Twilight Studies X

by Vengeful Spirit

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 8091

A collection of short stories involving Twilight's studies of various mystically magical artifacts.

Twilight's life as a Princess of Equestria hasn't stopped her mentor from asking her to research just about everything in the multiverse. Now equipped with a mad scientist's laboratory and a pair of wings, Twilight must study the ins and outs of every facet of pop culture. A collection of short stories involving Twilight's studies of various mystically magical artifacts.

Feel free to leave a comment making suggestions for what Twilight should doubtless be studying next.

Rated 'Teen' for sexual innuendo and mild language.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-16 00:33:23 UTC

Squidward

Twilight stared at her newest research project. Her newest research project stared back. They made eye contact for a moment before the young princess looked away with a blush. The silence was almost palpable.

"So are you going to just sit there staring at me or what?" Squidward asked indignantly, waving a tiny tentacle. He seemed a little upset about sitting in the crux of Twilight's hoof, but wasn't really making much of a fuss about it.

"Oh, I'm quite sorry but my mentor sent me a copy of you for me to research. You're really quite the fascinating subject!" Twilight said, perking up at the reminder of her task. There was nothing in heaven nor Tartarus that could keep her from completing a task once it was started, especially one assigned by Celestia herself. She wouldn't fail her mentor!

"Well when you're quite done doing your...wait, what?! A copy of me? How does that even work! Spongebob wouldn't even..."

"Yes, that's quite right. Now can you move over a little and let me take a closer look at your tentacles? I need a clear vantage point to see what it is you squidlings use to reproduce with, and having your limbs in the way isn't helping."

"No. No, no, no, no, no!! NO!! NNOOO!!!!"

"But-"

"NO, NO, NO!!"

"We've got work to-"

"No, God no! NNOOO!!!"

"Listen here mister!"

"NNNNOOOO!!!!"

"Are you quite done yet?"

"..."

"..."

"...No."

Twilight Sparkle pouted at the hinderance, but the little project was far too small for her to force it to reveal itself. It would certainly take some coaxing, she knew that much. Twilight chuckled at that; she was no slouch when it came to convincing somepony to do just about anything for the sake of science!

"Well if you don't want me to study something for purely academic reasons, we could always test your regenerative properties. That could be fun!"

"..."

"Ssssppiiiikkkkeeee!!!!"

"Ugh, what is it, Mistress?" the young drake responded to his employer's beck and call. "Let me guess, someone stole your sweet-roll. No wait, that'd be stupid. You need me to take a letter, don't you?"

"Elementary, my dear assistant," she responded before reciting everything she wanted written down in front of her hapless minion. The lavender mare quickly perused the message to make sure there weren't any grammatical sins sticking out before folding it up and placing it in an envelope.

"Okay, you can send it now, Spike."

"Yes, Mistress!" With a puff of his fiery draconic breath, Spike turned the letter into a pile of ash that magically blew off to Canterlot. Don't ask how that works, it's magic. "Can I get some sleep, Mistress?" he begged.

"You've done a good job, my faithful assistant. Of course you may rest."

And with that, a good day's worth of work was finished. The squid thing had been thoroughly investigated and the data collected. All in all, what more could Celestia ask for?

Dear Princess Celestia,

All my research on this strange new species went rather well. Once we started talking disection, he became quite cooperative. Their breeding methods are rather strange, but I have all the details written down in the attached journal. I've even included ways in which such a creature could possibly stimulate an alicorn sexually, just as you'd asked. Why you'd want to know such a thing baffles me, but I suppose it isn't my place to question your motives.

The creature actually seems fairly intelligent, something that surprised me. Where did you stumble on this new species? Whatever the case, he was an interesting read and I'm glad to give you all the help I can in this matter.

We really should get back together sometime soon. Maybe catch up for old time's sake? At your convenience, of course.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia idly checked the letter before setting it aside for the real meat of the message. She scanned through the needlessly long and unimportant report before finding what she was actually looking for.

PONIES AND SQUIDS ARE INCOMPATIBLE AND CANNOT PRODUCE OFFSPRING

She smiled before pulling out the enclosed squid that she'd sent. Squidward looked up at her for moment before he realized just exactly what she wanted of him.

"Oh yes, my little squid. You've just received a personal one-way ticket to my royal bedchambers! Now come let Molly take care of you."

Twilight woke up to the sound of Spike vomiting out a new scroll. She excitedly hopped out of bed to see what new message her mentor had sent her. Maybe it was praises for her good work? Maybe it was a present!

"Oh goody!" she said before promptly opening the letter. Her face fell as she read the contents.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I find the results of your research rather unsatisfactory. You didn't test any of your research, did you? No matter, that is not what's important. It is critical that you come over to Canterlot immediately so that we can study this further in my bedchambers.

Forever your loving mentor,

Princess Celestia

"...Well shit."

The One Ring

Twilight woke up to the sound of Spike barfing out yet another letter. It wasn't too unusual for Celestia to send random messages while she was drunk at night, but that wouldn't stop Twilight from reading them. Was Twilight a princess? Yes. Would that stop her from kissing up to her mentor? Not in hells blazes it wouldn't!

