away from the trucks to explain. I'm gonna catch hell from Luna for this. But oh well, here goes nothin'. "They're not creatures at all, they're just machines made by humans. For most people they're only trucks, but for people like Mad Man and I they're family."

"Oh don't be preposterous darling," said Rarity. "You just said they're only machines. So how in Equestria can they be family?"

As she said that I visibly cringed. "Rarity you'll need to apologize to Lunaris for that comment. But first I'll explain why.

"Mad Man and I believe that even machines have personalities like you and me. For example, Raritas as far as I can tell is just like you." I pointed at Rarity. "She must be perfectly clean and waxed at all times, constantly pampered, heaven forbid she leave the pavement, and don't get me started on having to take her through a little bit of mud. But first and foremost she demands to be treated like a proper lady." -The other four ponies looked straight at Rarity and began to snicker.- "She barely tolerated the ice road we were running on until earlier today."

"That's very interesting," said Twilight. "Because Rarity's almost exactly like that." -Rarity tried to give Twilight the glare of death.- "What's Lunaris like?"

"She's very kind, she'll help just about anyone. She's incredibly stubborn, and doesn't give up easily," I said. "She's short tempered, and she can be very jealous. She's very much a night owl, hence her name; Lunaris, which is Latin for; of the moon.

"Twilight is there somewhere we can park other than the middle of town? Or at least park the trailers?"

"Yes," said Twilight. "I think Applejack would let you park them at Sweet Apple Acres."- I motioned for her to continue. -"I'll show you the way."

"Come on Mad Man." I said as we climbed back into our trucks. "I found us a turkey farm for now." Twilight glared at me and muttered something in response.

"10-4, you got the front door Road Kill." Mad Man said over the radio. While Twilight tried to figure out where his voice was coming from.

"He's in his truck."- Twilight was looking around for an explanation. -"What spell did he use to talk in your truck?"

"He didn't." I held up the mic for the CB and spoke into it. "10-4 we're rolling."

"What do you mean he didn't use a spell? He had to have used magic to talk to you." Twilight said not believing me.

"Just that Ms. Twilight Sparkle. Humans don't have magic. We have technology. For example,"- I held up the mic for the CB. -"This is a CB Radio, it lets me talk to other people from my truck. That is, as long as who I'm talking to also has a CB Radio tuned to the same frequency.

"So which way to Sweet Apple Acres?"

"Oh yes, the road there is on the east side of town," said Twilight. "So where are you two going to sleep?"

"In our trucks," I said.

"But there's no bed!-" Twilight looked concerned while I laughed hysterically. "-What's so funny?"

"Look behind the curtain."- I pointed over my shoulder. -"My sleeper is a small apartment on wheels."- Her jaw dropped to the floor. -"Complete with a wood-burning fireplace, kitchen and shower." Soon after I said that we were surrounded by Apple trees as far as the eye could see.

"Are all trucks this nice and roomy?" She asked

"No. I have probably spent more money on this truck than I have on my families house." As I said that we were stopped by an orange pony wearing a tan Stetson hat. "I'm going to assume that's Applejack."

*****

I was about half way through the west fields when I heard a strange noise. When I looked over to where the noise was coming from, I saw thick black smoke racing for the house. I ran as fast as I could, to see where it was coming from. Cause it didn't act like a normal fire.

When I got to the road there were two large beasts that were belching the smoke I saw.

They came to a stop in front of me with a loud hiss. Twilight and a strange creature got out of the first one, while a second creature got out of the other.

"Hey Applejack," said Twilight. "This is Road Kill.-" She pointed at the one that got out with her. "-And that's Mad Man."- The other one just waved. "They're wondering if they could park their trucks at Sweet Apple Acres."

"Or even just our trailers would be most helpful," said Road Kill.

"Sure thing sugar cube.-" I pointed at one of the Hazmat placards. "-But first what do the red diamonds mean? They look... dangerous."

"They mean that the cargo is hazardous,"said Mad Man. "For example between the two of us we're carrying 62,156 gallons of diesel fuel, which is a class 3 flammable liquid. So yes it can be dangerous.

"It's still ok to park out here... right?"

"Of course sugar cube," I said. "Y'all can park'em in the field next to the barn, as long as they don't leak."

"Don't worry Applejack," said Road Kill. "We wouldn't have been able to use these trailers where we were if they leaked."

*****

As we all parked the trucks and got out; a little yellow filly bolted out of the farm house.

"Applejack what are those things?" The filly yelled as she ran toward us.

"Applebloom this is Road Kill,-" Applejack pointed at me. "-And this is Mad Man.-" She pointed to him. "They're humans."

"It's nice tah meet y'all. But what are those?" Applebloom asked pointing at the trucks.

"Those are big rigs. Mad Man and I drive them all over to deliver different cargo.

"We're gonna bobtail back to town to try and rustle up some grub. Would any of you like a ride back?"

