No matter how many times I did this, it never got easier. You could say I'm a bit pampered, accustomed as I am to fancy toilets with running water that flushes into a sewer system. Heck, at this point I'd be happy to see a port-a-potty. But no, in the jungles of Guatemala, collecting miles away from camp, there's nothing but you, the dirt, and a little plastic shovel. Toilet paper too if you're too squeamish to use a leaf, and let's face it, as a botanist, of course I'm too squeamish to use a leaf! I've seen what grows on jungle leaves, and I'd like to keep it away from my behind, thank you very much.
In case you didn't know, the answer is fungus. Lots and lots and lots of fungus.
Of course, most of it's uncatalogued, which is what brought the leader of our research team out here in the first place. The great Dr. Whitfield, a remarkably tall woman once you get her out of the lab desk, was leading our motley team of students, guides, and volunteers on a search for the uncatalogued treasures of the Maya Biosphere Reserve. As our official mycologist, (and a taxonomist on the side) she was in charge of deciding whether or not anything the rest of us found was worth hauling back to camp. As extra hands, our job as students was to point out anything we thought looked cool, and, once back at camp, perform all of the necessary culture work and paperwork required to get our samples back to the states.
Really, I was a lousy scout. I have an eye for detail, sure, but that's in the lab. Out in the jungle, there's color and things happening everywhere. I have a bad habit of getting distracted by, say, the composition of the dirt, or the growth pattern of trees, or look at all these weird insects on the bark over here! I'm not in the best of shape physically, and I'm too easily distracted, so I tend to slow everyone down.
I probably won't come out collecting again. There's plenty to see back at camp, and there'll be plenty to do once this first trip is over with. Last time the professor found a new Ophiocordyceps though, and I'd like to see that if possible. You may recognize that fungus as the one that takes over the mind of an insect and then feasts on its innards. In the fungus world, it's a rock star. People tend not to care about rusts or yeasts unless they specialize, but everyone knows Ophiocordyceps.
In the meantime, back to business. I filled in my hole when I was done, then called out to the rest of the team.
"I'm coming back!"
"Ok!"
Well, that was a slightly different angle. I guess everyone else finished already and they started moving. You see, when you're out in the jungle, there's a surprisingly large number of things that you need to look out for that can kill you very, very quickly. It's also really easy to get lost, so for a bathroom break you only go a short distance away to do your deed. Far enough that they can't see you, but still close enough within earshot so you can find the group (and the path) again.
It's really embarrassing, especially since I'd been having... exotic reactions to the local cuisine... but still better than getting lost in the jungle full of biting insects and strange fungus and, oh yeah, did you know there's three types of large hunting cats in this reserve? Jaguars, pumas, and ocelots all roam freely, and while it's highly unlikely we'll see one, in this jungle you'd be lucky to catch a glimpse as it eats your intestines.
I decided to stop thinking about my painful demise and pay more attention to my surroundings. Mahogany grows wild in this jungle, and there was a fabulous specimen just a few feet to my right-
and I fell in a hole. Ow. That's just great.
"Mark!"
"Yeah!?"
"I'm stuck!"
"Stuck how!?"
"I was looking at a tree and I fell in a hole!"
"Only you, Laurie! Only you!"
"I know, I know! Look, get the group, ok!? It's pretty deep!"
The hole was roughly circular, and it looked like the top had been concealed by leaf litter. Usually leaf litter doesn't do that, but in this jungle, where the name of the big-leafed mahogany is painfully literal, it wasn't that much of a stretch.
It reminded me a bit of the sinkholes we'd get back near my hometown in Indiana, right down to the limestone. The soil around here is leaf litter, a thin layer of very rich humus, deep clay, and the limestone, and the hole showed this perfectly. I was kind of glad it was the dry season, because even so the clay under my feet was kind of sticky and gross. I moved over to sort of the higher side of the hole, and that's when I saw it.
It was a big carving of the sun, weathered and worn, yet highlighted by the clay stuck to it. Next to it was a curious carving of two figures, doing... something. Archeology was never my strong point. Lace, however, is, and I noticed that one of them was wearing what looked like a lacy skirt. I'd heard one of the other students talking about how the Mayans would use jade beads for clothing, and I guessed this is what it looked like in stone. A man and a woman? I thought their sun god was a man, but that's about all I knew.
On the other side of the big sun was a circle with a bunch of small carvings, a calendar most likely. Maybe this was some sort of minor temple outpost at some point, before it sunk into the clay. Nice to know we Hoosiers aren't the only ones to appreciate quality limestone.
