Animal Husbandry

by GmStoryteller

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 5234

Derpy Hooves' husband, a literal stud, returns home after a long work trip looking forward to spending time with his family, but events (and Derpy) conspire to make him have to ply his trade in Ponyville.

Derpy Hooves' husband, a literal stud, returns home after a long work trip looking forward to spending time with his family, but events (and Derpy) conspire to make him have to ply his trade in Ponyville.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-23 19:11:52 UTC

Rough Draft

[Note to readers and editors.  This is a very unfinished rough draft and is currently being used to let editors review and offer advice.  Anything in brackets [like this] are notes, usually to myself.  Also there are no chapter brakes because I have a hard time knowing where to put them.  Later on finished chapters with no notes or out of character comments will be put up in their own chapter spots]

He was sitting on the train, glancing at a magazine without paying much attention to what it was.  Fashion he guessed, but he was just looking at it without bothering to even read the words.  He was too tired from the trip and too anxious to get home to really care, when he heard the voices in the seats behind him.

“I’m telling you that’s the guy, that’s him!”

“Dear please be quiet.”

He turned around to look at the middle aged couple sitting behind him.

“Um, can I help you?”

“Hey you’re Stud Muffin, the best stud in all of Equestria aren’t you?”

“Yes I’m Stud Muffin, but I’m only in the top five.”

“So you just got finished in Canterlot, hmmm?   Bet that was fun!  I bet you got to rub more that shoulders with the rich and famous didn’t you?”

“Dear behave!  The Guild of Studs is a respectable organization.”  His wife seemed to be making up for his lack of embarrassment with her own.

Stud shrugged. “It’s actually my least favorite city to work in, the ‘rich and famous’ either have no imagination or far too much of one.”

The couple seemed to switch facial expressions she tried to keep herself from snickering, while he looked taken aback for a moment.  He quickly recovered.

“So any advice, tips and tricks? Positions?”

“Why?  Are you unable to perform?”

The stallion snorted angrily glaring at him.  His wife on the other hoof, burst out laughing.

“Dear, don’t be mad, you trotted right in to that one.” She patted her husband reassuringly on the shoulder then looked over at Stud Muffin “I can assure you he has no such problem, but I’m interested in any advice an expert such as you would have.”

“Well with any sort of relationship you need to be able to communicate.  There’s no ‘secret move’ that all the mares like, every pony is different and likes different things so make sure to talk to each other.  So many clients think I’m psychic and can just know exactly what they want.  I don’t, I talk to them and I listen, it’s the best advice I can give.”

Before he could say anything else the conductor walked through the car and announced “Next stop Ponyville in five minutes, continuing on to Baltimare.”

Stud Muffin looked up.  “Ah that’s my stop.”

“I would have thought you were headed to Baltimare.”

“No Ponyville is home, I ‘m just looking forward to spending time with the wife and kids.”

“Oh you’ve got family!” the mare practically squeed.

“Yep, a filly and a little colt.  The filly is just starting school, and the colt, well he’s still in the ‘beady eyes’ phase that foals start out in.”  Stud beamed.

“They’re so cute when they look like that!” This time she did squee.

“I always thought they looked creepy.”  Without missing a beat his wife quickly elbowed him in the ribs.  He quickly caught his breath and tried to change the subject.

“So who’s the lucky wife?”

“The cutest little mare you ever saw, named Derpy Hooves.”

It was late and the sun was going down.  Not many were out and about this late, but a few ponies welcomed him back.  He finally got to his home, and adjusted his saddlebags a bit while he looked at it.  He couldn’t tell in the fading light but it looked like there were no major repairs or replacements while he was gone.  The mailbox and porch light were new, along with half of the front door, but that wasn’t much.  He was always worried that one day he’d come home to a completely new house… or a crater.  He walked inside with a heartfelt

“Honey, I’m home!”

“Daddy!”

