I Do?

by Deshamable

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 1226

Two princesses get drunk, and a proposal so absurd is made one of them can't get enough and the other one just wants to take it back.

It's easy to imagine that princesses act oddly when they're drunk; confessing a thousand years of true love, making claims so blunt or disorderly they would never be made normally... or agreeing to things so absurd that no one ever would.

And then legal things get mixed in. And then you have a princess who's dug herself a hole so deep she'll need an extra set of wings to escape it.

Published 2014-07-25 08:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-25 08:30:01 UTC

True Love, For Sure

A heavy night of drinking, shouts, and laughter plenty enough to get Pinkie Pie high. These were the only “details” the princess of the sun, Celestia, could remember as she woke in her lush, luxurious bed. The soft, light, yet thick covers aided her in gaining a layer of sweat over her body during her deep, alcohol-induced slumber. A startling, slightly frightful realization hit her: did she remember to set the sun last night?

Celestia dashed out of bed and nearly slammed into her window to get a desperate look outside, but was glad to see her beautiful sun on the correct path, and only a few hours behind. A golden glow from her horn corrected this.

As her horn glowed, she began to feel something… odd, on it. In fact, to Celestia, it almost felt like a ring.

Celestia continued to watch the sun rise.

It was a ring.

Somewhere far away, an entire lake disintegrated as the sun’s heat intensified impossibly for a few seconds.

Surely nopony would be foolish enough to attempt seducing the one and only Princess Celestia while she was feeling tipsy, Celestia tried to assure herself while pacing within her room. Ponies often froze up and acted differently any time she was within their vicinity! Of course, she had to consider, alcohol does a lot of things to the pony mind, most noticeably impairing their judgement. Celestia’s pacing sped up. Alcohol must have been a heavy influence; there’s no way she would accept a random marriage proposal, otherwise! She had her eyes set on Twilight for so long…

Celestia stopped and whispered harshly to herself, scoldingly, “Damn it, Celly, wait for her to be a few hundred years old before thinking things like that.”

She almost missed the knock at her door due to the overwhelming disappointment she was feeling, in nopony else but herself. An exasperated sigh combined with a “come in” were all the poor princess could really think to react with.

The door was pushed wide open as Princess Luna entered the room, sending waves of relief through Celestia. And then shock. And then worry.

Celestia was ready to order guards away so that they wouldn’t question the ring she was wearing, and ready to simply lie to Twilight or anypony else that she was only trying it on if she’d ever wanted to get married in the distant future. With Luna, neither option was available.

Her younger sister’s expression was one of meek surprise, quickly making way for one of excitement and happiness. “Sister! You are truly going through with it?”

Confusion washed over Celestia. Whatever she had agreed to the previous night, it clearly made Luna happy… which meant that Luna remembered what it was. “Go through with what?” She didn’t so much care about getting the ring off or denying whatever marriage proposal she had drunkenly accepted. She just wanted to figure out what in tartarus had happened.

“Marriage!” Luna was beaming as she ran up and hugged her sister tightly, her embrace calming. “To Our flank!” The embrace broke quickly.

“Your flank?” Celestia questioned quickly, blushing. “Y-Your flank proposed to me?”

Luna giggled, shaking her head. “Of course not! You proposed to Our flank!”

This news didn’t make Celestia any happier. More questions and confusion swept through her mind, resulting in a groan mixed with a whisper: “Why?”

“Well,” Luna turned away and raised her rump, giving Celestia a good view of her new bride, “We were rather drunk ourselves, otherwise We wouldn’t have allowed Our sister to make such a proposal…” She scuffled her hooves for a few moments. “But… ‘Tis already done. All of the paperwork went through; you are now eternally bonded to Our flank. Congratulations!”

“But it’s against Equestrian law…! We can’t be married, we’re sisters!” Celestia felt mildly annoyed as well as fairly violated. Had she kissed Luna’s flank the previous night…?

“Do not be silly, sister! You are not marrying Us!” Luna giggled, shaking her still-presented plot, her tail lightly brushing across Celestia’s face as she did so. “You are being married to Our flank! There is no law against that.”

“But it’s a part of you!”

Luna pouted slightly. “Are you saying that Our parts are unappealing…?”

Celestia shook her head quickly. In truth, Luna was one of the most attractive ponies she had known; she had actually grown to assume that alicorns are born beautiful. Especially in Twilight’s…

...Twilight.

Realization hit Celestia in the face like a sack of metal blocks. If she was married to Luna’s flank, there was no hope in her relationship with Twilight. She not only let somepony else into her life, but it wasn’t even a pony; it was the rear end of one. And her own sister, no less. Celestia began to feel sick.

“Is divorce an option…?”

Luna scoffed, looking disappointment-stricken. “A princess? Getting a divorce? Do you want the media of every town getting ahold of this information?”

“I’m married to your ass!”

“Even more reason We think you want this hidden.”

“But-”

Celestia was silenced as Luna’s tail pushed against her mouth. There was little force, but it was enough to tell her that her sister wanted her to be quiet.

“We will not be having any more butts, for now Ours belongs to you,” Luna smirked as she gained a relatively dominant tone. “And you belong to Our butt as well, sister. ‘Tis true love; who are We to judge?”

Celestia was getting frustrated. “But I’m the one in love…!”

Luna gasped, seeming even more excited. She was enjoying this far more than Celestia would have liked. “Did We just hear you admit you are in love with Our plot? Sister, We knew you would come around!” Luna laughed heartily, suddenly backing up and pushing her hindquarters against Celestia’s face. The poor princess quickly backed away from the blue cheeks enveloping her vision, turning her head in whatever direction wasn’t filled with lunar plot.

“Luna, please, this is not a joke!”

“But of course, sister, We know you are entirely serious with your relationship!”

Smack.

Celestia was confused for a long moment before she realized what she had done. Luna was in a state of mixed shock and surprise, staring back at her sister. At least she had stopped moving, Celestia thought.

Removing her hoof from Luna’s round flanks, Celestia could only mutter an awkward, “Um… sorry.”

Luna’s expression quickly shifted to one of anger. “We can not believe Our own sister just smacked Us in the…!” She blushed hotly, stomping over to the doorway. “The nerve!”

Poor Celestia honestly wasn’t sure what Luna was really upset about. Surely one slap wasn’t as much of a violation as shoving one’s rear in another pony’s face, but it was clear that Luna was either truly angry or a very good actress.

As Luna left, she poked her head back in the doorway and gave one last shout, “We are filing a report of domestic violence! You should be ashamed!”

Author's Note

Celestia eventually apologized to Luna, allowing the loving couple to live happily ever after. The end.

This was my attempt at a one-shot. Completed in one day with no prior planning and far different from the other stories I've posted on FiMFiction. Still, I hope you enjoyed it!