The Secret Life of Button Mash

by KillerRobotQuote

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Adventure, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 2297

Button Mash leads an exciting life of battling monsters and collecting lost treasures.

Button Mash leads an exciting secret life. He drops in on planets from orbit, infiltrates enemy headquarters, battles evil demons at the Water Temple, and skis down the tallest mountain known to ponies.

All before finishing breakfast.

Published 2016-12-29 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-29 02:10:01 UTC

Journey to Rendezvous Sierra

"It's too dangerous to try to land the Princess of Invention on that planet," the Commander growls. The Commander is a tough pony, a stallion who has seen many battles in his day. The scar running down the left side of his face is proof enough. "The enemy has far too many anti-aircraft plasma turrets to risk entry. I only see one option, Sergeant Mash."

"What do you suggest?" asks Button Mash.

"I'm sending you down there. We'll drop you from orbit, and once there, you will disable as many of the turrets as you can."

Button Mash salutes the Commander. "Right away, sir! No need to worry; I'll disable every last one."

"Excellent. Everypony aboard this ship is counting on you, Button Mash."

Button nods and trots to the drop pod. After securing himself in, he hears the countdown.

T-minus ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ... six ....

Button is totally ready. All of those years of training have prepared him for this. It also helps that he's the best soldier in his field. Disabling some turrets is child's play for him.

Five ... Four ... Three ... Two ....

Button tenses as he prepares for the sudden acceleration that is sure to follow.

One ....

A click is heard, and the pod is separated from the Princess of Invention. A mighty roar shakes the ship as the rocket thrusters of the pod activate and shoot Sergeant Button Mash toward the planet at dizzying speeds. The whole pod begins rattling and shaking violently as Button is jostled about in his harness. The pod begins to heat up when it enters the planet's atmosphere. Button Mash is now a glowing orange streak in the sky as the tremendous friction causes the very air around the pod to seemingly ignite. The thrusters disengage as Button needs only gravity to finish the high-speed plummet toward the planet. The shaking and jostling become even more violent as Button struggles to watch the number indicating the altitude of the pod relative to the planet's surface rapidly decreasing. At 6000 meters, Button reaches for the lever to his right. Pulling it down, he hears the violent scraping of gears and a loud popping noise. Button looks around frantically. The lever is supposed to open a hatch on the top of the pod and deploy a parachute, but the hatch isn't opening. Button curses his luck as he realizes that he pulled the lever too late; he was supposed to deploy the chute at 8000 meters. As a result, the metal on the hatch is fused shut from the constant heat.

Button looks out the window of the pod as the planet hurtles toward him. Button closes his eyes and braces for impact.

Thud.

"Owww ...." Button moans as he opens his eyes. His face is pressed against his bedroom floor and he is covered in bed sheets. Button slowly stands on all four legs and shakes his mane to help wake himself up. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes with a hoof when he hears a voice in the distance.

"Button! Get up, or you'll be late for school!"

Ah, so the she-demon still lives. The one who brought him into this world, then betrayed him by forcing him into Mandatory Learning at point Sierra Charlie Hotel Oscar Oscar Lima. He will have to deal with her later, however, as Button still needs to take care of business.

Button gently pushes the steel door open and peeks his head through. After looking down the hallway in both directions, Button determines that the coast is clear. He slides through the opening, then quietly shuts the door behind him. Stealthily, like a ninja, Button scoots down the hall with his back pressed against the wall. Discretion is key when infiltrating an enemy base.

Just as Button reaches the end of the hall and is about to make a turn, he hears two voices from around the corner. With only seconds to spare, Button pulls out a cardboard box and hides underneath it. Button can hear hoofsteps as two guards round the corner on patrol. He can't make out most of their conversation, but one part does stick out.

"—ust remember to keep an eye out for Liquid Lizard."

Button can't help but grin in spite of himself.

As the sound of hoofsteps disappears into the distance, Button removes the cardboard box and creeps around the corner. Peering down the corridor, Button sees the door a few yards away to his left. Breaking into a sprint, Button reaches the door and pulls it open.

"Intruder! We have an intruder!"

Oh, how careless of Button! He never gives himself away that easily. Button dashes in and pulls the heavy door shut moments before the guard catches up to him. He bolts the door shut, locking himself in. That will buy him some time, but how much? Button doesn't have time to worry about that. A quick glance around the room confirms that this is the boiler room, containing the facility's central plumbing. A wicked grin spreads across Button's face. It's time to do his business.

Button's mom is sitting at the kitchen table when she glances up at the sound of a toilet flushing. She chuckles to herself.

"Oh, I hope Button doesn't try taking on the Water Temple again," she says while taking a bite of toast and strawberry jam. "It took half an hour for me to clean the bathroom last time."

Button Mash, Hero of Time, stands in a large domed room. The entire floor is flooded with water three inches deep. The door through which he had just entered was now blocked by a metal gate, barring any escape. Button unsheathed his sword and held it in his mouth, ready to fight.

Suddenly, ominous music starts playing and creatures materialize in the room. They're horribly grotesque, having no clearly defined shape as though they're made out of sludge. They are formless blobs of dark grey goo with little chunks of orange or green here and there. And the smell. Oh, by the goddesses, the smell is repulsive. They don't have a face, but beady red eyes glare at Button.