The purple alicorn had no choice but to begrudgingly climb out of her bed and pick up the parcel. She carefully scooped it up in her magic, trying to be sure not to crush whatever was inside until she was sure it wasn't fragile.

"Damnit, when will Celestia stop sending those at all hours?!" Spike whined before laying back down to go to sleep. Twilight just rolled her eyes and trotted out of the room. If it was a pracel, then something must be inside of it!

The door to Twilight's basement slammed shut behind her as she strode into her lair. A wide array of mad scientist equipment was sprawled out around the room and the whole thing smelled oddly of rubbing alcohol. A large drafting table loaded with plans and equipment sat nestled right in the middle of the room.

"Let's begin!" she cried out enthusiastically to no one in particular. Her horn lit up a little brighter as she pulled the parcel closer to herself and opened it. A small ring dropped out of it and onto the table.

"Okay..." Twilight said, starging at the little object. It was just a normal looking golden horn ring, something not all too different from what she'd encountered when Celestia wanted to punish her for disobedience. After all, having one's magic cut off was terrifying to a little filly but didn't leave any lasting trauma. Right? Twillight just chuckled at that. There was still a letter sitting in the packaging, so Twilight made sure to pick it up and read it.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

The enclosed ring is a strange artifact that we picked up in the aftermath of the Nortelian Volcano eruption a few months ago. It seems to have some rather strange properties according to the pony who handed it over to the authorities, so I'd like for you to check it out. Hopefully it's just another horn ring like those ones I used to put on your horn as a filly for shits and giggles.

I'd like it if you'd send me a complete and thorough study of what it is, and more importantly, whether or not it's dangerous. I'd also like to make it clear right now that you cannot, I repeat, cannot keep this object once the studies are completed. For that reason, I'll be setting an aribtrary and in every way completely unnecessary deadline of tomorrow morning for you for my own sadistic pleasure. If you fail, you'll be tried for high treason and punished with a public beating with a limp noodle. I'll be the one to execute this punishment if you do.

Do not fail me like you did with the squid project, my faithful but remarkably inept student. I expect only the best out of my apprentice and will be watching your progress very closely. Very, VERY closely! So very closely that I can count the hairs in your mane kind of closely! Beware!!

Your very drunk mentor,

Celestia di Equestria, blah blah blah titles.

**P.S.* By watching closely, I do NOT mean in any way, shape, or form that I have set up cameras or bugged your basement for nefarious purposes.*

**P.P.S.* Ignore that last comment, I don't know what I was saying.*

**P.P.P.S.* Is that a Playcolt magazine I see over by the defribulator?*

**P.P.P.P.S.* Ignore that comment as well. I don't know about it because I've never seen it because I've in no way been spying on you nor have I been watching you trying to sleep while you rub your privates out of loneliness.*

The young alicorn just sighed at her mentor's antics. Drunken Celestia could be Fun Celestia when in person, but her letters were just jumpled pieces of grammatical shit whenever she tried to write as such.

Twilight looked back at her newest assignment with a bit of trepidation. If it was bad enough for Celestia to be considering another public noodle fest with someone as unimportant as her, Twilight was sure it must be very dangerous indeed.

"Okay, let's do this thing!"

With a nervous smile, the young mare picked up the ring and prepared to slip it over her horn. The worst case scenerio was that she'd have to go get Spike to remove it, so there was no real threat in experimenting if it was just your typical horn ring.

What really scared Twilight about it was the possibility that it wasn't just a normal horn ring. What if it was a cursed ring of magic rot or an extraterrestrial weapon containing every song ever written by Vinyl Scratch on an infinite repeat?!

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. Nothing good would come of panicking. Her mentor had given her an assignment, so backing out of the experiment wasn't an option. There was only one way this could go.

Twilight closed her eyes and slipped the ring over her horn, cringing a little as she did. What she saw when she opened her eyes scarred her for life.

I SEE YOU!!

"AH!! IT'S A BIG, FIERY VAGINA!!! GET IT AWAY, GET IT AWAY!!" Twilight screamed. The big gapping maw of Sauron's eye stared at her for a moment.

I SAID I SEE YOU, MORTAL!!

"Oh yes, and I see you too! MUST UNSEE, MUST UNSEE!! FIRECROTCH!!" the young mare cried out."GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU HERPES RIDDEN COOCH!!"

HEY, I'M NOT A VAGINA!! SEE ME AND FEAR THE MIGHT OF SAURON!!

"PUSSY!! YOU'RE A PUSSY!!"

AM NOT!!

"Are too!"

AM NOT!!

"Are too!"

AM NOT!!

"Are too!"

A MILLION TIMES, I AM NOT!!

"Just look at yourself! One. Big. Hairy. Vagina. Seriously, you're nothing but a cabbage muff! Now can you leave me in peace?"

The gigantic eye of eternal fire stopped himself in his tracks. Maybe there was a bit more truth to what this mare was saying than he originally thought? Perhaps he should leave for now and rethink his appearance. Was this why he got laughed out of Mordor by the Witch King? No matter.

