Chapters An Exerpt from the diary of Brian Dashell.
As knowledge of the existence of Equestria has now become common, it occurs to me that my records might someday be read by others, human and pony alike. Given that, I've decided that it's time to resume recording, especially with Scootaloo now living under my roof.
I expect that the first question anyone (or anypony) who has seen the cartoon will ask is, "just how bad were the Crusaders anyway? Surely the show was making them look bad." Well hypothetical reader, let me assure you that the last few months have taught me that, if anything, the show underplayed the fillies' catastrophic nature. Don't believe me? Okay, let me tell you about just the past week:
Monday: Scootaloo returns home from school coated in what I estimated to he her own body weight in tree sap, honey, tar, feathers, and sardines. When questioned, she would say only "Never prank a Griphon who's dating a Minotaur."
Tuesday: Scoots returns home early, with all of her hair, mane, tail, coat, everything shaved clean off. She is accompanied by two official looking ponies who are apologetic, but insist it was the only way to "Make sure we got all the radiation." I didn't ask. At least Twilight was able to magically regrow the hair that evening...
Wednesday: Tries to get a scale modeling cutie mark by constructing a ship in a bottle. Ends up trapped in the bottle herself. Oddly, the ship was built flawlessly.
Thursday: Imaginary friend 'Timmy' turns out to be a Spawn of Cthulu. Epic battle between it and the Elements of Harmony in my own back yard.
Friday: Purchases "Magical Mexicanter Jumping Beans" from Flim and Flam, apparently on their assurance that they would help her fly. They don't, of course, but they DO jump. A lot. We still haven't caught all of the ones that got away.
Saturday: Cutie Mark Crusader sleepover ("Yay!!!"). Things unusually calm until they start flipping channels and stumble across 'Tremors.' It took four hours to get them down off the roof.
Sunday: As I write this, one of the jumping Beans has germinated, resulting in a mile high beanstalk in the yard. Dashie flew up after the girls who immediately started climbing, with a shout of " Cutie Mark Crusaders Giant Slayers!"
So as you can see, together or alone, those fillies are a menace. And yet, all i have to do is think back to that night last month, when Scoots called me Dad as I tucked her in... I wouldn't trade this for anything. Now if you'll excuse me, I see the girls and Dashie headed down the beanstalk. Guess I'd better go chop it down before the giant follows them...
Twilight Sparkle stormed into the library, fuming. She angrily slammed the door behind her and screamed in exasperation. Why oh why had she and her friends agreed to do this fanfic? Well, actually she did know why. The decision had been made based off the manuscript for the first three chapters, which were well thought out, intelligently written, erudite, and featured a fascinatingly unique, non-cliche villain.
Then chapter four had arrived. And bought with it the superpowered Kryptonian Alicorn stallion Angus Mc.Uberbrony. Who had killed the villain with a single blow while shouting "BOOM!! HEADSHOT!!!" Who had then immediately did very not safe for work things with both princesses in the town square. At the same time. Who was even now engaged in a tryst with four of her friends...
Sighing, Twilight flopped back onto her couch and switched on the television. At least this fic came with modern technology. On the screen were a trio of stallions standing in front of a brick building in what Twilight guessed was Manehattan. They had a rather nerdy look, carried unusual equipment, and wore identical uniforms.
The first said "Are you troubled by overpowered original characters in your stories?"
"Oh yeah..." Twilight mumbled.
The second: "Do you experience feelings of dread upon seeing a fanfiction manuscript?"
"I do now." the unicorn complained.
The third: "Have you, or any of your friends, ever fallen head over heels for a badly written Mary Sue or Gary Stu?"
"Whoa..." Twilight whispered, getting interested.
The first stallion spoke again. "If the answer is yes then don't wait another minute. Pick up a quill and write to the professionals:"
"Suebusters!" All three said together.
"Our courteous and efficient staff is on call twenty four hours a day to serve all your out of character elimination needs."
"We're ready to write a fix-fic!" All three exclaimed.