A little lavender blur made a beeline toward him.  Well bees could fly straighter stoned and drunk.  He had to rear up on his hind legs to catch her from sailing over his head and into a wall.

“Ditzy Doo! It’s so good to see you again.”

He deposited her on one of his saddlebags and carefully threaded his way through the assortment of cereal bowls, foal’s toys, and bits of mail that covered most of the floor.  As he headed to his favorite chair he scooped up little Mini Muffin who was chewing through an antique oak wood carving.  He gingerly sat down, the chair gave a crack as one of the legs broke, but he quickly shifted his weight to the other three.

“Hey where’s mom?” he asked the now very excited Ditzy Doo, who was swarming around his lap.

“I’m making some dinner!” came a reply from the kitchen.

Ah that was the burning smell.  He then noticed that Mini Muffin had switched to chewing on his hoof.  He quickly sat him down on the floor where the foal switched to gnawing on the chair.

“Daddy daddy daddy, I got to help with winter wrap up again!” said the hyperactive little blur on his lap.

“That’s great!  Which way did you go for the southern birds this time?”

“North by south west!”

“See you’re getting better every year.”

“I even had a compass!  I still don’t know how it points north, but it’s fun to draw circles with.  You know with the pencil and the pokie bit.  They look like mom’s cutie mark.”

“Muffins for my Muffin!”  Said the love of his life.  They were almost inverted colors, he and Derpy.  He with his blond coat and gray mane, while she had her beautiful gray coat and blond mane (now slightly singed).  She was carrying the tray of fresh muffins while simply walking on or through the detritus on the floor, her gold eyes focused solely on him (well one of them was).  While his kids clamored over for their dinner, he felt an indescribable rush of emotions on seeing his wife.  There was the love of his life, his best friend, his rock and foundation, the pony who would always be there for him.  There was his Derpy Hooves with his children, his family.  There was nothing better in life than this.

“Muffin?” she said as she held one out to him in her hoof.

He took it.  It looked like a slightly muffin shaped charcoal briquette, and smelled even worse.  Most ponies who would try to eat it could only gag at best, but to him it just tasted like home.

Then with a crack, the chair leg that Mini Muffin bit through gave way and tossed him to the floor.

He was cleaning up the kitchen, when Derpy came out of the kids’ bedroom.

“They’re finally asleep.  Boy they were excited to see you.”

“Well I was excited to see you.”

He snuggled around her and gave her a quick kiss.

“Let’s go to bed.” She giggled

“Are you tired?”

“Nope!”

She pronked into the bedroom, and that was all the encouragement he needed.

[rework this]

They started with kissing, but quickly did more than that.  He laid her down with her back on the bed, making sure to let her wings spread out.  This could be an awkward position for making little ponies, but he was practiced enough that it wouldn’t be uncomfortable for Derpy.  This position had the advantage of letting him see her face.  You could call his job many things, but it wasn’t romantic.  Oh some ponies might want classical music and candlelight, but they just as often wanted hard rock and black lights.  He drew the line at strobe lights though; trying to have sex with a migraine was not fun.  At the end of the day he was simply performing a service for a mare (who usually just wanted children).  He wouldn’t deny that he enjoyed his job (he couldn’t perform it if he didn’t enjoy it.)  With Derpy things were different.  He didn’t have to make sure a client was happy or her needs were being met, the look on Derpy’s face was proof enough.  He could just focus on being with his wife.  She let out a shuddering moan of pleasure that filled him with joy.  As cliché and tacky as it sounded, the best part of having sex with his wife was seeing just how happy he made her.

A powerful wave of pleasure caught her and her leg spasmed up, catching him right in the balls.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what went wrong!” She exclaimed as he rolled off her and then doubled over in pain.

“It’s OK” he coughed. “I’m alright.”  He reached over and grabbed the ice pack he’d placed there earlier for just such an event.

“Ahhh!” his voice shot up a few octaves as he placed the ice on the most sensitive part of his body.

“It’s OK, I’ve got an appointment with nurse Redheart tomorrow anyway.”

He cuddled and consoled her until they both went to sleep.  It was good to be home.

He was finishing his breakfast, while the foals were getting ready for school when Derpy came out of the bedroom in her disheveled mailmare uniform.

“I’m running late! Can you take the kids to school today?”

“Sure, but Derpy are you sure that what I do for a living is OK?”

She put her hoof to her chin and though for a minute.

“Yep!”

“Really? You’re not jealous?”

“But I stick my mail package in ponies’ slots all across town and you aren’t jealous.”

He raised his hoof and started to speak, then stopped.  He really had no response to that.

“Bye!”

He helped the kids finish bathing and put their saddlebags on, they had quickly learned to eat breakfast first then take a morning bath or else the kids went to school with food in their manes’.  He kept thinking about what Derpy had said.  He was always worried deep down inside that she didn’t really know that being a stud entailed having sex with multiple mares.  It felt like he was taking advantage of her innocence.  As he walked Ditzy Doo and Mini Muffin to school he felt the all too familiar sense of guilt over his job.  Barely a day went by when he didn’t think about quitting and spending his time with the family.

“Dad you’re being awfully quite.”

“Hmm?  Sorry just thinking.”

Their teacher greeted them at the school entrance.

“Why Hello Mr. Muffin, I didn’t realize that you were back yet.”

“I just got back in late last night.”

He watched his kids go inside to class.

“So how are they doing?” he asked Cheerilee.

“Great!  Ditzy only breaks five or six quills a day, and Mini Muffin has even started playing with the wood blocks instead of eating them.”

“They grow up so fast don’t they.” He said with a heartfelt smile.

“Important delivery!”

They had a split second to get out of the way as a gray meteor in a mailmare uniform slammed into the ground near them, bounced a few times and skidded to a stop.  Stud Muffin looked on in horror until Derpy quickly bounced to her hooves and shook the dust from her coat.

“Derpy you should be more careful, you could have been hurt!”

She ignored his scolding and instead trotted over to him.

“Priority letter to one Muffin, Stud.” She said formally, peering at him from under the brim of her rather worn out mail hat.

“Yep that’s you!” she said while simultaneously shoving the letter at him, while planting a kiss full on his mouth.  He didn’t even have time to catch his breath when she took off and rocketed over the nearby houses with a quick “Bye!”

“Well one thing about Derpy, she sure does take her job seriously.” Cheerilee said while walking up to him.  He looked at the letter.  It looked like a rather crumpled piece of construction paper. Inside, written in crayon was:

To Stud Muffin,

I love you a lot!

Derpy :)

He smiled, carefully folded the letter back up and placed it in his saddle bag.

“That reminds me, I need to pick up some more binders for our letters.”

“Oh you write each other quite a bit?”

“I try to write her every day if I can, when I’m away.  And I make sure to keep every letter she sends me.”

“You two really do love each―"

There was a loud crash from inside the schoolroom.  Cheerilee looked inside.

“Ditzy, how did you get ink on the ceiling!”

“Now might be a good time to get that physical…” though Stud Muffin as he quickly slipped away.

Nurse Redheart was making a few final notes on his chart.

“Well besides the testicular bruising, you’re as healthy as a horse.”

“Good, so I’m all set?”

“Almost, I know the Guild likes their confidentiality but I have to ask you about that bruising.  You aren’t doing anything…unsafe with your clients are you?”

“Huh?  Oh no, no, the guild has a very strict ‘safety first’ policy.  That was just an accident with Derpy last night.”

“Oh good, I mean not good, um I just…never mind.  Do you need anything for the pain?”

“I don’t think so, aspirin is working just fine.  With Derpy I’m used to the occasional accident.”

“Aren’t we all?  Well in that case you’re good to go for another six months.”

The day was starting to wind down.  All he needed to do was pick up some cider at Sweet Apple Acres, then pick up the kids at school, and get back home in time for dinner.  He saw a trio of fillies at the edge of the farm where the orchard bordered a bit of forest.  They seemed to be arguing about something.

