Celestia vs. The Talking Sandwich
"Go find Luna. I have an extremely important request for her." Celestia pointed her hoof dramatically towards her sister's room. The guards nodded and trotted off.
Luna trotted over to her sister's throne. "I am right here. They shall be searching for hours unless you call them back before they're gone."
"Meh. Luna, I have something very important to ask you."
"Yes, yes, what is it?"
"Keep in mind that this is a very serious thing. The fate of Equestria could very well hang in the balance!"
Luna became panicked. "Really? What happened? Was someone freed? Is Discord acting up? I think I saw a unicorn flying outside my window..."
Celestia shook her head. "That's just Twilight. No, this is much more serious."
Luna's eyes almost popped out of her head. "More serious than an attacker..." The moon princess' jaw dropped. "Celestia, are you... d-d-dying?"
Celestia shook her head once more, clearly becoming frustrated. "No! Much more grave than anything you could possibly fathom, my sister!"
"How could your death be less grave than anything? Celestia, you must tell me what's happening!" Tears streamed down Luna's face.
Celestia took a very deep breath, then paused for dramatic effect. Finally, she said firmly, "I'm hungry. Will you make me a sandwich?"
Luna froze, then flew directly in front of her sister. "Celestia, listen to me very, very carefully. If... you... ever... request something so... ridiculous... I will corrupt not only myself, but the Elements of Harmony, Cadence, and Discord. Do you understand me?"
Celestia groaned and threw her head back. "Luna, I'm hungry! You always made me sandwiches, even when you were a tiny little filly!"
"Celestia, I was sent to the moon for a millennia! Surely you learned how to make your own sandwich in that time!" Celestia shuffled her hooves awkwardly. Luna facehoofed. "Then you must've had somepony else make you a sandwich!" Celestia's hooves continued their shuffling. Luna landed back on the ground, glaring at her sister. "You're the princess of the day, you have amazing and almost endless powers, you have a fantastically long lifespan, and yet you can't make your own sandwich. Pathetic, Tia!"
"Please, Luna! I'm hungry! Just one little sandwich!"
"You know where the kitchen is. Make it yourself!"
"But I don't know how!"
"A sandwich is whatever you want to eat between two slices of bread. It's very simple! I have business to attend to, anyways." Luna trotted away.
"But, Luna, I still-"
"La, la, la la la la la! La, la, TRE LE LO!" Luna put her hooves over her ears and flew out of the castle as fast as she could.
Celestia sighed and trotted to the royal kitchen. Nopony was there, assuring Celestia of no possible humiliation.
"Let's see... bread." She looked through every single cupboard. They were filled with all kinds of fabulous ingredients, from the lowly dandelion to a fantastical raspberry vinegar mixed with a thyme-infused olive oil in a golden bottle. But there was no bread to be found.
She did, however, find a book on making bread. She looked over it and read it aloud, sounding everything out as if she were in magic kindergarten. "Take... tree- no, no, three... c-cups of... floo-er? No, wait, flour!" She put the book down for a moment. "That's a weird way to spell 'flower'." Celestia looked through the kitchen for a coffee mug, then a large bowl. She filled the cup three times, dumping it out each time. She had a lovely little assortment of flowers, including roses, nasturtiums, daisies, marigolds, and even a dried poison-joke.
"Now... add... three.... fours... no, forts... no, fourths... of a cup of... wa-ter." Celestia cut one-fourth of the glass off and filled it with water, dumping it into the bowl. "Add... a pack... age... package... of... yee-ayst? Yeh-ast? Yeast! Yeast!" The snow-white princess rummaged through the cupboards until she found a large bag of yeast, then proceeded to pour the entire package into the bowl.
"Mix... tho... roughly... tho-roo-ly? Thoroughly!" Celestia beat the mixture with her hooves, getting water and yeast everywhere. When it was finally all blended, Celestia picked up the book and read the next step. "Let... rise... for an...n hour. An hour?! That's horrible!" She rolled her eyes. "I'll make it rise myself!" Celestia used her magic to make the bread about as tall as her horn, then stuffed into a bread loaf and threw it into the oven.
"Cook at... three-hundred and fifty degrees... aren't degrees used in circles? Oh, well." Celestia sighed and sat down, waiting for the bread to be done.
Luckily, a royal baker trotted in. "Hello, your Highness! May I ask what you're doing in here?"
"Waiting for my bread to bake so I can make a sandwich."
"Well, that's fine and dandy, but there's a breadbox right here. And... did you turn the oven on at all?..."
"Oh. Thank you, that's all." Celestia tossed the baker out of the room and pulled the bread out. "Okay, take two slices... now, I want arugula, lamb's quarters, an egg, a Brandywine tomato, a gilded onion, dried Heart's Desire, a purple carrot, and a phoenix feather for good luck..."
She looked through everything and managed to find everything but the phoenix feather. "Darn! I better find Philomena."
She galloped to her room. "Hello, Philomena!" Philomena crowed a greeting to her owner. "I just need this..." She pulled a feather out of her bird's tail, then trotted off.
A bluebird flew to Philomena. "Any news, Dictator Bruto?"
"Yes. The white pony is to die at dawn."
Meanwhile, Celestia was about to put her sandwich together when a mouse scuttled across the table. She used her magic to swat it off, but sent sparks everywhere, including on her sandwich. She ignored the sparks and assembled her sandwich.
She picked it up with her sandwich, squeezing it a bit. "Not as firm as Luna makes it... and it smells funny... but it's close enough."
Just as the princess was about to take a bite, a loud scream interrupted her meal.
"You monster! How dare you try to consume me!"
Celestia froze; Luna's sandwiches never talked. "I'm hungry. I have to eat you."
"Why?"
"Because I'm a pony and you're just a sandwich."
"Just a sandwich?! How dare you! I deserve much more respect, you tyrant!"
"But I made you so I could eat you!"
"Correction: you assembled me. And while I am grateful for that, I am not going to let you eat me!" The sandwich floated out of her hooves, clearly agitated.
"What the- get back here!" Celestia grabbed the sandwich and took a bite out of it. "That's enough of that," she muttered as she chewed.
The sandwich was silent, then began screaming at the top of its lungs. "You are pure evil! I must destroy you! Ready, various sandwich components?"
A tiny voice shouted, "Ready!" A bright blue light surrounded the sandwich as it blasted a powerful beam of magic at Celestia.
The princess went flying smack into Queen Chrysalis for some reason.
Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at her. "What are you doing here?"
"My sandwich defeated me!"
"Well, now you know how I felt at the wedding."
Author's Note
Some foods really are mean. When I eat beans, they start beating up the rest of the food in there, so I end up puking. I've tried explaining this to my parents, but they say I'm just being picky.
I like the word 'fantastical'.
