MY LITTLE ACTION "HEROES": VIOLENCE IS MAGIC

by InkedPosterior

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 5150

In a world full of pretty ponies and friendship, four engines of havoc wreck a trail of destruction across the nation. This summer, only one Princess can save her land, SO PREPARE FOR FRIENDSHIP, PREPARE FOR ONE-LINERS, PREPARE FOR ACTION!!!

In a world where violence reigns supreme and the only things a man can trust are his guns, his guts, and his black best friend, two bonafide men of action try to stop a madman from destroying the nation and killing the hostages. Unfortunately, in the violent scuffle that ensued, they damaged a device integral to the plot and as a result were all cast down into a land filled with harmonious horses.

Now trapped in a land that is the exact opposite from the world that they hail, they must learn to do the impossible to get home......They must get along with each other....WITHOUT VIOLENCE. This summer watch four manly men and a whole bunch of pretty ponies live, learn, and laugh together as they begin to understand what life really means.
NOTETOAUDIENCESMOSTOFTHESECONDPARAGRAPHISALIE,VIOLENCESENSUESANDTHEPLOTWILLBEBROKENNOMATTERWHAT.

PREPARE FOR ACTION!

PREPARE FOR EMOTIONS!

PREPARE FOR EXPLOSIONS!

PREPARE FOR A BADLY DESIGNED PLOT THAT ONLY SERVES AS A BUFFER TO GET THE NEXT FIGHT GOING!

PREPARE FOR ACTION HEROES IN EQUESTRIA!

IMAGINE EXPLOSIONS HERE *KABLAMMMMMM* GUITAR RIFF! *EWWWWWOOWWOWW*

Published 2014-07-22 15:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-22 15:30:03 UTC

PROLOGUE: PUNCH THE PLOT

Author's Note

Please do not take this story seriously, for I will take great offense to that. Nothing matters here so long as you enjoy the sensations that these words bring to your mind as you slowly imagine the violence. Also feel free to question my grammar and sanity for I sometimes forget what I was writing while I am writing it, and then also proceed to forget to check the story at the end. As natural, send me a picture of an albatross in the comments section if you are immensely displeased and would like me to devote the rest of my life to studying the art of illiteracy, or a picture of bucket if you have been entertained. Also feel free to comment or mock me in the comments below so I may indulge in banter to amuse myself.

Alright, enough highly intellectual writing, its time for some mindless violence and maybe a plot if you squint hard enough.

PROLOGUE: PUNCH THE PLOT

MY LITTLE ACTION HEROES: VIOLENCE IS MAGIC

“Damnit Jack, you’re the only man who can stop Dr. Vile!”

“I’m retired, Colonel, or did you forget what happened two years ago.”

“Damnit Jack, that wasn’t your fault! There was no way you would have known that stopping the super weapon would kill Teresa and all those kindergarteners!”

Jack Justice stared at his former superior with dull but deep blue eyes. His messy golden mullet wiggled lifelessly as a breeze blew through the broken bar full of roughed up thugs. As Jack swallowed another full bottle of painkillers, and downed another shot of whiskey mixed with viper venom, he sighed a bitter sigh.

Colonel John Ripper looked on at his broken protégé, and he sighed too. This life is difficult even for men like them, hell, he would know, he lost his fair share too. His heart hardens at what he must do; he doesn’t want to wound the kid more than he already has been, but he must. For the greater good.

“If Teresa could see you now Jack, what you’ve become….”

Jack’s eyes closed and his face betrayed his pain. God he missed her. He missed her smile, he missed her dark sweet eyes, he missed long walks on a beach while fighting helicopters and sharks, and how she looked so gorgeous even when bullets and bombs were going off around them. He was so empty without her.

“I’m sorry Colonel, but I can’t. Sorry you wasted your time here.”

As Jack got up to prepare to leave through the shattered front door on his heavily customized chopper, with machine guns on the sides, and maybe a barbeque grill in front, the Colonel delivered the killing blow to Jack’s resolve.

