The Nano-percent: A Conversion Bureau that Never Was

by TundraStanza

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Adventure, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3651

Alicorns, gryphons, and dragons... oh my! But there's more to TCB than that.

Rhetorical Concept: There are over a hundred stories revolving around the Conversion Bureau universe in which the protagonist contemplates becoming a pony or is a pony right from the get-go. Typically, he/she takes the form of an earth pony, a unicorn, or a Pegasus. Every once in a while is the needle-in-the-haystack story regarding a person who changed into an alicorn. There are even a handful of gryphon and dragon transformations.
But what about the even rarer gene, the one that is immune to the serum's magical, technological properties? What becomes of them? Here I attempt to address that concept. Here is the percent so small, that most individuals would never consider this possibility.
---
The Conversion Bureau belongs to Blaze (and everyone else that worked on it).
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to Hasbro Studio.
Persona belongs to Atlus.

Published 2012-04-14 22:02:08 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-14 22:02:08 UTC

Honored One

The Nano-percent: A Conversion Bureau that Never Was

Chapter 1: Honored One

How could this happen? It wasn’t by any remote means possible. I walked down the hallway in silent reflection. It used to be a stairway to heaven. Now it was the dock of shame from Total Drama Island. But there was no campfire, no marshmallow, and no coming back next season.

My name is Erica “Yukkiko” Denise. It means “honored snow on the mountain of Zeus”. Yet contrary to its meaning, I’d somehow ended up in the unkempt valley of depression. Having the name Acacia Trista, or “the thorn of sorrow”, would have matched my life’s situation better. What deities would trounce my pursuit of happiness?

Breakfast that day consisted of tofu and bell-pepper omelets. They weren’t bad. Plus, it assured me that protein was not scarce in the diet that I anticipated obtaining in the near future.

That led me to wonder what I would be. Flying kind of scared me and channeling and the thought of having a completely new power with nothing but my mind disturbed me. I bet I was one of the few people that hoped they would become an earth pony. Though, that phrase is kind of an oxymoron, “earth pony”. These Equestrians didn’t originate from Earth, yet they had a sub-species called “earth pony”. I found that very strange.

It was then that I realized some guy had been talking to me for the past 12 minutes and I hadn’t given a response to his last question. Being the intellectual type has its downfalls. Conversation is awkward, large gatherings freak me out, and I get way too obsessed when I read a good book or watch a great movie.

“Sorry, what did you say?” I asked with a sheepish smile.

“Stay with me, Yukkiko. I asked what you think of that hot chick pony that delivered the lecture yesterday. You think I have a shot with her?”

Turning to fully him I raised my eyebrow saying, “Y…you’re crushing on Rarity? Isn’t she already taken?”

“Hey, I’m just searching for options here,” he said defensively, “Besides, her body was practically begging to be looked at.”

At this I had to face palm. “Barry, there’s more to an individual than their physical appearances. You have to get to know them personally before you decide you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with her.”

“Yukkiko,” he sighed, “you’re so old-fashioned. Getting the action is the most important aspect. Most relationships don’t last five years.”

“That’s because the ones involved didn’t wait for after marriage to fully commit,” I pointed out.

He paused a second before sighing again, “You’re right, Yukki-chan. What would I do without your words of wisdom?”

“You’d collect a mess of STD’s before being forced by a doctor to quit sleeping around,” I said with a flat tone. At this we both laughed.

“I love your humor,” Barry beamed, “It can’t be replicated because each line is so unique and perfectly timed.”

“I know,” I smiled before I resumed eating.

I was back in my temporary bedroom, once again reading the Left Behind series by Tim Lahaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. It was amazing what the book of Revelation, a couple authors, and imagination could create. It truly was an art of the apocalypse.

“Um, Erica…Denise? Is that how you say it?” a fairly thick, southern accent sounded over the intercom, “It’s your turn or something. Consarn it, Pinkie Pie’s better at this than…*click*.”

Immediately putting a bookmark on the page I was on before closing my book, I rose off the bed. I couldn’t believe it was that time already. The wait was over.

“Go get ‘em, Yukkiko,” encouraged my roommate Hawk. I nodded once in reply. Without another word, I was practically skipping down the hall to the “authorized personnel only” door.

Everything had gone smoothly. I had changed out of my clothes into the sort of bag-like gown that would allow room for a changing newfoal. Rarity had given me a look of comfort and encouragement.

“Bottoms up, darling.”

I had swallowed the artificial grape taste in one gulp. I was out like a light.

No dream.

That was where this snowball of disaster had started. All of the previous converts had at least mentioned some dream about being in fields, soaring through skies, and meeting the princesses of Equestria. But I didn’t experience anything.

It was literally the deepest sleep I had ever been in.

