Interdimensional Council of Doctors

by Bombastic Bookpony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Crossover, Human
Length: 2115

When a portal opens up, Horse MD is sent to exchange medical information with others. They... don't.

It was a random day in Equestraia when a portal opened up in Canterlot, leading to other dimensions. After making peace with the other dimensions, Celestia decides she wants to know more about the biology of the creatures, sending the best doctor in Equestria, Horse MD, to an interdimensional medical conference. In response, the other dimensions send in their "best" doctors and very little medical info is exchanged. Instead, a debate over the validity of pants, inquires of synthetic humor, rants, and overall craziness occurs.

Random crossover between MLP and Scrubs, Mass Effect, Doctor Who, and 30 Rock. Yeah.

Published 2012-04-13 02:44:22 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-13 02:44:22 UTC

The Five Doctors

Horse MD could hardly contain his excitement. Five new dimensions, filled with different variations of "humans" who may have who knows how many subtle differences between them and two new species altogether, each having sent their best doctors, and he was chosen to talk with them! He was admittedly a bit nervous, which was why he was standing behind the door they were waiting in, trying to ready himself. What if these doctors outclassed him? What if they thought him a fool? Alright, Horse, do not freak yourself out. You deserve this. This is a wealth of new scientific info! He suppressed the urge to squee like a doctor who did not have his discipline and class, and opened the door.

"Hello my colleagues!" he exclaimed as he entered, walking to the round table that held them. "While we may look different, I believe that inside we have the same scientific, inquisitive souls. That was why we were chosen, after all." He took a seat at the head of the table. "I am Dr. Horse, MD," he introduced, pointing to himself. He heard a snort to his closest left, and turned to see who it was.

It was from what he had learned from his files a human, evidently male, with brown curly hair. Caucasian, wearing a white doctor's coat and a blue shirt underneath. A large grin was adorned on his face, which Horse guessed to be sarcastic. His blue eyes were lit with a manic glee. "Really? Really!? It's not enough that I'm forced to talk to a pony, it turns out his name is Dr. Horse. Newbie would be so jealous." He chuckled. "What, did your parents have a hard time thinking up a name? Was Artax, Spirit, Seabiscuit, and Miss Shining Sparkles already taken?"

Horse restrained himself from reacting angrily; perhaps this was how people introduced themselves in that dimension. The traditions of a society could look quite strange to an outsider after all. He forced himself to smile. "Ah, humor! A fine way of breaking the ice. You didn't give us a name, however."

"Dr. Cox."

A burst of giggles erupted from Horse's right, and Horse was forced to turn yet again. This doctor was a man with slick, greyish black hair; he was also wearing a white doctor's coat along with a brown tie and white shirt. There was something oddly off putting about the man. "See, it's funny, because his name sounds like Courtney Cox, the actress!" He bursted out into giggles again.

Dr. Horse was getting tired with all the chuckles and giggles. "And what is your name?" he asked shortly.

"Dr. Leo Spaceman," he answered, pronounced as Spacheman.

"Alright, moving on, who are you?" Horse inquired, asking the man in the chair behind Spaceman. This man was the strangest looking of the humans. Slick brown hair, a snazzy brown coat, and a magnificent bow tie adorned his body.

"Hello," he said in what Horse recognized as a Breton accent. He was waving at everyone. "I'm.... The Doctor."

Silence.

"Doctor.... Who?"

The man suddenly seemed very excited, bouncing around in his chair in an excited fervor. "You said it!" he yelled, pointing at Horse. "You're the first pony to have asked that. Talking ponies are new. Talking ponies also sound pretty fun. I should visit this 'Equestria' of yours, nice pun by the way, all nations should have punny names, but anyway I am The Doctor! The definitive article, if you will. You are a doctor, but I am The Doctor!"