“He has her sister. She was part of the original team sent in to negotiate with him. They’ve all been captured. And likely tortured”

Jack turns around, his face aghast with terror. No, not Teresa’s little sister. He promised Teresa he would protect her baby sister from being captured and tortured, on her dying breath. Jack couldn’t fail her again. He wouldn’t.

Turning around with previously unseen determination, Jack gritted his teeth and came back to address the Colonel.

“Where is she?”

To this, the Colonel simply grinned.

/9/

From what intelligence could tell, Dr. Vile’s base of operations is built within a dark spire contained with innocent hostages, Dr. Vile’s terrible Doomguard, and an anti-material shield. To make matters worse he promised to execute the hostages (He might do that anyway) and fire off his cache of stolen nukes at the capital of the nation if he senses military action.

Jack was to be dropped in during the dead of night, so that he could stealthily sneak into the spire, disable the nukes, free the hostages, and end Dr. Vile. Jack scoffed; he’s been through this dance enough times to know that it is never that easy. There was always another unseen laser alarm, hidden trap, or a last minute betrayal that awaited him.

He just had to fight his away around all that.

Jack checked his equipment one last time: He brought a machine gun, two magnums, a shotgun, a machete, five other smaller knives, a shovel, three grenades, a few packs of C-4, a hamster with triggered explosive tied to its tail, and a tragic picture of him and Teresa smiling.

He was ready. It was time to knock on Dr. Vile’s door.

/9/

It was a quiet night around the dark spire. The Doomguards of Dr. Vile stood around crackling evilly to each other. They had completed the daily flogging torture of the hostages and finally finished the starving portion of the torture as well. They needed to move onto patrols now.

Two unnamed guards stood watch at the guard post. Nothing was to get past them.

“Hey Carl?”

“Yeah Steve?”

“Do you ever get tired of being evil?”

“Kinda but not entirely, why?”

“I mean, our lives are just so repetitive. We wake up, torture the hostages, make a bunch of threats, and then lose our daily skirmish with the local resistance. We don’t even have a practice field to learn how to use these advanced laser rifles. I can’t hit the broad side of a barn’s door with this thing.”

The suddenly less likely to die henchmen named Steve looked at his equally less likely to die counterpart Carl with great confusion.

“But Carl, think about the benefits. Without the dental plan, health insurance, and monthly pay how are you supposed to get your kids through school? How am I supposed to pay for my ma’s treatments? We ain’t doing evil for fun here, this is honest to god work that we are trying to achieve, for the greater good of our families.”

“I guess your right Steve, it’s just hard to keep focused with all this senseless violence. God I wish there was a better way for us to earn out living that this.”

“I get you Carl, hang in there, and remember that this is your last tour.”

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!

Before Steve, the now-not-likely-to-die henchman, could react, the front gate of the spire exploded into a million pieces. Because it was Carl’s last tour, all the shrapnel from the explosion naturally flew into him. Steve was completely unscratched.

“CARRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Steve howled like wolf with diarrhea as he held his best friends bleeding corpse to his chest. “How could this have happened?” He thought, “Carl was so close to retiring for real. This cruel universe must pay! THE ONE WHO DID THIS MUST PAY!”

This was the last thought through Steve’s mind as he was promptly beaned over the back of his head.

WHACK!

All the other guards gasped when they saw the man that emerged from the smoke was none other than Jack Justice, Bane of Villains and Crusher of Groins.

“THAT’S JACK JUSTICE!”

“GOD HELP US!”

“I HEARD HE WAS DEAD!”

“WHERE THE HELL IS THAT GUITAR RIFF COMING FROM?”

“I HEARD HE RETIRED!”

“I HEARD HE WAS ACTUALLY A WOMAN!”

All heads turned to the mook who said the last sentence.

“What! Its just something I heard.”

The head Doomguard swallow his fear and called out to his men. They could do this.

“MEN! There is only one of him and eighty of u-”

PUNCHSTABBERY!

The head Doomguard looked down in disbelief as he saw a muscular arm impaled right through his chest before tearing his heart out and crushing it in front of him.

Jack chuckled darkly. “Only seventy nine now.”