Why? I thought, Why me?

The purple-maned, white unicorn had been courteous enough to levitate my clothes back to me. I slowly put them all back on before leaving the room. I walked down the hall slowly with my eyes cast down on the tile floor. Some people and ponies were peeking out the doorways, but I hardly noticed them.

I couldn’t even take pleasure in the fact that I had avoided becoming a unicorn or Pegasus. I was still the bipedal Homo Sapien that I was born as. I reflected the words that the assistant doctor had told me after I had woken up.

“I had heard scattered reports where one in a million people have the gene that allows them to become an alicorn. The odds were so infinitesimally small that most of the bureaus dismissed the possibility. But never have I heard of a gene that resisted the conversion altogether. I guess you’re living proof that such a gene exists.”

I walked into the bedroom, kicked off my shoes, and fell onto my bed face-first into the pillow. I released tears and sobs. I didn’t want to be “special”. I just wanted to live in peace like everyone else.

“Hey, what happened?” said a voice I assumed was Hawk’s. My only response was more muffled wails.

“Did they not let you take the stuff?”

I just wanted him to shut up. Some unknown force must have hated me today because I heard Hawk get off his bed and I felt him tap my back.

“Come on, Yukkiko. What’s wrong?” Hawk asked. I muttered an unintelligible phrase into my pillow.

“Say that again? Maybe without the pillow this time.”

At this point I was too frustrated to care if he heard or not so lifting my head out of the pillow I nearly shouted, “It didn’t work!”

“Woah! What?” he stood there flabbergasted.

“I’m immune! Some stupid DNA sequence that somehow makes it impossible for the serum to change me. Are you happy now?” I’m pretty sure my anger could be heard by everyone in the hall.

“Wow…gosh. I… I’m sorry, Yukkiko,” he was struggling with whether to say anymore. I could tell.

I don’t think I left the room again until dinner that evening. Why did hunger make food taste better? I was bitter. I should have eaten something bitter to match my mood. Confound this cinnamon apple cobbler for dessert. I was in no mood to enjoy something so delicious.

A/N: There may be a few shout-outs in this story but I'll never remember them all. I gain no profit from this.

Snow

Snow is cold and it melts quickly.
It's transient...
...worthless.

They came from out of nowhere, to save my worthless life.

And I don't deserve it.

Chapter 2: Snow

I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. That night, Barry had convinced me to go out to the field area where the “barrier” bubble was. Heh, maybe I thought that touching it again would reinforce the sad reminder that I would never be let into the Equestrian Eden. I reached out to it expecting the physical resistance I had felt the last time I touched the barrier.

“Wha…? What the heck?” I stared not understanding what was going on. My hand was somehow going through the barrier. I didn’t feel like anything was blocking it and I could still feel the wiggling of my fingers from that hand. I pulled my arm back to confirm I still had that hand. All five fingers came back unharmed and still in the same condition they were in before.

“H…How did you…?” asked Barry. His voice was shaking.

“I… I don’t know,” I answered honestly. My voice was shaking too. Slowly, Barry tried imitating what I had just done. His hand met the barrier with solid resistance. He had his eyebrow raised in confusion.

“I wonder if you can do that with the rest of your body,” he suddenly assumed a pondering pose.

“What?! Barry!” I looked at him with shock and disbelief.

“Well, why not?” he continued.

“Because,” I started, “Uh… hm… give me a minute.”

“Yukki-chan!” he shouted.

“Augh! Fine, I’ll do it,” I conceded, “but if I die, I swear my soul will find a way to strangle you in your sleep.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Barry deadpanned.

I gulped as I started walking toward the barrier. This was absolutely insane. I didn’t want to do this.

Why am I doing this? I thought.

I just walked right on through the visible wall. Upon passing through, I initially couldn’t see anything. But then, my eyes adjusted to the dimly lit field. The moon and stars were the only things lighting the night sky.

“My gosh,” I gasped, “It’s clearer than the sky I just left.” It was true. The almost craterless face of the Equestrian moon revealed the field of grass and almost cartoonish flowers. I was so entranced with the scene that I just started walking deeper in. In the distance I saw a slightly more mountainous region and the castle of the kingdom Equestria.

“Is that… Canterlot?” I wondered. Although at that point, my mind decided to do a double-take. What was I doing? I needed to get back to assure Barry that I wouldn’t be haunting him in his sleep. But when I went back to where I thought I had entered the barrier, I found that I was still walking through the field. A little worried, I started running in that direction. I still wasn’t passing the barrier.

“Well, crud,” I said as I slowed down to a stop, “I’m stuck in here.” I wasn’t as terrified as I thought I would be. Oddly, I was kind of relieved at my inability to return. I was the first non-ponified human to ever step on Equestrian soil.