There were more carvings, but I had no clue how to interpret them. I'd let the rest of the team know, but I doubted we'd be doing anything about it on this trip. Most likely we'd let some real archeologists know about it and see if they'd be willing to come check it out. We're here for fungus, not for Mayan artifacts.
It may seem callous, but what seems like an exotic treasure to us is usually considered old garbage to the people around, or just something to loot. As a kid, there was this one creek where we used to find all sorts of arrowheads washed up. It took about 10 of them before I lost interest in them, and it didn't take long for everyone else to lose interest as well. That's what Maya stuff is like in Guatamala: either you can sell it, or it's garbage. It's not considered all that important unless it's really big, and sometimes not even then.
I heard a loud thud.
"Mark!? Is that you!?"
"Yeah, they stopped for us!"
"Let me guess, you fell in another hole!"
"Yeah, but Jeff didn't!"
"Could you go get some more help, Jeff!? Let them all know to keep to the tree trunks so they don't fall in any more holes!"
"I'm on it!"
Great, that was 1 of the 4 guys we had with us out of commision. Looks like I'd be getting mighty familiar with this hole.
Speaking of which, some rare break in the canopy was allowing light to shine on the big sun, and it looked all... shimmery. I know limestone, though, and limestone just doesn't do shimmery, not in the rough like this. Surely any polish or paint they put on it years ago had long since worn away.
Maybe it was some sort of fluorescent algae? With nothing better to do I reached my hand forward, completely unaware of the possible consequences of that action. My grimy hand touched the warm stone, and my whole world changed forever.
Discord was in Tartarus.
Literally, as it happened to be. The mirror portal that ol' Sunbutt McNoFun had forbidden him access to had a dark twin down here, and she had not expressly stated he couldn't use it. It was run by blood magic, and of course cursed on top of that, as evil artifacts always were, and would dispense lots of blood, alien body parts, ceramics, and gold from time to time.
Discord had no real purpose here, but he had some free time and the irrepressible urge to cause mischief could not be denied. Idle thoughts of building a meat dragon or using the gold as a prize to get more ponies to run through his impossible hedge maze danced through his head. Sure, the princess of cake forbade him from stealing the natural talents of ponies, but she'd said nothing about the maze itself, which of course meant he was free to do however he liked.
Sadly, it seemed as though the dark mirror had been defunct for some time. Disappointed, Discord was considering leaving his mark on the piece before returning to Ponyville, perhaps a few wings or polka dots that changed colors, when the portal started to glow.
Delighted, Discord waited eagerly for the disgusting gift the dark magic would dispense. He hoped for a few bones in the lot, they made such wonderful prank gifts.
Sadly, it was not to be. All the portal dispensed was a pathetically thin creature, which promptly fell on its face into the centuries-old gore. To top it off, it had the audacity of being both alive and unconscious, and thus entirely useless for his purposes. Discord frowned. How inconsiderate.
With a snap of his talons, the body levitated into the air behind him like a rag doll, and floated in his wake as Discord made his exit. Perhaps Fluttershy would want it, but first he had a few pranks in mind...
Princess Luna was having a bad day. First of all, it was day, the time when all good Night Princesses should be asleep. However, her sister had insisted her presence was needed for this boring state function, and so, armed with a venti half-caf vanilla hazelnut latte, hold the whip cream, also known as her usual, Princess Luna forced herself to endure with all good grace.
That is to say she was sulking in the corner, staring off into space and not acknowledging anypony that came near her. Princess Celestia had noticed, of course, but was too wrapped up in what would politely be referred to as, "civil discussions," and what she would refer to in private as, "foolish nobles failing to butter her up" to do anything about it. Hopefully there would be a break in the conversation so she could get away.
Unfortunately, said break in the conversation only heralded worse things to come. What walked into the room was a being that was clearly, at least according to the princesses' senses, both entirely unconscious and being puppeted by chaos magic. The poor thing's head rolled to the side, and its two forelegs hung straight out in front of it as though it were a zombie. It broke into a shambling walk, and seemed to take no notice of the few nobles that had stopped to stare at it, instead making a beeline for...
Oh no. Please. Not that. Not when she was behaving herself so well.
Princess Celestia abruptly broke off civil discussions with her current group of little ponies, turned, and pushed through clowders* of nobles as quickly as she could without shoving them out of the way, but she knew in her heart already that it was too late.
A group of cats is called a clowder, or a glaring. It seemed appropriate.