The rest the Doomguard immediately recoiled in shock and horror as chaos erupted in the base. They knew their doom had come.

Desperate to fight back, ten Doomguards charged Jack one at a time. As the first guard charged Jack, a machete quickly bisected him, he barely had time to scream as Jack grabbed his intestines and pulled them out of his decapitated body. With hands like lightning, Jack tied his the machete around the intestines and using his newly modified weapon as a Kusarigama.

His swung the intestined blade at sonic speeds as he unleashed hell upon his helpless foes. The other nine guards were utterly obliterated in a matter of seconds as the whirlwind of destruction came unto them. Their blood and organs flew all over the walls and their fellow guards, demoralizing them further.

Seeing that the charge against Jack had failed, the other sixty-nine of the guards quickly opened fire upon him. Jack just stood still and glared at them. This was not the best idea in hindsight.

“WHY CAN’T WE HIT HIM!?”

“GOD THESE LASER GUNS SUCK!”

“I WANT MY MOMMY!”

“I HOPE MY INSURANCE PAYS OFF!”

“WHEN I REINCARNTE, I WANT TO BE A BUTTERFLY!”

As the lasers impacted harmlessly around the muscular avatar of death, the henchmen were beginning to have second thoughts about this plan. They were proven right when their guns clicked, signaling that they were empty. Jack grinned a terrible grin and unsheathed his giant machine gun.

“My turn.”

Bullets filled the air, nowhere was safe. Ten…Twenty…Thirty… Doomguards were filled full of lead. The remaining thirty-nine of the guards hugged cover and for once were grateful that their uniforms were brown and waterproof on the inside as well.

Then, the shooting stopped, and silence reigned supreme.

The Doomguards remaining were terrified; there was blood, bullet casings, and guts everywhere. The one thing that was missing was Jack himself. He had simply disappeared.

One of the braver Doomguards stepped out into the open. He looked around scanning his surroundings, trying to find the monster that was most definitely still lurking out there.

“Does anyone se-”

Crunchsplatter!

The poor, brave fool didn’t even get to finish his sentence as a fist erupted through his mouth from behind. His friends stared on with horror and despair.

And Jack whispered at them. “Boo.”

The guards lost all stomach for fighting and tried to run, but they were cut down from behind as Jack tore the ribs out the dead guard in his hands and broke bits of rib off to throw into their backs.

The sounds of slaughter grew louder and until it stopped. Jack stood alone in a room that was once full of men, atop a hill of organs and corpses.

Then the loudspeaker boomed. And a deep vile voice emerged.

“Ah, you must be Jack Justice. I must say, I am impressed on how you infiltrated my base. Tell me, how did you get past my shielding?”

Jack pulled out a shovel.

“Dug under it.”

“And did you really have to blow up my front gate?”

Jack shrugged.

“Couldn’t find the doorbell, so I decided to knock.”

“And I see you’ve decided to slaughter most these hapless fools.”

“Nothing personal, just Justice.”

Dr. Vile cringed, god he hated terrible puns. He’d be sure to torture Jack for that alone later.

“I suppose you would like me to surrender.”

Jack snorted and spat.

“I wouldn’t like you to do shit. If you tell me where the hostages held I might not ram my fist so far up your ass that you learn how to crap through your face holes.”

Dr. Vile made a mental note to tighten the plating around his rear on his battle suit later.

“Well, I could do that, but that would spoil all the fun wouldn’t it.”

Jack gritted his teeth as Vile continued on.

“Right now, I estimate that you have about ten minutes to disable the nukes, which is coincidentally the same amount of time the hostages and their have to live with the poison gas spreading and all. Well, I have to go now Jack, it’s been fun but I need to go do actual important things now. Enjoy your Sophie’s choice.”

And with that, Vile turned off the speaker.

Jack smirked to himself and made his way to the nukes. Disable the nukes? Did Vile think he was an amateur? Why the hell would he try to disable a nuke when he could just cut its missiles fuel line and let the shield contain the blast?