“We’ve gotten covered in sap so many other times, I still think we can skip this one.”

“Yeah, but we’ve never done it intentionally before.  How can we be sure we won’t get our Cutie Marks in maple syrup making?”

Those must be that trio, what were they the Cutie Mark Cuirassiers, Constabulary, Commandos?  Something like that.  He remembered how long it took for him to get his Cutie Mark.  At least when he finally got it, it was rather benign.  A muffin on your flank was easier to live with than some of the Marks that his guild mates had…

“Don’t worry girls, I was a lot older than you when I got my Cutie Mark.”

“Really?  What did you get yours in?  We could try that now and not have to wait so long!”

Uh oh.  Stud Muffin thought fast.

“Baking!” he exclaimed.

“Oh, we already tried that.”

“Yeah, it didn’t work.”

“I wonder when the Cakes will let us back in their store.”

He waved goodbye and continued on to the farm, glad that he got out of that one, when a voice spoke up.

“Bakin’, huh?”

He jumped, and quickly turned to see an orange pony with a cowcolt hat leaning nonchalantly against the picket fence.  She crossed her front hooves over her body and raised one eyebrow skeptically at him.

“I’ll have you know” He said with mock pride, “That I am very good at putting buns in ovens.”

She facehoofed.

“You are such an idiot.”

Luckily the rest of his trip went to Sweet Apple Acres went without incident, and he managed to get back to school just in time for the bell to ring.  The door swung open with a bang and colts and fillies poured out.  Stud muffin jumped, Ditzy was covered in so much ink that she looked like a pinto.  Mini Muffin came out carrying what looked at first glance like a 2x4 in his mouth.  On closer inspection it appeared to be part of a doorframe.  He was looking back and forth between his kids, when a rather frazzled Cheerilee came out of the school.

“Are you all right?” he asked sheepishly.

“What?” she seemed a little dazed. “Oh your kids are always a bit excited the day you get home.  They can get a little rambunctious.”

Her eye twitched worryingly.  He shifted nervously.

“Here” he said pulling out a bottle of cider out from his saddlebag.

“Why don’t you enjoy this while taking a nice long bubble bath.”

“That…That sounds wonderful.” She said taking the bottle.  She was already oblivious to them, walking home and gazing at the bottle and its promise of relaxation.  He nudged his kids off in the right direction.

“You two should really try to behave better in school.”

“I know, it’s just that it’s hard to concentrate when I’m looking forward to being with you.”

“Thanks kiddo, I’m sorry I’m gone so long.”

“That’s Ok, I know what you do for your job.”

He stopped.

“You do?” he said, startled.

“Yeah!  Mom says that you help families be happy like us.”

“I…guess you could say that.”

“Sometimes it’s hard with you gone so long, but I know that you’re helping other families, and I’m proud of you, dad.”

“I love you, Ditzy Doo.”

“I love you too, Dad.”

When they got home Stud Muffin was surprised to see Derpy in the kitchen with half a dozen bags of groceries strewn about.

“Wow, where did you get all that food?”

“Carrot Top’s fridge!”

“Oh. Do you need any help?”

“Nah, I just need to heat it up.”

“Well it seems like I’m done for today and can just relax.”  He though, heading to his chair.

The firemares were starting to pack up, putting tools away and coiling hose, when the fire chief came up to Stud Muffin.

“Well it’s safe now, looks like the fire was contained to kitchen, but I’d stay out of the house for a while longer until the smoke clears.”

“I just want to thank you for coming so soon.”

“Oh it’s no problem, we were going to build the new firehouse next door to yours, but we thought it might just get caught in the collateral damage.  So instead we decided to make sure there was a fire crew within 5 minutes at all times.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“No problem.”

She turned and started to round up her crew, leaving Stud Muffin standing next to his family.  Derpy was looking heartbroken.