The puppet had stopped directly in front of Princess Luna, who still had not registered its presence. The upper half of its body slowly leaned forward, at an angle impossible had it actually been standing on its feet. It gently brushed its hand over the front of Luna's face, and a high pitched voice said, altogether too loudly, "Boop!"
Princess Luna stared uncomprehendingly at the figure before her.
"Didst thou... didst thou just boop Our nose?"
Giving a mocking little bow, the creature began to dance, singing quite loudly and still in that ridiculous high-pitched voice,
"Loony Luna! Loony Luna!
She's as crazy as a tuna!"
With a snarl, Princess Luna lept out of her seat, intent on strangling the little monster. The creature quickly flew backwards and raced around the room, the Princess in hot pursuit, still singing that awful little ditty. It went on, and on, questioning Luna's sanity, stature, ability to lead, fly, do magic, read, and always coming back to that annoying little refrain.
Princess Celestia sighed. No hope of normalcy left for this party.
"Please stop this, Discord." Princess Celestia sighed, tiredly resigned. "You've already done enough."
"Meesah think yousah too fat to catcha me!" It cried out mockingly.
Princess Celestia saw red. For a moment, she wanted very much to join Princess Luna in dashing about the room to strangle the creature. But centuries of practice reasserted themselves, and Princess Celestia calmed down to see the obvious solution.
She smirked, an expression that surprised many of the ponies still in the room, and calmly cut the magical strings that tied the lifeless body to the Chaos cretin.
"Discord," she said in a sweet tone through clenched teeth, "I suggest you leave now before I do something drastic."
Discord reappeared in an aura of yellow light, completely immobilized by conventional magic. That would never stop Discord, of course, but it served as a warning. Discord could sense the barely-contained fury of the Sun Princess, and knew it would be best to take his leave while he still could.
"Hmph. You're no fun." he pouted, before disappearing completely.
Princess Celestia sighed again.
"All right, everypony," she called to the nobles still in attendance, "I'm afraid we must end this early. Next week we shall try again, but for now I ask that you take your leave."
A few grumblings from the nobles at the possibility of missing more drama aside, they left without complaint.
Princess Luna was standing over the puppet's body.
"We would have killed them, Sister." She whispered, eyes pinpricks at what she'd almost done.
"It's all right, Luna," Celestia offered, draping a wing over her sister, "he is trying at the best of times."
"Now, what are we to do with-" Princess Celestia got a good look at the creature's face for the first time and froze. The tiny eyes. The neutral color scheme. The five digits instead of four. A very horrific memory that she hoped she'd buried entirely suddenly resurfaced, and her tail unconsciously wedged itself between her legs.
Princess Luna, noticing how far back her ears were, ceased her own guilty preoccupation to ask, "Sister, what is it?"
"It's evil!" Celestia shrieked, "It's come back for the rest of me!"
And with that, Princess Celestia, leader of the nation, avatar of the sun, most powerful being in a several hundred mile radius, turned around and fled.
Princess Luna looked down at the creature and poked it with the tip of her shoe. It squished organically. Luna frowned.
"Eew."
The Elements of Harmony were en route to Canterlot.
"I've never seen her hornwriting this large and angular, Spike," the alicorn argued, "according to my book on graphology, that means she was panicked when she was writing this. What in Equestria could possibly have Princess Celestia panicked?"
"Calm down, Twi." Applejack stated, "I'm sure whatever it is, the Elements can handle it just fine."
They had been going around in this circular conversation for the better part of an hour, now, and everypony was relieved when they touched down in Canterlot. Thanking the pegasi that had pulled their chariot, Princess Twilight and her friends turned and made their way towards the palace.
Or, they would have, had a yellow aura not yanked them through a teleportation field directly into the palace itself. They found themselves in a medium sized sitting room, the kind Princess Celestia would host informal tea parties in.
Apparently the Princess had gotten started without them; she was levitating a teapot, and as there were no teacups placed, it looked as though she had been drinking straight from the spout. Her visible eye twitched, and the tail clamped between her legs was not helping her appearance at all.
After a moment of staring in fascinated horror, Twilight ventured, "Princess, what's wrong?"
"They've come back for me." Celestia whispered, visible eye locked on Twilight, "They couldn't do it last time and now they've come to try again."
"Who's come back?" "Try what again?" Always quick with the questions, was Twilight.
Princess Celestia stood, and did something Twilight never expected to see her do. She took a deep breath, bringing her foreleg in, and let it out slowly, extending her foreleg. She did this three times, but all the while, her tail never raised itself to its proper place.
Thoroughly unsettled, Twilight waited for her mentor to tell her what was going on.