/9/

As Steve slowly began to awake, he felt the back of his head throbbing and a lump forming. He sluggishly trudged to his feet while trying to maintain his balance, and then promptly lost his dinner at the sight before him.

Gore, blood, and organs decorated every corner of the room. The dead were piled up into a hill. The destruction done to the base was immense as craters and debris covered the floor.

Steve finished venting his stomach onto the floor when he heard a noise. It was like a whisper for his name.

“St—ste—Steve.”

He followed the noise and was brought to his knees by what he saw.

It was his other best friend Joe. He was bisected in half, and his intestines were missing. Steve took Joe into his arms trying hard not to let the tears in his eyes escape.

“ss—stev- cough listen….. I’m dying Steve...”

“No….no….don’t say that, I’ll get you help.”

“Its too late Steve, he took my intestines, there is no getting better from that cough l-listen, you need cough need to get this letter to my wife. Its what I’ve been saving up so that we could cough go to the Bahamas. I can’t do that now, but at least this can help support her for a cough whil-while. Please, te-tell her that I l-l-l-lo-lov--”
DIES

Steve let a single tear out of his left eye.

“Don’t worry Joe, I will. You rest easy now.”

“St—ste—Steve.”

Steve’s eyes shoot up trying find where the sound came from and what he saw made his heart drop even lower. It was his henchmentor, Colin, and he was shot to hell.

No….Not Colin too…. Thought Steve.

“Steve Cough listen cough Cough COUGH. I may not have much time here Steve so here take this,” He pulled out a bloodied knife from under him. “I always saw you as the son I never had Steve cough. I want you to have this, as a sign of how proud I am of you.”

Steven didn’t know what to say, all he could do was weep.

“Bu—but Colin……I didn’t do anything but get knocked out.”

Colin smiled and reached up to wipe away Steve’s tears.

“Yes cough yes you did kid. You survived….” DIES

Steve held onto Colin’s corpse and cried for a good while until he heard another noise.

“Stavv—stavag—Stavvgeerrr.”

Steve crawled up and vomited again at what he saw. It was “Funny” Freddy, who was now missing all his teeth and had a clear hole through the back of his head. How was he supposed to tell jokes now?

“STaggg Cough liasaggerr… I havaggger alwaygger logger yodd. I wigag alwaddd loggg yoagd…….edan in dagth….” Dies

“NO! Freddy, please, I didn’t even understand what you said, don’t die yet.”

But it was too late. Freddy was gone, and Steve was absolutely alone with his only his growing despair to keep him company.

But then he heard several more noises around him. A few dozen more to be exact

“St—ste—Steve.” Mumbled Johan.

“St—ste—Steve!” Cried Ryan.

“St—ste—Steve!” Called out Philip

Steve felt himself get sick all over again.

/9/

“Red wire…blue wire…what wire.” Mocked Jack as his began to slice through the fuel lines to the missiles. Though that would stop the nukes from being launched, it won’t stop the detonation. He would need to move fast.

As he run back up the same bland metal corridors back the way he came from to get to the hostages. To his surprise however, a large group a prisoners burst through the door and behind them he could hear a voice.

“—HURRY SUCKAS! THIS WAY TURKEY! COME ON MOVE IT!”

And then Teresa’s emerged, eyes on Jack’s as the world turned to slow motion. Jack felt his heart break all over again. She had grown up to look just like her sister; she even had her eyes. Wait, what was her name anyway, he always just knew her as Teresa’s sister. And then she was gone; out of his sight as a giant Afro blocked his view of her, forever derailing that plotline.

Jack eyes grew wide and he gasped out. “Apollo?”

The equally muscular dark skinned man gave him a grin and laughed out loud.

“Well….well….well, look who finally crawled out of the bottle. Still stuck up on the past Jackie boy?” Mocked Apollo.

Jack scoffed and retaliated, “Still helpless without me Apollo?”

Apollo took the jab in stride and offered Jack his powerfully muscled right arm for a good firm man-shake. Jack wasted no time in gripping his friend’s open hand. Their hardened man-meat collided so hard from the handshake that the glass around them exploded.

“Still got it Jack.”