Horse raised an eyebrow. This man was quite enthusiastic, although from his file he apparently wasn't a "man" persay, but a Time Lord. No outwardly differences from a human, but psychologically there were quite a few, such as having two hearts compared to a human's one. Perhaps that accounted for his high energy. Horse shrugged himself out of his thoughts. He looked beyond Cox, to the... creature behind him, looking and listening inquisitively to the whole table. While all the others at least looked human, he was a different sort entirety, reptilian in nature. At the top of the head laid a fringe on his right side, and a bump on the left, obviously it was the where the left fringe used to be. It was not his only scar. Several cuts decorated his red-and white face. His outfit too was strange; a white combat suit with red stripes clung to him, covering his whole body, and a large ring open at the front was around his neck. He and Horse were probably the weirdest looking to the humans. "And you are?"

The creature breathed in, and shook himself, obviously coming out of a deep reservoir of thought. "Dr. Mordin Solus. Sorry for drifting off. Behaviors of others interesting, especially Time Lord. Behavior, energy, and analytic looks disguised behind incessant talking quite similar to Salarians." he breathed in again. "Intriguing."

"Thank you! What can I say, intrigue comes naturally to me."

Dr. Horse smiled a little. Finally, a doctor who seemed just as interested and professional as he was. "Now, if we can get started...." he trailed off, waiting for any objections. "Good, who wants to ask a question first?" Mordin raised his hand. "Go ahead."

Mordin nodded. "Speaking patterns similar to humans in accent and pitch, and overall behavior does not seem too different as well. Leads me to ask; what are reproductive behaviors? Asexual, for reproductive purposes only, similar to Salarians, or similar to humans, for pleasure as well?"

Now that's a good question. "Well, we are as varied as humans are. We have heterosexuals, asexuals, homosexuals, etc. In fact, our homosexual population is quite large, and a large percentage of those who are attracted to to the opposite sex also lean towards the other." Dr. Cox raised a hand, his grin in full force. This can't be good. "Cox?"

"So many of you are at least bi-curious, right?" Horse nodded. "Man, the furries would love you guys! Just get a few cameras, sell the DVDs for 30$ a pop, and the money will be rooooling in!"

"That is a dirty stereotype!" Dr. Leo Spaceman interjected. "While there are some furries who do enjoy the sexual aspects of animals, many simply connect with animals, striving to be more like them. I however, am one of the sexual types so I must ask; you seem to be humans in pony forms. It stands to reason that the netherregions may-"

Horse's eyes widened as he realized where Spaceman was going. "NO! NonononononononoNO! We're still two completely different species!"

"But unless we test it, we can never truly know! I assure you, the pleasure is far from my mind. We must experiment FOR SCIENCE!" he cackled.

"NO!"

"I have heard the 'FOR SCIENCE' excuse many times over my years, but kinky pony sex is probably the 13th weirdest instance I've seen it used for. So, props!" the Doctor congratulated.

Dr. Spaceman sighed. "Well, this is awkward, and not for the reasons you think."

"I know I'm going to regret this till the end of my days and probably into the nothingness of the afterlife, my despair at whatever disgusting answer you give being the only physical thing in the otherwise peaceful abyss, buuut why else would it be awkward?" Dr. Cox had to question.

"Well, I'm not wearing pants." The others recoiled(except for Mordin, who was studying the odd acts of this man, and the Doctor, who was busy fiddling with his Sonic Screwdriver). "Don't act like that! I have boxers on! I'm not a deviant! I was running late, and I had to choose between getting my stethoscope or putting on pants. I chose the stethoscope, otherwise, I wouldn't look doctory enough. Plus, I figured you would say yes, and no pants would make it less of a hassle. I'm a doctor people; we all have to prioritize!"

"Ignoring social norms, no pants may be logically sound notion. Synthetic colleague said 'Pants are a structural weakness.'" Mordin inhaled. "Looking back, may have been joking; means it may be developing a personality. Implications..." Mordin inhaled again. "Unsettling."

Cox was beaming again, hands behind his head, obviously reveling in the sheer absurdity of it all. "Sooooo, to recap; we have a talking pony named Horse, a pervert who would be amazing friends with a surgeon I know, a doctor named The Doctor, and a talking lizard who sounds like he's never passed a grammar test in his life. For once, the guy named Dr. Cox isn't the weirdest guy in the room. I like it." Dr. Cox grinned even wider.