"Can I go sis? please, please, please sis can I go?" Applebloom pleaded.

"Yes, but ya have to ask Road Kill." Applejack said as Applebloom cringed at what my name implied.

"Road Kill. Can I go fer a ride with y'all?" Applebloom asked with much less excitement.

"Sure thing, you can ride with Lunaris and I." I said patting the fender next to the fifth-wheel plate.

Applebloom jumped with excitement, as I opened the passenger side door for her to get in.

"You may want to put that on." I said pointing at the seat belt.

Applebloom and I left while Mad Man stayed a little longer to chat with the others.

"So what's the little rope fer?"- Applebloom pointed at the air horn tassel. -"It's too short to tie anythin' with."

"You're right it is too short to tie anything with." Just then a little orange pegasus on a scooter bolted out in front of the truck.

"SCOOTALOO!" Applebloom screamed in terror.

I stood on the brakes as hard as I could. I yanked on the air horn for all I was worth blasting the orange filly with a deafening wall of sound. I was praying to any and every god that would listen, that Luna wouldn't hit the kid.

Once we were stopped I jumped out of the truck. Please say I missed, please say I missed, dear GOD please say I missed. I thought after I brought Lunaris to an abrupt stop, dreading the extremely possible bloody outcome.

Welcome to Ponyville

I jumped out of the truck and ran around to the front. There I saw an orange pegasus with a purple mane and tail cowering a couple inches from the bumper. "You've got one hell of a guardian angel kid." I said with a sigh of relief. "Why are you in such a big hurry anyway?"

"I was on my way to hang out with my friends."- Scootaloo said as she stood up and noticed that her scooter was missing. -"W-what happened to my scooter?"

I looked under the truck and saw a flattened scooter. "I found it... it's dead, but I found it. "

"What do you mean dead?" She asked. "It's just a scooter. It can't die."

"It got squished when Lunaris stepped on it."- I pointed over to the right side of the truck. -"It's flat as a pancake."

"Ah pony feathers." Scootaloo said as she surveyed the damage. "Hey... What did you mean by guardian angel?"

"A guardian angel is someone who looks after you from heaven and protects you," I said. "And yours really likes you." She gave me a quizzical look. "Let me put things into perspective. If Luna rolled two to three more feet you'd be dead... just like your scooter." Her eyes became the size of dinner plates.

"I...I c-could have b-been d-d-dead?" She asked with a healthy amount of fear in her voice.

"Yes. You were less than two seconds away from becoming... road kill."- She let out an audible gulp. -"I'm on my way into town. You wanna lift?" I said as if nothing was wrong.

"Um...sure since I can't ride my scooter any more," said Scootaloo. "Wait where's Princess Luna? I don't see her, you said she was here."

"No I didn't Lunaris is my truck." I said as it clicked in Scootaloos head. "I call her Luna for short. Now get in." I pointed to the passenger door.

As soon as my ass touched the driver's seat we were assaulted by a wall of sound coming from the stereo, and it was screaming at me. ANTONIO SAMUEL SAXTON! WHY DIDST THOU CALL US FAT!?"

"I-I didn't." I stammered realizing that I broke the number one rule of talking around women you care about: NEVER EVEN HINT about excess weight. "Well just think Lulu there aren't any chicken coups around to know for certain." I knew I struck a nerve when I said that, because the engine temperature spiked. "Now, now Luna, you know I love you. I'm only pulling your leg, and you know it."

"Very well, but thou whilst pay for what thou sayest."

That's also when Applebloom realized that Luna used my given name instead of my handle. "Hey, wait a minute. Who's Antonio Samuel Saxton?" Applebloom asked trying to put two and two together.

I raised my hand. "Me that's my given name. Right now the only people that know my real name are you two, Lunaris, Mad Man, and maybe Raritas. I'd like to keep it that way."

"So then why do you call yerself Road Kill?" asked Applebloom.

"It's my handle, or code name."- The two girls just grinned at each other. -"Only friends, family, and the state know my real name.

"Road Kill. Is everything alright up there?" Mad Man asked over the radio.

"10-4. A kid almost became road tar is all."- Scootaloos face went paper white as she recalled the demise of her scooter. -"By chance any word on some decent chow?"

"Just Sugarcube Corner. Twilight said to talk to Pinkie Pie," He said.

"Roger that." I turned to my passengers and asked. "Where's Sugarcube Corner?"

"Don't worry we'll show ya the way," said Applebloom. "So how did you get the name Road Kill?"

"It was given to me by my instructor at school. When he was giving me a small test I couldn't help but run over a dog. To make matters worse the poor thing became wedged between the two drive axles and the trailer and was ground into itty bitty pieces. The only thing that was still in tact was its head." The girls cringed at the image I described.

"So was that the only time that happened?" Scootaloo asked hoping that was the only one that I ran over.

"No that was only the first." I said. "A couple weeks later during my final road test a cat to cross the road at the wrong time. That poor thing met a worse fate than the dog." They both gave me a quizzical look. "Unlike the dog it didn't die right away because it only wedged itself between the duels on the trailer. After listening to her screams for a half mile the examiner let me pull over and put her out of her misery. So needless to say the name stuck."

"How can they be y'alls companions if they're dead?"

"I had a good friend that was a taxidermist in his spare time. So I was able to trade a couple of favors for his services."

"What's a taxidermist?" Scootaloo asked not sure if she wanted the answer or not."

"They're someone who stuffs dead animals for show." Both girls looked like they were about to be sick. "The cat's in front of the fireplace and the dog is on the dash."- I reached up and rubbed the skull. -"Who's a good little mutt?

At that point I could tell that they were very much questioning my sanity. "So where are we going again?

Scootaloo found that to be a great opportunity to change the subject. "The Carousel Boutique."- She pointed at a building shaped and painted like the center of a carousel ride. -"That's where Rarity and Sweetie Bell live." How come I'm not surprised.

I quickly scanned the area and pointed at a building that looked like it was made out of ginger bread. "Let me guess. That's Sugarcube Corner." The girls just nodded as we came to a stop in front of the boutique. The two got out and rolled over to Sugarcube Corner for some chow.

I walked through the door and was greeted by a blue mare. "Excuse me miss. Is Ms. Pie in?"

Pinkie Pie jumped up from behind the counter. "Just call me Pinkie. Ms. Pie makes me feel old. So Road Kill what can I get you?"

"Fair enough, I feel old myself when someone calls me Mr. or sir. What's good?"

"Well everything's great silly!" I should have seen that coming.

"Ok then,"- I quickly scanned the display case. -"What do you have in the muffin department?" She muttered darkly about Derpy and muffins.

"We have blueberry, raspberry, cranberry orange, triple berry, banana nut, strawberry coconut, strawberry banana, boysenberry, blackberry, and my personal favorite chocolate chip. So what will it be?"

I'll take a cranberry orange, triple berry, banana nut, and a... strawberry coconut." As she gathered my loot she asked me where Mad Man was. "I think he's on his way here. But I can get on the horn and find out if you'd like." She just nodded.

I went back to my truck and got on the radio. "Mad Man you got your ears on"

"10-4 what's going on?"

"Oh nothin. What's your 20?"

"Oh I'm just passin your skid marks on my way to town. So where are you?"

"I'm here at Sugarcube Corner waiting for you just look for Luna I'll wait." I looked over at Pinkie and rolled down the passenger side window and waved her over. "He'll be here in about two minutes give or take." I said with a great yawn. "But in the meantime I'm talking a nap." I rolled the window back up. "Lock it down Lulu. If Mad Man knocks just let him in. Gutenacht meine liebe."

"Very well, get some rest." That was the last thing I heard before falling asleep.

Author's Note

Gutenacht-goodnight

Hope you all enjoyed. Please review.
Thanks

Friends and Dreams

"Hey Road Kill got yer ears on?" I heard on the radio.

"10-4 Redneck. Was ist der scheiß?"

"Don't tell me y'all are goin on the suicide run with those."

"We were told that a few truckers were starting to refuse the Kulluk runs so we decided to give it a shot. Besides those boys are desperate for fuel so they don't freeze."

"Y'all be danmed careful. Ever since it ran a ground a few years ago, almost every truck to go out hasn't come back . They go in the drink either goin out or comin back."

10-4 Redneck. We'll take as easy as we can."

"That's what Brain Damage and Toetag said before they went in the drink a week ago," said Redneck.

"Son. Of. A. Whore. Did either of them survive"

"Yes Toetag made it... lost the truck, but he made it... Brain Damage went down with his truck. Last I heard Toetag was in the hospital in Fairbanks. They said that he kept going on about a truck that came out of nowhere. He called it the Chariot of Death."

'Thanks Redneck. I'll send him your regards. I'll catch you on the flip flop."

Riiiing...Riiiing...Ring. "Fairbanks medical center. How may I direct your call?"

"Yes I'm looking for a patient that came in a week ago. He goes by Toetag. He came in on the expressway."

"I'm sorry sir. I don't see anyone listed by that name."

"Try Jerry N. Riggs."

"You just missed him he was transferred to Providence Medical Center Anchorage yesterday."

"Thank you much. Have a great day." Click. "Son, of. A . FUCKING. BITCH!" I yelled to no one in particular.

"Pipe Swallower. You out there?" I asked over the radio, hoping that she hadn't started her back haul yet.

"Hey Road Kill. What did you need?"

"Have you left Prudhoe yet?"

"No. Why do you ask?" She asked with a hint of concern in her voice.

"Just meet me at the choke and puke before you leave. I'll even throw in a tall cup of mud for the road."

"Ok. I'll be there in 10."

"Road Kill... Road Kill... Wakey wakey, hands off snakey..."