“Still got it Apollo.”

“Hell, man, after her funeral you just dropped off the face the earth! I spent months looking for you, where you disappear to man?”

“Small bar down in middle of the Pacific, far away from all this. What happened to you? How did you get involved with this negotiation business? And more importantly how did these hostages get captured under your watch?

Apollo grimaced. “I hate to say it Jack, but I’m getting too old for this shit. One minute I’m kicking ass and taking names, and the next minute I got a headache, a heart problem, an’ a burning around my “python”, and before I know it, I done passed out in the Jungle and them fools took the negotiators as hostages.”

Jack smiled sadly at his friend, “Don’t worry Apollo, when we finish here we’ll go get you a good doctor for you for your head and heart. Last one shouldn’t be too hard cause I think it’s an STD, but lets check just to be sure. Now how bout we stick it to the man together, one more time, just like old times?”

Apollo could dig that.

“Hell yeah! We back in business!” Apollo’s face sudden contorted into concern. “Hey Jack, wasn’t there like….nukes or some shit around here?”

Jack felt the urge to smack himself in the face. “Yeah…we better hurry.”

/9/

As Dr. Vile began to put on his battle suit, he reminisced on all the people he put down over his long career of villainy. He had fought some truly frightful foes, ranging from the “Mad” Charlie Cleaver to the more cunning William Guile.

Despite their skills and capabilities he had always come out on top, and it was always due to one thing: understanding. He knew his enemies well, he knew himself well, and every time he was about to lose, he knew how to run. He could say that knowing was half the battle; the other half was murdering the other fool.

He felt like he was at a loss today, with Mr. Justice coming out his alcohol induced exile and the violent slaughter of his fodder, he decided that he really should consider a way out of this mess in case this all does go south.

He activated his teleporter hidden within his desk, and surveyed the room again. Hardened glass windows, dim lights, marble floor, mahogany walls, and many breakable objects. Something was however lacking.

Vile turned on his disk player and upbeat tunes filled the room. He smirked, and got in position.

If nothing else, this will at least be a classy fight. Besides there is no way this could go wrong with his easily damaged teleporter hidden in his fragile desk.

As Apollo and Jack made their way untoward the top of the spire by way of elevator and an explicably direct path, Jack felt unnerved. He was still waiting for the main portion of Vile’s troops show up, or at least another trap.

As the elevator doors open again, there was nothing impeding their progress; not even a closed door, they could see Vile sitting behind his desk a few meters away.

Dread shot up in Jack’s stomach. Nonetheless he moved forward, following Apollo closely.

Dr. Vile stood before them, his baldhead sticking out of his silver armor. He looked like he was almost in his fifties but he had a fabulous mustache that curved like two army sabers, and they were blacker than midnight. Jack understood that this was a sign of truly competent villainy.

Few villains were able to live long enough to lose all the head on their hair, but also have enough time in the day to groom the hair on his face. He was dealing with a capable veteran here so he had to be careful.

“Ahhhhh, Mr. Brown and Mr. Justice, welcome to my office. Right now you must be wondering why I don’t have more guards, and why this is so easy for you two so far. Well, wonder no more, as I Dr. Tobias Vile, have allowed you to come so far.”

Apollo gazed in disbelief and spat out at Vile. “Say what! You crazy or just suicidal, you mad turkey?! I don’t believe yo’ gibba jabba one bit, so we are givin you one chance to lie down and kiss the floor before I put my boot up yo’ ass.

Jack agreed vehemently. “Doctor, we got you outnumbered and outmuscled, save us the trouble and just give up.”

Dr. Vile gave a truly sinister smile. “Exactly my point gentlemen, there are two of you and only one of me. So I clearly hold the advantage.”

Both Apollo and Jack shared a look of horror at the realization that he was right. They charged him anyway.

As Dr. Vile prepared to collide with the two ripped men, he gave a smirk and they went right into, and through him. They were thoroughly confused at what had transpired.

Jack was then immediately beset upon from his side by a vicious kick to the gut and kinetic boosted punch to the face that sent him flying into Apollo.