Horse slammed his head on the desk in frustration.

That was the most embarrassing conference of Horse's life. Sex talk, insults, general madness. Never. Again.

"Horse! Horse!" The Doctor called out as he was leaving. "Wait up!" He ran up to him. "I have a proposition for you. How would you like to see..... the universe?" He grinned.

".....What."

"I know, why not ask the others? Well, Spaceman's crazy, and as a rule of thumb nobody's who's crazier than me can be on the TARDIS, and Dr. Cox and Mordin would steal my thunder. You, though, are just boring and sane enough to be my companion!"

".....What are you talking about?"

The Doctor grabbed his hoof and looked off into the distance. "I can feel the planet moving beneath my feet, the galaxy ebb and flow. I can hear the tick tock, tick tock of time itself, of the universal clock. I can predict what another species billions of lightyears away is doing with 93% accuracy. And if you travel with me, I can show you species you've never dreamed of. Dogs with no noses, space whales, whatever is the craziest thing your mind can think of and I can show you something that blows it out of the water! That is what I can show you if you accept. A small taste of the universe, of the feeling of having all of it spread open to you like a fine lady." He turned to Horse, grinning. "What do ya say?"

Horse snatched his hoof away. "You, are as crazy as the rest of them!" He yelled before trotting off.

The Doctor shrugged. "Weird. That speech usually pulls them right in. Ah well, you take what you can get. Cox! Mordin!"

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt

"Premiering soon on BBC. The new season of Doctor Who," a gravely British narrator announced. "And his companions.... are out of this world. Returning villains...

It cuts to Cox staring down a group of Daleks fearlessly. "WE ARE YOUR DESTRUCTION, HUUUUUMAAAAAN. YOU EXIST BECAUSE WE ALLOW IT, AND YOU WILL BE EXTERRRRRRRMINATED BECAUSE WE DEMAND IT. WHERE IS YOUR FEAAAAAAAR?"

"That sounds... vaguely familiar," commented Mordin.

"You wanna know why I'm not scared? Why I'm not quivering in my boots, pissing my pants and hoping the Doctor will save me from the big mean Daleks?" He mock-pouted. "It's because you're old, dumbasses!"

".....EXPLAIN."

Cox smiled. "Gladly. You appear time after time, descending from the skies, yelling out 'Exterminate!' in that charming voice of yours, kill a few characters introduced in your very own attacks to make us scared instead of killing someone we actually care about, then The Doctor kicks your asses, he thinks you're extinct, then you pop right back up again! Rinse and repeat! And when we've faced living shadows who can take over your body, living statues that move incredibly fast whenever you blink so they can send you back in time ta kill you slowly, and more, well moving trashbins just don't cut it anymore!"

The Daleks are silent for a moment. Then, "DOCTOR. PLEASE INFORM YOUR COMPANION THAT WORDS CAN HURT. HURT LIKE A SONIC SCREWDRIVER."

"See! Totally stealing my angry rant thunder!" The Doctor grumbled to himself.

"Character examination...."

It shows the Doctor talking to Mordin. "Why do you travel with me, Mordin? Why not retire somewhere and, I don't know, eat seashells or research flies?"

Mordin inhaled. "First, think you've got those mixed up. Second, offensive either way. And third, like doing good. Saving lives, fighting evil, black and white. Genophage cured. Is my vacation." He breathed in again. "Plus, Mass Effect 3 endings awful. Will have nothing to do with them!"

"This season of Doctor Who is sure to be the most successful, greatest season yet..."

Bzzzzzzzzzzzt

"Turn that drivel off!" Dr. Horse yelled while other compatriots of the bar groaned in irritation. "That could've been me if I said yes! Instead, I'm only the most successful doctor in Equestria and make bucketloads of money!" He slammed his drink down. "Another pint!"