“I just don’t know what―“

“Let’s go out to eat!”  Stud Muffin said enthusiastically, trying to distract Derpy from the smoke coming out of their house.

“Yay!” the kids pitched in, well Mini Muffin kind of gurgled excitedly.  They headed over to the local Hay Burger and went inside.  Stud Muffin watched the pony at the register’s expression go from nervous to outright panic when he realized that Derpy’s whole family was now in his restaurant.

“H-hi, welcome to Hay Burger.  How can I help you?” he said with a manic smile.

“Just two friendly foal meals to go.”

“Oh, ok” he seemed visibly relieved.  Then he snapped back, stuck his head in the kitchen and shouted like a Royal Guard Instructor

“Two friendly foal meals, ON THE FLY!”

He looked back at them rather sheepishly.

“Hehe, uh your food will be right out.”

They got their food and left, with the Hay Burger none the worse for wear.  Except for that table, but that looked like an easy fix.

They headed over to the Cakes and Stud Muffin knocked on the door.  Carrot Cake answered.

“Hello Stud Muffin, what can I do for you?”

“Hi, I was hoping you could watch the kids for an hour or two?”

“Sure!  We smelled the smoke and started getting some toys out for them.”

He smiled and waved at Ditzy Doo.

“We already got them some dinner, if you could just watch them for a bit while Derpy and I get some food?”  Stud Muffin asked, still embarrassed.

“It’s no problem at all, don’t worry about it.  Your kids can’t teleport.”  He said reassuringly.

“Hey Honey, can you get out the peanut logs?”

“The salted caramel or honey nougat?” came Cup’s voice from inside.

“Not those, the ones used to anchor heavy ships during hurricanes, Ditzy and Mini Muffin are here.”

“Gotcha!”

Carrot Cake turned back to Stud Muffin.

“We’re always more than happy to watch the kids when you need us to, after all we know how hectic raising a family can be.  Now go and enjoy your dinner.”

They went to that fancy place near the town hall, and had an enjoyable time talking together (mainly about muffins).  They were finishing up dessert, when Derpy knocked over her glass, again.  He wasn’t quick enough to catch it this time.  It hit the floor with an almost soft crash.  Almost before the pieces had stopped moving, a waiter quickly came and swept it up.   Derpy looked embarrassed and ashamed.

“Sorry, I-“

“It’s perfectly okay Mrs. Hooves” The waiter said, patting her reassuringly on the shoulder.

She perked right up, smiling at him.

He smiled and got up to pay for the meal, leaving Derpy at the table for the moment.  He went over to the waiter and got the check.

While looking it over he said.

“Okay, so besides the meal we also have the cost for three extra glasses, one replacement entree, and what’s the going rate for wall repainting?”

“Oh it’s no extra charge sir.  Everypony has accidents, Derpy a little more than most, but she doesn't mean to do it and she always tries her best.  I think I speak for all of Ponyville when I say that we accept her, mistakes and all.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

They picked up the kids and made it back home.  The smell of smoke still lingered in the kitchen, but was thankfully otherwise gone.  The tucked Mini Muffin and Ditzy Doo into bed and were about to go to bed themselves when there was a knock at the door.  Stud Muffin opened the door and there stood a young couple, maybe a few years younger than him and Derpy, looking rather nervous.

“Hello, um are you Stud Muffin?”

“Yes.” He said rather confused.

“We’re sorry to bother you so late, but we heard that you were in town.  We were hoping to hire you for your services before you left.

We've saved up enough money for the Guild fees.”

He got out a small bag of bits and held it plaintively toward him.

“I’m sorry, I’m not working right now.  I’m actually on vacation.  You could try another stud, or wait until I go back to work.  I’ll be starting in Canterlot in a few weeks.”

The mare spoke up.“We know, it’s just that Canterlot is so expensive.  We can’t afford the Guild fees and a trip, and the guild never comes to the small towns, only the big cities.”