One of the creatures suddenly lunges at Button, but he's too quick. With a mighty swing, his sword slices clean through the goo, splattering it across the water. Enraged, the rest of the creatures let out an ear-piercing screech and charge Button all at once. Button does not falter. He crouches low, building up tension in his legs. He waits for the mob to get closer until the nearest creature is just a foot away, then he lets loose. Button leaps straight into the swarm, spinning at impossible speeds. The move transforms him and the sword that he continues to hold in his mouth into a giant saw blade. Button slices through the whole group like putty, making an eruption of rancid muck rain down into the water. Button is pleased, but just as he is about to sheathe his sword, out of the corner of his eye, he sees the remains from the very first monster he destroyed move on its own toward one common point. Of course! The creatures don't have a definite shape, so it would be easy to reform! Button realizes that to defeat them for good, he needs to get creative. Glancing around the room, he takes note of the very particular shape. Indeed, the roof is domed, but the walls and floor seem to all slope to the center of the room where a grate with a cover is located. Button looks around and sees a lever attached to the wall near the ceiling. Grinning, Button pulls out his Hookshot. Just as the newly reformed monsters lunge at him, his Hookshot latches onto the lever and pulls him to safety. His weight pulls the lever down, and the grate at the center opens. The water in the room starts to drain to the center, dragging the monsters with it. Once the room is empty, he drops down safely, proud of himself. The gates on the room’s exits open. Beaming with pride, Button struts out of the room, on to the next part of the dungeon.

"Oh! Almost forgot my hat!" Button says as he returns to his bedroom. He reaches for his propeller beanie hanging on his bedpost and places it on his head. Then he grabs the Joyboy resting on his nightstand and exits his room with a hop in his step.

Mount Everfrost is the tallest mountain ever discovered. Part of a remote mountain range outside of the Crystal Empire, few ponies have ever seen it for themselves, and even fewer have been bold enough to climb it. But climbing is slow, hard, and laborious, and Button Mash is not about that lifestyle. He's about intensity, action, the thrill of facing danger. That's why he is hanging out of a helicopter with nothing but some warm clothes, goggles, and skis. He salutes the pilot before letting go, free falling toward the snowy, dangerous, white mountain slope. He slices through the frigid air, approaching the mountain at dangerous speeds. One mistake and he could wind up in traction, or worse. Thirty feet. Twenty. Ten.

FWOOM!

He hits the snow at just the right angle, taking off down the treacherous mountain like a rocket. He goes over a cliffside, falling down a rather significant drop, only to stick the landing below and keep riding down. Button Mash couldn't care less about the danger of hurting himself on a drop—it's the very thrill he lives for.

Just as trees begin to start coming up, the path swerves off to the side, taking Button with him. The path looks like it's never been discovered by ponies. It leads to an opening, a hollow in the side of the mountain. Bringing himself to a stop, Button slowly enters what appears to be a cave. He barely steps inside before he's greeted with a vast assortment of food: fruits, vegetables, juice, milk, cheese, and brownies. Just when he thinks it couldn't get any better, he looks above his head and sees an outcropping packed with waffles and ice cream. It's perfect.

Button takes the waffles out of the freezer and puts them in the toaster. As he goes to grab the apple juice from the fridge, his mother clears her throat.

"Button, what did I tell you about sliding down the hand rail on the stairs?"

"It's not safe," Button replies mechanically. Doesn't she know that he's going to keep doing it anyway? Rolling his eyes (when the she-demon isn't looking), he pulls the apple juice out of the fridge.

"Oh, no," his mom scolds. "First your milk. Then you can have your juice."

"But mooooooooooom~" Button whines.

"Button, none of that, or I'm taking away your JoyBoy."

"Have a great day at school, Button dear," his mom calls out to him. Button grumbles under his breath. Doesn't she know that milk is gross? Doesn't she know that juice is much better at hydrating than something that leaves nasty phlegm in your throat? Now how is he supposed to survive the arid desert plains that stretch before him for miles in every direction? Button adjusts the hiking pack strapped to his back and wipes sweat from his mane. Taking a deep breath, he steps forward, ready to take on the treacherous journey.

The brutal sun glares down at Button, its oppressive heat weakening him with every step. Tumbleweeds blow through despite the lack of any wind. It feels like he's been marching for hours. Exhaustion begins to set in. In the distance, two figures shimmer into existence. Are they real or just a mirage, the desert playing tricks on him? And if they are real, are they friend … or foe?

"Hey, it's the geeky blank-flank," Diamond Tiara teases.

Definitely foe.

“Ooh, big tough guy,” Silver spoon joins in. “What’s he going to do, zap us with his laser gun?”

The aliens’ incomprehensible language of grunts and glops and snorks and pleeps is utter nonsense, as bizarre and insipid as the aliens themselves are ugly. Spaceman Mash slowly reaches for his Death Ray Blaster. Just as the first blob takes another quivering step toward him, Spaceman Mash draws his blaster and opens fire.

“Hey! Those rubber bands hurt, you jerk!”

Zounds! The blaster is ineffective against the monstrosities. With no other form of defense, Spaceman Mash hightails it out of there. The planet’s low gravity makes it hard to move, but his leaps and bounds take him incredible distances, putting space between him and his pursuers within seconds.

“How *pant* is that *pant* little twerp *pant* so fast?” Diamond Tiara gasps.

“We chased him *pant* all the way *pant* to the school,” Silver Spoon groans. “We’ll have to *pant* wait till recess.”

Button Mash stands before the entrance to Aperture Laboratories. He has finally made it to Rendezvous Point Sierra. But what awaits him promises to be his greatest obstacle yet. The ill-tempered A. I. watches, patiently waiting for him to enter. Button tries to stall, but there’s nowhere else he can go.

Cheerilee greets her students with a smile as they walk through the door. “Good morning, everyone. I hope you all studied, because your test is today.”

Button’s blood runs cold. He stares into the robotic eye of his captor, terrified. The A. I. leaned in close and whispered. “I do hope you’ll make an excellent test subject.”

Author's Note

Can you believe FimFiction doesn't allow 'Adventure' and 'Slice of Life' tags on the same story?!

Inspired by the short story "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty."