Author's Note
Please note that I respect all beliefs. This story is meant for comedy, not to attack. So sit back and enjoy. If you are Mormon try not to take yourself to seriously. Please make sure to leave a like and follow if your feeling kinda frisky.
Grilled Mormons
*knock knock*
Twilight looked up from the kitchen table. Her coffee was still hot in her hooves. She had a long night trying to perfect a sleep potion for her insomnia. Ironically, it was the very thing that kept her awake that whole night. Needless to say, a knock at her door this early in the morning was not welcomed. She decided to ignore it and hope that whoever it was that they would go away.
*knock knock*
"Hello! Is anybody home?" A wheezy voice exclaimed.
"Yeah, someone's home. The kitchen light’s on," said the voice’s counterpart.
Twilight sighed. She was gonna have to start using the force field spell around her house again. She set her mug down and teleported to the door. She tried to rub the bags out from under her eyes and smooth out the cowlick in her mane. Even if it was 6:30 in the morning, a student of Princess Celestia always needed to look presentable.
She opened the door to a really weird sight. Two tall, young men with white collared shirts and black pants stood in her doorway. They had name tags, bikes, too much gel in their hair, and were holding black, leather cover books. Their smiles gave Twilight an uneasy feeling.
"Hello miss, we are with The Church of Jesus Christ and The Latter Day Saints. If it isn't too much trouble, would you like to hear about the good news?" The one with the orange hair and the name tag reading Elder Brice practically cheered.
"My name is Elder Smith and this is Elder Brice. We have this very excellent book that can teach you how to achieve eternal life." Elder Smith held aloft his book and held it out to Twilight.
She took it with her magic scowling at the young men. She flipped through a couple of pages perplexed because none of it made any sense at all.
"What in the world is this crazy book about? What do you mean good news? I thought that only the princesses were immortal. How in the wide wide world of Equestria could this book..."
Elder Brice cut her off. "We would be happy to explain any and all questions. Do you mind?" Elder Brice motioned inside the house.
Twilight couldn't think of any good reasons as to why she couldn't give these.... whatever they were a chance to explain why they were soliciting her at 6:30 in the morning.
They came in and took seats in the kitchen. Twilight took her mug of coffee and held close as if it were her lifeline. She also noticed that her strange visitors looked tired.
"Would you gentlemen like some coffee?" She asked, levitating the pot over to the table.
"Oh no we don't drink coffee," Elder Brice refused.
This truly bamboozled Twilight because to her, coffee was the greatest thing in the universe. Her being a night owl and such, it was her essential drink through many a long study night.
Twilight looked at the pair with a raised eyebrow as she put it back on the counter and took a seat.
"Here's a pamphlet," Elder Smith said, sliding over one of his Mormon brochures. Twilight started to examine this strange document.
"So," she said as she read their manuscripts, "I came across some pretty crazy stuff like this Jesus guy dying for my sins and his evil brother Satan, and something about a God creating everything. Oh and what's this sin thing? It says that we all have it and we all got it from some guy.
“Wait a minute, if I'm a pony, doesn't that mean I don't get this sin death curse thing? Better yet, what's this whole thing about Indian tribes and cursed dark skinned people?"
"That's just the tip of the iceberg. If you believe, work hard, and have lots of children, you can achieve the the third degree of heaven," Elder Brice said happily, ignoring Twilight’s concerns.
"Yeah, you and your husband can get your own planet and populate it. Like Adam did on earth," Elder Smith added.
"But I don't have a husband. Even if I did, wouldn’t trying that ultimately fail due to inbreeding destroying our gene pool?" Twilight asked.
"God can do anything," Elder Brice, his tone indicating that he was very serious.
Twilight thought for a second that he was bullsh*ting her, but all he did was sit there, staring at her. This was starting to get weird.
"So what about that black skin curse? Doesn’t that seem kinda racist?" She asked.
"Actually, God changed his mind about that. " Elder Smith interjected. “See, what happened was…”
Twilight shook her head in disbelief. "But that doesn't make any sense!!!"
"Well if you would try to have an open mind..."
"No!" Twilight stopped Elder Brice mid-sentence. She went over and picked a book off her library table and came back. It was a thick, ancient book with ruins and a bearded pony with a funny looking hat on the cover of it.
"This is Magical Energy Theory written by Starswirl the Bearded. It goes into detail about the physics and different energy waves behind magic. The author states in chapter five hundred and thirty eight that a single being, either ethereal or physical, that dwells in this reality/universe cannot possess an unlimited amount of manipulative energy as it would break the ninth law of kinetic sorcery.” She opened the book and put it in the faces of the pair. “Science says your book is a load of hooey. I don't know what this God is or why his son is dying but the very concept is bogus and archaic," she said, fuming.
"You know that it's only a theory right," Elder Smith replied, trying to slip past the brick wall of knowledge he didn't understand. "In fact I heard he secretly believed in God and denounced everything he ever said.”
Twilight almost blew a gasket. "That's not true!!! I have studied history. Even if that were true, we have built our entire knowledge about magic, monsters, and every part of natural science around his "theories". Do you even know what a scientific theory is?!" Her voice was growing louder. The Elders badmouthing her hero was just too much.
"But look around you. Everything you see proves he is real. Are you going to "believe that sorcery scientist guy?" Elder Smith chimed in.
"What? Are you joking? What in tartarus kind of argument is that?" Twilight was nearing her limit with these buffoons. Her coffee had not been touched and the lack of caffeine only added to her deteriorating state of patience.
"Well, you just gotta have faith." Elder Brice tried to pat Twilight’s shoulder resoundingly.
She swatted it away. "Faith." Her look of loathing would have burnt throughout the skulls of less thicker men, but these ones seemed resistant. "Get the f*ck out of my house, you morons!" The perfect student of Princess Celestia was gone. Her tolerance was a zero and she didn't care.
The orange haired cretin was desperate. "But miss, we only do what we do because we love you."
"Yeah, and we don't want you to be cast into the Outer Darkness," Elder Smith held out his book. "Please let the divine providence take you!"
They backed up to the door that Twilight was ushering them out of. Infuriated, she started charging a stun spell.
Elder Brice made the mistake of turning around. "If you would only reconsider... BLAH!!"
The purple mare shot him through the window beside the door. He landed hard, near his bike.
"Get out!!!" Twilight started firing at Elder Smith.
He dove behind the door just as three laser beams burned through the door where he was just standing. He crawled military style over to his comrade.
"Are you alright Elder?"
"A couple of cuts and bruises, but the Lord is looking out for me."
"Let's get to the bikes."
The messengers for God ran to their bikes, being careful as to not get hit by the barrage of deadly lasers coming from the screaming unicorn behind the door frame. They rode away as fast as they could. Elder Brice saw a door flying at them.
"Oh dear."
*knock knock*
Princess Celestia was in the dining hall, munching on her delicious waffles when she heard the knock. The regal ruler looked at the door expecting one of the servants to get it.
*knock knock*
"Urgh, do I have to do everything myself?" The princess strode to the door and opened it, revealing two creatures in white collared shirts and black pants. One had his arm in a sling and the other had tape over his eyebrow and swollen lip.
"Hello miss, we are with The Church of Jesus Christ and The Latter Day Saints. If it isn't too much trouble, would you like to hear about the good news?"