There was a catch to such wondrous news, however. The fact that I was here could cause a panic and several interrogations that I wouldn’t be able to answer. The serum doesn’t work on me and neither does the barrier. Who would believe my story? I didn’t believe it.

“Well,” I tried to reason, “according to the majority of either species, Princess Celestia is the most all-knowing in Equestria. Maybe she can help me figure out what I should do.”

It was settled then. I started what would most likely be a long trek to Canterlot.

“Erica Denise,” I breathed to myself, “that was the worst idea you’ve ever had.” I was tired and sweaty by the time I was within a street block’s distance from the city gates. It was good thing I had already eaten dinner earlier or I might’ve had to add hungry to the list.

Then another thought hit me, Oh, darn it. That’s right! Any princess is sure to have guards of some sort. Sure enough, two gray unicorns in royal armor stood on either side of the gates.

I suppose I could just walk up to them and ask nicely, my mind sarcastically thought. This was not going to be easy. Improvising ideas was not my forte. In fact, I wasn’t very strong with taking initiative in general. For what seemed like hours, I just stood there in a stupor clearly in the guards’ view but they either didn’t notice me or didn’t care.

After that awkward silence, I thought, Oh well. What the heck, in an almost uncaring mood. I literally decided to just walk up and politely ask them to open the gates.

“Ah, yes. Ms. Denise, was it? The Princess is expecting you,” one of the guards said as they moved slightly farther apart to allow room to pass.

Well that caught me off guard (no pun intended). She was expecting me? The Princess was expecting me? That didn’t make sense. She already knew I was coming. I decided not to ponder this for too much longer and entered the open gates. Slowly, they shut behind me as I looked at the castle in all its glory.

It was shimmering in colors that were only available to a nighttime viewing. The most prominent color was a faded pearl-white. A white Pegasus guard was waiting at the front entrance of the castle.

“Follow me, please,” he ordered, only turning back toward me once before resuming his trot down the halls to I-didn’t-know-where. I hastily walked to catch up and maintain a position just behind and to the right of him.

Next time:
I am thou and thou art I.

Mountain of Zeus

You are your own worst enemy.

~Marcus Tullius Cicero

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

~Sun-tzu

Chapter 3: Mountain of Zeus

I'm not entirely sure what happened. One minute, I was walking down a moonlit hallway next to a Pegasus in armor. The next, I was alone walking down a pitch black open space on a path made of pure white light. I was absolutely terrified at the sudden change in scenery.

I am thou and thou art I.

An unfamiliar voice rang through my head and all around me. A splitting headache forced my hands to grab my temples. What was going on? I didn't know but it hurt.

From the see of thy soul I rise.

As the headache subsided, an unfamiliar blue light that was shaped like a card appeared in my hand. I felt an something replacing my fear.

Confidence. I felt nothing but overwhelming confidence. A new word danced around my head before I slowly shouted it aloud.

"Per...so...NA!" With that I crushed the card and it erupted into blue flames that didn't burn.

A strange presence appeared and stood above me. It resembled a white alicorn with a vermillion mane and bright blue eyes.

I am Soleanna goddess of creation.

I blacked out.

I was dreaming. But which parts... were the dream?

I vaguely remembered a conversation with Princess Luna. There was a matter of some power that only I had and that one of her old foes had somehow revitalized itself and an imposter of her mother. I still couldn't wrap my head around it.

I never asked for "neutral" magic, whatever that was. It wasn't my choice to remain a human. Frankly, I wasn't too happy about having been dragged into a destiny that was a personal problem of the Princesses. Sure, I wanted to serve them but not by being their weapon or super soldier.

I suppose it could be worse, I thought, I could be stranded on a deserted island or suffering from nuclear radiation poisoning. My mind loved to play with worst-case scenarios. It gave me a bit of a realistic approach to life's problems even though some people dismissed my attitude as pessimistic.

It had been a long weekend and I was furiously fatigued. I didn't want to confront "Discord". Was it too much to ask for a simple life with simple problems and simple solutions? Apparently, karma thought it was and decided to trip me with a tree root.

"Oof," I grunted upon impact with the ground. This just wasn't my day. On the bright side, my glasses stayed intact. On the down side was everything else. Did I mention the numerous, destructive creatures that tried to eat, maim, or kill me in the Everfree?

Oh great, I thought, Now I'm starting to narrate with my inner thoughts, ugh.

Cockatrices sucked. Hydras sucked. Timber wolves (pun turned literal) sucked. Sure I had an all-powerful alternate me called a Persona to fight them but that didn't make encounters any more pleasant.