A smirk slowly spread over Twilight's face. This was totally perfect. "Spike!" She shouted, "Take a letter..."
The Adventures of Baron Marechausen
It was a beautiful day across the land of Equestria. The bright sun shone down through a sky clear of clouds, a warm breeze wafted across the land, birds sang in their trees, and no ancient evils were about. In short, a flawless, perfect day. Unfortunately, it was also a weekday in September, meaning that all of the little colts and fillies were trapped inside schoolhouses, unable to enjoy it.
Of all the young ponies in Equestria, though, the one most annoyed was probably an Orange Pegasus in Ponyville. "This stinks..." Scootaloo complained to her friends as they walked back towards the school after lunch. "It's this nice at home on Earth today too! Two worlds of nice weather, and I'm stuck inside!"
"We all are Scoots." Apple Bloom said.
"And to make it worse, afternoon class today is math!" Scootaloo continued, getting a groan from both of the others.
But when they trotted through the door, the trio found something unexpected. Standing at the front of the classroom with Cherilee was an earth pony stallion. He was tall, regal, dressed in a powdered wig and elaborately appointed red cloak with gold trim. Though he looked rather old, there was a spring in his step, and an energy, that seemed more appropriate for a much younger pony.
"Class, can I have your attention!" Cherilee called out as the foals all found their seats, "I have a special surprise for you all! This charming gentlestallion is the Baron Proxy von Marechausen. The Baron is a famed adventurer who has traveled all around the world, and he's going to share some of his tales with us today."
The students all cheered, whether because they were genuinely interested or just happy to get out of math class. Cherilee indicated that she would be in the office room grading papers, and the Baron began to weave his stories.
At first, nothing seemed amiss. But around the one hour point, the older foals noticed that something was just... Off... About the stories they were hearing. Still, they had been taught respect and held their tongues.
Until...
The younger foals leaned forward, riveted by the story. "There I was!" Marechausen said, "Surrounded! Before me, a thousand Minotaurs. Behind, ten thousand changelings! To my left hoof stood a legion of gryphons, and to my right countless Kobolds! Even had I been a Pegasus, I had no recourse, for the sky was filled with angry dragons!"
"G... Gosh..." Dinky asked, "Did you... Die...?"
"Oh come on Dinky!" Scootaloo exclaimed, "If he died he wouldn't be here telling us the story!"
"Nopony could have escaped all that." Dinky insisted.
"Okay, okay... Let's find out." Rolling her eyes, Scootaloo said "Please answer Dinky's question. Did you die?"
"Yes. I did..."
"There. You see Dinky? What did I tell-" Scootaloo's head swung from Dinky to the Baron as his answer sunk in. "WHAT! ?!"
"If y'all are dead how'r yah tellin' this story?" Apple Bloom agreed.
Snips eyes opened wide. "Maybe he's a... Z... Zompony!!!"
"Fear not." Marechausen answered, "I am not a Zompony. Anymore..."
"Anymore?" Apple Bloom asked, one eyebrow raised.
"Allow me to finish. All will be explained... Now then, as the astute young Dinky noted, nopony could've survived. I died, and found myself a spirit in the afterworld. Deciding that being dead was no reason to stop adventuring, I travelled extensively. Saw heaven and hell, purgatory and limbo, the celestial and telestial kingdoms, tartarus and the elysian fields. Why, I even braved the domain of the Gluemaker himself...But then, after a week-"
Scootaloo interrupted. "You did all that in one week?"
"Well, I was a spirit. Travel time didn't figure in."
Across the room, Silver Spoon said "I'm not buying this story any more than you Scootaloo... But you've kinda gotta give him that one."
"Oh alright... Go on..."
"Yes. After a week, I was,pulled back to this world... When an evil sorceress revived me as an undead Zompony!"
"So you were a Zompony and now you're not. How does that work?" Rumble asked.
"I didn't like being a Zompony you see... The food was good, brain is the most delicious thing ever, at least to a Zompony... But, well... Let me tell you children something very few among the living know: Zomponys don't last very long. They all re-die within five years."