I came to with Mad Man standing over me with a concerned look on his face. "Mad Man I don't think we're alone here in this world. I think Brain Damage and a few others may be out there."

"And just what makes you say..." Just then he was cut off by the radio.

"Ro...ill...ad man... you...there anyone ans... please. Need... edic...elp.

Mad Man grabbed the mic. "Don't worry we'll find you. Just sit tight, what's your 20?!"

"In a forest...BANG mo...sters...lion...th wings attack... BANG, BANG...BANG." I pushed Mad Man out of my way when I heard the shots through the radio.

"Lulu it's time to fly, a good friend desperately needs our help. Mad Man gear up for the worst." Before my hand reached the key Lunaris' engine screamed to life. She sprayed grass, rocks, and dirt as she spun around and raced to the forest.

There was a purple flash and a loud pop as Twilight appeared in the passenger seat. "What's going on?" She looked at the speedometer that was now reading 45 M.P.H. and rapidly climbing. "So what's the rush?"

Mad Man found that was the perfect time to make his presence known. "We just heard from one of our friends over the radio."- Twilight just nodded and motioning for him to continue. -"He was being attacked by a lion with wings."

We continued down a dirt road until it became too narrow for the truck. Mad Man and I grabbed a shot gun and a large rifle and got out. We heard a couple more shots about a hundred yards out. I looked to my friend putting my spare hand on his shoulder. "Lion. That's what's for dinner tonight."

"Are you insane!? That's not a lion, that's a manticore!"

I calmly patted my rifle. "That's what this is for." We heard a snarl and we ran to go help our friend. As soon as the monstrosity of a creature came into view it was too late. It had just stabbed Brain Damage in the chest with its sharp tail. We froze for a second, then we raised our guns and pulled the trigger, watching its neck and tail pop like a balloon.

We rushed over and saw him laying in a pool of his own blood and gasping for air. As we knelt down next to him he put a hand on our cheek. "You two... boys take... good care of... Rose Blossom. And remember... keep the shiny... side up... and the dirty side... down."

"And we'll catch you on the flip flop." I said with tears running down our cheeks. A moment later his body went limp as he gave up the ghost.

I picked up our lifeless friend and began walking back to the truck when Twilight came into view. "Did you make it in time?" I just shook my head with tears in my eyes. "Is there anything we can do to help?"

"Just help Mad Man take the manticore to the truck. And do you know where we can cremate the body?"

"Why not just bury him? And what are you going to do with the manticore?" She asked lifting the beast with her magic watching its head dangle by just a little bit of muscle and fur.

"Because that's not what he wants, and we're going to eat the beast." I watched her grimace at the thought of it. "Don't worry we usually don't eat animals that can talk."

When we got back to Lunaris we gutted and cleaned what was left of the manticore on her headache rack. We were about to head back to town when Twilight got my attention. "Was there anypony in the other truck?"

"No he's in the hospital in Anchorage. We're coming back later and removing some trees." She gave me a questioning look. "So we can get the trucks out. Besides I want to see how many other trucks are here."

a couple hours later we had our friend sent off to the other side. Before Applejack came over to where we had the fire. "Y'all okay? Ah heard what happened to your friend."

"We will be. He wants us to go get his truck." Mad Man said pointing to the forest. "By chance do you have a saw we could borrow for a day or two

"Better yet, would y'all like some help? We got nutin else better ta do." That's when she noticed the dead animal on the back of Lunaris as it was being skinned. "WHAT... IS... THAT?!" She asked with a hand over her mouth in an effort to keep from saying 'ralf'.

"Dinner. You want some?" Mad Man asked pushing Applejack over the edge she threw up.

"Sure what's on the menu?" A little baby dragon asked.

"I DON'T THINK SO SPIKE!" Twilight yelled

"Why not? What's for dinner?" He asked confused before he saw the skinned animal.

Mad Man found that as the perfect opportunity to get his attention. "Good ol' dead animal."- He said as he carved off a couple of good sized steaks. -"Just what a growing dragon needs." Twilight glared at him.

"Please Twilight, can I try some?" Spike asked looking at the raw flesh.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! I WON'T ALLOW IT!" Twilight continued.

"Fiiine. Twilight you win. I'll eat when we get home." Spike said hanging his head.

"Oh come on Twilight. He's a DRAGON for Petes sake. Dragons are Carnivores!"- I said while rubbing in a few seasonings. -"They need to eat meat."

"The answer is still no!" Twilight said before storming off with poor Spike in tow.

Someones nickers are in a twist. "Just carve off about ten or twelve strips 6-8 inches wide and about as thin as you can get."

"Ten or twelve strips apiece or total?" He asked knowing what they were for. "And where are we going to cure all this anyway?"

"I have a few spots in mind. Speaking of which an overgrown prickly pear just finished yesterday. You want some?" Mad Man nodded eagerly. I turned to Applejack who looked confused. "How about you Applejack?"

"Uh... no thanks. I'm... not sure... I could eat right now." She started walking up to the farmhouse. "I'll be inside if y'all need anything."

The two of us sat there enjoying our meal alone. "How many other trucks do you think are out there Fred?"

"I don't know Tonio. But what makes you say that there are?"

"Just a conversation I had with Redneck and Pipe Swallower before we left."

"What did they say?"

"That the Kulluk run was suicide. Pipe Swallower said that Toetag kept going on about a truck that came out of nowhere driving impossibly fast for the ice. He described as being a dark crimson with jet black fenders, kerosene lanterns for headlights, and shooting fire three feet out of both stacks."

"Fuhrmann des Todes. I knew that we were going into the drink as soon as I saw it." He looked me in the eyes. "We may be in a land of humanoid ponies, but we still live to die another day."

"Well it's getting late. Gutenacht." I put the strips of manticore meat on the drying racks under the hood and under my sleeper to cure over night.

"Will you let me run you at a medium idle all night, huh Lulu?" I asked while a set her idle at 900 rpm.

"Very well if I must. Now get some sleep. Thou has a lot of work on the morrow."

"Danke schön. Gutenacht meine liebe."

"Goodnight, sleep well." Once she said that I let unconsciousness take hold.

*****

Meanwhile in Canterlot Princess Luna was dream walking, all was well except for one. She recognized the filly in the dream as they were bombarded with a wall of sound as a large metal beast came into view. Then it spoke. "You're going to be road kill just like your precious scooter!" It was too late Luna was ripped from the nightmare as the host woke up. She looked around her world of dreams for clues as to what that beast was. After a few minutes of searching Luna found a happier dream.

I hid in the shadows and watched the filly she recognized from Ponyville standing next to a similar beast and talking with a strange creature. "So are ya gonna teach me how tah drive, huh Road Kill?" The filly asked with much enthusiasm. Road kill, how was the other filly going to become another creature called road kill?

"No I have too much to do today." The creature said as the filly began to pout. Noteworthy tactic, but hardly effective in most cases. "Ok. Fine you can watch while I explain the basics. But in the meantime I'm running late for a meeting with Twilight in town."

After I observed a few other dreams with the creature Road Kill I thought it was time to meet it. In a few days a letter will be sent to Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight,

Based on a few dreams concerning Road Kill, Luna and I would like to make his acquaintance. The train tickets enclosed are valid any time.

Hope to see you soon.
Celestia and luna.

Author's Note

Fuhrmann des Todes - Chariot of Death
Was ist der scheiß? - What's the poop?

Road Trip

Early one morning I woke up to a knock on my door. "Wer ist es!?" The knocking continued. "Who is it?!" Still no answer. If it's Applebloom or any of the other cutie mark crusaders I'm going to tan their hides. I poked my head out of a sleeper window to see Twilight beating down my door. Son of a bitch.

"Road Kill, I know you're in there. I need to talk to you."

"Was ist sie teufel?" She just looked at me like I'd completely lost my mind. "What do you want?"

"The Princesses want to meet you. The train to Canterlot leaves in a couple of hours." I just pulled my head back in muttering darkly. "And Road Kill... I'm sorry about your friend?" She started to walk away.

I'm probably going to regret this. "Hey Twilight." I poked my head back out of the window. "While we wait want to start learning how to drive?" Twilight quickly turned around and almost fell on her rump in surprise. "We'll use Meat Wagon." I pointed at Toetag's truck.

"Sure. But why not teach me with Lunaris?"

"Because, she doesn't have the patience, and I don't want to risk hurting her." Twilight glared at me as I said that. "Besides Meat Wagon is a little more forgiving."

"It can't be that hard. I've watched both of you drive it's easy."

I laughed hysterically. "Twilight. Mad Man and I have been driving for years. Luna and I have driven almost two million miles together. So yes, l will make it look extremely easy." I walked over to a small storage compartment at the back of my sleeper and pulled out a badly broken gear. "This happened when an inexperienced driver thought it was easy."

*****
Twilight's POV

We walked over to the truck that looked like it belonged at the front of a funeral procession. I watched as Road Kill undid a couple of straps and pulled on the front of its nose. "Before you start the engine at the beginning of the day you need to check the coolant it should be green or orange in color and not a milky brown. As we move to the front of the engine we're going to check for signs of any leaks. On the front we have the serpentine belt, it should have about 5/8 of an inch of play and not cracked, frayed, or broken. The radiator fan should spin freely, no cracked, broken, or missing blades. Then we'll check the alternator that it's secure and not damaged; all the wires aren't burnt frayed or broken. It is belt driven. The water pump is also belt driven; it needs to be secure and not damaged, not leaking. On the other side we're going to check the air compressor and the power steering pump to make sure that they're secure and not damaged or leaking; They're both gear driven. Also we're going to check the oil it should be at the proper level; it shouldn't have any bubbles or discoloration." He said while doing each thing he mentioned. Then he looked at me while I was taking notes. "I won't let you use those when I quiz you later." Buuuuuuuuuuuck meeeee. "And while we have easy access you also want to check the front leaf springs for cracks or breaks, and the steering linkages to see if they're straight and tight." He paused for a brief moment. "Now on to the the brakes. First we'll check the slack adjuster for excess play. Then you check the drum and shoes for wear." He pushed the nose back down to cover the engine again.

"Is that it?"

"Hündin bitte. This is just the beginning." He opened the driver's door and turned a key and the truck started beeping and buzzing while a bunch of little lights came on behind the steering wheel.

"Is there something wrong with the truck?"

He turned the key another notch and the truck roared to life, and he let go of the key. "Nein. Noch nichts." He stepped down to the ground after flicking a few switches turning on the lights.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing yet." Oh good. "Next we're going to check the tire pressure, all lights, rear springs and drive lines. Any questions?" I followed him around the truck as he looked at the top and underneath and he hit the side of each wheel.

"What are the flashing lights for?"

"Those are turn signals, but the red flashing lights also serve as brake lights." I tilted my head to the side. "Turn signals are used to warn people that you're turning to the left or the right, and if they're flashing together it usually signifies a Hazard in the road. It's the same idea with the brake lights they mean that the truck is slowing down or stopping." He just nodded and disconnected a few lines, pulled on a handle between the rear wheels on the truck, and turned a crank lowering the feet on the front of the trailer. "Now get in." He pointed to the driver's door.

Road Kill was in the right seat looking very nervous. "What's wrong?"

He just shook his head. "Nothing. Lets move on shall we?" I nodded and he pointed at the floor in front of me. "Those peddles at your feet make you stop and go. Keep in mind every time you stall the truck I give you a brain duster. So be gentle and fluid in your foot movements." I nodded for him to continue. "Going from left to right, the first one is the clutch it allows you to take the truck in and out of gear. The one in the middle is the the brake, it slows the truck down and brings her to a stop. And the one to the right is the accelerator it makes you go faster." He flicked a switch on the stick that came up from the floor. "This is the gear shifter. This truck has ten forward moving gears and two reverse gears. This toggle shifts the transmission from low range to high range. Now look at the dashboard that yellow diamond is the parking brake control. Push it in to release and pull it out to apply. It will also apply automatically if the air supply gets too low. Any questions?"

"Just a couple. What's the red octagon next to the parking brake? And when will the parking brake apply automatically?"

"The parking brake should automatically set when the air pressure is between 30-45 psi. I've seen it happen as low as 12. And the red octagon is the trailer air supply. Any more questions before we start?" I shook my head. "Ok hold your right foot on the brake, push the clutch all the way to the floor and hold it there until I say to let it out."

The brake pedal was easy to push. The clutch on the other hand I practically had to stand on to get to the floor. "Sweet Celestia! Should the clutch be that stiff?"

"Yes.-" He moved the gear shifter over towards me and down. Then he braced himself for something. "-Now release the parking brake, with your right foot gently press the accelerator, and SLOWLY let the clutch out."

"Ok, I'll try" I pushed in the parking brake release and started to let the clutch out when it overpowered me. Then the truck violently lurched forward and died.

*****
Road Kill's POV

Thank. You. Twilight. I had a neck. I looked at my watch. "What time did you say that the train leaves for Canterlot?"

"It leaves at 9:00. Why do you ask?"

"Lessons over for today. Pull on the parking brake, turn the key to the left until it's straight up and down, then hand it to me."

"Ok."- She handed me the key. -"What time is it?"

"It's 8:35. Just enough time to refuel Luna and Rarity and race to meet the train in town. So lets move." As she walked next to me I swiftly reached up and slapped Twilight up the back of her head.

"Ow! What the hay was that for?!" She asked rubbing the back of her head.

"That grasshopper is for giving the master whiplash." She still scowled at me rubbing the back of her head. "Remember, I said that you would receive one brain duster for every time you stalled the truck. That way I know you're sharing my pain."

"Well you do it then!" She said in frustration.

I stopped and looked her dead in the eyes just inches from her face. "I. Do. Every. Day. With a heavier clutch to boot. So don't try that with me." She was trying to back away from me as I stepped forward. "BECAUSE. IT. WILL. NOT. WORK." I practically spat.

"I-I-I-I'm s-sorry. I-it w-won't happen again." I looked at her over the top of my sunglasses. "I promise."

"It had better not; and if it does, consider your driving lessons OVER. " Twilight nodded. By that time we'd gotten back to Lunaris. "Does Mad Man know about the royal meeting?"

"No he doesn't they just asked to meet you."

I looked at my watch after I hung up the makeshift fuel pump, 08:55. "Shit. Get in time to go." We left for the train station in a spray of grass rocks and dirt.

After a minute of driving Twilight found her voice again. "Hey! I thought you said that the clutch was needed to change gears. You're not using it!" Twilight yelled pointing her finger at my feet.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I've been using it the entire time." I said as I started to double clutch.

Twilight gave me a stern glare. "I'm on to you mister."

We arrived at the train station and I looked at my watch, 08:58. Twilight and I ran over to the conductor and asked if there was a flat railcar for my truck. He bowed to Twilight and pointed at one right behind the last passenger car. "Your Majesty, I do ask that you hurry in loading because we are now departing late." He said bowing once more.

"I just meed 5-10 minutes."

While I was tightening the last chain holding Lunaris to her railcar Twilight stood on the platform tapping her wrist. "How much longer are you going to be? The conductor is getting antsy."

"Twilight it's only been five minutes, and yes I'm done tying her down." I said as I stowed my winch bar in Luna's headache rack.

"Good, let's go." She said as I was dragged into the last passenger car. The conductor walked over to Twilight. "Yes we're ready to depart." The conductor bowed one last time before exiting.

I reached into my bag and pulled out the rest of my porcupine jerky. "Would you like some overgrown prickly pear?" Holding out a couple of strips with an impish smirk on my face.

"Where did you get that? I've never seen it like that before." She asked questioning the look on my face.

"Off the road between Delta Junction and Fairbanks. Why? Do you not trust me?" I asked trying to sound as innocent as possible and putting a hand on my chest.

"No thanks. That isn't fruit." Damn she caught me. "What animal was that?" Are you sure that you want to know?

"It's porcupine. Das kleine Arschloch popped a couple of the inner duels on Luna's passenger side. The quills went clean through the sidewalls, so I had to limp her into Fairbanks for a couple of new tires."

"I... see. What other animals have you run over?"

"I've hit 2 moose, a caribou, 3 reindeer, a buffalo, a few cows, a few deer, about 75 skunks, countless rabbits, a snow fox, a few dogs, a few cats and a grizzly bear." Twilight's jaw hit the floor. "Hence the name, Road Kill. In fact I still have my first two kills in the truck."

"I see. Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

"Sure, how does magic work? For example levitation. I see you and Rarity using it constantly."

"First off Alicorns and Unicorns are the only pony races capable of performing magic."

"That doesn't answer my question. Lets say hypothetically I turned into a unicorn tomorrow. How would I use levitation for example?"

"Ok I'll bite. The main thing is having faith that you can do it. Levitation you have to have a great picture of your surroundings in your mind, and then you move the object in question in your mental image and the object should follow." Sounds easy enough.

After a few hours when Twilight's attention was elsewhere I decided to give levitation a try. Ok Tonio, you can do this. Next I pictured my bag raising up the three inches or so and into my hand.

"You did it, didn't you!" Twilight said as she whipped around to look at me.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. You just said that only unicorns and alicorns could do magic."

"But I felt it! Somepony was using magic!"

Twilight you're too much fun to mess with. "Twilight I only picked up my bag. Besides you're the only pony in here. It must be just a figment of your imagination."

"But I felt it! SOMEPONY WAS USING MAGIC!" She yelled as her eye began to twitch.

"I'm going to go check on Lunaris. I'll be right back." Once the door was closed I noticed that we were close to the city limits and that the train started to gradually slow down. I climbed into Lunaris and started her engine.

Once I reentered our private car Twilight spun around, her eye was still twitching. "Twilight calm down."- I put my hands on her shoulders. -"You're working yourself up over nothing." The twitch in her eye started to slow down and I heard the brakes on the train apply signaling our arrival. "This is our stop and I need a navigator"

"Very well I'll drop it for now. I'll wait for you in the truck."

I quickly unchained Lunaris and drove onto the now crowded platform. "Ach komm. Bewegen Sie Ihren Arsch!" I watched as a ball got wedged under my left steer tire as I rolled forward a couple feet causing the ball to pop. It caused a few ponies to move but only a few. So I calmly reached up to the tassel hanging from the roof and gave it a nice long, hard, tug. All of the ponies in front of me froze stiff, so I feathered the throttle a little and watched the shadows of the two clouds of smoke move across the sea of ponies causing more panic. I idled Lunaris forward as the ponies started moving out of the way, until I was stopped by what I guessed was a royal guard. At this point all of the ponies on the platform were out of the way with the exception of the gaurd.

Twilight and I got out to have a kind word with them. They just so happened to have called for backup. "Sir, you are under arrest! For disturbing the peace!" SHIT! This is gonna look good. I noticed that I suddenly didn't have the ability to move and was floating in the air.

"RELEASE HIM AT ONCE!"

"But your Majesty..."

"Are you hard of hearing?! Or do I need to talk to Celestia about you not following orders?!"- I was unceremoniously dropped. -"This gentlecolt happens to be my escort to the palace as well as a friend! So if you're done harassing him we're late for a meeting with Princesses Celestia and Luna!"