Vile took this moment to gloat, out of respect for tradition. “Surprised children? Don’t be, with this new prototype armor that I hacked off the internet from the CIA’s darkest corners, I have created the perfect weapon capable of projecting both holograms and enhancing my body.” Vile demonstrated his capabilities by making holograms of himself appear everywhere.

Jack spat blood and a swallowed cigar out his mouth. “Don’t matter, we’re going to kick your ass anyway.”

Jack quickly used a much more cunning approach to his problem, as he began to shoot at everything around him. He did not take into account that the real Vile was behind him and bashed him over the head with a chair.

Apollo rushed in to help his best friend with a vicious combo of three lighting fast jabs to the face, ten hooks to the temple and ribs, a massive uppercut into the chin, and a dozen head-butts into the groin. Dr. Vile simply backhanded him away like he was nothing.

Apollo felt hellfire surge through his vein. Ain’t no one ever gonna bitch-slap him and get away with it.

Jack supported Apollo with both his magnums while Apollo zoomed ahead with a stunning speed.

Dr. Vile displayed his arms plasma cannon for the first time and fired. He barely missed Apollo as a good portion of the room exploded, but no one was hurt, cause it would ruin the moment.

Vile hit a few buttons on his hand the room filled up with holograms that surrounded the two best buds.

At that moment Jack and Apollo thought the exact same thing.

“BACK TO BACK!”

And there they stood, backs facing each other swinging at the holograms.

Dr. Vile tried to find an opening but was crestfallen to find that the men were completely defended. They had their backdoors covered. He didn’t see the fist coming from behind.

POW!

“What….how….you were right in front of me!”

Apollo smirked. “I’m just that fast fool.”

Growling Vile quickly got back on his feet and resumed the fight just in time for Jack to swing a snapped metal bar right between his legs from behind him.

Wonk!

Dr. Vile quickly tossed both men away and kneeled down to massage his thankfully armored dangly bits. He could still win this; he still had the advantage over them because of his numerical inferiority.

His hopes were quickly ruined, when one of his somehow still living henchmen came in and tackled Jack from behind while screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs.

“GIVETHEMBACKGIVETHEMBACKGIVETHEMBACK!” Roared Steve, the incredibly mad while he tried to stab Jack with his new knife.

Dr. Vile realized with help on his side, this was now a fair fight. He hated fair fights.

“You fool, what are you doing!”

Apollo immediately kicked Steve in the face, but it was ineffective for Steve had gone into a vengeful rampage. Only an equally angry, or vicious opponent could hurt him.

And then, it happened.

With all his might, Jack threw Steve into Vile’s conveniently placed desk, also conveniently containing Vile’s teleporter.

Time began to slow for Vile as he desperately dived after his flying henchmen but he was too late. While Vile cursed the plot gods, Steve rammed right into the desk, splintering it into a million pieces, making the teleporter malfunction, and throwing them into a tear in their reality. It was totally unexpected.

This was a good thing as the nuke everyone forgot about exploded a few seconds later.

/9/

It was just another peaceful day in Canterlot palace.

Princess Celestia was having tea with her younger sister, Princess Luna. It was something she did not get to very often considering their differing hours and lack of leisure time so she planned to make full use of her time with Luna.

“Tia, Tis rare for us to be able to spend such uninterrupted time together.”

“I understand wh--” RIIIIPPPPPPPP

And with that rip in reality, the peaceful day was ruined.

The Princesses’ were struck still by terror and confusion as four mad ape-like creatures came out in a vicious brawl.

“TAKE THAT SUCKA!”

“YOU FOOL!”

“GET OFFA ME”!

“GIVETHEMBACKKKKKKKK!”

The royal guards quickly rushed up to protect their rulers, but were quickly damned to a horrid fate as the brawl moved closer to them.

Flash Sentry felt his life flash before his eyes as, Steve, in a fit of pure madness, decided to pick him because he was nearby and use him as a blunt weapon against Jack.

Jack realizing his predicament understood his only way out was to fight fire with fire, and picked up a pony-weapon of his own. Sour Onion began to cry as was retched off the ground.