“Please” she said looking hopeful.  “We've wanted children for so long, and we've tried so hard ourselves.  Isn't there something you could do?”

“I’m sorry but freelance work isn't permitted.  I can only work during Guild sponsored and approved events.”

That was enough, their heads dropped and they looked crestfallen as they walked away.  Stud Muffin closed the door with a sigh and turned to go to bed.  There was Derpy, standing in front of him, with tears welling up in her eyes.

“Why didn't you help them?”

“What?”

“They were so sad, and you could make them happy.  Why didn't you?”

“They, I” he stuttered. “It’s my vacation!  And the guild doesn't even have an office here.  Where would I even―“

“You've never worked in Ponyville before, have you?”  She said now oblivious to his protests.  “I bet there are a lot of ponies that need your help!”

“What?  Derpy, It’s illegal I could lose my job.”

“You could ask the Guild.  Ask them to let you work here.  Just for a day?”

“Just open up shop in a new city?  Derpy, do you know how much paperwork that is?  I’d need written approval from both the Guild

Mistress and the Mayor, detailed contracts for every service the Guild offers, and an entire new charter for the town chapter!”

She grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

“You need to help them Stud Muffin!  You need the help the ponies!”

He was incredulous but as he looked into her eyes, tears streaming down her face, he knew he couldn’t argue with her.

“Okay, okay,” he said with a sigh “I’ll try to get something set up in Ponyville, but even if this all works out, which it probably won’t, I’m only going to work one day!”

The next day he got up early, trying to get some paperwork or books to help with Derpy’s request.  It wasn't easy, he usually tried his best to not bring anything work related home.  Derpy came out in her mailmare uniform with the kids trailing behind her.

“Come on you two I’m walking you to school today, daddy has some work to do.”

He gave his wife a kiss and hugged the kids goodbye.  Finally after gathering as much as he could find, he set out.  He knew where he had to go first.

[The rest of the section is composed of segments that are out of chronological order to let editors see the overall tone of the story and to let them judge how mature or graphic certain scenes are.  Also it’s what I could manage to write at the time.]

[Infodump notes:]

(twilight gathers the rest of the mane six in the library)

“OK girls, you've probably heard that Ponyville’s very own Stud Muffin is going to be, um…”  Twilight started to blush when Rarity came to her rescue.

“Practicing his art, dear.”

“Yes um ‘practicing his art’ here in Ponyville.  Well this is such an important event that we can’t pass this up.  So I think we should all go.”

The other five pones’ jaws dropped simultaneously.

“What?”

Before she could get any more nervous Pinkie Pie leaped into the air did a cartwheel and screamed

“FRIENDSHIP ORGY, WOOHOO!”

“Not at the same time!” Twilight angrily clarified.

“Oh,” they all muttered, looking relieved.  Although some of them might have been hiding disappointment, it was hard to tell.

“Uh Twilight,” Applejack spoke up “I might not speak for everypony, but I’m already raising a sister and running the entire apple orchard, I don’t think I’m ready for foals right now.”

[Maud Pie]

He just could not figure this mare out.

“Is there anything you’d like me to do?”

“This is good.” Came the flat reply.

“Would you like to try a different position?” he tried again.

“No, you’re doing really good.” She replied with the same expressionless monotone.

“Well, okay.” He thought this was incredibly difficult.  Like mounting a mannequin.  “No not a mannequin.” He tried to remind himself.  She had body heat, and fur…and another thing mannequins lacked.  “Just focus on that.” He thought to himself, while trying to carry out his job with a mare that wouldn't even move.  It was all rather disconcerting.

Then she started talking again.

“Oh Celestia.”

“Huh, what?” he thought.

“Oh” she said again, her voice unchanging.  “Oh, I’m coming.”

“She can’t be serious?  Can she?”

“Oh, I just came.”

“Really?” he thought.  She did seem to mean it though, so he finished as best he could.

“Thank you,” she said.