ALRIGHT, FINE! I'LL LEAVE FOR NOW. JUST KNOW THAT I'LL BE BACK.

"Sure, come back anytime! Just make sure it's when you don't look like a REDHEAD'S VAGINA!!" Twilight hollered. Sauron grumbled as he left, muttering something about wanting a warranty.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have done some thorough research on this ring and have found it to be very dangerous indeed. The things that it has shown me are frightening to say the least. I feel that it should be locked away in a pit somewhere deep in Tartarus where only the damned may suffer its plague. Please do so post-haste.

Your faithful and very sober student,

Twilight Sparkle.

The TARDIS

Dear Twilight,

Do you know how much I hate those politicians? They're the most sorry excuses for ponies I've ever had the displeasure to meet. If there was a degree for being an incompetent, annoying, sadistic, arrogant, heartless bastard, they'd have graduated with highest honors a long time ago. Even the best coffee can't seem to dispell my current migraine.

I know that you have tried your best to be both faithful and my student, but you need to calm down. Those things aren't necessarily mutually inclusive, and having me call you both at once gets tiring. Basically, I'm tired of having to call you 'My Faithful Student' every time I greet you. Seriously, what's up with that?

Of course this isn't the main reason that I'd bother to send you a letter when you're a big enough girl to take care of yourself. As you can probably tell by the new object sitting outside your front door, I have another magical artifact for you to study. The interior is quite...interesting.

I need you to study this new artifact and, hopefully, figure out a way to derive its properties for our own uses. Normally I'd only give you a couple afternoons to do this, but seeing as to the level of severity to this matter, I shall instead give you a full week to do so. I expect at least fifty thousand words by next Friday at noon.

Your annoyed mentor,

Princess Celestia

"Well that blows," Twilight muttered. She took a moment to stretch before getting to her hooves. There was no time quite like the present and waiting would only make her fate worse.

"Hey Spike, I need you for your assistantly powers!"

"Coming, Master!" the young drake said before rushing over.

"How many times do I have to say it, Spike? I'm not a 'Master', I'm a 'Mistress' to you."

"Oh, right! Sorry, Mistress."

"Much better," Twilight said, happy to have resolved that issue. If even her own minion couldn't take her seriously enough to get her titles right, how could she expect anypony else to? "Now onto the matter of this artifact."

On the other side of the room stood a large, blue box. It had the word 'Telephone' inscribed across the top and reminded Twilight a little bit of those telegraph boxes that were interspersed throughout places like Manehatten and Hoofington.

"So this is what we're going to be studying?" Twilight asked skeptically. "I don't really see what's so impressive about an unassuming box like this. It's just a booth, isn't it?"

"Um, Twilight?"

"Ahem!" Twilight fumed.

"Sorry, I mean Mistress?"

"Yes, my faithful minion of servitude. What is it?"

"What if it's enchanted?"

"Don't be proposterous! A young drake like you couldn't possibly know something like-Wait! I have an idea!" Twilight exclaimed. "What if it's enchanted?"

"Didn't I just say-"

"There isn't time, Spike!" the purple pony princess stated as she trotted over to the mysterious artifact, carefully placing a hoof on its door. With a little trepidation, the mare opened the police box. She gasped at what she saw.

"Spike, come look at this!"

"What is it, Twilight?" the young dragon replied, hurrying over to take a look inside. The massive machinery that glared back at him left him utterly gobsmacked.

From wall to wall, rivets made of some kind of steel alloy held the cavernous ceiling above a wide and spacious interior. Dials and nobs were nestled sporadically around the room, giving the entire place a 'cyberpunk' feel. Neither of the Equestrians had seen anything remotely similar to this before.

"This is remarkable, Spike!" Twilight exclaimed, quickly rushing in before said dragon could stop her. She took a quick glance around before noticing that there were even more rooms to be explored. "It's simply amazing! Do you have my pen and paper, Spike?"

"N-no, I left it in the room..." he trailed off. They were surrounded by the kinds of technology one could only expect to find in a science fiction novel. "H-how is it bigger on the inside, Twilight?"

"It's Mistress to you, remember? And I'd assume it's a dimensional stasis spell, perhaps even its own pocked dimension, though I don't feel any magical residue."

"That's ridiculous, Twilight. Nopony believes in something as absurd as magic through technology. If that were the case, what use would unicorns be?"

"Ahem!"

"Sorry, Mistress. This place has made me forget my place."

"Much better. Now could you go and retrieve the pad and pen I mentioned?"

"Sure, Mistress," Spike responded before leaving the police box, albeit reluctantly. It took a few minutes of rummaging through their supplies, but it didn't take long to find what he was looking for. "Mistress, I have returned."

Twilight looked up from the control panel, gratefully taking the requested items from her assistant. "Thanks, Spike."

"No problem, Mistress."

She started to push yet another one of the buttons before the loud hissing sound of air being depressurized echoed around the empty police box. A moment passed before a panel opened in the wall, revealing a large sarcophagus. A certain brown stallion was sealed in it, clearly resting.

"Huh..." Twilight mused. "So that's where the Doctor sleeps."