I could tell that Twilight hated to be late to the point of obsession. Once we were on our way with an escort from the gaurds we made great time getting to the castle. I looked over to a freaking out mare. "TWILIGHT!"- She jumped in her seat. -"Relax. See they're happy to see us." I pointed at the two smiling alicorns standing at the base of the castle steps. I set the parking brake causing the two princesses to jump a little. I turned off the engine and stepped out to greet our hosts. "Guten Morgen, eure Majestäten." As I reached forward to shake their hands. "Road Kill at your service."

"Thou art brazen to address us as an equal instead of your superior!" The dark alicorn boomed with much distaste.

"I hold no one above me nor below me until they prove otherwise, for the better or worse." Lets just hope that I won't go for a short drop and a sudden stop. "Almost everyone I meet starts with a basic level of trust, respect, and courtesy until they prove otherwise."

"If I may ask. What are the exemptions to that?" Celestia asked.

"Panhandlers and career politicians."- All three alicorns tilted their heads. -"Panhandlers because they are generally too lazy to try to earn their own way. And almost every career politician will promise almost everything under the sun and when they're in office it all goes out the window." I'm sorry but you fall into the later category.

"That makes sense, I suppose. So then Twilight, Luna, and I fall in the latter category." Almost, at least Twilight treats others with a shred of respect from the get go.

"You are correct, except Twilight has earned some of my trust." Lets see how Twilight responds to pressure. "Twilight. Want to show the Princesses what you learned this morning?" Her head whipped around so fast I thought her neck would break, and her eyes just about popped out of their sockets. "Remember, no notes."

"WHAT!? You can't be serious?"

"I'll keep it simple. Teach Princess Celestia the first part of the pre-trip inspection." I said with a sadistic grin.

Twilight noticed my grin. "What are you going to do if I miss something?"

My grin grew and Twilight's face fell even further. "If you miss three items or less you'll receive one brain duster for each item missed. If you miss four or more you'll receive two brain dusters for each item missed. And it doesn't have to be in order."

"What pray tell is a brain duster?" Princess Luna asked as she stood next to me.

"You'll see Princess, she missed a few things." When Twilight turned around I motioned for her to come to me, the grin still present.

"What did I miss?"

"Only some of the most important things to check especially on a truck with so many miles." Once she was in front of me I lightly slapped the back of her head.

As her head popped up I watched the light bulb come on in her mind. "I forgot to check the oil."

"What else did you miss?" I asked as I readied my hand for another brain duster. She looked at me with great confusion. I slapped her head again. "What makes the front tires turn together?"

The light bulb came on in Twilight's mind. "I also didn't mention the tie rod, third axle, drag link, or the Pittman arm."

I turned to look at Princess Luna. "Should I count that as five, seven, or ten items?"

Luna got a very sadistic grin on her face that I met with my own and she started to say ten when she was interrupted. "Luna, be kind to our newest peer. After all I think she did quite well... I think," said Celestia. "After all, how many times have you gone over that?"

"Once, this morning before we met the train. And yes she did quite well for only hearing it the one time." Twilight grinned and puffed out her chest with pride as she rocked back and forth on her feet. "So I'll be kind and count that as five. However until you figure what else was missed I get to give you a dusting each time I pass by." Starting now. I quickly slapped the back of her head again.

After a few hours and about fifteen brain dusters later I asked her opinion on the castle the light bulb came on in her mind. "All of the steering linkages are held together with castle nuts and cotter pins."

"Very good Twilight. I knew that you would remember eventually." She gave me a very stern glare while rubbing her head.

"Speaking of which," said Princess Luna. "What dost thou think of our humble home?" I snorted at that.

"Humble my ass." Twilight looked rather shocked. "Humble is a shack on the outskirts of town or living in the back seat of the car."

"Oh, like living in your truck?" Twilight asked.

"No. My truck isn't a good example of humble by any stretch of the imagination." All three alicorns looked confused. "Lunaris is by all means a show truck. There are many truckers that would just about kill to have a truck like her."

"Now that thou mentions it. Wouldst thou show us?"

"Sure we could go for a short drive. Is there anywhere in particular that you would like to go?"I asked as we walked back to Lunaris.

Once we all were in the truck Luna sat in the sleeper in front of the fireplace. After a few minutes she said, "thine feline tis extraordinarily calm."

"I would be very surprised if he wasn't," I said.

"Why is that?" Celestia asked.

"He's dead." Celestia and Luna looked very shocked but didn't believe me. "The spark of his life has been smothered in shades." They still looked confused. "His spirit is gone and his stench remains." I laughed as I watched their looks of confusion turn to looks of horror.

"How can thou sayth such a thing about thine cat?!"

"Easy I'm the one that snapped it's neck to put it out of its misery."

Author's Note

Das kleine Arschlochh komm. Bewegen Sie Ihren Arsch! Oh come on. Move your ass!
Was ist sie teufel? What is it she devil?
Hündin bitte. Bitch please.

Hoped you enjoyed.
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