The Quest for Muffins

Derpy Hooves hummed as she flew through the clear sky. She often did so whenever she had to fly a long way. It helped her deal with the boredom such long flights produced, and humming wasn't as loud or as obvious as singing tended to be. Derpy often thought about singing whenever she hummed, but those thoughts never really went anywhere other than very noisy showers.

She wasn't really angry about the lack of muffins in Sugarcube Corner. A little annoyed, perhaps, but not mad. She had, after all, learned to manage her temper in those anger management classes. It was just that Sugarcube Corner never seemed to run out of cupcakes, but they ran out of muffins almost every other month. Derpy thought that if Pinkie Pie liked muffins as much as cupcakes, Sugarcube Corner would probably never run out of them.

The truth was that Pinkie Pie liked muffins just as much as cupcakes, but muffins took slightly longer to make. Of course, Derpy did not know this.

Derpy decided to discuss the issue with Pinkie the next time she saw her.

A short time later, Derpy landed outside of Canterlot. She trotted through the large gate to the city, made her way to the first street she saw, and stopped. She squinted as she tried to remember the layout of the city. She lifted a hoof to her chin, stopped humming her little tune, tilted her head to the right, and thought about the last time she had visited the place. Her last visit hadn't been too long ago, but enough time had passed to make the memory fuzzy and hard to reach. Derpy slowly remembered a very strange talk she'd had with Lyra Heartstrings in the city during her last visit.

The green unicorn had told her all about some job at a research laboratory, or something like that. Derpy remembered that it had been a very interesting conversation, but she couldn't remember just what it was that made it interesting, or what it had to do with finding a bakery. Science was a good thing, but muffins were more important to Derpy.

Keeping a hoof under her chin, the gray pegasus sat down on the street, closed her eyes, and stuck out her tongue. A few of the 'upper-class' unicorns looked at her like she was out of her mind. They did not recognize the universal thinking pose when they saw it, for they had never really thought that much. Other ponies, ones who were not considered 'nobles', saw Derpy in the thinking pose and nodded respectfully, recognizing a great thinker when they saw one.

Think, Derpy thought to herself. Think, think, think. There's a bakery here somewhere... What was it called again? Robot Bill's? Merry Treats? No, no, it was... it was...

A glowing light bulb appeared suddenly over Derpy's head. She opened her eyes, and looked at it for a moment. Then, she remembered.

***

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle was trying to figure out just what had happened to a new light bulb. She had just pulled it out of the box, and was just about to screw it into a socket when she sneezed. When she recovered, the light bulb was gone. She called her assistant, Spike, into the room, and the two of them started looking for the little bulb.

***

Donut Drops? Derpy thought. Easy Cooker? No... Donut Pretzel? Donut... Donut something. It's Donut something.

Donut Joe's? Yeah, that's it! The bakery's called Donut Joe's! Derpy grabbed the light bulb with her mouth, and placed it in a pouch on her mailbag.

Derpy had never had a chance to visit Donut Joe's bakery, but Derpy knew that every bakery had to have muffins, because if it didn't have muffins it wasn't a real bakery, and the pony in charge wasn't really a baker.

Derpy hoped that Donut Joe was a real baker.

Donut Joe was not a real baker. As a matter of fact, Joe had never made a single muffin in his entire life. He liked muffins as much as he liked filing tax returns, and he liked filing tax returns as much as he liked visiting his crabby uncle.

Donut Joe was a not-quite-brown-but-not-quite-yellow unicorn whose name had been a silly joke his father had made. The only items he ever made in his bakery were donuts, and cups of coffee. Donut Joe thought that it was rather obvious that he did not make anything other than donuts and coffee, and was annoyed by how many ponies did not know this simple fact. He had been so annoyed, he had put up a sign in his shop's window that read, "I sell donuts and coffee, and nothing else."

Joe was then annoyed at how many ponies never read that sign and continued to ask him for things he did not make. He would often ask those ponies if they had read the sign, and they would tell him that no, they hadn't. Joe would then sigh, and explain to those ponies that if they had bothered to read the sign, they would know that he did not sell anything other than donuts and coffee. Those ponies would then look like they had made a great scientific breakthrough, nod their heads, and walk out of his shop.

Donut Joe did not like those ponies.

His greatest hope was that one day somepony would read the little cardboard sign and tell him that while they had been hoping to get a muffin, they would gladly settle for a donut and a cup of coffee. He thought that if one more pony came into his shop and asked him for something that was not a donut or a cup of coffee, he would scream.

Derpy Hooves did not notice the little cardboard sign stuck in the window of Donut Joe's shop. With a big smile and a rumbling tummy, Derpy pushed the door to Joe's bakery open and walked in. She made her way around the tables set up in the little shop, and trotted up to the counter where Donut Joe was standing.

Donut Joe's left ear folded back a little. Postal workers never walked into his shop, for Joe's shop did not get any mail other than a monthly bill, so it was a little confusing for him to see a wall-eyed, gray and blond pegasus wearing the blue jacket and cap of a postal worker walk into his shop. Joe wondered if the postal service was anything like the police force, which loved to eat donuts and was his biggest source of revenue.

Derpy stood in front of the counter. Cheerfully, she asked Donut Joe a very simple question.

"Muffins?"

She was very confused when the not-quite-brown-but-not-quite-yellow unicorn behind the counter smashed his head into the counter, and started screaming.