"How much farther do I have to go?" I sighed out of exasperation, "What more do you want from me?" I was missing my organized, straightforward life back on Earth more and more. I liked being anonymous and behind the scenes. I didn't want to be special and I certainly did not want to start a battle that several ponies struggled in for centuries. Why was I doing this?

I missed Barry's immature jokes that I laughed at anyway. I missed Hawk's optimistic counseling whenever I felt depressed. Heck, I even missed the conversations in the background by other pre-converts that I didn't know. I should never have crossed that barrier. I should have left well-enough alone.

How did it come to this? I'll never know for sure. One second, I was taking another turn on the beaten path. The next, I was confronting the targets Princess Luna had given to me.

"Persona! There!" a shout from my lungs called forth Soleanna. She tangled with the draconequus while its alicorn companion charged at me. I was kind of surprised that the alicorn would rely on physical attacks rather than range and magic, but whatever. I wasn't without another defense.

"Agi!" I shouted aiming my hand in her direction. A blast of fire appeared from seemingly nowhere as she was blasted off her hooves.

"No!" shouted the draconequus. But he needn't have worried. She was up and charging again almost instantly. I decided to switch up my battle strategy a bit. If fire wasn't working, then I'd use...

"Mabufu!" I commanded. Ice crystals encased both of the enemies from the neck down. At that point, I called off Soleanna out of both fatigue and lack of a killer's motive. I didn't want them dead. I just wanted some answers... and some rest.

It was a really long conversation before I decided it was safe to dispel the freeze.

"So wait, let me get this straight," I stated, "You're actually a couple of victims from a P.E.R. grenade and you somehow turned into an alicorn and a... chimera... thing."

"Yes," they answered.

"And you're not some imposters trying to stir up destruction?"

"Where on Earth did you get such a ridiculous idea?" the chimera asked.

"Well... it kind of came from the mouth of Princess Luna."

"Ugh, how many times do I have to tell them?" groaned the red-head alicorn, "I'm not their mother."

"So... uh... sorry about attacking you spontaneously."

"Oh, no worries. Spontaneous attacks have followed me for the past couple of days now," the chimera waved his lion's paw in a dismissive manner.

"Let's start over," I said, "My name's Erica, but my friends call me Yukkiko."

"I'm Lauren," said the alicorn.

"I'm Craig. Pleasure to meet you," he said shaking my right hand with his eagle claw (thankfully not with the talons).

"Pleasure's all mine," I replied.

"So what's your story?" queried Lauren, "I didn't think any humans could enter Equestria without being ponified."

I sighed before giving them a recap of the past week. I told them about how I was hoping for a simple Earth pony life and my disappointment when I found out I was "immune" to the serum. Lauren was fascinated when I described how I'd found out that I wasn't immune. Rather, I was affected differently. The serum had "worked" magically, but not physically. Craig held a thoughtful pose when I talked about my entranced vision of my Persona. That led the conversation back to my trek through the woods and my encounter with my new acquaintances. I didn't feel like going into detail about the battle we were just in.

That left Lauren wondering, "How exactly did Princess Luna know about this?"

"I don't know," I shrugged, "I just assumed the Princesses were omnipotent and all-knowing or something."

"If that were true, Celestia would know for a fact that I'm not her mother."

"Then I really don't have clue," I raised my hands and dropped them again in defeat.

I wasn't too excited to go back and tell Princess Luna that I'd basically failed a mission assigned by her. One, I didn't want to know what the Princesses did when angered. Two, the idea of trekking back through the entire tree line again was exhausting in itself, let alone the actual walking. Luckily, Craig removed my second stress easily by teleporting all three of us back to Canterlot. What I didn't expect to see upon arrival was the sight of both Princesses.

"Mother, please," begged the larger and elder, "You're being manipulated by him. Why can't you see that?"

"That is not our mother, Celestia," curtly stated the younger, "We try to tell thee, but thou still shall not listen."

"Quiet!" Celestia shouted. The next thing that happened startled every pony and me. The sun had bitch slapped the moon.

Thump-thump.
I could only hear my heartbeat as time seemed to slow down. A sudden surge of emotion overwhelmed my mind. I acted on instinct rather than reason.
Thump-thump.

"Soleanna!" I shouted crushing the blue card in my hand to flames. The blue-glazed eyes and vermillion-maned alicorn Persona floated above and in front of Celestia.

"M-mother? But...how?" she whispered.

That's all I remember from that day. I think it was a Tuesday.

A/N: What was I thinking? I'm good at starting stuff but not so much on giving it a good climax and conclusion. *sigh*
Well, what's done is done. Persona 4 is property of Atlus. My Little Pony: Friendship is magic is property of Hasbro Studio. Please support the official release.
I'm sorry for basically shooting myself in the foot and ruining the good TCB name in the process.