Dear Princess Celestia,

It looks to me like there's nothing of any real danger in this box. While the fact that it can hold up a pocket dimension of its own without the use of detectable magic is indeed frightening, I could find nothing even remotely resembling weaponry aboard this craft.

There is another matter to this entirely. Do you know who or what made this device? How did you get ahold of something like this? Why isn't this all over the media and if not, how'd you keep the news of its arrival contained? This information would be truly helpful in discovering how to replicate its technology. I've made good progress on this device so far, and have also written a six thousand word thesis on it already.

Your Faithful Student Researcher,

Twilight Sparkle

Federico Fellini's 8½

"My Dears... Happiness consists of being able to tell the truth without hurting anyone."

Twilight watched in amazement as poor Guido tried desperately to escape the expectations of the world around him. The story of 8½ was so compelling that she felt like every other movie she'd ever watched paled in comparison. This...this was a true masterpiece.

"Oh Guido!" she cried out. "If only they'd let you make your own projects! How can they give you no way out and make you face all those women?"

Alas, the movie had to eventually come to a close, complete with its beautiful ending that the writer of this story isn't likely to mention since he is certifiably allergic to spoilers.

"That was...amazing!" Twilight enthusiastically stated. "There's never been a movie I could quite relate to so closely. It reminds me so much of my Royal duties and my lack of any desire to complete them."

"Well then why don't you resign?" asked Captain Buzzkill.

"Because I can't!" Twilight exclaimed, grabbing him roughly by the shoulders. "Don't you see? I'm trapped! Everypony expects me to be the 'God-Princess of Ponyville' when all I really am is an anti-social bookworm. This isn't my world, Spike."

"Well, gee, when you put it like that..."

"Here I am, stuck with obligations I never wanted as a result of doing deeds that I no longer can relate to or even wish to do! It's so maddening," she said, sighing deeply. Spike quickly wrapped his arms around her, holding the melancholic mare closely. "D-do you remember when we used to have fun, Spike?"

"Yeah, I do."

"That was rhetorical. Anyways, as I was saying, those times were great. We used to play together, Shining used to actually pay attention to me, and I was doing well at something I loved. I never expected...I never expected this."

Twilight sniffled before continuing. "We're all damned to the fates we gave ourselves, never quite understanding what we were getting into until we were far too gone. All this praise and expectation was never part of my world. I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore. I sometimes wonder if the world would even miss me if I just killed-"

A hard slap to the face brought Twilight back to her senses. "Don't you ever say that, Twilight Sparkle!" Spike shouted, a scowl on his face. "No matter what goes on or what everypony out there says, I would miss you! You're important to me."

She stared at him in shock for a moment before realizing what he meant. "Oh Spike, I'm so sorry I even said that. I-I don't know what came over me."

"It's okay, Twilight. We all have our moments," he said, stroking her mane. "Just remember that, okay? For me?"

"Okay, Spike, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my- AH!" Twilight cried out as she stuck her hoof into her eye socket for the eight millionth time. "Why can't I ever remember not to do that?"

"Habbit?"

"Maybe."

The two of them chuckled before settling back down. "Well I guess it's time for me to write another friendship report to my drunken mentor. Take a note, Spike!"

"Yes, Mistress!" the young drake answered, whipping out a quill and piece of parchment out of seemingly nowhere. "When you're ready."

"Hold on a moment, Spike. I think I'm missing something..."

"A million bits?"

"Haha, you're funny. But no, seriously, I know I'm missing something important."

Twilight thought about it for a moment before remembering what she needed. A deft motion later and the young alicorn had slapped a fedora on her head. "There! Now, as I was saying..."

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fuck off.

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle.

Legos

"To build or not to build, that is the question," Twilight ranted as she stacked yet another brick on top of her ever growing stack of Legos. "Whether it is nobler of thought or mind to suffer the hardships of proper balance, or to just throw the Legos away in shame...I am truly defeated by this conundrum."

Another lego found its way to the foundations of a wall.

"Try legos, she said! See the world, she said! Yeah right."

Hoof went to lego, lego went to project.

"It's not like she couldn't have known that I'd find this so utterly fascinating or anything."

Yet another lego was placed, this just another brick in the wall.

"Yo, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she blasted her way into the crystal treehouse. How she managed to slam through a wall without breaking all of her bones was a mystery that didn't have any answers. "I thought you said you'd meet up with us at Sugarcube Corner!"

"That's today?" Twilight asked idly as she opened another box of legos. "Well I'm sorry then, but I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment. I'll be sure to make it up to you guys soon."

"Um, that was yesterday, actually..."

"Oh."

"Yeah, and it was kinda Pinkie's birthday..."

"Oh."

More bricks found their way into Twilight's ever-growing plastic mess.

"Oh? Just oh?" Rainbow glared. "That was Pinkie's birthday. You know, the insecure party-mare who's entire life and purpose comes from spending time with others? A certain mare that's, like, your best friend? Gods you can be dense!" The irony was sadly lost on the pegasus.

"Well I'm really sorry, but my mentor explicitly asked me to study...this," Twilight stated, gesturing to the monstrosity she called 'Lego Booktopia'. "I'm making a thorough recreation of the Canterlot Archives, and I can't be bothered with parties right now."

Rainbow just stared at her for a moment before kicking one of the spires over. "Oops," she said nonchalantly.

"Why you passive agressive-"

"Yeah, what?!" she stated, quickly closing the distance between the two of them. "You going to cast magic me then? Go on, do it! Turn me into a pile of goo for all I care, you sadistic little bitch!"

Twilight quickly deflated, the sight of her friend's face menacing so close to her own taking the fight out of her.

"You obviously don't care much about your fucking best friend, so I seriously doubt you'd give two shits about what you'd do to me if I got in your way!"

"I-it's not the same-"

"It's totally the same, and you know it! Gah, you're such an insufferable ass!" Rainbow shouted. "If you want to be like that and play with your little foals' toys, feel free!"

"Hey, they're not foal's toys, you brickhead!" Twilight hollered, the insults to her beloved 'entertainment resources' quickly calling out her vindictive side. "I'll have you know that these are some of the most meaningful things I've ever had the pleasure of having spend my company, you...you Mega Blocks fan!"

"Oh, now that's so low, even for you."

"Well what else am I supposed to think? You have no respect for these precious gems!"

"And you have none for your friends!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

Twilight snarled before pouncing on her accuser. "Shut up!" she shouted, slamming her hoof into Rainbow's face. "Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!" she screamed, accentuating each word with another blow.

A pair of hooves found their way under the alicorn's diaphram. Twilight's vision was far too red with fury to realize what was happening before she felt herself fly off of her victim. It was only the matter of a moment before she found herself pinned to the ground by a rather sturdy pegasus.

"Calm the fuck down, Twilight!" Rainbow shouted in her face. Twilight struggled futilely under her for a moment before the rage started to settle. It never even occured to her that she still had magic. Rainbow didn't even notice the blood streaming out of her nose.

It took a few moments for either of them to process what had just happened before Twilight broke down.

"I'm so sorry, Rainbow!" She cried, gripping her friend tightly and letting her tears flow freely into her mane. "I-I don't know what came over me!"

"Shh, it's alright, Twi," RD cooed, hugging her friend tightly. She felt her heart pick up pace a little at the unusual contact her friend was giving her. "I know I've done some pretty stupid stuff too."

"I just hit you though..."

"Yeah, but that doesn't make you a bad pony."

"I don't know."

"Twilight, look at me," Rainbow commanded, putting a hoof under Twilight's chin. "You're a spectacular mare and a delight to be around. I could never hold a grudge against you. It's not everyday that I get to meet somepony as smart, pretty, and talented as you."

"Y-you think I'm pretty?"

"Well duh! You're a total knockout!"

"Really?" Twilight sniffled, wiping a hoof across her nose.

"Hey, you may be a total egghead," Rainbow joked, nuzzling her friend's nose. "But you're a cute egghead."

Twilight stared up into her best friend's red eyes longingly. Rainbow started to see the signs and slowly let her eyelids drop. Their mouths were just getting close when the front door slammed open.

"Twilight!" Spike shouted. "There's a letter from your...oh, um...I'll be back in...a while. Carry on!"

"Well...that killed my boner," Rainbow stated, looking back at her wings.

"Yeah, what a buzzkill. So would you like to meet up next week for another session?"

"You know it! Next time I get to be Daring Do!"

"Again?" Twilight chuckled. "Well then this time I get to be the evil villian rather than the maid."

"Are you sure?"

"I think I've got a Magical Strap-on of Doom just waiting to be discovered."

Rainbow's wings popped back out, her interest suddenly piqued.

"Forget next week, Twi. I'm ready to go!"

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thanks for having me study role-playing. I've been a bit peeved at you lately, but this is great! Rainbow and I've been trying out all kinds of interesting games, and my wings have never felt better.

Your Faithful

Best Regards

Sincerely

You know what? To hell with it! I'm using our old goodbye and you can't stop me!

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Death Note

Twilight idly flipped through the pages of the little notebook, wondering what it was that was so special about it. While the title on the front was fairly ominous (death notes always were), it seemed to be made of nothing but paper. A quick scan didn't reveal any major enchantments on it, either.

"How is this supposed to be a threat to national security?" Twilight asked to nopony in particular. "It's just paper!"

The young mare might have actually been worried about the whole situation if there were actual names in it, but as it stood it seemed to be nothing but a marketing gimmick for desperate young ponies with no lives.

It wasn't until Twilight spent enough time flipping through the pages that she noticed a distinct list of rules under the boldeneds words 'How To Use It'. Fascinated, the young mare sat back to read it.

1. The pony whose name is written in this notebook shall die.

Just reading those words made Twilight recoil in shock. This was clearly either a very sick prank or the products of a deranged mind. She couldn't even figure out why she was bothering to read it. She tried to set the notebook aside, but it was so tantalizing that she couldn't resist diving further into its contents.

2. This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in mind when writing his or her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.

3. If the cause of death is written within forty seconds of writing down the person's name, it will happen.

4. If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack.

5. After writing the cause of death, details leading to the death should be written in the next six minutes and forty seconds.

Twilight knew that she shouldn't even be considering testing it, but morbid curiousity won out. With only the slightest hesitation, she yanked the nearest quill out of her tin pencil cup and dipped it into a freshly opened bottle of ink.

'I'm going to resolve this myself,' she thought before diving onto the page. If there was one thing Twilight knew, it was that fate was the assumption of ignorant savages and the tool of wicked ponies. A rational mind like hers knew better than to believe in such hogwash.

"And done!" she cried out enthusiastically. She checked over her work to make sure that the writing was solid before letting the ink dry.

Princess Celestia

Twilight chuckled at the win-win situation she was in. It was obvious that the notebook was just the prank of some delusional imbecile, nothing to be worried over. Despite that, Twilight knew better than to make assumptions as to its validity. Even if the notebook was real, killing an immortal alicorn was next to impossible. There was no way in Equestria that this thing could kill her mentor, even if it were heavily enchanted to do so. At worst, Celestia would suddenly grow ill and blow some chunks, which would be great payback for her student.

"Oh I'm brilliant, alright!"

She closed the notebook before setting it in her saddlebags. Best not to leave such a thing in the open, even if it didn't work. Leaving a notebook titled 'Death Note' open with the name of their illustrious ruler inked in would be glaringly suspicious.

The front door burst open, Spike running up the stairs shouting "Twilight, Twilight!"

"What is it, my faithful minion?"

"Princess Celestia is dead!"

"Oh fuck me..."

"Um...alright."

"N-no, not like that!" Twilight cried out. "I'm just frustrated is all. What happened?"

"She died of a heart attack just moments ago! It's all over the news!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"You didn't have anything to do with it, did you?"

"O-of course not! Why would I do something so absurd? Besides, I haven't learned of any spells that could pull that off anyways. As my number one assistant, I thought you'd know that!" Twilight stated indignantly. Was she really that obvious?

"Okay then," Spike answered, taking his master's word for it. "Can I have any gems as a consolation?"

"No."

Orks

Twilight looked up as a portal opened in her library wall. She placed a bookmark in her current erotic novel just in case she needed to take care of whatever was coming from the other side. Her horn glowed for a moment as she placed a few cautionary runes outside of the line-of-sight.

"Can I help you?" she asked as a big, hulking figure strode through the aperture. It looked like some fires were blazing on the other side, but it was hard to tell more than that due to all of the smoke from the being's world.

"I are Gurg da Almighty! You have something of mine!"

Twilight's face scrunched up at the sour smell wafting off this strange being. Had he never heard of baths? Apparently not, his putrid musk was far too rancid for anything as basic as hygiene to be a part of his daily schedule.

"God are you ugly!" she observed, placing her book down to get up and study the creature. "I honestly can't see how even your mother could love a fact like that. They had to have specially engineered that physique too! There's a lack of any coherent magic anywhere on your person, so I'd presume that they somehow managed to program your stench into your genetics instead. Simply fascinating!"

"URG!!"

"Calm down," Twilight scolded, taking the stupid, lumbering form into her telekenesis in order to sit him down properly. "This should only take a few moments, if you don't mind?"

"UGG!!"

"I'll take that as a 'Yes, Twilight, you can feel free to experiment on me anytime!' I'm not very fluent in the language of Stupid, so you'll have to forgive me if I come across as too literate." Twilight kept her hooves and magic in constant motion while she rambled, carrying the thick-bodied brute down the stairs to her basement. She popped open the door to her laboratory as she continued ranting. "I'm assuming you're from the same universe as those weird Space Marines that came knocking last week?"

The ork just nodded in agreement, too lost in his own ineptitude to keep up with what Twilight was saying as she jabbed a thick needle into his neck. The first attempt to pierce the ork's thick hide failed, the needle breaking against his flesh. Twilight frowned before reaching for something a bit thicker. The second attempt went much better, and pretty soon a new substance was flowing into the beast's bloodstream.

"Now this might sting a little, but I promise it's nothing dangerous. I'm simply trying to see what the effects of anti-matter will have in your system, nothing too risky. Well, nothing too risky for me, that is."

The ork stared at her for a moment before his eyes rolled back and his body slumped over like a sack of moldy bricks. Twilight shook him for a moment before realizing that yes, Virginia, there was a Santa Claus.

"Wow, I really should learn to stop putting so much of my mana into my mixtures," she stated, stumbling a little as the sudden loss of energy hit her. She opened a nearby cabinet to fetch herself a mana crystal. Converting matter to anti-matter really took a toll out of her magic-pool, even if she was a nearly omnipotent goddess.

As the crystal drained itself of energy, Twilight took a quick swig of an alchemical potion to help replenish her nerves.  A quick sip and the slight aftertaste of berries later found the hyperactive bookworm back in fighting shape.

"Now then, it's time to take note," Twilight said, peering down at the now very dead ork that she'd been experimenting on. A quick study found that the life energy of her victim was absent. She sighed in annoyance before turning to her recording equipment.

"Today is the eighth of December, year of Celestia one thousand and two. I've finally found a test subject in whom I can experiment proceedures pertaining to the creation and destruction of life. Just as I'd suspected, the moment the subject died from critical anti-matter poisoning, his body lost all of its material life force. That proves my hypothesis that energy cannot be found in a person whose energy was depleted upon death. Simply put, you can't create energy from nothing."

Twilight lifted the body up as she continued with her monologue. A quick flick of her horn and the still form was placed back onto the workbench.

"I had hoped that anti-matter could work to negate this, but I suppose that such optimism was foolish of me. Simply put, I'd have been better off keeping the subject alive in order to simply transfer his energy rather than terminating it. As it stands, my experiment can't...my experiment can't do in good in..."

She paused for a moment, letting the tapes roll before throwing her notepad aside and slamming the table into the nearby wall with a frustrated scream. Twilight's blood was pounding in her ears as she blasted the nearby sound-recorder to bits of shattered metal.

A small pile of started but unfinished letters stood out on her desk, none of which would ever be finished. Twilight sat down with a tired sigh, picking up her quill and pen to write.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I miss you.

Twilight.

Pot

"So what is this stuff?"

"I think Fluttershy calls it 'golden goat' or something," Twilight stated, filling her bong with some warm water. "I don't know, I'm not that familiar with marijuana cuts."

"Have you ever smoked pot before?"

"Nope, that's why I'm technically studying it."

Twilight's hoof balled the weed into a small, little clump before putting it in the bowl. She quickly checked the location of the carb before wrapping her lips around the end of the tube and lighting.

"Is that even safe? Or legal, for that matter?"

The young princess sucked hard, letting the chamber fill with smoke. Once the chamber took on a deep, foggy appearance, she took her hoof off of the small hole and inhaled deeply. Spike watched in fascination as she held her breath for several moment before letting go.

"Wow, are you sure that's the first time?" the young drake inquired.

"Um, yeah." Twilight blushed. It had been her first time, though she had a habit of always taking her experiments seriously. Being Celestia's student came with quite a few responsibilities, one of which was to remain thoroughly clean.

"Not bad," she commented, smacking her lips. "A little strong for my tastes, but I feel quite relaxed now. You want a go?"

"Do you mean it?"

"No, I was just saying it to be random. Duh, I mean it Spike! It's not like we're going to be making a habit of smoking this stuff."

"But isn't it illegal?"

Twilight grinned, pointing at her wings. "Only if I say it is."

"Touche." Spike chuckled, taking the bong in his little hands. "Any tips on how to do this? You seemed pretty competent.

"Just treat it like any other lab experminet, Spike." She watched as he repeated the process, kindly reminding him not to slobber on the tube when he put his lips up to it.

"How does it feel?"

Spike coughed, trying to get the smoke out of his lungs. "G-great! Never better!"

"Oh Spike," Twilight said affectionately, pulling him into a hug. "I know I don't always say it very well, but you know I love you."

"Yeah, I love you too...sis."

The two of them stayed close, spending the night puffing away while periodically raiding their fridge of everything it had. Maybe Celestia's death had been a bad turn for the Equestrian economy and a pain in Luna's ass to deal with both celestial bodies, but that didn't matter. They had each other.

"Happy New Years, Spike."

Fluffle Puff

The pink, hairy abomination stood in the middle of Twilight's basement. It didn't move much; being stationary was elemental to its natural habitat. Still, Twilight observed the strange being with all of the interest of a newborn kitten with its ball of yarn.

"Oh my gosh, how're you this fluffy?!" she asked enthusiastically. "It shouldn't be physically possible for you to carry around that much fur! Is there anything underneath?" Twilight jabbed the furry beast with a quivering hoof, trying to see how far into the ball of fur she could go before hitting flesh and bone. Not surprisingly, she found none.

"Twilight, calm down!" Spike shouted, taking his goggles off to make eye contact with his mentor. "It's not like this is the only illogical thing we've studied so far."

"You're right, Spike. We've studied orcs, pot, and all manner of unusual things. There's no reason for me to lose my head." Twilight took a deep breath, calming her nerves. "But then again, what's the fun in that?"

"Oh dear God..."

"Omigosh!! YOU'RE SO FLUFFY!!"

Spike dove behind the nearest cover he could locate. Which, unfortunately, happened to be an inconveniently placed barrel of highly flammable lighter fluid. Within moments, the impending apocolypse that is Twilight Sparkle sent the room up into well lit flames as she entered her Saiyan mode.

Two hours and a long-winded public explanation later, and the dynamic duo found themselves mopping up the mess they'd made of the public library. Twilight found herself unable to get out of helping with the cleanup, much to her chagrin. Still, there were more important tasks at hand. Hoof. Fuck you.

"Twilight, we really need to work on your self-control," Spike commented, wiping up some black soot from what remained of the Golden Oaks basement. "Sometime you'll end up doing that around somepony that isn't fireproof like me, and Princess Celestia isn't here to bribe the jury anymore."

"You're right, Spike. Let's never speak of this again."

And so lemon pies were born.

Michael Bay

Twilight Sparkle and her minion watched in awe as Ponyville shook under the force of another shockwave. Plumes of smoke rose into the air as a series of explosions detonated within the city limits.

"Well," Twilight said, taking her sunglasses off. "It seems that we've found what we're looking for."

"A walking apocalypse?"

"An apocalypse? That's the name you give to this modern marvel of destructive beauty?" She sneered at her assistant. "No, Spike. This is no mere apocalypse. Such a word doesn't fit the artistic brilliance of this fine man's craft. Look at the way he turns even eating lunch into a fantastic menagerie of detonations! Spike, this is art."

"If you say so," the young drake muttered, hopping up from the lawn chair he'd been sitting in. "Do you want me to make another batch of popcorn?"

And so the two of them sat, enjoying one another's company as they watched the world they'd once loved burn. It was...pleasant.

A tightly wrapped envelope landed on the ever growing stack of friendship reports that now crowded Princess Celestia's grave. If she were still alive, she'd probably be a little annoyed by now. As it was, she could only sit and suffer in silence as her student's drunken spiels flooded her resting place. Oh the things she did for love.

She'd have read them if she were still alive. Her student meant the world to her, even if she didn't always seem to return the sentiment. Celestia wanted nothing but the best for the errant filly who still seemed to think of herself as all grown up. Hell, she'd given her wings! What an ungrateful whelp.

I've got to read that, the body thought to herself. It's been driving me crazy.

For weeks, Celestia had tried to ignore the letters. Unfortunately, the afterlife was a cruel bitch that decided it would be funny to leave the resident's soul forever bound to the now cold corpse. Thanks, M.A. Larson.

Of course, whatever she would've read would be a disappointment great adventure. There were assuredly a dozen masterpieces sitting in that pile, all waiting for the princess to crack them open and gaze them over. These 'masterpieces' would give her such heartwarming messages about how her apprentice was doing, like:

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm not going to revive you. Stop pestering me.

Sincerely,

Twilight Spurkel.

P.S. I'm drunk.

Or a great magnum opus like this:

Dear Princess Fuckwit,

I want to bang. Now. Pls text me.

With lust,

Twilight. XOXOXOXOXO

There were even a few cases where Twilight would talk about her greatest secrets, like that time she stole a book from a library or kicked a puppy for looking at her funny. Whatever the letter, Celestia still found it somehow endearing. She used to give her own loving responses in a timely manner, with such caring messages as:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I'd be happy to show you the world. My shimmering bedchambers are awaiting your presence.

With impatient love,

Princess Celestia.

It was only a matter of time before the young alicorn took matters into her own hooves and decided to bring Celestia back. What wasn't to love about the big, cake-padded flank of a goddess like her? She was irresistible and she knew it. All it would take was a little nudge...

Celestia managed to draw in enough ambient magic to cast a single, solitary spell. The trademark golden flash of her magic was a bit muted by her current state, but was sufficient to reach her bedchambers, unlock the seals on her arcane safe, pull out a certain leather bound book, and ship it off to Ponyville with a quick teleportation.

Soon.

Bad Dragon: Twilight Edition

"What. Is. This?!"

Twilight stared in shock at the...thing in front of her. It didn't take a genius to figure out what the exit was reminiscent of. A quick flick of her hoof confirmed that, yes, it did cover her anatomy quite well.

"Um, the note says that it's a 'Bad Dragon Artificial Twi-hole.' Any idea what that's supposed to mean?"

"I don't want to think about it. Why would Celestia send me something like this?"

"Because it's a strange, magical artifact that we need to assess to be sure it isn't dangerous?"

"I've already scanned this thing for any magical curses and have yet to find anything. I think it's just a...toy." Twilight shuddered.

"You know, now that I think about it 'Twi-hole' almost sounds like it's-"

"No."

"But it's even the same color as-"

"No."

"B-but it even looks like-"

"Looks like what, Spike?"

"It almost looks like your..."

"My what?" Twilight asked, scowling. She wasn't born yesterday, and she knew exactly what it was. Still, she wasn't about to give the makers the satisfaction of acknowledging that fact.

"Um, your....l-lips?"

"Gah!"

"Um, sorry?"

"First of all, it's called my 'labia' and second of all, how do you even know what my genitals look like in the first place?!"

"Twilight, you're naked."

She looked down in surprise before noticing the fact that she was very much in the nude. With a sigh, she turned back to the task at hand. Hoof. Fuck you.

"Well I do suppose that there are some other uses for this thing," she said before smirking and slipping the toy over her horn. "It does make a good looking hat, don't you think?"

Spike started choking on his own spit, trying hard not to laugh. Twilight tried not to smile, but ultimately failed and ended up joining her assistant on the floor, the two of them rolling around in a fit of giggles.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I still hate you and I'm very glad you're dead. I'm totally not completing my backlog out of nostalgia or anything like that. Also thanks for the new headwear!

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle.

There was a bright flash of light as the letter landed on top of Celestia's newly embalmed body. It sat there, waiting for its owner to open it. Of course, that wasn't likely to happen anytime soon. Right?