“I was my pleasure.” He replied, trying to act like nothing at all was out of the ordinary.

“No.” she said placing a hoof on his shoulder and looking him in the eye.

“I mean it, thank you.” She turned and looked away.

“I know I have a hard time expressing my emotions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have any.  I once ate a rock as a joke and everypony just stared at me.  I try so hard to fit in, but even when I took a risk and shared some of my deepest poetry, I could tell she didn’t like it.”

She turned back toward him.  A single tear slid down her utterly expressionless face.

“Thank you for just accepting me for who I am.”

He gave her a completely sincere heartfelt hug.  As she turned to go she stopped and picked up a small rock on the nightstand that

Stud Muffin could swear wasn’t there before.

“Why Boulder, you mischievous little pervert, how did you get up there.”

[Twilight Sparkle]

She brought in four or five books and laid them out on the ground and started to leaf through one.

“So I wanted to try some things…”

He walked up and looked over her shoulder.

“Oh… I guess bringing books is kind of silly.” she said, looking embarrassed.

“No no, this is good stuff.  Most of this is required first year reading material at the guild.  The ‘Pony Sutra’ is starting to show it’s age, but ‘Everything you wanted to know about sex’ very useful.  And…whoa”

He picked up one entitled Pleasurable positions for powerful passionate ponies: Princess Edition.

“This one is uh advanced.”

“Oh that!”

She quickly snatched it away from him.

“Hehe, Celestia gave me that for my coronation, I always thought it was more of a joke.” She blushed and muttered “or something.”

“Oh good ‘cause I don’t think that I could…” he finished his sentence in a indecipherable mumble.

“So uh,” she said quickly trying to change the subject.

“These are required reading?” pointing to the books still on the ground, while tossing the one she was holding behind her.

“Oh yeah, good advice, good information.  Now if you’d brought ‘Cosmoponyton’s guide to driving your mare or stallion wild’, we’d have to talk.”

“Ugg, even I can tell that one’s just ridiculous, I don’t even think they are fooling the virgins.”

"Beause this clearly isn’t your first time.”

She gave a far too broad smile while her eyes shifted from left to right.

“Why no of course not!” she said rather too overenthusiastically.

“But it is your second, isn’t it?”

“Is it that obvious?” she said, hanging her head down.

“And let me guess, your first time wasn’t very enjoyable, was it?” he said softly.

“…No.”

“You know what?” he said reaching for her chin and lifting her head, looking her in the eyes.

“The first time usually isn’t.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely!  You were both probably too young, and I bet neither of you knew what you were doing.”  He sighed.

“So many ponies think that sex is some easy, automatic thing.  But if it were as easy as ‘insert post A into slot B’ the Guild wouldn’t be around.  I mean your first time, you probably don’t even know what you liked, and if you did most ponies don’t even think to just sit down and tell their partner what they want and expect.  Not to mention that your first time is probably the most vulnerable you’ve ever been in your life.  And you’re sharing it with somepony who is just as clueless and vulnerable as you.”

“That makes a lot of sense.”

“The best anypony should hope for is something endearingly awkward, but it’s usually just disappointing and unfulfilling.”

“So that’s normal for the first time?”

“Yep, but it gets a lot better with practice!” he said with a smile.

“I bet you were with some dumb jock who was over and finished before you could even figure out how everything felt.”

“Arrrrg!” she exclaimed, flipping on her back, her hooves kicking angrily at the memory.

“I can’t believe that guy!  At least I brought my vibrator! If I-“  Her face turned bright red as she flipped back over and nearly dove into her books.

“So, uh you said to sit down and have a conversation?  Talk things over right?”

He walked over and laid down beside her, looking at the books she was leafing through.

“I’m uh a bit nervous, to be honest.” She said quietly.

“That perfectly normal, besides so am I.” he replied

“What?  What’s big experienced stud like you nervous about?”  She said surprised.

“Well it’s my first time with a princess.”