"Re-die!?"
The Baron shook his head. "Heart attacks. Turns out, the reason brain tastes so good is, it's FULL of cholesterol. I didn't want to go that way."
"Okay, I'll bite... What did you do?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"I was lucky. Many years before, during an extended stay in Zebrabawe, I studied homeopathic medicine at the hooves of a Zebra witch doctor. I used the knowledge gained there to develop an herbal cure for Zomponyism. Now I'm alive again."
"Wow!" Dinky exclaimed.
Leaning over, Scootaloo whispered "Dinky, he's making all this up!"
"How can you say that?"
"Here. I'll prove it. Watch carefully." Scootaloo whispered back. Raising her voice, she said "Mister Baron? I've heard you went to the moon! Can you tell us what it was like?"
"Ahhh the moon..." Marechausen began, "Not a place most ponies would want to visit. No air, no water, no food, ravenous moon-beasts hiding in the craters... I was most fortunate to go before Princess Luna's return, when Nightmare Moon was still imprisoned there."
"Wait... Running into Nightmare Moon was a good thing? How do you figure that?"
"Oh it's quite simple. I am a stallion, after all, and she is a mare. A mare who had been all alone for nearly a thousand years. Suffice to say, she was quite horn-muuuummp!" The Baron was silenced mid-word by Cherilee who, moving faster thaan her students thought possible, stuffed a hoof in his mouth.
"Story time is over children!" Cherilee said.
"AWWWW!!!!"
"I'm sorry, but the Baron and I need to have a very long talk... We've only got five minutes left, you all can go on home."
"YAAAAY!!!!"
Students filed out of the schoolhouse in-mass, not noticing the dagger their teacher was glaring at the Baron. A small group of them gathered in the playground. "Oy, there's something wrong about that story..." Pipsqueak said.
Scootaloo laughed. "You just now figured that out?"
"Well, it's only the end bit... Nightmare Moon didn't have horns!"
"Hey yeah!" Dinky agreed. "What was that about?"
"Dunno." Apple Bloom said. "Maybe I'll ask Applejack."
"Yeah, and I'll ask my mom!" Dinky agreed.
The next parent/teacher conference was the strangest Cherilee ever had...
Angry Bob Goes To Equestria
Rat sat in front of his computer, drinking a beer. On the screen were the words "The Adventures of Angry Bob, volume twenty." Nothing else had been written. Struck with writer's block, Rat could only sit, drink beer, and hope for his muse to strike. With a sudden crash, Rat was knocked back onto the floor. "Sorry." Said the Moose that had ran into him, "Won't happen again."
Rat was upset at first. He wanted to be hit by a muse, not a moose. But then he realized that the head injury had given him an idea. "Better than nothing." Rat grumbled as he returned to his chair and began to type:
XXXXXX
The Adventures of Angry Bob, Volume Twenty
Angry Bob was angry. Even more angry than normal. "I am tired of being angry." Bob said, "But I have nothing to make me happy." Bob thought on this for a time, and he got an idea. "This is what I will do. I will go out into the world, and speak with my fellow man. And perhaps I will learn something from one of them that will make me happy."
And so Bob did just that. For most of the day, he was disappointed. But then Bob saw a man with a t-shirt that depicted a pink horse. Bob said "Excuse me sir, but why are you wearing a shirt with a picture of a pink horse on it?"
The man laughed. "It's not a horse, it's a pony. I am a brony, and this is Pinky Pie from 'My Little Pony."
"You watch a show for little girls?" Bob asked. "Why?"
"It makes me happy." The man replied.
So Angry Bob went home and watched 'My Little Pony.' And to his surprise he found that it made him happy as well. He watched all of the episodes, read the fanfics, and bought the merchandise.
"I am a brony." Angry Bob said, "And I am happy." And he was happy, filled with joy and love like never before. And like most bronies, Bob wished that he could actually go to Equestria. "But alas, it will never happen." He said.
Then one night, Bob was woke by a bright light in his bedroom. He opened his eyes and was amazed by what he saw. "Princess Celestia!?" Bob exclaimed.
"Yes Bob. I have seen the joy and love in your heart, and come to take you to Equestria."
"Oh boy oh boy!" Bob jumped at the chance. The next thing he knew, he was in Canterlot. And so Angry Bob went to live in Equestria. And the love in his heart grew even more powerful.
Two days later, Canterlot was attacked by changelings. Which feed on love. Which is what Bob was now practically radiating. The entire hive captured Bob and took him to their queen, Chrysalis, who swallowed Bob whole. Bob aspexiated and died. As did Chrysalis, who choked on Bob who was not a thin man.
The End.
XXXXXX
As Rat finished typing, he became aware that Pig was reading over his shoulder. "Gosh Rat," Pig said, "Shouldn't you at least end the story with a moral or something?"
As Pig walked away, Rat realized that his friend was correct. And so he turned back to the keyboard and added one last line:
"Always chew your food."
Author's Note
For those who are unfamiliar with Angry Bob, check out the comic strip 'Pearls Before Swine.' Seriously, it's awesome.
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Why Pinkie Pie Isn't Allowed To Watch Star Wars Anymore
Author's Note
This takes place a few months after "Dashie: Twenty Percent Cooler" and thus has some minor spoilers.
Why Pinkie Pie Isn't Allowed To Watch Star Wars Anymore
Why Pinkie Pie Isn't Allowed To Watch 'Star Wars' Anymore
I
Earth. Pinkie bounced out the back door of the Dashell home cheering wildly. "Most awesome movies ever!" She exclaimed. "...Note to self: Figure out how to build a lightsaber."
"You with a lightsaber!?" Applejack said as she followed Pinkie out the door. "Tarnation girl, that's a horrifyin' thought."
"Totally." Twilight agreed. "Though I have to admit, I agree the films were good."
"I just wish you all could've stayed awake for the whole marathon like I did!" Pinkie said.
"That was nine movies Pinkie! Extended editions too, it was like twenty two hours!"
Pinkie yawned. "Yeah. Now that you mention it I AM getting kind of tired."
Opening the enchanted door back to Equestria, Twilight said "Well go home and sleep it off. Just don't forget, we've all got to be in Canterlot tomorrow, to take the door to New York... There's some kind of reception dinner the Princesses want us to join them for."
Yawning as well, Rarity said "Don't worry dear, we'll be there." She walked through the door.
Fluttershy whispered "She seems almost as tired as Pinkie."
"That's because she's the only one of us who almost stayed awake with Pink's the entire time." Twilight said. "Apparently Princess Leia's cinnamon-bun hairstyle was so unstylish it gave her nightmares every time she drifted off."
II
New York City. Since the official first contact between worlds and establishment of the gateway doors between them, the city had been host to numerous meetings. None compared to the spectacle of all three Princesses and the Element-Bearers together. The meeting itself was only of marginal importance; dealings on minor trade questions mostly. But the state dinner afterwards was extravagant.
The ponies found themselves at a table near the head of the room, one table over from where Celestia, Luna, and Cadance sat with various Earth leaders. Waiters delivered menus, and they all looked over the offerings. "A bowl of borscht please!" Pinkie said, returning the menu to her waiter.
"Whoa, hang on." Rainbow interrupted. "Pinkie, do you even know what borscht is? It's really not your kind of thing..."
"Oh I know. I wanna try it anyway."
"Well, alright if you're sure."
Orders were made, and the food arrived. While everyone else ate, Pinkie sat staring at her bowl. Finally Applejack said "Pinks, you gonna eat that or stare at it all night?"
"I warned her." Rainbow said.
"I'm sure you could order something else Pinkie." Twilight said.
Pinkie kicked the table with a hind leg, just hard enough to make ripples pass through the soup. She looked up, a serious expression on her face. "There is a great disturbance in the Borscht." She said, "As if a million Bronies 'squee'd' in joy, and were suddenly silenced."
A round of face-hooves swept the table. "Pinkie, please tell me you didn't order that just so you could make that joke."
"Of course not silly! I plan to eat it too!" Picking up a spoon, she took one bite, turned visibly green, and added "Later. I'll eat it later. Oh waiter! Can I get a doggy bag and the desert menu?"
Despite the incongruence of being asked for a doggy bag at a state dinner, the waiters reacted without hesitation. Pinkie was soon seated with a large slice of cake and a styrofoam bowl of borscht. Luckily, the rest of the meal was uneventful.
As they returned to Ponyville and said their goodbyes for the night, Pinkie turned to Dash and said "Remember, The Borscht will be with you... ...Always." She ran as Dash started throwing things at her...
III
A few days later, Twilight Sparkle travelled to Canterlot to visit her parents. As she approached their home the unicorn noted that it was strangely quiet; ordinarily they would be waiting at the front door to greet her. She found the door closed but unlocked. Entering, calling out "Mom? Dad?" she took note of how dark it was. Carefully easing further in, looking for anything out of place, Twilight heard a sound behind her. Spinning around, she saw a creature in heavy red and black armor, breathing heavily.
"Who are you!?" Twilight demanded, "Where's my mother? Where's my father!?"
Through it's heavy breaths the entity answered "Twilight Sparkle... I AM YOUR FATHER!!"
Twilight's eyes narrowed. "PINKIE!!!"
Pinkie pulled her 'Darth Pie' helmet off. "Aww... How'd you know it was me?"
IV
Rarity awoke in the middle of the night. She wasn't sure what had disturbed her, but something just felt off. Rising from her bed, the fashionista trotted into her bathroom. And screamed as she saw herself in the mirror. Her mane had been restyled, into Leia hairbuns. "PINKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
V
Note:
VI
Fluttershy was enjoying a calm quiet day to herself when there came a terrible rattling sound from outside her door. Rushing to the front window, she saw Pinkie run by, followed closely by an enraged Manticore. "Leave my friend alone!" She shouted, storming out her front door. The manticore turned to face Fluttershy, who flew up into it's face and gave it 'The Stare.'
Whimpering, the great beast backed down and stomped it's way back into the forest. Pinkie popped up beside her friend. "The force can have a strong influence on the weak minded." she said, then fell on her back laughing.
"Pinkie, please tell me you didn't create that situation just so you could make that joke." Fluttershy asked. Pinkie continued to roll about laughing, until Fluttershy raised her voice and demanded an answer. Pinkie fled, not wanting to get hit with the stare herself...
VII
Princess Celestia stood next to her sister as they worked together to close out the day and begin the night. While Luna faced east, the better to see her moon as it rose, Celestia faced west, enjoying the wonderful rainbow of colors her sun created as it dipped below the horizon. So it was that she didn't realize anything was amiss until she heard Luna gasp.
Turning to look, the day princess immediately saw what had disturbed her sister. The moon, the ENTIRE moon, had been painted to look exactly like the Death Star. "B...but... ...HOW!?!?" Luna demanded.
Celestia rested a wing over Luna's back. "Tis Pinkie Pie sister." She said, "Don't question it..."
VIII
In spite of her decision to keep living on Earth for the time being, Rainbow Dash had kept ownership of her cloud home, visiting on occassion to do whatever maintenence was needed to keep it livable. In this particular instance, she had gone longer than usual between visits, over a month. As she flew in her front door, the pegasus was hit by the most terrible stench she had even encountered.
"Ugh! What is that!?" She exclaimed. Searching her house from top to bottom, Rainbow was unable to discover the sounrce of the odor. "Which means it's hidden." she reasoned, "Which means somepony hid it on purpose... I'm being pranked. But where did the pranker find something this bad? I've never smelled anything like it before, except..."
A memory came to her: Saying good night to her friends a couple of weeks earlier... And Pinke had said "Remember, The Borscht will be with you... Always!"
"PINKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
XI
Celestia sat with a bemused expression as Luna, Twilight, and all of Twilight's friends complained to her about Pinkie's behavior.
"She's totally out of control!"
"She wrecked mah farm with those droid-things!"
"She did unspeakable things to my mane!"
"She hath sullied our moon!"
Celestia motioned for quiet. "Very well. I hereby issue a royal decree that Pinkie is not permitted to watch this 'Star Wars' for one year. Hopefully this will reign in her overexuberance."
"Thank you Princess!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Indeed. Now let us go and find her, and deliver this news." Luna said.
X
So the element-bearers returned to Ponyville along with Luna. But though they searched high and low, no trace could be found of Pinkie Pie. After two hours of searching, they decided to rest for a time. As they approached the Library, the door to Earth opened and Scootaloo trotted out along with Applebloom.
"Have either of you seen Pinkie?" Rainbow asked.
Scootaloo answered "Oh sure, she's at home watching movies."
Luna smacked one hoof into the other. "Huzzah! We shall cut short this "Star-Wars" even as she views it!"
"Beggin' yer pardon Princess, but she's not watchin' Star Wars." Applebloom said.
"Well this is good right?" Rarity asked, "I mean, if she watches something new perhaps it will lessen her mania for the old."
"Maybe..." Twilight agreed, "At least until she obsesses over the new thing... But even so, surely it can't be worse than what she's already pulled. So what is it she's watching?"
"Something called "The Lord of the Rings."
The door swung open, Pinkie stepping through, walking upright but hunched over, carrying a gold ring in one hoof, staring down at it mumbling "My Precious..."
Rainbow looked Twilight in the eyes."It's worse." She said.
Author's Note
Please no one take this chapter's mention of two politicians as political. I am as unpolitical as a person can get, and don't even know which party they belong to or what they stand for. I just find their names funny, especially given the nature of the scandal the first one got himself into...
Beaver and Buttmane
As our scene begins, we find Buttmane, a teenage colt in a 'Deth Sadl' t-shirt, sitting alone on his couch. As he idly flips through the channels on t.v. (He long since gave up on Mtv, since they now show everything except the music they're named for), he stumbles across a news report.
"This scandal could well be the end of congressman Weiner's political career..." The reporter was saying.
"Uh... Uh huh huh... Huh huh huh huh..." Buttmane laughed. He then shouted "Uh... Hey Beaver! Come here a minute!"
Another teenage colt joined Buttmane, sitting next to him. "Eh... Eh heh heh... What's up?"
Buttmane motioned to the t.v. "That dude's name is Weiner. Huh huh huh Uh huh huh huh..."
"Eh heh hehe... No way!"
"Uh huh huh... Yeah. Loser."
Beaver disagreed. "Uh, actually Buttmane, I don't think it makes him a loser at all."
"What are you talking about?"
"Uh, well, I just think that, like, if your name was Weiner, I think that the chicks would really dig that."
Buttmane stared at his friend. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Really?"
Beaver began to shake with excitement. "Yeah! Yeah! You'd be all like 'Uh... Hey ladies!' And then they'd be all like 'Uh, what?' And, and then you'd be all like 'My name is Weiner.' And then they'd be all like 'Cool.'"
"Dude! That rocks!" Buttmane exclaimed.
"Yeah! Yeah! Fire! Fire!" Beaver yelled.
Buttmane slapped him upside the head. "Shut up dumb butt. We're not allowed to say that anymore."
"Oh yeah. Sorry about that. I forgot."
There then followed several minutes of blessed silence, until a light bulb went on over Beaver's head. "Flame! Flame!" He exclaimed.
"Uh huh huh... Cool." Buttmane laughed. "Huh huh huh huh huh....”
On the television, the reporter switched to a new story. “In other news Congressman John Bohner is traveling...”
Buttmane began to laugh again. “Uh huh huh huh... 'Bohner'... Uh huh huh..."