SMACK

SMACK!

SMACKKKK!!!

Sharp sounds echoed across the room as pony met pony head on. Both Jack and Steve showing no exhaustion continued to duel each other with extra vigor and more forceful blows.

The princesses themselves weren't doing much better as Apollo and Vile had broken into a high-speed melee around them.

Before either princess could react, Dr. Vile took hold of Celestia’s head with a death grip and tried to skewer Apollo on her horn. Apollo saw what he was doing and quickly took hold of Luna’s head and deflected Vile’s blow. Vile retaliated by unleashing a high-low-low combo of slashed which were blocked and countered by two middle stabs and a massive overhead strike.

The banter between hero and villain that followed was inevitable.

“HAH! Take that you cur.”

“That the best you got. Hell, I thought you were some kind of badass villain. Now I know where all your hair on yo’ went; you cut all off so you could glue some hair to yo’ nuts.”

“HOW DARE YOU! TAKE THIS.”

“HA!, Yo’ limping wuss style ain’t no match for my Tiger Blade kung fu.”

“RAGGGHHHH!”

TINK

TINK!

TINK!!!

TINKTINKTINKTINKTINKREPETITVETINK

The Princesses cried out in agony repeatedly and were in no condition to deal with the rapidly escalating circumstances. Everything was then interrupted by the timely arrival of Princess Twilight Sparkle, who stared onwards in shock.

“Wha—whats going on here?”

Dr. Vile immediately saw the purple horse as his way out of this decaying mess and made a massive leap onto Twilight’s back. Kicking Twilight’s flank hard to spur her on, he demanded that she move.

“HEYAH! HEYAH HORSE! HEYAH!”

And with a squeal Twilight flew off in confusion and terror. But this did not mean Apollo was stopped. With a determined glance at the now freed Celestia, Apollo mounted her, grasped her horn with both hands, and yanked hard. Luna sputtered in indignation.

“THAT BITCH AIN’T GETTING AWAY! HEYAH WHITE ONE! HEYAH!”

But the now impossibly furious Celestia did not move. Before Apollo could react he was blindsided by an equally pissed Luna, and had his first taste of the Royal Canterlot Voice. (Along with the first of many bucks he will receive.)

“GET THE BUCK OFF MY BUCKING SISTER YOU GUTLESS BUCK!”

And with that, she bucked him in the face hard.

When Apollo landed, he immediately cried out to his friend.

“Jack! The horse turkeys be hostile!”

Jack barely acknowledged that for he was now in a duel to the death and currently engaged in a “pony-lock” with Steve. Both Flash Sentry and Sour Onion screamed in the purest agony as their bodies were forced together further.

They felt bones crack and muscles tear. The rest the guards couldn’t get a hit in, try as they might, for the flurry of blows between Steve and Jack was just too rapid and brutal. They could only watch as two of their own where smashed into each other, over and over and over.

Celestia took a deep breath and looked around. The room was destroyed, Twilight was kidnapped by the same maniac that had used her as a sword to fence with his lunatic of a opponent, and then that lunatic decided to ride her by handling her horn in the most repulsive fashion.

In the background she could hear Luna desperately trying to separate Flash Sentry and Sour Onion from the limbs of these beasts before they were killed.

Celestia felt something snap inside of her.

Celestia summoned all her strength and cried out to the one she felt was responsible for this mess with a primal cry as all action in the room stopped in awe of her fury.

“DISCORD…..DISCORD……..DISCOOOOOORRDDDDDDD!”

And with that, a certain Draconequus shat himself all over Fluttershy’s couch….

NEXT TIME ON MY LITTLE ACTION HEROES:

“You will obey me purple horse! OR I WILL RIP THE PHALLUS FROM YOUR HEAD!”

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO MY KINGDOM! TO MY PEOPLE”

“You killed them Jack….. you killed them all….”

“Its times like these that I ask myself…..what would Freud do.”

“Holy Shit, Jack, them horses be sentient.”

“I want my goddamn whiskey and painkillers.”